UPJOKE
runleechguthemorrhagebleedingdischargeextortbloodsuckhemorrhagingbreathenosebloodstreamripswelling

I'm AMERICAN and I BLEED red, white and blue!

I really should see a doctor about it, but I can't afford the copay.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

Half a cat.

What has two legs and bleeds profusely?

A blue collar worker in an industrial accident.

How do you make an orphans hands bleed

Tell them to clap until their parents come home

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3 stoners buy a horse

They go home with the horse and make it stay in the living room.

One of the friends pull out a bong and they all take hits until they're stoned.

While stoned they come up with an idea to have fun with the horse.

They attach a feeding muzzle onto the horse and funnel in smoke fro...

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Napoleon wore a red shirt so no one could see him bleed if he was shot.

Hitler wore brown pants

so there was this rich man and he was throwing a party and he invites all the people in town including the only redneck, Killroy

They were have a great time at this party.. watching the game, drinking beer and bbqing. Then the rich man announces on his loud speaker "Ladies and gentleman, i have a 30 ft man-eating alligator in my pool. Whoever's brave enough to jump into the pool and kill the gator I'll give them 1 million dol...

I’m a proud American! I bleed red white and blue

because I can’t afford to go to the hospital and find out what the hell is wrong with me!

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

The year is 1941...

A Russian general is arguing with a Finnish general about who has the better army.

The Finnish general says, I'll bet you one Finnish soldier can beat ten Russian soldiers easily!

So the Russian general sends ten men over to a nearby hill, where they saw one Finnish soldier. There's so...

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A man walks into a bar, notices a very large jar on the counter and sees that it's filled to the brim with $10 bills.

He guesses there must be at least ten thousand dollars in it. He approaches the bartender and asks, "What's with the money in the jar?"
"Well..., you pay $10, and if you pass three tests, you get all the money in the jar and the keys to a brand new Lexus"
The man certainly isn't going to pas...

A blonde was flossing her teeth

when her gums started bleeding.


“Thank God, safe for another month!”

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the sq...

What’s the difference between women and wizards?

One gets wet without water, bleeds without being injured, make boneless things hard and bring new souls into the world from a portal, and the other is an old man with a hat.

A woman screamed at me when she saw me bleeding

Turns out she was a real hemophobe

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The Russians are getting so low on guns in the Ukraine invasion that Ivan was given a broomstick with a banana tied to it instead.

What am I supposed to do with this he asked his CO? Don't be ungrateful for what glorious Mother Russia has given you he answered, just point it at the enemy and say "Bangety Bang Bang". OK, I guess I can try that Ivan said, what's the banana for though? That's a bayonet you stupid ass said the CO, ...

I once put ketchup up my nose to emulate a bad nose bleed.

It was a bad idea in Heinz-sight.

What bleeds once a month in the mouth?

Me, when I remember to floss once a month.

My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure.

So I told him if he didn't stop bleeding right away, he'd die.

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March is women’s history month.

It’s also bleeding disorder awareness month, and I think that’s kinda fucked up.

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Two Irishmen met in a pub...

Two Irishmen meet in a pub, and in a slur one says to the other, "I'm thinking I ought to know ye."

The other replied, "You've got a familiar face, where ye be from?"

"I be from County Cork."

"Well I'll be dipped! I be from County Cork too, from Middleton!"

"Middleton?! I...

Last night, I watched a TV show about a girl who was bleeding uncontrollably.

It was a period drama.

Someone arrived at the hospital bleeding profusely. He saw a preson donating blood.

He said "I hope that preson is a type O."

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The crusty Navy Master Chief noticed a new face and barked at him, "Get over here! What's your name, sailor?" "John," the new seaman replied.

"Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart pansy crap they're teaching sailors in boot camp these days, but I don't call anyone by his first name," the Master Chief scowled.

"It breeds familiarity, and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last names only...

A Priest, a Rabbi and an Imam are discussing who's religion most easily creates new converts. After 2 days they decide that whoever can convert a bear to their faith fully would win and they would return 24 hrs later .....

