UPJOKE
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Riddle Jokes

90% of people are unable to solve this riddle by guessing the opposite of each word.

Always



Coming



From



Take



Me



Down
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riddle me this, riddle me that

What is yours but people use it more than you?

Your name.
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Riddle me this:

Why do we have Batman shampoo but conditioner Gordon isn't a thing?
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man got a text from his neighbor: "I'm so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess.

I've been tapping your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I'm not getting any at home, but that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won't happen again."

The man anguished and ...

The chicken or the egg: I have solved the riddle

The rooster came first
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Harry Potter and the secret of Riddle

"He pulled Harry's wand from his pocket and began to trace it through the air, writing three shimmering words:

tom marvolo riddle

Then he waved the wand once, and the letters of his name rearranged themselves:

Mr. Tom, a Dildo Lover

"wait, shit, no," said Riddle."

Teacher in class asks riddles. She asks little Johnny:

"It's a small animal with 4 legs. What is it?"

Little Johnny says: "Dog."

Teacher replies: "But could be a cat too. Alright, another one. It's a long, thin animal with no legs."

Little Johnny: "A snake."

Teacher: "Could be. But could also be an eel."

Little Johnny:...
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What do you call a bad riddle?

Voldemort
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"A Bone-Tickling Riddle: Why Skeletons Refuse to Battle?

**Why don't skeletons fight each other?**

**They don't have the guts!**
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What starts with e, ends with e, and only contains one letter?

an Envelope
EDIT: My deepest Canadian apologies to those who are calling this a riddle. I always took it as a cheesy joke
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If there's a bee in my hand, what's in my eye?

Beauty. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

ITT: People who want to kill me, people who think I am their dad, more puns about bees, puns about beer, "oh I get it", and "this joke is more like a riddle"
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Riddle told by a 7 year old just now...

I go up and down so you can go in and out.

What am I?









A garage door.
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Here’s a Riddle for you

What has 4 letters, Sometimes has 9 and never has 5?
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A riddle for the day

A riddle for the day

Arnold Schwarzenegger has a big one.

Michael J. Fox has a small one.

Madonna doesn't have one.

The Pope has one but doesn't use it.

Clinton uses his all the time.

Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.

Liberace never used his on women.<...
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Why Bilbo had to be Male

Fun fact: Bilbo Baggins had to be a male in order for the plot of The Hobbit to work. If he was instead female, everything would have fallen apart in the goblin cave. Bilbo would have gone off wandering around in the dark and dreary caverns, found the ring, and seen Gollum fishing like in the origin...
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Donald Trump meets the Queen...

Donald Trump meets with the Queen. He asks her, "Your Majesty, how do you run such an efficient government? Are there any tips you can give to me?"

"Well," says the Queen, "the most important thing is to surround yourself with intelligent people."

Trump frowns. "But how do I know the p...

Can someone solve this riddle?

What starts with an "E" and ends with an "E", but only has one letter?

What am I?
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What’s the best Harry Potter riddle?

Tom.
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A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

A man who is riddled with guilt confesses in a sms message to his next-door neighbor.

Dear neighbor, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to your wife for some time now. It's been so good I have not been able to stop myself. Sometimes it's ...
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A woman joins a country club, and when she hears some guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot…

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."


He figures the early tee-time will discourage her. The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.


They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."


She's there at 6:30 am. sharp ...

Riddle: A King has 3 cups in front of him. The first two cups are full, the third cup is empty. What is the King's name??

King Philip III
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A Whodunnit Riddle

A woman is discovered dead in an alley, beaten to death with apparent force. The police found three likely suspects: a local Asian cook, who was single, a Russian construction worker, who had a family of five, and a frail Thai woman, who had one son, and divorced her husband because of the victim....
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What happened to the dollar. Short riddle.

Three friends have a nice meal together, and the bill is $25

The three friends pay $10 each, which the waiter gives to the Cashier

The Cashier hands back $5 to the Waiter

But the Waiter can't split $5 three ways, so he gives the friends one dollar each and keeps 2 dollars as a t...
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A teacher gives his pre-K students a riddle.

