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I have some news for you guys. My Monster is Gay.

He just came out of the closet.

We all know Albert Einstein was a genius...

But his brother Frank was a monster!

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

All sea monsters jokes are...

Kraken me up

What do sea monsters eat?

Fish and ships!

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

What do you call a monster that eats memories

I forgot

What monster plays the most April Fool’s jokes?

Prankenstein!

Why does Frankenstein's monster have such a good sense of humor?

Because he's always in stitches!

What monster are miners scared of?

The canary wolf.

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A little girl looks into her closet and talks to the monster that lives in there.....

She asks him "Closet Monster, when are you ever going to come out of the closet?"
The monster replies "How many times must I tell you? I'm not gay!"

The flying spaghetti monster never died...

He pastaway.

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

What do You call a crowdfunding site for cannibalistic monsters?

Windigogo!

Dad, I can't sleep.

dad: "Why not?"

kid: "Do you see that monster under my bed?"

dad: [looks under bed] "OMG yes!"

kid: "Well, I drank the whole can!"

My company recently hired Frankenstein’s monster to run our HR department. He’s surprisingly good at it.

Turns out he’s a real people person.

A superhero arrives in a village.

The mayor of the village approaches him, clearly in distress. The superhero asks the mayor: "What's going on?". The mayor replies with: "We've got a monster nearby that's taking a virgin woman to eat every two days! Please, can you help us defeat it?". The superhero agrees and gets to work. Two week...

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...

His name was Frank

Why did the sea monster eat 6 ships full of potatoes?

Nobody can eat just one potato ship.

What do you call a monster that eats a lot?

A gobble-n
(Credit to my 7 y/o son)

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

People shouldn't be shamed for their kinks. Me, I get really turned on when someone smells like musty sweat and coal.

But I always get called a monster when I admit to being attracted to miners.

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

Zom-bae

(... I'll leave now.)

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If you have sex on Halloween, is it a monster mash or a graveyard smash?

Well it’s only a graveyard smash if she’s had a abortion

What did the Loch Ness monster call his baby?

The cute ness monster.

Where did Frankenstein go to get his tattoo done?

Monsters Ink

Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein is not the monster

SparkNotes is knowing that Frankenstein *is* the monster.

When the girls sing "They did the mash" and then the guy chimes in with "They did the *monster* mash"

That's wolfmansplaining

Is it okay to eat a lake monster's vegetables?

Not Nessie's celery.

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A man is sent to prison and as he enters his cell for the first time, a big burly tattooed monster of a man stares him down. As the gate closes behind him them the new cellmate gets up and says...

Cellmate: "So I just have one question for you. Do you want to be daddy or do you want to be mommy?"

The new prisoner thinks for a moment, and nervously musters up, "Uhhh... daddy?“

The cellmate smiles and tells him, "Good answer! Now, why don't you come on over here and suck mommy's d...

Told my boss my idea for a game where the user would steal an idol from a cave monster.

He told me to run with it.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, “the accidents,” but my wife insists on calling them our children.

My friend told me that there is no other job site than monster.com now a days..

I said INDEED

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

A Nun is very distraught...

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.

'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'

'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf w...

Two sea monsters are chillin’ in the ocean.

A ship full of potatoes sails by and the first sea monster gobbles it up. A second ship full of potatoes sails by and the monster gobbles that one up as well. After seeing this happen several more times the second sea monster turns to the first and says “Dude, what’s with you and these ships?”
...

I went to visit my old friend frankenstein's monster

as we were talking I said, "It's just uncanny, you have your mothers eyes."

he smiled and replied, "yes, but she didn't need them anymore"

While going to sleep, my roommate always says that there is a hideous monster under his bed.

We have a bunk bed.

Roses are red, monsters are green

Look in the mirror, you'll see what I mean

What's the difference between Frankenstein and The Cosby Show?

On the Cosby Show, he was both the doctor and the monster.

