UPJOKE
insomnianapawakekiprestcomaslumberrem sleepsleep disorderhibernatesleep apneastimulushibernationasleephomeostasis

Sleeping Jokes

What did Yoda tell Anakin after sleeping with Padame behind his back?

May divorce be with you

What do you call a bunch of employees caught sleeping on the job?

A Dream Team.

Three Guys Were Sleeping Together On A Single Bed

One on the left wakes up and says i had a dream i was getting a handjob from a hot blonde

The Guy on the right says that's weird i had a similar dream but the only difference is the girl giving me a handjob was a brunette

The one in the middle says well i had a dream where i was Skiing...

Is it okay to sleep with your third cousin

if you've stopped sleeping with the first two?

Don't ever take a sleeping pill and a laxative at the same time.

But if you do, you will sleep like a baby.

Do you ever just wake up and kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad that you are alive?

I just did and apparently I'm not allowed on this airline anymore...

President Trump is sleeping one night

President Trump is sleeping one night when the ghost of George Washington appears at the foot of his bed. Trump asks him, 'Georgie, my boy, how can I be a better president?' George says, 'First, never tell a lie.' Trump doesn't like this answer and yells for security. George disappears and Trump goe...

My girlfriend just broke up with me for sleeping with her Grandmother

Turns out I can't have my Kate and Edith too.

A man is sleeping next to his wife, when he hears a loud knock on his door.

He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's 3 AM.

"I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over.

Then, a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" says his wife.

So he drags himself out of bed, and goes downstairs.

He opens ...

I told my daughter, “Go to bed, the cows are sleeping in the field.” Puzzled, she asked, “What’s that got to do with anything?” I chuckled, "Well, that means..."

"It’s pasture bedtime!”

A boxer was having trouble sleeping.

He goes to the doctor.

Doctor asks "Have you tried counting sheep?”

Boxer replies "I have but every time I get to the count of eight, I stand up.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Ralph came home drunk one night, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber...

He awoke before the Pearly Gates where saint Peter said,"You died in your sleep Ralph."

Ralph was stunned. "I'm dead?No I can't be! I've got too much to live for. Send me back!

"St Peter said," I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken."

Ralph...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they
were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and
she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be wi...

A father puts his 3-year old daughter to bed. His daughter wanted to say a prayer before sleeping, so the father listened.

“God bless mommy, God bless daddy, God bless Grandma, Good bye grandpa”

The father asked “why did you say good bye grandpa?”

The little girl said “I don’t know, it just seemed like the right thing to say.”

The next morning, the family received news that the grandfather had inde...

«I'm sleeping with the minister's wife. Can you keep him busy in church for an hour after service for me?»

Mike doesn't like it, but being a friend, he agrees. After the service, Mike asks the minister all sorts of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.

Finally the minister gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to. Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses, "My friend is sleeping with...

Sleeping is so easy

I can do it with my eyes closed.

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

What's the best thing about sleeping with a geologist?

The ore-gasms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My parents got mad at me for sleeping with the autistic girl next door.

I didn’t really want to, but they told me my first time should be with someone special.

Fucking hypocrites

What do you call a sleeping walking nun?

A Roman Catholic

My dog keeps sleeping on my bed

Every time I think about it


I get a warm and fuzzy feeling

Why does Morrissey have trouble sleeping?

Because there's a light that never goes out.

What do you call a cop who’s sleeping?

A-resting undercover officer

Where will baby Kal-El be sleeping?

In his crib-tonight.

What do you call a boy cat sleeping on a bed?

Himalayan.

*Be gentle. First post on here!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One Early morning a mother went to her sleeping son and woke him up.

MOM : “Wake up, son. It’s time to go to school.”

SON : “But why, Mama? I don’t want to go to school.”

MOM : “Give me two reasons why you don’t want to go to school.”

SON : “One, all the children hate me. Two, all the teachers hate me.”

MOM : “Oh! that’s not a reason. Come...

Don't disturb someone who's sleeping

Josey wasn't the best pupil at Sunday school. She often fell asleep and one day while she was sleeping, the teacher asked her a question.

