What's the difference between a snail's eye and a slug's eye?

Nothing... they're eye-tentacle.

A snail saw a slug looking sad whilst watching a couple of beetles scurrying about having fun.

"What's up mate, life in the slow lane getting you down?", asked the snail.

The slug just looked at him and replied, "No. Surely it's obvious why I'm so down? I've had my home repossessed!"

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What did the slug say to the other slug when he saw the snail?



"Shit, he's wearing a backpack. Get off the train!"

Why do slugs carry pepper spray when they go out late at night?

To protect themselves from a salt

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A bartender is closing up for the night, when he hears a tiny "thud, thud" on the door. He opens it up and sees a slug...

The slug says "are you open?"

Bartender says "no, we're closed" and shuts the door.

A few minutes later, he hears another tiny "thud, thud" on the door. He opens the door to see the same slug. "Can I please have a beer?" the slug asks. "I'm really thirsty."

"No, we're closed" t...

What’s the difference between a slug and a gamer?

A gamer gets salty when they die, but a slug dies when it gets salty.

Why are there more slugs in the world than snails?

Because slugs don't wear protection.

How much wood, could a wood slug glug, if a wood slug could glug wood?

Just ask your mother

A blind rabbit and a blind slug

A blind rabbit and a blind slug are moving through the woods until the two of them bump into each other.

The slug reaches out, touches the rabbit, and says "You're soft and fluffy. You must be a rabbit."

The rabbit reaches out, touches the slug, and says "You're cold and slimy. You mus...

I decided to remove my racing snail's shell to make him go faster.

But if anything, it just made him more sluggish.

Humans are like slugs

They probably serve some purpose but you don't exactly know what.

If shotgun slugs are inside shotgun shells...

Does that make them shotgun snails?

What did a cheating snail say to his slug wife

Sorry but i love Michelle.

How do you show a slug who’s boss?

Assault him.

Imagine you're a slug of metal rolling down a conveyor belt. A massive die drops on you and you're stamped into a shiny, perfect coin...

Are you moved and impressed?

I'm currently studying snails and slugs.

It's safe to say I'm a slow learner.

A slug was assaulted by a snail...

...and the snail was arrested and brought to trial.

At the trial the judge said, "OK, slug, tell the court what happened."

The slug said, "I don't know, your honor...everything happened so fast."

A slug has died after his girlfriend left him for a larger snail...

His homies said he was salty.

What’s the difference between putting a microchip in a snail and punching a grasshopper in the face?

One is bugging a slug.
The other is slugging a bug

I entered a my pet snail into a race and removed its shell thinking it would make it faster...

Unfortunately, it only made it more sluggish.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

Man goes into a bar and seats himself on a stool.

The bartender looks at him and says, "What'll it be, buddy?"

The man says, "Set me up with seven whiskey shots and make them doubles."

The bartender does this and watches the man slug one down, then the next, then the next, an...

A snail is walking home from the pub one night, when he gets beaten up and mugged by two slugs...

He goes to the police, who ask him for a description of the attackers.

"To be honest, it all happened so fast..."

A young guy goes into a bar and orders 12 straight vodkas.

Slugs them all down in a row. Barman says,"what's up mate?"
Guy replies, "just had my first blow-job".
Barman says, "Oh, we're celebrating are we?"
Young guy replies, "No, just trying to get the taste out of my mouth"

How do snails fight?

They slug it out.

What do you do if you see two snails fighting

Nothing, just let them slug it out

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A Couple having sex in the garden at night....

He says "I wish i had a torch" she says "So do I, you've been licking that slug on the grass for the last ten minutes"

An engineer is giving a lecture at the local college...

The lecture hall is completely full with a line out the door of people trying to get in. From the outside of the building the audience could be heard erupting with laughter, applause, oohs and aahs, and gasps of surprise.

A man walking by sees the line out the door and hears the commotion co...

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Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

A lawyer was late for an appointment at his office and decided to run a stop sign.

As luck would have it, a farmer was proceeding through on his tractor at that very moment, and there was a tremendous crash! Fortunately, no one was hurt.

The lawyer decided to go on the offense and jumped out of his car.

"You idiot!" he yelled. "Why weren't you paying attention? Now...

So, one of my friends was talking about the Dune series yesterday

He mentions a guy who gets an STD that turns him into a fat slug person.

I called him "Jabba the Nut."

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Three horses walk into a bar..

One horse trots up to the barman, the other two grab a seat at a table. The horse at the bar orders three beers and grabs them with its hooves, then walks on two legs and joins the other seated horses.

First horse says: " Shit guys, last night at my race, it was some crazy shit. I was way ahe...

A guy shows up at work with two black eyes...

...when asked what happened he said, "I was riding on the bus this morning when this rather large woman stood up to get off. I noticed her dress was stuck in the crack of her ass, so being a gentleman, I politely pulled it out for her. She turned around and slugged me.

When asked how he got t...

I just saw two naked snails fighting over a shell

They were slugging it out.

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Karma

A Chinese man and his Jewish friend were walking along one day when the Jewish man whirled and slugged the Chinese man and knocked him down.

"What was that for?" the Chinese man asked.

"That was for Pearl Harbor!" the Jewish man said.

"Pearl Harbor? That was the Japanese. I'm Ch...

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A man named Ted is unable to put alcohol down.

His thirst for liquor is unquenchable. All he does every day is drink and drink. Rum, tequila, beer, vodka, he has it all. Doesn't matter how it tastes or looks; he'll down it.

At first it started out at a simple party at Dominc's place. His best bud, Bob, invited him so he couldn't say no. P...

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A Russian, a Mexican, an American and a lawyer are sitting around a campfire.

After a few hours of sitting around the fire, the Russian guy pulls out a bottle of Vodka and a gun. He takes a big pull then throws the bottle into the air and shoots it.

The American guy says, "What the hell did you do that for? That was damn good Russian Vodka."

The Russian man repl...

A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...

He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the to...

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A man is lost in the forest and stumbles upon a hotel.

Tired, lost and hungry; a John has been wandering through the woods for what has felt like days. He stumbles upon a strange house and feels a deep sense of relief as he notices a light is on.

He knocks and a peculiar looking old man opens the door.

"Please. Please. I am lost and hungry...

A dentist goes to the bar every day at 4:30...

He comes like clockwork every weekday. And, every day he orders the same drink- an almond daiquiri. He's so consistent, that the bartender starts making his drink at 4:25.

One day, the bartender discovers to his horror that he's out of almonds. So he makes it with Hickory nuts. The dentist...

So there were these two roads sitting in a crowded bar...

So there were these two roads sitting in a crowded bar enjoying a hard-earned drink after a tough day of being roads.
They've had a few shots of tarquila each and are beginning to talk tough.

The first road slugs down another shot and says "You know... I reckon I'm the best road in the cou...

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Old Joe, the blind fur trader walks into a bar...

After sitting down and folding up his blind poking stick he says, "I'll bet anyone here $50 here I can guess what your pelt is and what you killed it with!"

The first taker throws a pelt on his table. Joe feels the fur, tests its texture and smell, feels the wound of the killing blow. Says, "...

The Pope's Alaska Visit

The Pope went on vacation to visit Alaska. He was cruising in the Pope-Mobile when he heard a frantic commotion. He found a helpless Democrat wearing shorts, sandals, a 'Vote for Bernie' hat and a 'Save the Trees' shirt. The man was screaming and struggling frantically, trying to free himself from t...

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