Sammy Sosa once got caught with a corked bat and was suspended 8 games...

...at least he didn’t eat it.

A bat race was called!

Three bats had to get as much blood as they could in a certain amount of time.

After the time is up, the judge goes to the first bat and see some blood on his legs. He asks him where did he get it from?

The first bat told him, "you see that tree over there? Behind it there's a mall and...

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

I made a bat joke

It went viral

I didn't think my pet bat would ever learn echolocation...

But it eventually clicked.

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

I told my dad i was going to buy a bat from sports shop

He was confused.

Who are you going to call when you have a bat problem

Ozzy Osborne

Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

An old blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake...

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.


After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'


The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.


In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, '...

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

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A vampire masturbating in front of a mirror

Bet you didn't see that coming.

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

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My friend said he saw a nocturnal mammal defecate in a French River

I told him that's bat shit in Seine

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A man has an elephant...

A man has an elephant that is getting too expensive to feed, so he puts an ad in the paper for a 50/50 contest. 20 dollars to enter, and if you can make the elephant jump, you win half the pot. Many people try but nobody can do it. One day, a slick guy in a Cadillac shows up puts money in the jar...

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

What do you call a forum for bats?

An echo chamber

I often find that redditors and bats are very similar,

they both live in echo chambers.

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How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

A guy ate a bat

And now I'm unemployed.

A bat teaches his three children how to suck blood...

After teaching them, he orders them away to test their abilities

The first of the children return, filled with blood on his mouth, and says "Dad, do you see that cow?"

"Yes, I do son"

"So, I sucked it's blood", the first one replies

The second one comes later, with even m...

There's all this talk about the lack of women in STEM, but it's always been surprising how no one bats an eye at USPS.

After all, their workforce consists entirely of mail trucks.

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My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

I was at a hospital, talking to some patients.

I tried to lighten the mood with a coronavirus joke. Barely anyone reacted at first, but eventually everyone got it. However, the Chinese guy got it right off the bat. Some people have called my joke tasteless, however. It really killed the mood. But I bet the British variation of this joke will spr...

It took a while for Americans to get COVID-19.

But in China, they got it right off the bat.

if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?

Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

(popular indian Joke) Why doesnt china have a cricket team?

They eat bats and don't understand the concept of boundaries..

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

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Them Aussie Drop Bears!

A man in the Aussie Outback wakes up one morning to find a deadly drop bear on his roof. So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough..there's an ad for "Macca's Drop Bear Removers."
He calls the number and the man says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The drop bear remover arrives and gets out...

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid

Until they see the gun anyway

So a bat is flying through the night

So a bat is flying through the night and all of a sudden he flies into a tree. He shakes it off and keeps flying.
A few moments later he flies into a wall. He shakes it off and keeps flying.
A few moments later he flies into the side of a house. He shakes it off, takes out his earphones and ...

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

Who knew that all it took was one bat from China...

... to completely eradicate the USA's school shooting problem!

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Phone joke: what animal has a tiny dick and hangs down?

(Usual response is) a bat.

Yes! Good job. What animal has a gigantic dick and hangs up?

*hang up the phone*

A guy takes his car in to the mechanic after it mysteriously stops working

The mechanic opens up the hood, to find a small fruit bat hanging upside-down in the engine bay. The bat looks up at the mechanic and says "you look nice today mate!", Immediately the mechanic straightens up and says to the car owner "well, that's your problem right there!

Bat flattery"

A man wanted to hunt deer but it was not hunting season...

He decide he’ll risk it and went out and shot a deer, then he put the carcass over his shoulder and started to make his way out of the wood.

Suddenly he was stopped by a warden.

“What are you doing?” Asks the warden

“Nothing” says the man

“You’re not allowed to hunt here”...

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You can’t say basement

Without putting semen in the bat

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

Doctors need to test Ozzy Osbourne's blood to find the most effective vaccine for COVID...

...He has been eating bats since the 80's and he is still alive.

Let me tell you something right off the bat

Coronavirus

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time?

That’s when the corona gets its lyme.

One dark & misty night two hungry vampire bats are planning their next meal...

One says "Let's split up and meet back here in twenty minutes, and see who's found the best place to dine this evening."
Twenty minutes later they're back together to share what they've discovered.
The first says "No joy here. Nothing doing with me- but, it seems you've had more luck- where di...

