See? To prove I'm not some boring house dad I went and got a tattoo!

Her: Oh, cool! It's.. uh?

Me: (proudly) It's my thermos! From work!

Her: (reaching towards me) Well, uh, the line work is certainly..

Me: (slaps hand away) Don't touch the thermos tat.

Someone broke into my house and stole 20% of my couch

Ouch

a Country Boy visited the City and met a girl in a Bar who invited him back to her house,

When they got there, she undressed and told him to get naked too.

She said: "Let's start with a 69"

The Country Boy replied: "What's that?"

With that she got him into position, and they went at it

Within a minute of starting, the City Girl felt a fart coming on

S...

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My roommate says our house is haunted

I've been living here for 300 years and i havnt noticed shit.

My neighbor is a 90 year old with alzheimer's, I see him every morning and he asks me If I've seen his wife. Everyday I have to tell this poor man that his wife died 20 years ago. I could have moved to another house or even ignore his question

But the look of joy in his eyes whenever I answer him is worth the world.



My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

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I wasn't the only one in my house who was offended by the overly sexual nature of this year's Super Bowl Halftime Show.

Even my teenage son ran to his room so he wouldn't have to watch it.

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A young family moved into a house next door to a vacant lot

One day a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot. The young family's 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest
in all the activity going on next door and spend much of each day
observing the workers.

Eventually the construction crew, all of them gems...

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My wife packed my bags and kicked me out of the house.

As I walked out the front door, she screamed,
"I wish you a slow and painful death, you bastard!"
"Oh," I replied, "so now you want me to stay!"

Bernie said he's going to legalize marijuana on his first day in the Whitehouse

On his second day he'll legalize it everywhere else.

The lights in my house just went out, so I have to call an electrician....

I am unable to deal with the current situation..

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub. It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

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A lady who is cheating on her husband

There's a lady who is cheating on her husband. One day while they are having sex she hears her husband pull into the driveway. Her boyfriend says "oh no! What should we do?!" She says "hurry! Get dressed and go to the living room!" Once they're in the living room she starts sprinkling baby powder al...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door



A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for ...

Just walked down a street where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

Well, that was a trip down memory lane.

A guy sees a sign in front of a house that says: “Talking Dog for Sale.” He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a black mutt just sitting there.

“You talk?” he asks.

“Yep,” the mutt replies.

“So, what’s your story?”

The mutt looks up and says: “Well, I discovered my gift of talking pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country...

Did you know Helen Keller had a tree house?

Neither did she.

It was George the Mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope.

At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.



At the fourth house, he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gent...

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A couple, both age 78, went to a sex therapist's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"



The man said, "Will you watch us have sex?"



The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed.



When the couple finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way you have sex," and charged them $50.


...

What’s the similarity between a grenade and a wife?

You pull off the ring and then your house is gone

A man is sitting on top of his house during a flood while the water is slowly rising.

He waits and waits until a man in a canoe approaches him.

“Would you like me to bring you to safety sir?”

“No, god will save me.”

The man in the canoe leaves. 3 hours later, a rescue team approaches him.

“Would you like me to escort you to a safer area sir?”

“No, g...

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The Logical Redneck

Two rednecks decided that they weren't going anywhere in life and thought they should go to college to get ahead. The first goes in to see the counselor, who tells him to take Math, History, and Logic.

"What's Logic?" the first redneck asks.

The professor answers by saying, "Let me giv...

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Just arrived home early from work and saw some thieving bastard that had been trying to break in to my house

....he managed to escape by hopping over the neighbour's gardens...

I'm proud of my wife though, she must have put up some fight because she's half naked, covered in sweat and can hardly walk.

I was in my room and saw 10 ants running frantically. I felt bad for them, so I built a house for them. This kinda makes me there landlord and that kinda makes them my

Tenants

A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said: “Jesus knows you’re here.”

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, after a bit, he shook his head and continued. Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard: “Jesus is watching you.” Freaked out, he shined his light ar...

I phoned 999 and told the guy that two men had just broken into my house and stolen my CDs.

"Could you please give me a description of them?" the man asked.



"Certainly," I replied. "They're round plastic discs on which music or other digital information is stored."

A theif broke into my house last night...

He started searching for money, so I woke up and searched with him.

I can't believe somebody had the nerve to break into my house and steal my limbo stick.

I mean seriously, how low can you go?

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I invited a hoarder to my house party, but I think he's too busy to attend.

He's got a lot of stuff to get through.

