I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger.

**Then it hit me.**

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The Pope had become very ill and was taken to many doctors, all of whom could not figure out how to cure him

Finally, he was brought to an old physician. After about an hour’s examination he came out and told the cardinalsthat he had some good news and some bad news.

The bad news was that the Pope had a rare disorder of the testicles. The good news was that all the Pope had to do to be cured was ha...

What's a sure-fire method to figure out precisely how many grams a chili pepper is?

Give it a weigh, give it a weigh, give it a weigh now

My parents have 4 TV remotes and I’m trying to figure out what they do.

I’m remote learning.

I couldn't figure out why a male sheep is called a Ram...

Then it hit me.

I couldn’t figure out why my laminate flooring wouldn’t go down...

And then it clicked.

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I was carbon-dating a dinosaur the other day, trying to figure out what era it was from

Upon closer inspection, I realised that it didn't have the 3 anuses I was expecting, so I ruled out the Triassic period

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To this day, biologists still cannot figure out the two greatest mysteries about spiders:

Where the fuck did it come from?

Where the fuck did it just go?

I’m seriously thinking about re-marrying my ex-wife, but I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out...

...I’m just after my money.

I couldn't figure out the answer to 180˚/ π on my math test.

So the girl next to me let me cheat off her.

It was rad.

On our first date, I couldn't figure out why my wife was acting like a fish.

Turns out she was just being Koi.

I couldn't figure out why I can't sleep all night...

And then it dawned on me.

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This guy wants to get laid and is trying to figure out how to impress the woman he's with.

They walk past a shoe store and the woman says, "Wow. If you get me those shoes, I'll give you a hand job." So the guy sees a brick on the sidewalk, smashes the window and gets the shoes." A few minutes later, they pass a fur store and she says, "If you get me that mink stole, I'll blow you." So the...

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, “Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can’t figure out how to get it started.”

He asks, “What is it supposed to be when it’s finished?”

The blonde says, “According to the picture on the box, it’s a tiger.”

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies ...

I spent the whole night trying to figure out where the sun would rise

And then it dawned on me

Doctors tried to figure out why blondes are stupid...

so they decided to see inside one of their heads. Upon removal of the scalp they found nothing but a piece of string. Confused about their discovery, they cut the string, and the ears fell off.

I really want to figure out who this Rorschach guy is!

And figure out why he paints so many pictures of my parents fighting.

Teenage boy can't figure out how his friend gets laid all the time -- but he doesn't

He asks his friend how he does it. The friend whispers, "I'll tell you, but keep it a secret." The teenage boy excitedly agrees.

"All you have to do is, before you go to the beach, put a big potato down in your bathing suit. The girls will swarm you in no time."

The teenage boy does as...

Did Judy Garland ever figure out how much a pie weighs?

Apparently, somewhere over the rainbow you can weigh a pie.

Interpol developed a test to figure out the best Law enforcement team in the world. Today's test involved the Scotland Yard, the FBI and Rio's Military Police.

The test consisted of releasing a bunny in the woods and giving it a 1 hour head start. The police department that found the bunny in the least amount of time would go on to the next phase.

First one to go was Scotland Yard. Using their best detectives, deductive skills and evidence analysis,...

Three engineers are trying to figure out what sort of engineer God is

The mechanical engineer says "God must be a mechanical engineer. Look at how perfectly our joints are assembled and how fluid our movements are!"

The electrical engineer says "Not at all, God must be an electrical engineer. The bio-electric processes in our brain exceed anything we can invent...

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A man with 3 girlfriends is trying to figure out which one of them to marry.

There was a man who had 3 girlfriends, but he did not know which one to marry. So he decided to give each 1 $5000 and see how each of them spent it.

The first 1 went out and got a total makeover with the money. She got new clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells the m...

My friends always told me I'd never figure out how to be invisible.

If only they could see me now.

Two farmers are in a field trying to figure out which sheep belongs to one another.

"Stop me if you herd this one."

My Grandpa died last week,because we couldn’t figure out what was his blood type.

But he was strong man,who never gave up and he kept telling us to be positive till the last moment.

A board game wherein players have to figure out who gave them an STD.

New from Johnson & Johnson: Clue-midia.

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Me and my girlfriend are still trying to figure out how to have sex with all of our weird fetishes.

It's coming along but we're still trying to work out the kinks.

My wife can't figure out why my pet anaconda won't eat Bratwurst a la cart

I told her that my anaconda don't want none unless you got buns, hun.

I'm trying to figure out how to be intimate with my new girlfriend who doesn't have any hands, but...

I'm stumped.

I couldn't figure out why everybody is talking about coronavirus...

Then I got it.

I was trying to figure out how lightning works

Then, it struck me

How did the dad figure out the most popular country in the world?

He took a flag pole.

I spent a lot of time trying to figure out what happens after you take out a loan

Looks like it's paying off

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An old man is trying to figure out how to choose which one of his three sons should inherit his farm

So one morning he decides to give them each a duck and tells them whoever sells it for the most money gets the farm, and all 3 of them set out to sell their ducks.

The oldest son comes back an hour later and says "i got 10 dollars for my duck dad" to which the father replies "not bad."
...

