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Two lip-reading deaf guys walk into a pub.

One turns to the other and says (in a mongy deaf voice), "You go find a seat...I'll get the drinks in".
He walks up to the bar and says, "Bartender, could I please have two pints of lager?"
"Certainly," replies the barman, "That'll be £10."
"Ten pounds?" gasps the deaf guy, "That's a...

Women really know how to hold a grudge over the smallest things. My wife asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

It's been a month now and she's still not speaking to me

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The Desert, a Camel, and Chapped Lips

A man is trekking across the Arabian desert with a guide and his camel.



After some time walking through the blistering heat and blowing sand, the man began to notice his lips were getting chapped. Not to be deterred, the man pushed forward, wetting his own lips with his tongue. As t...

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A woman wants her vaginal lips reduced in size

A woman tells her plastic surgeon that she wants her vaginal lips reduced in size because they were flapping in the breeze. Out of embarrassment she insisted that the surgery be kept a secret and the surgeon agreed.

Awakening from the anesthesia after the surgery she found three roses careful...

What do you call someone who only chaps their bottom lip?

A uni-balmer.

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors. There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. ...

How do we know the grim reaper has a lip

when people die, he doesn't death-criminate

What does a goat without lips say?

"eh, eh, eh"

How did the hipster burn his lips?

He drank his coffee before it was cool.

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Prosthetic breasts were changed to plastic material after numerous reports of lip splinters occurring during foreplay.

That would suck wooden tit?

McDonalds recently canceled their plans for the sandwich made entirely from beef lips.

It was gonna be called the McJagger.

What do you call a deaf gynecologist?

A lip reader.

Peter is invited to dinner with his girlfriend's family.

Before dinner, Peter goes into a Pharmacy says to the pharmacist "Hello, could you give me a Condom? I'm going to my girlfriend's place for dinner and I think I may have a shot". The Pharmacist gives him the condom.

As he was exiting, he stepped back in to the Pharmacy and said ”Give me anot...

A couple had been happily married for years.

The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he awoke. The noise would wake his wife and the smell would make her eyes water and make her gasp for air.

Every morning she would plead with him to stop ripping them off because it was making her...

The queen offered me her hand which I raised to my lips and kissed tenderly.

"Put me down!" Tyrion screamed.

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A horse wants to start a band

A horse wants to start a band. However, he can’t sing; So he goes to a vet.



He asks the vet, “Can you give me vocal cords so I can sing?” The vet agrees and gives the horse vocal cords.

A chicken sees this and wants to join the band, so he asks the vet, “can you give me lips so...

In surgery for a heart attack, a middle-aged woman has a vision of God by her bedside.

“Will I die?” she asks.

God says, “No. You have 30 more years to live.”

With 30 years to look forward to, she decides to make the best of it. So since she’s in the hospital, she gets breast implants, liposuction, a tummy tuck, hair transplants, and collagen injections in her lips. She ...

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Favorite Joke by Dad Verbatim

A joke my dad told 30 years ago:

A handicapped guy with a hair lip goes looking for a job. He comes across a toothbrush company and applies for a job. The manager looks at him and says "we sell toothbrushes here, do you think you can do that?"

"Yeth thir, I'll dooo my best." Guy goes...

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A guy gets married and has no clue what to do in bed

So asks a friend for advice and he says:
Do what ever she does and you will figure it out naturally .


At night his wife comes to bed and starts undressing,
and based on friend advice he does the same.

Then she starts touching her breasts and biting her lips and he mimics he...

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My wife keeps trying to be sexy by biting her lip

I don’t have the heart to tell her it’s the bottom one

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Timmy and Sally were at a school dance.......

At the dance Timmy and Sally sat on opposites sides of the hall. Timmy with the boys and Sally with the girls.

They were both born with genetic disorders.

* Timmy was born without a left eye but he wore a wooden prosthetic in its place.
* Sally was born with a cleft palate, the corr...

There once was a man from Alabama . . .

He was a nice fellow. An unsophisticated hillbilly type but amicable to be around nonetheless. He was known as Catfish Jeb around the bayou because of that one time a catfish bit him in the . . .

Well, where the catfish bit him isn't important, now is it?

One day, very tragically, Catf...

Asked my wife if I could run my finger through her hair

She nodded and said she would like that.

