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New York City has a new cocktail commemorating Ida.

It’s just a Manhattan, but watered down. #WayTooSoon

A young lady, jobless and spurned by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

She has nothing, no friends, no family, she just wants to end it all.

And as she's about to jump, a handsome young sailor shouts, "stop! Don't do it!!"


And she says, "I've nothing in this world, I might as well end it!"


And he says, "Listen, listen. It's a rotten world, ...

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Emotions

Three guys are walking down the street in Manhattan when they spot a party. They knock on the door and are turned away because they don’t have costumes. As they walk away one of them spots a can of red paint in an alley, he pours it all over himself, goes back and says “I’m red, red with anger” and ...

A young lady, destitute and rejected by her lover, heads to the Manhattan docks to drown herself.

But just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her.

"You have so much to live for," said the man. "I'm a sailor, and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy."
...

How does one defeat Dr. Manhattan?

...with an apple of course!

San Francisco, Manhattan, Chicago and Miami were having a lively conversation until St. Louis passed by, looking depressed.

Chicago said, "why are you so sad?"
St. Louis replied, "I'm always in a state of Missouri."

Born and bred in Manhattan Larry and Gene left the city to buy a cat cattle ranch in Wyoming.

Months later a friend flew out for a visit, “so what did you name the ranch,”he asked.

“At first we couldn’t agree on anything”said the new cowboy, “we finally settled on the Double R Lazy L Triple Horseshoe Bar-7 Lucky Diamond Ranch”

Wow! his friend was impressed but looking around h...

Irish Pub In Midtown Manhattan Is On Fire

An Irish pub on 32nd street caught fire one day. Smoke and flames were seen billowing out of the windows and threatening the nearby businesses. Firefighters arrived on the scene within 10 minutes but the fire had spread so rapidly from all the wood (and booze I suppose), and the building was complet...

So a guy walks into a bank in Manhattan and asks for the loan officer

The loan officer comes over immediately.

“How can I help you, sir?” he asks.

“I’m going out of town on business for two weeks and need to borrow $5,000,” the man answers.

The loan officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan.

So, the man ho...

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My legendary Manhattan joke

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender, I'll have 12 manhattans."

The bartender replies, "Comin' right up, sir!"

Shortly after he makes the 6 or 7th Manhattan the bartender asks, "So are you celebrating anything special?"

The man replies, "I sure am. I'm celebrating my firs...

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NSFW Two men & a women are sitting in a bar drinking Manhattans..

After awhile their conversation turns to their respective professions.

First guy says: "Well I'm a YUPPIE. You know: Young Urban Professional.

Second guy say: Yeah? I'm whats known as a DINK.
You know: Double Income, No Kids.

Then the woman says: Oh really you guys? Well I'l...

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Rags To Riches Success Story

A real touching success story! 

Every morning, the CEO of a large bank in Manhattan walks to the corner for a shoe shine.  He sits in an armchair, examines the Wall Street Journal and the shoe shiner buffs his shoes to a mirror shine. 

One morning the shoe shiner asks the CEO: "What do...

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A sex offender, creep and a billionaire walk into a Manhattan bar

The bartender says
Wow Mr Epstein what'll it be.

The Manhattan Project was an urban development program

It was designed to make city populations explode

TIL the word “Manhattan” means “island of many hills” in the language of the original inhabitants and the hills were leveled as the city evolved.

I guess you could say it was man-flattened.

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A man walks into a bar and orders a Manhattan.

The drink comes and he sees a piece of parsley floating in the glass.

"What in the world is this?"

The bartender says, "Central Park."

Uber dressed up some of their vehicles as Star Wars Stormtroopers in Manhattan...

I wouldn't mind riding one of those. They won't hit anything.

A driver in Manhattan is looking for a parking space

He is driving for 30 minutes looking for a place to park his car. Desperately, he looks up and pray to god: "God if you get me a parking space, i will go religious, never drink, lie or swear and will help people from now on".
As he finishes that - he sees a huge parking space. He lifts his head u...

In history class we got to read on a WW2 topic of our choice. I chose the Manhattan Project.

I heard it was the bomb.

A peephole was found drilled into the wall of a women's locker room in a gym in Manhattan.

...........The police are looking into it.

What do you do if you are driving your car in central Manhattan and you see a space man?

Park in it, of course.

What's a baker's favorite part of Manhattan?

The Lower Yeast Side.

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There's a "mood party" happening in Manhattan...

... it's a very fancy party, lots of artist types dressed up as their favorite emotion. There's one woman dressed all in red. She is rage. Another man is dressed in black. He's angst. You get the idea. It's all very sophisticated and very Manhattan.

So anyhow, the party is well underwa...

I'm getting tired of riding to work from New Jersey to Manhattan with my neighbors

I guess I'm getting Carpool Tunnel syndrome

The Archbishop of Canterbury

The Archbishop of Canterbury was making his first official visit to the U.S.A. His advisers advised him that he would need to be careful in answering any questions. As he disembarked from the plane a group of media reporters descended on him, and one thrust a microphone at him and said 'Say Archbish...

Dr. Goldberg

Dr. Goldberg was a renowned physician who earned his undergraduate, graduate and medical degrees in his home town and then left for Manhattan, where he quickly rose to the top of his field.

Soon he was invited to deliver a significant paper at a conference, coincidentally held in his home tow...

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Doctors in New York have come up with a cocktail of drugs to treat symptoms in patients with Coronavirus..

They’re calling it The Manhattan.

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[Long] A beautiful prostitute

A man is driving around the New York City late one night looking for a prostitute. He pulls over at a corner and sees what may be the most gorgeous woman he's ever laid eyes on. The man says, "you are one of the most beautiful girls I've ever seen out here, I've gotta ask, how much do you charge for...