In Wuhan, a bat signal isn’t a request for a superhero to respond,

it simply means dinner is ready.

COVID is bringing everyone a little closer to being Batman

Either you are wearing a mask or your parents are dead.

Why do they play baseball games at night?

Because the bats are asleep during the day.

What happens to a Gotham resident when he f*cked with the wrong bat?

Worldwide Pandemic

Baseball Dreams

Doctor: What did you dream about last night?

Patient: Baseball.

Doctor: Don’t you dream about anything else?

Patient: What, and miss my turn at bat?

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

A viral poem...

The plauge was rats,

COVID was the bats,

I'm sensing a pattern,

*sideways glancing at my cats*

Two man are strikes each other with baseball bat.

After 3 strikes the first one was out.




Edit : The typo kind of ruins it.

"A very Polite Deer"

A lizard is walking through the forest when he sees a rabbit knocked down. He askes what happened. The rabbit says "It was the deer. He's gone crazy and now he's hitting everyone with a bat, but I gotta say-he is very polite."

The lizard continues down the forest when he sees a bear also kno...

Sometimes I'm good at batting practice, sometimes I'm not

It's really hit or miss.

Three vampires challenge themselves to a blood drink off

The first one comes back, 10 minutes later, lips bloodied proud of himself.
The two others ask him how he got so much blood, so the vampire points towards a corpse drain of all it’s blood only to say: you see that girl, yep, that’s her blood!

The second vampire turns into a bat and leaves...

3 Ducks Walk into a Bar ...

“Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.

“Huey,” was the reply.

“How’s your day been Huey?”

“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day.

What else could a duck want?” said Huey

“Oh. That’s nice,” said the bartende...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire bat came flopping in from the night, covered in fresh blood, parked himself on the ceiling of a cave, and prepared to get some sleep.

Pretty soon, all the other bats smelled the blood and began hassling him about where he got it. He told them to piss off and go get some sleep.

But they persisted, until finally he gave in, grudgingly. “Ok,” he said, “follow me,” and he flew out of the cave with hundreds and hundreds of bats...

A man buys a brand new sports car and on his first drive overtakes a pick up truck from the wrong side.

The truck driver is huge and has anger issues. He gets furious, speeds up and decided to teach the man a lesson at the next stop light just a few miles ahead.

They reach a red light where the pick up driver pulls ahead of the car. He steps out of the trucks and drags the man out of the car. H...

A guy walks out of a bar

On his way home he heads up an alley way and in that alley way, he sees a dumpster with a lamp in it

The guy picks up the lamp, opens its lid and a genie pops out saying “ I am the genie of the lost lamp and I will grant you 3 wishes but whatever you ask for, you’re ex wife gets double”
...

When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.

When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".

The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into th...

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

What was the most successful revenge story in the history?

After humans killed a bat for first time, the escaped ones passed down their hatred to their younger generations. And, 2020 was the year they chose to strike back.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Due to the recent cutbacks caused by the coronavirus Bruce was told he had to terminate one of his compliance managers.

Alice and Jack we're both exemplary employees and he honestly had no idea which one he would get rid of, but being an honest man he decided he'd speak to them both ahead of time thinking that it might help him make his decision. He called in Alice first and he said listen, I've either got to lay you...

2 men exploring find a bat in a cave...

Decide to go back and play baseball

The guy who invented the vibrator was bat $hit crazy.

The voices in his head said “Build it and they will cum”.

All countries will get the corona virus eventually...

China just got it right off the bat...

Edit : Thanks for the 1k guys...

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Bloke goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

...."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."


The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The Barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it al...

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night before christmas (covid edition)

Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house,

Not a creature was stirring, not even a mouse,

Do you know why? Because none of us were

allowed out,

Looked out into the street and no Christmas decorations about,

Looked out of the window, what did I s...

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

Why does Batman only wear dark colors? Easy. Batman doesn't want to get shot. Why does Robin only wear bright colors?

Easy.


Batman doesn't want to get shot.

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

Robert Pattinson is an awful vampire

It took him 11 years to figure out how to turn into a bat

Batman walks into a room which alfred is ìn, late at night.

"Alfred could you fill up the bathtub please" batman said after entering the room.
Alfred replied with, "what's a htub sir?"

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On a call with a friend

Hey, what has a tiny penis and hangs down?

I don't know what?

A bat.

And what has a enormous penis and hangs up?

I dunno what?

