Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

Saw an article about a zebra breaking into someone’s house today

This black on white crime really needs to be stopped

How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together.

Diet day #1: All the unhealthy food has been removed from the house.

It was delicious.

Someone important came to my house. I tried to make him a pizza with pineapples out of spite, but I burned it.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

I put up a load of pictures of my lord and saviour, Keanu Reeves, around the house but my wife and kids hated it so eventually I had to get rid of them.

They’re still banging on the window asking to come in.

My Grandma thought moving into house boat on an African river would solve all her money problems.

She's living in denial.

What's an ig?

An Eskimo house with no toilet.

What do you call a cat who rules the house?

A hoMEOWner.

When I'm fixing my house, I take out my step ladder...

...because I dont know my real ladder

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I walked into kindergarten on my first day of school...

I was worried, but nonetheless excited to learn. We began by learning about animals. My teacher asked students what their favorite animal was and when it was my turn I said “Pink Flamingo”

The teacher began screaming and sent me to the principals office. “Why are you here son”, he asked. I to...

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Bob the mailman

A couple of guys are at the bar. First guy says to his buddy, "My wife just admitted to me that she's having an affair with Bob the mailman."

"What?" says his buddy. "That fat ugly fucker I see every morning outside your house?"

"That's right," says the first guy.

"Jesus," says ...

My friend has no running water at his house, so I felt bad and decided to send him a card.

A “Get Well Soon” card.

My date took me to his house for the first time today, the most notable thing besides his wit and charm was his very expensive firearm and gunpowder collection.

I knew it as soon as I walked in, "This Guy Fawkes."

A Scotsman and Irishman walk into a bar...

As they walk in the Scotsman proclaims loudly for all to hear “Drinks for the house, on me!”

The next day in the newspaper the headlines reads ‘Irish ventriloquist found beaten to death”

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What did the Joker say after he paid depressed prostitutes to come over to his house?

"All I have is negative thots"

The guy from Up had to sell his house recently.

Inflation hit hard.

How about my golf clubs?

Husband: Honey! I've read somewhere that men die much younger and it made me think if God forbid I die before you would you marry again?

Wife: Yes. I think so!

Husband: That's great! I wouldn't want you to be lonely Sweetheart! Do you think you would live in our house?

Wife: I l...

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A couple was going out for the evening. They had gotten ready, all dolled-up, dog put out, etc.

The taxi arrives and as they start out, the dog jumps back into the house. They don't want the dog shut in, so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.

The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty explains to the taxi driver, "He's jus...

I bought a new thesaurus today.

It's nothing to write house about.

Family meetings

I took my girlfriend back to my parents house to meet my family last night

"This is my dad, and this is my twin brother"

"Oh how cute" she said "who's the oldest"

"My dad obviously you idiot" I replied

A tourist is in Russia and they see a frail little babushka sitting in front of her house, smoking a cigarette and drinking vodka.

So he stops and asks her: "Excuse me, but are you celebrating something?"


"No, I drink a few bottles of vodka every day. Always have."


"Amazing. And the cigarettes?"


"At least four packs a day, since I was a little girl."


"That's amazing! May I as...

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An 18 year-old Italian girl missed her period for two months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Fer...

When small talk with the neighbors gets awkward.

I live in the Bible Belt and took a stroll around the neighborhood earlier in the week. At the turnaround an old man with a walker was getting the mail. He asked me my name and we engaged in some small talk.

 

I was about to leave, but his wife came outside so I stayed and sai...

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Little Trevor's father works building houses.

He wants to spend a day on the job site, his mother is reluctant but eventually yields and says yes.

The next day they come home from his day with dad and she asks what he learned.

Little Trevor says "Well first you cut the fucking boards but the motherfuckers won't fit. So you have to...

Most modern clocks these days auto-update when daylight savings begins/ends. So this morning I'm walking around my house thinking wow...

...times have changed.

Why should you always be sure to pay an exorcist for their work?

Because if you don't, they'll repossess the house.

What did the cholo say when two House's fell on him?

Get off me homes!

I tied telling these youths to get of the street and go get a job. They insulted me by replying ok boomer.

Well I was so upset I had to run to my nearest house and spend the next half hour deciding which bathroom to cry in.

There was three guys and they decided to chuck something out of an aeroplane. The first guy dropped out a dagger. The second guy dropped out a boulder and the third guy dropped out a bomb. The first guy went home and he saw his dad crying in the yard and he asked his dad “what’s wrong?”

The dad says “a dagger fell out of the sky and hit my wife on the head and now she’s dead.

The second guy went home and it’s the same story, he asks his dad “what’s wrong?”

“A boulder fell out of the sky and hit my wife in the head and now she’s dead”

The third guy got home, a...

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A man escapes from prison

where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he's ...

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Everyone Knows Dave

Dave was bragging to his boss one day, "You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them."

Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Dave, how about Tom Cruise?"
"No dramas boss, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it." So Dave and ...

Just got a Jury Summons

That’s the last time I do a seance in a court house.

Red Car Day

Red car day - in Honor of my Dad

My dad died 7 years ago. He was a worker in a factory in NYC during the by-gone, post-war era when times were good and jobs were plenty. The guys he worked with were all good friends over the years and enjoyed harmless pranks against one another to pass the ti...

I was looking at homes with my wife just the other day

We had been looking at buying our first house for quite some time for the two years that we were married for. We had searched near, far and in between for a nice, yet affordable place, until we went looking just the other day, where we found exactly what we wanted.

It was a particularly stran...

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A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.

A pessimist and a nihilist walk into a bar.
The bartender asks them for their drink orders. The pessimist says “Even if you make me your best drink, I’m sure it’ll be disappointing. Go ahead, anything you make is going to be shit.”

The nihilist says, “I’ll have what he’s having but make m...

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike

He didn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a “for sale” sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute perfect condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condi...

As the man of the house, I always have the last word.

"yes, dear"

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on.

He saw a lady playing ahead of him. He walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing.

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole, and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing hap...

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There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

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Going to Mia Khalifa's house on Halloween be like

Trick or Tits

a grade A+ joke

My friend asked why I carry a gun around the house. I said "decepticons." he laughed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster. it was a good time.

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A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says “Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!”.

“Hey, mind your language!” says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, “Sorry father, but that’s what this fish is called, it’s a Fucker fish”.<...

A genie says: I’ll grant you three wishes but whatever you wish your ex gets double

The man answers: First I want a house, second I want a car, third I want you to beat me half to death.

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A Lame Date

A girl turned up on a blind date only to find that the guy had no arms or legs. Apparently he was a military vet who lost his limbs in action in some war.



Still not wanting to be policitally incorrect, she decided that its just dinner and it couldn't hurt.



Much to her s...

I tried brewing my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.

I drank it and left my house to go to work. After 15 minutes I realized I forgot my car.

My housemates think our house is haunted, but it's not

I should know, I've lived here for over three hundred years now

I hired an expert to exorcise my house, but I can’t afford to pay them.

Now I’m afraid they’ll come back to repossess my house.

What does a marriage and a hurricane have in common?

It begins with a lot of sucking and blowing and in the end you still loose your house

Someone broke into my house last night.

Yeah they broke in and stole my limbo stick

How low can you go?

A man stepped out of his house to go for his afternoon walk when he noticed his neighbor had two black eyes...

"Whatn' hell happened to you Frank?"

"Well, I was in church last Sunday and I noticed a lady in front of me had her dress stuck up in her buns so being the gentleman I am I reached down and pulled the dress free and she turned around and hit me between the eyes"he replied.

The neighbor...

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

Women...

If a man is trying to do something nice in the shower like wash your back, just let them do it instead of being rude and saying “who are you and how’d you get in my house”.
Thanks

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Three vampires were arguing who is the strongest among them.

So they decided to test their strength practically.

The first vampire, being the young blood got up and said "I'm the strongest and I'll prove it". He stood up and flew very fast out of the window. A while later he came back with his mouth covered in blood. He arrogantly said "You guys see th...

Why couldn’t the Italian man get into his house?

He had gnocchi.

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends on how hard you throw em

Teach me how to read minds!

Said an earnest man to a local psychic. "Okay then, follow me." They both go into a house and then into a dark room. "Quickly now, drop your pants, turn around and bend over." "Wait a minute! You want to take advantage of me!" "You are learning already!"

Why did the chicken cross the road?

To get to the idiot’s house.
.
.

Knock knock

Who’s there?

The chicken

a blind man walks into a bar

Bartender says
"What can i get ya"
The blind man, confused, responds "sorry but why are you in my house?"

This year, when the clocks went back an hour in Britain, not a single one of them in my house had to be manually corrected.

How times have changed.

My neighbor shingled my roof for free

He said it was on the house

Karen served wild mushrooms to the church group.

A group of country friends from the Wildwood Church wanted to get together on a regular basis, socialize, and play games. The lady of the house was to prepare the meal.

When it came time for Tom and Karen to be the hosts, Karen wanted to outdo all the others. Karen decided to have mushroom-sm...

Who's that band?

A little bar in a small town was having a concert night and most of the town showed up. They were curious to see who in this town of everyone-knows-everyone would go up and perform.

The barman introduced up on stage a couple of highschool kids, the Little Rascals, that were going through the...

What's a skeleton's least favourite room in a house?

The living room

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Two moths

Two moths were in a house,

And they wished to have sex.

So they searched for a quiet place down the halls.

And when they found a cozy closet

Mrs.Moth started choking

On mothballs.

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