What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

What's a sea monster's favourite food?

Fish and ships

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Are Monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

Happy Spooktober everyone.

Why don't monsters eat ghosts?

Because they taste like sheet.

I plugged in a nightlight to deal with the monster under the bed.

Tonight it's reading Pet Sematary.

There was a mixup with the organisation of the Monster Mash this year

Attendees said it was a freak event

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

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Why is it hard to tell if monsters are gay?

Because they are in the closet

What do sea monsters eat for dinner?

Fish and ships

What's a monster's favorite food?

Monsterella sticks, of course!

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

Everyone always talks about what a genius Albert Einstein was.

They never mention what a monster his brother Frank was.

Cookie Monster was so traumatized the other day.

He had nom flashbacks.

What day of the week do sea monsters get married?

Wednesday

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom.

So I switched them out for red bull.

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What do you call it when a caveman takes a monster shit

A blast from the past

How do monsters tell their fortune?

They read their horror-scopes.

What do you call an alcoholic Doctor Who monster?

A Ciderman

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

Frankenstiens divorce

Idk if you guys have heard the news, but Frankenstien is getting a divorce,.... apparently he couldn't take Mrs franenstiens moaning anymore,

He's said what tipped him over the edge was when they was having a Halloween get together with all the other monsters and Mrs frankenstien had set the...

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The Legend of the King Sperm

So one day, all the sperm in a guy’s nuts were having a meeting.

“We always wait for our moment to shine, our shot to glory land, to do our mission, but we get stopped by the latex barrier! We never get to fulfill our duty!”

Thousands of sperm moaned and complained.

“But today, ...

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I really wish I had a 7 inch penis......

Instead of this monster!

Last October, I was walking through the cemetery.

I came across a trash can where someone had thrown out their Kraft Halloween monster themed mac and cheese...

It was the mac.

It was the monster mac.

the monster mac

was in the graveyard trash.



Thanks mom for this more obscure one

Which monster loves April Fools jokes

Pranken-stein!

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

What kind of monster is the best dancer?

The boogieman

What do you call a city full of monsters?

Monstrocity

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What a fish…

So, one day a monk goes fishing. He walks out on the pier, throws that line out there nice and good, and lets it rest for a bit. BAM! Fish on! And man, is he fighting! Falling over, sliding across the pier, no good! Some good Samaritans decide to help. They prop him up, and fight that good fight! Be...

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An Old Joke

The year is 2120, and our story follows Joe McFlinch and his journey to overcome his inner demons. 'Who is Joe?', you may be wondering. Well, Joe is a cowardly 29 year old male. He has no special talents or skills, no hobbies, and most sadly, no friends. If I were to describe him as a dish, he would...

Did you know the ancient Egyptians watched monster movies?

Moth-Ra was their favorite. (Yes, I am a dad)

I switched my friends M and N keys

Some might call me a monster. But others may call me a nomster

What does a German-Italian call the flying spaghetti monster?

Oh manigott !

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My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,

"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

Son calls his Dad into the room.

Son says, "Dad there is a monster under my bed!" The Dad looks towards his own bedroom at his sleeping wife. Dad replies, "Enjoy it while you can. Pretty soon the monster will sleep beside you."

why is our blood dyed by sun monsters

it contains heliogoblin

Please help, my dog keeps turning into an eldritch monster at random times.

I think he has Nyarlathotepsy.

What will the Monster eat after the Dentist pulled out his teeth?

The Dentist

Halloween is strange

Halloween is the only time of year you can point out that someone's children are little monsters and not have them take offense.

At what point do mobsters become monsters?

The third letter

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

Why is the Loch Ness Monster subscribed to r/gonewild?

For the free-tiddy.

Why would you think a show about children and monsters is weird?

Honestly, I've seen stranger things

Son: “Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!”

Dad: “Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed”

A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!

Hunter: You have my bow!

Warrior: And my axe!

Mage: And my staff!

Necromancer: And your dead brother!

What search engine do spooky monsters use?

Ghoul ghoul.

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

A Halloween costume idea

A nurse walks into a bar and orders a beer. "Are you coming to our big Halloween party?" the bartender asks. "Yes, I've already planned my costume. I'm going to come as a horrible monster made entirely out of blood," the nurse says. "I'm going to be a hemogoblin."

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It's a shitty year for Halloween monsters

Real life has been a lot scarier

A 12 inch.....

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”...

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

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My 4 year old told me this today: What do you call a monster with poop on its head?

Mad.

Nintendo is making a new game about gambling monsters.

It's called Pokermon.

What we call a monster we can't find?

Wherewolf.

Asked a mate about the Flying Spaghetti Monster

He said Well, it boils down to this

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

What is James Hetfield's favourite energy drink ?

No idea, but it's probably Some Kind of Monster.

What monster fits on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman!

What do you get if you combine a monster and a boy scout?

A monster that can scare old ladies across the street!

What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold?

Achoopacabra

What do you call a monster with a hot dog in his beer mug?

Frank-in-stein

Why didn't Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?

Because he just didn't have the guts to do it again.

What do doctors say when they see a patient acting like a monster?

"It's morphine time!"

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

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The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

New bull on the farm

Three bulls on the farm. They were just working out divvying up the heifers (young female cows). The biggest claims 60 of the 100 heifers. The second one claims 30 and the smallest, a puny runt gets 10.

Just as they ironed out the details, a huge trailer rolls up and out walks a monster of a ...

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

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Which monsters are most fond of sex?

Skeletons; they're always down to bone

why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

What were the monster's first words after Dr. Franksenstein brought him back to life after sewing together different body parts?

Thanks for re-membering me.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror.

Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme par...

What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

What did the rust monster say after spilling someone's drink?

"I'm so sorry, it was an oxidant"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

All the scarers in monsters inc are gay

They're always coming out of closets

What's the first thing a monster eats after he's had his teeth checked ?

The dentist.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

What's the difference between a politician and a blobfish.

Ones a bottom-feeding monster and the others a fish

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

Zom-bae

(... I'll leave now.)

I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

What do witchers do when they're not busy killing monsters?

They kill time

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

Is the Demigorgon the weirdest Sci-Fi monster?

Could be; I haven’t seen stranger things

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

What is the smartest monster?

Frank-Einstein

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Why was Frankenstein's monster so pissed off?

You would be pissed too if your nuts were on your neck..

People think i'm a monster for only hunting pregnant deer

but doe taste better once it's bred.

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

What has 218 teeth an takes care that a monster stays locked?

The zipper of my pants.

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, “the accidents,” but my wife insists on calling them our children.

Why are monsters hipsters?

Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

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