The Priest and the Imam are back first, the Priest proclaims to have held a discussion with a bear and it would be attending his church next week.

The Imam says he too held a discussion with a bear, but it will be in the mosque tomorrow to begin studying for it's new faith.

After a whi...

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So this guy applied to leave the USSR. Part of the process was random police searches for anti soviet material. Unfortunately for him, he had a parrot that would curse Stalin in language that would make a sailor’s ears bleed.

One day he hears a knock on the door. The loud rapping of the KGB. Thinking quickly, he grabs the parrot and stuffs him in the freezer where he was hoarding a frozen chicken. The KGB do their inspection and leave with a grunt of approval. Once they leave he gets the half frozen parrot out and thaws ...

A European is visiting USA

and an American says "hey, your foot... "

European cuts him midway "oh you Americans and your lack of knowledge of the units whole world uses. It's not foot, it's meter"

American says "your meter is bleeding"

What did the flirty paramedic say to the bleeding woman?

“Hey girl, what’s your type?”

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The best joke I’ve ever heard which never fails to make me smile whenever I remember it.(NSFW)

Three explorers get lost in a huge jungle. After wandering around for days, they are found and captured by a jungle tribe. The tribesmen take the explorers to their leader and drop them at his feet. The chieftain looks at them for a moment and says, “ The three of you will die unless you manage to d...

Two psychiatrists are taking a walk and happen upon a person lying bleeding from a stab wound.

One of them says to the other, "The person who did this really needs our help".

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My doctor gave me 6 months, so I shot him.

## The judge gave me 60 years!


 

 

 


### My (other) favorite one liners:

1. I’ve had amnesia for as long as I can remember.

1. What do you call a cheap circumcision? A ripoff.

1. French tanks have five rever...

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So I was having really rough sex with my girlfriend the other day and she started bleeding...

And I told her that she'd better get used to it, because in a couple of years she's going to be bleeding every month.

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The blood of virgins

A guy walks into his regular bar and loudly orders a round for the entire bar. "Drink up! For tonight I have bathed in the blood of virgins!" he loudly proclaims. "So, had another nose bleed while you were in the shower today, huh?" the bartender asks.

What do you call a left leaning pirate with scurvy?

A bleeding-gum liberal

[NSFW] I know that it is your first time, so try to relax. Be open. Let me know if it hurts. It might bleed and that's totally fine. Let me know if you want me to pull it out. And above all...

...trust your dentist.

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A heavily injured man is laying bleeding in the floor.

Two rookie paramedics, Jay and Bill, are the first responders and rush to his side.

"Shit, there's so much blood, what do we do?" Says Jay.

"I don't know, I've never done this in practice before, I've only ever went by the book." Bill replies.

"Well, what does it say in the boo...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

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What do you call a british man who bleeds when he faps

A Bloody Wanker

What do you call a confederate that's bleeding out?

A rebel without a gauze

Russia is invading Finland

During the invasion a Russian general and his troops come to a hill.

They hear a voice shouting: "One Fin can beat ten Russians!"

The general laughs about it and sends ten of his troops to go kill whoever is on the other side of the hill. There is alot of noise and shooting and after ...

What do you say to someone who stopped bleeding?

Coagulations

An Australian rugby fan, a South African rugby fan and a New Zealand rugby fan are all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of booze...

...when Saudi police rush in and arrest them.


The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for consuming the booze they are all sentenced to death. However, after many months and with the help of good lawyers, they are able successfully to appeal their sentence...

I felt like my nose was bleeding.

But after checking, it’snot.

A bystander offered to give a bleeding man some blood.

When the EMTs asked him if he was sure his blood was compatible, he replied,

"O, positive."

As a man, I bleed once a month too.

When I floss.

A pirate’s pants

There was a pirate captain who would ask his lieutenant to bring his red trousers whenever an enemy vessel was sighted and battle would ensue.

One day his lieutenant asked him “captain, why do you always wear your red trouser to battle?”
To which the old ruffian replied “So that when I b...

