What did Thor say after he bit his tongue?

I'm Thor

The world tongue-twister champion just got arrested.

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence.

Two Chess Grandmasters sit down for a Drink

They get a little tipsy, and their tongues loosen up.

Charles: “My wife has been awfully quiet recently. I think she may be having an affair.”

Digory: “...”

Charles: “Well come on man, don’t be so glum.”

Digory: “Charles, I have a confession about my last mate.”

Ch...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a woman’s asshole and a 9-volt battery have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but you put your tongue on it anyway.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Mum, how do you spell clitoris?"

"I don’t know darling, ask your dad, it was on the tip of his tongue this morning"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

What do I like about a good tongue twister?

It's hard to say...

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Seeing everyone translating jokes from their mother tongues I want to try my hand at it

From Russian:

Drill sergeants office, another sergeant rushes in:

- Hey Johnson, all your squad is in the barracks fucking bench!

Sergeant jumps up, picks up his hat and storms into barracks. On the way he thinks to himself: "These damn recruits, can't last a week without a woma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes to the doctors with a swollen tongue...

.... he says “docther, I cant even schpeak properchkly”

The doctor says “I have the same condition and when I gets like this I go straight home and lick my wife’s vagina for an hour and the tongue goes back to normal and she loves it”

A few days later the man comes in and his tongue is...

I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee..

I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.

I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.

Good Luck..

Baby snake: “Mommy, are we poisonous?”

Mother snake: “Yes, son. Why?”
Baby snake: “I just bit my tongue.”

Once there was a dragon slayer named Nick.....

Nick was a wealthy man, due to the fact that there were many dragons around the kingdom that required killing. The king of the land used to pay a great price for every dragon killed. But Nick had a deep secret, he had a massive desire to sleep with the queen, even if it was just for a night.
One...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Japanese couple is visiting America for the first time

When they arrive at the airport, it's just past dawn. The girlfriend, who doesn't speak any English, says in her native tongue "Good morning!"

To which the boyfriend tells her "No, babe, this is Nebraska."

Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out?

Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.

What has heels, ears and tongues but can't walk, taste or hear

Shoes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hillbillies walk into a bar...

While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation.

Suddenly, a woman at a nearby table, who is eating a sandwich, begins to cough.

After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress. One of the hillbillies looks at her and says, Kin ya swallar?'...

A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure...

...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.

She has ear rings, a nose ring, a lip ring, tongue ring, and nipple rings.

Tell me why I got slapped when I said "I want to give you a finger ring".

Mr. Chair is in distress after Mrs Chair went under surgery, even after it went successful, with no incidents whatsoever.

So one of his friends asks Mr Chair what happened. And he answered: "I've been married to my wonderful and lovely Mrs Chair for fifteen years, and now this doctor comes with a stupid smile on his face and tells me she's table!"

-

Obligatory: English is not my native tongue, so sorry f...

Do you know how to turn your tongue into a superhero?

You just bite it real hard. It will become Thor.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slip of the tongue

You know sometimes when you try to say something, but an unfortunate slip happens, and you say something different? Like the guy who went up to the airline counter wanting “two tickets to Pittsburgh”, but got flustered when he saw the beautiful ticket clerk, and accidentally said “two pickets to Tit...

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

Is there some way to describe reading Braille incorrectly?

The words are right on the tip of my tongue.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A king suspected his queen of infidelity

Once a king suspected his queen of infidelity. She was pretty promiscuous and he suspected her of sleeping around. So he devised a plan. When she was sleeping, he planted a knife in her privates. He then went hunting for a week. When he came back, he told all his courtiers to strip down. Everyone ha...

I was slightly surprised to learn that dogs' tongues are smooth

I thought they'd be ruff

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This farmer has a roster that screws every living creature in sight...

Farmer's neighbor wants to breed his chickens, but his rooster was eaten by a fox, so he goes and asks his neighbor for help.

