If there is a Serial killer inside your house, What is the safest place to hide?

In the living room.

It's a 5 minute walk from my house to the pub. It's a 30 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

A maid decided it was time to demand a raise, so she went directly to the Lady of the house's private study

Maid: "I'd like a raise."

Mrs. Smith:"Why do you think you deserve a raise?

Maid:"Three reasons. First, I can cook better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Your husband. Second, I clean better than you."

Mrs. Smith:"Who told you that?"

Maid:"Y...

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A wife is tired of all the problems that need fixing in her house

She asks her husband, "Can you please fix the leak in the bathroom? ", the husband says "Do i look like a plumber?"

She asks him "Well can you please fix the light in the living room, its been flickering for ages?", he replies "Do i look like and electrician?"

Growing tired she asks hi...

What did Trump say to Biden in the hallway of the white house?

Pardon me, please.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.

At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led h...

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Trump looks out on the snow covered White House Lawn, and notices that someone has pissed “Trump Sucks” in the fresh snow.

Furious, he demands the Secret Service investigate. A few days later, the head of the SS says “Mr President, I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is we’ve done a dna test on the urine, and found the culprit. It turns out it’s Mike Pence’s.” “That traitor”, shouts Trump. “I’ll have him hang...

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My girlfriend asked why I carry a gun around the house?

I looked her dead in the eye and said, ‟the motherfucking decepticons”.She laguhed, I laughed, the toaster laughed, I shot the toaster, it was a good time.

A man is driving around the backwoods and he sees a sign in front of an old, shanty style house that says - “Talking dog for sale.”

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

A robber breaks into a house while the residents are away one dark night. Eager to see what he can loot, he quickly starts searching through cupboards and dressers, grabbing valuables with a trained eye. Suddenly, he hears a voice come out of nowhere. “Jesus is watching you.”

The criminal jumps, scared the residents are back, and freezes. After a few minutes of silence however, he assumes it was his imagination, and goes back to robbing. A couple minutes pass, before once again, the voice returns. “Jesus is watching you.” Quite confused, the thief searches the house and ...

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A teenage girl was being intimate with her boyfriend at her parents house.

Her father after being woken by the noises goes upstairs to check it out, and walks in on them.

"Dad!" she exclaimed in a panic "...I'm sorry"

The dad being a dad replies "hi sorry, I'm Dad!"

He then turns to the boyfriend and asks "Are you fucking sorry?"

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said “I...

A mathematician, a physicist and a biologist all stand in front of an empty house.

Suddenly, two people enter the house and after a couple of minutes, three people leave through the front door.

The biologist says - “They must’ve reproduced!”

The physicist says - “This must be a measurement error!”

The mathematician says - “If one more person enters, the house...

What's the difference between a a Shakespeare play and a Trump-era White House press conference?

One is The Taming of the Shrew.

The other is the shaming of the true.

Last week someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

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A young family moved into a house...

next to a vacant lot. One day, a Construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers.

Eventually the constructio...

I went to my depressed friend's house to hangout.....

....but he already started without me.

A mother asks her two sons who broke her favorite vase. She told them she won’t get angry if they told the truth, yet one of them lied. The first son said he played soccer in the house but broke nothing. The second son said he only broke his own doll house. Who’s lying?

The mother is, we all know she will stil get angry no matter what.

Me: "Hello? 911? Emergency! The neighbors house is on fire!"

Dispatcher: "Did you discover the fire?"

Me: "No! Prometheus! but what does he have to do with this?"

Translated - hope it makes sense to you guys :)

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House. One is from Chicago , another is from Tennessee , and the third is from Minnesota .

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Minnesota contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job will run about $900: $400 for materials, $400 for my crew and $100 profit for me."
...

Jan 22. 2021, Washington DC A guy goes up to a guard at the White House and says "How do I get in to see President Trump?"

The guard says "Didn't you hear? Trump isn't president any more. Biden is president." The guy walks away.

Next day, same guy goes up to the same guard and asks again:

"How do I get in to see President Trump?" And the guard says "Sir, I told you yesterday, Trump isn't president any ...

The White House has suddenly turned into such a polite place.

Everyone is going around saying, "Pardon me."

I fainted in the curry house when I heard R.E.M had split up

That's me in the Korma

Jack, a renown atheist, dies and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself. Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith". Satan laughs and replies: Awh it's not so bad.

