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A man walked into a bar on the 100th floor of a building, chugged a pint, then jumped out of an open window.

Ten minutes later, with no injuries, he ran back into the bar, chugged a pint, then jumped out of the same window.

When he returned ten minutes later, a man asked him how he survived.

“You see, alcohol makes you warmer and heat rises. So if you chug a pint really quickly then concentra...

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What's a difference between falling from 10th floor and falling from 1st floor?

First floor: \***THUD**\* "*Shit*!"
Tenth floor: "*Shit*!" \***THUD**\*

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Bitch floor!

This happened around ten years ago.

I have a friend, at that time she was 18 years old and 150cm (5 feet) tall blonde girl. We live in a part of Finland where you don’t regularly meet other than Finnish people.

She was about to take her first trip abroad to the Los Angeles and was li...

A guy joins a monastery and takes a vow of silence: he's allowed to say two words every seven years. After the first seven years, the elders bring him in and ask for his two words. "Cold floors," he says. They nod and send him away. Seven years pass. They bring him back in and ask for his two words.

He clears his throat and says, "Bad food." They nod and send him away. Seven more years pass. They bring him in for his two words. "I quit," he says. "That's not surprising," the elders say. "You've done nothing but complain since you got here."

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I love all these signs in men's bathrooms stating stuff like "stand closer" or "don't pee on the floor" or "pee elegantly" or "please aim" or ...

I have to assume any such sign was thought up by someone who has never operated a dick before.

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My wife left her bra on the floor of our bedroom. It almost killed me when I tripped over it this morning.

Stupid boobie traps.

I used to live in the 13th floor but have just moved up to the 14th floor

But that’s another storey.

When I was a kid we were so poor we had to eat sitting on the floor.

Every supper, mom would cook up another batch of filet mignons and we’d sit around on the floor eating them like a picnic.

One day dad came home and said he’d taken a gamble and bought us a table. Ever since then, the steaks have been raised.

There are bones on the floor and my bed is stained red.

I knew eating bbq ribs was a mistake when I felt a sneeze coming.

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A Jewish man is about to die on the floor of his home.

His whole family rushes when he hits the floor.

With a weak voice and a slight sob, he says "Is everyone here?"

Yes, father. We wouldn't be anywh---

His father interrupts him and says "Then why the fuck is the kitchen light on?"

A man is on an elevator delivering jokes to children at a children's hospital when someone gets off at a floor and asks "Do you need to make a delivery on this floor?"

The man replies "no, this joke is next level"

I just helped a poor old lady up off the floor after she had slipped in the rain.

Well, I presume she's poor, she only had £2.57 in her purse.

Why was the pig forced to sleep on the floor?

He was hogging the bed!

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Woman searching for a husband

A woman goes to the husband store. The store owner tells her each floor has better quality men, but once she leaves a floor she can not return. On the first floor are nice, cute men. "I can do better" she thinks to herself. She goes to the second floor. There she finds nice, cute men with high payin...

What do you call a book that was thrown on the floor?

Litter-ature

Teacher: Why are you doing your multiplication on the floor?

Student: You told me not to use tables.

Why did the mango flop on the floor

Because he was depressed

Whst do you call a steak that you just dropped on the floor?

Ground beef

A sailor is newly stationed on a submarine. He arrives to find all the other sailors at their posts performing different tasks. One is scrubbing the floor. One is restocking the shelves. One is inspecting the missiles. Etc., etc.

After 15 minutes, all the sailors switch posts/jobs. After another 15 minutes, they all switch again. Happens a third time 15 minutes later. This behavior is so odd, the sailor asks his commanding officer: “is this some kind of unique practical joke you’re playing on the new guy?”

“No,” r...

I could get to the second floor using the stairs or I could use a structure consisting of a series of bars or steps between two upright length of wood, metal, or rope.

I chose the ladder.

Why are people like hardwood floors?

If you lay them right the first time, you can walk on them for life.

I worked at a movie theater for five days

Despite my short time working there, I'll never forget one customer. On my first day there, I watched him enter the theater to watch the latest summer blockbuster. A few hours later, he walked out, looking a little frustrated. It was my first day, and I wanted to be helpful, so I went up to him and ...