A baby deer has been hanging around my house lately

I'm quite fawned of it

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A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

A man is driving along a dusty old back road when he sees a sign that says, "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

Barely believing his eyes, he turns into an old truck stop - and sure enough - there's a big neon sign that says "Sisters of Mercy House of Prostitution."

He knocks and...

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[NSFW] Last night i took girl to my house..

..as I was fucking her on my bed, I pulled out a bottle of lube and said, "Do you mind if I put it up your ass?" She looked at me and said. "Is it going to hurt?" I said, "Probably, it's a big bottle."

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Tarzan swang back into the tree house after a day in the jungle

He sees Jane in the kitchen with a couple of pot in the stove.
Tarzan: what's for dinner
Jane : Look in the pots
Tarzan opens the first and it's a pot full of monkey pieces. He open the second and it's full of little birds cooking.
Tarzan: oh no not finch and chimps again.

Dr. Strange goes to Dormamu's house

Dr. Strange : Knock, knock

Dormamu : Who's there?

Dr. Strange : door mom

Dormamu : door mom who?

Dr. Strange : DoorMomWho, I've come to bargain

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

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A nine-year-old boy was in his mother’s bedroom while his father was away at work.

Suddenly, he heard his mother coming in with a man and hid in the closet. The two kissed, then began to make out, before suddenly the front door opened and the boy could hear his father calling from downstairs. His mother quickly took her lover and shoved him into the closet, unaware that her son wa...

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If you're ever locked out of the house, try talking to the doorknob...

... because communication is key.

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house

A biologist, statistician and a mathematician are watching a house. They see two people enter and three people leave.
Biologist: “We have just witnessed an example of reproduction.”
Statistician: “This falls within the statistical error.”
Mathematician: “If one more person enters the house...

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A Jew and a Muslim walk into the White House...

hopefully on January 20, 2021.

Have you guys heard of the Tempura House?

It’s a shelter for lightly battered women.

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People are coming to a families house to interview the father for a job

The kid comes home from school. He goes into the kitchen to see the Dad putting the chicken in the oven, the dad burns himself with the oven and goes "fuck". The kid asks the dad what fuck means and the dad goes "prepare".
The kid leaves and goes into the moms room where she is putting on makeup....

A man is watching his neighbor as he is dragging a Christmas tree across his driveway into his house.

He tells his neighbor, "Wow, that's such a big tree! Are you going to put it up yourself?"

The neighbor replies, "No, I'm going to put it up in my living room."

I was watching the Super Bowl at my friends house when my real estate agent called me...

Told me some of my property had burned down.

In both cases, Mahomes' on fire.

A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream

"Where did you get that car?"He calmly told them, "I bought it today."


"With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."


"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."


The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a ...

The President asks 3 people if they can paint the White House

He asks a Chinese person how much money will he need and he says “3 million dollars. 1 million for the paint, 1 million for the workers and 1 million for me”

He asks an American person how much money will he need and he says “7 million. 2 million for the paint 3 million for the workers and 2 ...

A man walking down the street noticed a small boy trying to reach the doorbell of a house. Even when he jumped up, he couldn’t quite reach it.

The man decided to help the boy, walked up on to the porch and pushed the doorbell. He looked down at the boy, smiled and asked: “What now?”

The boy answered: “Now we run like crazy!”

Our maid accidentally killed my goldenfish, so I decided to wreck her house as revenge

My mom got so mad when she saw what I did to the kitchen.

How do you know it’s bedtime at Michael Jackson’s house?

Because the big hand is touching the little hand.

I put up a hammock between two walls in my house

It really ties the room together

What do you call a store for bird houses and accessories?

Birdbath and Beyond

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Some bastard broke into my house and stole all of my lamps

I am not angry, I am delighted.

Did you know the white-tail deer can jump higher than the average house?

This is due to its powerful hind legs and the fact the average house can't jump.

My girlfriend's sister invited me over to her house to watch The Matrix.

I think I dodged a bullet.

Mike Tyson walks into the local crack house and says....

"Wow, what a methy place."

Sherlock Holmes walks into his house with a basket full of lemons.

Watson asks, "Where did you get so many lemons?" Holmes replies, "A lemon tree, Watson.."

They did move their houses,but..........

On the right side of the house of a minister there lived a blacksmith,and on the left side,a carpenter.The blacksmith and the carpenter made noise day and night and disturbed the minister. When he could not take it anymore, the minister called the two and demanded that they move their houses.
One...

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You know those sex houses?

