What's a sea monster's favourite food?

Fish and ships

What has a 1000 teeth and holds back a monster?

My zipper.

While discussing horror movies, my friend asked me who my favorite monster from film is.

Me: "Hmmm that's a tough one. I think I'd have to go with the vampire from Sesame Street."

Friend: "What!? He doesn't count."

Me: "Oh I assure you, he does."

What sort of monsters don't eat the crust?

I mean it's fantastic even if it doesn't taste like the rest of the watermelon

worst part of childhood is monsters in the closet/under the bed

worst part of adulthood is realizing they were living there rent-free and you missed your chance to charge them

What day of the week do sea monsters get married?

Wednesday

How do monsters tell their fortune?

They read their horror-scopes.

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A mob dragged a man into a police station for running over 11 people, while shouting "Monster!" "Murderer!" "Killer! ".

The policeman dispersed the crowd and began to interrogate the suspect.

The policeman : Tell me what happened.

The suspect : Sir I was driving home within the speed limit when my brakes failed. I had no choice but to either crash the car into a group of 10 people or to swerve into th...

Are monsters good at math?

Not unless you Count Dracula

My young daughter is afraid of “the monsters” in her bedroom.

So I switched them out for red bull.

My 6 year old daughter came up with this joke. What is a duck's favorite sea monster?

A Quacken

What do you call a monster with multiple personality disorder?

A we're wolf.

What does the Loch Ness monster eat?

Fish and Ships

What do you call an alcoholic Doctor Who monster?

A Ciderman

Villager 1: Flee for your lives! The mad scientist in the castle turned a tiny lizard into a monster that's destroying everything in its path!

Villager 2: Meh, why bother. We're doomed from the gecko.

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My four year old daughter came into my bedroom in the middle of the night and said,

"Daddy I'm scared. Can I sleep with you?"

"No," I replied as I put her back in her bed, "I'm not having that fucking monster follow you into my room."

What does a German-Italian call the flying spaghetti monster?

Oh manigott !

Which monster likes weed the most?

Medusa. She’s a total stoner.

It was a dark time on the street.

War had come to Sesame Street. Big Bird lay bleeding with a piece of shrapnel sticking out of his side. As he lay there. Oscar the grouch came over to speak with him.
Oscar: How are you doing general bird?
Big Bird: Never mind that now commander what is the letter and number of the day?
Osc...

Please help, my dog keeps turning into an eldritch monster at random times.

I think he has Nyarlathotepsy.

What kind of monster is the best dancer?

The boogieman

What do you call a city full of monsters?

Monstrocity

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With Apologies To Abbot And Costello

There were these two kids who ran away from their home in Why, Arizona. One was a tall, white kid. The other was a short, Asian kid. After running away from home, a police officer notices them. They were caught milking baby gila monsters for their venom. The cop didn't want to send them to juvi...

What will the Monster eat after the Dentist pulled out his teeth?

The Dentist

From my 6 year old: What does a cloud wear beneath its pants?

Thunderwear!


Edit: Thanks so much for the awards! I told my 6yo this morning how much love his joke got, and he’s absolutely walking on air!

You may have just helped create a comedian, you monsters.

Monster under the bed

Jim hears his son call his name, so he walks in his sons room. Jim's son, Howard says with a tremble in his voice, "Dad, there's a monster under my bed." Jim unconvinced walks to his son's bed and looks underneath. There he sees his son crying and startled as he whispers, "Dad, there's a monster sle...

Albert Einstein had a brother named Frank.

But he was a real monster.

A 12 inch.....

Two friends were playing golf when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter. So, he asked his friend if he had one.

“I sure do,” he replied, and reached into his golf bag and pulled out a big 12-inch BIC lighter.

“WOW!” said his friend, “Where did you get that monster?”...

What is James Hetfield's favourite energy drink ?

No idea, but it's probably Some Kind of Monster.

It's that time of the year when many Americans go around in public pretending to be something they're not, with many choosing to appear as monsters and ghouls. But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

But enough about the elections, it's also Halloween.

Just took a quiz to find out what my spirit Halloween monster is ...

... apparently, deep down inside I'm a skeleton.

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

What search engine do spooky monsters use?

Ghoul ghoul.

A witch finishes watching Monsters Inc...

And has an idea. Surely if children’s laughter is more powerful, then orphans crying for joy would make their tears MORE magical! So she teleports outside of a young orphans bedroom and slowly enters the room.

