UPJOKE
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Er Jokes

My wife got stung by a bee on the forehead. She's at the ER now, her face all swollen and bruised, she almost died.

Luckily I was close enough to hit the bee with my shovel.

A man was brought to the ER badly injured from an accident. “We’re losing him!” said a nurse.

“Not on my watch!” said the surgeon, who clocked out and went home.

So i just came back from the ER..

I don’t want to bore you with details, but the “Dyson Ball Cleaner” is a dangerously misleading name.

An antivaxer has a heart attack. He's rushed to ER, but during the emergency surgery, his heart stops, rendering him clinically dead.

Before he knows it, he's face to face with none other than God himself, Author of the Universe, Maker of All. God smiles beatifically and says, “Don't worry. The doctors working on you are good; you'll be back in no time. But as long as you're here, do you have any questions you'd like to ask?”
<...

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Last night a man was admitted to the ER.

Turns out, he had shoved six plastic horses up his rectum.

Doctors list his condition as stable.

I'm getting a little tired of Gen Z-er's attitudes.

Always walking around like they rent the place.

I made a virtual bubble wrap to keep you all busy during quarantine. There might be some irregular bubbles, but that is normal.

>!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!pop!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Giv!< >!ve !< >!You!< >!Up,!< >!Nev!< >!er !< >!Gon!< >!na !< >!Let!< >!You!< >...

An o‌‌ld w‌‌oman a‌‌sks h‌‌er h‌‌usband o‌‌f 6‌‌9 y‌‌ears

‌‌"Honey, w‌‌hat d‌‌id y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e w‌‌hen y‌‌ou f‌‌irst s‌‌aw m‌‌e?".

"My f‌‌irst t‌‌hought w‌‌as t‌‌hat I‌‌ w‌‌anted t‌‌o f‌‌uck y‌‌our b‌‌rains o‌‌ut a‌‌nd s‌‌uck y‌‌our t‌‌its d‌‌ry", h‌‌e r‌‌eplied.

"And w‌‌hat d‌‌o y‌‌ou t‌‌hink o‌‌f m‌‌e n‌‌ow, d‌‌arling?", t‌‌he o‌‌l...

How many 99%ers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None! Ha! We can’t change anything.

A cannibal visits the ER with severe stomach pain

He tells the doctor, “I’m afraid I ate something that didn’t agree with me, doc”

Doctor says, “what was it?”

“My mother in law.”

*In the ER* "We're losing him, anyone have any ideas?"

"How about 50 cc's of a cool refreshing beverage?"

"Dammit Dr. Pepper not now!"

TIL that 50% of Roger Federer's......

....name is "er"

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A man is rushed into the ER with a golf club wrapped around his neck

He has also been beaten horribly about the head and face. The ER doctor says, "My God man! What happened to you?" Through broken teeth the patient tells his story. "My wife and I and another couple went out for a round of golf. We went to that new course by the dairy farm out on highway 12. Well, we...

I was working in the ER today

This 80 year old woman gets brought in with a gun shot wound and she keeps screaming "you told me to do this! You did this to me!" So I found a nurse and asked her what happened. The nurse said the patient wanted to kill herself so she grabbed a gun and went to shoot herself in her heart, but she di...

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Ended up at the ER on date night with one of those notorious Viagra related injuries

Everything was going great, so I popped a viagra. I got this intense erection so We got naked and went chasing each other around the house.

Well, as I was chasing her to the hot tub, I ran smack into the glass door and broke my nose.

A man walks into the ER after swallowing a tire.

The doctor looks at the chart, looks at the man, and says "Oh my god, you really swallowed a tire?"

"Wheely.", says the man.

Just got back from the ER and I'd like to reassure you guys that I'll be all right after a couple of days on pain relief.

But I just thought I'd warn you that the Dyson ball cleaner is really misleadingly named.

What did the narcissist say after entering the hospital ER?

"You can all go home, I feel great!"

A woman comes into the ER...

A true story!

A woman came into the ER with a fish bone caught in her throat.

An orderly put her into a wheelchair, and wheeled her off toward an examination room. They came to the top of a ramp, the orderly stumbled, and accidentally let go.

The lady accelerates down the ramp,...

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A guy walks into the ER

He walks over to the receptionist and she asks him, “What’s wrong?”

“My dick” replies the man.

“Oh sir, we don’t talk like that here. I’m going to ask you what’s wrong again, this time, say your ear.”

“What’s wrong with you today, sir?” She asked again

“My ear.” says th...

Did you hear about the guy who went to the ER with 15 little toy ponies stuck up in his rear end?

Doctors say his condition is stable.

A case study has found trampolines are involved in half of all ER admissions for under-14's.

The authors said the problem is tumbling out of control.

