UPJOKE
beatthudsoundthrobpoundclunkthumpinghitblowthrashthwackpulsepercussivepokeclump

Thump Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the windscreen...

Embarrassed and to spare her young daughter's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry, that was just an insect."

To which, her daughter replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that!"

Thump... Thump... Thump...

A man is walking home one foggy night,
When behind him he hears:

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He looks back, but the source of the sound is obscured by the fog. He continues walking.

Thump…

Thump…

Thump…

He begins to walk faster, and looks back over...

what goes thump thump thump squish thump thump thump squish

a Caterpillar with one wet sneaker.

A mama pickle was walking past her son’s room when she heard some thumping coming from inside.

She banged on the door and yelled “Quit gherkin off in there!”

[NSFW] An American and a Russian walk in a bar...

“One beer, please,” asks the American before downing the beer.

“Da, two beer,” asks the Russian in response, downing both.

Not wanting to be outdone, the American ordered;

“Three beers and shot of whiskey, please,” before downing them all in quick succession.

Not one to b...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears a thumping on his roof, goes outside to look and she's a guerilla on his roof

He calls animal control and says he has a gorilla on his roof. They say they have just the guy for the job and he'll be over in half an hour. After half an hour, a white van pulls up to the house. A man steps out with a ladder, a bat, a net, a shotgun, and a rottweiler.

"So how are you gonna ...

A man was walking home down a dark street at night. As he was walking, he heard this thumping....

He stopped and looked, and there was nothing there. It seemed to have stopped. He continued on. Then he heard more thumping, and he knew he wasn't crazy. He turned, and what he saw horrified him. A coffin was thumping after him! He ran. The coffin on his tail. He ran to his house. He closed and lock...

What goes "hahahaha" then *Thump*?

A man laughing his head off.

What takes 99 steps and goes *thump*

A centipede with a pegleg

Ok this is a groaner, so I expect down votes...

One night, a man is making his way home from the local. He's had a fair bit to drink, when he hears this thumping noise behind him. Not wanting to get involved in whatever it is, he puts his head down and keeps walking. Minutes later he hears the noise again, behind him and getting louder.
‘Thump...

What's the difference between someone falling from 21st floor and 1st floor?

21st floor person goes: AHHHHHHHHHH *thump*

1st floor goes: *thump* AHHHHHHHHHH

This is the only joke I know. Spooktober appropriate.

A cemetery caretaker is feeling ill after a long day's work and decides to head into town to get some medicine before going to bed.

It is still pretty light out and the drug store is only a few miles from his house on the graveyard property, so he decides the walk might do him some good. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A bible thumping granny gets on a cross town bus sitting across the isle from two Cajun’s talking quietly

So of course she starts to listen. The older of the two gentlemen was saying, “First, Emma came, den I cum, then us and us again, together! And then I cum again.”
The lady stands up and says “you should be ashamed of yourself for talking like that about anyone and things like that should not be...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man hears a loud, rhythmic thumping on his walk home...

He turns around to see what is causing the commotion, and the sound immediately stops. Seeing nothing but a large casket, and rather confused, he continues on his way home.
Though he is sure there is nothing causing the racket, he is convinced he is still hearing the noise. The man cleans his ear...

Back in caveman days, all we had were clubs and rocks. And doors hadn't even been invented yet...

...we had to tell each other "thump thump" jokes!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A rock band was booed by the crowd.

The drum player and the bass player drink in a bar, depressed as fuck, trying to figure out what went wrong.
'It's probably the stage sound', the bass player suggests. 'That engineer can't mix shit in a bowl, let alone sound.'
'Come on, we've had worse. At least the monitors were working.'...

My wife got very upset at the funeral the other day, wailing and thumping the coffin with her fists

And Jeeeeez, you should’ve heard her when she went in the furnace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral

Feeling quite sad, a man goes for a walk in a cemetery after his friend's funeral. As he walked between the tombstones he came across an open grave. He walked right up to the edge to see that there was still a coffin inside. What an odd sight he thought to himself - suddenly he heard a thump, follow...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A cattle rancher walks into a bar...

He walks up and orders a strong drink, "herding cattle is tough work!"

The bartender nods.