Inside, the young child in the bed stirs awake. “Who’s there?” He asks the figure. ...

Why is the Loch Ness Monster subscribed to r/gonewild?

For the free-tiddy.

Nintendo is making a new game about gambling monsters.

It's called Pokermon.

How do monsters know when to eat pregnant women?

When their cervix ripens

Why would you think a show about children and monsters is weird?

Honestly, I've seen stranger things

A knight’s brother was slain in battle by monster

Knight: I will avenge the death of my brother!

Hunter: You have my bow!

Warrior: And my axe!

Mage: And my staff!

Necromancer: And your dead brother!

Son: “Dad! Dad! There is a monster under my bed!”

Dad: “Enjoy it while you can son, when you get married the monster sleeps in your bed”

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It's a shitty year for Halloween monsters

Real life has been a lot scarier

New bull on the farm

Three bulls on the farm. They were just working out divvying up the heifers (young female cows). The biggest claims 60 of the 100 heifers. The second one claims 30 and the smallest, a puny runt gets 10.

Just as they ironed out the details, a huge trailer rolls up and out walks a monster of a ...

What monster fits on the end of your finger?

The bogeyman!

Why did the sea monster eat twelve ships that were carrying potatoes?

Because nobody can eat just one potato ship!

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My 4 year old told me this today: What do you call a monster with poop on its head?

Mad.

I donate 1 kidney to a hospital and everyone thinks I am a hero



I donate 10 kidneys and everyone thinks I am a monster

The poor father of a Chef sees an ad in the local newspaper: "Come visit the Carnival and see our newest attraction, the Great Winged Monster!"

So the man makes his way down to the Carnival and pays the $2.00 admission price to get inside.

While inside the Carnival grounds he walks around, seeing ads for rides, games, food, and even shows! After a couple hours he finally sees it, a sign outside an obscure looking tent saying 'Great ...

Asked a mate about the Flying Spaghetti Monster

He said Well, it boils down to this

What we call a monster we can't find?

Wherewolf.

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, observing his wife, looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she’d like to have for her birthday.

“I’d like to be six again”, she replied, still looking in the mirror.

On the morning of her birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Lucky Charms, and then took her to Six Flags theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park – the Death Slide, Wall of Fear, Screamin...

What's the difference between a politician and a blobfish.

Ones a bottom-feeding monster and the others a fish

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A Science-Minded Deviant

There's this scientist that loves dolphins. He loves dolphins so much, he wants to figure out a way to make them live forever. For years he slaves away in his basement laboratory, and he believes that he has found a compound that when given to dolphins, will make them live forever. The only probl...

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The giant monster cannibal was eating a large amount of people, he asked why he started feeling sleepy after eating a group of women who were out drinking. He asked his other giant monster eater friend why he felt sleepy

He said, “because that’s a bar bitch you ate.”

What do you call a South American goat-killing monster with a cold?

Achoopacabra

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The Golfing Nun - and why life is never perfect.

A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.


'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'


'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to...

What do doctors say when they see a patient acting like a monster?

"It's morphine time!"

Why didn't Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?

Because he just didn't have the guts to do it again.

Did you hear about the boy who survived being run over by a monster truck?

When reporters interviewed him at the hospital he was alert and said that he just felt very tired.

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There was an American man who lived in Thailand and when he was there he had a lot of sex and never used a condom the entire time.

Then he returned to America and one morning he woke up and noticed bright green and purple dots on his penis

Freaked out, he went to the doctor. The doctor said "I have never seen anything like this before. We will need to run some tests." So they ran some tests and he said come back in 3 day...

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Which monsters are most fond of sex?

Skeletons; they're always down to bone

why did the skeleton not ask his crush to the monster mash?

He didn't have any guts

If it looks like a dog, smells like a dog, and tastes like a dog...

Then your a monster

I just finished installing a 5G mast for the local area when this crazy lady runs out of the house and starts throwing bizarre accusations of how 5G is hurting people's health and what monsters we telecoms guys are. What a screwball!

4G must've fried her brain.

What were the monster's first words after Dr. Franksenstein brought him back to life after sewing together different body parts?

Thanks for re-membering me.

What did the sailor say to the sea monster before it destroyed his ship?

"What's Kraken?

What do witchers do when they're not busy killing monsters?

