Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a bar at the top floor of a building...

She sits down and orders a drink, she hears a drunk man at the end of the bar talking loud about his drink. So she asks him,

“what are you drinking?”

The man proclaims.

“This is the worlds greatest drink! It gives you powers!”

The woman thinking the man is crazy, simpl...

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!


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I'm so sorry

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A naked woman accidentally fell off of her 22nd story balcony. On her way down...

a gentleman from the 18th floor sticks his head out and catches her hand. As he hangs on to her hand he yells “If you promise to blow me then I’ll save your life!”

“What is wrong with you?! Just fucking save me!!” She replies in disbelief.

The gentleman then proceeds to let her fall. ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A construction worker on the seventh floor of a building needs a handsaw

A construction worker working on the seventh floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and tries yelling that he needs a handsaw. The worker on the ground floor looks up, but because of the distance he can't make out what the worker on the seventh floor is say...

The floor is lava in 5.. 4.. 3.. 2.. 1..

Ah forget it, you're just in bed anyway.

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A brothel opened on the 2nd floor...

Within a couple months the shop below it, on the 1rst floor, had to close.

When the shopkeeper was asked why he had to close up, he lamented that “there was too much fucking overhead”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I accidentally stepped on my girlfriend's bra on the floor...

...it was a booby trap.

A group of college students are having a party in a flat on the 10th floor.

It's been going for a while now, everyone is properly drunk and baked. One of them decides that since they're so high up, they might be even able to reach Mars, so he takes an empty carton, writes "Mission to Mars" on it, and with other partygoers assistance is thrown out of the window with it. They...

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

On local news this morning: A woman in Dublin escaped a fire in a block of flats by jumping from the top floor onto a trampoline below.

Several times.

I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend spilled ice all over the floor

at first i was pissed off but now it's just water under the fridge

A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."

The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."

"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertai...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Bill is laying bricks on the 20th floor of a construction site

When he accidentally knocked a brick, causing it to fall off the edge!
He quickly yelled out "Falling Brick!"

Looking down, he notices that a rather well-dressed businessman has stepped out of the way of the brick and is making his way up to him. "You saved my life mate, here's $100" sai...

The 35 floors

A mother and her child drive home after a long day. They park, enter their building and notice the elevator is broken. The mother, exhausted, sighs and starts climbing the stairs to the 35th floor, where they lived.

-"Mommy..."
-"Not now, honey, I'm too tired to talk..."
-"But mommy!"...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

NSFW/ A white guy is waiting in an elevator and a big black guy walks in on the next floor

The white guy stares and is astonished by how big this dude is. The black guy notices him staring. A minute goes by and the black guy says, “6’ 8”....... 280........ 13 inches...... Turner Brown”.

The white guy passes out and falls on the ground.

He is awoken by the black guy asking ...

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

What do you say if Jordin Tootoo gets on the same elevator as you and you're both going to the second floor?

"I'm going to two too, Tootoo"

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

Why do Swedes crawl on the floor in stores?

To look for the lowest prices.

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

What do you call it when a white man on a dance floor has a seizure?

An improvement

What do you call a boxer who pours concrete floors as a day job?

Apollo Screed

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on a floor

But only for like twenty seconds

So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?".
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

In short, this joke will put you on the floor!

It's a 1 inch punch line.

I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

Country girl Sheila, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.

She yelled out for her Ol' Man, "Biker John!
He came running in.

"I've suctioned myself to the floor."

"Biker John tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck re...

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

A cop tells his sergeant, "Wow, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"

"Oh, so you have arrested her then?" The sergeant asked.

"No, not yet. The floor is still wet."

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

"The floor is lava"

\- Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.

I don’t get why people don’t like sitting on floors...

It’s like they think it’s beneath them or something

I saw a homeless man picking unfinished cigarettes up off the floor.

It's good that he's doing his bit for the environment.

I woke up this morning to find my books scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only my shelf to blame.

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?

He was just going through a stage.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What's the similarity between a member of r/jokes and an elevator on the top floor?

They let everyone down.

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

Just got banned from weight watchers club, after I dropped a bag of chocolate Maltesers on the floor.

It was the best god damn game of hungry hippos I have ever seen.

A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.

In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the...

I rode on an elevator to the eleventh floor and the operator jammed the door and introduced himself as Rick.

"Let me out, Rick! This isn't my floor!" I begged.

He smiled. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down."

Two guys were staying at a hotel on the 45th floor

Please excuse formatting, I’m on mobile.

As they were checking in, the receptionist said that the elevator was broken and that they could have a room on the first floor. The guys said that they would take the stairs and for the first 15 floors, they would sing songs, the next 15 floors they ...

A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most?

The floor is lava.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I saw a cockroach on my floor the other day ...

I saw a cockroach on my floor the other day ...

I went to spray Raid on him but accidentally grabbed a can of Axe body spray. Now his name is Chad and he won't shut up about crossfit.

There are some issues with the top floor of my house...

It's problem-attic.

Went to the zoo and one of the enclosures just had a load of burger buns on the floor.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor

It was one thousand legs under the sea.

Did you hear about the vegan that jumped from the 10th floor?

He turned into a vegetable.

My wife said, “I’ve never seen you mop or vacuum in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

A doctor goes out and buys the best car on the market, a brand new Ferrari GTO. It is also the most expensive car in the world, and it costs him $500,000. He takes it out for a spin and stops at a red light.

An old man on a moped, looking about 100 years old, pulls up next to him.

