UPJOKE
freakdemondevilgiantogrefiendzombiefrankensteinwerewolfhorrormutantcreaturedragonsuperherogoliath

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

Why don’t monsters eat ghosts?

They taste like sheet

Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

What's the british sea monster's favorite food?

Fish and ships

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

A monster party

To celebrate Halloween, the classic Halloween monsters decided to throw a party. At full swing, some of the monsters decided to have a drink and sit down.

The werewolf said, “I can’t believe everyone came!”

Dracula chuckled and said, “Yes, this is a good party.”

Frankenstein’s m...

How does Sully from Monsters Inc. get into his home ?

A Mike Wahousekey

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

Did you hear they caught the monster that was under my bed?

He was under a rest

Frankenstein's monster went to a party

The Bride asks him if he wants to dance, but the monster declines. She asks him if he has Two Left Feet, and he confirms it. "It's not my fault. The Doctor couldn't find a right foot for me."

Did you hear that the next season of Stranger Things will be shot in Australia?

The kids have to defeat a monster from the Right Way Up.

My 6 year old daughter has been complaining about monsters under her bed for ages.

It seemed cute and funny at the beginning but it's been twenty minutes now, and I'm wondering if I should just crawl out already.

Are Monsters good at math?

Not unless you *Count* Dracula.

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

What has 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper

I tried to convince my friend I saw a snow monster for the second time today

Yeti still didn’t believe me

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

When your'e running late searching for a missing sea monster

Let's get a crack-a-lackin' on the kraken-lackin'!

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Have you heard the joke about the sea monster?

It’s kraken people up.

Giant Beast…

Two hunters were out in the woods and got lost. After a while they decided they were going to have to make camp for the night. While looking for a place to settle down the came across a giant green monster. After a struggle they manage to kill the beast.

A bit of time by and one of them says...

Hang-glider

Here in Kentucky, you don't see too many people hang-gliding.

Ol' Zeek decided to save up and get a hang-glider. He takes it to the highest mountain, and after struggling to the top, he gets ready to take flight.

He takes off running and reaches the edge--into the wind he goes!
<...

How do you give a monster a tattoo?

With Monster's Ink!

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

Atheist fishing

One day, an atheist man was out fishing in a boat on Loch Ness.

After a few hours sitting in the middle of the lake, the boat shook hard and Nessie suddenly appeared from underneath.

Within a few seconds, the boat was destroyed and the was in the air, above the open jaws of the monster...

Jack is hosting a halloween costume party

Jack is hosting a Halloween costume party. He sends invitations to every one of his friends. He prepares excellent food, hires a band for music, sets up the tables and furniture, et cetera.

Then the big day comes. All of Jack’s friends come dressed in their finest costumes. Frankenstein’s Mon...

What has a 128 teeth and holding back a monster?

'My Zipper'

I plugged in a nightlight to deal with the monster under the bed.

Tonight it's reading Pet Sematary.

There was a mixup with the organisation of the Monster Mash this year

Attendees said it was a freak event

What do you call an alcoholic Doctor Who monster?

A Ciderman

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

Few people knew about Albert Einstein’s older brother Frank

He was a total monster.

What day did the Loch Ness Monster get married?

Wednesday

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

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A Joke Walks into a Bar. [OC]

A Joke walks into a bar and the Bartender says "Wait... this isn't right."

The Joke says "Listen, quickly! I have little time to explain! You and I are but characters living in a hypothetical reality, being puppeteered by some inconceivable monster telling a joke! It's not even a good joke ei...

What kind of monster is the best dancer?

The boogieman

I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but

Others are definitely going to call ne a nomster

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Why is it hard to tell if monsters are gay?

Because they are in the closet

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

Fear

Joe has been seeing a psychoanalyst for four years for treatment of the fear that he had monsters under his bed. It had been years since he had gotten a good night's sleep.
Furthermore, his progress was very poor, and he knew it. So, one day he stops seeing the psychoanalyst and decides to try s...