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A day in the ER

Sean Bean's wife brings her husband into the Emergency department with a broken nose and a bruised shoulder. During triage the nurse asks how the Sean sustained the injuries. After a nudge from his wife, he sullenly replies "I was looking over my shoulder and walked into a door." The nurse wonders h...

A priest is walking through Kings Cross (a rough area of town), when a woman approached him and says

"Do you want a naughty? 200 bucks."

"Certainly not," he mutters and hurries on. Soon he passed near another woman who says "$200 for a naughty. Interested?"

"No thank you," he replies flusteredly.

As he comes near a third woman she again offers him a naughty for $200, which he ...

Rednecks git-n-er done!

"Hello, is this the Sheriff's Office?"

"Yes. What can I do you for?"

"I'm calling to report 'bout my neighbor Virgil Smith... He's hidin' marijuana inside his firewood! Don't quite know how he gets it inside them logs, be he's hidin' it there."

"Thank you very much for the ca...

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Can we take the "er" out of "Butterscotch"

No we can't, because "Buttscotch" irritates the assholes

Wife has chest pains and is examined at ER

Doc comes out and says to husband,
"She has acute angina"

Husband says, "I know.....I know..but what is wrong with her?"

BeSt FaThEr EvEr

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration. His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, "Can I speak to Doug, please?" "No, there's no one called Doug here," says the person who answered the pho...

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A woman comes running into the ER

A woman comes running into the ER with both arms in between her legs.

When she eventually gets seen by the doctor, he's surprised to see both hands stuck .. up there.

"So, what exactly is the problem?" The doctor asks.

"I was holding my pet parakeet when it suddenly just flew...

A man walks into the ER

And the doctor asks "whats the problem?".

The man replies "Well sir, I seem to have slipped and accidentally fell onto this ketchup bottle and its definitely stuck in there. Can you help?"

The doctor looks at the patient, twists the bottle and it pops rather quickly. The doctor stares...

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A man had to be rushed to the ER because he had a 4# dumbbell shoved up his arse….

When they got it out, he grabbed it, shoved it back up his ass and yelled TWO! (And this fam is why you always wipe down the equipment)

When British people pronounce words like “Water” they say it like “Wuh-er”. So what happened to the T?

They drank it

An man goes to the ER after swallowing a large magnet.

When asked why, he said, “Well, last night my wife said she just wasn’t attracted to me anymore. I was planning a big surprise tonight when her belly piercing disagreed with her.”

John decided to go skiing with his buddy, Keith, so they loaded up John's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard, so they pulled into a nearby farm...

...and asked the attractive lady who answered the door, if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed." she explained. "And I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

...

What are a trans parents pronouns

Who/where

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For my birthday, my wife said she wanted to give me a sexy special treat...

...and she asked me which of her friends I'd like to have a threesome with.

Apparently, I was only supposed to give one name and now I'm spending my birthday in the ER with a broken arm and a black eye.

I'm a 1%er and the rest of you are beneath me

I mean whole and 2% are too creamy and skim is basically disgusting milky water.

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A guy strikes up a conversation with the guy next to him in an ER waiting room.

A guy is sitting in an ER waiting room. The guy next to him is complaining because he has a sliver of metal in his eye. The first guy says, “That’s got to be the worst thing that’s ever happened to you!” The second guy says, “No, actually, this one winter I was up at my hunting shack, and I had to ...

A patient suffering from dementia is rolled into ER.

Doctor asks : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

Patient answers : "Who is the President of the United States of America?"

A man walked into the ER with severe burns and blisters to both sides of his face.

He was quickly admitted. The attending physician asked him, “how on earth did you burn your face so badly?”

The man reluctantly began his explanation. “It’s actually kind of embarrassing doc. See my wife is out of town this week, and so I’m having to do my own cooking...”

“Ah, I see...

Those one percent-ers make me so mad.

Put some proper milk in your coffee, people!

I stopped at the bar after work the other day...

...and there were three doctors at a table slamming drinks.

They were bragging about their best surgeries ever.

The first doctor said listen up. "One time a guy came in who was in a terrible wood cutting accident.

The guy lost his right arm, but I sewed him up in 3 hours. Now h...

Man goes to the ER badly beaten ......

with a golf club wrapped around his neck. The doctor says “what the hell happened to you?” The guys says well I was you golfing with my wife. When she drove the golf ball out of sight over a hill. When we came over the hill there was a cow grazing slowly but no golf ball. We looked everywhere for it...

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Worst "joke" I've ever heard.

This is a "joke" told by one of my coworkers Jake. There was me him and 2 other coworkers sitting in the work truck.

Jake: You know how geese always fly in a V?

Me: Yeah

J: Well you know how sometimes the goose in the lead will switch and another goose will fly in the front?
...

Three weddings were occurring the same hotel one weekend.

After the ceremonies and wedding meals, all three grooms happened to be at the bar at the same time and they got talking about how they were looking forward to their wedding nights.