He then proceeds to escort Jack through a beautiful lush green plain with flowers, scattered here and there there's a bunch of houses where other "damned" live. As they pass through each house the inhabitants recognize Satan and invite them inside for a drink and a chat, a request that's always gran...

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How bout a blowjob?

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says,‟You know,I don't know what else to do.Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking,I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway.I shut off the engine and coast into the garage.I take my shoes off befo...

Voting results have just been certified at my house

My wife will remain in charge for another four years

What’s the worst band to play at a house fire?

The Talking Heads

Ivanka Trump is walking a dog outside the White House...

A Secret Service agent sees her and says "Good Morning, Ma'am."

"Good morning." She replies.

"That's a very cute dog, ma'am." the agent says trying to make polite small talk.

"Oh, thank you. I got it for the President." She replies with a smile.

"Excellent trade, Ma'am."<...

Haunted House Idea:

A room full of women saying "I'm fine."

The president is walking out of the White House towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims his gun.

A Secret Service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!” This startles the would be assassin and he is captured. Later, the Secret Service agent’s supervisor asks him, “Why the hell did you shout Mickey Mouse?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout...... Donald, ...

A man walks past a house that has a sign posted up saying "Boat for sale" and decides to check it out

As he's walking up the driveway, all he sees is an old car and a grill.

Confused, he knocks on the door and asks the Jamaican home owner, "hey, I can see that you have a sign out front saying you've got a boat, but all I can see is an old car and a grill.."

"Ya mon!" the Jamaican home...

Three thieves are in a house...

Three thieves are in a house when suddenly they hear someone come through the door. In a hurry to hide as soon as possible, each finds a gunny sack to hide inside. When the owner comes in and finds three unfamiliar sacks, he kicks the first one, the thief inside thinks quick and makes a sound simila...

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

A man awakens in the middle of the night to find that his house was being robbed.

He calls up the local police to ask for someone to help stop them.

"Help, my house is being robbed!" He says to the dispatcher.

"We're sorry, but there are no cars available to help you right now. Please lock yourself in your room and we will send an officer by in the morning to take a...

My ex wife called me to tell me my son was arrested for setting a house on fire. I corrected her saying...

Arson

Today I gave a homeless man everything I had, my identity, wallet, car, house, even my wedding ring. We basically switched places.

You can't imagine how good it felt to be free of debt for the first time.

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Arnold Schwarzeneggar never has mice, rats or cockroaches in his house

He is an ex Terminator

How did the robot vacuum the house?

Roomba room.

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized. She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call and a K-9 unit patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned "I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what ...

It’s a 1 mile walk from my house to the store

So If the average human can walk up to five miles an hour, why has it taken my dad 18 years to come back with the milk.

Once there was an inflatable boy who lived in an inflatable house with his inflatable parents.

Every morning when the inflatable alarm rang, he would leap out of his inflatable bed and into the inflatable shower, then when he was dressed he would go and sit at the inflatable table in the kitchen to eat his inflatable breakfast, and then run off and catch the inflatable bus to his inflatable s...

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John's neighbour asked him why there were lot of screams coming from there house last night.

John said that his wife told him that she wanted to him to make her scream like never before while having sex.

So his neighbour now curious asked back how he got her to scream so much.

John shrugs and say It is quite simple I just applied some chilli pepper on the condom before the sex...

Trump is the first person in American history who is refusing to concede and leave the White House despite losing the election.

I think he really wants to be the precedent.

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My house was robbed last night. The burglars took everything except my soap, shower gel, towels, toothpaste, and mouthwash.

Dirty bastards.

A Veterans Day Joke: If Donald Trump refuses to leave the White House...

They should just rename it Viet Nam and see how fast he leaves.

If this year has taught us anything, it’s that Donald Trump is a regular American citizen

He caught COVID-19, has massive debt, is about to be evicted from his house and is going to lose his job

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A young Italian man rings the door bell at his girlfriend's house. She is living with her parents, and her father opens the door. "Ciao, my name is Tullio," the young man says, "and I am here to fuck your daughter!"

The father is shocked and lost for words. "To.... to... what?" he says.

"Tullio!"

My wife locked me outside the house coz she got tired of my wordplay jokes

I texted her "Oh Pun the door"

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in an attempt to help me cut down on masturbation, my wife told me I have to do a chore around the house everytime I masturbate.

