UPJOKE

In English Jokes

This is a joke we tell in Armenian, I think it comes out well in English too.

Little Johnny is in school one day when his teacher tells the class that she wants to hear each of them say a little about their families, and specifically what is needed in their lives.

The first student is a little girl, she stands up and says "my family is mostly happy but what we really n...

It must be hard for people learning to spell in English. For example, there is one silent K in "knight", four silent K's in "knickknack"

And three silent K's in "Republican".

How many of the phrases in English are palindromes?

Not a ton

What's the Longest Word in English?

Smiles
Cuz both the first and the last letters are a mile apart

A Russian joke my grandmother once told me. I hope it works in English.

A man sits at the deathbed of his mother-in-law.
She suffers very much and cries in agony:
"Oh I'm dying!" "It hurts" "I'm gonna die soon"
She stops for a seconds and says:
"Well at least the weather is nice today"

The man says: "hey dear, don't get distracted!"

the joke is originally in persian but i think it works in english too

kid:"hey mom are you adding carrots to that soup?"

mom:"yeah, i know you dont like carrots but dont worry, you wont taste the carrot at all"

kid:"then why do you add carrots?"

mom:"because it makes it tastier"

There's only 1 rule in English

Their our know rules

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man meets a Chinese woman in his travels...

They fall in love and live a happy life in England. The woman, however cannot speak in English and has to have her husband translate for her. One day, the man was rather busy and asked his wife to make duck breast. She goes to the butcher but then realizes she doesn't know how to tell him what she w...

A linguistics professor says during a lecture that, “In English, a double negative forms a positive. But in some languages, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, in no language in the world can a double positive form a negative.”

But then a voice from the back of the room piped up, “Yeah, right.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

How do Japanese people learn to say milk in English?

Dairy practice.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Chris Pratt's German Joke (in English)

Dieter and his grandpa Peter are sitting on top of a hill. Peter turns to Dieter and says, "You see all those houses down there? I built them with my bare hands, but do they call me Peter the House Builder? No."

Then Peter points to a church by the houses. "I built that church with my bare h...

Always pray in English...

Mr. Sharma, a Hindu suffered a heart attack. The paramedics arrived and put Mr. Sharma in the ambulance and raced towards the hospital. Realizing his time had come, Mr. Sharma started reciting the Hindu prayer, "Hari Om, Hari Om, Hari Om..."

10 minutes later the paramedics brought him back to...

Politics Is the Most Accurate Word In English

It's made up of two other parts.

1 - Poly - meaning many
2 - Ticks - blood sucking insects.

My friend lived in China for a long time, this was the only joke that he heard that made sense in English.

Xi went to Guangxi and spoke with the governor about the fine people of China.

The governor: Fine people...I don't know.

Xi: I will show you. Hey you! Come here! What do you do?

Farmer: I'm a farmer.

Xi: Let me ask you, if you had two houses, would you give one to the gov...

A german joke in english

Last week Otto the German was driving from Germany to Paris to visit some relatives.
A French cop stops him and asks the usual questions:


cop: name?

Otto: Otto

cop: address?

Otto: 341 Brandenburg Street, Berlin

cop: Occupation?

Otto: no, just visitin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In English class..

Teacher: Tell me a sentence that starts with "I".

Student: I is the..

Teacher: Stop! Never put "is" after "I." Always put 'am' after "I".

Student: OK. I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An English man was trying to teach a Japanese man how to tell time in English...

The English man says to the Japanese man, “what time is it now?” The Japanese man looks at the clock and says “it’s 4 o’clock.”
The English man asks again, 30 minutes later, “now what’s the time?” The Japanese man replies with “it’s 4:30 o’clock” the English man and Japanese man celebrate by goi...

Turkish joke translated in english

a day in a commercial flight, one british vampire, one french vampire and vampire temel (classic turkish funny character) are traveling.

after a while british vampire get thirsty, morph himself into a bat and flies away for few minutes and comes back with a bloody face.
french and temel as...

What word in English language is always spelled incorrectly?

Answer : Incorrectly

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My first attempt at a joke in English (I'm Italian)

A group of friends is playing poker.

Now it's Michael's turn to give cards. He's got a broken hand in a cast, so he starts to shuffle them clumsily. He's really pissed at his condition and gets mad.

His friend Jim then interrupts him and says:

"Look, the problem is not the broke...

Here's a joke I translated from Polish. I hope it works in English too.

How many Americans does it take to change a lightbulb?

Just one.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny is in English class...

And the teacher calls on the class. "Who can give me an example of a sentence using the word, 'Definitely'?"

Little Susie raises her hand, "The sky is definitely blue."

"Very good," replies the teacher, "but when it's nighttime the sky is black, and when it's raining the sky is grey. A...

I wanted to see if this Hindi joke still works in English

My son.

