UPJOKE
baseballballbaseball gamehitwingbirdthrashchiropteranbloodbatmanbaseball batmicrobatfruit batvampire batinning

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What do you get if you jizz in a bat?

A ba*semen*t

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

What does a Capitalist Bat study in College?

Echonomics

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What’s the worst part about having a bat in your basement?

If you take the bat out of basement all that’s left is semen

A bat in China didn't start covid. It came from a sick bird stuck in the landing gear of an international flight...

...an ill-eagle immigrant.

Robin turned and shouted, "The Batmobile won’t start!" Batman growled, "Check the battery!" Puzzled, Robin wondered...

"What’s a tery?"

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.

In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,

'Befor...

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Bat penis

This isn't as good as a text joke since you have to be talking on the phone with your victim.

What has a little dick and hangs down?
What?
A sleeping bat!
Um, okay..
What has a big dick and hangs up?
What?
*you then hang the phone up on them*

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Two boys were arguing about who was going to bat first.

Both of them keep fussing for straight five minutes when one of them suggests the one who can resist the most pain in the balls will bat. The other kid nods and they begin. The first kid takes a step back and kicks as hard as he can at the other kid's balls. The kid naturally puts his hand at his ba...

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A vampire bat flies back to the roost with his face and mouth covered in blood.

All the other bats got excited and asked where he got it. "Follow me" he says. They flew over hills, a river and a dark forest.

See that tree over there? "Yes, yes" the others excitedly answered.

"Well I fucking didn't!!!".

Why were the bats hanging outside the Gates of Hell?

To Meatloaf.

R.I.P.

What do you call the bat that carries Coronavirus

Nosferachoo

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

The Bat Bet

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his m...

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says

."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off."...

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.



She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enter...

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all...

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says...

How many bats does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Can’t tell; as soon as the light comes on, they scatter.

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

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I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed.

Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.

Two bats are going for their midnight feed

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the se...

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

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I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you.”

“Okay shoot"

“What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

“I dunno"

“A bat. Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

“I dunno"

*CLICK*

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat

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Dark in here

Little Mikey was supposed to be taking a nap, but instead, he was hiding in his mother's closet when he heard her enter the bedroom with a strange man…
He listened as they hurriedly took off their clothes, jumped into bed, and started fucking like two jackrabbits…
Then, Mikey heard a car door ...

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

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A guy was on the phone with his buddy (NSFW)

Guy- Hey, you know what has a tiny penis and hangs down?

Buddy- Idk, what?

Guy- A bat. You know what has a giant penis and hangs up?

Buddy- Idk, what?

::click::

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

China should never take part in the Cricket World Cup

They can screw over any country with just a bat

Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

A bat race was called!

Three bats had to get as much blood as they could in a certain amount of time.

After the time is up, the judge goes to the first bat and see some blood on his legs. He asks him where did he get it from?

The first bat told him, "you see that tree over there? Behind it there's a mall and...

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

A duck walks into a bar

The barman says "Good morning, whats your name?"
The Duck responds "Good morning, My name is Dewie"
The barman asks, "How has your day been?" As he pours the duck a drink
The duck responds "Great, ive been in and out of puddles all day, what more could a duck want?"
The barman replies "Q...

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My girlfriend is addicted to eating guano.

She’s bat shit crazy.

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Little Johnny was sitting in class when his teacher starts asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet.

asking the class words for each letter of the alphabet. She starts with A and little Johnny hand shoots up. The teacher thinks he is going to say ass I can't call on him. She calls on another student and she says.

"Apple. I gave my teacher an apple."

Teacher responds good job and moves...

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

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How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

Hospitals are full of hypocrites

I doctor patients for weeks and no one bats an eye, but doctoring one little PhD is apparently crossing a line.

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

Justin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Justin to pull over.

When Justin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Justin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE!"

He then went to Justin's car and cut up its leather seats.

When he turned aroun...

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Irish Whiskey

A man walked into a pub, took a seat, and when the barmaid asked him what he wanted he replied, "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat between your luscious breasts".
"You bloody degenerate!", the barmaid shouted, "Get out before I fetch my husband!"

The man apologize...

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One night at a local bar frequented by a bunch of deer hunters who were waiting for the opening day of deer season…..

the local sheriff scoped out the joint for possible drunk drivers.
As he waited, eventually a patron stumbled out of the bar, fumbled for his keys, tried them in three different cars until he finally found his, got inside and rested his head on the steering wheel. The deputy knew he had his drunk...

