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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

Someone broke into my house last night and stole my limbo set.

How low can you go?

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don’t worry.

I’ll return.

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

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A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house...(NSFW)

...carrying a roll of duct tape. The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?” The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!” The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?” The little boy just smil...

When I got home my entire house was filled with stringed instruments so I called 911.

The police said it was the worst case of Domestic Violins they had ever seen.

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”

​

The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

A man came home to find his house burned down, only the chimney was still standing. Since he had no where else to go, he slept in his fireplace that night. In the morning the mailman came to deliver and found the man waking up. The mailman remarked that he was impressed the man got any sleep at all.

To which the man replied, "actually I slept like a log."

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

The president was walking out of the White House...

The president was walking out of the White House heading towards his limo when a possible assassin jumps out and aims his gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”
This startled the would be assassin long enough to be captured.

Later the secret service age...

Did you know the average gazelle can jump higher than a two story house?

This is due to the animal’s extremely powerful hind legs and the fact that a house can’t jump.

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

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I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

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[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

How does your house get power?

The people at power plants "Work over time"!

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

Q: What is big as a house, makes a lot of smoke and noise, takes down 20 liters of gas per hour, and cuts an apple into three pieces?

A: a Soviet machine designed to cut apples into four pieces.

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It was hot today, so I dragged a box fan from the basement and lifted it into a window to suck the warm air out of the house.

It was exhausting.

A number is visiting a letter's house, where the letter is cooking a pi in the oven.

The number says "Decimal of that pi is so delicious. I wanna taste it so bad!"

The letter said "Alphabet you do."

Before his inauguration, George W. Bush was invited to take a tour of the White House.

After drinking several glasses of water, he asked President Clinton if he could use the bathroom in the Oval Office. He was astonished to see that the president had a solid gold urinal installed. That night, George W. told his wife, Laura, about the urinal.

​

“Just think,” h...

A kid decides to burn his house down

His parents just manage to get out as flames engulf the house and they see the kid across the road, looking delighted. The dad wraps his arms around his wife, tears welling up in their eyes, and says ‘that’s arson’.

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

Where in a house is the safest place to hide from zombies?

The living room

What is the difference between organized crime and the Whitehouse?

The Whitehouse isn’t organized.

The purple man lives in the purple house. The blue man lives in the blue house. Who lives in the White House?

The orange man.

Devin Nunes passed a bill in the House of Representatives today.

The hard part was swallowing William earlier in the day.

The police raided my house and found dynamite, wire and a detonator with a plunger

Eyes welling with tears, I begged, “PLEASE don’t press charges!”

Mrs O’ Sullivan hears the doorbell and opens the front door of her house

Standing in the rain, is her husbands best friend, Paddy.

"Hello Paddy, but where is Seamus? I thought he went with you to the brewery"

Paddy shook his head. "Ah Aileen, there was a terrible accident at the brewery, your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned"

Mrs O’ Su...

What do a new house plant and a new relationship have in common?

No matter how good my intentions, eventually I'm going to kill it.

A regular kid and an anti-vaxx kid were at a haunted house.

A man with a chainsaw begins to run at them, but only the normal kid runs.

Why, you may ask?

Well, I'd like to see you try to run while in a coffin.

I've put massive billboards up on the side of my house one says "Henry the VIII was a Fat protestant Bigamist"

and the other says "Elizabeth the 1st was an ugly ginger virgin".

Well the wife said she always wanted to live in a Mock tudor house .

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A maid asks a the woman of the house for a raise.

A maid asks a the woman of the house for a raise. The woman asks they made why she wanted one. They maid replied by saying that she was better at cleaning than the woman. The woman asked why she thought so. The maid replied that the woman’s husband told her. The maid also said that her husband told ...

An elderly golfer comes in after a good round of golf at the new course and heads straight to the bar/restaurant area of the club house.

As he passes through the swinging doors, he spots a sign hanging over the bar that reads:

COLD BEER: $5.00
HAMBURGER: $10.00
CHEESEBURGER: $15.50
CHICKEN SANDWICH : $18.50
HAND JOB: $250.00

Checking his wallet to be sure he has the necessary money, the old golfer walks ...

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My wife told me that if I painted the whole house, we could get freaky and do anal.

It's been a week and my ass is still sore.

I've been invited to a fancy dress party at Arnold Schwarzenegger's house. The theme is classical composers.

I'll be Bach.

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A door-to-door salesman knocks on a door of a house

Little Johnny opens up, holding a half empty bottle of whisky and a lit cigar.

The salesman says, "hey kid, are your mom and dad home?"

Johnny takes a swig of whisky and a puff of the cigar, and answers, "What the fuck do you think"?

What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?

If you pull the ring, your house is gone.

A redneck boy ran into his house and announced excitedly:

"I’ve found the girl I’m gonna marry! And she’s a virgin!"


His father thumped his fist on the table angrily. "There’s no way you’re marrying that girl," he yelled. "If she ain’t good enough for her own family, she sure ain’t good enough for ours!"

I sat with my friend in his house and we had both taken some LSD.

As it started to kick in I said, 'Wow, I never thought you actually saw elephants on this stuff.'

He said, 'Shut up and keep watching my wedding video.'

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”

​

“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

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I went by the house I grew up in...

I went up to the door and asked if I could go in and look around, they said "No" and slammed the door.

My parents are dicks.

