UPJOKE
improperunsuitableincorrectwrongunfittingappropriateimmoralinaccurateunfairincompatibleappropriatelymerelyinsensitiveunethicalirresponsible

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So someone has anonymously complained that I've given inappropriate nicknames to my female co-workers

I'm not sure who it is but I've strong suspicion it might be Bitchface Bigtits....

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Bad dream. Kinda inappropriate

So after a long weekend of partying on a beach in Florida, these three men all have to book a hotel room. They had to book it last minute and got a hotel room with a single queen size bed. The middle man was a tall blonde male. He slept in the middle of the bed because he was the tallest. So when th...

Jokes about feminine hygiene are completely inappropriate…

Period

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My wife caught me pissing in the kitchen sink, and got really mad at me. "You fucking prick, that's so inappropriate!" she screamed. "Well, so is washing the baby in there, but I don't angry at you about that!" I shouted back.

I think she realised she'd lost the argument, because she didn't even reply.

She just lifted the baby out of the sink and went upstairs...

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One of my posts got taken down for being“inappropriate/political” because I used the word liberal

How is it political to say “I’m liberal with the amount of kids I fit in my basement”

I thought getting an erection during a prostate exam was inappropriate, but my Doctor told me it happens all the time, just ignore it.

I tried to but he kept rubbing it against my hip.

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What do you call a cup of inappropriate coffee?

an ejaculatte

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Voodoo d***. (INAPPROPRIATE)

A man and a woman get married, and they have the best sex. Better than most people would think, and their sexual compatibility is a large part of their relationship. One day, the husband finds out that he needs to go on a business trip that will last a couple of months. He decides that in order to k...

My wife says she’s going to divorce me because I always get erections at inappropriate times

It won’t stand up in court

I got kicked out of a grocery store for inappropriate behavior in the produce section.

All I did was take a leek.

Covid19 inappropriate playlist thread. Honestly, I'm surprised it not been done yet. I'll start....

REM It's the end of the world as we know it (and I feel fine)

It's inappropriate to tell a dad joke if you're not a dad.

It's a faux pa.

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

If I made a joke about Pinocchios chest, that would be inappropriate...

wooden tit?

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My high school history teacher once gave me detention for inappropriate language.

All I did was call Oedipus a motherfucker.

A: Are you the one responsible for using word contractions inappropriately?

B: I'm.

Sorry to anyone who felt my joke about herbs and fish was inappropriate.

I realise there’s a thyme and a plaice for these things...

Thin Mints are very inappropriately named.

No matter how many I eat, I never get thin.

Inappropriate times for the Kool-Aid Man to bust through the wall.

“I’m so glad you brought me here Jack, I’ve never seen the engine room of an Ocean Liner before.”

“Oh, no?”

**”Oh, Yeah!”**

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My dad does this really inappropriate joke where he closes his eyes whenever a Stevie Wonder song comes on.

Fucking nightmare when his songs are on the car radio.

What is your most inappropriate, sickest comment on Jeffrey Epstein?

*He died just the way he liked his girls, gagging.*

My grade school teacher would often touch me in inappropriate places.

Places like the kitchen and the living room. I hated being homeschooled

I told my wife that what she is wearing is inappropriate for gardening.

But she’s digging in her heels.

Which words of encouragement are totally inappropriate for veterinarians?

You're gonna kill it!

"Craig, I caught your son playing 'doctor' with my daughter!"

"Oh lord, that kid. My boy didn't do anything inappropriate, did he?"

"I'll say! The co-pay he charged was outrageous!"

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Little Johnny and the Alphabet

Little Johnny’s teacher announces to the class, “For today’s exercise, I will go through the alphabet and for each letter, select a student to share a word that begins with that letter.”

She scans the class and begins, “The first letter is A.”

Several students raise their hands, includ...

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today

But it's okay, i'm self-employed

Today I inappropriately touched and propositioned several female coworkers...

It's all good though. I said "No Cuomo"

The inventor of inappropriate innuendo jokes died suddenly yesterday.