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

My Boyfriend said I’m starting to annoy him because I relate everything to Batman….

What a joker!!!

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

I made a bat joke

It went viral

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

Out of Respect for Meat Loaf Passing I Went to the Record Shoppe

They had Bat out of Hell and Bat Out of Hell Volume 2 but I couldn't find Volume 3. I asked them about it.

They told me "Two out of three ain't bad."

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

How in the hell did a bat have COVID anyway?

It must have flu.

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If you think that you're too powerless to change the world...

... always remember that a single idiot who snacked a bat managed to shutdown the whole fucking world for 2 years.

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Breaking News:

In a shock move,The English Cricket Board have announced tennis World No.1 Novak Djokovic as temporary batting coach.

"We acknowledge he doesn't no fuck all about Cricket, but we couldn't overlook the fact it took Australia two weeks to get him out."

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

I didn't think my pet bat would ever learn echolocation...

But it eventually clicked.

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

A guy ate a bat

And now I'm unemployed.

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?

Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

He had to go to the Bat Room.

[an old classic]

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile.

Get in the car.

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

There's all this talk about the lack of women in STEM, but it's always been surprising how no one bats an eye at USPS.

After all, their workforce consists entirely of mail trucks.

Why is baseball banned in China?

We all know what happened the last time someone ate the bat.

Who knew that all it took was one bat from China...

... to completely eradicate the USA's school shooting problem!

What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time?

That’s when the corona gets its lyme.

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid

Until they see the gun anyway

What do you call a forum for bats?

An echo chamber

So a bat is flying through the night

So a bat is flying through the night and all of a sudden he flies into a tree. He shakes it off and keeps flying.
A few moments later he flies into a wall. He shakes it off and keeps flying.
A few moments later he flies into the side of a house. He shakes it off, takes out his earphones and ...

Two man are strikes each other with baseball bat.

After 3 strikes the first one was out.




Edit : The typo kind of ruins it.

Let me tell you something right off the bat

Coronavirus

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

What happens to a Gotham resident when he f*cked with the wrong bat?

Worldwide Pandemic

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

Three bats are hanging out in their cave

A large one, a medium one and a small one.
"I'm feeling hungry." Says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. No one survived."
Few minutes later the medium ba...

The guy who invented the vibrator was bat $hit crazy.

The voices in his head said “Build it and they will cum”.

Sometimes I'm good at batting practice, sometimes I'm not

It's really hit or miss.

I often find that redditors and bats are very similar,

they both live in echo chambers.

In Wuhan, a bat signal isn’t a request for a superhero to respond,

it simply means dinner is ready.

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

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what're you in for

A Psychiatry student is sent to the mental hospital to evaluate 3 of the worst cases in the country. He's lead down a stairwell into the basement where there's three heavy locked iron doors. He unlocks the first and goes inside.

Standing in the middle of the room is a guy swinging his arms li...

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Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.

When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".

The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into th...

Two men were at a wake

Two men, Bill and Ed, were at a wake, and got to chatting with each other. Bill said:


\- You know what, I pity that cousin of mine.


Ed asked:


\- Why?


Bill told him:


\- Because that's the third wife of his who has died.


Ed ...

What did the boy bat send to the girl bat?

sapnu puas

A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses t...

When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.

The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropp...

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch.

One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?" The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

What happens with BatMan when Wonder Woman walks in all naked?

His Dark Knight rises.

One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where di...

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave...

Decide to go back and play baseball

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

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Railroad

A man who had spent his whole life in the desert visited a friend. He'd never seen a train or the tracks they run on. While standing in the middle of the RR tracks, he heard a whistle, but didn't know what it was. Predictably, he's hit and is thrown, ass-over-tea-kettle, to the side of the tracks, w...

Why did the duck hunter have no batting average?

All he can hit are fowls.

So a bat comes back to the bat cave...

...with his face completely covered in blood. All the other bats get super excited and ask him "where did you get all that blood?!! Finally a decent meal!", so he says "come with me, I'll show you!".

So they all super excitedly fly out of the bat cave, they turn left and fly off.

He f...

Why did the doge cross the road?

To get to the bat to bonk

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