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Joe's wife was sick. Very sick. None of the doctors could figure out what was wrong with her.

He was about to go into her room and visit her when her doctor approached him.

The doctor said, "These might be her last few days, so you should do whatever she asks of you, so that she may die happy."

Well... Joe thought this over and decided that that was a great idea. He went in and...

I was trying to figure out what to do with the dying clown on the floor.

Then, IT hit me.

Here’s a really easy way to figure out if you’re taking too many meds:

You refer to your medication as ‘meds’

Steve and the other passengers had to solve a number of clues in order to figure out where the ship they boarded was headed that day. Which cruise were they on?

Blue's Cruise

A Navy man, a Army man and an Airforce man try to figure out who is the best soldier ...

Army man starts: "I once jumped out of an aircraft 30 feet above ground and ran 5 miles to our camp."

Navy man: "That's nothing. I once jumped out of an aircraft 60 feet above the ocean and swam 10 miles to our camp."

Airforce man: "I once flew an aircaft to our camp, landed it safely ...

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A Jew, an Irishman, and a black man are in a maternity ward waiting room. The nurse walks in and explains that there's been a terrible mix up with the babies, and that the fathers are going to have to figure out amongst themselves which baby belongs to whom.

The Irishman springs up out of his chair and volunteers to go first. A few
minutes later the Irishman returns holding a newborn black-skinned baby in his
arms.

The black man shouts in anger "Now, I KNOW that baby is MINE!"

To which the Irishman replies, "One of those babies is Je...

The wisest men in the village could not figure out where the sun went at night.

So they stayed up all night discussing it.
And then it dawned on them.
 
 
 
(I'll see myself out.)

Doctor: "I can't figure out what the problem is. It may be due to alcohol."

Patient: "That's alright. I'll come back when you're sober."

I couldn’t figure out why the dishwasher wasn’t working yesterday, so I went up to my wife who was laying in bed sick and asked her. “Honey why isn’t the dishwasher working?”

And then suddenly it hit me.

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I was trying to figure out how to pronounce Peter Buttigieg’s name.

Then I was told it rhymes with “Heater.”

If a man goes into a forest and cuts down a tree and the tree cant figure out why he was cut down

Do you think the tree is stumped?

Shortly after Mozart's death, all his music started disappearing but people couldn't figure out why.

Turns out he was just de-composing in his grave.

How do you figure out that your girlfriend is getting too fat?

She starts fitting into your wife's clothes.

How did Darth Vader figure out what Luke was getting for Christmas?

He felt his presents.

Adam knew he studied hard for his test, but couldn’t figure out where he went wrong.

He had spent almost 2 weeks preparing for this test. If he didn’t get 100%, he would fail chemistry and have to take summer school.

Knowing this, he panicked and furiously scanned the test to find out where he went wrong. Finally he saw the final question marked with an X. “Draw an atom”.
...

I’ve been performing a scientific study on toddlers. When they trip and smash their heads they sometimes cry; but other times they jump right back up laughing. I can’t figure out a pattern that explains the difference in behaviour. Maybe my sample size is too small for accurate results.

I’ll trip another 100 and report back

I had amnesia and can't figure out what a vacuum cleaner is supposed to do

It sucks

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Surely a robot can figure out how to tick a box on a website saying "I am not a robot""

I watched Terminator 2 and one of the fuckers flew a helicopter.

My wife and I couldn't figure out the British term for a traffic circle.

We got the finally found the roundabout answer from researching about it in the library.

I was cooking last night and made a joke about being able to figure out the fractions in my head without cutting one of my fingers off. No one laughed.

Guess I wasn’t appealing to the lowest common denominator.

An old Egyptian mathematician was trying to figure out how long a day was

But after 24 hours he called it a day

For five years I simply couldn't figure out how to use a seatbelt.

then it clicked.

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I'm trying to figure out why masturbation jokes get so many up votes?

Can anyone give me a hand?

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I was driving with my wife trying to figure out what to have for lunch

I asked her, "what do you want"?

She said "five guys".

I slapped the shit out of her.

I spent ages trying to figure out why my duvet was so lumpy last night.

Baffling.

Selling all of my old tennis equipment but I can't figure out

What's the net worth?

How would you figure out whether someone is an AI robot or a human in Reddit?

Nice try bot.

I spent way too much time, perched uncomfortably, trying to figure out exactly where my property ends and my neighbors property begins.

I'm *still* on the fence

My grandfather died last night. They couldn't figure out his blood type in time to give him a transfusion. He was such an inspirational guy to the very end though, I'll never forget his last words to me.

"Be positive"

I never could figure out what people did for entertainment before the Internet...

None of my 17 siblings can figure it out either.

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Two aliens are trying to figure out how to infiltrate earth to blend in...

They spend a lot of time watching how people go about their lives and decide the first thing they need to do to exist and blend is get money to thrive. They land their spaceship in a cornfield and walk to the closest place they can find, a gas station. They walk up to the gas pump and demand it give...

I couldn’t figure out why the season of The Apprentice I was watching was going on for so long. Each week someone gets fired, but we never seem to get down to the final winner!

Then I realized, I was just watching the news.

I was trying to figure out how to fix my mouse...

Then it clicked

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