Nope, still useless.

Does this one work in english...?

Q: What borders on stupidity and ignorance?
A: Canada and Mexico

Joke by my little cousin : Which Dino was the best in English?

The Saurus

My friends that majored in English always tell me the same thing

Welcome to Starbucks!

What does La Quinta mean in English?

Next to Denny’s

I try to tell this joke in english :]

There's a young boy, with no arms, nor legs called Lumpi.
Lumpi plays in front of his house in the sandbox, then a window opens on the 4th floor and Lumpi's mother yells at him "Lumpi time to eat!" and she throws down a rope.
As Lumpi sees the rope hanging out of his window, he starts to rob ...

Here my attempt to translate a Dutch joke in English

2 blond girls meet up. The first girl asks the other: "which is further away, the moon or Australia?" The other things about this long and hard and comes back with her answer after an hour: "the moon is closer, definitely the moon." "How come?" asks the first girl. "Well," says the other "we can see...

Sugar is the only word in English language in which "Su" is pronounced as "Shu".

I am pretty sure about it.

Jokes in English

Doctor: "I'm sorry but you suffer from a terminal illness and have only 10 to live."

Patient: "What do you mean, 10? 10 what? Months? Weeks?!"

Doctor: "Nine."

I love using Latin phrases in English

And vice versa

This is a portuguese joke so idk how well it will be in English but...

A man orders rice and beans in a restaurant. When his meal comes he notices a little fiber in his food and tells the waiter. The waiter then explains theres nothing to worry about, its just from the sack of beans. However the man still insists on getting another plate. The waiter, complying, yells o...

Why should you never use double negatives in English?

Because they're just a no-no.

Is any word in English more annoying than "bae"?

Maybae not.

In English class I learned the word for when you take someone literally.

“Kidnapping”

What does "Kremlin" translate to in English?

White House.

I don't know if those french jokes exist in english but here they are

1. The classic
A man walks into a coffee and calls around "Hey all, it's me !". They all turn around, turns out it wasn't him.

2. The other classic
A man walks into a coffee.
Sploosh

3. The alternative
A blind man walks into a bar. And then into a table. And then into a cha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian dreams in English

from Mila Kunis AMA

Question: Do you ever think in russian? What about dreams?

Mila Kunis:
> I dream in english. That actually happened, later in life, but now I dream in english. When I learned to speak english fluently, my dreams changed to english.

>*Strange, right?*...

Two mexican children are learning how to count in english

The first one asks: "What was it that comes after twenty?

The second one absentmindedly replies: "What?"

To which the first one angrily responds: "Twenty, Juan!"

READ THESE LETTERS IN ENGLISH FOR FUNNY PHRASE IN SPANISH

2 T N S L P P B N T S O

I asked my Spanish teacher what "no se" meant in English..

..he said he didn't know.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The most functional word in English language is...

The most functional word in the English language is... Shit. That's right, shit! Consider this:

You can be shit faced, shit out of luck, or have shit for brains.
With a little effort, you can get your shit together, find a place for your shit or, decide to shit or get off the pot.
...

In just 24 hours, my level in English has increased dramatically.

I understood almost all words from the presidential press conference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mexican boy in english class...

A mexican boy in english class passed a note to his friend. The teacher saw it, and screeched "WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?"

To which he replied, "writing an esé"

I didn't pay attention in English class so now I can't use contractions properly

But it's what it's.

I don't understand why so many people major in English Literature.

I mean there's only so many ways to ask, "Do you want fries with that?"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Little Johnny never paid attention in English class.

The teacher, thinking he would catch Johnny off-gaurd, asked him a question to put him on the spot in front of the class.
"Johnny, can you give an example of a rhetorical question?"

Johnny responded, "Why don't you go fuck yourself?!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Russian lady married an English gentleman and they lived in London .

She was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.

One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request, so, in desperation, clucked l...

One time in English Class our teacher asked us to make a sentence with the word “Dandelion”.

Carl says “The dandelion is beautiful.”
The Jamaican Transfer Student then says “The cheetah is faster DanDeLion.”

In English grammar, periods are very important. They can alter the entire meaning of what is being said.

For example:

Johnny was on his trampoline, moving up and down in total bliss.

Johnny was on his period, moving up and down in total bliss.

I was watching Star Wars in English Class

And a classmate says "metaphors be with you"

A teacher is telling her students that, in English, two negatives make a positive but two positives don’t make a negative.

A student from the back yells “yeah right”

This guy shows up at a farm and says he knows how to make animals speak

The farmer says, "That's ridiculous."

So the guy walks up to the farmer's cow and says "Moo moo moo."

The cow replies in English, "Oh, thank you for asking. He generally treats me very well. He milks me promptly at 5:30am every morning. If I had one suggestion, I wish he'd change the w...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.