In walks a middle-aged woman, who orders two strong drinks, "Cattle? Try herding cats! I've got eight of them!"

The bartender raises an eyebrow, but nods.

Then comes a preschool t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck wrestler

has beaten every opponent he's been up against and is now going international. Before the match against the Russian champion, his coach sits him down.

"Now, look, you're faster and more agile than this guy. He's big and strong, but just keep moving and let him tire himself out and you can b...

A blonde goes horseback riding for the first time in her life, she's never had any prior lessons or training.

As soon as her bottom hits the saddle, the horse gallops away. Immediately the girl realizes she's not in the saddle correctly and she does everything she can to stay on the horse, she pulls on the horse's mane, she grabs the saddle ... but she realizes it's no use. Finally she decides the best th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The tale of Louise.

Once upon a time there was a 7-year-old girl named Louise. Now from a young age Louise had always had an interest in science. Someday she wanted to be an astronaut, to pilot a spaceship, and to explore alien worlds, but she didn't have time for any of those things. You see, Louise's family owned thi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and wife love golfing together, but they aren't very good, so they decide to take private lessons.

The husband has his lesson first. After the pro sees his swing, he says, "No, no, no, you're gripping the club way too hard!" "Well, what should I do?" asks the man. "Hold the club gently," the pro replied, "just like you'd hold your wife's breast."

The man takes the advice, takes a swing, an...

[NSFW] Taking the Air Out

A six-year-old walks into the kitchen where his mom is preparing
a meal and says: "Mom, the last few nights I have woke up to this
thumping noise coming out of your bedroom and when I looked to see
what it is, you're sitting on top of dad and bouncing up and down.
Why are you doing t...

Trucker's hobby.

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back on the road.

One day, as the truck...

It was cold and pouring with rain, but the boy's mother insisted he go to the barn and feed the animals before he could have breakfast.

The boy went out in a dark rage, kicked the chickens, punched the cow and threw water all over the pigs.

When he got back inside his mother was furious.

"How dare you!" she fumed. "I saw what you did! You get no eggs because you kicked the chickens, no milk because you thumped the cow ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jesus arrives at the last supper...

...he walks in and sees a mad party - alcohol, hookers, tables bending under the weight of the food and music thumping. He asks Peter: "what the fuck, Pete?! This was supposed to be a humble going-away dinner; where did you get the cash for all this?!" Peter replies: "I don't know; Judas sold someth...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"I got her!''

A drunk old man gets into a taxi Mercedes E Class. After a short time, he asks, "Why do Mercedes cars have that on their bonnet?"

The driver jokingly replies, "It is there so I could aim pedestrians."

He accelerates sharply, narrowly missing out an old lady which was passing the street...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar.

The sign read “Free beer if you can pass our test!”

Curious, the man asks the bartender how he can win free beer. The bartender replies “First, you gotta down this entire bottle of pepper tequila, and you can’t make a face while doing it. Next, there’s a ‘gator out back with a sore tooth. ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was traveling through Asia when one night, he stopped at a monastery

He asked the monks for a place to sleep and some food, and the monks indulged him. But that night, he couldn't sleep. He kept hearing this droning, thumping sound. After a while, he went to investigate. He followed the sound down the stairs, into the basement. There he encountered a richly decorated...

A little boy...

wakes up three nights in a row when he hears a thumping sound coming from his parents bedroom. Finally, one morning he goes to his mom and says, "Mommy, every night I hear you and daddy making noise and when I look in you're bouncing up and down on him."

His mom is taken by surprise and says....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A German taxi driver was on his shift...

He is driving one of these Mercedes models that have the Mercedes emblem as a hood ornament.

A guy waves him down, so he stops and let him enter. It was a tourist, in town on his first trip to Germany. The driver asks: "So, how do you like our country?" The guy answers: "Oh, it's great. B...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

[OC] My first music class in school started with the teacher letting us check out the instruments to decide what we wanted to play.

I put a thump on a drum. I put a twang on the guitar. I even put a honk on the saxophone. After I was given my instrument I confessed that I wanted to play the bell. My teacher told me that if I liked it then I should have put a ring on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A redneck boy ran into his house and announced excitedly:

"I’ve found the girl I’m gonna marry! And she’s a virgin!"


