Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses. He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see." He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells, "Was I going up the stairs or coming down?...

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A priest is sitting inside the church, when a guy comes in and asks to be confessed.

“Very well, my child,” says the priest, as he leads the man into the confession booth, “Tell me about your sins.”

“Well, Father,” says the guy, “On Monday, I was at my girlfriend’s house, and, well… the two of us alone, the house empty… I sinned, Father.”

“Don’t worry, child,” says the...

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A fourth-generation prostitute goes home to her great-grandmother's house for a family dinner...

She begins complaining to her family about work. "Geeze! Men these days complain about paying $50 for a blowjob! It's hard work! I *earn* that money!"

Mom, who was a hooker in the 1980s laughs. "Fifty bucks!? You're complaining about that? When I was on the streets, we were lucky to get $20!"...

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The husband and his young wife were not on good terms. In fact the wife was convinced that he was carrying on with the pretty housemaid, so she laid a trap.

One evening she suddenly sent the maid home for the weekend and didn’t inform the husband.

That night when they went to bed, the husband gave the old story,”Excuse me my dear……..my stomach,” and disappeared towards the bathroom.

The wife promptly dashed along the corridor, up the back ...

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Guy takes his best mate home to meet his wife:

His wife screams,"You fucking dickhead, my hair and make-up are a mess, the house is a tip, the dishes aren't done, I'm still in my pyjamas, I can't be bothered to cook and it's my time of the month!. Why the fuck did you bring him home?. The husband replies "Because he was thinking of getting marri...

Three house pets- a golden retriever, a parakeet, and a cat-- all die and go to heaven...

As with all the good animals, God decides to have a personal discussion with each one to see where they will stay in heaven.

God turns to the golden retriever and says "The Book of Life indicates that you have been a very good boy. But tell me, in your own words, what are your ultimate princi...

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A rich millionaire decides to throw a massive party for his 50th birthday, so during this party he grabs the microphone and he announces to his guests that down in the garden of his mansion he has a swimming pool with two crocodiles in it.

'I will give anything they desire of mine, to the man who swims across that pool.' So the party continues with no events in the pool, until suddenly, there is a great splash and all the guests of the party run to the pool to see what has happened.

In the pool is a man and he is swimming as h...

A burglar breaks into a house

A burglar breaks into a house and is starting to go through the valuables when he hears "Jesus is watching".

He freezes, looking around for whoever said it, but after a minute of silence he starts to think that maybe he imagined it.

He goes back to rifling through drawers, stealing the...

During allied invasion in occupied Germany, about dozen Soldiers stormed in to a house and there were two young beautiful looking girls in early 20's and their grandmother..

Scared but determined the two young girls said to the soldiers "Do what yall please with us...Spare our grandmother"

Grandmother : "Shut up Jimbos.. This is war"

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A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns.

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

My wife kicked me out of the house for my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions. But don't worry.

I'll return.

My daughter want's the new iPhone for her birthday. I told her she will get one as long as she has good grades, does her chores, and follows the house rules. Otherwise she will get a cheaper phone, because.

It's my way or the Huawei.

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Two married buddies are out drinking one night, when one turns to the other and says...

"You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, I get undressed in the bathroom. ...

I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...

...but he really knew how to make an entrance.

Things turned really ugly at my house last night.

My girlfriend removed her make up.

President Trump is walking out of the white house heading towards his limo

when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'
This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'
Blu...

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted

I don't get it. I've lived here for 273 years and not noticed anything strange.

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[NSFW] A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a swe...

If I had a dollar for everytime someone over 40 told me my generation sucks....

Then I could afford a house in the economy they ruined.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon.

A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money.
The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. But please untie the rope and free her.’

Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’
Man...

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I went to visit my old hometown the other day and found the house I grew up in. I knocked on the door and asked the owners if I could have a look around. They said "NO!" and closed the door in my face.

My parents can be such jerks sometimes.

What garment are you most likely to spot a house in?

Address

What do you call a snake that builds houses?