His wife is taking it really hard.

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What do you call an inappropriate robot?

A wire stripper

To everyone who gets offended by comedians making inappropriate jokes. Have you ever just wished that you could slap them silly? well fear not..

Where there's a Will there's a way.

My fried just got engaged to her boyfriend, Peter, and was gushing about how in love she is. Obviously the first thing out of my mouth was "oh, so you're a massive Peterphile!" Apparently that was "inappropriate" and now she's annoyed with me.

This is actually a true story, so hope it's okay that it's not in a standard joke format.

My wife's inappropriate Christmas dinner joke

Last night My wife and I were having Christmas dinner with her parents, grandparents, aunts/uncles, and a German neighbor who is a widow. We were talking about messing up while cooking meals and I mentioned the first time I cooked a turkey I cooked it upside down. The neighbor was incredulous that...

Once a kid goes to a church with her mother

The kid says to her mother " Mommy I want to pee! ". The mother says " do not say pee inside the church, it is inappropriate! If you ever want to pee, say that you want to whisper!". Next Sunday, she goes to church with her father. She then says "Daddy I want to whisper". Her father says " Alright H...

His wife minored in psychology in school.

She was always trying to use her tiresome amateur psychology on him. When he wanted to fire their pool boy, she said, "Well, you're clearly threatened by his youth and attractiveness, and this gives you intimations of your own mortality which you are sublimating into a hostile and inappropriate resp...

I suggested an awesome product name and slogan for marketers of a data file decompression utility, but they wouldn't take me up on it.

The company's stupid focus groups thought it was inappropriate.

I mean, come on, what's wrong with:

"SIGH unzips"?

It is inappropriate to call people "monkeys"

The politically correct term is "orangutan".

Did you hear about the music conductor who was fired for inappropriate behavior?

He was caught maestrobating backstage and his manager saw him a beat off

My granddad always used to say "there is no such thing as bad weather, only inappropriate clothing".

I say "used to', he got hit by lightening.

I had a Yoga teacher when I was younger and he was always drunk and touched me inappropriately,

He put me in an awkward position.

What do you call someone who touches cereal inappropriately?

A chex offender

What is the most inappropriate thing to say to someone who just lost their job?

You had one job.

Just got back from the doctor... he said I can touch myself inappropriately whenever I want to!

Wife: Grabs report "This says you could have a stroke at any time"

Did you hear the cat's inappropriate joke?

[remewved]

I saw all the people complaining about inappropriate YouTube ads, and at first I thought they were kidding. Then I saw a Trojan condoms ad.

I thought they were horsing around.

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I was at this funeral and after we went to house for the wake and I was a bit bored so I went up to the widow and I asked her "Can I have the wi-fi code?" She replied "Don't you think that's inappropriate you, short fat bald wanker".....

I said "Is that all in lowercase ?"

This girl wants to get me fired for giving her “inappropriate” shoulder rubs...

Good luck with that, I don’t even work there.

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This is a call to all my fellow inappropriate boner poppers

Rise up

Inappropriate.

My girlfriend said “I believe in you” and it made me happy.

But then I realised she had just affected a culturally inappropriate Jamaican accent to break the news that she was moving out.

I accidentally sent inappropriate photos to everyone in my address book

Not only is it embarrassing, it's cost me a fortune in stamps.

Where is it inappropriate to have a Back to School sale?

A gun store.

My daughter was trying to convince me that the dress she was going out in wasn’t inappropriate,

but I saw right through it.

My wife left me because I kept touching pasta inappropriately...

Now I'm feeling cannelloni

What does the inappropriate strip club patron say when he finally admits he has a problem?

I come here too often

My father, who was on his death bed, told me that I make jokes out of the most inappropriate things.

Let's just say he didn't live long after that.

Turned the tables on my 8-year-old son.

Son: “How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?”

Me: “I don’t know; how many?”

Son: “Ten tickles.”

Me: “Yeah, but only the male octopus is ticklish.”

