Cause Of Death Jokes - 42 Hilarious Cause Of Death Jokes

The coroner has released Norm Macdonald's official cause of death

you guessed it, Frank Stallone

What's an anarchist's most likely cause of death?

Prostate cancer

An emaciated man was found dead in his bathtub. The apparent cause of death was starvation.

Oddly, he still had enough food in his fridge, and no apparent mobility problems that would prevent him from getting to it. His relatives did not know of any mental problems either.

The best investigator in the city was called to the scene. She takes one look at the bathroom and asks the rela...

Police found a large number of dead crows on the A251 just outside Ashford yesterday morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Bird Flu...

A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and it's been confirmed the problem was not Bird Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from vehicular impacts, however, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analysing...

What’s the leading cause of death in wizards?

Staff infection.

Finally revealed: the leading cause of death for rats and mice

Research scientists

What disease is the leading cause of death among potatoes?

Tuber culosis

Sorry for the potato quality

Breaking news! A group of ornithologists have recently published a study concerning the primary cause of death among Swallows:

Apparently, they don’t chew their food.

A Mexican man is found unresponsive...

A Mexican man is found unresponsive on the roadway outside Tijuana.
Local authorities call for an ambulance and he is rushed to the nearest hospital.
Unfortunately, the doctors determine that he has consumed a lethal amount of drugs and there is nothing they can do to save him. He dies within ...

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Dr. Watson is performing an autopsy. Holmes ask if he’s found the cause of death.

Watson: It would appear the decedent had a bowel obstruction. It caused a rupture in the intestinal wall, creating a septic condition and ultimately, death.

Holmes: Wait, John, are you saying he died of...

Watson: No Shit, Sherlock.

Jerry Springer passed away.

The cause of death was a rare parasite…

…..Jerry was the perfect host.

Ever wonder why they don't include the cause of death in an obituary?

It's because they want you to show up and ask how they died in person. Why do you think they include the service times?

*This is a joke. Please do not disturb a family who had a loved one pass away.*

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I hope when I'm older that my cause of death will be constipation.

That way people will know that I didn't give a shit all the way to the end.

Mushroom trip

A guy sits in his shared apartment when his drug enthusiast roommate walks in.

"Hey, I just bought some mushrooms from my dealer, he said it's some serious business, so don't be scared if I won't come out of my room for a few hours!"

The next day the roommate is found dead. The cause o...

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Fred Phelps, leader of Westboro Baptist Church, found dead in home surrounded by piles of partially chewed food. Cause of death: starvation. Next to his body was a note in his own handwriting

"Can't swallow cause that's gay"

An archaeologist was digging in the Negev Desert in Israel...

and came upon a casket containing a mummy, a rather rare occurrence in Israel, to say the least. After examining it, he called Abe, the curator of the Israel museum in Jerusalem.

"I've just discovered a 3,000 year old mummy of a man who died of heart failure!" the excited scientist exclaimed....

Why did the Buddhist coroner get fired?

He kept listing the cause of death as birth.

An officer is at the scene of a car accident filling out a report...

Officer: "Let's see here, driver deceased.
Cause of death? Decapitation. Location of body? Torso in gutter, head in medeon... uh... meddi... medan..." *kicks head*... "Head also in gutter."

Wife to husband: “Did I get fat during quarantine?”

Husband replies: “you weren’t really that skinny to be begin with!”

Time of death: 11:00pm
Cause of death: Covid-19

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Tampons

A man walks into a supermarket, asks the clerk where the Tampons are.
She told him Aisle 14.
He comes back a few minutes later with a big bag of large cotton balls...and some kite string.
Puzzled, the girl asks him if he wasn't the one asking for Tampons?
" it's a long story," ...

A man was standing on the corner when an old van from the 1980's drove by ...

... it had a long whip antenna attached to its side. Tragically however the clasp holding to the van at the end closest to the rear doors broke off just as the van was rounding the corner. The whip antenna sprung free and nicked the man's arm. He didn't think much of it at the time, but later h...

When I heard the sad news that Gilbert Gottfried had passed away....