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Clever Monkey and the Mighty Lion

One day, Clever Monkey was swinging through the canopy, leaping with great agility from branch to vine. Watch him as he swings and capers, the joy in his eyes, his monkey smile. Surely he was the fastest, smartest and perhaps the HAPPIEST of all the animals in the Kingdom.

As he capered abo...

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A classic joke from my childhood.

There is the private in the army. On the day before he was about to be sent to the front lines, he has to visit the quartermasters and get issued his weapons.

Unfortunately, he overslept and ended up being very last in line. When he finally made it to the desk, the gun master regretted to inf...

“Get me my Red Shirt"!

A navy captain is alerted by his First Mate that there is a pirate ship coming towards his position. He asks a sailor to get him his red shirt.

The captain was asked, “Why do you need a red shirt?”

The Captain replies, “So that when I bleed, you guys don’t notice and aren’s discouraged...

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A mental patient who believes that he is dead in the mental hospital where he is admitted

Therefore does not eat and does not participate in any vital activities, could not be convinced that he is not dead despite all the efforts made by all expert psychiatrists.

One of the psychiatrists, who understands that the patient will not give up on this decision and undertakes his treatme...

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"Excuse me sir, does your dog bite?"

"Naw, he never bites. He's very sweet."

"Aw, who's a good boy? Who's ... OW! UGH, SHIT! I'm BLEEDING! YOU SAID YOUR DOG NEVER BITES!!"

"That ain't my dog."

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So these three friends went to a park to enjoy their Sunday.

Jim, Tim and Maximilian found a place near a tree to settle down and lay out their stuff. They'd been through a hectic week and they deserved this break, particularly Tim, who had been through the most. So they pulled out their drinks and lay it on the mat, and set up their radio to play some relaxi...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

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A man comes running to the doctors one day.

"Doctor doctor my ass hurts like hell and I think it's bleeding" the man says, The doctor says "well what happen". The man starts talking and saying how he was taking a shit and it wouldn't come out so I pushed and pushed and pop it came out and in that time I jumped up and shouted ahh my ass and I ...

A guy named Jean has been out drinking

Jean has had a few drinks and is pulled over by a police officer thirty minutes into his drive home from the bar.

The police officer says to Jean: “Sir, I’m going to need you to take a breathalyser test.”

Jean replies: “I can’t.”

Officer: “Why not?”

Jean: “I’m asthmatic....

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Old Farmer On His Death Bed

An old farmer was lying on his death bed, his doting, loyal wife by his side, holding his hand.

"You've always been there for me. Remember when we were courting, my car's handbrake failed and I broke my leg? You were there.

"And remember when I sliced off three of my fingers with the ...

One way to start the day.

I was washing my face this morning when I noticed that one of my nostrils was bleeding. It could be the sign of a heat stroke or third-stage lung cancer. Who nose.

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Jesus Christ is dying on the cross.....

His disciples are gathered around, crying. Peter looks up and notices that Jesus seems to be calling him, “Peter, come hither!”

Immediately Peter rushes over to the cross, only to be hit severely over the head by the roman guard. He gets on his feet again and wants to return to the other disc...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

Got my second shot today

Even after bleeding in captivity for hours, articulately begging the enemy soldiers to spare me.

Jerry Clower joke (Uncle Vercy`s Trial)

Since I couldn't find this joke in text form anywhere I took the time to type it out myself lol (No Spell Check)

Flew from Los Angeles California to Des Moines did a show there in the civic center. Then to Minneapolis Minnesota, Its 28 Degrees below 0 I slept between the mattresses. Then I l...

Does your Dog bite?

A man walks in and sits at the Bar.
he looks around the room and notices a bloke sitting at the other end of the Bar with a massive dog sitting on the seat next to him.
He walks over and says "Jees, that's gotta be the biggest Dog I've ever seen" the bloke nods in agreement.
He then asks "...

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This pasta has AoT level writing, by the time you get to the last line everything you previously read will get whole new meaning. Enjoy

.

>!gf is prego!<

>!we like to get kinky anyways!<

>!one night things get particularly saucy!<

>!i'm sticking my noodle in her when I notice weird fucking chunks coming out, so I turn on the lights!<

>!wtf it's red everywhere and she's ob...

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

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