They kill time

An atheist is walking along the bank of Loch Ness, suddenly, out of the depths appears Nessie.

She snatched the atheist up in her jaws and threw her head back, throwing thim up in the air. Just before the atheist fell into Nessie's jaws he cries out

"Oh god help me!"

Amazingly, time froze and God appeared next to the atheist. God asked:
"My son, all your life you have fo...

What did the rust monster say after spilling someone's drink?

"I'm so sorry, it was an oxidant"

How do you scare a child? Tell them that a monster is in the closet.

How do you scare a conservative? Tell them that *their* child is in the closet!

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All the scarers in monsters inc are gay

They're always coming out of closets

Gabbie Hannah may be the monster

But I’m already tracer

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i was never scared from then on

A man went to the therapist and told him

Oh I can’t sleep at night cause i am afraid of the monster under my bed The therapist told him: i will help you, you will take with me three sessions a week each one costing 200$ and in month you will be able to sleep The man left and didn’t came ...

What do you call monster made out of blood?

A hemogoblin

What did the monster say when he saw a full train during rush hour?

"Oh good! A chew, chew train!"

Credit to the attendant at Balaclava Train Station in Melbourne.

"Have a train-tastic Thursday night!"

Is the Demigorgon the weirdest Sci-Fi monster?

Could be; I haven’t seen stranger things

I got early to the office and switched the letters N and M in some keyboards, some will say I'm a monster...

But others will say I'm a nomster

My 3 year old daughter as a pink fairy princes

To my wife: “I’ll make you a queen!”
To me: “I’ll make you a cookie monster!”

What has 218 teeth an takes care that a monster stays locked?

The zipper of my pants.

Dr. Frankenstein is experimenting with a new monster made with a cheese body.

It's Frankenstein's Muenster.

What is the smartest monster?

Frank-Einstein

People think i'm a monster for only hunting pregnant deer

but doe taste better once it's bred.

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Why was Frankenstein's monster so pissed off?

You would be pissed too if your nuts were on your neck..

What is a sea monsters favourite snack?

Ship n dip

What mythical monster of the sea clucks while going on drug enduced rampages?

The crack-hen.

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

What does a monster call his girlfriend?

Zom-bae

(... I'll leave now.)

What is a superstitious monsters favorite daily read?

Its horrorscope

Bed monsters

A guy had a fear that there was a monster living under his bed, and he decided to seek professional help. During the consultation, the shrink told him his situation was unusual but not unheard of. He can be cured, but it would take at minimum 6 session at $250 each.

The guy declined citing t...

Cookie monster was happy lighting Elmo's girlfriends cake

Until he noticed there was only 3 candles

Why is Wolfenstein known as THE first person shooter?

Because in the games before it, you only shot monsters.

What do you call a milk monster that wants to take over the universe?

Galactose

Why was the Loch Ness monster so surprised when she got a love letter from her crush?

She thought he didn’t even know she existed!

Albert Einstein created many concepts for modern physics.

His brother, Frank, however, created a monster.

There are three monsters that live in my house and steal all of my money,

I like to call them, “the accidents,” but my wife insists on calling them our children.

Frankenstein's monster was really worried one day

"Pull yourself together", said Frankenstein

A child sets fires around the community.

Mom: My son is a fire starting monster. I raised a criminal.
Dad: It's arson.

When I was a kid, my father showed me a world of pain

I know he sounds like a monster, but he was just a French baker

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A group of five park wardens decided to start a band together...

... They all agreed on playing music of a rock subgerne kind, mixed in with symphonic elements, fantasy based subject matter and strong choruses. However they could not agree on a specific aesthetic, as each one of them turned up for their first practice session with a different color scheme.
...

What did the conspiracy theorist say when they saw frankensteins monster?

it’s aLIE!!

Donate one kidney, they call you a hero. Donate two, they call you a saint.

But donate three or more, and suddenly you’re a “monster.”

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Bob was swimming when a sea monster grabbed him by the balls.

“Plus 2 or minus 2?” Said the monster

“Plus 2!” Said Bob, but when he got out of the water he discovered he now had 4 balls. Bob was pissed with having 4 balls, but he figured he’d find the monster and this time say “minus 2” and return to normal, so Bob goes for another swim. After swimming ...

Why are monsters hipsters?

Because they've been coming out of the closet since before it was cool.

Y’all ever heard of the Steak Monster?

When it feels threatened, it erupts in a Medium Roar.

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