I rode the elevator to the eleventh floor, and as I got out, the operator said "Have a good day, son"

"Don't call me son," I said. "You're not my dad."

He scratched his head. "No, but I brought you up, didn't I?"

Friend of mine bought a Rolex but the glass popped off and then the mechanism came loose and fell to the floor...

...I said watch out!

Three guys are staying on the top floor of a 600 story hotel.

They return from a party one night and discover that the elevator is broken, so they have to take the stairs to the 600th floor.

They decide that in order to pass the time each of them would tell a story.

For the first 200 floors, someone would tell a happy story, then for the next 200...

What room has no walls, no floor and no ceiling ?

A mushroom.

(waiting for JokeExplainBot to explain it)

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There are three construction workers sitting on the 20th floor of a building...

As their legs hang off the side of the building, they open up their packed lunches. The first worker looks at his sandwich and says;

"Damn it! A ham sandwich again? If I get one more ham sandwich, I'm jumping off this building!"

The second worker opens his lunch and responds;

"Y...

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There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor

There was this construction worker on the 3rd floor of this unfinished building. He needed a hand saw, but was too lazy to go down and get it himself, so he tried to call his fellow worker on the ground to get it for him, but this guy could not hear a word he said. So he started to give a sign so th...

Why don't people sympathize when your books fall onto the floor?

Because you only have your shelf to blame.

What did Jesus do when he found his floors were dirty?

Jesus swept

Shakespeare is visiting his friend who lives in an apartment building. He remembers that he said they were on the second floor in room B. He walks up the stairs and finds the room, but upon reaching to knock, he hesitates and wonders if his friend said he was on the second floor or third floor:

He thinks too himself “2B or not 2B?”
That is the question!

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

A study claims the filthiest location in a typical home isn't the kitchen floor,

the bin,

or even the toilet seat.

It's actually the hard drive.

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Guy driving down a highway sees a chicken with three legs overtaking him. He floors it

and the chicken stays ahead of him. He’s never seen anything like it, so he follows the chicken but it speeds up, 60, 80, 100 mph! He can barely keep it in sight, but sees it get off the highway and then, at the last second, sees it dash into a farmyard. He skids to a stop and sees the chicken run u...

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Why did the janitor pick up the poop from the floor?

Because it was his duty!

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Construction Code

A construction worker on the third floor of a building needs a handsaw. He sees one of the laborers on the first floor and yells down to him, but the man indicates that he can't hear. So, the guy on the third floor tries to use signs. He points to his eye, meaning, "I", then at his knee, meaning, "n...

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

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A woman walks into a bar at the top floor of a building...

She sits down and orders a drink, she hears a drunk man at the end of the bar talking loud about his drink. So she asks him,

“what are you drinking?”

The man proclaims.

“This is the worlds greatest drink! It gives you powers!”

The woman thinking the man is crazy, simpl...

I saw a woman drop her purse in the high street this morning, so I quickly followed her.

As I was just about to tap her on the shoulder she started running for a bus.


So I ran after her shouting, "You dropped your purse! You dropped your purse!"


She didn't hear me and proceeded to get onto the bus, so I got on the bus too.


As I walked to the back o...

Why does the library have so many floors?

CAUSE IT'S FULL OF STORIES!!!








I'm so sorry

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A brothel opened on the 2nd floor...

Within a couple months the shop below it, on the 1rst floor, had to close.

When the shopkeeper was asked why he had to close up, he lamented that “there was too much fucking overhead”

Floors take on so much responsibility...

It's like everything falls to them.

I hate seeing a person clip their nails and leaving it on the floor

especially when we lock eyes through the bedroom window

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A rich Mexican buisnessman by the name of Jesus bought an apartment at the top floor of Burj Khalifa

He decided to invite his father to view his apartment and have a nice time together.He sent a plane ticket for his father in Mexico, and ordered his personal assistant to wait for him outside the airport.

When the father arrived, the assistant approached him to carry his luggage. The father a...

