Two thieves break into a house. Once inside, they sneak into the master bedroom and tie up the naked woman they find in there.

A startled, naked, man comes out of the bathroom, sees what's happening and says, "Please, please, take whatever you want, I will even give you the combination to my safe. Just, please, untie her and let her go."

The thieves were surprised by how heartfelt the pleas from the man were. One of...

My ex divorced me because she said I treated her like a maid.

But even the judge agreed that she should keep the house.

The President is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts “Mickey Mouse!”

This startles the would be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks, “What in the hell made you shout 'Mickey Mouse'?”

Blushing, the agent replies, “I got ne...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Husband says to his wife that he is going golfing. She gets upset because she thought they would spend the day together.

Husband: "honey just give me the day I need to relieve some stress. Besides You don't even golf."


Wife: "I want to learn and besides it's something we can do together."


The husband begrudgingly accepts his wife request and they go to the golf course. On the first tee the hu...

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate

A Mom visits her son for dinner who lives with a girl roommate.

During the course of the meal, his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty his roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.

Over the course of th...

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Scharzenegger impressions. But don't worry

I'll return.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

[NSFW] Hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparents’ house to comfort her 95-year old grandmother.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied: ”He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning.”

Horrified, Katie told her that two people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

”Oh no, my dear” replies granny. ”Man...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I went by the house I grew up in...

I went up to the door and asked if I could go in and look around, they said "No" and slammed the door.

My parents are dicks.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man escapes from a prison where he's been locked up for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns...

Inside, he finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.

While tying the homeowner's wife to the bed, the convict gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he's in there, the husband whispers over to his w...

What does a wife and a handgrenade have in common?

If you pull the ring, your house is gone.

Helium saved 6 people from a house fire.

He’s such a noble gas.

A man rings the doorbell of a small house and an old woman answers.

“I’m sorry,” the man says, “but I’m afraid I’ve run over your cat. I’d like to replace it if I can.”

​

“All right,” the old woman says. “But how good are you at catching mice?”

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A sexy woman sits down next to a guy drinking alone at a bar

She whispers, "You look like you could use a little fun. For $100, I'll do anything you ask me to in three words or less."

The man takes a drink of his beer, then takes out $100 and says, "Paint my house."

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house:'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. "Yep" the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's you...

A farmer drove over to his neighbor’s house and knocked on the door...

A boy, about 9, opened the door.

“Is your mom or dad home?” The farmer asked the boy

“No, they went in to town.” The boy replied

“Well, how about your brother Howard?” The farmer asked

“No, he went with mom and dad.” The boy said

The farmer stood there for a minut...

A jewel thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, “You can take anything you want. You can even pistol whip me, but please untie the rope and free her.”

Thief: “You must really love your wife!”


Man: “No, but she will be home shortly”.

A robber broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I woke up to look with him.

There were three guys in an airplane. One guy dropped a rock, another dropped a brick, and the last dropped a grenade.

When they got back on the ground they were walking down the street and they saw a woman crying. Being the gentlemen they are they went up to ask her why she was crying she said: "A rock fell from the sky, landed on my cat and now my cat is dead." The men said they were very sorry to hear that and wa...

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house. I said decepticons.

She laughed. I laughed. The toaster laughed. I shot the toaster. It was a good time.

The Prostitute House

The madam tell her girls "Just give those guys blow-up dolls. they're so wasted they'll never know the difference"

After when they're walking home the first guy says 'I think mine was dead; She never moved or made a sound the whole time'

The second says 'I think mine was a witch'
...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Someone broke into my house last night.

They stole everything except my towels, soap, deodorant, and shampoo!

Dirty Bastards

In America, what do you call someone who barges into your house with a gun demanding you hand over your stuff?

A police officer.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I'm having a meeting at my house for people who have trouble reaching orgasm.

Let me know if you can't come.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house.

A teenage boy was delivering papers to an apartment house. While there, a stunning young woman came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious ...

Question: what did socialists use to light their houses before candles?

Answer: electricity.

As the robber was standing in my house I begged once more, "Please, I have three children and a wife!"

He answered: "For the last time dude i'm not going to shoot you"

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy goes over to his new girlfriends house for dinner with her family. Unfortunately he has severe gas...

He is fighting to hold it in while they all eat.
Unable to hold it in anymore he lets out a fart and the grandma shouts “Rover!” He realizes the dog is sitting next to him and is relieved that the dog is being blamed. So naturally he lets out another one and this time the father shouts “Rover!” ...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Man goes to a tent that houses a machine that's labeled "Name a superpower you want and I'll tell you what negative effect it will have"...

