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Tongue Jokes

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What do the mafia and a have in common?

One slip of tongue, and you're in deep .

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Just a slip of the tongue

A guy boards the flight and looks over at his row mate to see they have something in common and strikes up a conversation-

Guy 1 - Wow, what a coincidence. We both have a black eye!

Guy 2 - Yeah, it was really just a slip of the tongue. I was at the ticket counter and the woman behind ...

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Actually happened: I saw a girl at a party who was distraught and crying because she had accidentally swallowed a tongue piercing.

Her boyfriend put his arm around her and said, “This, too, shall PASS.”

If she doesn’t marry him, I will.

What makes a good tongue-twister?

Well, it's hard to say...

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: " you Helen you ruined my life"

Police have arrested the World tongue-twister Champion.

I imagine he'll be given a tough sentence.

An engineer had a sign in front of his clinic that said, "Medical consultation for only $50. If I can't make you better, I will pay you $100."

A doctor, knowing he can stump the engineer and wanting to get some cash, goes straight to the engineer. "Hey," he says. "I lost my sense of taste. I can't taste any food anymore."

The engineer takes a small bottle from his drawer, told the doctor to take his tongue out, and put 15 drops of t...

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A slip of the tongue

A guy with a black eye boards his plane bound for Pittsburgh and sits down in his seat.

He notices immediately that the guy next to him has a black eye, too.

He says to him, "Hey, this is a coincidence, we both have black eyes; mind if I ask how you got yours?"

The other guy say...

How did the hipster burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

TIL it is impossible to stick out your tongue while looking straight up

Without looking really dumb.

I hate when the doctor pushes down on your tongue with that wooden stick

It's depressing

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A woman was on the way to winning $100,000 on a game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night.

Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and .'

The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgettin...

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The Silver Tongued Salesman

A young hotshot from New York moves to California for some fun in the sun.

He goes to the local mega store looking for a sales job.

The manager, a little doubtful, asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"

The cocky kid responds, "Yup. I did sales back in New York."

The b...

On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist's son handed the teacher a gift.

She shook it, held it up and said, "I bet I know what it is - it's some flowers!"

"That's right!" shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner's daughter handed the teacher a gift.

She held it up, shook it and said. "...

Police: Why didn't you report your stolen credit card?

"If everyone is thinking alike, then somebody isn't thinking" -George S. Patton

"When you tear out a man's tongue, you are not proving him a liar; you're only telling the world that you fear what he might say." -George R. R. Martin

After seeing watching videos and tutorials online, I finally tried to tie a knot using my tongue.

But I only ended up getting tongue-tied.

Tongue anyone?

A man went to an ethnic restaurant for lunch and asked the waiter if there were any specials that day. The waiter beamed and said, we do have a marvelous tongue salad which our chef is very expert at preparing. The man said “I would never eat anything that came out of a cows mouth. I’d rather die.”<...

What tastes better than it smells?

Your tongue.

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very .

Then one day, I came to my senses.

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out?

Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.

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Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I acc...

You shouldn't joke about people without tongues.

They're pretty tasteless.

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Slip of the tongue

You know sometimes when you try to say something, but an unfortunate slip happens, and you say something different? Like the guy who went up to the airline counter wanting “two tickets to Pittsburgh”, but got flustered when he saw the beautiful ticket clerk, and accidentally said “two pickets to ...

What did Thor say after he bit his tongue?

I'm Thor

The Human Centipede wasn't that bad really..

...most of it was tongue in cheek.

Did you know, if you bite your own tongue knowingly, it doesn't hurt?

Did you know that you just bit your tongue?

My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

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What do you call an Irishman with a tongue fetish?

Gaelic

What is your Tongue's Best Friend?

Its tasteBUDS!

I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Scruffy .

What has heels, ears and tongues but can't walk, taste or hear

Shoes

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

The hipster burnt her tongue

she sipped her coffee before it was cool



*By: my lovely sister :D*

Do you know how to turn your tongue into a superhero?

You just bite it real hard. It will become Thor.

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

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The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch

Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

I tried to learn the tongue of the people in Finland.

But I couldn't Finnish a sentence.

She has ear rings, a nose ring, a lip ring, tongue ring, and rings.

Tell me why I got slapped when I said "I want to give you a finger ring".

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A loose tongued child.

A child was being rather risque at a family gathering, using undesirable language, when an old aunt comes up and makes an excuse for his poor choice of words.
"You shouldnt be saying things like that, what are you like?"
To which the child replies, "A castle, because I've got TURRETS...

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For some people, alcohol loosens their tongue; others

Their

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

I was bringing home some tongue from the butcher...

...when a cat jumped into my arms and took it.

I was speechless.

I put my tongue in coco

I found it peasant and tasty. Then I put my tongue in Ice-t...and he punched me. His wife still calls though.

Apparently they have increased the difficulty level of the "She sells sea shells" tongue twister in a newer version

The seller lives in Seychelles.

What do you call a couple of tongues that are best friends?

Taste buds.

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

I embedded my teeth with diamonds and gold and burned my tongue.

Lesson learned, don't put a grill in your mouth.

Just stuck my tongue in an outlet.

The results were shocking.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?
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