Let's just say the neighbors were not amused at me trying to mow the lawn with one hand.

Linda goes to her parents' house with her husband, Brian, for Thanksgiving.

As they walk in, Brian says, "Lemme go to the bathroom real quick."

And so Linda sits down in the living room with her dad and asks, "Where's mom?"

Her dad replies, "She's not feeling too well. She's in bed right now."

And then Linda goes to her mom's room and says, "Brian, what...

A joke my 9 yr old told at a BBQ we had over the weekend. He brought down the house.

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?

To keep their nuts dry!

My mom has a rule that no friends are allowed at our house in November because of holidays. (It makes no sense.)

But she has a friend that she decided that she'll let over in November. My mom told her "You're an exception. You can come any time in November." So I said "Very poor choice of words." and her friend started dying of laughter, but I got grounded.

Bath night

A couple take in a beautiful young lady as a lodger. She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bath but if she wanted to she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.......

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to darts," she said...

The Chicken House Joke

A little boy and girl were playing outside on the farm when it started raining so they ran into the chicken house. They had a lot of fun in there so it became their favorite place to play.
Several years later, the girl said “I think we should stop playing in the chicken house.”
The boy aske...

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A woman packed her husband bags and kicked him out of the house...

As he walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," her husband replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Two adult trees fell on top of my house and made a big mess

It's the first time my house ever got a treesome

My teacher said when covid is over she is burning all her masks in her house I told her

Mask genocide is illegal

The other day at school we had to write down our hero and what we would do if they walked into our house.

I got off easy because my hero is Stephen Hawking.

If you ever get locked out of your house, talk to your lock calmly.

Because communication is key.

What’s the cheapest part of a house?

The roof tiles, because they’re on the house.

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I was watching porn with the missus and she complained, "This is so unrealistic."

I said, ‟Just because you are unwilling to try new things, does not mean everyone's that frigid.”

‟Not that,” she explained, ‟It's just the plumbers that come to our house have tiny dicks.”

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Paddy staggered into his house after a night of drinking. He tip-toed up the stairs to avoid waking his wife Kathleen, but tripped & fell on his rump.

A whiskey bottle in each back pocket made the landing especially painful. He stifled a yell, pulled down his pants & looked into the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut & bleeding. Quietly he managed to find a box of Band-Aids and put one on each place he saw blood. The next mo...

After release from prison, a group of house burglars were hired by the national marijuana museum. Unfortunately they were fired, as after 3 days, they had only managed to set up a single item for display.

Guess they spent too long casing the joint.

An elderly gentleman was on his deathbed as his wife and three children and nurse stood close by

Then he spoke:“Bill, you take the Beverly Hills houses.“Mary, you take the offices in the Center Center.“Debra, the apartments over the L.A. Plaza are yours.“To my dear wife, take all the residential buildings near downtown.”
The nurse was really impressed. She said, “Your husband must have been ...

A story about a small event at a mates house

So basically, we were at my mates house. Now, we were about to leave, and he started banging on about this fiver he lost. Now, I wanted to try and use my phone and I thought about getting it from my pockets, but I couldn't check my pockets because then he'd think I nicked his fiver.

So I go i...

Why did four avoid the haunted house?

Because it was two squared...

If the green man lives in the green house, the yellow man lives in the Yellow house and the blue man lives in the blue house, who lives in the white house?

An orange man who doesn't want to leave

A mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl as a roommate.

During his meal, his mother couldn't help but notice
how pretty his roommate was. She had long been
suspicious of a relationship between the two and this
had only made her more curious.
Over the course of the evening while watching the
two interact, she started to wonder if there's mo...

Trump doesn’t want to leave the White House.

Unfortunately for him, once a baby comes to full-term it has to come out.

What happens when the new President moves into the White House, but the old President refuses to leave?

####'My Two Presidents'

New CBS Tuesdays after NCIS: The Really Odd Couple 10/9c

What did the cholo say when several houses fell on top of him?

"Get off me, homes!"

The circus near my house started a competition to find the best contortionist

So I entered myself, and won.

What does a house wear to a party ?

Address.

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Two neighbors, Sam and Rick, are having a smoke outside their houses.

Sam asks Rick, "Do you like dumb women?"

Rick: Of course not.

