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Spit Jokes

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There was this woman sitting on a park bench muttering to herself and spitting. She would mutter then spit, mutter then spit. As a man got closer he heard her say "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit "Damn, that sonofabitch can drive" then spit, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive" then spit.

He sits down next to her and asks "What's going on here? You keep saying, "Damn that sonofabitch can drive, then you spit".

“Well" says the gal "my boyfriend just got a brand new sports car, so he calls me and asks me if I want to go for a ride. So I say 'sure, why not?' He picks me up and w...

What's the difference between Like, Love, and Showing Off?

Spit, Swallow, Gargling.

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Why did Hitler spit out his drink?

Because he didn't like juice.

I asked her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

# She slapped me and stormed off!

### Anyway, I don't recommend wine tastings as a first date, it really seems to bother some girls for some reason.

Spitting is rude.

Swallowing is polite ;)

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Guy gets to prison, meets his new cell mate, this jacked motherfucker, British sitting at the edge of the bed.

Cell mate: (British Accent) Listen mate it’s going to happen, so let’s get this over and done with, would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: (Scared) What do you mean?

Cell mate: Would you like to do it with spit or without?

Guy: Well fuck, if I have to I guess I will...

I asked the park ranger if it's ok to spit in the bush

She said "We should probably use lube instead"

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I gave my wife an orgasm today!

She spit it out

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The animal brothel

A little mouse, after a tiring week of work, decides to visit an animal brothel for some entertainment.

The fox madam, upon seeing him arrive, offers, 'If you'd like, there's Sarah the pythoness, a new arrival.'

The mouse accepts and goes to Sarah's room. As soon as she sees him ente...

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An Indian and two Pakistanis sat on a Plane.

An Indian got a seat between two Pakistanis on a plane. Relaxing, he took his shoes off.

Soon enough, he got hungry.

"Hey, I'm going to get myself a snack. You guys want anything?" He asked the Pakistanis.

The man to his right said he would like a Coke.

"Of course." s...

I caught my dad chewing pennies and spitting them out.

I said, "Dad, what the hell are you doing?"

He replied, "Im making us rich son"

"How?" I asked

"Simple", he said, "I'm making bit coins"

The wine taster at an old vineyard died. A homeless guy, looking ragged And dirty, came to apply. He persuaded the manager to give him a try.

The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit. “It's a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels." He said. "Impressive," said the manager.

The man is given another. "Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the N...

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A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception.

She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said,”Children, I’d like you to close your eyes and taste these.”
The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped.
“I’ll give you a hint,” said t...

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My girlfriend is so ungrateful. Whenever I give her an orgasm...

... she just spits it out.

2 year old son spits on the floor.

Wife: We don't spit. If it's in your mouth you swallow it.
Husband raises eyebrows.
Wife: You shut up!

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American tells to his Russian colleague:

"When Trump passes by, we all swear, spit, and throw rotten fruit on him"

The Russian:

"When Putin passes by, we all piss on him"

The American:

"I exaggerated a little - we swear whispering, spit aside, and while throwing, we don't hit".

The Russian:

"And I ...

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A man walks into a bar. Orders a drink. Spits it out. "This is only aged two years!". So the tender gives him another. He spits again. "This is only aged four years!". The tender gives him one more. The man spits it out. "The hell is this? It tastes like piss!"

The tender says, "It is. How old am I?"

An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

It's quite obvious to each of the three men know where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you to do you? This is my seat after all."

The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! ...

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A woman picks up a guy at a bar... Nsfw

And takes him back to her place. They start to get busy and he goes down on her. After a couple minutes he feels a piece of rice in his mouth but in his horny state just decides to spit it out and continue. A few minutes later he feels a pea in his mouth but once again decides to spit it out and go ...

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A father and his ten year old son were in the grocery store…

…and the son was throwing a penny up and catching it. After several successful attempts, he threw it up, lost it in a light and it went into his mouth. He started choking which caused the father to start freaking out and yelling for a doctor.

A well dressed woman walked over, calmly reached d...

What's long, hard, that ​comes and goes and make you spit white

A toothbrush

Marines

Two Marines boarded a quick shuttle flight out of Dallas, headed for Houston. One sat in the window seat, the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take-off, an Army soldier got on and took the aisle seat next to the two Marines. The Soldier kicked off his shoes, wiggled his toes and was settlin...

Bartender: this scotch is my favorite, it's aged twenty fi----

Leonardo DiCaprio: [spits it out]

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

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Just a friendly reminder to show respect to Ramadan

Yes, yes. I know we all like to have a good laugh about certain things. But Ramadan is a very important and sacred time for Muslims. And as a non-Muslim, I have since learned that we need treat it with some respect.

See, my next door neighbour is a Muslim. Ever since the start of Ramadan, I h...