He inserts the superpower of "waterbreathing" because it had been his dream since he was a kid to swim really deep.

​

The machine whirrs for a minute and then dispenses a slip.

​

He flips over the slip and it reads: "Your penis would become so small,...

It’s almost December at the White House, and Donald Trump orders his aides to put up a nativity scene on the lawn...

After working for a few hours to set one up, the aides step back to look at their work.

“It looks pretty good,” says the first one.

“Yeah, but I’m not sure the boss will like it,” says the second.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, look at these three wise men. *Three wise men...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

How do you get seven sexy clowns to stop watching TV at your house?

Respond quickly please. My parents will be home any minute.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A couple wants to have sex but their son is in the house.

The only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon "quickie " with their 8-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Popsicle and tell him to report on all the neighborhood activities...

"There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he shouted.He began his commentar...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I’m a father of four and I spent the whole week child-proofing my house...

But for the little bastards keep getting in.

Two cops get to this guy's house to have a talk

Knock knock

Cop: Police here. Is anyone home?

Guy (yet inside the house): Yes. Why?

Cop: We just want to have a talk.

Guy: How many of you are there?

Cop: There's 2 of us!

Guy: Great, so you can talk with each other! Bye.

Trump was out walking on a beautiful snowy day, when he saw that somebody had urinated on the White House lawn to spell out "The President Sucks."

Infuriated, Trump called on the secret service to figure out who had done it. In a few hours, they came to him and told him that there was some bad news and some worse news.

"The bad news is that the urine is from Putin."

"Vlad? How could he do this to me? What could be worse than this...

What do skinny jeans and modern houses have in common?

No ballroom

A house was charged with murder...

Personally I think it was framed.

A burglar breaks into a house...

A burglar breaks into a house that is completely dark. He turns on his flashlight and proceeds to the family room where he intends to start bagging small items and work his way up to the big items.

While he is beginning to collect valuables, he hears a voice.

"Jesus is watching."
...

The White House reversed its proposed cuts to the Special Olympics.

Now Don Jr. can finally get back to training.

A man's house is drowning

The boat tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and big ship tries to save him, but the man says:

"No, no the god will save me"

The water level rises up, and helicopter tries to save him, but the man says:

...

A family moves into their new house.

Grandma comes for a visit and asks the youngest child, a five-year-old, how he likes the new place.
“It’s terrific,” he says. “I have my own room, my brother has his own room, and my sister has her own room. But poor mom is still sleeping with dad.”

Three contractors bid on a fence in front of the White House

hree contractors are bidding to fix a broken fence at the White House in DC:
One is from New York , another is from Tennessee and the third, is from
Florida . All three go with a White House official to examine the fence.
The Florida contractor takes out a tape measure and does some measuri...

An Englishman, a Frenchman, and a Russian are looking at a painting of Adam and Eve

The Englishman admires it and says "Look at them, calm, reserved, and proper, they were surely English."

The Frenchmen laughs and replies "They are naked and beautiful, there is no doubt they would be French."

The Russian slowly shakes his head "No clothes, no house, no possessions, th...

What would a house wear?

Address

I'm so broke, all the last guy that broke into my house got..

was experience...

How does a penguin build it's house?

Igloos it together.

I was sleeping over at my girlfriend house, and i just lost my virginity

What can i say, her dad was really hot

I bought a new heater for my wife, as she is constantly complaining about how cold our house is.

She didn't like it at first, but now I think she's warmed up to it.

I was kicked out of the house by my Asian parents

because I got an O for my blood test instead of an A+.

I thought of this joke myself, but I'm not sure if someone else made it earlier than me.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My Roomba ran over dog poop in the house and is now suffering from PTSD.

Post Traumatic Shit Disorder.

Why doesn't Tim Cook build his own house?

Because he refuses to install windows

A man was invited for dinner at a friend's house.

Every time the host needed something, he preceded his request to his wife by calling her "My Love", "Darling", "Sweetheart", etc., etc.

His friend looked at him and said, "That's really nice after all of these years you've been married to keep saying those little pet names."

The host ...

What did the light house keeper do when he lost his job?

He became a maid, he was already accustomed to performing light house work.

Full House is becoming a trilogy

Danny Tanner was the focus of Full House.
D.J. Tanner is the focus of Fuller House.
Aunt Becky will be spending time in the Big House.

How much parking does 21 Savage have at his house?

“A lot”

Have you guys seen Stevie Wonder's new house?

Yea neither has he.

