What do you get when you combine a group of crows, a Hitman, and a chicken?

A murder most fowl.

What do you call a hitman who targets babies in hospitals?

A spawn camper.

A man named Ralph decides that he can’t stand his wife any longer, and decides to hire a hitman.

He checks the newspaper one morning and sees an ad that says, “Get any job done for $1.” Ralph excitedly calls the number from the ad, and a man answers.

Man: “Hello, this is Artie. How can I help you?”

Ralph: “Hi there, I saw your ad in the paper and was wondering if you could help m...

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A woman discovers her husband has been cheating on her. She immediately hires a hitman to enact revenge...

Upon meeting the hitman she explains through her rage that she wants the hitman to shoot the woman with whom her husband was cheating in the head. Wanting her husband to suffer, she tells the hitman not to kill him, but to shoot him in his groin.

That evening, knowing her husband will be meet...

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A golfer went to the golf course to get away from his nagging wife.

When he arrived at the golf course, he saw a man with a giant sniper rifle.

"why are you carrying a rifle around?"
he asked.

"oh, I'm a hitman. you want anybody dead? 1000 bucks a shot!" the gunman replied. "look through this scope, you can see the whole town from here!"

the ...

What's a hitman's secret to a happy marriage?

He always takes out the trash, no questions asked.

I want to become a hitman

but I heard the competition is killing.

A hitman beats a cow to death in a ricefield using two small porcelain figures.

Police admit this is the first known case of a knick-knack paddy whack.

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A Man hires a hitman to kill his wife of 40 years

“I’ll shoot her just below the left tit, It’ll be a quick kill” the hitman said

“I want her dead not fucking kneecapped”

The hitman

Me: The jobs done.

Boss: Did you pick up the cash?

Me: I was supposed to?

Boss: *sigh* That ain’t how mafia work.

Vinny the Hitman's birthday

On his birthday, Vinny, a professional hitman, is getting ready to go out, when suddenly, a large group of mobsters shows up at hist front door.


"Vinny," say the mobsters, "it's your birthday. Come on, we've booked you an entire restaurant. Let's go."


"Oh my god guys," says Vin...

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A man hired a hitman

"my wife is cheating on me, I saw her going to a motel nearby" says the man

They went to a building next to the motel, the Hitman took his rifle and asked the man: how much will you pay me for this?

"I'll give you $4000 if you put a bullet in her head and another one on his dick"
...

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The Hitman

A man got word that his wife was cheating on him with one of her work colleagues.
After a little investigating, he found this to be true. They met up every Thursday afternoon in a hotel.

The man was heartbroken.
So much so, that he decided both her and her new man had to go, they had ...

A hitman was being questioned by the police...

"Do I understand this clearly", asked the officer in charge of the questioning, "You only took contracts from celebrities?".

"Yes, that is correct" answered the hitman.

"Why would you do that? Your records say you were building a career and seemed to have everything in order, but then ...

What did the long-suffering hitman say to his over-bearing wife?

I missed you.

Why did Angelina Jolie hire a hitman to kill her?

Because her family wouldn't have handled the youth in Asia.

Hear about the half-assed hitman?

He assinated people.

Why did the hitman have such a hard time getting married?

No witnesses.

I don’t get why people don’t see being a hitman as a valid job,

I mean, they make a killing off of it.

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Three guys go out to play golf

Just as they are teeing off, a lone player asks if he could join and make the group a four-some. After a couple of holes one of the golfers asks the mysterious man "so what you do for a living?" to which the loner replies "Me? I'm a hitman."

At first the other men were skeptical, but then th...

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A mobster comes home early to find a strange car in his driveway. NSFW

He sneaks into the house and up to his bedroom where he hears his wife having sex with another guy. Furiously he leaves without interrupting them and calls his best hitman over. He tells him "I'll give you $1000 to shoot her in the head and another $1000 to shoot him in the dick." The mobster waits ...

Notorious hitman finally captured!

Convicted hit man Jimmy 'Two-Shoes' McClarty confessed today that he was once hired to beat a cow to death in a rice field using only two small porcelain figures. Police admit this may be the first known case of a knickknack paddy-whack

Did you hear about that guy who got killed in a rice field by a hitman with a porcelain doll?

Police are saying it's the first known case of a knick-knack-paddy-wack.

My ex always used to annoy me by saying I have terrible aim for a hitman.

I miss her.

My friend recently started a career as a hitman...

I hear he's making a killing.

The CIA was recruiting a new hitman...[Adult]

... and had 3 preferencial candidates, a french guy, a british guy and a portuguese guy.