What do you call a spit take at the bar?

A brouhaha

I've never choked on my own spit and I hope I never do.

It's just not something I have the aspiration for.

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and an Irishman...

...walk into a pub. They all sit next to each other at the bar, and all three order a pint of Guinness. Right as they get their pints, a fly lands in each one's drink. The Englishman turns up his nose disgustedly, and pushes the glass away. The Scotsman picks the fly out of his stout, throws it over...

A waiter gives a gentleman a cup of coffee. The gentleman takes a sip and spits it out.

He turns to the waiter and says, “Waiter! This coffee tastes like mud!” 
The waiter, looking surprised, turns to the gentleman and says, “But, sir, it’s fresh ground!”

At dinner a little girl spits out her food ...

Mom says, "Now dear, remember the rule is that if something is already in our mouth, we have to swallow."
Dad says, "Oh, really?"
Mom says, "Shut up!"

NSFW: “Do you spit or swallow?”

I was out on a date with this girl, when I asked her, “Do you spit or swallow?”
She slapped my face and stormed off… I'm never taking anyone to wine tasting again!!

Three rough-looking bikers stomp into a truck stop.

They see a grizzled old-timer having breakfast.

One of the bikers extinguishes his cigarette in the old guy’s pancakes. The second biker spits a wad of chewing tobacco into his coffee. The third biker dumps the whole plate onto the floor.

Without a word of protest, the old guy pays his...

As a kid growing up I'd always get bullied, every morning they'd spit in my food and call me names.

Man, I hated being home schooled.

I recently gave my neighbor a watch and he spits in my face,...

Well it could be worse, he would have punched me if he had any arms

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.

Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of it.

The doctor set the pain transfer to 10% for starters, explaining that...

Why did the aligator spit out his lunch?

Because it was two years old

My Wife wore a "Vaccines cause autism" shirt

She was insulted, punched and spit on

Not to imagine what would have happened if she left the house!

Why did she spit out the turkey soup?

She said it had a fowl taste.

A school teacher in Hyderabad was once asked, "Can you make a sentence without using 'E'?"

"I doubt I can. It’s a major part of many many words. Omitting it is as hard as making muffins without flour. It’s as hard as spitting without saliva, napping without a pillow, driving a train without tracks, sailing to Russia without a boat, washing your hands without soap. And, anyway, what would ...

I once choked trying to eat a dictionary. So then my friend helped me spit it out...

He took the words right out of my mouth.

My son is taking part in a social experiment where he has to wear a t-shirt saying "GO VEGAN" for 2 weeks and see how people react.

So far, he has been punched, spit on and a bottle thrown at him!

I'm curious to see what happens when he goes outside.

My son joined an experiment at school, where they would see what the reaction was on wearing a “go vegan” shirt for 2 weeks. So far he has been beaten, spitted on and yelled at.

I wonder what will happen if he goes outside of our house.

Which sultry-voiced singer will happily spit in your face?

Llama Del Rey.

What do radical Islamic wrappers spit?

Allahu Ak-BARS

The new girl at work slapped me today because I asked if she spits or swallows...

It seemed like a perfectly reasonable question, considering we work as wine tasters...

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Two Ukrainians and a Russian get on a plane.

They're seated next to each other the Russian having the aisle seat.

He gets comfortable for the flight and takes his shoes off, when one of the Ukrainians says:

"Fuck, I'm thirsty, I could use a coke," he starts to get up, when the Russian interrupts him.

"No, no, no. Sit down,...

Why did Princess Leia spit and not swallow?

Because it was Chewy

I just got slapped by a girl for asking her, "Do you spit or swallow?"

I thought this was a very reasonable question to ask her, considering we were at a wine tasting session.

In the prison shower

A man is being send to prison, on the first day in the shower he is approached by a giant muscular inmate who asks him intimidatingly

"With or without spit?!"

The man thinks to himself that it will happen no matter what and that it might hurt less with spit so he frighteningly stamme...

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A scientist turns up a bottle then immediately spits the contents across the room.

You said that was water! It tastes like fucking peroxide!

You asked what I was drinking I said H^(2)O. Then you asked what was in that bottle and I said ," That's H^(2)O^(2)'

What do you call a green onion that spits rhymes?

A rapscallion

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A Soviet spits in front of an American soldier

The American replied with disgust, "you have no class."

Why do so many guys spit in urinals?

Just seems weird that there are that many dudes who salivate at the sight of a wiener.

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What has two humps, moves slow and will spit in your eyes when angry?

My mother-in law.
You were almost right,
she has a huge camel toe!

The only thing worse than her spitting on your grave...

...is her swallowing on it.

What’s pink, round, and spits approximately 3.1415926589 pastry tins at an incredibly fast speed?

Kirby after winning the Pi eating contest.

