UPJOKE
freakdemondevilgiantogrefiendzombiefrankensteinbogeymanwerewolfhorrormutantcreaturedragonsuperhero

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

I've seen aliens. I've seen Bigfoot. I've even fed a few fish to the Lochness Monster.

But I still have never seen a BMW driver use his turn signals.

What does the Loch Ness monster eat?

Fish and Ships

Hey, did you hear about that new giant monster that eats nuclear reactors?

It's on...



A plant based diet.

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I asked my doctor, "what happens if you take viagra with a monster?"

He said "You get scared stiff."

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A detachment of US Marines are conducting jungle warfare training in the Congo, and one night around the campfire, the Congolese troops they're training with tell the Marines the tale of a cave in the middle of the jungle, filled with golden treasure but guarded by a fearsome monster.

According to the local soldiers, the cave is filled with the treasures of an ancient African king, but a sorcerer used his arcane powers to create an unholy creature to guard it. She was formed from a mix of human, gorilla, chimpanzee, and baboon, and stands seven feet tall, enormously strong. She h...

Word on the Street is, Cookie Monster has COVID…

It's the Om nom nom nomicron variant.

Did you hear the Cookie Monster got Covid?

The CDC confirmed it was the om-nom-nom-nom-icron variant.




Edit: Thanks for the gold kind stranger!

Edit 2: Thank you everyone for the awards. Just trying to brighten everyone's day with a little joke. I hope this joke spreads far and wide....like Covid. Stay safe everybody...

Which monster is best at paying attention to a speech?

Mummies. They sit there rapt.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

How does a monster watch a scary movie?

It goes to a screaming service.

A monster party

To celebrate Halloween, the classic Halloween monsters decided to throw a party. At full swing, some of the monsters decided to have a drink and sit down.

The werewolf said, “I can’t believe everyone came!”

Dracula chuckled and said, “Yes, this is a good party.”

Frankenstein’s m...

Did you hear they caught the monster that was under my bed?

He was under a rest

Why did the sea monster eat five ships that were carrying potatoes?

No one can eat just one potato ship.

I tried to convince my friend I saw a snow monster for the second time today

Yeti still didn’t believe me

Frankenstein's monster went to a party

The Bride asks him if he wants to dance, but the monster declines. She asks him if he has Two Left Feet, and he confirms it. "It's not my fault. The Doctor couldn't find a right foot for me."

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair.

She lets out a sigh, heavy with frustration.


"What troubles you, Sister?" asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."


"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You k...

When your'e running late searching for a missing sea monster

Let's get a crack-a-lackin' on the kraken-lackin'!

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Classic Catholic Joke, “The Son of a Bitch”

I’ve been Catholic all of my life, and this is one of my favorite jokes of all time.

One of the parish priests from the Cathedral went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish & proceeded to reel it in.

The guide, holding a net, yelled, "Look at the ...

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

What do you call an alcoholic Doctor Who monster?

A Ciderman

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A man with a 25-inch long penis

goes to his doctor to complain that he is unable to get any women to have sex with him. They all tell him that his penis is too long.

"Doctor," he asks in total frustration, "Is there any way you can shorten it?"

The doctor replies, "Medically son, there is nothing I can do. But, I do...

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

What day did the Loch Ness Monster get married?

Wednesday

What kind of monster is the best dancer?

The boogieman

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

A stoner rubs a bong and a genie comes out, offering three wishes.

The stoner says, "ok for my first wish, I want a six inch joint." And poof! A joint appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"For my second wish, I want a 12 inch blunt!" And poof! A blunt appears and the stoner and genie sit down and smoke it together.

"Ok now ...

I plugged in a nightlight to deal with the monster under the bed.

Tonight it's reading Pet Sematary.

There was a mixup with the organisation of the Monster Mash this year

Attendees said it was a freak event

Son: “Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!”

Dad: “Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed”

Which monster loves April Fools jokes

Pranken-stein!

What's Cookie Monster's favourite Pink Floyd song?

Comfortably Nom nom nom nom.

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

What will the Monster eat after the Dentist pulled out his teeth?

The Dentist

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

Zom-bae

(... I'll leave now.)

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

Robot Bartender makes a great Martini

A guy goes into a bar, there's a robot bartender. The robot says, "What will you have?"
The guy says, "Martini."
The robot brings back the best martini ever and says to the man, "What's your IQ?"
The guy says, "168."
The robot then proceeds to talk about physics, climate change, and AI m...

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

An older man is finally able to leave the Soviet Union in the late 1980s for the first time in his life.

His wife and son have already left and settled in the States, and he's finally able to go and join them.

On his way out through the Soviet border, the guard looks through his luggage and finds a bust of Lenin.

"What is this?" he asks.

"Don't ask me *what* this is, ask me *who* ...

Did you know the ancient Egyptians watched monster movies?

