My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

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A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

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A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

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A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

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An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

What's the difference between a house, a terrorist compound, and a hospital?

Don't ask me. I just fly the drone.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man who has just paid off his house loan?

Mortgage Freeman.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?” Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shou...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

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Life is difficult for a newly-wed couple as their house is frequently broken into by thieves.

They decide to get a guard dog to scare the thieves off, so her wife goes to the pet shop and buys the meanest looking dog. They sleep that night knowing that they're safe and are shocked by what they see in the morning. The thieves have done it again, and the dog has been sleeping like a baby ever ...

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

What is the difference between a White House and a White Castle?

The White Castle is actually open.

How does a penguin build its house?

Igloos it together!

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.

​

Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house

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Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

He surprised the lady of the house and tied her up. He then waited until the man of the house came upstairs and held him at gun point and demanded that the man have over all the jewelry and cash that the had in the house.

The man began sobbing and said:

"You can take anything you want...

What colour did Matthew McConaughey paint his house?

All white, all white, all white.

I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

A man was at the checkout to buy a broom for his house.

He goes up to the cashier and asks if the broom he has is the best one they have. The cashier responds "im not sure i mean a broom is a broom". The man replies "whoa lets not make any sweeping generalizations here"

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

It’s a snowy day and Trump steps out onto the White House grass

Right in front of him, on the White House grass, he sees “Donald Trump sucks!” written in urine across the snow.

​

Donald is pretty annoyed about this so he storms into his security staff’s headquarters, and shouts, “Somebody wrote an insult in the snow on the front damn law...

My girlfriend told me to stop singing Smash Mouth songs around the house or she's leaving me. I couldn't tell if she was serious or not.

And then I saw her face...

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As Santa was putting out the toys, the beautiful lady of the house appeared wearing a robe.

“Santa, stay with me” she said.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Have to deliver the toys to all the children you know!”

“Please Santa. Stay with me” she cooed, opening her robe to reveal the sheer nightie underneath.

“Ho, Ho, Ho! Gotta Go, Gotta go, Gotta go! Ha...

What’s on top of a dogs house?

A woof

After getting sick of my dad jokes, my wife locked me out of the house

I texted her, " oh pun the door! "

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

Peter wanted to renovate his house ...

He knocked everything old down and tore off the wallpapers. With the house being full of nooks and crannies, he was struggling to calculate what amount of new wallpapers to buy.

Luckily he heard his neighbour Jimmy coming home and asked him how many rolls he bought, when he was rapapering his...

Fox Mulder, Dana Scully, and her brother Bill are at Mulder's house party. They all gather around a pizza box with only 3 slices left.

SCULLY: Mulder, there isn't enough for each of us to have two. You'll have to share.

MULDER: I want two. Bill, leave.

A man walks into a talent agency with his dog claiming it can talk. The agent says, “ok, let’s see if this dog is gonna make us rich”. The guy says, “ Fido, what’s the top of a house called”? Roof! “What’s on a tree”? Bark! “How does sandpaper feel”? Ruff!

The talent agent tells the man off and kicks him out of his office. As the man and the dog are walking down the street the dog looks up at the man and says, “Gee Bob, maybe you should have asked some harder questions “.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

This one time I got my dick stuck in the hole of a DVD of a Pixar film about an old man who made his house fly with balloons

I guess it’s pretty apparent how badly I screwed Up

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

You know what hackers did when Police showed up at their house?

They ransomware safe

Why aren't there any zombies in the White House?

Because they feed on brains.

Yo mama so ugly...

she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!

A guy gets home late, his wife says where have you been it's 3.00am Guy says I had some games of Poker, Wife said get out of my house, Guy replies Oh forgot to say..

It's not your house anymore either.

A burglar breaks into a house.

He takes a few silent steps into the room when he hears "Jesus is watching you."

The burglar freezes and listens intently. Silence. He cautiously takes another step.

"Jesus is watching you."

Again the burglar freezes in panic. He nervously glances around the room. There is a tal...

Why does Demi Lovato's driveway have a light house beside it?

The end part of her drive home is usually pretty foggy

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I asked a pimp how to get started in the pimping business. He said I need to get me a bitch , a hoe and a thot. The bitch handles all the hookers. She’s like the mom of the house. The hoe handles day to day affairs . Who does accounting? I asked

He said, It’s the thot that counts

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“We just fell in love with the house we had to buy it”

“Oh so you’re homosexual?”

Arnold Shwartznager just left his Hollywood career to kill bugs that infiltrate people's houses.

He is now an Ex-Terminator.

Why wasn't Taco Bell featured at the White House's fast food feast?

