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A Mormon and Irishman are on a plane

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London to the US.

After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken. The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink. He...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

The queen offered me her hand which I raised to my lips and kissed tenderly.

"Put me down!" Tyrion screamed.

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Why do women have 4 lips?

2 to talk shit and 2 to make up for it!

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

What does a cow with no lips say?

Ooooo

Her: My lips are so dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?

Her: WHAT?

Him: What?

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Eyes wide with fear, lips trembling, I pleaded, “Doctor! I accidentally ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die!?”

Reflectively, the doctor replied, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

I shot back hysterically, "Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?!"

Why women talk more and men think more?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

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Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss & moan at the same time.

Mary One-lip searched her whole life for her one-lipped prince, until she found a handsome florist. But she could not marry him...

... For he had tulips.

Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

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My wife keeps trying to be sexy by biting her lip

I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s the bottom one

It usually works when flirting, Bite your lip.

P.S. Your lower lip.

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”


“Do I need to repeat myself?

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

You know, they say loose lips sink ships...

That explains why your mom was kicked out of the Navy after visiting her OB/GYN.

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Hell, I did't want to know how hot dogs were made. But I went to the factory anyway. Turns out, hot dogs are just stuffed with lips and assholes.

Now I eat turkey dogs... because lips are disgusting.

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What did the right pussy lip say to the left pussy lip?

We used to be tight until you let the dick come between us.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

I asked a friend why she did a lip augmentation again.

She said *bo look bepper*.

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[nsfw] Meeting after a long time, what did one pussy lip say to it's friend the other lip?

Man, we used to be tight before the dickhead got involved.

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.

​

He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have ...

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

A boy loses an eye

A boy who loses his eye from an accident goes to the doctor gets a wooden replacement. Of course, he is extremely self-conscious about his new wooden eye and doesn't make an effort to ask out any of the girls in school.

One day a new girl walks in and he notices she has a harelip. He figures ...

How can you tell if Trump is lying? His lips move. How can you tell if Clinton is lying?

[deleted]

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

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Did you know what when you say "poop", your lips move in the same direction your asshole does when you shit?

Well, same can be said with explosive diarrhea.

I once asked a Scottish man...

“What’s under a kilt?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “On a good day,”

He said, “lipstick.”

What’s better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

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A sultry, over the shoulder stare, followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world...

According to my doctor, not during a rectal exam though...

Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by he...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. Since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She loo...

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Me: *licks lips in anticipation*

I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.

Instructor: Please stop licking my lips.

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Chapped Lips

Man is sitting in a bar out West with his buddy when he starts realizing that his lips are extremely chapped.

"Hey, man, you got any chapstick?" asks the man to his buddy

"Nope, sure don't, why don't you ask the bartender" says his buddy

The man asks the bartender but sadly the...

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic.

But the cop didn't think so.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

A stiff, and swollen upper lip

A british man staggers into a hospital in atlanta, badly beaten and bruised. 'Can someone help me?' he moans, before collapsing in a dead faint. When he comes to,several hours later a doctor and police officer are at his bedside, looking at him anxiously.

'Who did this to you sir?' asks the o...

A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...

Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".

The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".

"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.

Was on Twitter earlier telling everyone about how I had this tiny spot on my top lip that turned into a massive cold sore…

It's gone viral…

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

What do you call the hair on a cows lip?

A Moo-stache.


> The perks of having too much free time in a call center.

What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

A beautiful girl who was staying in the hotel, puts her finger on hotel manager's lips

Manager smiles, kisses each finger one by one..

Girl: U liked it ?

Manager: Oh yeah !!

Girl: Now go and tell your boss that there is no tissue in the toilet !!

What do you call a deaf Gynaecologist?

*A lip reader.*

What do Trump and lip stick have in common?

Both make Hillary Clinton more attractive.

What do you call a deaf person who can't lip read?

Anything you want!

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off.

They called it neigh-balm.

My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday..

we call him Phil now

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Does your wife have dry lips?

Because I saw her putting some chap's dick on her lips

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

Why is the Joker's makeup like a whitewashed tomb, his lips like torn paper, his eyes like burning suns?

Because when he was young, the Joker's father said
"Let's put a simile on that face!"

What do you call it when an Irish band is caught lip syncing?

Sham rock.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

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A large group of first year medical school students filed into a lab...

...during their first week, for the first meeting of their gross anatomy class where they would be examining human cadavers. The professor walked to the front of the room, and addressed the students:

"The most important quality you will need as a physician is unfazability. Nothing can '...

A guy with a cleft lip walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender,
''eckpshkoosh me spshir, may I have a drink?''
To which the barkeep replies in a similar manner,
''Why spshertainly, what would you like?''
A little off put, our friend orders a beer and sits at the end of the bar as another customer walks in, and with perfect arti...

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...