This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's sometimes soft, sometimes hard, hangs out with nuts, and spits when you tug on it?

a penis

What do you call a green onion that spits rhymes?

A rapscallion

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

I told my wife I was going down where the sun doesn’t shine and that I wasn’t coming back up until it had a good old spit shine.

Our cellar is long overdue a cleaning, you see.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A German, Italian, And Irishman are sitting at a bar...

when 3 flies fly into the room and into the 3 drinks.

The German puts down the drink, and says "i cant drink this!'

the Italian takes out the fly, and says "that's good enough for me" and continues drinking.

The Irishman starts vigorously shaking the fly, and yells "SPIT IT OUT...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A joke my grandma told me before she passed.

So a classroom teacher was giving candy to all the students. While doing this she was having them all guess what flavor the candy was.

After giving the first piece to the whole class she asks the class what flavor it was. They all said grape

The next flavor was guessed to be orange an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

What do radical Islamic wrappers spit?

Allahu Ak-BARS

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him?

Feedback

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these."


The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
I'll give you a hint,...

The bikini barrista I ordered from today spit in my coffee.

Only cost me a $1 extra.

Why did the aligator spit out his lunch?

Because it was two years old

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scot, and an Irishman walk into a bar.

They each order a Guinness. As soon as their beers are served three flies come along and one drops in each beer.

The Englishman looks at his, goes "blech!", and pushes the beer away.

The Scot looks at his, shrugs, fishes out the fly, and drinks his Guinness.

The Irishman fishes...

Most people would say that Eminem, Jay-Z, or Andre 3000 spit the hardest on the mic...

I personally think it was Mia Khalifa.

NSFW: “Do you spit or swallow?”

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, “Do you spit or swallow?”
She slapped my face and stormed off… I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen

He comes back and finds another note: "me too"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, an Scotchman, and an Irishman walk into a bar...

They each order a beer. The barkeep brings them each a beer, and there happens to be a fly in each one. The Englishmen, a bit put off, says "Sir there's a fly in my beer, I'll need a fresh one please." The Scotchman, undeterred shrugs and says "I won't be letting a fly ruin me enjoying my beer!" ...

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

What kind of boxer spits on their opponents face?

A beat boxer

What's the difference between spit and swallow?

A firm grip on the back of her head.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit?

"It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"

Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention?

Cause William Shatner Coffee.

hahahha

Why did the Egyptian spit out his water?

Because it came from the Suez.

Why do so many guys spit in urinals?

Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Tina and ted

Tina and Ted got into their bed, Said Ted to Tina "It's time for some head." "Head in the bed?" is what Tina said, "Before we're both dead," is what Ted next said.

So Tina did suck and Tina did lick, And into her palm then Tina did spit, She polished his crank like a hitch made of chrome, And...

When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?

When her mustache is on fire!

This guy is out fishing on a cold morning

and he is not having much luck. Well, down the dock he notices an old man who is doing great, just reeling in fish after fish.

He goes over and ask the old man what's his secret. The old man just mumbles something incoherent. The younger man leans in, "I'm sorry, what?"

The old man m...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A blonde with perfect breasts and no bra takes her seat in first class...

She's wearing a very tight t-shirt with the word NAN in bold black letters across the front.

The gentleman sitting next to her is already in his seat, enjoying a gin and tonic.

Once settled in she smiles at him and says "That looks good, I'd sure love one".

The man rings the ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Teacher is giving out candy and the students are trying to guess the flavor.

No one can figure it out so the teacher gives a hint. "It's what your mother sometimes calls your father" The students look around for a minute and timmy in the back yells "SPIT IT OUT IT'S ASSHOLE!"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A tall person’s guide to answering bull crap

Q. Do you play basketball?

A. Do you play mini gulf?



Q. What’s the weather up there?

A. 100% chance of rain *spits*



Q. Can you reach that for me?

A. I can, would you like me to?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man goes to his doctor with a sore arm.