"Who is the creator of the universe?" Joe was sitting next to Josey and decided to poke her with a pin to wake her up. Josey jumped and yelled, "God almig...

My wife was surprised to hear that I actually enjoyed her punishment of making me sleeping on the sofa. I said that it made me feel manly, like I was camping.

…with a really angry bear somewhere close by.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm sleeping with the priest's wife

A guy walks up to his friend one Sunday, and says "I'm sleeping with the priest's wife. Can you hold him in church after mass for me?". The friend agrees, and after mass, he starts talking to the priest and asking him all kind of stupid questions, just to keep him occupied. After about an hour, the ...

The Indian chief goes to the Medicine Man because he hasn't been sleeping well...

The Medicine Man asks, "Anything in particular causing the problem?"

The chief replies, "Well, I'm just having strange dreams."

The Medicine Man asks, "What type of dreams are you having, Chief?"

And the chief tells him, "Some nights I dream I'm a wigwam, other nights I dream I'...

Indian food is good for sleeping.

You doze off as soon as you hit the pilau.

I recently started sleeping naked...

That way people stop sitting next to me on the train.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The teacher fell asleep in class and a little naughty boy walked up to him...

Little boy: "Teacher are you ... sleeping in class?"
Teacher : "No I am not sleeping in class."
Little boy : "What were you doing sir ?"
Teacher : " I was talking to God."
The next day the naughty boy fell asleep in class and the same teacher walks up to him...

Teache...

I was suspicious or my girlffriend cheating on me with this guy from her gym. So i pick up her phone at night when she's sleeping ..

...and drive to this dude's place on the other side of the town and go to stand on his porch to see if the wifi connects

Sleeping Man

Man: I cannot sleep at night, I keep seeing donkeys playing football.

Doctor: I am giving you some medicine, start using it tonight.

Man: Can I start tomorrow?

Doctor: Why tomorrow?

Man: Tonight is the finals.

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping

It was two o'clock in the morning and a husband and wife were sleeping when suddenly the phone rang. The husband(steve) picked up the phone and said, "Hello? (paused for a few seconds) How the heck do I know? What am I, the weather man?" and slams the phone down. His wife rolls over and asks, "Who w...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Last night I mixed up my sleeping tablets and viagra.

At least I got 40 wanks

I got a picture of my girlfriend sleeping with another man, followed an hour later by a message saying "April Fools!"

I should stop falling for that, it's the fourth time this month.

I took a picture of my girlfriend sleeping and she looked incredible

Apparently I still shouldn't show my wife

I asked my mom if I can have some of her sleeping pills?

She said

Sure, knock yourself out

I Love sleeping naked

They don't understand at work.

A woman came home to find her husband sleeping with another woman.

Distraught, the wife leave the house and decides to go and seek the advice of a wise monk who lives on a mountain.

The wife travels up the mountain to the monk and asks him for advice. The monk thinks for a minute and then offers the wife a cookie, she accepts and eats it, he then offers her ...

What do you call a sleeping snake?

A King Coma!

My wife told me to stop sleeping like a flamingo...

So I had to put my foot down.

A priest and a nun in a desert cabin

A priest and a nun are caught in a blizzard.

They find a deserted cabin and take shelter.

They find a sleeping bag, a bed, and a pile of blankets.

The priest, being a gentleman, offers the nun the bed and takes the sleeping bag for himself.

As they get tucked in for the...

Sleep

An exhausted blonde dragged herself to the doctor's office.

“Doctor, there are dogs all over my neighborhood," she said."They bark all day and all night, and I can't get a wink of sleep.""

“I'm going to prescribe some sleeping pills," said the doctor."A few of these and your troubles w...

A husband was sleeping next to his blind wife…

He woke up feeling his wife’s hands touching all over his face. Annoyed he asked, “What are you doing?”

In a sweet voice she said, “I just love watching you sleep.”

Why does Mrs. Dracula have a hard time sleeping with her husband?

Because he keeps coffin!