Son: “Huh?”

Me: “Yeah, the females are not ticklish at all; just the males. You know how you can tel...

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I got fired from my job at a carpet shop

Apparently asking customers "fancy a shag?" is inappropriate ?

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The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

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An inappropriate joke my child made-up:

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Fuck.
Fuck who?
Fuck you!

Little sister (too excited)
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Fuck you!

*We’re just terrible parents...

The movie was so boring, that...

...I had to fight Zs harder than the Ukrainian army.

(Sorry, inappropriate. Also, sorry not a joke, just a saying I just invented. Also, Slava Ukraini)

A contractor is taking a tour with a client discussing color themes. GREEN SIDE UP!

The contractor yelled out the living room window as he turned his attention back to the confused client. "Ah yes you definitely want a neutral tone for a room of this size and a decorator can help pick out the right furniture to accent." The client relaxed and completely agreed with his insight. "...

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Three nuns were talking. The first nun said, "I was cleaning the Father's room the other day, and I found a bunch of inappropriate magazines."

"What did you do?" the second nun asked.

"I threw them in the trash, of course."

"Well," said the second nun, "I was in the Father's room putting away laundry and found a bunch of condoms."

"What did you do?" the first nun asked.

"I poked holes in them."

"Oh, crap,...

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Apparently it's inappropriate for a group of white kids to put on a play of Aladdin, as it is racially insensitive and cultural appropriation. Possibly white washing.

I wonder if we'll see more Jews in Nativity Pageants come Christmas season this year.

I always seem to be telling jokes at the most inappropriate moments.

For years I've been attempting to suppress my gag reflex.

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A nun, a hot blonde, a German and a Frenchman are sitting in a train compartment.

They don‘t know each other and are minding their own business. The train drives into a tunnel and it gets so dark in the compartment that you could not see your own hand in front of your eyes.

Suddenly a violently loud slapping noise rips into the silence. When the train leaves the tunnel ev...

The World’s Greatest Gambler

A man begins to deposit a ridiculous amount of money into his bank. Out of nowhere. Someone takes notice, and after a long and complicated series of accusations and charges the man winds up going to court. He shows up with his defense attorney.

The judge asks him bluntly “Sir, how did you com...

Everyone's talking about how inappropriate Louis CK's behavior has been...

...personally, I think he handled himself quite well.

When asked about the inappropriate behavior by his priests the pope said

“it’s an age old problem.”

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Remembered this joke a while ago, and didn't see it on this sub, so decided to share.

Before the start of the lesson, the girls from Johnny's class come to see the teacher to complain about Johnny's inappropriate comments towards them.

The teacher told the girls to walk out of the class the next time they get offended by one of Johnny's comments and she will then deal with him...

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Do I Know You?

An older couple from Detroit are driving through Florida one afternoon when they are pulled over by a state police vehicle for speeding.

The patrolman approaches the car, and asks to see the man's license and registration. His wife, who is hard of hearing, yells out "WHAT DID HE SAY??!" The ...

I Recently I received a parrot as a gift.

The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

I tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else I could think of to "clea...

So, John received a parrot, as a gift.

Now this parrot was the rudest, noisiest, most foul mouthed parrot you can imagine. Every other word out of this parrot's beak was profanity, and strings of filthy insults - absolutely appalling behaviour!

Well, over the course of the next week, John tried speaking to it softy and calmly, pl...

Decided to eat some chips yesterday

Apparently that's "super weird" and "completely inappropriate at a poker game"

A teacher was trying to teach his students good manners.

He asked Michael:

If you took a girl on a date to a restaurant, how would you say that you have to go to the bathroom?

Wait a minute, I gotta pee, Michael replied.

That would be very rude and inappropriate. How would you ask, Chris?

I'm sorry, but I have to really go to ...

A piece of rope walks into a bar.

After very inappropriate behaviour, the bartender asks the rope to leave.

The rope leaves and gives itself a makeover by unravelling himself at the top and tying himself into a knot.

