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Tongue Jokes

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a teenage boy keeps depositing one million dollar in his bank account every day

one day, Mrs. Mary the bank manager asks him to provide the source of all the money he's depositing

"I win it through gambling" he answers

"nobody can win that much money so consistently through gambling"

"wanna proof? how about we bet on 1000$ that...

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

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Two hillbillies walk into a restaurant. While having a bite to eat, they talk about their moonshine operation. Suddenly, a woman eating a sandwich at a nearby table begins to cough. After a minute or so, it becomes apparent that she is in real distress.

One of the hillbillies looks at her and says: "Kin ya swallar?"The woman shakes her head no. Then he asks: "Kin ya breathe?"The woman begins to turn blue and shakes her head no.

The hillbilly walks over to the woman, lifts up her dress, yanks down her drawers, and quickly gives her right butt...

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

What makes a good tongue-twister?

Well, it's hard to say...

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A slip of the tongue

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy say...

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What do the mafia and a pussy have in common?

One slip of tongue, and you're in deep shit.

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my son came to me and asked, dad whats a clitoris?

I answered:

Damn son you should have asked me that yesterday, it was on the tip of my tongue!

What do you call a person who speaks in tongues?

Cunnilingual

I hate when the doctor pushes down on your tongue with that wooden stick

It's depressing

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

I thought my tongue game was rusty

Turns out I just had to get it whet

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Two Rednecks are eating in a fancy restaurant....

Suddenly, the woman sitting at the next table starts choking and gasping for air. Everyone else around just sits there watching, but one of the Rednecks JUMPS up, grabs the woman and yanks her out of the chair. He then pulls her dress up over her head, yanks her panties down and runs his tongue up t...

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A man goes to the doctors with a swollen tongue...

.... he says “docther, I cant even schpeak properchkly”

The doctor says “I have the same condition and when I gets like this I go straight home and lick my wife’s vagina for an hour and the tongue goes back to normal and she loves it”

A few days later the man comes in and his tongue is...

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

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The Silver Tongued Salesman

A young hotshot from New York moves to California for some fun in the sun.

He goes to the local mega store looking for a sales job.

The manager, a little doubtful, asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The cocky kid responds, "Yup. I did sales back in New York."

The b...

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

After seeing watching videos and tutorials online, I finally tried to tie a knot using my tongue.

But I only ended up getting tongue-tied.

What did Thor say after he bit his tongue?

I'm Thor

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out?

Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.

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Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I acc...

Did you know, if you bite your own tongue knowingly, it doesn't hurt?

Did you know that you just bit your tongue?

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My girlfriend said she wants to split her tongue to give me the best blowjobs

Now I look at snakes all different.

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Seeing everyone translating jokes from their mother tongues I want to try my hand at it

From Russian:

Drill sergeants office, another sergeant rushes in:

- Hey Johnson, all your squad is in the barracks fucking bench!

Sergeant jumps up, picks up his hat and storms into barracks. On the way he thinks to himself: "These damn recruits, can't last a week without a woma...

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Slip of the tongue

You know sometimes when you try to say something, but an unfortunate slip happens, and you say something different? Like the guy who went up to the airline counter wanting “two tickets to Pittsburgh”, but got flustered when he saw the beautiful ticket clerk, and accidentally said “two pickets to Tit...

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

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What does a 9 volt battery and a woman’s arsehole have in common?

You know it’s wrong, but sooner or later you’re going to stick your tongue on it.

I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Scruffy Bollocks.

What has heels, ears and tongues but can't walk, taste or hear

Shoes

You shouldn't joke about people without tongues.

They're pretty tasteless.

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3 guys stuck on a deserted island (translated joke from my native tongue)

3 guys got stranded on an island. A white guy a black guy and an asian guy. They started to search the island to see of there's any sign of civilization. Little did they know that there's a tribe filled with indigenous cannibals. They were captured right away. But before they eat them they always h...

What is your Tongue's Best Friend?

Its tasteBUDS!

The hipster burnt her tongue

she sipped her coffee before it was cool



*By: my lovely sister :D*

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

Choking Lady

Two hillbillies walked into a local restaurant as they had decided to stop by for a bite to eat. While they dined, they talked about their moonshine operation.

All of a sudden, one woman sitting next to them (she had been eating a sandwich just right across their table) begun to cough. After ...

Do you know how to turn your tongue into a superhero?

You just bite it real hard. It will become Thor.

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What do you call an Irishman with a homoerotic tongue fetish?

Gaelic

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

She has ear rings, a nose ring, a lip ring, tongue ring, and nipple rings.

Tell me why I got slapped when I said "I want to give you a finger ring".

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

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Four musicians are arguing about who gives the best blowjobs in the band.

The first says, “Clarinet players are the best, because they can put so much in their mouth and still play beautifully.”

The second says, “No, it’s flute players! They can handle the mouthpiece sensitively while still using their fingers.”

The third still disagrees, and says “It’s oboe...

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The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch

Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

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A loose tongued child.

A child was being rather risque at a family gathering, using undesirable language, when an old aunt comes up and makes an excuse for his poor choice of words.
"You shouldnt be saying things like that, what are you like?"
To which the child replies, "A castle, because I've got FUCKING TURRETS...

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A fancy restaurant is hiring a new pianist

A guy called John comes in and says "Hi there, I'm here about the pianist position."

The manager replies "That's fantastic, do you mind sitting at the piano and showing me what you can do?"

So John sits at the piano and starts to play one of the most beautiful songs the manager has ev...

I tried to learn the tongue of the people in Finland.

But I couldn't Finnish a sentence.

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

Just stuck my tongue in an outlet.

The results were shocking.

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For some people, alcohol loosens their tongue; others

Their butthole

What do you call a couple of tongues that are best friends?

Taste buds.

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

I embedded my teeth with diamonds and gold and burned my tongue.

Lesson learned, don't put a grill in your mouth.

I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...

...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.

I was speechless.

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The tongue twister...

The wife asks her husband:

-Hey, do you know any tongue twisters?

-Yes, penis.

-Penis? thats not a tongue twisfhndnfasdfnghfgh

I put my tongue in coco

I found it peasant and tasty. Then I put my tongue in Ice-t...and he punched me. His wife still calls though.

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

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