What did Dr. Frankenstein say when his monster spit?

"It's saliva! IT'S SALIIIVA!!!"

A doctor had an unusual habit.

He had a fee of $50, no matter what ailment. If he failed in finding a cure, he would give $500 to the patient.

One day, a man came to him and said, "Doctor, my sense of taste is deteriorating."
The doctor gave him a jar and said, "Have a spoonful of this."
The man tries some, spits...

What do you call a spitting vampire?

Spatula.

What's the difference between a teacher and a train??

The teacher tells you to to spit out the gum, while the other says "chew-chew!"

An Australian Chef was caught spitting on every dish he made.

His career's saliva now.

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a rum and coke, but the bartender hands him an apple.

"What the hell is this? I ordered a rum and coke," the guy protests.

"Just take a bite of the apple," says the bartender. So, the guy bites the apple, and his eyes light up.

"Hey this apple tastes just like rum! What did you soak it in it?"

The bartender tells him, "Turn it arou...

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A guy walks into a bar...

... and asks the bartender for a Jack and Coke. The bartender hands him an apple. The man, looking confused, asks, "What's this?" The bartender replies, "Take a bite out of the apple." The man does and surprised, he says, "Wow, this tastes like Jack Daniels!" The bartender says, "Now turn it around....

2 men go fishing, One has a stutter

The man with a stutter says “shh ssshhh sshh”. The other man says “what is it, did you catch a fish”? The stuttering man continues to make ssshhh noises, the other man says “spit it out”. The stuttering man says “ssshhh ship!!” Before the 2nd man can react a ship crashes into their boat.

M...

An Englishman, a Welshman and an Irishman enter a bar.

An Irishman, an Englishman, and a Welshman walk into a bar and order a pint of beer each. Suddenly, a fly lands in each of their pints.

The Englishman pushes his pint away in disgust and orders another one.

The Welshman carefully removes the fly and continues drinking.

The Irish...

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Two cowboys walk into a bar and sit down for a drink.

A woman sitting next to them drinking her martin starts choking on her olive.

One cowboy says to the other cowboy, "I'm going to help that there woman." He looks at her and says, "Are you choking?" And she nods yes. "Do you want me to help you?" Again she nods yes.

With that, the cowbo...

The Spitting Cobra's venom can make you go blind. What Swedish snake can help you see more clearly?

The Vindshield Viper!

I got spit on by a farm animal and thought it was the end of the world.

It was just the alpaca lips.

What is it called when your toddler spits out everything you make for him?

Feedback

A British man was talking to his friend about his views on Brexit...

"These bloody immigrants come over here. They're up to no good, right? I hate these bloody immigrants. They need to go back to where they came from."


His friend replies with "But why do you hate them so much?"


The British man replies, "I'll tell you why I hate them, I'll te...

Finally watching One Piece and just saw tiny Buggy the Clown get spit out by a bird that tried to eat him.

I guess he tasted funny.

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Girlfriend and Boyfriend Chatting.

Girlfriend: You said you was going to give me an Orgasm.


Boyfriend: I did, why the fuck you spit it out?

What do you call a group of western bars themed around urns into which you spit that are decorated with picture of Inklings?

A Splatoon spittoon saloon platoon

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A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

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A kindergarten teacher is teaching her students about the five senses.

Today, she's demonstrating to the class the sense of taste. To do so, she unwraps a bunch of candies and has the students guess what flavor they are. The students are doing great at first. They correctly guess the flavor of every candy, until they get to a honey-flavored one. For several minutes, th...

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8 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. I reposted it 4 years ago. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

A wife is complaining about her husband spending all his time at the local tavern, so one night he takes her along with him.

"What'll ya have?" he asks.

"Oh, I don't know. The same as you, I suppose," she replies.

So the husband orders a couple of Jack Daniels and gulps his down in one go.

His wife watches him, then takes a sip from her glass and immediately spits it out.

"Yuck! It tastes awful...

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I've been watching so much porn lately…

I've started spitting on my front door lock before I put the key in…

Why did the trekkie spit out her latte at the Star Trek Convention?

Cause William Shatner Coffee.

hahahha

Police are investigating reports of a farmer in Kansas who has been systematically depositing his saliva on every bale in town, once every 24 hours.

The police have been slowly getting tired of the monotonous investigation that, so far, has still produced no results. As quoted in their report:

“Same spit, different hay.”

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A quack posted a sign on his place which said "Can treat all kinds of illneses for $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $100"

A guy tried his luck and went inside.

Guy: hey doc, my sense of taste is messed up

Quack: Okay. Let me get the medicine from the second shelf and you'll drink one tablespoon of it

[*guy drinks medicine*]

Guy: [*spits*] fuck you, this is gasoline!

Quack: y...

Most people would say that Eminem, Jay-Z, or Andre 3000 spit the hardest on the mic...

