The world champion tongue twister got arrested.

I hear they’re going to give him a tough sentence.

What makes a good tongue twister?

Well it’s hard to say.

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

If found guilty he'll be given a tough sentence.

Why did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his breakfast before it was cool.

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

Do you know how to turn your tongue into a superhero?

You just bite it real hard. It will become Thor.

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Scruffy Bollocks.

Why did the hippie burn his tongue drinking coffee?

Because he drank it way before it was cool.

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is sexy

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm terrified.

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

The hipster burnt her tongue

she sipped her coffee before it was cool



*By: my lovely sister :D*

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

Why are your tongue and you mouth best friends?

They are taste buds.

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

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How is performing cunnilingus similar to being in the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

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3 guys stuck on a deserted island (translated joke from my native tongue)

3 guys got stranded on an island. A white guy a black guy and an asian guy. They started to search the island to see of there's any sign of civilization. Little did they know that there's a tribe filled with indigenous cannibals. They were captured right away. But before they eat them they always h...

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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Having had extremely bad breath for most of his adult life, and having tried every possible over the counter mouthwash and toothpaste, Larry finally decides to go see a Doctor.

The Doctor examines Larry, takes samples of his saliva, tooth plaque and does a tongue swab. He asks Larry to return Tuesday for the test results.

Tuesday Larry is sitting in the Doctor's office, hopeful for a cure.

"Larry", says the Doc, "Your breath could knock a buzzard off a shit ...

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What's that game/quiz show on NPR on Saturdays? It's on the tip of my tongue...

Wait, wait, don't tell me...

I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

Once upon a time in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.

By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.

“Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'...

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This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)

Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would t...

Little Johnny and the teacher's gift

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store ow...

Shoe Store

When I was young my parents started up a shoe store, which wasn’t overly successful but they made ends meet. Due to various economic pressures they had to outsource labour overseas to China. My father, Bob, could speak Mandarin so always conversed with the manager of the production plant in their na...

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday.

I accidentally said, "Fuck you Karen, you ruined my fucking life."

My favorite word is drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

Amish Farmer

An Amish farmer, walking through his field, notices a man kneeling down and drinking from his farm pond.

The Amish farmer shouts:
'Trink das wasser nicht. Die kuhen haben dahin gesheissen.' (Which means: 'Don't drink the water, the cows have sh-t in it.')

The kneeling man shouts ...

A friend of mine tried telling a joke about a tornado...

It was a real tongue twister.

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Settling The Ultimate Debate (LONG, OC)

Jerry didn't really like his name, but it could have been much worse. He could have been named after his father Zorelle. Jerry had a dyslexic brother named Dave who worshipped Christopher Reeve and loved quoting the old Superman movies.

One day while in quarantine, Jerry was up early browsin...

A farmer bought a rooster to service his hens.

So, this farmer went out and bought a new rooster as a stud rooster. Every day, the farmer watched the rooster go service all the hens, then the rooster would start in on the pigs, the sheep, the cows, it would mate with them all. The farmer always shook his head and said, "One of these days.. one o...

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Italian, Frenchman and a Redneck...

An Italian, Frenchman and redneck were comparing lovemaking skills. The Italian says, ‘When I’ve a finished a makina da love withah my wife, I go down and gently tickle the back of her knees, she floats 6 inches above a da bed in ecstacy.

The Frenchman replies. "zat is noting, when Ah’ve fini...

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What does a 9volt battery and a girls butthole have in common?

You know you shouldn’t, but eventually you’ll put your tongue on it.

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What do you call an Irishman with a homoerotic tongue fetish?

Gaelic

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Some senior told me this one the other day at the quarry

So after a day of work brewing moonshine, a man and his friends decide to go to the nearby restaurant and get some food. So they go and they sit and they each order a burger and beer.

After talking and enjoying their food, talking about business and the like, a young woman at the other table ...

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

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Two Hillbillies Have Lunch

Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant.
While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.
Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.
One of the hillbillies looks...

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

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A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

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The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch

Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

You shouldn't joke about people without tongues.

They're pretty tasteless.

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The consolation in misery

The caliph of Basra, in the Arabian Thousand and One Nights, had earned a reputation as a cruel and harsh man. His sentences were exceedingly rigorous, his punishments merciless.

The Janissaries presented him inmates every day, and the caliph, after knowing the guilt of each one, decreed the...

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A Jewish woman having sex

An Italian woman having sex: "Ahhh, Luigi! Deeper, harder!!"
A French woman having sex: "Ooo, Pierre! Swirl your tongue RIGHT THERE!"
A Jewish woman having sex: "Frank, you need to paint the ceiling."

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

As the new Baptist minister berated the congregation 'Yea be there any among you who commit adultery.'

'May your tongue cleave to da ruf o yo moufh.'