A boa constructer



Don’t bully me I know it’s bad

I was in my room and saw a group of 10 ants running around frantically. I felt bad and made a small house for them out of cardboard. This technically makes me their landlord and they are my ..

Tenants

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Two friends, Bob and Sam, are bored are sitting around the house. Bob asks Sam do you want to play a game?

**NOTE: This joke only really works in person and told to a group of people. **

Sam says "Ok, what's the game?"

Bob replies, "I'll blind fold you and put something up your butt and you have to guess what it is."

Sam hesitantly says, "umm ok" and puts a blind fold on and drops h...

I remember the first time I went to my girlfriends house and her dad didn’t let us sleep together.

Which is a shame because he’s very attractive

Did you know that kangaroos can jump higher than houses

This is due to the fact that kangaroos have very strong hind legs, and the fact that houses can't jump.

True house cleaners aren't just born

They're maid.

A little boy is walking home from his friend's house,

When he sees something in the middle of the road. He bends over and picks up a picture of a smiling pretty girl holding up two fingers. He thinks, "Wow! What a cool picture! I'm going to show Mo-." The boy is hit by a truck and instantly dies. A man gets out of the truck in a panic and 911 already p...

What do you call a house full of sane people?

An inn sane asylum

\*an oxymoronic joke.

A man entered his house....

A man entered his house and was absolutely delighted when he discovered someone had stolen every lamp in his house.

How many divorced men does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Who knows; they never get the house.

A guy sees a sign in a window of a house that reads,"talking dog for sale."

Intrigued,he walks in.

"So,what have you done with your life?"He asks the dog.

"I've lived a very full life,"says the dog."I've lived in the Alps rescuing avalanche victims.Then I served my country in Iraq.And now I spend my days reading to elderly people in a retirement home."

...

Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

BREAKING : Prison guard responsible for watching Jeffrey Epstein killed in tragic house fire

Time of death was 11:26am, tomorrow.

My wife asked my why i carry a gun in the house.

I looked at her and said "Decepticons". She laughed, i laughed, the toaster laughed, i shot the toaster. It was a good time.

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

I burped a few times and the driver looked at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £40 if you throw up on my seats."

I burped again.

Thankfully I was able to hold it down until we stopped outside my house. Another enormous burp escaped my lips.

The driver assessed me once mo...

Two guys meet in heaven after their death. One asks the other:

\- "So, how did you die?"

\- "I died from cold. I got frozen" answers the other and asks "How about you? What happened to you?"

\- "I died from laughing too much" - answers the other.

The second guy gets confused and asks: "What do you mean? How could you die from laughing?"...

My roommates always say they think our house is haunted.

But I've lived here for 600 years and everything seems fine to me.

A 17-year-old boy who works part time at Pizza Hut drives up to park in front of his house in a beautiful Porche

Naturally, his parents know that there’s no way he earned enough with his after-school job to buy such a car.
“Where did you get that car?” his mom and dad screamed in shock.

“I bought it today,” replied the teen calmly.

“With what money young man?” his mom demands. “We know how mu...

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A young family moved into a house next to a vacant lot. One day, a construction crew turned up to start building a house on the empty lot.

The young family’s 5-year-old daughter naturally took an interest in all the activity going on next door and spent much of each day observing the workers. Eventually the construction crew, all of them “gems-in-the-rough” more or less, had adopted her as a kind of project mascot.

They chatted ...

Three contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC.

One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third is from Florida.

All three go with a White House official to examine the fence. The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuring, then works some figures with a pencil. "Well," he says, "I figure the job ...

I went to a curry house and ordered the pelican curry

It was really nice but the bill was massive

If a robber robs a house under renovation and accidentally leaves his handprint on wet cement,

Does that mean that the police have concrete evidence?

My roommates insist that our house is haunted

I’ve lived here for 274 years and never once met a ghost.

I have an idea for a chain of Elvis steak houses.

It will be for people who love meat tender.

Why is God’s house always cold?

Because he can’t close a door without opening a window.