He sits down on the exam table and the doctor looks at his arm.
"What seems to be the trouble today, Mr. Wainscotting?", the doctor asks.
"Doc, I've got terrible pain starting in my bicep and extending down to my forearm." replies Mr. Wainscotting.
"Let's have a look."
The doctor examine...

A heartless drill instructor screamed at his platoon for over an hour.

He got in the face of a private and yelled, “I bet when I die you’ll show up at my grave and spit on it!”

“Not me,” the private said. “After I get out of the army I’m never standing in a line again.”

What is the difference between a teacher and a locomotive.

A teacher says "Spit out your gum."

A locomotive says "Choo choo"

Moses, Jesus, and an old old man are playing golf the other dayyyyy.... [longish]

Moses tees off, and the ball heads straight for the water hazard. *plop*
He walks over and uses his club to part the water, and smacks the ball up to the green. One more stroke gets him the par 3.

Jesus is up next and his ball too, goes straight for the water hazard. Luckily it hovers jus...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Leroy walks into a bar...

...sits down, and orders a shot. He drains the glass, swishes it around in his mouth, spits it on the floor, and says, "sumbitch shore can drive!"

The bartender says, "Hey! I run a clean establishment here."

Leroy apologizes and orders another shot. He drains the glass, swishes it ar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The apple of your dreams.

One day Eddie walked into the patent office. He boldly stated to the patent officer, Bob, that he’d like to patent the apple. Bob, a studious man who looked like he spent a lifetime burying his face in books, dryly pointed out “You can’t patent the apple, Johnny Appleseed already did that.”
“We...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A lady and her 7 year old son..

A lady and her 7-year-old son are eating in a restaurant.

In a moment of playfulness, the boy swallows a coin and chokes. The mother tries slapping his back, rubbing his neck, shaking him hard and everything she could think of, without success.

The boy begins to turn blue. The desper...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A distressed woman visits a healer.

“Please, you have to help me. Every day when my husband comes home from work, he beats the shit out of me. I don’t know what to do anymore.”

The healer says: “You see, in every man’s soul there is a lot of rage and violence. But as he grows older and wiser, he will learn to control his anger....

Three men got captured by an Indian tribe.

The headman of the tribe told each man to bring back one type of fruit or they'll get executed.

The first man brought back an orange, the headman then told him to swallow it. He couldn't do it so the headman got him executed.

The second man brought a bunch of 10 grapes, the headman tol...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A trucker is driving down a random stretch of highway

He happens upon a billboard while driving that reads...

Peaches, engineered for your taste!
Only 10 miles!

Mildly intrigued, the driver decides to check out what this means. "Engineered for my tastes, what bullshit!", he says.

Driving for the next couple miles, he final...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two Arabs get on a plane

One sat by the window and the other sat in the middle. Just before take off a Jewish fellow comes up and takes the aisle seat next to the Arabs. He takes off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was just getting settled in when one of the Arabs said "I think I'll get a coke" the Jewish guy says "No probl...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Exotic Peaches

A man driving down the road sees a sign that says, "EXOTIC PEACHES HERE!" Out of pure curiosity, the man pulls in to see what it's all about.

The owner says, "Welcome, Sir, what's your favorite fruit?"

The man replies, "Umm, well, I guess it would have to be an Orange."
"Ahh, you'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Oh deer...

One even, husband came home from a day of hunting and brought home a deer. He suggested to his wife that she should cook the deer meat but don't tell the kids what's for dinner. Wife agrees and cooks the deer meat.

Later that evening the husband, wife and the kids, all gather at the table for...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Irishman's first drink with his son

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink.

​

We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away.

​

I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like i...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I call my dick a camel..

2 humps and it spits

A man name Bob was taking his friend deer hunting for the first time...

He had hyped up the hunting trip all year, as they waited for deer season to arrive. The season starts and Bob drives his friend, Dave, to the land where Dave would kill his first deer.


They had the whole weekend, but after almost two days at it, they hadn't seen heads nor tails of the ...

My uncle told me this

2 hillbillies, Cletus and Bubba are talking in a bar. A lady at a table next to them starts choking. Cletus stands up and walks towards her. He asks her “Are you choking?” The woman nods. Cletus then kneels down and licks her rear. The woman was so surprised that she spit out the food. Cletus walked...