His father thumped his fist on the table angrily. "There’s no way you’re marrying that girl," he yelled. "If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure ain’t good enough for ours!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A foreigner accepts an ad for a roomate position...

An ad is put out by a young couple for a roomate position. After a while, a foreigner not from any country nearby accepts. Now, the man has great credit, no criminal record, and perfect English. He's accepted immediately. Only, there's one problem.

In his home country, the foreigner had no co...

Oh, boy! Horsie ride!

Little Johnny is passing his parents’ bedroom in the middle of the night in search of a glass of water. Hearing a lot of moaning and thumping, he peeks in and catches his folks in the act. Before dad can even react, little Johnny exclaims, “Oh, boy! Horsie ride! Daddy, can I ride on your back?”
<...

A Rabbi gets a message from God to travel and ...

Spread his message. So the Rabbi sets out on his donkey and after many day and nights he sees a signpost that says

"TRIDIA 100 miles"

The Rabbi had never heard of this place before so he decided to go there. As he got closer to the town he heard loud thumps in the distance. As he got ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Free beer for the person who can pass this test!

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar: FREE BEER FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender: "Well, FIRST you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once AND, ...

On a sparkling summer day,

A penguin is driving his convertible along a coastal road. Accelerating through a bend, he hears a “thump” from the engine bay.

It’s not so far to the next town, so he slows down and limps the car to the local mechanic’s workshop.

“I’m a bit busy right now, mate”, says the mechanic. “C...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The C.I.A. is hiring a new assassin

Three men apply for the job, a 25 year old, a 35 year old, and a 55 year old. They interview the the 25 year old first.

The interviewer slides a loaded Glock to the man and says, "We need a cold blooded killer for this job. We have your wife tied up in that closet over there. If you kill ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pair of twins with dwarfism go out for a night of drinking...

...They get to the bar and see this beautiful set of blonde twins with huge breasts sitting at a table. They approach the ladies and ask if they can buy them a drink. The ladies accept and thy drink all night together.

When the bar closes the brothers ask the ladies to go back to their respec...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This dude dies and arrives at the Pearly Gates.

St. Peter sees him show up and says “Holy shit, you’re the first person that’s ever come up here that’s exactly at 50% good and 50% evil. Not sure if I should send you to Heaven or Hell. This is crazy. Tell you what, since you’re exactly even I’m gonna let you choose”.

The dude says “Oh, wow...

A man was being chased by a casket as he returned home late at night....

Desperate, he rushed into the bathroom that no one in the house ever uses and slammed the door shut.

As the thumping of the casket trying to break through the door echoed through the rather empty bathroom, the man frantically searched the place for something he can fight the casket with, howe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There were 3 men.

There were 3 men who grew up together in a small town Jim, George, and Jerry. They were known for the quirks, Jim being a fire bug, George being a nature lover, and Jerry being a deep sea diver. One day Jerry happens upon a bottle with a note on it along the coast. He rushed to show his friends hi...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three women are near completing their CIA Academy training...

A white girl, a black girl, and a native American girl. The three must each pass a final test. Each is told that their husband is a foreign secret agent, and that they must kill their respective spouses to prove their loyalty. The white woman first is handed a pistol and enters the room wher...

It’s a beautiful day on the golf course

A man, mid 40s, white polo shirt, is lining up for his shot on the 10th hole. Just as he enters his backswing a voice comes over the loudspeaker from the clubhouse-
“Will the gentleman in the ladies’ tee-box on hole 10 please move back to the men’s tee-box”

Backswing interrupted, the man s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A heartwarming story from the war

A boy is walking his dog in an English park when it chases a duck into the river and gets into difficulties. The boy stands on the riverbank screaming for help and crying in panic, when a German PoW on a work detail in a field sees what is happening. "Hey, Tommy, I go help?" he calls out to the guar...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old married couple are sitting on their porch one morning...

...when suddenly the old lady lashes out with her cane and hits her husband on the knee.

"Ow! What'd ya do that for?" He asked.

"That's for 60 years of bad sex!"

He stewed in silence a few moments, rubbing his knee. All of a sudden he took his cane and thumped his wife on her kn...

A man was walking down a dark street...

A man was walking down a dark street, suddenly he heard a thump behind him. It was an open coffin.