Xhyr'noth the defiler, an ancient cosmic horror, decides to visit earth to go pub crawling through the US.

In the first state everyone at the pub runs off in terror. As the humanoid looking abomination filled with eyes and tentacles warps in and orders a beer. The police and military is informed but doesn't know what to do yet. The bartender doesn't care because he has suicidal depression and rather stri...

My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom.

So I switched them out for red bull.

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

What do you call a city full of monsters?

Monstrocity

What we call a monster we can't find?

Wherewolf.

Which monster loves April Fools jokes

Pranken-stein!

How do monsters tell their fortune?

They read their horror-scopes.

Did you know the ancient Egyptians watched monster movies?

Moth-Ra was their favorite. (Yes, I am a dad)

Son: “Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!”

Dad: “Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed”

What does a German-Italian call the flying spaghetti monster?

Oh manigott !

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

Please help, my dog keeps turning into an eldritch monster at random times.

I think he has Nyarlathotepsy.

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!

Hunter: You have my bow!

Warrior: And my axe!

Mage: And my staff!

Necromancer: And your dead brother!

I once donated a kidney and everyone said I was so selfless and that I was a hero.

Later that month I donated three more and all of a sudden I'm some kind of psychopathic monster and now the police are involved.

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

Albert Einstein was a genius and worthy of praise and study.

On the other hand, His brother Frank was an absolute monster.

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

Why is the Loch Ness Monster subscribed to r/gonewild?

For the free-tiddy.

Asked a mate about the Flying Spaghetti Monster

He said Well, it boils down to this

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

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I really wish I had a 7 inch penis......

Instead of this monster!

What search engine do spooky monsters use?

Ghoul ghoul.

What's the difference between a werewolf and and a mundane woman?

One of them turns into a horrific uncontrollable rage monster for a specific time every month and the other one looks like a wolf.

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

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NSFW A cucumber a pickle and a penis are chatting

About how hard life is.

The cucumber says you both got it easy they chop me up and put me in salads.

The pickle pipes up and says no way, my life is way harder I was once big and strong like you cucumber, but I've been drowned in a jar of vinigar until I shrivel up and become this mo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My 4 year old told me this today: What do you call a monster with poop on its head?

Mad.

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

Zom-bae

(... I'll leave now.)

Why would you think a show about children and monsters is weird?

Honestly, I've seen stranger things

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

Why didn't Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?

Because he just didn't have the guts to do it again.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

What monster fits on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman!

why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold?

Achoopacabra

Nintendo is making a new game about gambling monsters.

It's called Pokermon.

What did the monster eat right after their teeth cleaning?

The dentist.

What do you call a monster with a hot dog in his beer mug?

Frank-in-stein

What do doctors say when they see a patient acting like a monster?

"It's morphine time!"

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My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,

"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

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A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time

A young man is meeting his girlfriend's parents for the first time. They're sitting in the living room chatting when he realizes that he really needs to fart. It's so bad that he's in extreme pain. Finally, he can't help it. He lifts one cheek and let's out a squeeker. "Spot" the father yells lookin...

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

Is the Demigorgon the weirdest Sci-Fi monster?

Could be; I haven’t seen stranger things

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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

What did the rust monster say after spilling someone's drink?

"I'm so sorry, it was an oxidant"

What were the monster's first words after Dr. Franksenstein brought him back to life after sewing together different body parts?

Thanks for re-membering me.

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

Why are monsters hipsters?

Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

A guy walks into a bar, pulls up a seat, and orders his favorite drink.

In the bar there's a group of gorgeous blond ladies who are having a bit of a celebration. "TWENTY-SIX DAYS! TWENTY-SIX DAYS!" they shout as they're knocking back drink after drink.

This goes on for some time. The ladies are getting more and more intoxicated, "TW..TWENNNTTTY-SIX DAYYYYS.... &...

What do witchers do when they're not busy killing monsters?

They kill time

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

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