"Hey Joe... So, I know your roster has quite a sex drive. How about you make some money and wear him out a bit? I need about 200 of my hens bred and will pay you well ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Scruffy Bollocks.

"What's HCl?"

"uhhhh I can't remember. It's on the tip of my tongue!"

"SPIT IT OUT! It's Hydrochloric Acid!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What’s the difference between a 9 volt battery and an ass hole.

You know you shouldn’t but you still want to put your tongue on it.

I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch

Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 guys stuck on a deserted island (translated joke from my native tongue)

3 guys got stranded on an island. A white guy a black guy and an asian guy. They started to search the island to see of there's any sign of civilization. Little did they know that there's a tribe filled with indigenous cannibals. They were captured right away. But before they eat them they always h...

The hipster burnt her tongue

she sipped her coffee before it was cool



*By: my lovely sister :D*

Are you RACIST?

Why, yes, I am R.A.C.I.S.T:

Respect my friend's different beliefs

Adore the little quirks in their traditions

Care for my friends, no matter their skin color

Inform myself on what taboos I should never break

Smile when they speak their native tongues

The Fre...

Medical exam

During a lady's medical examination, the doctor says, "Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let me see the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble."
The lady starts taking off her undies but is interrupted by the doctor. "No! No! .... Just stick out your tong...

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How to Write a Paper

1. Sit in a straight, comfortable chair, in a well lit place, with plenty of freshly sharpened pencils.

2. Check your email.

3. Read over the assignment carefully, to make certain you understand.

4. Walk down to the vending machines and buy some coffee to help you conce...

I haven't seen this one here before

Late one Friday night, John visits the brothel. As he walks in, he is greeted by all the usual faces.

"Hey John, back again?"

"Johnny boy. Must be payday."

So on and so forth.

Then the Madame of the house spots him and hurries over.

"Mr. John. How lovely to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an Irishman with a homoerotic tongue fetish?

Gaelic

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What does a vagina and a mafia have in common?

If you accidentally slipped your tongue, you're in a deep shit.

Why are your tongue and you mouth best friends?

They are taste buds.

I tried to learn the tongue of the people in Finland.

But I couldn't Finnish a sentence.

So, I was talking to my British friend.

I told him that I started watching some British TV. The name of what I saw was on the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t exactly remember what it was.

He told me to describe it and I said, “you know, the one with the doctor.”

“Oh Doctor Who?”

“No, Dr No!”

“Oh, thanks but I’...

I embedded my teeth with diamonds and gold and burned my tongue.

Lesson learned, don't put a grill in your mouth.

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Jazz Pianist

An Michelin star restaurant is looking for a pianist to entertain customers while they dine. The owner has been auditioning for weeks, but has had no luck finding someone suitable. One day, a guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager repli...

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

Have you heard the one about rim jobs?

It's very tongue in cheek.

Just saw A blonde running down the street.

She had an arm full of chicken tikka masala.

I think she got mixed up when her friend said,

today we are going to rob Curry's.

For Americans and other English Tongue out there.

( Curry's in England is an electrical store.)

I had a joke to post here about eating ass, but now I'm not so sure

It might be too tongue-in-cheek

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

What do you call a Chinese despot who squeaks when he talks?

Mousey Tongue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

You shouldn't joke about people without tongues.

They're pretty tasteless.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

Did you hear the joke about rim jobs?

Its very tongue-in-cheek!

How do shoes taste?

With their tongues

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

My favorite word is "drool.

It just rolls off the tongue.

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I acc...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets on an airplane with a black eye...

Soon another man sits down next to him with a black eye. The first man says, "Hello this is kind of strange, but I noticed you have a black eye too...how did you get it?"

The other guy says , "Well it's kind of a tongue twister...I was standing in line to get my ticket and the girl at the de...

What food did the Russians eat under Stalin?

Propaganda. It gave them a red tongue.

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.