A blonde woman wanted to commit suicide by jumping from the 10th floor of her building but her building only had 5 floors

So she jumped from the 5th floor twice

A giraffe walks into a bar and lies on the floor

The bartender asks a nearby customer "what's that lyin' on the floor?"
The customer replies "that's a giraffe not a lion!"

Floor 13 may be haunted, but floor 666...

...is a whole different storey.

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Little Billy is standing in the barn with his grandpa. There are rabbits in the barn and their droppings are all over the floor.

The boy says, "What are all these pellets on the ground, grandpa?"

Grandpa says, "They're smart pills, Billy. Eat them and you'll get smarter."

Little Billy liked the sound of that so he grabbed a handful off the ground and shoved them in his mouth. He immediately spit them out and s...

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A construction worker on the seventh floor of a building needs a handsaw

A construction worker working on the seventh floor of a building needed a handsaw. He spots another worker on the ground floor and tries yelling that he needs a handsaw. The worker on the ground floor looks up, but because of the distance he can't make out what the worker on the seventh floor is say...

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A couple moves in together and brings their pets. The man says “before you moved in, my cat used to throw up and shit everywhere, now when I come home the floors are spotless.”

The woman responded “yeah it’s weird, my dog used to whine because he was hungry all the time but not since we moved in.”

(Grandma told me this one) why did the teach put a clock on the floor of her desk?

Because she wanted to work overtime

My company just installed an elevator that labels the ground floor as "2" and goes up from there.

It's wrong on so many levels.

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What kind of moves does 242 year old ink bust out on the dance floor?

Indapendance

Fucking crucify me

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Went to a club with the wife and there was a guy on the dance floor going mental - twerking, breakdancing, spinning, moonwalking, back flips, the whole lot . My wife turned to me and said, “See that guy? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

I said, "By the looks of it, he’s still fucking celebrating!”

I dropped an egg onto a concrete floor and it didn't break…

This is probably because concrete floors are really hard...

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I accidentally stepped on my girlfriend's bra on the floor...

...it was a booby trap.

A guy goes to visit his friend who lives on the 100th floor

At the reception, the friend welcomes him with a grim news "The elevator is not working so we have to take the stairs."

The guy afraid says "But that's a long climb.."

"Don't worry" His friend replies "We can tell each other horror stories while we climb up. That way we can be entertai...

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A bartender is closing up and sees a customer lying on the floor

He picks him up, and the guy falls down. He picks him up, guy falls down again. Finally the bartender slings the guy over his shoulder and takes him to an address he finds in the guy's wallet. When they get to the guy's house the bartender stands him up again, and the guy crumples to the ground.<...

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Bill is laying bricks on the 20th floor of a construction site

When he accidentally knocked a brick, causing it to fall off the edge!
He quickly yelled out "Falling Brick!"

Looking down, he notices that a rather well-dressed businessman has stepped out of the way of the brick and is making his way up to him. "You saved my life mate, here's $100" sai...

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NSFW/ A white guy is waiting in an elevator and a big black guy walks in on the next floor

The white guy stares and is astonished by how big this dude is. The black guy notices him staring. A minute goes by and the black guy says, “6’ 8”....... 280........ 13 inches...... Turner Brown”.

The white guy passes out and falls on the ground.

He is awoken by the black guy asking ...

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My friend spilled ice all over the floor

at first i was pissed off but now it's just water under the fridge

So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?".
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

A man walks into a library and says "You got any books on floors?"

The librarian says "Unfortunately no, we store our books on shelves like everyone else".

HUSBANDS FOR SALE !!!

A store that sells husbands has just opened,
where a woman may go to choose a husband.

Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the shopper a...

The 35 floors

A mother and her child drive home after a long day. They park, enter their building and notice the elevator is broken. The mother, exhausted, sighs and starts climbing the stairs to the 35th floor, where they lived.

-"Mommy..."
-"Not now, honey, I'm too tired to talk..."
-"But mommy!"...

I found my son hanging from a rope in his bedroom. On the floor was a note saying, "I can't stand the critism anymore." I quickly cut him down, gave him CPR and he started to breath....

As he lay in my arms, I saw his eyes slowly open and I said, "That's not how you spell criticism."