I started brushing across her top lip,

And that's when the fight started....

Johnny was a bright, charming boy

and he was even fairly good-looking. The only problem was that he had lost his eye in a fishing accident when he was younger. They were too poor to afford a glass eye, so his father made him a wooden one.

He was made fun of all through school for his eye and it completely destroyed his self e...

There was once an old trapper drinking in a tavern.

He didn't have much money, so he loudly made a bet to every one in the room,"Blind fold me and bring me any pelt! I'll tell you what animal it was and how you killed it! If I'm right, you buy me a drink. If I'm wrong, drinks on me!"

The first taker stepped up to the bar. "Alright, old man. ...

A young lady, upon meeting a Scotsman on the street one day asked...

"sir, is it true what they say about what's under a Scotsman's kilt?"

"Lassie, just reach right up and see for yourself!" He replied.

The young woman reached up the Scotsman's kilt and felt nothing but what God has given the Scotsman, as a grin crossed his lips.

"SIR, that's gru...

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Premature ejaculator:

Seeks young attractive woman for a fling,

Must have large tits, big lips and a tight arse,

and....aaaaaw, fuck sake, never mind!!!!!!

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Pierre, the fighter pilot.

Pierre, a brave French fighter pilot, takes his girlfriend, Marie, out for a pleasant little picnic by the River Seine. It's a beautiful day and love is in the air.
Marie leans over to Pierre and says, "Pierre, kiss me!"
Pierre grabs a bottle of Merlot and splashes it on Marie's lips. "What ar...

Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"

"Yes, Father, it is."

"And who was the girl you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was ...

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Eyes wide with fear, lips trembling, I pleaded, “Doctor! I accidentally ate one of those ‘Do not Eat’ silica packets. Am I going to die!?”

Reflectively, the doctor replied, "Well, everyone is going to die eventually."

I shot back hysterically, "Everyone?? Holy shit, what have I done?!"

A boy asks a girl to prom

So there's this boy in highschool, around 16 years old and he very nervously and timidly asks this beautiful girl out to prom. Out of his league and the most beautiful I'm the school. He's shocked and quite startled when he hears "id love to go!" Leave her lips.
Short on time with days till or, h...

A coffee addict goes to rehab to get clean

During group reflection they said

Group: "Steve tell us a little about your struggles"

Steve: "Well it started off as a kid, my grandpa would let me sip on a coffee with lots of cream and sugar. I knew from the moment it hit my lips, coffee was what i wanted to do with my life. By the...

Her: My lips are so dry.

Him: Doesn’t that hurt when you walk?

Her: WHAT?

Him: What?

A woman steps in front of a bus and dies instantly.

She finds herself at the pearly gates, being greeted by God himself.



He looks the woman up and down, and says "Hm... Strange. It's not your time! I'm sending you back."

"Sending me back? How long until it IS my time?" she asks.

"Worry not, my child. You have many, many m...

When I see a girl, I first look at her hair. Then at her eyes, lips, neck...

Damn dial-up!

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Why did god give woman 2 sets of lips?

So they can piss & moan at the same time.

Why do deaf guys like women in yoga pants?

They can read lips

I walked in last night to find a paramedic crouching over my wife. “Get your lips off my wife,”

I snapped pulling him off her. “But sir, I’m not kissing her!” He pleaded. “She’s stopped breathing.”


“Do I need to repeat myself?

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The other day a girl asked me if I like breasts or thighs. I told her I prefer bubble butts and a trimmed pussy with thin lips...

So I got kicked out of KFC.

At the touch of her lips, it grew long and swollen. I gasped as she squeezed and pulled expertly.

It was the best balloon giraffe I'd ever seen.

How do you know if a politician is lying?

His lips are moving.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

A beautiful woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub.

She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.

The woman seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.

“Are you the manager?” ...

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

I burped a few times and the driver looked at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £40 if you throw up on my seats."

I burped again.

Thankfully I was able to hold it down until we stopped outside my house. Another enormous burp escaped my lips.

The driver assessed me once mo...

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A man walked outside to get his newspaper only to find his neighbor hopping off his horse, walking behind him, picking up his tail,and kissing him right where the sun don't shine...

He couldn't believe what he had just witnessed so he decided to walk over and see if his suspicions were correct."Good morning Bill."He says.

"Howdy Frank,what brings you by?"