Teacher: A train was moving in the East direction at a speed of 100 mph. Another train was moving in the opposite direction at 200 mph.
What is my age?

Student: 70

Teacher- Right Answer! How’d you figure out?

Student: I have an uncle named Larry. He is 35 years old and only ...
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A random riddle

A man fell out of the highest window in a building that has more than 5 stories.

He survived with hardly any injuries.

How?
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Here's a riddle for you:

A teenage boy walks underneath his school and meets a ghost and his pet snake. There's your Riddle.
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What did Putin say upon seeing Alexei Navalny's bullet riddled body?

"Worst case of suicide I've ever seen"
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What's the difference between a riddle and an elephant sitting on a bun?

One is conundrum and the other is a bununderhim.
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Why couldn't the tree solve the Lumberjack's riddle?

He was stumped.
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help me figure out this riddle!

a farmer has 2 sons. one is a "good boy" and the other is "a bump on a log". the farmer takes his cow into town and sells it to a butcher. then he goes to a watchmaker and buys a watch. WHO DOES HE GIVE THE WATCH TO?

this is some dutch riddle, so the "" are translated words
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A Riddle

Why did the clock go back 4 seconds?

It was hungry.
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A riddle

Who's got orange skin, poor speaking skills, is overwhelmingly disliked and is in over his head?

Yeah, I know, too easy right?

It's Jar Jar Binks
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This is a riddle

This is a riddle. It works well if you let the students ask yes and no questions about the situation, before revealing the answer.
Q: A man goes into a bar and asks for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun, and points it at the customer. "Thank you" replies the customer and walks out. Wha...

What do you call a thug with a riddle?

Beats the heck out of me!
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Lawyer Riddle

A high priced lawyer, a low priced lawyer and the tooth fairy are sitting at a table. There is a $20 bill in the middle of the table. All of a sudden, the lights in the room go off. When they come back on, the $20 bill is gone. Who took it?


The high priced lawyer, because the low priced l...
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Riddle me this

Which does not belong:

* Nipple clamps
* Soy
* Vibrator


Answer:
The nipple clamps, the other two are meat substitutes.
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So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you."

So Joe, the bartender tells his regular customer Fred, "I've got a new riddle for you." Fred says, "Gee, I dunno Joe, I'm not good at riddles". Joe says, "This is an easy one, here goes. My mother had a child, it's not my brother, it's not my sister. Who is it?" Fred says, "I dunno. I'm an only chil...
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Mu favorite series of riddles when i was in high school. Hope you all like it as much as i did <3

Give 3 steps to put an elephant in a refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Put the elephant in
iii.Close it

AND THEN ASK

Give 4 steps to put a giraffe in the refrigerator.
i.Open the refrigerator
ii.Take the elephant out
iii.Put the giraffe in
iv.Close it
...
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An incredibly wealthy genius loves riddles.

Bored with being smarter than anyone he meets the man decides to offer his fortune to anyone who is able to stump him with a question or riddle. Thousands of people come to try and trick the man and without effort he answers every riddle and piece of trivia he is challenged with.
Finally an old...

einstein's riddle

einstein needs to travel so he takes the plane, in the seat next to him a man looking bored is staring at the clouds, to entertain himself and make a bit of money he makes a deal with the man, einstein says with confidence : 'for every riddle you tell me that i cant answer i will give you 500 dollar...
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A man walks into a bar

And orders a drink. Whilst drinking it, a massively scarred Asian dude stumbles in the bar.

"What happened?" The man asks as he downs his drink.

"There's a dragon 10km east from here." The Asian dude rasps before passing out.

So the Man gets on his bike and travels 10km east an...
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A blonde sits next to a professor on a plane

The flight gets longer and longer and the professor looks over at the blonde and makes a deal with her

They will tell eachother a riddle. If she can solve his she gets 500 dollars and if he can solve hers he gets only 5 dollars. The blonde feeling she has nothing to lose gives her riddle
<...
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Never Text an Apology

THE ORIGINAL TEXT MESSAGE:
Hi Bob, This is Alan next door. I’m sorry buddy, but I have a
confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few
months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you to
your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can’t l...
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Hillary Clinton Riddles

Q: Apparently Monica Lewinsky won’t be voting for Hillary Clinton this election
A: She says the last Clinton presidency left a bad taste in her mouth

Q: All Trump has to say to beat Hillary in the debates
A: I have the receipts.