The old man looks over at the sleek shiny car and asks, “What kind of car ya got there, sonny?”

The doctor replies, “A Ferrari GTO. It cost half a million dollars!”

“That’s a lot of money,” says the old ma...

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A pianist was trying to be unique by lying down on the floor and playing the piano simultaneously during a concert.

Needless to say, he was flat.

Two Irishmen are nailing a floor

Patty picks up a nail, looks at it and throws it away. He picks up another, looks at it and throws it away as well. Mick sees him and asks what he’s doing.
Patty - Them nails were no good, they were upside down.
Mick - You idiot, save those ones for the roof...

A group of construction workers, an Irishmen, a Mexican, and a Blonde are sitting on the 24th floor of a construction building...

The Irishman says "corn beef cabbage again, I swear to God if i get corn beef cabbage again I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Mexican man says "tacos and beans, goddamnit, I swear to god if I get tacos and beans one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Blonde man says "bologna...

My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

A company is building a tower with diffrent floors

The first floor will be a hexagon the 2nd pentagon, ah you dont need to hear it from me, each story has diffrent sides anyways

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

A man visits an asylum with 8 floors.

There, he talks to the manager of the asylum, who guides him through it.

"Let me explain to you how this building works. In the first floor, we've got the inmates that aren't very crazy. On the second floor, we've got the ones who are just a bit crazy. On the third floor, we have the ones who...

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly kick them under the refrigerator.

It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

Do you know the game where the floor is lava?

It's a great hit in Hawaii

I smashed a sheet of glass on the floor and I can't find the last piece....

It's a bit of a pane.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If a building has 12 floors and each one is named after a month, how do you call the elevator?

By pressing the button

My gym moved to a different floor.

It took my fitness routine to a whole new level.

(Stolen idea but funny) My kid embarrassed me by throwing a huge fit and rolling around on the floor when I took him shopping.

That's the last time I take an epileptic kid to the strobe light store

What does a emo girl have in common with floor tiles?

Once you lay them, you can walk all over them.

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

My friend dropped his box of Italian pastries on the floor.

I cannoli imagine what he must be going through.

A man falls down on a street from fifth floor, but seems to be relatively unharmed and manages to stand up.

People run up to him and ask: “Are you all right?! What happened?!”

The man answers: “I don’t know, I just got here myself”.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A department store was opened to sell Husbands. The store had 6 floors...

Now the rule was you could purchase any husband from any floor, but once you went up to another level you could not go back down, but to exit the store.

A lady entered and the sign on the first floor said 'men with a job', she went up to the next level which read 'men with a job and likes kid...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Two guys are sitting in a bar one night on the 20th floor of a hotel.

The first guy says to the second guy "Did you know if you jump out the window, right around the time you pass the 10th floor there is a huge updraft that will lift you back up to the bar?"

The second guy, of course, doesn't believe him so he says "Prove it!"

So the first guy jumps out ...

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So there’s a 12-floor building

The first floor is named January
Second floor is February
Third is March
Forth is April
Fifth is May
Sixth is June
Seventh -July
Eight - August
Ninth - September
Tenth October
Eleventh November
And finally the twelfth floor is named December.

How do ...

I want to write a show called "Pun". I'll have the script printed out and taped to the floor of the set.

It'll be a play on words.

I don't like floors.

They make up stories.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

A man on the floor in a factory stands, not doing any work.

CEO comes up and asks his salary.

The man replies - $1000

The CEO pulls out his wallet, gives the man $1,000 and says - here's your month salary. I pay people to work here. Get out and never come back !

The man l...

A Woman Shoots Her Husband For Stepping On The Clean Floor…

A police officer jumps into his squad car and calls the station.

“I have an interesting case here,” he says. “A woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped.”

“Have you arrested her?” asks the sergeant.

“No, not yet. The floor’s still wet.”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My grandad pointed to my dog while he was rubbing his arse on the floor.

I said, "Don't try and distract me, old man."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

The janitor couldn't remember where he put the floor polisher

As a programmer, this isn't the first time I encountered a 'buffer allocation failure due to memory error'

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The 5th floor of the construction site

A man named Alex, is on the 5th floor of a construction site, and he really needed a Hammer but he didn't want to have to climb down to the ground to go an grab one. So Alex called out to his mate Jacob on the ground floor.


"HEY JACOB" Alex yelled, "CAN YOU RUN ME UP A HAMMER, MATE?"
<...

The cost of dropping your phone on the floor

If you drop your iPhone on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 149$.

If you drop your HTC on the floor the cost of getting the phone repaired is 200$.

If you drop your Nokia on the floor the cost of getting the floor repaired is 2000$.

The floor is lava!

Said everyone, Pompeii 79 A.D.


[EDIT: For those saying it's a pyroclastic flow.](https://www.reddit.com/r/Jokes/comments/6rdz3m/comment/dl5t2se?st=J5Y0ORG8&sh=e10af661)
By the way, thanks for giving me a trip to the front page! :)

Interviewer : "Just imagine you're in the 20th floor of a building and it's on fire. How will you escape?"

"It's simple.. I will just stop my imagination."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy went down the stairs from the 20th floor while looking out the window downstair of each floor

Then once he reached the ground floor he hugged the man sitting outside. Then the man said "what the fuck? Do I know you???" Then the guy said "i knew you when you were very little"

From how high can you drop an egg onto a concrete floor without breaking it?

Higher than you would think, the structural integrity of a well laid concrete floor renders it virtually indestructible towards an incoming egg, even at terminal velocity.