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Before going to Europe on business, a man drove his Rolls-Royce to a downtown NY City bank and went in to ask for a $5K loan

The loan officer requested collateral, and the man gave him the keys of the Rolls-Royce. The car was driven into the bank's underground parking and the man was given the $5K.



Two weeks later the man goes to the bank and asks to settle up his loan. The officer tells him "It will be $5...

Guys I just had my first date yesterday

So there was this stunning, beautiful girl that walked past me at today, and when she gazed into my eyes, I knew it was love at first sight.

Now, I'm not a particularly handsome guy, but I've been with enough partners to know that it was time to shoot my shot, have a go at it, etc.

So,...

Remember Hurricane Sandy that hit New York a couple years ago? They made a mixed drink after it

It’s pretty much a watered down manhattan

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The Mafia leader tells his right-hand man to...

, "Go into the bathroom, jerk off and bring it out." Then he hands him a plastic cup. Unsure of what's going on, the right-hand man goes into the bathroom, jerks off into the plastic cup, and comes out. The Mafia leader says, "Good, good. Now do it again. Don't forget to bring it out." The Mafia lea...

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An old woman with a huge purse walks into a bank...

And she demands from the teller that she sees the President of Manhattan's First Bank, and she has 4 million dollars in her purse for him to see. The teller calls the President, and he arrives shortly to decide whether or not this old lady is just senile.

The old woman approaches him and say...

What was Osama Bin Laden's favourite drink?

A Double Manhattan

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[NSFW] She gives head and sings at the same time

A guy, let's call him John. John moves to his new place in Manhattan for work. John doesn't know anybody there; he's gotta start fresh.

After a few days of getting acquainted with his co-workers at the office, he's invited out to the bar for a few drinks. When they walk in, they all start to...

A lawyer is parking his BMW...

A lawyer is parking his BMW outside a store in Manhattan, and as he opens his door to get out a taxi sides wipes his car taking the whole door off.

The lawyer hops out and starts screaming at the cab driver, "You idiot, you hit my brand new BMW, you ripped the whole door off! Do you have any...

Gamer Boy Bathwater For Sale

Underneath the Manhattan Bridge

Smart Blond Joke

A very wealthy blond woman enters a bank in Manhattan and requests to take out a small loan, which she intends to pay off in two weeks.

She foregoes some of the paperwork for financials, instead offering her brand new Bentley as collateral.

The bank manager approves the loan, takes ...

Stowaway story

A depressed young woman from a Manhattan finishing school was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, “Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Euro...

An 800 pound gorilla walks into a bar...

he sits down and the bartender looks at him nervously and says, "What'll it be?"

The gorilla says, "I'll have a Manhattan."

The bartender makes him a Manhattan, hands it to him, says "That'll be 14 bucks," and watches him take a drink. He stares nervously for a minute then says to the ...

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A guy walks into a bar with a monkey

A guy walks into a bar with a monkey and has a seat.

The bartender asks, "What're ya having?" but before the man can answer, the monkey jumps on the bar and scatters food and drinks everywhere before hopping over to the pool table and swallowing a cue ball whole.

"Sorry man, he hasn't ...

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Three men stand at the Pearly Gates

Saint Peter explains to them that unfortunately Heaven is rather overcrowded at the moment, so they're only letting in people with the most horrific deaths. One by one he asks them each how they perished.

The first man: I live on the 6th floor of an apartment building in Manhattan, and for s...

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The hurricane Sandy.

A guy goes to a bar and looks at the drink menu to see if he can try a new cocktail that he never had before. He noticed there is a drink on the menu named "Hurricane Sandy." The guy never heard of it before so he asks the bartender what is it. The bartender replied "It's a watered down Manhattan...

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One of my favorite jew jokes.

3 Jewish mothers get together for lunch one day at a fancy restaurant on the upper east side in Manhattan. They haven't seen each other in years, so the conversation naturally, turns to their sons. The first one says, "My Moishe...he's the best doctor in all of New York. Celebrities see him. Michael...

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So there's two guys from Brooklyn.

Two guys from Brooklyn attend a special party in Manhattan. It's a costume party where you are supposed to come dressed up as your emotion. So this guy is dressed in all red because he's angry. Another dude is green, with envy, etc.

So the two guys from Brooklyn walk in. One of them is comple...

Bank robbery suspect

A bank in Manhattan was robbed by a naked woman yesterday.
"It is likely she'll never be caught" said Police "No one could remember her face."

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Little old lady(long)

A little old lady goes into the Chase Manhattan Bank, and says she wants to open a savings account. The accounts person asks her how much she would like to deposit to open the account and the little old lady says, "Three million dollars."
The accounts person is startled, and says, "In what form?"...

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A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sandy...

A guy walks into a bar and orders a Sandy..I says to him, what the fuck is a Sandy?

He says its a watered down Long Island.

Too soon?

Hurricane Sandy

I asked my bartender for a Hurricane Sandy. She looked confused and asked, "What is that?"

I replied, "A watered down Manhattan."

Two Scottish nuns are travelling to the United States.

One of the sisters tells the other: 'You know, in America, they eat dogs.'
Their plane lands in JFK and they take a cab to Manhattan. No sooner do they get settled in their convent than they take a walk. Sighting a hot-dog stand, they order two hot dogs. The first sister takes hers out of the wra...

My dad works on Nukes and told me this today

What dessert was served during the Manhattan Project?

Yellow Cake

Topical Jokes (5/20)

Welcome back, everybody! We've got some more news and, thus, more jokes. Let's get started.

Right off the bat, more on President Obama. Following a week of scandals, President Obama played golf with Transportation Secretary Ray LaHood. Things got a little tense when Obama had IRS agents audit...

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