"Well,I'm not sure I had witnessed what I had just witnessed."

"And what might that be?"

"Well,i...

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Wrong number.

A lady called a music store about a recording, but dialed wrong and connected with a mechanic instead. She asked, "Do you have 2 lips and 7 kisses?"
He said, "No..But I have 2 balls and 7 inches."
She responded, "Is that a record?"
He said, "No But it's a damn good average"

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A traveller enters a mysterious looking hotel and is greeted by a rather attractive girl sitting behind the check in desk.

She smiles at him, exposing slightly crooked teeth and endearing dimples. "You can have me, right here, right now." She gestures to a door he hadn't noticed before and continues, "Or, you can carry on to success."

The traveller is a little nonplussed, a little flattered about being propositio...

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying.

The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas, she opened and poured a generous amount into t...

It usually works when flirting, Bite your lip.

P.S. Your lower lip.

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What did the right pussy lip say to the left pussy lip?

We used to be tight until you let the dick come between us.

Coulda been worse.

A father walks past his son's room and to his astonishment he sees that the bed is neatly made and the room is all tidied up.

Then he saw an envelope on the pillow.

It's addressed to "Dad".

He picked it up, tore it open and read the note:

"Dear Dad, it is with great regre...

A drunk walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender says, "You're already drunk. I'm not serving you anything."

"P-p-please. I'm... I need a drink real bad."

The bartender decides to have a little fun with him. "See that spittoon in the corner? I'll give you a drink if you take a sip out of that."

The drunk ponders ...

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A man sits down in a confessional and closes the door.

"What would you like to confess my son?" Says the priest.

"I had an extramarital affair. Twice yesterday with a younger woman. I'm 47 and she Is only 18 but I just couldnt resist. She is the most beautiful woman I've ever seen! Blonde hair, blue eyes, perfect perky breasts and her lips taste...

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A woman rings the surgery to ask about a pregnancy test

The receptionist makes an appointment and says "Be sure to bring in a urine sample". The woman says "okay" and hangs up, then turns to her husband and says "What's a urine sample?". He looks puzzled and says "I don't know, it's not like I've ever been for a pregnancy test. But Betty next door has, w...

A man and a lady were in an elevator...

The man asked the lady Where you headed today? The lady replied I’m going to give blood.

The man asked her, Do they pay you for that? She said, Yeah 20 bucks. He said Oh.

The lady asked What about you, where are you headed? He replied I’m going to the sperm bank. She asked Do they pa...

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I refuse to participate in my girlfriend’s western fantasy, where she dresses up as a cowgirl.

I’m just not a fan of chapped lips.

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When you say the word "poop" your lips make the same action your butthole makes when you take a crap.

The same happens when you say "explosive diarrhoea"

You might be a redneck if your girlfriend can pack a lip and go down on you at the same time...

...and still know what to spit and what to swallow.

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According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington recently was faced with a unique problem...

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the ne...

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A young man is looking in the classifieds for a motorcycle.....

He finally finds one he has been looking for and eventually meets up with the owner. An old man in overalls greets him and says, "Here she is". The young lad cant believe it, its the bike he has always wanted and its in pristine condition. They have some small talk about bikes and riding stories. Th...

What's better than roses on your piano ?

Two lips on your organ.

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"Grandpa, tell the story again when you broke a duck's neck with your erection at your brother's wedding!"

Well, children, the year was 1922. I had nothing more than a flatcap, a shovel, and my favorite pint glass to my name. It was around the time where cars were a brand new luxury and a lass would let you put a thumb in her bum just to honk the horn. Well as luck would have it, I was out peat poaching ...

Three men are lost in the desert with no supplies, when the devil appears before them.

The devil looks at their skin and bones, their cracked lips, and says, “I see you’re in a bit of a rough spot. I can help you - let’s play a little game. You each get one chance to name a task I can’t do. If you succeed, I’ll save you.”

The first man immediately replies, “I bet you can’t buil...

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[nsfw] Meeting after a long time, what did one pussy lip say to it's friend the other lip?

Man, we used to be tight before the dickhead got involved.

(From my 8 y/o) What goes “Oooooooooooooooo”

A cow with no lips!



Edit: Silver! Thanks, my son will be stoked! After I explain to him what that even is 🤣

And Gold! You guys rock, he’ll love it!