Me : Well you know 'change is inedible'

Friend : Do you mean 'inevitable'?

Me : (spits out nickels) nope.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Jesus and Moses are golfing in a threesome.

Moses tees off first and uncorks a high sailing slice. The ball plops into the middle of a lake. Unperturbed, Moses walks to the edge of the lake, raises his club, and the waters part. Moses chips onto the green.

Jesus tees off next. He blades a worm-burner that heads for the lake, skipping ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A salesman is peddling his goods from door to door in a massive high-rise building.

He knocks at a young man’s apartment and asks him, “Would you like to buy a top-of-the-line toothbrush? It’s only ten dollars.”

“Ten bucks for a toothbrush!” the man yells. “What moron would pay ten dollars for a toothbrush? You’re out of your mind.”

“All right then,” the salesman cont...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman are all sitting in a pub

The Englishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, and calls out to the bartender, "Hey mate, there's a fly in my beer. Get me another pint!"

The Scotsman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, scoops it out and keeps drinking.

The Irishman looks down, sees a fly in his beer, picks it up...

What’s the difference between a teacher/professor and a train?

One will tell you to spit your gum out and the other will tell you to “chew-chew-chew”

One will tell you to throw away your drink and the other will tell you to “chugga-chugga-chugga-chugga”

One will tell you to hold in your farts and the other will tell you “toot-tooooooooooooot”

Scientists have discovered that there is intelligent DNA inside of a lot of Women.

Unfortunately, most of them spit it out.

The Chinese medic , opens a private clinic.

At the front dor , there was a huge banner saying : " The treatment costs $20 , if you don't get cured , we will give you $100 back"

A lawyer walking by saw the sign and thought it's a good opportunity for him to make an easy $100 , so he walks into the clinic .

- I have lost my tas...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Big Ed joke

EDIT: Best told at parties. Draaaaggg it out before hitting them with the groaner, and walk away all pleased with yourself. :)

​

In a dusty one-street Old West town — the kind of place with muddy roads, one hotel, two whorehouses, and three saloons, all on the same block — t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you like them apples?

A guy sits down at the bar, and asks for a Rum & Coke

The bartender plops an apple in front of him.

"But I wanted a drink"

The bartender says "Just try it."

The guy bites into the apple, and says "Wow, this tastes just like rum!"

"Turn it around," says the bart...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

The Three-Legged Pig

An insurance salesman decides to make one last cold call on his country route and winds up way in the back country at the end of a dirt road. He drives up to the farm, gets out of the car with his briefcase, and walks up to the door. On his way, he glances at the fenced in area attached to the bar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man was stopped at a farmer's market

When he comes across a stand advertising peaches of every flavor, he asks the owner "do you really have peaches in every flavor?" to which he responds "I sure do, what flavor are you looking for?" Doubting the owner the man asks for peanut butter and jelly, the owner selects a peach and hands it ove...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Teacher: Today we will be working on our sense of taste.

Teacher hands the 1st student a red life saver.

Student 1: Cherry

Teacher hands the 2nd student a green life saver.

Student 2: Lime

Teacher hands the third student a clear life saver.

Student sucks on it but cannot give an answer.

Teacher: Hint, it is what y...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[Long] [NSFW] One warm autumn day,

A man walks into the patent office and slams a stack of papers down triumphantly. "I've bred apples that taste like different fruits, and furthermore, each half of an apple tastes different!"

The patent clerk looks up in boredom, "Sure, sure... But I need to verify the truthfulness of this cl...

Sherlock Holmes and Watson go camping

Towards the end of the evening, they decide to turn into their tent and sleep.

Around 3AM, Sherlock rouses Watson awake

"Watson! Watson!!"

Watson opens his eyes and sees a beautiful night sky full of shimmering stars.

"What do you see Watson?"

"Well Dr Holmes, I se...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Bartenders Apple

A popular bar in the city gets a new bartender. It’s a busy weekend on his first day on the job.

A regular walks in, says “Give me a jack and coke please.”

