This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When women remove polish with chemicals, no one bats an eye.

When Hitler removes Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit..

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.

​

He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”

​

The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He ...

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

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A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

As Vernon the vampire bat flew inside the cave…

his friends started at him with a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

“Yo Vernon, your face is covered with blood! What kind of animal did you feed from?”

Vernon gazed as his friends and said smugly “None of your business!”

“C’mon Man! Don’t be an idiot! Tell us!”

“Nah. N...

What kind of bats swing upside down?

Acro-bats!

(From my 6 year old)

Robin: The batmobile won't start. Batman: Check the battery

Robin: What's a tery

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Serve alcohol at a party and nobody bats an eye

But serve laxatives and everybody loses their shit

What’s the toughest part about being Batman?

Knowing that you’ll never make your parents proud.

Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave

The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?”

​

“I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.”

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the car?

Get in the car

A wife comes home late one night

She quietly opens the door to her bedroom. From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two. She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enters, she sees her husband the...

Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

3 Bats Walk Into A Bar...

One tells the bartender "I'll have a pint of blood". The next bat says "I'll have a pint of blood as well." The last bat says "I'll have a pint of plasma."

So the bartender says, "alright let me get this straight, you guys want two bloods and a blood lite?"

I just bought this hair product that uses bat guano.

It's supposed to get rid of dandruff, but it didn't work!

Turns out it's just sham poo.

Wanna get some blood!

One night at about 2:00am, 2 bats were hanging upside down, when one bat nudged the other bat's wing...'hey you wanna go and get some blood, a midnight snack?'
The other bat says...' now where the heck are we going to get blood at 2:00 in the morning?'
So the other bat says 'if you dont want...

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

Co-worker asked me, "If Batman, who is a regular human but with gadgets, teamed up with Superman, who has supernatural powers, and they fought against Iron Man, another regular human with gadgets, who teamed up with Thor, who has super powers, who would be the winners?"

"Your parents when you move out."

Vampire bats fly out of their cave and into the night looking for blood.

As the sun begins to rise the following morning, all of them return without consuming a single drop of blood, no one could find any food that night.

All except one, Gerald, who flies back in with blood pouring down his fangs.

"I searched all night for some blood, didn't even get a sni...

How do you avoid bats flying into your face?

Don't go to baseball games.

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Recently scientists discovered a new species of a bat whose sperm is extremely poisonous

They named it Mortal Cum Bat

A cop is confronted by a white guy with a gun and a black guy with a nerf bat. Who does he shoot first?

The bystander with the camera.

Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.

The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropp...

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An alpaca and a llama walks into a bat...

And they both get bludgeoned to death. Thank you autocorrect for fucking up my joke.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Go to the car wash after driving in the mud and no one bats an eye....

Go to the dentist right after eating oreos, and suddenly you're an asshole?

A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses t...

What did the boy bat send to the girl bat?

sapnu puas

TIL that at age 13 Jewish girls have a Bat Mitzvah and at age 15 Latina girls have a...

Baby shower.

Three bats are hanging out in their cave

A large one, a medium one and a small one.
"I'm feeling hungry." Says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. No one survived."
Few minutes later the medium ba...

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There's a bat competition...

All the bats are in a tree, there's also an elder bat judging it. The quest: all participants must take as much blood as possible in the farm. Then, the first bat go in. Everyone wait for him, and after 2 minutes he arrives, and pour 5ml of blood in a cup. And then, the judge asks:

- Nice jo...

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Four bats flying in a row

Four bats flying in a row get hit by a squall and go tumbling towards an elephant.

First bat lands on the elephants leg and says “Thank god there’s a tree here, I managed to grab the trunk.”

Second bat lands against the elephants ear and exclaims “You’re right! I’m up in the fronds!”<...

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

He had to go to the Bat Room.

[an old classic]

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Three vampire bats had a blood drinking competition

The first bat flew away and came back with blood on its teeth saying "You see that man over there? I drank his blood"
Then the second bat flew away and came back with blood all around his mouth saying "You see that family over there? I drank blood from all of them"
Then it was the third bat's ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the difference between a black man and Batman?

Batman can go inside a store without Robin

Just heard my ex just moved in with her boyfriend and he's abusive. Makes me wanna go over there with a baseball bat...

... and then blame it on the boyfriend


Credits ~ Anthony Jeselnik

Two vampire bats were hanging arround

Suddenlly the first one states: "I'm hungry, I'm going to grab a bite to eat" and he flies off.

Half an hour later he returns with a huge smile on his face and blood on his chin.

The other bat asks: "Did you get your fill?"

"Oh boy did i ever. Do you see that red roofed barn way...

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.

After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender,

'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'

The bar immediately falls absolutely sil...

Pee in the pool and nobody bats an eye

Do it from the diving board and everyone loses their minds

They read them up side down

Why don't bats enjoy r/jokes?

Wife comes home late at night.

Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.

Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, ...

What medical condition are elderly bats most afraid of?

Incontinence.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two nuns are driving along, and suddenly a bat lands on the windshield.

The two nuns look at each other, frightened.

"Spray it with the wiper fluid," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat doesn't move.

"Turn on the wipers, then," says Sister Margaret. Sister Theresa tries it, but the bat still manages to cling on to the windshield.
...

Two vampire bats are hanging from the ceiling of their cave...

... and one of them says he's hungry, so he flies off to find some food. Within a minute, he's back, blood all round his mouth, looking like he's had a really good meal. The other bat is amazed, and says, "Where did you find so much blood so fast?" So the first bat says, "Come with me, I'll show ...