Platinum!?! Wow 👌🏼💪🏼

A woman meets Syd the Stud in a bar.

They talk. They connect. They end up leaving together.

They get back to his place, and as he shows her around his apartment she notices that one wall of his bedroom is completely filled with soft,sweet, cuddly teddy bears. There are three shelves in the bedroom, with hundreds and hund...

I asked a friend why she did a lip augmentation again.

She said *bo look bepper*.

The worst part about kissing a perfect ten...

... is the cold feeling your lips get from touching the mirror.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar.

A Texan buys a round of drinks for all in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Texas baby boy weighing 25 pounds.


Congratulations showered him from all around, and many exclamations of "WOW"! were heard. A woman faints due to sympathy pains.


T...

A famous French fighter pilot ace in WW1 is on a picnic at his estate with a beautiful woman after the war...

After eating and laying on the charm, he asks to kiss her. Being quite smitten by his good looks, she happily accepts. He drips a rich merlot on her lips and proceeds to kiss her. After a few moments, she works up the nerve to ask “your lips are amazing, but what’s with the wine?”

He repli...

Mary Poppins Decided To Grow Some Vegetables

Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat.

She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful.

After ...

A terrorist tried to blow up a bus..

He failed, he burnt his lips on the exhaust pipe.

A man with a wooden eye

Had not had a date in years, since before he lost his eye. One day he meets a woman who had a terrible hair lip. After they had talked for a while he decides to ask her out. She was so excited that he had asked her out she exclaimed
Would I, would I! Before she could finish her answer he shot ba...

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A Cowboy rides up to a Saloon in the old west. An old man is sitting out front, whittling a stick...

...The Cowboy rides up, jumps down and ties up his horse. Then he walks around to the back of it, lifts up it's tail and kisses it right on the butthole.

The old man sees this and is shocked. When the cowboy approaches the front door, the old man says, "Damn son, that sure was a peculiar thin...

I was watching this topless female ventriloquist

She was brilliant, I never saw her lips move.

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Did you know what when you say "poop", your lips move in the same direction your asshole does when you shit?

Well, same can be said with explosive diarrhea.

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#372: A man sees a beautiful woman trying to hitch a lift.

He pulls over, and asks her where she was heading.

She didn't respond vocally, but signalled that she was hard of hearing and to go straight.

Following the road, the guy then comes to a stop at T-junction, which had a lake behind it. Since he didn't know any sign language, he mouthed t...

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So, there's these two tomatoes who are best friends ...

Ever since they grew up on the vine together, they've been inseparable. They played little league together, they had home room together all through high school, they even double dated to prom and shared a limo. As time went on, though, they slowly lost touch. During university they slowly lost touch...

How many lips does a flower have?

Tulips.

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Jacques Pierre- The French Fighter Pilot

One lovely afternoon, Jacques Pierre, the French fighter pilot was having a picnic with his new lady friend under a tree. She was very intrigued by him, as she had never been with a fighter pilot before. Soon enough, her emotions got the best of her, and she exclaimed "Kiss me, Jacques!" So he grabs...

No one is afraid of llama kisses

So why is everyone so worried about the alpaca lips?

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A young woman that is a quadrapalegic is sitting in her powered chair on the beach. (longish)

A man that looks like a biker is walking by.

She calls to him: "Sir, Sir, could I talk to you please?"

The man looks, shrugs and walks over: "Sure, what's up?"

Girl: "I've always been so alone. Could you hold my hand, just for a moment? Please?"

Biker: "Well, that's simpl...

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One of the best jokes in the world?

A man has been stranded on a deserted island for 5 years. He is all by himself. His only source of pleasure is masturbation...but after 5 years, he has thought of every single fantasy 100s of times, and is therefore no longer able to get a hard on.

Depressed beyond belief, he sits alone an...

What happens when you give a Dutchman a pack of gum?

Two-lip bubble

Putting your finger on someone's lips and saying "Shhhh... Not another word." is super-romantic.

But the cop didn't think so.

A Priest, a thief, a Jewish schoolboy and Irishman die in a car crash...

They stand before Saint Peter at the gates of heaven. Saint Peter looks at them and appears confused.
"My children" he says "There has been a mistake, you were not supposed to die today. I will allow you one more chance at life as long as you promise to love out the rest of your existence free o...

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