The little wooden houses with the hole for your dick that people hang from trees?


Apparently those are for birds.

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I've built a beautiful house and get complimented on it

But people are always shocked when they find out how crap an electrician I am.

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Why did the exterminator go to the Pothead's house?

Because there were roaches everywhere.

The police get a call about a house two blocks away when on the night shift...

The caller doesn't say much but she says she often sees lots of money coming and going from the house and hears machines running all night and day.

The police put together a swat team just in case things go sideways.

They bust down the door to the house and find row upon row of washin...

My husband asked me why I speak so softly in the house; I said I was afraid Mark Zuckerberg was listening.

He laughed.

I laughed.

Alexa laughed.

Siri laughed.

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Grandma and Grandpa were staying over at their kids house.

When Grandpa found a bottle of Viagra in his son's medicine cabinet, he asked about using one of the pills.

The son said, "I don't think you should take one Dad, they're very strong and very expensive."

"How much?" asked Grandpa.

"$10.00 a pill," answered the son.

"I ...

Donald Trump is exiting the White House and heading into his limo...

...when someone pulls out a gun and aims it at him.

A newbie secret service agent, spotting it first yells:"MICKEY MOUSE!".

The would be assassin stops in confusion, giving the other agents time to pin down and arrest him.

When the press reports were over, the newbies supervisor...

My buddy just got kicked out of his house. His wife was hinting at Valentine's day plans and asked him if he knew her favorite flower.

"Gold Medal All Purpose" apparently wasn't the answer.

Two teenagers, Fred and Joe, meet after school and Fred is all excited: “Man I was at the most awesome party this weekend! We went to this dude’s house and guy had toilets made of pure gold!”

“No way!”
“Yes way,” insists Fred, “come with me and check it out for yourself if you don’t believe me.”

Twenty minutes later they’re ringing the doorbell at the place. A middle-aged lady opens and Fred eagerly asks her, “Hi! I’m sorry to bother you but there was a party at your house...

My neighbour is a clown for childrens parties. Evertime I turn my back to get ready for bed, he sneaks into my house in full costume and starts banging my wife. I can see them, in the mirror, going at it while I'm brushing my teeth.

They keep on telling me that I'll look back and laugh at it one day.

I had to sack my east European house cleaner today. It took her four hours just to vacuum the lounge.

Turns out she's a Slovak

I got myself a new house today

But then a burglar came in and asked: What are you doing in my house?

A young boy runs into the house and excitedly shows his mother a fifty-dollar bill he found in the park.

“Are you sure it was lost?” the mother asks.

“I’m positive,” the boy replies. “I even saw the guy looking for it.”

A programmer's wife tells him as he leaves the house: "While you're out, buy some milk."

He never returns home and the universe runs out of milk.

My grandfather is really frustrated at the new stair lift he installed in his house.

It’s driving him up the wall.

My 8 year old cousin: " Why did the chicken cross the road?"

8yo cousin: To get to the idiot's house.

Me (patronizingly): Oh..uh..yeah good one haha.

8yo cousin: Wanna hear another one? Knock knock

Me: Who's there

8yo: The chicken.

Dinner party at neighbor's house.

Neighbor: hey just so you know I invited
Dan to the dinner party!

Me: cannibal Dan or Dan who can't
spell?

*phone chimes*

[Text from Dan] I can't wait to meat your
friend tonight!

Neighbor: yeah, I'm not sure.

I visited my friend at his new house. He told me to make myself at home.

So I threw him out. I hate having visitors.

The red guy lives in the red house, the green guy lives in the green house, and the yellow guy lives in the yellow house. Which house does the orange guy live in?

The white house.

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Last night 2 robbers robbed my house, but all they took was soap.

Dirty bastards, cops said they got away clean.

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That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

I wasn't allowed into the house party.

That's the last time I go to one dressed as a Jehovah's witness.

Why didn’t the Kansas City Chiefs go to meet the president at the White House?

They tried... Unfortunately, they went to the state of Washington...

A man comes home drunk from the bar and realizes he doesn't have his house key

So he knocks on the door and his wife answers. She looks him up and down and exclaims, "Drunk again!"

"Don't worry, Honey," he says reassuringly, "I am, too."

A man is at his house when he hears a loud knock on his door

He looks out the window and sees a police officer so he opens up and says,
"hello officer, what can I do for you?" the officer says,
"I'm sorry sir, but you're under arrest for illegally downloading all of wikipedia," frantically, the man replies,
"Officer wait, I can explain everything!"