So these two bats were hanging out in a cave

They were just chillin' when both of them saw this object off in the distance approach at frightening speed. Immediately, one of the bats knew what to do. He swung into action! As the object approached, he stiffened up, went completely rigid, and as the object came within range, he swung his body wi...

Why did bat fly about the car's exhaust

It was an autoexec.bat

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW In honor of my Father, his favorite joke of all time. No one could tell it like he did.

Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I...

TIL bats aren't actually blind.

No wonder they're so good at hitting baseballs.

Three apprentice vampire bats

Three apprentice vampire bats are taken out to a farm and told to get as much blood as they can find by their teacher. 15 minutes go by and the first vampire bay returns with a little bit of blood on his teeth.
'Where did you get that blood' asked the teacher.
'Do you see that chicken? That'...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Called my friend.

I called my friend just now and said, "I have a joke for you."

Friend: "Ok shoot"

Me: "What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

Friend: "I dunno what?"

Me: A bat.. now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?

Friend: I dunno what?


*Click*

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Barmaid is indeed pissed...!!

Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants.

"I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits," he says.

"You dirty bastard!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat hi...

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, ...

Finest Bat

Once upon a time Dracula decided to carry some sort of a competition to see which is the finest bat to stand on his side. So all the bats were honored to take part. The rules were simple. Whichever bat drinks more blood, will be the winner!

So the first bat goes and comes back after 10 minute...

Two bats are sitting in a cave...

...one looks at the other a says, "I'm hungry. Think I'll go get some blood". So he flew out of the cave.

About an hour later he returns with his face covered in blood. His buddy looks at him and says, "Wow! How did you get all that blood?".

"Well...", he replies, "you know when you a...

How does a Bat Girl become a Bat Woman?

She has a Bat Mitzvah

Batman to Alfred

B: Alfred, why batremote for batTV is not working?

A: Have you changed bateries sir?

B: ...

B: What are eries?

Some kid was being annoying so I hit him on the face with a baseball bat.

He started crying and I didn't even bat an eye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you sing at a twins bat mitzvah?

Happy birthday two Jews

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two vampire bats get hungry...

Two vampire bats get hungry. The sun is almost up, so one decides to wait till the next night. The second, however, is determined to fill his belly so he flies out of the cave in search of food.

About an hour later he comes back and his face is covered with blood. The first bat is impressed.<...

The Bats' Competition

Three Bats were talking about who was the best at sucking blood. The first bat though he was the best, while the other two though they were the best, so they decided to have a competition to see who really was the best.

The bats had 30 minutes each to see who could get the most blood.
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

*CLICK*

My friend:hey can I tell you a joke

Me:uh sure?

My friend:what has a little penis and hangs down?

Me:what?

My friend:a bat

Me:anything else

My friend:of course, what has a big penis and hangs up

Me: what?

*CLICK*

How does batman store energy?

In BATteries

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Overheard a phone conversation today

**Father** - "What has a small dick and hangs down?

**Son** - "What?"

**Father** - "A bat. What has a big dick and hangs up?"

**Son** - "What?"

"click"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fun joke for the phone

Once bored with the conversation, ask the recipient to help you with a joke

Start off with "what has a small dick that hangs down?"

The typical answer "what??"

"A bat, you know, because it hangs upside down"

"Oh"

"What has a big dick that hangs up?'

"Huh?"<...

What does a baby mouse say to its mother after seeing a bat?

Look mom, an angel!

A baby mouse is out for a walk one day and sees a bat...

He quickly runs home to his mother and says "Mummy! Mummy! I just saw an angel!"

What do you call Batman when he skips out on church?

Christian Bale.

What did the bat say to the other bat when he almost flew into a tree?

Whoa did you hear that?

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A psychiatrist is going about his rounds one morning...

So a psychiatrist is going about his rounds through the institution one morning when he happens up to the door of his first patient. Peering through the little window, the doctor observes the patient standing as if he was a major league player swinging an imaginary bat.

The doctor gently raps...

A bunch of bats are hanging on a tree branch...

BAT A: Hey look at Harry he's hanging the other way up!! (like a bird)

BAT B: He's been having these fainting spells all week.

What sport do you play with a wombat?

Wom

A woman comes home late in the night and goes quietly in the bedroom.

To her surprise, she sees male and female feet peeking out from under the blanket. Shocked and raging, she gets her baseball bat and beats and beats until all movement stops. After that she goes into the living room and sees her husband laying on the sofa. He turns to her half asleep: "Oh, you're ho...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why don't bats sleep outside?

You ever deal with a sunburned asshole?

A cricket walks into a sporting goods store:

A cricket walks into a store selling goods for sports, looking to buy a baseball bat.

He walks up to the clerk:

"Where are the baseball bats located, please?" The cricket asks.

The clerk is, not surprisingly, shocked to see a talking cricket. But he decides to play it cool.
<...

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Guy decides to surprise his wife by coming home from his vacation a day early

he's happy to see that she's still up, as the lights are on in the bedroom, so he grabs the flowers and the chocolate, quietly let's himself through the front door, goes up the stairs and peeks in.
To his shock, he sees TWO sets of feet sticking out from under the covers, the large set on top, en...

Two mice are walking on a rooftop

When suddenly, one of them stands on his hind lags, and waves to a bat. What was that all about? His friend asks. That was my brother. The 2nd one replies. He has gone with the air-force.

"Bloodied cricket bat found in Oscar Pistorius' house"

In addition, locals have told police that he was previously sighted with stumps.