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A man goes to the doctors with a swollen tongue...

.... he says “docther, I cant even schpeak properchkly”

The doctor says “I have the same condition and when I gets like this I go straight home and lick my wife’s vagina for an hour and the tongue goes back to normal and she loves it”

A few days later the man comes in and his tongue is...

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Seeing everyone translating jokes from their mother tongues I want to try my hand at it

From Russian:

Drill sergeants office, another sergeant rushes in:

- Hey Johnson, all your squad is in the barracks fucking bench!

Sergeant jumps up, picks up his hat and storms into barracks. On the way he thinks to himself: "These damn recruits, can't last a week without a woma...

I have a tongue twister for all to try, I learnt this when I was a fifteen year old kid, I can still pull it off to a tee..

I'm not the Pheasant plucker, I'm the Pheasant pluckers mate.

I'm only plucking Pheasants because the Pheasant pluckers late.

Good Luck..

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TIL it's impossible to stick your tongue out and look up at the same time

Without looking like a twat

The world's tongue-twister champion just got arrested...

I hear they're gonna give him a really tough sentence

An old lady is at tea and her host asks "Would you care for a slice of cold pressed ox tongue?"

"Oh no," shudders the old lady, "I couldn't eat something that came out of an animal's mouth! Just an egg, please."

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Slip of the tongue

You know sometimes when you try to say something, but an unfortunate slip happens, and you say something different? Like the guy who went up to the airline counter wanting “two tickets to Pittsburgh”, but got flustered when he saw the beautiful ticket clerk, and accidentally said “two pickets to Tit...

What has heels, ears and tongues but can't walk, taste or hear

Shoes

Did you know that you can't breathe with your tongue out?

Pull your tongue back, you look like a donkey.

A man lost his tongue in an accident. He was most upset that he could no longer enjoy his food, so he searched for a surgeon that would do a transplant. Finally he found an organ doner and paid $25k for the procedure...

...later, he had to admit that the new tongue wasn't the same as before, but still it was an acquired taste.

Why did the Hipster Chef burn his tongue?

He ate his food before it was cool.

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My wife thinks her ability to tie a cherry stem into a knot with her tongue is cool

but as a man with a cherry-stem-sized penis I'm horrified.

Do you know how to turn your tongue into a superhero?

You just bite it real hard. It will become Thor.

She has ear rings, a nose ring, a lip ring, tongue ring, and nipple rings.

Tell me why I got slapped when I said "I want to give you a finger ring".

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For the longest time, I never found my ears, eyes, nose, or tongue very sexy.

Then one day, I came to my senses.

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Two guys at the airport each with black eyes

Notice each other.
First Guy: Hey, how did you get that black eye?

Second Guy: Funny story, I meant to ask the woman at the counter for 2 tickets to Pittsburgh, but a slip of the tongue and I said 2 pickets to tittsburgh and she socked me one! How about you?

First Guy: Same thing, ...

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What does a vagina and a mafia have in common?

If you accidentally slipped your tongue, you're in a deep shit.

I was slightly surprised to learn that dogs' tongues are smooth

I thought they'd be ruff

A husband asks his wife, 'Honey, can you tell me anything that makes me happy and sad at the same time?

The wife thinks for a moment and says, 'Of all your friend's, yours is the biggest one'


(Sorry if I made any mistake, I tried to translate it from my mother tongue)

I have to stop my tongue clicking habit

Yesterday, this Xhosa man almost punched me in the face, screaming 'What the hell did you just call me!?'

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Are You Sick?

A man takes a prostitute home for a few hours of fun. He immediately pulls up her dress and starts licking her pussy.

The woman grabs his hair and tells him to lick harder. The man complies but gets a piece of carrot in his mouth from her pussy. He wants to stop but the prostitute is begging...

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Boris Johnson,Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing..

Boris Johnson, Donald Trump and Angela Merkel are fishing on the North Sea coast .

Boris Johnson starts to brag while looking at the Water : „We British have the best submarines in the World. Our subs can be submerged under water for over one month without refueling!“

Merkel is looking...

What makes a good tongue twister?

Well it’s hard to say.

I had a joke to post here about eating ass, but now I'm not so sure

It might be too tongue-in-cheek

“I may be dumb, but I’m not stupid,”

...he wrote, after they cut out his tongue.

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NSFW What are the similarities between a 9V battery and a your new partners butthole?