Q: What does Bill say to Hillary after sex?
A: H...

More of a riddle, actually.

I happen once a year, but twice a week.
You can easily find me in a store, but you won't see me in a mall.

What am I?
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An old man goes to the doctor for his annual head-to-toe checkup.

The doctor comes in with a folder full of test results and says, “I’ve got two major concerns.” The old man says, “Ok doc, let’s hear it.” Doctor says, “Well, as you know we ran a full body MRI, and we discovered that most of your major organs are riddled with cancer.” “Oh no!” the old man exclaims....
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Riddle me this: What's Hot N Red, Best in Bed?

A bag of Flamin' Hot Cheetos cause I'm alone
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A gambler dies and goes to Heaven...

A professional gambler wins big and dies of an aneurysm. When he gets to the afterlife, he finds himself at the back of a miles-long line to get into Heaven.

Drawing on his experience, the gambler immediately thinks of a way to get ahead of everyone else. He taps the old man ahead of him on t...

I told a riddle to a double amputee once

Boy did it leave him stumped
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need help figuring out a joke.

A girl I know keeps telling my friends a joke about golf. She insists it's a joke and not a riddle but none of us get it. Here it is:

Four guys go golfing. The first guy tees up, and hits the ball super far. The second guy tees up, and hits the ball really terribly. The third guy tees up, and...
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You're hungry. In the fridge there is a bag of bread, jar of jam, a can of tuna, and some milk. To answer the riddle, what do you open first?

This thread!
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What's the worst kind of riddle?

Being riddled with bullets
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A dark riddle.

What has four limbs in the morning, two limbs in the afternoon, and is dead by evening?


A disobedient slave.
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Soup for the Mind in riddle form

1. a rooster lays an egg at the very top of a pointed roof. which way does the egg roll??

2. A plane crashes directly in the middle of the border between Canada and U.S.A. where where the survivors buried?

3. Two babys were born from the same mother, on the same day, of the same year, ...
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Riddle me this, Batman. What do you find in an alley that has holes in it?

"M-my parents?"

"No! A bowling ball! I'm so sorry..."
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Why are riddles about trees so hard?

Because they always leave you stumped!
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What do you call a brothel riddled with rabies?

A frothel
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The aspiring comedian (not that funny but I made it myself)

So this aspiring comedian went to his local comedy club, like he did most weekends, and to his surprise his all time favorite comedian was doing a out of the blue performance at his local comedy club.

So he bought him self a ticket and proceeded to have one of the best nights of his life, ...

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A boy is at school, and they start the day by telling riddles

The boy says: it goes in, it goes out! The teacher becomes red and angry. Get out! The teacher said. So the boy goes onto the hallway. There he meets the principle, who asks him what he is doing there. I got send out of class, because I asked: it goes in, it goes out! The principal get angry, and sa...

What do you call an amputee that can't answer riddles?

Stumped
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Riddle: What has wings but can't fly, legs but can't walk, and a mouth but can't speak?

A dead bird
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I read a riddle with a picture of an eye, a child, a finger pointing at me, and a knot

I kid you not, that's what it was
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A beautiful blonde woman ends up sitting next to a professor on a plane.

He's amused by her ditzy attitude, and the two start playing a trivia game. The blonde agrees to pay a dollar for every question she gets wrong, and the professor, feeling pompous, offers to pay a hundred dollars for his incorrect answers.

After missing the first question, the blonde asks so...
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Angela Merkel visits Donald Trump in Washington

During her stay Trump asks her: "Tell me Chancellor Merkel, what's the secret of your years of success?"

Chancellor Merkel responds: "Well I have always surrounded myself with intelligent people."

"Very interesting", says Trump, "but how exactly do you know if they are intelligent?"<...
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The Invasion of Normandy

It was a tough morning on the Omaha beach, and the landing of the Allied troops was not going well. The beach was riddled with obstacles and mines, and the German gunfire was relentless.