I half-expected his cause of death was anaphylAFLAC shock.

"I'm telling you one last time ", a doctor yells at his nurse

"When you're filling a death certificate, you put the name of illness under cause of death, not the name of the supervising physician!"

St Peter was doing market research with the applicants at the Pearly Gates. Three men were awaiting entry.

"Cause of death?" St Peter asked the first.

"I suspected my wife was cheating on me," the first man replied, "so I came home early and burst into my apartment on the twenty-first floor. I ran into the bedroom and my wife was lying naked on the bed. I searched the apartment but found no-one. ...

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A man drops his coin into the wishing well...

" I wish I had a giant cock!"

Wish granted. Cause of death, 2 metre cock shoved up his ass. Giant still at large.

8:45 PM, Arrive at the crime scene

- 8:45 PM, Assess victim. Cause of death: strangulation, victim’s phone and wallet are missing
- 8:45 PM, Gather evidence. No visible fingerprints, rope used to strangle the victim was found in a nearby trashcan
- 8:45 PM, Question witnesses. One witness states the murderer was driving away...

Coroner's Report

Coroner: Report complete.

Police: What was the cause of death?

Coroner: The cause of death was that I sliced him open and performed an autopsy.

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[NSFW] My friend, very much a butt lover, choked to death last night under a particularly large one.

Cause of death: ass fixation.

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

Natural causes.

Once upon a time there was an old woman who was sick of her husband, but didn't want to get divorced. She knew he had a severe allergy to insect bites and stings, so she developed a plan.

She asked a friend who had a hive to give her the dead bodies of the insects around the hive. She took t...

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Tragedy in the news today as the Energizer bunny was found dead

The cause of death was determined to be sexual exhaustion. Someone put his batteries in backwards, and instead of going and going, he kept coming and coming

A doctor meets up with a coroner

"Well have you figured out the cause of death?"

"No sir"

"Was it something to do with the brain?"

"We don't think so sir"

"Was it something to do with the lungs?"

"We don't think so sir"

"Was it something to do with the heart"

"Well we can't tell sir....

A college girl was found dead in her bathtub...

She decided to take a bath after a long day of testing. Unbeknownst to her, her roommate had a fetish of putting a 9-volt battery in the bath to give herself a small electric shock.

This time, however, she left it in the tub. The college girl decided she wanted to put some soothing bath salts...

They say suicide is never the answer...

But what if the question is, "what is the leading cause of death for men in the military?"

Wow, somebody actually died from smoking too much weed

His cause of death was "Blunt Force Trauma"

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5

Little Billy started playing organ when he was 5. He practiced and practiced every day. He had heard of this orchestra from his town that was really hard to get accepted into. This made him want to practice and practice even more. He even got private lessons with a skilled organist. Finally, the day...

Adam and Terry woke up on the Oregon Trail with supplies for a month.

On the last week of the month, Adam fell ill. Terry on the other hand, was fine.

On the last day, Adam started to uncontrollably pester Terry because he thought Terry had poisoned him.

Terry was patient at first, but soon his patience wore thin. It didnt help that they had run out of...

They say the person who left the car running in the closed garage committed suicide, but....

I'd say the cause of death was exhaustion

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[long] An Italian, an Englishman, and an American shipwreck on an island..

They wander for a bit until they find a tribe of ritualistic cannibals, who conveniently speak English. These cannibals explain that they are to kill them, eat them, and turn their skin into canoes. However, they're not TOTAL savages, so they will allow the 3 shipwrecked to choose their cause of dea...

I once worked in a pathology lab...

...but I was asked to leave after one of my reports said "cause of death: autopsy:"

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Man found dead midway through masturbating

Cause of death? A stroke

Two detectives are investigating a crime scene in a plastic surgeons O.R. (Long)

After an initial forensics report they determine cause of death was blood loss.

Detective 1: I’ve seen their sort of procedure before. Good God! I thought they stopped this sort of operation years ago!

Detective 2: what is it? You’ve seen this before!??

Detective 1: oh yes....Ma...

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