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Hospital Room Jokes

A man wakes up and finds himself alone in a hospital room.

He has no recollection of how he got there. While pondering his situation, his bedside phone rings, and he answers it.

A doctor on the other end identifies himself, and tells the man: "I have really bad news. You're very sick. After your collapse yesterday, we ordered several tests, and got...

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Guy wakes up in a hospital room, badly beaten within inches of his life.

The doctor is standing over him and asks him what happened.

He thinks back. “I was golfing with my wife. She shanked her pink ball into a small cow pasture, just beyond the rough. I went to look for it and finally found it in a cow’s butthole.

Last thing I remember is I lifted the tai...

The doctor walked out of the hospital room and went to the nurse station.



"Can you tell me why the two patients in room 231 are in the same bed?", he asked.

"Certainly! One has a fever and the other has frostbite and I thought they might cancel each other out." the nurse replied.

A hobbit walks into a hospital room.

His grandfather was on his deathbed. After talking to him, he laid down and closed his eyes. He slowly got an erection. Everyone in the room was slightly confused. Sensing the tension in the room, he whispered something in his grandson's ear and died. When others asked him what it was, he replied "O...

Two men are sharing a hospital room.

"What are you in here for?" the first man asks.

"I'm getting a circumcision ," his roommate replies.

"Damn," exclaims the first man. "I had that done to me when I was born, and I couldn't walk for a year."

So, the make a wish foundation arrives at a hospital room

They talk to the child laying there,
“ are you ready for the surprise of a lifetime“
The kid in a raspy voice replies, “ So a short one?”

I fix ruined hospital rooms for a living.

It's a rewarding job.

Three men are sitting in a hospital room. The first asks the second how he contracted COVID19.

He replies, "Because I support Boris Johnson's herd immunity."

The first man responds "But I am here because I attended a protest against Boris Johnson's herd immunity!"

They turn to the third man who has been sitting quietly in the back, and ask him how he contracted the virus.
...

So a guy goes into the hospital for a hip replacement.

He's laying in the hospital bed, when another guy walks into the hospital room that looks like he could be his twin brother.

Except this guy is slimmer, wearing a stylish blazer, a sharp hat, a goatee and sunglasses.

"Who are you?" the guy asks.

"I'm your hip replacement."

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Two Italian brothers are in a hospital room while one of them is dying

Giuseppe and Arnaldo are sitting in the hospital room that will be Arnaldo's last room to occupy. They're both grief stricken and unsure of what to do.

Giuseppe decides to make him an offer.

"Arnaldo, my brother... I live you very much. I want to fulfill your dying wish. Name one thing...

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A distraught husband begs a doctor to help save his comatose wife.

The doctor says there's not much hope, but there's one slightly unconventional thing left to try.

"Okay! What's that?" the husband says.

"Go into her room and have oral sex with her. It's her only hope."

The husband goes into his wife's hospital room and comes running out three ...

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Dr. Sigmund had just been named the new head psychiatrist at a mental hospital. (Long)

He decided to make the rounds of the ward and introduce himself to the patients. In the first hospital room he met Patient #1, who seemed to be playing an imaginary game of baseball

Dr. Sigmund asked, "Tell me, why were you placed in this hospital?"

"They're all jealous of me!" said P...

A dumb guy visits a hunting club and asks a hunter how he killed his first buck.

The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, followed the tracks, and shot the buck. The dumb guy, satisfied with the answer, soon leaves.

The following day the dumb guy returns to the hunter and asks how he shot his first rabbit. The hunter says he got his gun, went into the woods, f...

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How does having sex with a woman who just have birth feel like?

Pretty awkward for the staff and family members in the hospital room.

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A woman delivers a baby.

Her Doctor takes the baby, and throws it, smashing around the hospital room, drop-kicking it, etc. Mother starts freaking out, being held back by nurses, begging “WHYYYY!!??”. Doctor holds baby upside down by the ankle and says “I’m just fucking with you, it was born dead”.

A man is overjoyed to find out that his wife has given birth to a baby girl, their second child.

Before entering the hospital room, the man gives his son a pep talk. "Son, before we go to see your baby sister, I have to inform you that she was born without ears. Please be nice, and don't mention anything to your mother."

"Ok", the son replied. Immediately upon entering the room, the son ...

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The last joke my grandma told me

Note: My grandmother used to call me up once a week and tell me the latest joke that she had picked up from who knows where. She passed away earlier this year and I cannot begin to say how much I miss her jokes. This one was the last one that she ever told me. It wasn't the funniest by itself bu...

The doctor

A doctor walks in to a man’s hospital room and says: So you know how they say time is like money?
The man says: Yeah…?
The doctor says: Well… you‘re broke.

An Englishman and an Irishman...

An Englishman and an Irishman are in the hospital room in adjacent beds.

The Englishman looks over at the Irishman and peels away his oxygen mask from his face. "I'm English." Said the Englishman. The Irishman also takes away his oxygen mask and gasps, "Irish."

The Englishman slowly ...

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Worst Injury Imaginable

A South American guy gets into a terrible accident. When he comes to in the hospital, he looks down and sees a bloody rag covering his groin, and notices he can't feel his penis.

A doctor walks into his hospital room and the guy looks at him, and says, through tears "Give it to me straight, D...

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Man in hospital

A nurse goes into an older man's hospital room and asks the man, "What would you like for breakfast today?" The older man sits up and begins to describing what meal he would like to have brought out to him...

"I would like a glass of orange juice but instead of using a clean cup, I would like...

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A father asks his son what he wants for his 15th birthday

His son says, “Dad, I have everything I could ever want. But there is one thing that would make me the happiest person alive.”

The dad, wanting to make his son happy, asks his son what that is.

His son replies, “I want a single ping pong ball.”

Confused, his dad agrees, and on h...

A mother was pregnant with triplets.(2 girls, one boy)

A guy enters her hospital room and shoots three bullets into her stomach, which hit each of the three children.

The babies luckily survive, but the mother dies.

Ten years later...

One of the girls run up to her dad and says, "Daddy, I went to the bathroom and out came a bullet!"...

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Nurse walks in to a patient's room

In a hospital room, a patient is lying in bed with an oxygen mask on.
A pretty, young nurse walks in and says, "I'm here to change your sheets!"

Patient says, "Please, nurse, are my testicles black?"

Nurse blushes and says, "I'm just here to change your sheets!"

Patient say...

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