UPJOKE
baseballballbaseball gamehitwingbirdthrashbloodbatmanbaseball batfruit batbatsmanvampire batinningflower

The fact Ozzy has COVID now just shows bats always get their revenge.

(All the best to them, hope he gets to live a long time)

A group of bats is a colony, crows is a murder, sheep is a flock. What is a group of idiots called?

A Freedom Caucus.

You pee in the shower - nobody bats their eye.

But if you shower in the pee, everyone loses their mind.

What do you do when being chased by an angry bat?

Use hand to hand calmbat

An old, blind Marine wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake.

He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a shot of Jack Daniels.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that ...

A group of bats were hosting a competition

Three of them would be competing to see which could suck the most blood in 10 minutes.
The first one went to a field with sheep. After ten minutes it returned with blood dripping from its fangs. The judge asked “ how did you get this blood?” The bat responded “see that field with sheep? I drank ...

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Bat penis

This isn't as good as a text joke since you have to be talking on the phone with your victim.

What has a little dick and hangs down?
What?
A sleeping bat!
Um, okay..
What has a big dick and hangs up?
What?
*you then hang the phone up on them*

My father, who as a child loved baseball, once told me about a time that his dad broke his favorite baseball bat in half because he came home late one night.

When I was younger, and I loved video games, my dad smashed my Playstation after he found a pack of cigarettes in my room. Now, as a father myself, I told myself I'd never do this to *my* son. My son loves BMX and wants to be in the X-Games. Last night I caught him using my credit card to gamble onl...

The Bat Bet

Three vampire bats live in a cave surrounded by three castles. One night, the bats bet on who can drink the most blood. The first bat comes home with blood dripping off his fangs. He says, "See that castle over there? I drank the blood of three people." The second bat returns with blood around his m...

Why were the bats hanging outside the Gates of Hell?

To Meatloaf.

R.I.P.

What do you get when you cross a bat and a man?

A ban. Specifically, a lifetime ban from the genetics labs, as well as a visit from the ethics committee.

A bat asks another bat, “What was the worst day of your life?”

He answered, “The day I had diarrhea…”

3 Bats are competing who can drink more blood.

The first bat goes away and comes back after some time looking pretty bloody. "You see that village over there?" " yes" "well i drank all blood there". Than secont bat goes away and comes back after more time looking bloodier than the first one "You see that town over there?" "Yes" "well i drank all...

A vampire bat came flapping in from the night covered in fresh blood, and went to get some sleep

Pretty soon all the other bats smelled the blood and began asking him where he got it. He told them to knock it off and let him get some sleep, but they persisted until he finally gave in. "Fine", he said, "follow me" and he flew out of the cave with hundreds of bats behind him. Down through a valle...

All countries eventually got coronavirus

But China got it right off the bat.

How does Alfred call Batman to dinner?

Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, Dinner Dinner, BATMAN!

What does a Capitalist Bat study in College?

Echonomics

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Little Johnny and Baseball

Once a man having an affair unexpectedly finds the husband returning earlier than expected, He ends up hiding in the closet, where, unfortunately for him, little Johnny is also hiding.

Johnny: “Dark in here.”
“Yes it is.”
“I have a baseball.”
“That’s nice.”
“Want to b...

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What do you get if you jizz in a bat?

A ba*semen*t

What's the first thing Batman does when he wakes up?

He goes to the Batroom.

What do you call the bat that carries Coronavirus

Nosferachoo

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Two boys were arguing about who was going to bat first.

Both of them keep fussing for straight five minutes when one of them suggests the one who can resist the most pain in the balls will bat. The other kid nods and they begin. The first kid takes a step back and kicks as hard as he can at the other kid's balls. The kid naturally puts his hand at his ba...

Humans can catch diseases from monkeys and bats, but why not anteaters?

Because they are filled with anty bodies.

How many bats does it takes to screw in a lightbulb?

Can’t tell; as soon as the light comes on, they scatter.

How are bats like real-estate agents?

It’s all echo-location location location

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Bank manager

An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.