They all had the same final test, which was to kill their wives with a handgun.

First one was the french. He immediatly refused, saying he could never kill his beloved wife.

Next was the br...

Have you heard the one about the single lady and the hitman?

probably not, the punchline is a dead miss.

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A man wants to kill his wife

So he makes some discreet enquiries, and learns of a hitman who goes only by the name of Arthur. He contacts him, and they agree on a price of £1, which is paid up front. The man tells Arthur that his wife shops at Tesco on Saturday mornings.
That Saturday, Arthur goes to the Tesco, sees his mar...

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Three candidates for a job as CIA hitman,
First one is told, “ your wife is tied to a chair in that room, you have to take this pistol and kill her”
After two minutes, he comes out the room saying “I couldn’t do it “. The trainer tells him “if you can’t kill your wife, you can’t be a CIA hit...

The Spanish assassin

There was once a hitman who was known for his skill and stealth. Nobody really knew his identity, except for the fact that he always used to count to three before shooting his victim.

One time, a mob leader wanted a hit on a rival leader, so he hired him. He said "I want the kill to be clean,...

Hitman

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary and then arranging to have her killed.

A "friend of a friend" put him in touch with a nefa...

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My pay as you go phone

My friend was always taking the piss out of me when I got my pay as you go phone

“You’ve got a pay as you go phone, you’ve got a pay as you go phone”

I got really sick after a week of this, so I decided to take out a contract


Two days later the hitman got back to me to tell ...

My wife said she wanted to take me out.

But she couldn't find a hitman

Two men are in a pub...

“I want to kill my wife”, says one. “Why not ask Arti, over there”, says the other man, pointing to a man at the fruit-machine. “Arti over there is a top hitman” the friend goes on. So the man approaches Arti. “Are you Arti the hitman?” asks the man. “Sure am”, replies Arti. “You couldn’t murder my ...

It was hard to come to terms with the death of my wife.

But eventually the hitman and I agreed on a fee.

The Murder at Walmart

There was a married man who was coming to poor terms with his wife and he decided a divorce was too troublesome so he was going to have to kill her. He also decided to get a large life insurance plan that would give him $500,000 after she was killed. However he didn’t want to do it himself, so he as...

The mob boss sends two of his men to kill a gangster...

They park outside his house half an hour before his expected return, check their guns, and wait. Half an hour later, the gangster's not there. They keep waiting in silence, an hour passes - and he's not there. Time passes, and the target is still not home. Finally, one of the hitmen looks at the wat...

So the church is losing money...

...and the friars decide that they need a new income source. To do this, they set up a flower stand, and do a pretty good business selling flowers in the small village. Unfortunately, there is another floral store that is losing business because of the friars. So, they go talk to the friars, telling...

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A man who thinks his wife might be cheating on him hires a hit-man..

...The hit-man says it will cost $5000. The man says that's fine but he wants to watch. The hit-man agrees so they find a spot on a nearby roof and wait for the wife to get home.

Eventually the wife comes home and she's with a guy.
The husband is furious but still not sure if she is cheat...

A group of criminals are in jail....

They sit down for lunch with their disgusting food and talk. They talk about how they got arrested and what they used to be. Guy One says,"I was a ladder salesman, I got arrested for robbing a bank." Guy Two says,"I was a drug dealer, you know the rest." Guy Three says,"I was a hitman, I got arreste...

I told my ex I felt like killing her, and she said I needed professional help.

I told her I don't have the money to hire a hitman.

I asked my wife to take out the trash, and she said, "I'd sooner die. Find someone else to do your dirty work."

Can anyone recommend a good hitman?

Big Artie

There once was a Hitman named Big Artie.

Things were tough in the Underworld at thew time, what with the Financial Crisis lately and such, the market hasn't been kind to his business. Because of this, he decides that he needs to put down the prices - It's been months since he'd had a job and ...

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2 guys get paired up on a golf course...

after a few holes of not talking to each other, Tom decides to break the Ice.

Tom: Probably should of introduced my self before we started golfing. I'm Tom, nice to meet you.

Michael: Michael, nice to meet you too.

Tom: So, Michael... What do you do for a living?

Michael:...

I got arrested for following my dream.

The owner of that Ferrari thought I was a hitman shading him.

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Lil' Arty

After being married to a total bitch for nearly 35 years, Steve decided enough was enough. He knew that she would never grant him a divorce, being the bitch she was, so Steve decided to take matters into his own hands put an end to his wife, Permanently! Of course, Steve didn’t want the blame placed...

People have always told me, "Shoot for the stars"

So I became a celebrity hitman

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