Sam: What about women who drink like a fish and smoke like a chimney?

Rick: Why would I love someone like that?

Sam: What about women who can't cook?

Rick: Hell no. Why are you asking me all this?
...

A guy spots a sign outside a house that reads “Talking Dog for Sale.” Intrigued, he walks in.

“So what have you done with your life?” he asks the dog.

“I’ve led a very full life,” says the dog. “I lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims. Then I served my country in Iraq. And now I spend my days reading to the residents of a retirement home.”

The guy is flabbergasted. He as...

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me: [flashlight under chin] they say a witch cursed this house 100 years ago today!

######[100 years ago...]
**witch:** fuck this house

I visited a haunted house today, and my friends fled in terror.

I've been to this place for the last 271 years and haven't seen a single ghost.

Absolute cowards.

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We have ghosts in house

\- "I went last night to the bathroom and light turns on by itself. I finish peeing and go out only for the light to turn off by itself too."

\- "Idiot! You pissed in the fridge again."

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Police respond to a disturbance call at a house...

The cop hears loud music blaring inside and pounds on the door. A ten year old boy answers the door wearing flip flops, boxer shorts, and a sport coat There's chocolate smeared all over his face, and he's holding a beer in one hand and a cigar in the other.
Cop asks, "Are your parents home, youn...

Someone stole all the grass from the front of my house!

I guess it's time to call the lawn enforcement.

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 18 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant, but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries a...

A Catholic, a woman of color, a doctor, a Jew, and a rescue dog walk into the White House...

This is where the joke already left.

The bartender hands him a drink on the house

Quentin Tarantino walks into a bar

I hate IKEA but whenever I go, I can’t leave without buying ridiculous amounts of things for my house.

I’m suffering from Stock Home Syndrome.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house

He refused

How do birds dust their houses?

With feather dusters!

My friend bought a new house

So I bought him an elephant for his room.

He said “Thanks”

I said “Don’t mention it”

joe biden moving into the white house

and looking for the half a sandwich he left in the break room four years ago

‌‌A woma‌‌n stoppe‌‌d by‌‌, unannounced‌‌, a‌‌t he‌‌r son'‌‌s house‌‌. Sh‌‌e knocke‌‌d o‌‌n th‌‌e doo‌‌r the‌‌n immediatel‌‌y walke‌‌d in.

Sh‌‌e wa‌‌s shocke‌‌d t‌‌o se‌‌e he‌‌r daughter-in-la‌‌w lyin‌‌g o‌‌n th‌‌e couch‌‌, totall‌‌y naked‌‌. Sof‌‌t musi‌‌c wa‌‌s playing‌‌, an‌‌d th‌‌e arom‌‌a o‌‌f perfum‌‌e fille‌‌d th‌‌e room‌‌. "Wha‌‌t ar‌‌e yo‌‌u doing?!‌‌", sh‌‌e asked.

"I'‌‌m waitin‌‌g fo‌‌r Mik‌‌e t‌‌o com‌‌e hom‌‌e fro‌‌...

I want to speak to President Trump

One sunny day in late January 2021 an old man approached the White House from across Pennsylvania Avenue, where he'd been sitting on a park bench.  He spoke to the U.S. Marine standing guard and said, "I would like to go in and meet with President Trump." The Marine looked at the man and said, "Sir,...

Who do dogs call to fix the shingles on their dog house?

Woofers

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Two guys are having sex and the house catches on fire. so who gets out first?

The guy on the bottom because he already has his shit packed.

I can’t believe it, someone stole all the light bulbs in my house?

I was de-lighted!

What kind of dog can jump higher than a house?

Any dog. Houses can't jump.

I tried to climb up some house plans. My dad yelled, “get down from there”

“Those plans are not to scale!”

When I was younger I couldn’t afford a house.

But after years of hard labour and pain, I still can’t. But my boss has five.

Little Johnny runs into his house and asks, "Mommy, can little girls have babies?"

"No," says his mom, "Of course not."

After Little Johnny runs back outside, his mom hears him yell to his friend, "It's OK, we can keep playing!"

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An 18 year old girl tells her mom that she has missed her last 2 periods

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy test. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Crying, cursing and Shouting the mother says, "Who was the bastard that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman walked into a man’s house with a gun...

She pointed the gun at the man and said “let me suck your dick or I’ll blow your head off.”