*Clicks*

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Intern Interviews Three Psychiatric Residents

Psych intern is taken to the first of three patient rooms.

Patient is wearing a baseball cap and swinging an imaginary baseball bat.

I: How long do you think you'll be here?

P: Oh, as soon as I hit this home run, I'm outta here!

I: (Makes notes)

Intern is then tak...

Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

So a bat comes back to the bat cave...

...with his face completely covered in blood. All the other bats get super excited and ask him "where did you get all that blood?!! Finally a decent meal!", so he says "come with me, I'll show you!".

So they all super excitedly fly out of the bat cave, they turn left and fly off.

He f...

A hippopotamus walks into a bar. He buys a drink for the rabbit on the bar stool. She bats her eyes at him. He asks for a dance..

The rabbit says "tango?"

He says "nope.... Lets do Hip Hop!"

Did you know groups of bats can power things?

They’re called bat-arrays

Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.

The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropp...

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I knew a guy who was obsessed with guano

He was bat shit crazy

What’s the worst thing for bats as they age?

Incontinence.

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles.

One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs.



He says, “See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people.”



The second bat returns with blood around his mouth. He says, “See that castle o...

Two vampire bats are very hungry

Two very hungry vampire bats are hanging as they would, upside down, and are talking about the lack of animals in their surrounding to feed from. They have been going for days in search for a victim for them to get their nourishment to no avail.

Bat 1: "I am going out again, I am starving"...

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A pirate can name a bay "Booty Bay" and nobody bats an eye...

But when I name an alley "Anal Alley", suddenly I'm a creep.

Three bats are hanging out in their cave

A large one, a medium one and a small one.
"I'm feeling hungry." Says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. No one survived."
Few minutes later the medium ba...

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

He had to go to the Bat Room.

[an old classic]

Why did the duck hunter have no batting average?

All he can hit are fowls.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears a thumping on his roof, goes outside to look and she's a guerilla on his roof

He calls animal control and says he has a gorilla on his roof. They say they have just the guy for the job and he'll be over in half an hour. After half an hour, a white van pulls up to the house. A man steps out with a ladder, a bat, a net, a shotgun, and a rottweiler.

"So how are you gonna ...

What kind of bats swing upside down?

Acro-bats!

(From my 6 year old)

Vampire bats fly out of their cave and into the night looking for blood.

As the sun begins to rise the following morning, all of them return without consuming a single drop of blood, no one could find any food that night.

All except one, Gerald, who flies back in with blood pouring down his fangs.

"I searched all night for some blood, didn't even get a sni...

What did the boy bat send to the girl bat?

sapnu puas

A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses t...

(OC) A buddy and I flew up to Alaska to do some ice fishing.

Neither of us had ever been and we were both pretty excited, but when we got there my friend was just too freaked out about falling through the ice and freezing to death to go. Well, I was still super stoked so I ended up calling a local tourist company and I hired a couple of locals to take me out...

Two bats were hanging upside down in a cave

The first bat asks the second, “Do you remember the worst day of your life?”



“I sure do," said the second bat. "It was the day I had diarrhea.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An oldie in honor of Sir Sean Connery, RIP

Sean Connery was interviewed by Michael Parkinson and bragged that, despite being 72 years of age, he could still have sex three times a night.

Cilla Black, who was also a guest, looked intrigued.
After the show, Cilla says, "Sean, if I'm not bein too forward, I'd luv to 'ave sex with yer....

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As Vernon the vampire bat flew inside the cave…

his friends started at him with a mixture of admiration and jealousy.

“Yo Vernon, your face is covered with blood! What kind of animal did you feed from?”

Vernon gazed as his friends and said smugly “None of your business!”

“C’mon Man! Don’t be an idiot! Tell us!”

“Nah. N...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three vampire bats had a blood drinking competition

The first bat flew away and came back with blood on its teeth saying "You see that man over there? I drank his blood"
Then the second bat flew away and came back with blood all around his mouth saying "You see that family over there? I drank blood from all of them"
Then it was the third bat's ...

I'm terrified of bats, but I blame my childhood for that.

My dad always took a good swing at me.

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A priest, a doctor and redditor

A priest, a doctor and a redditor are waiting at a bus stop one evening. A man comes around the corner with a baseball bat and proceeds to scream at and hit each lamp post as he goes, except for one old lamp post at the end of the road which he places his hand on and smiles.

The priest shake...

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