I went to a cannibal's house for dinner. His manners were like nobody else's.

He was *encouraging* me to put my feet up on the table.

How many white house staff members does it take to change the weather?

One, and all the rest have to agree with it.

Grandma and grandpa lived in a one room house with their kids so had little "private time".

Grandma said if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my breast once. If you don't want to make love squeeze it twice. Grandpa said OK if you wake up in the middle of the night and you want to make love squeeze my privates once. If you don't want to make love squee...

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A man was robbing a house

He snuck in at the dead of night, the owners weren’t home. Good. He started to clear the expensive stuff off the shelves in the living room, he reached for an expensive-looking pen on display when he heard a distant voice whisper “Jesus is watching you”

Startled, he looked around yet saw no o...

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The snow at my house is at least 3 inches deep.

I know this because I stuck my penis into it and couldn’t feel the ground.

One day, Mickey Mouse wakes up and found a graffiti on the snow written with pee outside his house.

The graffiti wrote "Mickey Sucks".

The police came, and they told Mickey that there's bad news and an even worse news.

The bad news is, the urine is from Goofy.

The worse news is, its Minnie's handwriting.

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A guy is driving around the back woods and he sees a sign in front of a broken down, shanty-style house: "Talking Dog For Sale".

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep," the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog t...

Why was the guy so good at cleaning house?

He was Dustin.

Obama doesn't live in a house

He lives in a Barack

A man calls his house to ask his wife a question. A little girl picks up the phone.

"Hi honey, can you put your mom on the phone?"

"I can't, she's upstairs with Uncle Roger"

"You don't have an Uncle Roger"

"Yes I do. He's upstairs with mommy in the bedroom."

Getting angry, the guy keeps his voice calm and says, "Okay honey, this is what I want you to do....

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Some pervert broke into my house today and jerked off on my wall.

It’s ok though. It was a load bearing wall.

When I visited the White House the other day

I was inspired to run for the office of President. Unfortunately, Secret Service tackled me before I got there.

What do houses eat when their breath stinks?

apartmints

To save money my girlfriend and I sold our house and now live with our horses in their barn area.

Ir was tough at first but it's been a stable relationship.

A robber crawls through the window of an empty house.

He begins stuffing jewelry into a pillow case, but is interrupted by a voice saying "Jesus is watching you."

He is freaked out, of course, but decides that checking it out with a flashlight would attract people. He makes a vow that this will be his last job, and continues emptying the box. ...

How does a penguin build a house?

Igloos it together.

Why would you never ask a texan to build you a house?

Because their Cowboy Builders.

A pastor wants his house painted...

and one of his parishioners offers to do it, but he needs money to pick up the supplies. The pastor gives him some money, but when the time comes to paint the house, the parishioner finds he only has half the paint he needs. He figures, "I'll just water it down. It'll be fine." He does that, paints ...

Did you hear about the 2 guys who broke into a house and stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

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[nsfw] A boy goes to his grandparents house.

Grandpa and the boy are sitting in the den watching tv. The grandpa takes a hit off of his cigar.

Boy: “can I try that grandpa”

Grandpa: “does your dick touch your asshole”

Boy: “no”

Grandpa: “well you can’t try it”

A couple hours go by and grandpa is drinking ...

A website opened that houses many Eye relief medicine

It was a site for sore eyes

My kids asked me why their tree house was in the shape of an octagon, I told them...

during the construction process, corners were cut.

Can't believe somebody broke into my house last night and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?

Security saw me fingering my girlfriend while on her period in the movie house.

I guess I was caught red handed.

I went to this guy's house and there were neck garments with hogs on everywhere.

The place was a pigs tie.

My Chinese friend, Chang, invited me to his house for dinner

While at his house, I finally have the courage to ask him a question that's been on my mind:

"Hey Chang, don't Chinese people get bothered when others think you all look the same?"

He replies: "Chang is in the bathroom, I'm his wife"

How many babies does it take to paint a house?

Depends how hard you throw them.

A blonde is running around the house with a flashlight and a shoe box.