You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue to it! ;)

Did you hear the joke about rim jobs?

Its very tongue-in-cheek!

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My tongue slipped when I was asking my wife to "pass the milk, honey" when we had breakfast yesterday

I accidentally said: "Fuck you Helen you ruined my fucking life"

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Your life pursuit

Long ago in a distant land an explorer and his large team of bearers, trackers, hunters, cooks, handymen, translators and so on came upon a village of people never before known to the outside world.

Luckily the translators were able to communicate with the people and soon the explorer was tal...

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

What do you call a dog with no tongue?

Scruffy Bollocks.

This farmer has about 500 hens, but no rooster, and he wants chicks. So, he goes down the road to the next farmer and asks if he has a rooster that he would sell.

The other farmer says, "Yep, I've got this great rooster, named Kenny. He'll service every chicken you got, no problem." Well, Kenny the rooster costs $3,000, a lot of money, but the farmer decides he'd be worth it. So, he buys Kenny.

The farmer takes Kenny home and sets him down in the barny...

Friends, I say this to you with tongue firmly in cheek

don't ever put super glue in your mouth.

My grandfather had his tongue shot out during the war.

He never spoke about it.

Thought of this last night. This is probably not that good....

Why do people with sharp teeth have a hard time being quiet?

It hurts to bite their tongue.

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What's the difference between a vagina and the mafia?

One slip of the tongue and you're in deep shit.

Edit : Oops, there goes my chance of getting free awards.

Customer: What would you recommend from the menu? Waitress: The beef tongue is very good today. Customer: Yeech! I'd never eat anything that came from an animal's mouth.

Waitress: Okay. How about some eggs?

The hipster burnt her tongue

she sipped her coffee before it was cool



*By: my lovely sister :D*

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A man gets on an airplane with a black eye...

Soon another man sits down next to him with a black eye. The first man says, "Hello this is kind of strange, but I noticed you have a black eye too...how did you get it?"

The other guy says , "Well it's kind of a tongue twister...I was standing in line to get my ticket and the girl at the de...

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A man who smokes . . .

A man who smokes has an increased risk of getting lung cancer.

A man who performs cunnilingus has an increased risk of getting tongue cancer.

And a man who does both has an increased risk of starting a bush fire.

I tried tongue kissing once.

Got kicked out the butcher's......

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Dad, what is a clitoris?

You should have asked me yesterday evening, son. It was on the tip of my tongue.

New Rooster

A farmer’s rooster passed away so he went to a neighboring farm to get another one. Speaking to the other farmer - He watches the flock and sees a rooster running all over the place screwing every chicken he can get a hold of. The farmer says “ I think I’ll take that one.” The other farmer says “Oh,...

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3 guys stuck on a deserted island (translated joke from my native tongue)

3 guys got stranded on an island. A white guy a black guy and an asian guy. They started to search the island to see of there's any sign of civilization. Little did they know that there's a tribe filled with indigenous cannibals. They were captured right away. But before they eat them they always h...

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What's that game/quiz show on NPR on Saturdays? It's on the tip of my tongue...

Wait, wait, don't tell me...

The teacher presents a math problem to the class:

- There are 3 birds on a tree branch. A hunter shoots one of the birds with his gun. How many birds are left on the tree?

After many children raise their hand, the teacher chooses one of them to give the answer. The child replies:

- None. No birds remain on the tree, because the other ...

[NSFW] Two women are discussing about their husbands...

Woman 1- It's been such an awfull week, first I burned my hand on the stove and then I found out my husband is 100% impotent.

Woman 2- What do you mean by 100% ?

Woman 1- Well... His dong isn't working anymore.

Woman 2- Relax, my husband is 300% impotent, you're doing fine.
<...

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Love at first sight

A guy and woman were sitting in a bar, their eyes met from across the room and it was love at first sight. They stood up together and approached each other. After a few drinks the man said "I know this is crazy but lets get married". The woman responded with "It is crazy but i was thinking the exact...

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Two men and a camel in the desert

Two men were stranded in the desert. They had a camel with them to carry all their supplies, but by now they had been walking for days and were out of food and water.

They were so dehydrated that their tongues were swelling in their mouths and they could barely walk.

Lo and behold the...

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A princess wanted to get married...

Deep in the German forests, there was a huge castle. It housed the king, his beautiful daughter and some servants. One day, the princess decided that she wanted to get married to a man. When she confronted her father and told him about her decision, he got very displeased and denied her request. Aft...