Breaking: “Full House” Actress Takes On Unexpected New Role.

“The Big House”

2 of my friends were arguing about who's house was the most expensive....

"Well, my house is worth 8 million dollars!" One of them said "Ha! Mine is worth 11 million!" The other said so I chimed in "You guys must be poor, my roof in itself is worth 200 million!"

Puzzled, they both asked me "Woah! Where do you even live? How can you afford all that?!" When I told th...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A squad of British soldiers is stuck on top of a house surrounded by Taliban.

(This does not belong to me, rather it is an excerpt from "The Junior Officers' Reading Club" by Patrick Hennessey)

Now I had it. Was in the middle of it and all I could see was Sherlock standing over me as time slowed with a deafening surprise of his latest burst in a picture of break...

A couple roommates squabble over the only phone charger in the house. One punches the other square in the face. The cops show up.

He is charged with battery.

What cheese lives in a small house?

Cottage cheese

A man went to the Police Station wishing to speak with the burglar who broke into his house the night before...

“You’ll get your chance in court.” said the Desk Sergeant.

“No!” said the man. “I want to know how he got into the house without waking my wife. I’ve been trying to do that for years!”

So a sleazy house painter gets a contract to paint a rectory.

Being the swindler cheapskate he is, he stirs water into the paint to save a buck. The painter hastily slaps the paint onto the rectory, and right as he applies the last stroke, the weather, which had been perfectly clear and sunny, instantly went dark, and a torrential rain poured down. The cheap p...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A young man knocks on the door of his girlfriends house to take her out on a date.

Her father opens the door and tells him that she’s upstairs getting ready. He offers him a seat on the couch while he waits. He accepts and the family dog, Max, comes over and sits at the young man’s feet.

After a few minutes pass, the young man has to fart but doesn’t want to because the fat...

Huckleberry Finn seemed really unsure if he was going to paint my house today.

I guess he was still on the fence.

Anyone know how to lift a house?

My girlfriend wants me to put foundation on her face.

A man and his wife just bought a new beach house with their lottery winnings.

At the wife's insistence, they start planning a lavish party to get to know their new neighbors, and the husband is put in charge of securing catering. He orders all the other food she wants for the menu, but unfortunately he forgets the escargot, and by the time he realizes it's too late. He figure...

A Nigerian man died alone in his house, the police found 2 billion in cash there

He tried to gave his money away before he died but nobody answered his emails

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man is standing in line at the pearly gates...

When he strikes up a conversation with the man next to him. ''So how did you die,'' he asks him. The man responds ''Oh I froze to death. It wasn't too bad, pretty peaceful. What about you?''

The man says ''well I was a rich man with a huge house and a nice car and I began to think my wife was...

Was at my neighbors house, and their 2 year old unvaccinated child would not stop crying.

Must have been a midlife crisis.

Was about to sleep when I saw the robber last night in my house searching for money. I immediately got up.

And searched alongside with him.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An electrician comes home to his wife after working a job at a millionaires house...

He says to his wife “honey you will not believe this, the house I worked at today had a golden toilet.”

She says “Really? I need to see this.”

They take a ride across the neighborhood and pull up in front of a huge house.

The electrician knocks on the door, a woman answers and ...

Two blondes are building a house

As they're hammering away, one blonde notices that the other is discarding every other nail she picks up.

Blonde 1: What are you doing?!

Blonde 2: These nails are no good. The pointy part is on the wrong end.

Blonde 1: You dumbass! Those are for the other side of the house!

In this house we say ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ to Alexa.

We're hoping she’ll take it easy on us when Skynet goes active.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

I was about to leave my house, but then I realized I needed to go to the bathroom.

It was an unexpected turd of events.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My wife says if this post gets over 1000 upvotes than I can get anal.

​

Please upvote because I want to remove every spot from this house

Three brothers age 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath, puts his foot in and pauses.
He yells down the stairs, "Was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back, "I don't know, I'll come up and see."
He starts up the stairs and pauses, then he yells,
"Was I going up the stairs or com...

How is Hurricane Florence like my ex wife?

They start off wet and wild but in the end, they take your house.

My girlfriend wanted to get rid of all the useless stuff in the house

so i am now homeless

What 4 animals does a woman like to have in her house?

A tiger in bed

A mink in the closet

A jaguar in the garage

and a jackass to pay for it all

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House...

Donald Trump wanted to repaint the White House, and received three quotes:

Mexican contractor: 3 million
Italian Contractor: 7 million
Israeli Contractor: 10 million

After a while Trump asked the
Mexican - Why did you ask for 3 million.
The Mexican said:-One million in pain...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

My beautiful girlfriend had a twin sister that looked exactly like her. Went over to her house one night but I got confused...