Suddenly, the Allied men notice a man emerging from the waters. “I can help you”, he declares in deep voic...
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Two Polish guys are sitting on a park bench when a bum comes up to them.

“Hey!!" he bellows, in his hoarse voice. "I got a riddle for you two. What has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

The Polish guys look at each other, and one of them shrugs "I give up, what has two heads, four arms, four legs, and stinks like shit?"

"You and your f...

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How is Putin like Hitler's father?

They both should have pulled out sooner.
___

I think of it as a Dad Joke, even though, this is more of a r/riddle. They don't allow political ones, there. Sorry.

As a lumberjack starts his chainsaw he hears the tree begin to cry. “Please don’t cut me down!” The tree pleads, “I’ll do anything!” The lumberjack says, “Fine! If you can solve this impossible riddle that has fooled some of the greatest minds from doctors, writers to philosophers, I’ll spare you.”

The tree was stumped.
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what has ears but doesn't listen?

men.

credit: -my wife

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While I was living in Japan a woman approached me on the train...

She said to me, "What's black and white and red all over?"

"Wow," I said, "You can speak English?"

"Just a riddle," she said.

My favorite Russian joke translated

An eskimo on his way home hails a taxi. As he's getting in, the taxi driver says "if you guess my riddle I'll take you home for free". The Eskimo says "ok go".

– Ok, he looks like me but isn't me.

– Hmm a raindeer?

– Nope.

– Shoot I give up.

– My brother!

– ...
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A student is failing his classes, so he goes to the teacher with a bet

"I will tell you a riddle. You have an entire week to solve it. If you do, I am giving you 500€, if you don't, you give me an A"

"I accept"

"What is legal but not logical, logical but not legal, and neither logical nor legal?"

The teacher thinks and thinks the entire week, but d...
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What's flat & have 4 legs?

Dad : Here's a riddle, son. What's flat & have 4 legs?

Son: A table.

Dad : Wrong.

Son : A stool.

Dad : Wrong again, son.

Son : I don't know dad. What's the answer?

Dad : It's Mr. Whiskers, our cat which I had just accidentally ran over with the car.
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The Mathematician from Brooklyn

A mathematician hailing from Brooklyn, NY gets invited to the annual conference for mathematics, statistics and logic. Upon arriving, he notices that a world-renown professor is hosting what was listed as "The Unbeatable Brain-Teaser". He decides to sign up, and gets in the single-file line for a on...

True Story: I found a note on my doorstep today.

Opening it, I was excited to see a riddle!

It read:
"What dog has legs
But cannot run.
A tail,
It cannot wag,
A mouth,
But cannot bark,
A nose,
But cannot smell?"

I love ...
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A blonde takes a taxi to the airport

While stuck in traffic, the driver offers the blonde a riddle to help pass the time. He says:

“Who is my mother’s child and my father’s child, but is neither my brother nor my sister?”

The blonde replies “I don’t know, who?”

The driver says “Me!”

They laugh hysterically,...
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Sven and Ole are two fictional swedish immigrants who live in Minnesota. They are characters used in jokes. I heard this one from my dad.

Sven is vacationing at his cabin in northern Minnesota and happens to get in line at a Dairy Queen.

An indian (native american) man approaches him and makes a proposition.

Indian Man: Hey I have a deal for you. I will ask you a riddle. If you can answer it I will buy you an ice cream, ...
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A Brit, an Irishman, and an American are walking in the woods together and get lost.

They stumble upon a bridge over a deep ravine guarded by a menacing ogre.

"Halt! Stand where you are!" yells the ogre. "Only those who can answer my riddle can pass this bridge! If you get the answer wrong, you die!"

The three men are short on supplies and don't have a lot of options, ...

Donald trump is having tea with the queen in Buckingham palace.

When Trump brings up the topic of telling which politician is intellegent, the queen calls for boris johnson to come into the room. A minute later, Boris opens the door and walks in. The queen asks him, "Your mother has a child that isn't your brothers or your sisters. Who is this?". Boris thinks f...
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Riddle: A flat-earther and a round-earther enter a maze at the same time. They each have a compass, and both know that the exit is on the North end of the maze. Which one exits the maze first?

The round-earther exits first, because the flat-earther died of measles while inside.
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