Have you ever seen the inside of Stevie Wonders house?

Neither has he.

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A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

What song does Trump play while going to a Mexican family's house?

Ice, Ice, Baby.

Helium saved 6 people from a house fire.

He’s such a noble gas.

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A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

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So my grandad was stumbling through the house after the power went out, looking for a snack of leftover chicken in the fridge, tripped over a trash can and yelled "Aaaargh!" as he fell.

Which came first, the shitcan or the aaargh?

What's the difference between a cactus and The White House?

A cactus has pricks on the outside...

A young boy is jogging away from school, with tears running down his eyes, sobbing. He enters a house and...

Says "Mom! Mom! Evrryone in my school keeps calling me distracted"

The woman replies

"They are probably right my boy because your house is on the other side of the street"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

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A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

I went to see a local clairvoyant in his house...

I knocked on his door, he said "yes, who is it?"

I went home disappointed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the blind man walk through a house filled with crap?

He couldn’t see shit

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My friend called me for help, he said there were two women outside his house literally fighting over him. I told him he was a lucky bastard!

*“Lucky??”* he said *”No not really, the fat one is winning”*

A goalkeeper hosted a celebratory dinner at his house after his team won the league championship.

Before dinner, he asked the coach to say grace. The coach concluded his prayer by saying, “We ask that you bless this food in the name of the father, and of the son, and of the goalie host.”

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

I keep telling my boyfriend I don't want trash lying around the house

So he finally took the hint this morning and moved out.

A man walks into the house tired from a long day of work, and is suddenly confronted by his wife, who is complaining about the blisters left on her hands from the broom.

The man looks at her and says "couldn't you have just taken the car?"

How do you know if a hippie’s been in your house?

They’re still still there.

While you're at someone's house, it's pretty easy to tell if they like plants.

Just look around and see if they botany.

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I said decepticons.

She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good time.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone broke into my house last night.

They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo!

Dirty Bastards

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

The Prostitute House

The madam tell her girls "Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference"

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think mine was a witch'
...

TV Show Pitch: 30 Unvaccinated Kids Live in a House Together

We'll call it Survivor.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

When my wife and I first got married; we'd do it everywhere around the house...

... the living room, the kitchen, the bathroom, you name it.

Now that we're older though... We just have hallway sex. That's where we pass each other in the hallway and say "Fuck you!".

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

An Elf Ranger was touring the remote mountain village in which he lived, when suddenly a man ran out of the house and came up to him.

"Ranger!" the man demanded. "My wife recently gave birth to an Elf! And you are the only Elf anywhere around here, everyone else is human! Explain yourself!"

"Now, don't judge too harshly," The Ranger answered and pointed towards the boars in the man's front yard. "You see, boars are normally...

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A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.

​

The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.

​

He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small,...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: Talking Dog For Sale.

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

Why does Cristiano Ronaldo always cleans his house?

becuz he can't stand it looking Messi.

As the robber was standing in my house I begged once more, "Please, I have three children and a wife!"

He answered: "For the last time dude i'm not going to shoot you"

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my good Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. And do worry

...because as I left I had to tell my pregnant maid, “Come with me if you want to live”

What do skinny jeans and modern houses have in common?

No ballroom

Question: what did socialists use to light their houses before candles?

Answer: electricity.

What do Great Britain and bad house-guests have in common?

They take forever to leave...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you get seven sexy clowns to stop watching TV at your house?

Respond quickly please. My parents will be home any minute.

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

A guy told his girlfriend to come to his house tonight because no one will be there

She came, no one was there

A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place.
“It’s terrific,” he says. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

Two cops get to this guy's house to have a talk

Knock knock

Cop: Police here. Is anyone home?

Guy (yet inside the house): Yes. Why?

Cop: We just want to have a talk.

Guy: How many of you are there?

Cop: There's 2 of us!

Guy: Great, so you can talk with each other! Bye.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

Son runs into the house,

he screams to his mom: " I'm not a virgin anymore!" His mom is happy for him and says that he has to talk to his father. The son yells the same time his dad. The father says: " Son, you are growing up. We need to talk. Please sit down. Upon wich the son says with a weird face: " Sorry dad, but that ...

What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

What would a house wear?

Address

A church pastor is invited to dinner at the house of a parishioner.

The pastor sits at the table with the family. The mom requests her daughter, age six, say grace before the meal. She sits in silence. “It’s okay, dear,” the mother calms her. “You can do it. Just repeat what you heard daddy say before breakfast this morning.”

​

The little gi...

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

Two presidential aides are having coffee in a back room at the White House. “Sometimes I wish we worked for the pope and not the president,” one of them says.

“Why?” asks the second aide.

​

“Because then we’d only have to kiss his ring.”

Bob is having trouble finding workers for his house construction company

So he decides to open the position up to people with more general skills. The first candidate doesn't have much experience in construction, but insists that his previous experience will be an asset.

The man seems earnest, so Bob decides to give him a chance. He tells the foreman to watch the ...

How did my friend get into my house while I was on holiday?

He went intruder window.

A house was charged with murder...

Personally I think it was framed.

A man's house is drowning

The boat tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and big ship tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and helicopter tries to save him, but the man says:

...

There’s a group of kids outside my house having a water fight, I’ve decided I’m going to go and join them

I’m just chilling on reddit waiting for the kettle to boil

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My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.

​

Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house