After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always r...

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Four 'Older' ladies are sitting in the tearoom of an exclusive country club, discussing their families.

Marjorie Puts down her tea and says "I am so proud of my son. He's a respected heart Surgeon. Just last month he performed a transplant on a famous billionaire and, In gratitude, the gentleman gave him a new Porsche sports car"

Mildred addresses her companions. "Of course, I am also very prou...

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Gorilla removal

A guy was drinking beers one day at his house and he heard some banging on the roof, so he walks outside sees a gorilla on the roof says nope fuck that and goes back inside and watches tv A lwhile later he sees an ad on TV for gorilla removal it says in and out in 30 minutes. The guy calls up the nu...

The Competition - Wishing you a Happy Halloween!

Dracula wanted to know which of his bats was the best. So, he organized a little competition.

The bat which would drink more blood in less time than others would be the winner.

The first bat went and came back after 10 minutes. Its mouth was full of blood.

Dracula was impresse...

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New shoes for dad

I took my dad to the mall the other day to get him new shoes (he is 66).

We decided to grab a bite at the food court.

I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him... the teenager had spiked hair in all different colors — blue, red, green, and orange.

My dad kept sta...

A fruit bat is visiting a vampire bat's house. Suddenly he hears his friend call out from the kitchen: "could you help, I've lost a lot of blood." He starts to call for the doctor, but suddenly he hears his friend say "wait, nevermind..."

"I just didn't notice it in the back of the fridge."

Two bats are going for their midnight feed

After an hour or so, one bat gets tired of looking and goes home with no blood.
The other bat comes home with blood dripping from its mouth. The first bat says enviously, "Where did you get all that blood from?"

The second bat replies, "Follow me. I'll show you."

After awhile the se...

A bat race was called!

Three bats had to get as much blood as they could in a certain amount of time.

After the time is up, the judge goes to the first bat and see some blood on his legs. He asks him where did he get it from?

The first bat told him, "you see that tree over there? Behind it there's a mall and...

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What’s the worst part about having a bat in your basement?

If you take the bat out of basement all that’s left is semen

I saw a giant mouse so I tried killing it with a baseball bat

So now I have a lifetime ban from Disneyland

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What Hangs Down and has a Tiny Penis?

Funny enough, my mother was the one who told me this joke. First, you call someone (preferably a close friend). Then you ask them the question "What hangs down and has a tiny penis?" then you strategically wait for their response. If they don't answer correctly with "a bat" then say "The answer is a...

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Bloke goes into a British pub on a hot summer’s day and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your tits" he says....

..."You dirty pig!" shouts the barmaid, "get out before I get my husband."

The bloke apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread your arse cheeks and lick all that sweat."

She says, ...

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I stayed in an English Hotel that was so quaint that when I we first arrived, rather than a mint, there were a couple of cricket balls and a bat on the bed.

Though the bat did fly out of the window after only a few minutes, and I never did find the rest of the cricket.

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A woman comes home early from work to surprise her husband for his birthday.

She enters her house, walks up the stairs, and heads towards the direction of her bedroom. As she eagerly walks to her bedroom, her adrenaline was spiking, she was anticipating a very dirty night. She slowly opened the door and astonishingly, she saw two people on her bed covered with a blanket, wit...

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Serve alcohol at a party, nobody bats an eye

Serve laxatives at a party and everybody loses their shit

A football quarterback, soccer wing forward, baseball designated hitter, volleyball setter, hockey winger and cricket batsman walk into a bar...

# POST REMOVED

**Rule 10 -** Overly ***offensive*** content

Meatloaf has produced 3 really great songs but of them, I can only recognise Bat out of Hell and Heaven can wait.

Well 2 out of 3 ain’t bad

Why does Santa always keep a Baseball bat in his sleigh?

For Claus combat.

Years ago, I viciously beat up my high school bully with a baseball bat. Both of his arms were broken.

Come to think of it, that's probably why I felt brave enough to beat him up.

I woke up one night to the sound of someone breaking in to my house.