Every morning I get out of the house, a bike keeps running me over.

It’s a vicious cycle.

An ant walked into a man's house

The ant requested the man to stay in his house. The man was polite and allowed it to stay with him without paying rent. After a few more days, another ant, hearing the news about the free accomodation also came and asked for a home. He allowed both of them to stay for free because they were tiny and...

What do the House of Representatives, a left turn only lane, and women have in common?

They have no rights.

What does a house wear to a party??

Address

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

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I went to take a shit in my friend's house and they had Donald Trump's autobiography on the side

I thought about it, but decided toilet paper would be comfier

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- Would you believe me? Tom is so rich that he has a golden toilet in his house!

– No way! You have to be kidding me!

– Last weekend he had a house party, and I was there. I was really surprised when I saw his toilet!

– I don't believe you. Let's visit him.

The two friends go to Tom's house. The first one knocks on a door and he is welcomed by Tom's wife, wh...

what's the best place to hide if a murderer breaks into your house?

the living room.

What did the Mexican say when the two houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes.

Someone broke 2/3 of my window on their way into my house

ow

A young man named Dave bought a horse from a farmer for $250

The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Dave's house and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died"

Dave replied, "Well, then just give me my money back"

The farmer said, "Can’t do that. I went and spent it already"
...

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Little Johnny was playing with his favorite car out front of his house when he accidentally lost it down the drain.

Johnny starts swearing his head off when the local priest walks past.

"Johnny, you shouldn't swear like that. God's everywhere"

"Bullshit, he can't be everywhere at once" says Johnny.

"But he is. He's around us as we speak" replies the priest.

"OK" says Johnny, "Is he at ...

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

'Twas the night before Christmas and all through the house not a creature was stirring...

Because the carbon monoxide detector failed.

Merry Christmas Reddit!

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

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A burglar broke into a large dark house....

As he’s rummaging through the drawers he hears a voice from the dark, it says
“Jesus is watching you”

He shines his torch he around but cannot see anyone so continues his nefarious deed.

A few seconds later the voice is back
“Jesus is watching you”

He again looks around wi...

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A mother was in the kitchen listening to her five year old playing with his new train set in the lounge.

She heard the train stop and her son saying "All of You bastards who want off, get off now 'cos we're in a hurry! And all of you bastards who are getting on, get on now 'cos we're going down the tracks"

The horrified mother went in and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this...

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An Irish daughter (an oldie but goodie)

An Irish daughter had not been to the house for over five years. Upon her return, her father cussed her out, "Where have you been all this time, you ingrate! Why didn't you write us, not even a line to let us know how you were doing? Why didn't you call? You little tramp! Don't you know what you put...

It's so hard to remove Trump from the White House.

Because it's difficult to remove a mental health patient from government housing.

What do you call a person who breaks into a house, steals food and drinks, and leaves in a getaway vehicle?

Santa Claus.

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A man is away from home and has his house robbed...

He returns to find many of his things missing, including his favorite, a sizeable globe. He's sad over this, and does all he can to get it back, hoping the police find the culprit, checking local globe listings on the globe market to see if anyone's posted the pilfered planet. All to no avail. But o...

A woman said to her husband "Why don't you treat me like you did when we were first dating?"

So he took her to dinner and a movie, and dropped her off at her parent's house.

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A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up at the White House.

A reporter was interviewing Dick Cheney after his term was up in the white house. The reporter asked “What did you and George do for fun when things got boring?"

"Well we'd run 2 laps around the white house and see who had the best time. My best was 10:24".

"Wow," said the reporter, "t...

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Last night, my house was completely ransacked.

Now I’ve lost everything except my virginity.

What is dog's favorite part of the house?

Roof

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two boys in Egypt free a crocodile...

In a small village in Egypt lived two orphan boys, Set and Amenhotep. They always watched out for each other, well past their years of childhood and into their time as young adults.

One day, the two were walking outside the village when they saw a crocodile trapped in a poacher’s snare. The t...

Joe Biden recently said his kid's won't have offices in the white house.

Mainly because he also won't have an office in the white house.

What do me and my house plant have in common?

We’re both dying inside.

Some douche bag stole my anti-depressants from my bathroom during a house party.

I hope he's happy now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

3 nuns went to a village and stayed a night at a lodging house.

Because it was a small lodging house, there was only one pool where people took a

bath. So the owner told the nuns to take their bath first, then it would be

his turn. But at that time they were busy praying to God, and didn't hear

anything the owner said.

An hour later, ...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

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