The man complied, and she proceeded to forcibly suck his dick for 4 hours, until he was raw, sore, and whimpering.

She then got up and stormed out.

The man waited a few minutes, curled o...

Somebody stole all the books in the White House

Donald was fuming he hadn't finished colouring them in

The White House has become low income housing and it’s main tenant is a broke, deadbeat

There goes the neighborhood!

Somebody keeps leaving pictures of Kylie Minogue in the bushes in front of my house.

I just can’t get her out of my hedge.

Why does the man decorate his house Christmas themed for Halloween?

To scare people who are claustrophobic

What do you call someone from Slytherin House who is really into French pastry?

Draco Mille-feuille.

What did the redneck say about the Chinese dumpling house?

Dim Sum good dumplings!

Three brothers aged 92, 94, and 96, live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

A burglar had broken into a house...

... and as he was feeling his way through a darkened room, he heard a voice. "Jesus is watching you!"

The burglar was startled and stood still for a few moments. Then he decided to continue his search for valuables. Once again, he heard the voice, a little louder, "Jesus is still watching yo...

What do skeletons use for the roofs of their houses?

Shin-gles.

In nearly 4 years, finally something positive has finally come out of the White House

Covid-19 tests

What happened to Johnny Cash when he purchased a house?

Johnny Debt

Vomiting in someone else’s house is pretty impolite, but projectile-vomiting in their house...

...is really beyond the pail.

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife

A man at work calls his house to check on his wife.

A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Steve."

"But you don't have an Uncle Steve."

"Yes, I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom...

See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

Was watching Netflix with my friend when the new sink I ordered finally reached my house.

So I said to him, "I'm going to pause to let that sink in".

While walking down "K" St, I noticed the houses were numbered 32, 64, 128, 256, and 512.

It was a stroll down Memory Lane.

I love throwing house warming parties

**But for some reason the police keep calling it 'Arson'.**

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple goes to a sex therapist..

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.

When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.

This happened several weeks i...

A drunk guy was introducing his house to his friend.

"This is the dining room, and this is our bedroom, on the bed is me sleeping with my wife".

Why did the pirate have a map to his ex wife's house

For booty calls

I miss the days when 2 Nintendo employees would show up at your house to play Wii

Now they just show up with a lawsuit and a court order.

A girl wants to do a sleepover at her friend's house.

Her mom: you'll be sleeping in different rooms right?
Daughter: Mom! I'm 12.
Mother: and I'm 24

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns. Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his wife: "Listen, this guy is an escaped convict. Look at his clothes! He's probably spent a lot of time in...

A little old man goes to the bank to take a house loan

The person behind the desk begins to shuffle around the papers and looks the old man in the eye and asks:

Banker: Aren't you a little bit too old to get a house loan?

Man: I know I'm 65 but I do have some funds saved as well. It's mostly my father who suggested I get a place of my own...

What do you give a house that smells bad?

A basemint

What happens if you don't pay the priest, who comes to exorcise your haunted house?

Your house gets repossessed.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pot head gets really high on some good shit and goes home

Gets inside the house and sees his fathers shoes

Oh shit, I better hide somewhere before my pops finds out that I got high again!!

Ok, Ok, I am gonna hide in the living room...

Opens the living room door and sees his dad sitting there and reading a newspaper.

my bad p...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The White House has announced that they are recruiting volunteers for phase three clinical trials of Clorox as a treatment for COVID-19. There are only two prerequisites for participants...

The participants must be at least 18 years old, and must be registered Democrats.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house.

A Nigerian Governor wants to paint the Government house. He calls for quotation....
Chinese guy quoted 3 million.
European guy quoted 7 million.
Nigerian guy quoted 10 million.
The Governor asked the chinese guy.."..
how did u quote 3 million..?"
Chinese guy replied .."1 million ...

My ex just called and asked if she can sleep at my place because a stalker has been coming to her house at night.

So nice of her to save me the gas money.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An alien couple land their saucer in a farmer's field

They approach the house and explain to the farmer and his wife that they are intergalactic swingers. He asks them is they are ok to spend the night and then go back to their planet in the morning. The farmer and his wife talk it over and agree.

The male alien takes the farmer's wife into th...

If I had a dollar for every time someone over 50 told me my generation sucks...

I could afford a house in the economy they've ruined!

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