The man started running, frantically trying to get away from the coffin, still it kept coming.

He ran to his car got in and sped off. Thinking he was safe, he ran into his house and locke...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once a competition involving three gruelling tasks.

The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:

1)Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go.

2)Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.

3)And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.

Many peop...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village.

Hagan pissed off everyone in his Viking village. One day, the villagers were fed up with his rotten behavior. They grabbed their pitchforks and sickles and ran up the hill to kill the bastard. They get to his house but it’s all locked up. They try peeking in the windows but can’t see a thing. T...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two construction workers were on a construction site

One of them is working on the ground before the building and the other one is up in the highest floor.
The one on the ground yells at the upper one that he needs the saw which the upper worker is using.
But the upper worker tells him in sign language that he can‘t hear him down there.
So th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pope goes into a steakhouse

A waiter immediately rushes up to him, but before he can say anything the Pope holds up his hand. "Please," says the Pope, "no fuss. I just wanted to slip away for a few hours and enjoy some good food." And the waiter gives him a nod and says, "No problem, let's find you a quiet seat at the back whe...

[Long Joke] A newlywed couple wanted to go on their honeymoon...

but both of them being very busy at their jobs, they got a call to have emergency meetings at different places of the country. They decided that they will make arrangements for the resort at Africa for them to reach there after their meetings. However, the husband's meeting was planned to end one da...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A tale of two brothers

There were two dwarfs who decided to visit the city one night. They were twin brothers from a remote country town, and had decided to go out and celebrate their 21st birthday.

After some drinks and a nice dinner out, they were walking to the bus stop to go home, when they passed by a brothel....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

BEER CHALLENGE [NSFW]

A guy walks in a bar and reads on a sign:"10 liters of beer for free if you pass our challenge".

Curious,the man asks the bartender about this challenge, and the bartender says:"Well,first you'll have to drink hal a liter of Tequila without breathing,then you'll have to go in the backyard.The...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Oh.. those Marines!

*A Marine walks into a bar and notices a Jar on the counter top with money in it.*

**Marine**: "This is new, what's it for?"

**Bartender**: "Its for our weekly challenge"

**Marine**: "Oh I love challenges, what is it for this week?"

**Bartender**: "Oh this one is a specia...

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An intimidating cowboy rides into town on his horse...

This badass cowboy is riding a horse, alone, armed to the teeth, through the desert and comes across a wild west bar.

He hitches his horse and walks in...his boots thumping the floor. The room goes silent. This a guy no one wants to fuck with.

He sits right between two men by the bar, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A celebate man was about to get married...

He had been "saving himself" for marriage, and had never watched pornography or had any remotely sexual encounters. He was incredibly nervous about being able to perform on his wedding night, and went to his best man to talk about it.

His best man tried to give him a pep talk, but ultimately...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Pickled Penis

An attractive young lady had recently lost her husband to illness, and while she wasn’t ready to engage in another relationship quite yet, she was certainly missing sex. So, to fill this need, she decided to visit a sex shop and purchase a toy.

As she has never in her life used a toy, she ask...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So there is an elite team being put together for a government agency...

This is a once in a lifetime opportunity. And the ONLY requirements are you have to be married, you cant have any children, and you must have a law enforcement/military background. So police officers and ex military from all parts of the state start lining up and fighting for the position. And after...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Steve and Jason have their car break down on a deserted country road. [NSFW]

It’s late at night, there is no cell reception and they see only one house for miles surrounded by corn fields so they walk over and ring the doorbell. A disgusting old, wrinkly lady answers the door and asks them what they want.

“Our car broke down and we need to call a tow truck but we don’...

A compass, a cough drop, and a match.

As a Boy Scout, we would camp a lot and go on hikes.


One night, we had to do a night hike, alone, for a merit badge. I had left the campsite about an hour earlier and a terrible storm rolled in. The sky opened up and the ground was quickly saturated. I tried to continue my hike for anothe...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Golf genie

In this tall tale reminiscent of the 1001 Arabian Nights, Across the seven Seas and the seven Mountains and the seven Rivers; We find a typical suburban couple playing golf.

The man is teaching his wife to play golf, and she pulls off a very powerful shot, however, in the completely unintende...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.