She puts the flashlight on the floor, sneaks in front of the light, puts the box on the floor, then quickly closes the box.

Husband comes home, only to find his giggly wife doing this over and over again: “Honey, what the heck are you doing?”

“She was right, this is fun! Cindy told me...

Why didn’t Cain build a house for his father?

He was not Abel

What do you call a dog on top of a house?

A woof.

What do you call it when a Steam user moves house?

A pro gamer move

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

I got thousands of letters delivered to my house today

That's the last time I order a dictionary from Ikea

Two church members were going door-to-door through the neighborhood and finally arrived at Mrs. Smith's house.

She was not happy to see them. She greeted them with an attitude that made it clear she had no time to waste on them or their message.


As she slammed the door in their faces, though, to her surprise, it bounced back open. She caught it, slammed it again, but the same thing happened! ...

A man visits the house of a new acquaintance.

In the gate to the yard there is a "Beware of Dog" sign and he starts hearing barks. He gets in and locks the gate behind him while he hears the barks getting louder. Looking all around him he can't see a dog so he goes to the door while the barks seem to get closer. At the last second he sees a tin...

This huge guy broke into my house last night.

I confronted him but he punched me in the stomach then smacked me across the face. While I lay on the ground he stole my wallet, my phone, and then walked out with my TV.

I didn't manage to scratch him or take a photo but rang the police anyway in the hope they'd at least be able to find a...

2 blonds are working on bulding a house...

One blond is working on putting the nails in, on a side of a house. As the other blond watches, she sees her put a nail in, then throw one away, then throw away another one, and put one in... She repeats this for a while, then the other blond asks her "Why are you throwing away those nails?" she rep...

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A little boy goes walking by the old man’s house...(NSFW)

...carrying a roll of duct tape. The old man hollers from his porch, “Hey, young man! Where you walking to with that duct tape?” The boy responds, “I’m gonna catch me some ducks!” The old man laughs and yells back, “Boy, don’t you know you can’t catch ducks with duct tape?” The little boy just smil...

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I’m trying to introduce my wife to my Scooby Doo sex fantasy.

I think it’s working, she said we should split up. She went to her parents house and I’m looking for clues in the garden.

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Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

Buzz Aldrin and Mike Collins were invited to the White House to celebrate the 50th anniversary of the moon landing...

Buzz got to enter the White House and meet with the president, but Mike had to spend the entire visit driving in circles around the White House.

2 robbers break into a house

In the house, 4 people live there. A mom, a dad, and 2 kids. When the robbers break in, the parents say to the kids, "stand still, and just do what they tell you to do."

The robber hands the mom a gun, and holds one to her head, and tells her to shoot one of her kids.

She panicks, ta...

They recently opened a gynecologist clinic near my house.

I'm fine with it, but they really shouldn't have put up a sign that said "GRAND OPENING"

Me: .. And this is my house

Friend: What's upstairs?
Me: Stairs don't talk

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What's it called when you take a shit in a haunted house?

A spooky dookie

What did the gangster say when a bunch of houses fell on him?

Get off me, homes!

I’d buy a house but I’m afraid I won’t be able to carry the payments.

Buy a lighthouse!

What did Communists use to light their houses before candles?

Electricity

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

A burglar broke into a house one night.

He shined his flashlight around, looking for valuables when a voice in the dark said, 'Jesus knows you're here.'

He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off, and froze. When he heard nothing more, he shook his head and continued.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so h...

What was the duck doing at the trap house?

Smoking quack

I was having dinner at my girlfriend's house for the first time.

"Can I use your bathroom?" I asked.

"Sure, but could you use the can of air freshener?" said her mother jokingly.

Really strange, but I managed to fit all the poo into the bottle.

Two painters paint a house and hand the customer the bill.

The customer notices that the men charged no money for the actual paint. The customer says, “You guys did such a good job. Why aren’t you charging me for the paint?”



The head painter looks at the man and says, “Don’t worry about the paint, it’s on the house.”

My friend lives in house number 667

Neighbour of the beast.

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