I personally think it was Mia Khalifa.

A man goes to the restroom, and leaves his drink with a note "I spit into it", to avoid it getting stolen

He comes back and finds another note: "me too"

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A businessman, a doctor, and a lawyer walk into a bar.

They grab a table, order drinks, and begin commiserating about work.

The businessman starts. He says: "I've been dealing with this investor who's financing my company. Every time I ask this guy for even a bit of slack when revenue is tight he comes down on me like he thinks I'm good for nothi...

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up.

Three babies in the womb discuss what they would like to be when they grow up. The first one says, “I wanna be a plumber, so I can fix the pipes in here.” The second one says, “I wanna be an electrician, so I can get some lights in here.” The third one says, “I wanna be a boxer.” The others look con...

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This joke got me fired when I worked as a cook. Credit goes to Jackie “The Joke Man” Martling

A husband goes to his wife and says “You’re either going hunting with me, sucking my cock or I’m fucking you in the ass. I’m gonna go get the dogs ready and I’ll be back for your answer.”

After a bit of time, he returns to his wife who defiantly says to him “I’m not going hunting and there’s...

USPS releases a stamp with Trump's picture

The US Postal Services releases a stamp with a picture of President Trump. But the new stamp was not sticking to envelopes. This enraged the President, who demanded a full investigation.
After weeks of testing and $1.73 million in congressional spending, a special Presidential commission presen...

What do you call the activity where you insert a hairy rod in your mouth and at the end you spit out a white liquid?

Brushing your teeth.

A grizzled old man was eating in a truck stop when three Hell's Angels bikers walked in.

The first walked up to the old man and pushed his cigarette into the old man's pie, and then he took a
seat at the counter.
The second walked up to the old man and spit into the old man's milk, and then he took a seat at the
counter.
The third walked up to the old man and turned ...

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Smart pills

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa

There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."
<...

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An Irishman's first drink with his son

I was watching that American TV show "Modern Family" and it got me thinking about the time I took my son out for his first drink.



We went down the street to the local pub, only a couple of blocks away.



I got him a Guinness Stout. He didn't like it, so I drank it.
...

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An Englishman, an American and an Irishman walk into a Bar.

Each orders a double scotch.

Through a stroke of misfortune, a fly lands in each of their drinks.

The Englishman calls the waiter, points out the fly, and gets his drink returned.

The American looks around a while, ensures no one is looking, takes the fly out with a pair of twee...

When is the only appropriate time to spit in an Italian woman's face?

When her mustache is on fire!

A man walks into a bar.

He orders a drink there. After two drinks, while having the third one, he gets a phone call. Not wanting anyone to drink his beer while he's gone, he spits in it and puts a note - I spit in my beer.

After he has taken the call, he comes back to his seat, only to find another note, saying - I ...

A guy goes to prison first night

He meets his roommate and its a big, BIG dude and he says "alright, you know this is gonna happen, so you can do it with, or without spit." And he replys "I dont want either." And his roommate says back "with or without its happening so choose." And he answers "well obviously I want with spit." And ...

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A guy walks into a bar and says to the bartender

I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don't try to fool me because I can tell the difference." 

The bartender is skeptical and decides to try to trick the man with 5-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, "Bartender, this crap is 5-year scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch...

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An Englishman, a Scotsman, and and Irishman all enter a pub, sit down at the bar, and each orders a pint.

By some incredible coincidence, three flies come along and each one lands in a separate glass.

The Englishman pushes his glass away in disgust and demands that it be replaced on the house.

The Scotsman scoops the fly out of his beer, drops it on the bar top, and continues to sip.
...

An English man, an Irish man, and a Scots man walks into a bar

… and order a pint each.
A fly lands in the English mans beer and he pushes it away in disgust.

Another fly lands in the Irish mans beer but he drinks the beer with the fly in it.

A third fly lands the the Scots beer. He lifts up the fly in its tiny wings, shakes it, and yells: “...

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A lady and her little boy is eating in a restaurant. In an oversight, the kid swallows a coin and starts choking.

The mother tried hitting his back, slapping on the neck, shaking him hard without any success to make him spit the coin.



A man gets up from a nearby table, he lowers boy's pants, and squeezes his testicles. Voila! The boy spits out the coin.

The mother thanked the gentleman...

A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. He takes a sip, then spits it out. "I paid for vodka, but this is water! Gimme my money back or I'll sue you!"

"How?" the barkeep chuckles. "You have zero proof."

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A boy asks his girlfriend over for dinner to meet his parents.

He tells her he will pick her up at 6 and his parents are seeing a show afterwards, so they will have the house all to themselves. She’s nervous, but also excited, so goes shopping to pick out some lingerie for their big night.

She and the chatty assistant just click and get to talking about...

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