I quickly reached for my phone. My wife grabbed it away and whispered "Don't do that, he'll hear you! Take your baseball bat, go downstairs and chase him out!"

I reluctantly took my bat and creeped down the stairs.
I tiptoed into the kitchen.

Nobody there.

Slowly, I made my ...

What is it called when Batman gets an erection?

The Dark Knight Rises

Sammy Sosa once got caught with a corked bat and was suspended 8 games...

...at least he didn’t eat it.

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Girls use chemicals to remove polish and, no one bats an eye

Hitler uses chemicals to remove Polish, and everyone loses their mind

Edit: NSFW was requested

Edit: yes, this is a repost. Sharing the laughs.

Suspicious loss

An outpouring of love at the loss of the Queen of England. But, over a dozen countries including Canada, Australia and New Zealand lost their heads of state yesterday and nobody even bats an eye. This is extremely suspicious.

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The Man who could only Drink Milk

I know an old man who had lived a life full of adventure, but his health started to catch up with him. He'd run the Boston Marathon, was an avid surfer, and climbed Everest, but he'd started to have abdominal pains around his 85th birthday and went to see a doctor. Sadly, he ultimately was diagnosed...

Why is Batman great in bed?

Since he’s not a superhero, he uses gadgets

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The screw and the bellybutton

So a guy I work with told us this joke on the plane, went on for full 30' which made it even funnier smh, this is a short version:

A boy is born and is perfectly normal, arms legs ears and stuff, except a tiny detail: He had a screw on his bellybutton. Parents send him to all doctors imagina...

When he's in the bathtub, Batman uses Bat-shower gel to clean his body, Bat-pumice on his feet and Bat-shampoo to wash his hair.

But to keep his hair smooth and silky he uses Conditioner Gordon

Two bats sat in a tree...

...One was hungry for blood, so he flew out.

A minute later he came back with his whole face covered in blood.

"Where did you get all that blood?" Asked the second bat eagerly.

"You see that tree over there?"

"No..."

"Me neither."

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It all started with a bat. Then toilet paper. Now we’re going nuts in quarantine.

We really have gone bat, shit, crazy.

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How can you tell if the bat that bit you had rabies?

Also why is water so fuckin scary?

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When a women removes polish with chemicals,no one bats an eye.

But when Hitler removes the Polish with chemicals, everyone loses their shit.

A group of bats, hanging at the ceiling of a cave.....

discovers a single bat standing upright underneath on the floor of the cave.

Surprised by this unusual behavior, they ask this fellow: "What the heck are you doing down there?"

And the fellow shouts back: "Yoga!"

My parents didn't have much money when I was young. One Christmas my mates all got new consoles but I just got a bat and ball.

To be fair the ball was alright. The bat was useless though - it just hung upside in my wardrobe all day.

A guy ate a bat

And now I'm unemployed.

If you eat a bat, you get COVID-19. If you eat a crow, you get

CORVID-19

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Two lengths of tarmac (asphalt) walk into a pub

They strut up to the bar and order a couple of Guinness and after a few gulps each begin to tell the barman how hard they are.

Having heard it all before but happy for the company, the barman encourages them and pours another two pints of Guinness.

By their third pint, their tales are ...

A wife comes home late one night...

...and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket, she sees four legs instead of just her husband's two.



She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can. Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink. As she enter...

What do you call a green bat that walks across a yellow bridge?

I don’t know, but at least it isn’t a repost

Why did Batman rush to the Bat Cave?

He had to go to the Bat Room.

[an old classic]

My wife woke me up in the middle of the night in a panic. She said she heard something downstairs, so I got my baseball bat.

She doesn't wake me up in the night anymore.

I wonder how she's doing in hospital.

A woman comes home late from work

She goes upstairs and notices two people in bed, instead of just her husband.

Quietly, she tip toes away and finds a baseball bat, comes back and bludgeons the pair in bed.

She goes downstairs to grab a drink, only to find her husband sitting at the table.

"Hi honey," he says...

If Bruce Wayne overcame his fear of bats by becoming his phobia...

why am I still afraid of failure?