I used to have a goldfish which breakdanced on a floor

But only for like twenty seconds

In short, this joke will put you on the floor!

It's a 1 inch punch line.

It took over a month to install our floor-to-ceiling windows.

It was a big pane.

A department store opened in downtown area that sold men and a woman decides to visit it in search of a husband.

At the store’s entrance, there’s a sign outlining the department store policy.

* The first rule states that you can only enter the store once.
* There are six floors and on each floor you can choose a husband or elect to move on to the next floor.
* You cannot visit a floor more than on...

I woke up this morning to find my books scattered all over the floor.

I’ve only my shelf to blame.

A woman lives in an apartment with three neighbors on her floor

One night while taking a shower, the door bell rings.

She puts on a towel, gets out, and looks through the door's peephole.

It's her neighbor who's a fireman. She opens the door.

"Hey, Just wanted to let you know I put out my first fire!" he exclaims.

"Congratulations!" S...

A cop tells his sergeant, "Wow, a woman shot her husband for stepping on the floor she just mopped"

"Oh, so you have arrested her then?" The sergeant asked.

"No, not yet. The floor is still wet."

What do you call it when a white man on a dance floor has a seizure?

An improvement

Merv was in a terrible accident at work. He fell through a floor tile and ripped off both of his ears. Since he was permanently disfigured, he settled with the company for a rather large sum of money and went on his way...

One day, Merv decided to invest his money in a small, but growing telecom business called R. Jokes Communications.

After weeks of negotiations, he bought the company outright.

But, after signing on the dotted line, he realized that he knew nothing about running such a business and qui...

Once upon a time a thief scouted out a house and got in through the second floor window

Soon he was stuffing his bag with jewelry but he heard a whisper "Jesus is watching"

He didn't move from the spot he was standing for a couple minutes thinking maybe the houses owner was home but soon he decided it was his imagination

But soon after resuming he heard it again "Jesus ...

"The floor is lava"

\- Everyone, Pompeii, 79 A.D.

I don’t get why people don’t like sitting on floors...

It’s like they think it’s beneath them or something

Country girl Sheila, got out of the shower and slipped on the bathroom tiles.

Instead of falling over forwards or backwards, she did the splits and suction cupped herself to the Bathroom Floor.

She yelled out for her Ol' Man, "Biker John!
He came running in.

"I've suctioned myself to the floor."

"Biker John tried to pull her up.
"You're stuck re...

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe...

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe...

I tried to build a new up staircase to the second floor out of duck feathers.

But they ended up down stairs.

Did you hear about the actor that fell through the floor boards?

He was just going through a stage.

Mr. Hoover sold vacuums. He dreamed about vacuums. When on vacation he went to the vacuum museum. He would dump dirt on the floor when he got home just so he could vacuum. One day he decided to try a career in stand-up comedy. Why was he a complete failure as a comedian?

He was mute.

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What's the similarity between a member of r/jokes and an elevator on the top floor?

They let everyone down.

What's black and long and has the ability to make any woman fall on the floor?

A police baton

I went up to a girl in the club last night and said, "That's a nice dress. Do you know what it would look even better on?" "Ha-ha, let me guess..." she sighed. "Your bedroom floor?!"

"No." I replied. "A better looking girl."

A father has two sons named Joe and Mikey and the live on the third floor of their apartment.

One day the father goes to store, but leaves the key to his car in the apartment. He see's Joe in the window and shouts to him, "throw my key out the window!"

Sadly, Mikey didn't survive the fall

Two guys were staying at a hotel on the 45th floor

Please excuse formatting, I’m on mobile.

As they were checking in, the receptionist said that the elevator was broken and that they could have a room on the first floor. The guys said that they would take the stairs and for the first 15 floors, they would sing songs, the next 15 floors they ...

What classic game do Hawaiian kids love the most?

The floor is lava.

Just got banned from weight watchers club, after I dropped a bag of chocolate Maltesers on the floor.

It was the best god damn game of hungry hippos I have ever seen.

A new nurse starts working at the hospital and is assigned to go take the vitals of the patients on the floor.