Because Trump would have expected them to pay for the whole meal.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm gonna be turning my lights off this Halloween and pretending I'm not in.

Fuck the ships. My lighthouse, my rules

For my girlfriend's 25th birthday I got a bloke to come over to our house.

While we were sat on the sofa, the bloke said, "There's this pub nearby, it's good but the people there are kind of loud, obnoxious, 2/10. Then there's a club a few miles down the road. Huge venue with loud music and expensive drinks, 7/10. Then even further away, perhaps four or five miles out, the...

I just finished baby-proofing my house...

Let’s just see one of them try to get in now!

Wanna go to the White House?

But hold on, there's no one home!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A drunk man enters his house after a late night at the bar...

Not wanting to wake up his wife and receive a scolding from her, he decides to take off his shoes. While taking off his shoes, the Coo-coo Clocks goes off.

Coo-coo, Coo-coo, Coo-coo.

Thinking the noise will surely wake his wife, he thinks quickly and decides to extend the Coo-coo sound...

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What do you call a router in a Nazi's house?

An Axis point

My neighbor came to my house at 3 AM!

3 AM! Can you believe that? Lucky for him that I was up, playing drums.

ba dum tss

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Dave was bragging to his boss

One day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"

"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and his boss fly out to Hollyw...

Mr Green lives in The Green House. Mr Blue lives in The Blue House. Mrs Pink lives in The Pink House. Who lives in The White House?

Mr Orange.

How are Woman and Tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come and take the house when they leave

I heard Elon Musk was going to send his mini-sub to the White House

Because Trump caved and now he's stuck.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A relationship is kinda like a house, just because a light bulb goes out doesnt mean you buy a new house.

.... Unless that house is a dirty lying whore and if thats the case then burn that fucker down and find a new house with better light bulbs!

amid mounting investigations, the White House changed all printers to use 8.5x14 size paper...

...so they could right away answer "Yes", if investigators were to find hidden documents and ask "is this legal?"

Why did Trump invite George W Bush to the white house?

His accountant said he needed a W2 for taxes

What do you call a haunted house, whose ghost could not pay the rent?

Repossessed

What do you call a dog who builds houses?

A barkitect.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is driving through a small town and sees a sign in front of an old house...

"Talking Dog for Sale!"

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Darn right i do!" the Lab replies.

After the guy...

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

A burglar is breaking into a house at night.

He pries the window open, gets out his duffel bag to start looting, and he suddenly hears:

"Jesus is watching."

The burglar stops in his tracks and turns quickly thinking someone was home and he was found. But he saw nothing, and just...

I felt sorry for a very cold man and I invited him into my house to spend the night.

And what did he do? Peed all over my floor and left without saying a damn word!

If you see this guy, don't let him in. He's very pale, heavyset but his arms look like two sticks. Has two black eyes, smokes a corn cob pipe and wears a red scarf and a black top hat..

I went to Australia house today to apply for a visa...

The woman at the counter said “everything looks good but I have to check if you have a criminal record”

I replied “Oh I didn’t know you still needed one”

A traveling salesman was driving on a lonely country road on his way home one night when a huge storm came up. He saw farmhouse up the road and headed for it. He knocked on the door and the farmer answered. The salesman asked if he could take shelter from the storm at his house.

The farmer welcomed him in and put him up for the night. In the morning, the kind farmer served him bacon and eggs and the salesman was extremely thankful for his hospitality On his way out, the farmer walked him to his car and the salesman saw a pig with 3 legs go past. The salesman asked why does...

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It has been said that Abraham Lincoln wrote a journal on how to construct a sturdy house that would last 100 years...

...for many years engineers have been trying to replicate it, but sadly they haven't found any of Lincoln's Logs.

Al-Qaeda captured a new place to house their men...

It was a hostel takeover

What’s the difference between a ten year mortgage on your house and an anti-vaxxer’s kid?

The ten year part

My wife caught me cheating with her cousin. She totally overreacted and left the house

She caught me passing extra monopoly money to her.

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My neighbour just threw milk, eggs and butter at me as I left my house!

How dairy!

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A young family moves into a house next to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to build a new house on the empty lot. Soon the family’s five year old daughter took an interest in what the construction crew was doing and started hanging around them, well soon they adopted her as their mascot of sorts and let her sit with them during their c...

My house got repossessed

I feel like all the money I spent on the exorcism was wasted

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who had broken into his house the night before.

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant. “No, no no!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

Why did the farmer study Microsoft office outside his house?

So he could excel in his field.

Recently discovered I have an outdoors fetish when I accidentally locked myself out of the house.