How long did it take for the first guy to get covid?

He got it right off the bat

I made a bat joke

It went viral

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I keep a bat in my bedroom for protection.

I feel safe but it keeps pooping in my ear.

Who are you going to call when you have a bat problem

Ozzy Osborne

I didn't think my pet bat would ever learn echolocation...

But it eventually clicked.

10 years ago I went to the opticians for an eye test. He asked to look into this big machine & tell him what I could see. I said I can see a fella eating a bat, closed pubs & everyone seems to be wearing face masks!

The optician said I don't need glasses as I have 2020 vision!

Why is Batman an Anti-Vaxxer?

His parents took shots and died.

What did baby Bruce Wayne have hanging over his crib?

a bat mobile

if bats could talk what would they say about the corona virus?

Now you know how it feels to have your world turned upside down!

Some idiot attacked me at the local park tonight with a bat...

I was really impressed at how well he'd trained it.

What happens when you eat a bat and get bit by a tick at the same time?

That’s when the corona gets its lyme.

PG 13 movies can show literally hundreds of human beings getting slaughtered and nobody bats an eye. But you drown just one dog...

and they ask you to leave the pool.

What do you call a forum for bats?

An echo chamber

So a bat is flying through the night

So a bat is flying through the night and all of a sudden he flies into a tree. He shakes it off and keeps flying.
A few moments later he flies into a wall. He shakes it off and keeps flying.
A few moments later he flies into the side of a house. He shakes it off, takes out his earphones and ...

What did Batman say to Robin before they got in the Batmobile.

Get in the car.

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My favourite joke to perform. Terrible accent recommended.

Pierre, zee French fighter pilot is with his amour.

"Oh, Pierre, I want you to kiss me", she exclaims.

And so he tilts her chin up and leans in, but just before he plants a kiss on her lips, he pours a little red wine on them, and then goes in for the kiss.

"Oh, Pierre, mon di...

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My mate and I were walking along when we noticed a gang of bat carrying youths in our way. He said "Quick! Pretend we're the police."

I sang 'Every breath you take' But we still got the shit kicked out of us.

Do you know the reason all the bat boys in major league baseball are replaced when they turn 18?

Because otherwise you'd have to call him Batman.

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I called my friend and told him "I have a joke for you.”

“Okay shoot"

“What has a tiny penis and hangs down?"

“I dunno"

“A bat. Now what has an enormous penis and hangs up?"

“I dunno"

*CLICK*

Three bats are hanging out in their cave

A large one, a medium one and a small one.
"I'm feeling hungry." Says the big one and flies out of the cave. He returns with a bloody face and asks "Do you guys remember the town by the hill?"
"We remember."
"Well forget about it. No one survived."
Few minutes later the medium ba...

Two vampire bats wake up in the middle of the night, thirsty for blood.

One says, "Let's fly out of the cave and get some blood."

"We're new here," says the second one. "It's dark out, and we don't know where to look. We'd better wait until the other bats go with us."

The first bat replies, "Who needs them? I can find some blood somewhere." He flies out ...

Robin walks into the garage in the bat cave to test drive the batmobile.

He jumps into the batmobile and tries to get it started but it wont work.
So Robin goes to find batman to help him.
Robin explains to batman that the batmobile isn't working.
"Check the battery" says batman.
"Who is tery?" Robin says confused.

What do you call a biologically male wombat?

An "at," since they lack wombs.

Baby rat and mommy rat were walking down a dirt road when a bat flies by

Baby rat turns to his mom and says:

-Look ma, an angel.

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

One salad: $3, three salads: $10!

At the market place, a seller advertises "1 salad for $3, 3 salads for $10".

A customer passing by stops and speaks with the seller:

-That's not right!

-What do you mean?

-Well, that's not an offer: 3 salads cost $9.

-No, sir, it says here that 3 salads cost $10.<...

Who knew that all it took was one bat from China...

... to completely eradicate the USA's school shooting problem!

There's all this talk about the lack of women in STEM, but it's always been surprising how no one bats an eye at USPS.