And fucked her dad

Maria had just got married and being a traditional Italian, she was still a virgin. So, on her wedding night, staying at her mother’s house, she was nervous. But her mother reassured her. “Don’t worry, Maria. Tony’s a good man. Go upstairs and he’ll take care of you.”

So up she went. When she got upstairs, Tony took off his shirt and exposed his hairy chest. Maria ran downstairs to her mother and says, “Mama, Mama, Tony’s got a big hairy chest.”

“Don’t worry, Maria,” says the mother,” all good men have hairy chests. Go upstairs. He’ll take good care of you...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a black man who has just paid off his house loan?

Mortgage Freeman.

An army plane is crashing, and three soldiers are on board

To lighten the load, each throws out one item. The first throws out an artillery shell, the second throws out a machine gun, and the third throws out a radio. It's no good however, and the plane continues going down, so the three soldiers are forced to jump out and parachute to safety.

When t...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Life is difficult for a newly-wed couple as their house is frequently broken into by thieves.

They decide to get a guard dog to scare the thieves off, so her wife goes to the pet shop and buys the meanest looking dog. They sleep that night knowing that they're safe and are shocked by what they see in the morning. The thieves have done it again, and the dog has been sleeping like a baby ever ...

It was bedtime at Micheal Jackson’s house

Wade didn’t want to go to bed so MJ said ok how about I show you a magic trick first, will you go to bed after?
Wade agreed
They had a shower and sat on the edge of the bed in their gowns.
MJ Said ok now for the magic trick, come here and sit on my lap...
Young Wade sits on his lap. <...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A newlywed couple moves into a house they've bought recently

They want to name the house but are having a hard time coming up with a suitable name. The couple comes into an agreement; they'll name the house after whatever is the next thing one of them says. A couple of hours of silence go by until the man trips while carrying some boxes into the house. Loudly...

Have you heard about the Beauty and the Beast sequel where they fix up the Beast's house?

It's a tale as old as time, a song of mold and grime.

I went to my grandfathers house this weekend

On the first night, while eating dinner, I asked "Grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water could get them." He said

The next day, I asked again,"grandad, are you sure these are clean?"
"As clean as cold water can get them." He replied again

On the third da...

What's the difference between a house, a terrorist compound, and a hospital?

Don't ask me. I just fly the drone.

The police came to my house after getting complaints about my dogs chasing people on bikes.

I told them that’s ridiculous. My dogs can’t ride bikes.

One day, a man was watching a movie with his girlfriend at his house

A man decided to take his girlfriend back to his house after a date.

She had never been to his home before, and things were getting steamy during the movie.

Just as things were starting to heat up, the couple heard a scratching noise and the man was getting visibly annoyed.

The...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

What do you call a poop in a haunted house?

A spooky dookie.

What is the difference between a White House and a White Castle?

The White Castle is actually open.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

If Donald Trump had sex with a White House intern

would they call him Bill of rights?

A newlywed couple were renovating their new house.

When they came to do the kitchen, they couldn’t decide on which sink to choose. There were loads of nice looking models in the catalogue, and there were quite a few that matched the other decor.

One day, they were in the kitchen trying to finally decide on which one to choose. All of a sudden...

I just want to thank my bank for lending me the money for my new house.

I don’t know how I could ever repay you.

A woman called to my house looking for a donation to the community swimming pool

So I gave her a bucket of water

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Calling the UK house of commons "The Chamber" makes it sound like a fucking torture room.

Which it kind of is I guess.

A cell phone rings in a locker room, A man answers the phone...

*He puts it on speaker*

Man: "Hello!"

Woman: "Hi honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

Man: "Yes."

Woman: "I'm at the mall and I just saw this beautiful leather coat and it's only $2,000, can i have it?

Man: "Sure!"

Woman: "Oh, and I just stopped by at the L...

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Why did the cannibal take a jar of peanut butter to the White House?

He heard there was a giant cheezy cracker in office.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Paddy was on his deathbed and knew the end was near...

...His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons are with him at his home in Belfast .
He asks for 2 independent witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes.

When all is ready he begins to speak:
"My son Seamus, I want you to take the houses in Cultra...

Why couldn't the broken piano get in it's house?

It didn't have any keys.

I survey houses for a living

although the owners prefer to call it "breaking in".

Yo mama so ugly...

she walked into a haunted house and came out with a job application!