Sleeping Baby

A worried new mother went to the psychiatrist. "Doctor," she said, "Since I had the baby I can't sleep at night. When I'm in the next room, I have this dreadful fear that I won't hear the baby if he falls out of the crib at night. What should I do?"

"Easy," said the doctor. "Just take the car...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl is sleeping in her religious studies class...

The teacher asks the class, 'According to the Bible, who created man?'. The boy sitting next to the sleeping girl is bored and wet willies the girl. She wakes up and screams, 'OH GOD!'. The teacher replies, 'Correct!' The girl falls asleep again.

Next, the teacher asks the class, 'Who is th...

I heard patients were not sleeping well at the hospital

So I unplugged all the loud annoying beeping things in their rooms. They sleep much better now

A priest visits his cousin, who is also a priest.

The two priests, both in their forties, sit down to dinner.

The visiting priest says, "Cousin, I couldn't help noticing that your housekeeper is quite a young and attractive woman. I take it relations between the two of you are not always completely platonic?"

"How dare you! I am a man...

It’s really sad how my friend lost his medical license for sleeping with a patient.

He was a great vet

To the woman who yelled at me for sleeping on the bus: Screw You

Do you realise how exhausting it is driving a bus?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My buddy told me that he's been sleeping with twins and the sex is amazing..

I said that's awesome, but how do you tell them apart?

"Well Diane's got nice firm tits and a shaved pussy...and Peter's got a moustache"

A man walks into a bar...

The bartender asks "Why the long face?"

The man replies "I just found out my wife is sleeping with another man. I've decided I'm going to drink myself to death."

The bartender looks shocked and says "I'm sorry I can't help you kill yourself."

The man asks "Well what would you...

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Sleeping with Bob

The guys were all at a deer camp. No one wanted to room with Bob, because he snored so badly.. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.

The first guy slept with Bob and comes to breakfast the next morning...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why does the wife of a peanut butter executive hate sleeping with her husband

Because he cums in a jiffy

If you are sleeping on a bottom bunk, and someone else is sleeping on the top bunk

then you are under a rest

Three guys were sleeping on a single mattress

When they wake up the guy on the left whispers to the other two, "Dudes, I just had a dream I was getting a handjob...It was friggin awesome."

Then the guy on the right says, "Get outta here! I had a handjob dream too!"

While they high fived and discussed the odds, the guy in the cente...

Work has been tough just lately, but at least I'm sleeping like a baby

...waking up every couple of hours crying and needing a bottle.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man went into confession crying, and told the priest:

“Forgive me father for I have sinned”.

“What have you done?” asked the priest.

“A few weeks ago I went to the library. I remained there until closing time and when I was about to go home, rain started pouring down. It was so intense I had to wait in the library. I had waited for a wh...

The first night in prison and not sleeping next to my wife, I wrestled uncontrollably with a large and throbbing erection.

I just wish it had been mine.

When I was a young man, I dreamed of sleeping with a strange woman every night.....

What I didn't realize was that it would be the same one!

My 4 year old daughters joke: What do you call a sleeping dinosaur?

A Dinosnore.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A joke I heard as a kid: “Three ants are sleeping on a beautiful naked woman…

… and the morning after they are debating on who found the better place to sleep.

The first ant says: “My spot was the best! I rested on the soft hills”

The second ant replies: “No, no, mine was the best! I slept in the deep forest”

Then the third ant comes and says: “Well...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was having trouble sleeping at night....

....due to a persistent and irrational phobia of monsters being under his bed. Despite knowing that there were no such things as monsters, his brain refused to let go of the fear that had haunted him all his life. He was undergoing therapy with a psychologist, but had gotten nowhere in several years...

I lost my sleeping mask.

I won't rest until I find it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A husband and his pregnant wife were sleeping

Suddenly, a robber enters their room and shoots the wife in the stomach 3 times
The husband gets his gun under the bed and shots the robber right in the head
They rush to the hospital where they put his wife on the surgery table, after 30 minutes the doctor comes to the husband and says:
<...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.