It returns the next day and the bartender asks “Aren’t you the same guy yesterday?”

It says: “I’...

A patient walked in to an office to find their doctor taking inappropriate photos...

"What are you doing, doctor?" The patient asked.



"It's alright, they're just medic pics."

One of my professors has been inappropriately touching me every night

Life is tough for autodidacts.

My boss touched me inappropriately at work today.

It's quite rewarding working from home I tell ya

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you......

If your partner confesses that they cheated on you, I know the temptation is to ask, “with who?“

But that's inappropriate. Avoid it.

Instead ask, “with whom? “ It is important to speak good English.

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A science teacher asks her class of sixth graders, “students, what is a part of the body that when stimulated can grow ten times its size?”

Tattletale Susan gets angry in the back and yells, “teacher, that’s a dirty question! You can’t be asking questions like that! I’m gonna have my parents tell the principal and we’re gonna get you fired!”

The teacher ignores her and repeats the question, “alright class, what is a part of the b...

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

Mischievous twins

In a town somewhere there lived 2 very problematic 12 year old twin boys. If there was trouble in town, they were sure to be involved. It gotten to the point where every time some stranger came to their house it was to complain about something they did.

Naturally their mother had it with thei...

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"Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking"

"Our aircraft has reached its designated altitude, you may now unfasten your seatbelts. Our flight attendants will be serving drinks in five minutes. The expected flight duration is four hours and ten minutes, our current speed is AAAAH, OH FUCK, NONONONONO, HOLY SHIT, OH MY GOD!!!"

The inter...

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A man sees a nun hitchhiking

He stops to pick her up, and she gives him the address she's going to.

Halfway there, the man starts to feel a little desperate, and says 'Sister, I know this is inappropriate, but I'm dying and I've never had sex. Do you think we could do it?'

The nun thinks for a moment, and asks 'ar...

So a Catholic walks into a bar.... during Lent[Long] [Cultural context wise kinda inappropriate given the season]

An Irishman walks into a bar in Dublin, orders three pints of Guinness and sits in the back of the room, drinking a sip out of each one in turn. When he finishes them, he comes back to the bar and orders three more. The bartender asks him, “You know, a pint goes flat after I draw it; wouldn’t you ra...

Asiana Airlines will be filing a lawsuit against KTVU for its inappropriate and racist names that were falsely broadcasted mid day Friday 7/12...

....said Asiana's attorney Wi Su Yu

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3 people die and end up in hell...

The first was an alcoholic, the second was a womanizer, the 3rd was a pothead.

Satan spoke: "Your punishment for squandering your lives on addiction is simple. What you valued the most in your life will be provided to you in infinite supply, however, you will remain with only your vice in a l...

Anatomy lesson gone wrong

One day at an all-girl school, an elderly anatomy teacher was reviewing with his students for a test. He turns to one student and says "Karen, what part of the body can grow up to six times its size, and under what conditions does this occur?"

Karen, aghast, starts screaming "How dare you ask...

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A lady goes to see her doctor.

She says " Kiss me doctor".
The doctor says"No, that would be inappropriate "
She asks again " Kiss me please"
The doctor goes " That would be really unprofessional. We shouldn't even be having sex right now you know. "

I got fired from my job at the funeral parlor.

My boss thought "smoking or non smoking?" was an inappropriate way to ask if they wanted cremation.

What do we want?

Low flying airplane noises.

When do we want them?

#NNNNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEEOOOOOOOOOWW^WWwww

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I have a habit of reading when I am travelling via train.

This one journey I was reading *Mein Kampf*.

Suddenly this one lady in the cabin caught sight of the title and immediately started a ruckus. She snapped at how inappropriate it is for someone in the modern age to read that regressive book. She even went on to call me a Nazi and continued rebu...

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My penis was in the Guiness Book of World Records up until...

I got kicked out of the library for being inappropriate...