Now I can’t come inside.

An aspiring actor turned thief has broken into Sydney Opera House.

Sources say he stole the spotlight.

My wife asked me why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said DECEPTICONS. She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster, it was a good time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

So I was at my girlfriend’s house

and I was sitting on her couch waiting for her to come home from work, when her incredibly hot sister walked into the room. She comes and sits down next to me and says, “We should have sex before my sister gets home.” I immediately get off the couch and walk out the front door. My girlfriend was wai...

A thief broke into my house last night and was searching for money when I woke up...

I decided to search with him

What did the male alpaca say when he was kicked out of the house for cheating on his wife?

Alpaca bag.

[OC] A Man's House is on Fire

A Man's house is on fire. He is standing on the front lawn when a firefighter arrives. The man tells the firefighter "My wife and baby are in there!"

The firefighter asks: "If I can't save both, which should I bring back?!"

Man quickly responds "My wife. We can always have more babies"...

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my Limbo stick..

How low can you get?

Did you hear about the blind fella going from house to house trying to sell his dog?

He was Labrador-to-door salesman

Was sleeping in my girlfriend's house last night and her dad wouldn't let us sleep in the same bed

I was really angry because he is actually really handsome

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

People in glass houses

Change in the basement

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in.

She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.
"What are you doing?!" she asked.


"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.


"But you're naked!"...

Going through a messy divorce I said to the wife, OK we will do this as adults, she says OK we split the stuff 50/50, half the house is yours the other half is mine.

I have the inside you have the outside..

When I moved into my new house, I don't think I appreciated how convincing my countertops were.

I took them for granite.

I like my women how I like my bouncy houses...

Inflatable

An ant knocked on the door of a house.

The house owner opened the door.

"I want a place to stay," said the ant.

"I have a vacant room which you can occupy for free" said the owner.

Thankful, the ant went inside and occupied the vacant room.

After some days, the ant brought in another ant and requested the
o...

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A robber breaks into a house where two people are just finishing having sex.

The robber ties the man and woman up. He starts looking around the room for valubles. When he doesn't find any, the robber asks the man

"Where's the good stuff!"

The man replies, "I'll tell you, just untie her and let her go."

Robber: "you love your wife that much huh?"

...

A little boy rides his red wagon down the hill in front of the preachers house.

There was a little boy around 8 or 9 that had a little red wagon. One day he mustered up the courage to ride it down the hill in front of his house past the preachers house. Well, he got in the wagon and started down the hill and halfway down a wheel falls off and he goes off the road in front of th...

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A son goes up to his father,

And just turning 16, asks him "Dad, can I take the car? I'd really like to take this girl on a date."
His father looks at him, and says "Son, if you want to take my car, there are three things I'm going to need from you.
First is that you need to start helping your mother around the house. N...

I was in my house last night, and at around midnight I heard a smash. I ran downstairs and someone had thrown a block of cheese through my window....

Looked at it and thought, that's mature

Someone broke into my house so I hid in the closet with my phone, but I forgot to set it to silent...

Luckily when I got a text I managed to fake cough over it so he wouldn't hear

I was talking to my neighbor's six year-old daughter and she said she wanted to be President some day.

Both of her parents, liberal Democrats, were standing there, so I asked her, "If you were to be the President, what's the first thing you would do?"

She replied, "I'd give food and houses to all the homeless people.'

"Wow - what a worthy goal," I told her, "You don't have to wait unti...

So I was showing my friends the first floor of my house

When one of them said "What's upstairs?".
I told him that the stairs don't talk.

A burglar stole all the light bulbs in my house

I know I should be more upset, but I’m absolutely delighted!

A crow invited all his friends to come round to his house, but no-one showed up....

It was an attempted murder.

In another news, a terrorist attack has blown away two houses, One made of straws and one made of wood.

Police believe that the suspect is a lone wolf.

Why are tornadoes always named after women?

Because when the tornadoes arrive they are warm and moist but when they leave, you only have half a house, no car, and your entire life lies in ruins.

Have you guys read the book 'Running to the out house'?

Written by: Willie makeit
Illustrated by : Betty wont

My wife told me I need to do more around the house...

Apparently, she wasn't talking about Mrs. Moore from across the street.

What does the White House use when their fax machine breaks?

Alternative fax

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is walking past a house...

That house has a sign on it saying: Free Talking Dog! He stops, wondering what this is all about and notices an old guy sitting on the porch in a rocking chair. The guy says, "Hey, What's up with the talking dog?" The old guys answers, "He's yours if you want him." The guy scratches his head, thinki...