The bartender puts an apple on the counter in front of him.

“Are you deaf? I wanted a jack and coke!”

The bartender...

A biker gang comes into a transport cafe

and start picking on a little middle-aged man just sitting down to an all-day breakfast. They steal most of it, spit in his tea, and pull away his chair from under him, until eventually he gives up and walks out silently.

They laugh loudly and say to the waitress "He wasn't much of a man, was...

Two pirates were aboard the Queen Anne's Revenge discussing the upcoming pirate captain's election

One says to the other: "Arrr matey, I'll give ye my clear glass eye if ye give me yer vote for captain tomorrow."

The other considers the proposal for a moment, then squeezes his fake wooden eye out of its socket, throws it overboard, spits on his hand and offers it to the first pirate.
...

Two Marines boarded a flight...

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settlin...

Some bar jokes

A snail crawls into a bar. The bartender says we don't serve your kind and tosses the snail out on the curb. 3 years later same snail crawls in and says "What the hell dude"

A Welsh, Englishman and Scot go into a bar and order 3 beers. Each of their glasses has a fly in it. The Englishman to...

Two campers are hiking in the woods when one is bitten on the rear end by a rattlesnake.

"I'll go into town for a doctor," the other says. He runs ten miles to a small town and finds the town's only doctor, who is delivering a baby. "I can't leave," the doctor says. "But here's what to do. Take a knife, cut a little X where the bite is, suck out the poison and spit it on the ground." Th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So a man walks into a bar,

The bar tender asks, what can I get for you

Man: I think I'll have myself a gin and tonic tonight.

The Bartender places an apple on the counter.

Man: what the hell is this?

BT:Just take a bite,

The man bites "holy shit, that tastes like gin!

BT: Now turn it ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Selling Toothbrushes. Source: My Dad

(Long)
One day a man was walking down the street when he sees a kid on the corner selling tooth brushes. The kid asks him, "Hey sir would you like to buy a toothbrush?"
The man says, "I would except I already have one at home. I don't need one right now but do you want a tip to help...

A Korean boy, who is the head chef of a local soup restaurant, is arrested for accusingly spitting in every bowl of soup that’s made and poisoning all of the customers. The other chefs knew about it and didn’t say anything at first, but eventually couldn’t hide it any longer and told the cops.

He is punished to serious, hard work for a month, but he is always upbeat no matter what. So one day the cops decide to see if any one of them can make the boy unhappy. One decides to put the boy’s shoes in a block of cement. The boy doesn’t care, and he just does his work with no shoes. Another dec...

A young banker goes to jail for the first time for fraud... NSFW

He is immediately confronted by a large tattooed inmate as he enters the yard, who grabs him and says, “You wait til shower time, sweetheart. You’re going to get it good from me.”
The banker is trembling; his hands shake when he’s called out of his cell to lunch, knowing that after eating they’re...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A truck driver was driving down the road

He read a small sign nailed to a light pole that said “peaches that taste like everything and anything.” Curious, the truck driver drove down the road that the sign was nailed to and came across and old man with a little setup in front of a farm. The truck driver parked his truck and went over to ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two beggars sit outside a church in St. Petersburg in Tsarist Russia

Each has a hat on the ground in front of him. One of the beggars is wearing a cross around his neck and the other is clearly an old Jew.

When services are over, the doors of the church open, and the crowd of Russians walk out. One by one, the Russians spit on the old Jew and very deliberately...

A man named Adam is being sent to prison

On the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man (Adam) thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stammers

"With spit"
...

A boy and a girl are kissing in the park...

After some time the girl, clearly anoyed by something, says to boy: "Can you please spit out that chewing gum when we are kissing!?"

And the boy says: "Sorry... (Snort!) I am little under the weather..."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two men were working on a beef ranch together

Their names are Ron and Mitch. They’re sitting down on a bench after working a few hours and Mitch has been chewing the whole day and he has a cup that he’s been spitting in, the cup is full to the brim with spit and mucus and saliva and he looks over to Ron and says “I’ll give you 20 bucks if you d...