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Happy Oldman

A journalist asked an old man "tell us a happy story from your life as you lived a long life"

The man said ok: back then when we were living in the village and my neighbor's cow got lost, all the village went searching, we spent a whole day searching, and when we found it we all fucked it....

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The teacher asks the class to use 'diction' in a sentance

Little Johnny stands up and says "oh, I know, I put polish down my pants and then my dick shone."

"That's inappropriate. Now, can anyone use 'fascinate' in a sentence?"

Little Johnny stands up again "my aunt Bertha has a coat with ten buttons but her tits are so big she can only faste...

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Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

Sharon & Tracey are walking home from the pub one night.

As they turn the corner, they come across a circus in the field over the road that has closed up for the night. One of the main attractions, a huge 12 foot tall bull elephant with a 6 foot long penis could clearly be seen quietly ea...

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A collection of lightbulb jokes

How many Mexicans does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just Juan

How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Two. One to hold the lightbulb and one to drink until the room spins.

How many mice does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
-Just two but who knows how the...

I was asked who my favourite X-men was the other day...

Apparently Caitlyn Jenner was inappropriate.

A speeding blonde.

One day while on patrol, a police officer pulled over a car for speeding. He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window. The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Blue eyes, blonde, the works. "I've pulled you over for speeding, Ma'...

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Mr. Rogers the biology teacher called on Mary

"Can you tell me the part of the body that, under the right conditions expands upto 6 times it's normal size?"

Mary gasped and said in a huff, " Mr. Rogers! That is a very inappropriate question. The principal will be hearing of this. " She sat down red faced.

"Susan, can you tell me t...

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So when a girl tells her friend she has a great ass in that jeans it's okay,

But when I tell my buddy the same thing I am 'being inappropriate' and I 'should really close the coffin now'. The world we live in

Did you hear the one about Xi Jinping?

This joke has been flagged for violations of our *new* content policy, specifically our policy against inappropriate speech.

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High School on Valentine's Day

A high school thought it might be a fun activity to let the teenagers cut out paper hearts, put the name or wish of their valentine on the card anonymously, and hang them on a chainlink fence at the entrance of the school. Of course someone had to take them all off afterwards. So the day following V...

A Texan woman walks into an animal clinic...

...and says to the receptionist, a young woman named Yvette, that she’d like to see how her cat Urias is doing.

The young woman is visibly confused, and says, in a noticeable accent, that she absolutely cannot. The older woman is also confused, and asks “This is the Stonybrook Animal Clinic, ...

I told my girlfriend that sometimes she makes me feel like a kid again.

She asked why and I said

Because you touch me inappropriately when I'm pretending to be asleep.

Whoever wins the Mega Millions Jackpot....

… touched me inappropriately 30 years ago.

I'm going to be a DJ at a retirement home this weekend.

With an average age of 81 years old, will the song "Last Christmas" be inappropriate?

What do my date last night and this question have in common.

They were both ended inappropriately by a period.

The French version of Jaws finishes with the word FIN.

It's really inappropriate

I used to date an English teacher

But she dumped me for inappropriate use of the colon.

I got hard during circumcision

It was a rather inappropriate situation for me as a doctor.

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Chinese Punishments

So this explorer is out in the Chinese wilderness, and he lost, tired and hungry. He comes across a rather large house with multiple stories. Relieved he goes up and knocks on the door. An old chinese master opens it up.

"Please," said the explorer, "Can I have food and shelter for the night...

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I wanted to borrow a copy of Oedipus Rex, but the library told me the city had banned it.

"Banned it?" I asked.

The librarian nodded. "Yes, for inappropriate content."

I blurted out "Motherfucker!".

She calmly replied "That's exactly why.".

2 Monocles walk into a bar

The new bartender can tell that they are already well on their way to intoxication but obliges them anyway when they order 2 shots.

As the night goes on they continue to get drunker and drunker and their behaviour becomes obnoxious. From loud arguments to inappropriate comments to women and e...

I always get told off when introducing my wife...

Apparently, the label 'ex-girlfriend' is highly inappropriate.

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