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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

The other day my wife asked me to pass her the lipstick but I passed her glue by mistake

She still isn’t talking to me

What does a cow with no lips say?

Ooooo

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

"Dad, why did you put lipstick on your head?"

"Because your mother told me to makeup my mind"

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My wife keeps trying to be sexy by biting her lip

I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s the bottom one

I asked this lady if I could touch her hair

She said yes, so I ran my finger across her lip and that's how the fight started.

Her: My lips are so dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?

Her: WHAT?

Him: What?

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

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Eyes wide with fear, lips trembling, I pleaded, “Doctor! I accidentally ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die!?”

Reflectively, the doctor replied, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

I shot back hysterically, "Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?!"

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Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss & moan at the same time.

Mary One-lip searched her whole life for her one-lipped prince, until she found a handsome florist. But she could not marry him...

... For he had tulips.

Did you hear about McDonald's new burger made entirely of beef lips?

It's called the McJagger.

It usually works when flirting, Bite your lip.

P.S. Your lower lip.

Why women talk more and men think more?

Because women have four lips and men have two heads!

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[nsfw] what did one pussy lip say to the other?

We used to be tight until we let some dick come between us

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”


“Do I need to repeat myself?

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

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Hell, I did't want to know how hot dogs were made. But I went to the factory anyway. Turns out, hot dogs are just stuffed with lips and assholes.

Now I eat turkey dogs... because lips are disgusting.

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

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[nsfw] Meeting after a long time, what did one pussy lip say to it's friend the other lip?

Man, we used to be tight before the dickhead got involved.

My dad said there's a throbbing pain coming from the facial hair above his upper lip.

It mustache.

A boy loses an eye

A boy who loses his eye from an accident goes to the doctor gets a wooden replacement. Of course, he is extremely self-conscious about his new wooden eye and doesn't make an effort to ask out any of the girls in school.

One day a new girl walks in and he notices she has a harelip. He figures ...

Why don't women wear skirts in the winter?

Chapped lips

I asked a friend why she did a lip augmentation again.

She said *bo look bepper*.

A man and a woman rotate to the same table in a game of speed dating.

"Hi!" says the woman cheerfully, "Just so you know, I'm deaf, but I can read lips. Just talk as you normally do and I'll let you know if I didn't catch something. So, what do you do for a living?"

"I'm a ventriloquist," says the man.

"What?" says the woman.

How can you tell if Trump is lying? His lips move. How can you tell if Clinton is lying?

[deleted]

I once asked a Scottish man...

“What’s under a kilt?”

He didn’t miss a beat. “On a good day,”

He said, “lipstick.”

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Did you know what when you say "poop", your lips move in the same direction your asshole does when you shit?

Well, same can be said with explosive diarrhea.

What’s better than roses on a piano?

Tulips on an organ

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A sultry, over the shoulder stare, followed by a slow, seductive lick of the lips is one of the sexiest things in the world...

According to my doctor, not during a rectal exam though...

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic.

But the cop didn't think so.

Hare-lip joke my mother told me a long time ago.

A woman with a cleft lip was sitting by herself at a dance club. She absolutey loved to dance, but was also extremely self-conscious about her appearance. After an hour or so of no one even smiling at her, she was about to leave. A gentleman at the bar noticed the woman and was instantly taken by he...

A stiff, and swollen upper lip

A british man staggers into a hospital in atlanta, badly beaten and bruised. 'Can someone help me?' he moans, before collapsing in a dead faint. When he comes to,several hours later a doctor and police officer are at his bedside, looking at him anxiously.

'Who did this to you sir?' asks the o...

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Me: *licks lips in anticipation*

I'm nervous, I've never bungee jumped before.

Instructor: Please stop licking my lips.

A boy with a wooden eye asked a girl with a hairy lip to the prom...

Seeing how nobody else would likely go with them, the boy with the wooden eye asks the girl with the hairy lip, "Would you like to go to Prom with me?".

The girl with the hairy lip, surprised and excited says, "Would I!?".

"HAIRY LIP", replied the boy.

What do you call the hair on a cows lip?

A Moo-stache.


> The perks of having too much free time in a call center.

Was on Twitter earlier telling everyone about how I had this tiny spot on my top lip that turned into a massive cold sore…

It's gone viral…

Where are you only allowed to swim if you have red hair, a lip piercing, three brothers, a missing finger, are slightly overweight and have a birthday in december?

The specific ocean.

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When you say the word 'poo', your lips make the same movement as you butt hole does when it performs that action

The same with 'diarrhea'.

What's the only acceptable thing for a Scotsman to wear under his kilt?

Lipstick

I went to see a topless ventriloquist last night.

She was amazing, I never saw her lips moving once.

A beautiful girl who was staying in the hotel, puts her finger on hotel manager's lips

Manager smiles, kisses each finger one by one..

Girl: U liked it ?

Manager: Oh yeah !!

Girl: Now go and tell your boss that there is no tissue in the toilet !!

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, runni...

What do Trump and lip stick have in common?

Both make Hillary Clinton more attractive.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader

What do you call a deaf person who can't lip read?

Anything you want!

A company testing on animals just got sued for testing a chapstick on horses that made their lips burn off.

They called it neigh-balm.

So a woman goes to the doctor with a busted lip and a black eye...

...and the doctor says, "Oh my, what happened?"
To which the woman replies, "Well my husband always goes to the bar after work, he then proceeds to come home and beat me. I've tried everything to get him to stop but nothing works." The doc listens to her story and after a few minutes, he respond...

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Does your wife have dry lips?

Because I saw her putting some chap's dick on her lips

My friend Phillip got his lip removed yesterday..

we call him Phil now

Why do deaf guys love chicks in yoga pants?

Cos they can read their lips.

What do you call it when an Irish band is caught lip syncing?

Sham rock.

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A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar..

A black piece of tarmac walks into a bar, he's exhausted after a hard day's graft on the road.

The black piece of tarmac is huge in stature, built like a brick shithouse.. only tarmac.

It's a new bar and as he throws the door open the room falls silent and the ten foot tall monolith ca...

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

A guy with a cleft lip walks into a bar.

He asks the bartender,
''eckpshkoosh me spshir, may I have a drink?''
To which the barkeep replies in a similar manner,
''Why spshertainly, what would you like?''
A little off put, our friend orders a beer and sits at the end of the bar as another customer walks in, and with perfect arti...

Altar boy goes to confession

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm su...

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Mrs. Parker and Baroness Von Hildebrand

There's this woman, let's call her Mrs. Parker. She is on a flight from Frankfurt to London. She's tired, she's had a long day. She gets on the plane, goes to her seat in economy class, window seat. She makes herself comfortable and tries to get some sleep.

Another woman comes and sits next ...

Just found out my OBGYN is deaf

Guess that makes him a lip reader