A second nurse is assigned to follow her to make sure she does it right and to check her work. The new nurse is chatting about how her nursing school is really pushing all kinds of new modern techniques and she can't wait to use them every day.

In the first patient's room, the nurse takes the...

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So I was walking downstairs from my apartment and my elbow hit the chest of a girl whom I had never seen.

"Ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your chest then you will forgive me", I said to her.

"If your dick is as hard as your elbow, I live on the 4th floor", she replied.

I just saw a convict on an elevator heading to the ground floor

He was condescending.

A doctor comes out to the maternity ward waiting room holding a newborn baby and suddenly drops him to the floor.

Seeing the father's shocked face, he laughs and says: "Haha, got you. Don't worry, he was born dead".

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The 1st day at school: the new student named Jose Armando, the son of a Mexican restaurateur, entered the 5th grade. The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history.Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"

She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Jose, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775."
"Very good!" apprised the teacher. "Now, who said, "Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth?"
Again, no response except from Jose :"Abraham Lincoln, 1863....

I rode on an elevator to the eleventh floor and the operator jammed the door and introduced himself as Rick.

"Let me out, Rick! This isn't my floor!" I begged.

He smiled. "Never gonna give you up. Never gonna let you down."

A Buddhist, a Muslim, and a Christian all jump off from the top of a 100-floor building to prove their faith can save them.

The Buddhist jumps first. As he's falling, he chants "Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha, Buddha." Sure enough, about halfway into falling down, he magically starts slowing down and he gently lands on the sidewalk. "Thank you, Buddha." he says with tears.

T...

A cargo ship carrying a shipment of mannequins sunk to the ocean floor

It was one thousand legs under the sea.

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I saw a cockroach on my floor the other day ...

I saw a cockroach on my floor the other day ...

I went to spray Raid on him but accidentally grabbed a can of Axe body spray. Now his name is Chad and he won't shut up about crossfit.

Did you hear about the vegan that jumped from the 10th floor?

He turned into a vegetable.

LPT: If you accidentally drop ice cubes on the floor, quietly kick them under the refrigerator.

It’ll soon be water under the fridge.

Went to the zoo and one of the enclosures just had a load of burger buns on the floor.

The zookeeper told me it was bread in captivity

A group of construction workers, an Irishmen, a Mexican, and a Blonde are sitting on the 24th floor of a construction building...

The Irishman says "corn beef cabbage again, I swear to God if i get corn beef cabbage again I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Mexican man says "tacos and beans, goddamnit, I swear to god if I get tacos and beans one more time I'm gonna jump from this roof"

The Blonde man says "bologna...

Today I learned that "Wet Floor" signs…

…are not a request…

My phone fell from the 20th floor,

good thing it was in airplane mode.

There are some issues with the top floor of my house...

It's problem-attic.

My friend claims that his apartment is 100 feet from ceiling to floor.

Bit of a tall story if you ask me.

The Husband Store

So a new store opened up in town where women can go and find the love of their lives. There are some rules though:

1. You can only shop once. Ever.
2. The quality of the 'merchandise' increases as you go up a floor (there are 6 floors total)
3. You can choose any product from any floor,...

My wife said, “I’ve never seen you mop or vacuum in my life!”

I said, “Floors are beneath me.”

69

A woman promises to teach her boyfriend what 69ing is.

He lies down on the floor and she squats down over his face to assume the position and farts. Embarrassed she stands up and apologises. She squats down for another go but farts again, she gets up and apologises again.

Before she ca...

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A woman reads an article about vaginas expanding as you age, and how to check yourself. She heads to the bathroom, takes the mirror off the wall, puts it on the floor and crouches over it....

Her husband walks down the hall, sees the scene through the door and rushes in and pushes his wife into the bath.
"What the fuck!?! You could have broken my arm!"
"Your arm?? If you'd fallen down that you would've broken your fucking neck!!"

A pianist was trying to be unique by lying down on the floor and playing the piano simultaneously during a concert.

Needless to say, he was flat.

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

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If a building has 12 floors and each one is named after a month, how do you call the elevator?

By pressing the button

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