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A guy is giving his lady friend oral pleasure.

He goes to town and feels something on his tongue. He pulls it out, it's a noodle. He thinks to himself that's weird and goes back in. A minute later, he pulls out a piece of carrot. He says to the woman, "are you sick or something?" She says, "no, but the last guy was."

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The world’s shortest tongue twister (which is kind of a joke right?) - the minimum 2 words long

Irish Wristwatch

Just pissed a lot of people off at work with this one

What’s the name of that guy I get my LSD from again?

I swear, it was on the tip on my tongue!

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What do you call an Irishman with a homoerotic tongue fetish?

Gaelic

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Once me and my boyfriend had a fight

Later that day I promised to give him a blowjob to settle the dust and get back to our normal lives.

What he didn’t know was that I was hiding wasabi under my tongue. Long story short, we haven’t fought since then.

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A couple get into a bad car crash...

... which ends them up in the hospital. The man comes to in the ER and starts calling out for his wife. The doctors come in and calm him down a bit. They explain to him that he's been in an accident and that his wife was in surgery. The surgeon came in and said "Look, we had some complications. Your...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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A man is at a restaurant, eating his meal...

...when he suddenly notices another man choking.
He jumps up, runs to the table, pulls the man's pants down, and runs his tongue between the man's buttocks.

The choking man, in surprise, coughs up the dislodged piece of food onto the floor.

A crowd has gathered around, and they c...

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I remember the good ol' days when we would spot a bear in the woods, strip down to our underwear, spank it on the butt and then make a run for it.

Those were the days. I really do miss when I didn't have to type with my tongue as well.

Why did Albert Einsten stick his tongue out in one of his iconic photos?

At the peak of his career he took matters lightly.

So if cats have papillae on their tongues to rip skin...

...Then does that mean my cat wants to eat me when he licks me?

I don't mind going to the dentist.

My tongue hates it, though. He always gets depressed.

:)

Instant divorce

[ Heard this joke in my mother tongue so don't know how impactful it is in English]
A man comes home drunk.
Man(to his wife): Woman you're fat, ugly and stupid.
Wife: You're a drunkard
Man: Well, I'll be ok by tomorrow morning. What about you?

So a doctor starts up a practice and decides to challenge himself, so he puts out a sign: "I'll cure any sickness for only $100. If I can't, I'll pay you $500!"

A lawyer sees the sign out front and decides this would be some easy fast cash so he goes in to see the doctor.

"Doctor I cant taste anything!"

Doctor says "nurse go grab vial 43!", she brings it and he puts two drops on the lawyer's tongue.

The lawyer quickly spits it out and s...

The world tongue twister champion was killed today in a tragic accident.

He was run over by a red lorry. Then a yellow lorry, then a red lorry, then a yellow lorry

You shouldn't joke about people without tongues.

They're pretty tasteless.

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

Posting my school jokes day#2

What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied

Baby snake

\- Mom, are we venomous?, said the baby snake

\- No, we aren't at all! Why?

\- Phew! Because I just bit my tongue!

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'Dad, what is a clitoris?'

'You should've asked me last night boy. It was on the tip of my tongue.'

I hate tongue, I won't eat something that was in an animal's mouth.

Now excuse me while I eat my eggs.

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The chief of a tribe has terrible gas pains that won’t go away

They’ve tried every remedy they know, and nothing is working. Finally, the fastest runner in the tribe agrees to travel outside the forest to a modern city and visit a pharmacy. He takes off running and gets there within an hour, walks up to a pharmacist, and says,

“Big chief. No fart.”
...

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It's really hard to have a serious conversation while you're eating ass

Since everything you say is tongue-in-cheek.

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This is a translated joke form my country (Ethiopia)

Two mental patients were walking when they spotted an odd thing on their path and they started arguing about what it was. Patient one said "It looks like honey" but patient two argued "No this is definitely poo" so they argued for quite sometime until they figured out a solution, one of them would t...

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Slip of the tongue

Two guy friends were out at dinner and the one friend says to the other, “guess what happened to me at the train station today?”
“What” says his friend
“I was at the train station buying a ticket for my wife to go to Pittsburg and the lady at the desk was wearing a very low cut top, so I acc...

Never catch snowflakes on your tongue

until all the birds have gone south for the winter!

What was Voldemort after he lost some of his tongue?

A partial tongue

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