The government has covered up the existence of monsters for centuries...

The truth is kept under Loch and key.

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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

A worried husband calls the police, his wife is missing.

Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know...

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good internet privacy?

He always accepts the cookies.

Why do milk monsters walk weirdly?

Because they lactose.

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

A hunter had been out hunting bear all day, when he came across a fast flowing river.

The water was nice and cool, so he set his rifle down and began to splash water on his face to cool down from the many hours of hunting. The hunter looked up just a monster Grizzly Bear was charging at him full speed roaring like a freight train. Then about 20 yards out the hunter dropped to his kne...

A Greek guy walks into a tavern and sees two sea monsters arguing

"What's up with them?" he asks.

"Oh, that's scylla and charybdis."

"Are they usually this angry?"

"Yeah, but they're not violent. Just don't get between them."

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As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.

"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"

"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"

"What will it cost me doc?"

"Well we will have t...

Pokemon GO is a blatant ripoff of another popular app...

called Tinder, where you also swipe to find monsters in your area.

What time did the Monster eat the prime minister?

8PM

He Made A Monster

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective

I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

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What do you call it when Frankenstein's Monster gets a boner?

A reserrection.

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Everyone in Monsters Inc. is gay.

They're in the closet.

So I was just starting to play Harry Potter - Wizards Unite...

...and was walking down the street. I noticed a young lady at the bus stop was also playing, which sparked a small conversation. She was very cute, maybe in her early 20s. She was telling me all about the professions you can pick from because she just hit level six. I was only level four so it was e...

Why are monsters hipsters?

Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

On Einstein’s birthday, let us not forget about his brother.

Frank. He created a monster.

What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office?

"NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

Turns out there are TWO Loch Ness Monsters. One of them is quite mean, but the other actually gives away his forestry tools.

A little weird, sure, but it's always nice to see some random axe of Kind Ness.

People are hypocrites

My friend got called a hero for donating a kidney, but when I turn up to donate 10 they call me a monster!

Monsters under my bed

Ever since I was a child, I've always had a fear of someone under my bed at night so I went to a shrink and told him... "I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there is somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy." "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. ...

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TIFU by sleeping with a guy for the first time

I'm a 27 year old Lesbian, and I've always thought I'm just a lesbian. I figured it out when I was about 13, and since then I've never really been attracted to boys at all. I've never ever been interested in boys or having a relationship with one. I have many guy friends, but I've never been sexuall...

who do monsters buy their cookies from?

the ghoul scouts.

Hey! Did you hear about the monster with five legs?

His pants fit like a glove

Recycled ones. But love them. 36 Math jokes and puns

Beginner

1. Why was the fraction apprehensive about marrying the decimal?

Because he would have to convert.

2. Why do plants hate math?

It gives them square roots.

3. Why did the student get upset when his teacher called him average?

It was a mean thing to s...

What does the monster eat after checking his teeth

The dentist

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There's a homophobic monster under your bed...

That hates the monster in your closet.

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The Humble Tribs

A humble community of people, named the Tribs live at the foot of a mountain.

One day - after generations and generations of prosper at the foot of the mountain a monster appears at the top and tosses boulders down at the village - causing death, destruction and bewildering the Tribs.
...

how did Cookie Monster decide who'd win the oscars?

he went through all the nom-nom-nominations.

What do you get when you cross BBQ'ed pork with a gigantic sea monster?

Release the Kracklen!

A Rabbi is walking through the valley of Trid...

...as he makes his way through the waving grasses and scrub brush, he is amazed to see a giant standing over a brook that runs through the valley. As the rabbi watches in amazement, the giant swoops down, grabs one of the natives of the valley, and punts him off into the distance.

The rabbi c...

I saw a lake monster!!! He was walking up out of the water and onto the shore!!!

Littorally!!!

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A week at the gym

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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What is a homophobic child's worst nightmare?

A monster coming out of the closet!

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