I hate tongue, I won't eat something that was in an animal's mouth.

Now excuse me while I eat my eggs.

What was the name for that stuff that builds up under foreskin again?

It's on the tip of my tongue.

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Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I acc...

Do you have a banana?

My six year old nephew just cracked this joke after the NFC game, we could not stop laughing. Alcohol might have played a role!

A monkey goes to a bar...

Monkey to bartender: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Monkey: Do you have a banana?

Bartender: No

Mon...

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A magical frog, a bear, and a rabbit

Once there was a magical frog in a forest. He woke up one morning and said to himself, “Today I’m going to be generous. I will grant 3 wishes to the first 2 animals I see.” He goes outside and he sees a bear. Soon after he sees a rabbit.

The frog calls over the bear and the rabbit, and he tel...

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

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A little kid goes up to his dad and asks: "Dad, what's a clitoris?" The dad, quite surprised, answers:

"Well listen son, a clitoris is a... uh - hmmm... Dang it! I forgot but I swear it was right on the tip of my tongue!"

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I tried to make a joke about eating ass...

Butt it was a little too tongue-in-cheek

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

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The Male Anatomy

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.


Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out befo...

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A beaver is at the doctor

A doctor is in a checkup room and had been following up with a patient, who is a beaver, for the past hour with an unexplainable illness.

They’ve eventually whittled down options and are now facing normal protocol to see if he’s actually sick or if it’s something else.

“Well, we’ve che...

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Norwegian Virgin

Olof Swenson, out in his pasture in northern Minnesota , took a lightning-quick kick from a cow...right in his crotch. Writhing in agony, he fell to the ground.

As soon as he could manage, he took himself to the doctor. He said: “How bad is it Doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next veek and my f...

A man rushes to the emergency room with no apparent problems.

Man: Doctor, doctor! I always feel an itch somewhere on my body.

Doctor: Anything else?

Man: Yes, my tongue is sitting uncomfortably in my mouth, I have to control my blinking, and I can't get my pants to sit comfortably on my waist!

Doctor: Well, at least you aren't breathing m...

I was going to make a joke about tastebuds

But I seem to have forgotten it, it's right on the tip of my tongue.

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Little Johnny asked his teacher if he could talk to her after class

Johnny:" Miss I believe im too smart for my age I want to move on directly to high-school, I'm bored in here."
Hearing that, teacher can't believe his audacity, but nevertheless aranges with the principal an exam in his office for the boy.
The principal is astounded to find that Johnny had an...

I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...

...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.

I was speechless.

In the days of old the River Thames was once plagued with a giant wyrm.

The dread creature preyed upon any who used or went near the river, and many lives were lost, and eventually the call went out for a brave knight to slay the vile creature. It soon became apparent that this was no task for a common knight, but only the holiest and most dedicated - a living saint....

Fun Fact: A male chameleons tongue is 1-1.5 times their bodies length and can fire in & out really fast.

Another fun fact: female chameleons are very happy.

A blind snake and a blind rabbit bump into each other...

The snake feels the rabbit and says "You are soft,small, and have a bushy tail, you must be a rabbit.", the the rabbit feel the snake and says "You're slimy, have beady eyes, slither in the ground, and have a forked tongue, you must be a politician!".

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Justice is served

So Donald Trump is finally found guilty for all of his high crimes and misdemeanors. The very fine people of New York have won the privilege to decide his fate. Before his many years in prison the city had declared that, The Donald be put in stocks and chains on display in the middle of 5th Avenue. ...

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A snake says to his Mum, are we venomous snakes?

His mum replies no son, Why?

Thank fuck for that, I just bit my tongue.

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Biology Class

In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen.

A young female (freshman) raised her hand and asked "If I understand, you're saying there is a lot of glucose in male semen as in sugar ?"

"That's correct", responded the prof, going on to add stat...

My niece wouldn't eat the beef tongue because it came out of the mouth of an animal.

I then prepared her an egg...

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I tried to think of a pun about ass eating

but I couldn't think of anything tongue'n cheek

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[NSFW] During a biology class, the teacher says

During a biology class, the teacher says, " Your semen has some glucose in it."


At which, a kid goes, " So, it must taste sweet. But, it doesn't."


Teacher: "That's because the sweet taste buds are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of it."

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Mum, how do you spell clitoris?

I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning

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Why is a clitoris like a cliche ?

They both roll off your tongue 😋

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A man was driving on the freeway when he saw a sign that said "Whistle Blowjobs - 10 miles"

" whistle blowjobs?" He thought to himself, wondering what that was all about.

"They suck your dick while they whistle? That's impossible!"

Then he passed another sign: "Whistle Blowjobs - 5 miles"

And another: "Whistle Blowjobs - 1 mile"

At this time he was so curious...

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