After all, their workforce consists entirely of mail trucks.

In the current climate you can walk in any shop that's still open with a mask on maybe even a bank and nobody will even bat an eyelid

Until they see the gun anyway

Rodney Dangerfield's classic one liner: When I was little my dad gave me a bat

The first time I played with it, it flew away.

-Rodney Dangerfield

What did the boy bat send to the girl bat?

sapnu puas

Two man are strikes each other with baseball bat.

After 3 strikes the first one was out.




Edit : The typo kind of ruins it.

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A bat has a tiny penis and hangs down. What has a massive penis and hangs up?

*BEEEEEEEPPPPP*

Cruise

A man is walking down the street when he sees a sign in the window of a travel agency that says CRUISES - $100. He goes into the agency and hands the guy $100. The travel agent then whacks him over the head with a baseball bat and throws him in the river.
Another man is walking down the street a ...

Robert Pattinson is the worst vampire ever.

Took him 15 years to figure out how to turn himself into a bat

Batman: "It's been a long day."

Batman: "It's been a long day. Alfred, please fill up the bathtub."

Alfred: "Master Bruce, what's a htub?"

China should have a cricket team.

They can take out the whole world with one bat

What happens to a Gotham resident when he f*cked with the wrong bat?

Worldwide Pandemic

When a girl says she wants to have a guy's babies, no one bats an eye, but when I say I want to give someone my babies-

-I'm suddenly under arrest for human trafficking.

A horse plays cricket

I heard this a while ago on BBC America, so it's paraphrased a bit:

----

A horse is in his field, watching a cricket match over the fence.

He calls out to the captain, and asks if he could play as well. The skipper says, "Why not? Might be fun," and gives the horse a bat as it w...

A boy stands in his yard with a baseball and bat...

He proudly proclaims "I'm the greatest batter in the world!" He proceeds to toss the ball in the air swings with all his might. He misses and falls to the ground. "Strike one". He tosses the ball again, keeping his eye on it and swings. The ball hits the found with a thud, "strike two". He tosses t...

Three hungry bats...

Three hungry vampire bats are hanging upside down in a tall tower at night, having not eaten anything for several days.
Extremely hungry they look around for something they can drink the blood off.

The first bat, sees something, flies away and returns several minutes later with blood dropp...

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Two hungry vampire bats are sitting in a tree, discussing the best area to go to get some juicy blood...

The first bat says "I'm gonna fly out of the woods and see if there's anything near the river.

When the first bat returns, the second bat says "Did you have much luck?", to which he replies "Nah, absolutely nothing down there".

The second bat says "Okay I'm going to fly further into th...

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Christmas was coming and Little Johnny’s Mom and Dad took him to the mall to a see Santa Claus.

Johnny walked up and sat on Santa’s lap and said “Santa, for Christmas I want a god damn new baseball bat and I want it to be put under my god damn bed. I want a god damn new baseball glove, and I want it put under the god damn Christmas tree. And Santa, I want a god damn new bike and I want it put ...

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A guy was on the phone with his buddy (NSFW)

Guy- Hey, you know what has a tiny penis and hangs down?

Buddy- Idk, what?

Guy- A bat. You know what has a giant penis and hangs up?

Buddy- Idk, what?

::click::

My dad's favourite joke - Harry the vampire bat

So one day Harry the vampire bat gets back to his cave, with his entire face absolutely covered with blood. All the other bats are incredulous, demanding where Harry found all the blood. Harry agrees to show them. So they all follow Harry out of the cave, over the river, and through some fields, ...

In Wuhan, a bat signal isn’t a request for a superhero to respond,

it simply means dinner is ready.

Three bats chilling in a cave upside down

On of them goes out for a hunt, turns back with his mouth full of blood. Both are impressed, "damn dude what did you catch?" "You see that pile of flesh? Well that was a big fat cat, juicy blood!".

The second one goes out, turns back within an hour, whole face covered in blood. "Wooah man, te...

Why don't the Chinese play cricket?

They eat the bat

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