Moth-Ra was their favorite. (Yes, I am a dad)

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What do Japanese monsters drink for vitamin C?

Kai-Juice!


(My mom came up with that one.)

Please help, my dog keeps turning into an eldritch monster at random times.

I think he has Nyarlathotepsy.

A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!

Hunter: You have my bow!

Warrior: And my axe!

Mage: And my staff!

Necromancer: And your dead brother!

What does a German-Italian call the flying spaghetti monster?

Oh manigott !

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

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The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

What do you get if you combine a monster and a boy scout?

A monster that can scare old ladies across the street!

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My 4 year old told me this today: What do you call a monster with poop on its head?

Mad.

What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold?

Achoopacabra

Why is the Loch Ness Monster subscribed to r/gonewild?

For the free-tiddy.

Asked a mate about the Flying Spaghetti Monster

He said Well, it boils down to this

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

Why didn't Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?

Because he just didn't have the guts to do it again.

What monster fits on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman!

What do doctors say when they see a patient acting like a monster?

"It's morphine time!"

why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

What did the rust monster say after spilling someone's drink?

"I'm so sorry, it was an oxidant"

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

I never understood how Dr. Frankenstein got overpowered by his monster...

... I mean, the guy was an amazing body builder.

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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

Is the Demigorgon the weirdest Sci-Fi monster?

Could be; I haven’t seen stranger things

This morning I came early to my office

And, I switched places of M's and N's on as many keyboards as I could.

Some people would say I am a monster but others would say nomster.

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What do you call it when Frankenstein's Monster gets a boner?

A reserrection.

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

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Why was Frankenstein's monster so pissed off?

You would be pissed too if your nuts were on your neck..

People think i'm a monster for only hunting pregnant deer

but doe taste better once it's bred.

What did the conspiracy theorist say when they saw frankensteins monster?

it’s aLIE!!

I saw this guy running down the road with a bunch of monsters. When I asked him what he was doing he said:

I’m exercising my demons.

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

Kids look under the bed before going to sleep to check there is no monster.

Monsters check there's no Chuck Norris

He Made A Monster

Dr. Frankenstein entered a bodybuilding competition and discovered he had seriously misunderstood the objective

Told my boss my idea for a game where the user would steal an idol from a cave monster.

He told me to run with it.

Frankenstein's monster was really worried one day

"Pull yourself together", said Frankenstein

While going to sleep, my roommate always says that there is a hideous monster under his bed.

We have a bunk bed.

What time did the Monster eat the prime minister?

8PM

My mom told me that if I watched scary movies, the monster could come out of the TV and haunt the house..

So I only watched them at my friends' house.

What do you call a monster that eats memories

I forgot

Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...

His name was Frank

What do you call a monster that eats a lot?

A gobble-n
(Credit to my 7 y/o son)

What monster are miners scared of?

The canary wolf.

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As a child I was told there's a monster under my bed.

As an adult I went to see a therapist.

"Doc I got issues, man I know it's ridiculous but I think there's a monster under my bed"

"Well young man, you have come to right place give me three months and you'll be right as new"

"What will it cost me doc?"

"Well we will have t...

My friend told me that there is no other job site than monster.com now a days..

I said INDEED

My company recently hired Frankenstein’s monster to run our HR department. He’s surprisingly good at it.

Turns out he’s a real people person.

Are Monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula.

Happy Spooktober everyone.

Knowledge is knowing that Frankenstein is not the monster

SparkNotes is knowing that Frankenstein *is* the monster.

Can we Frankenstein Monster a joke?

i propose we see who can come up with the best joke. we submit a part, someone else adds to it. maybe 3 parts? maybe not? let's see who can come up with the funniest crowd sourced joke.

An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing

when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both.

As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, “Oh, my God! Please help me!”

At once, the ferocious attack sc...

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A man is sent to prison and as he enters his cell for the first time, a big burly tattooed monster of a man stares him down. As the gate closes behind him them the new cellmate gets up and says...

Cellmate: "So I just have one question for you. Do you want to be daddy or do you want to be mommy?"

The new prisoner thinks for a moment, and nervously musters up, "Uhhh... daddy?“

The cellmate smiles and tells him, "Good answer! Now, why don't you come on over here and suck mommy's d...

When the girls sing "They did the mash" and then the guy chimes in with "They did the *monster* mash"

That's wolfmansplaining

What’s the difference between a monster truck rally and the rockettes?

A monster truck rally has a CUNNING array of STUNTS

Hey! Did you hear about the monster with five legs?

His pants fit like a glove

I went to visit my old friend frankenstein's monster

as we were talking I said, "It's just uncanny, you have your mothers eyes."

he smiled and replied, "yes, but she didn't need them anymore"

What did the Cookie Monster say after eating all the anesthia at the dentist's office?

"NUMB NUM NUMB NUM NUMB NUM"

Why doesn't Cookie Monster have good internet privacy?

He always accepts the cookies.

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