The first groom said "Hey we should let each other know how we got on. How about, at breakfast, the number of ...

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A woman calls 911 and paramedics rush her unconscious husband to the hospital She limps into the ER as the nurses wheel him in on a stretcher,

his enormous erection clearly visible under the sheet. The doctor runs some tests and says to her "Ma'am, it appears your husband overdosed on Viagra and is in a coma. How long has he been like this?"

"About 4 days" she replies

"4 days?! Why did you wait until now to get help?"

...

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Mum: Er.. Sally, what are you doing with the cat, why are you putting it in your school bag?

Sally: I’m taking it to school because I heard dad tell you that when I go to school he is ‘going to eat that pussy’

Princess and the Frog - er, *Engineer* and the frog

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I’ll turn into a beautiful princess.” He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket.
The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I’ll stay with you for one...

ER patient with a flashlight up his ass!

He was delighted upon its removal!

Being single means you're a true DIY-er.

They even have websites and videos to help!

I went to the ER with severe lacerations...

The triage nurse explained that they were packed and it’s be at least two hours before I would be able to see a doctor.

Since I was in a hurry I asked the nurse for a needle and thread.

She replied, “Suture self.”

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How many Freudians does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Two.

One to screw in the bulb and the other to hold the penis..*ER..LADDER! I MEANT LADDER!*

I don't understand all these jokes about mothers-in-law.

Mine is sweet, supportive, and a great influence on me and my wife. I can't say anything bad about her.

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An Englishman is hiking in Scotland and he pauses to drink from a stream. A passing shepherd calls out "Dinnae drink frae that, it's all fulla coo piss an shite!"

The Englishman says to him in a cut-glass accent "I'm terribly sorry, my good fellow, would you very much mind repeating that in the Queen's English?"

And the shepherd says "I'm terribly sorry sir, I was only asking if you would like to borrow this tin cup and get a proper drink?"

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Yo mama so ugly...

Her blowjob counts as anal.

Long ago in ancient Rome, the most heinous criminals were brought before Caesar to be sentenced.

One criminal was accused of murdering his mother-in-law. What made his crime especially depraved was that, after he strangled her, he allegedly cannibalized her body. Caesar said to the man, "What do you have to say for yourself?"

"By golly I did it! I did it all, and if I could do it again, ...

An ER doc walks into a patient's room to find a woman in bed simultaneously crying and laughing hysterically.

Her husband explains that she fell getting out of the shower and immediately began laughing and crying. The doctor examined her and turns to her husband.

"It's just as I suspected. She has a humerus fracture."

A woman goes to the ER with a vibrator stuck inside her. After careful examination, the doctor tells her:

"Miss, I've got some good news and some bad news.
Bad news... The vibrator is stuck in a way that we will need to operate to remove it.
Good news... >!It sits at an angle where I will be able to change the batteries for you.!<

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks ‘Why is the last one so cheap?’

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laugh too.

When the dad gets home the parro...

After a bad cut, I asked the ER nurse if I could do my own stitches.

She said, “Suture self.”

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A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff..

A U.S. Marine Colonel was about to start the morning briefing to his staff.

While waiting for the coffee machine to finish brewing, the Colonel decided
to pose a question to all assembled.

He explained that his wife had been a bit frisky the night before and he
failed to get his ...

An army grunt is telling a story about finding a scorpion in his tent…

A marine, an army grunt, and an airman are having a beer and the army grunt is telling this story about how one time he found a scorpion in his tent. Marine asks “what’d you do?”, and the grunt says he crushed it with his boot and flung it out the flap. The marine laughs and says “what a sissy”. The...

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

A man rushes into the ER

And the man screams, "Doctor doctor, I think I am shrinking!" The doctor looks at the man and says, "Sorry but you'll have to be a little patient."

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A Black Guy, a Japanese guy, a Chinese Guy, an Arab, a Turk and a second Black guy walk into a bar

The Arab guy sits down at the bar and subsequently, he gets served first.

The bartender says, "what'll it be?"

The Arab guy says to him, "I think I'll get a Mich Ultra. Nothing too high calorie; I'm actually trying to lose a few pounds for the upcoming charity 5k next month."

Th...

I was raised as an only child

which really annoyed my sister

What do lawyers and sperm have in common?

One in fifty-million has a chance at becoming a human being.

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A shaggy looking old lady goes into her bank and asks the teller...

"Can I please withdraw $10 from my account?" while handing over her debit card.

The teller, annoyed at such a transaction request, rudely tells the old lady "Go to the ATM, stop holding up the line for $10."

The old lady then says "Okay, then I want to withdraw $10k from my account."...

What is the difference between in-laws and outlaws?

Outlaws are wanted!

"Waiter, my soup is cold!" "It's gazpacho"

"Gazpacho, my soup is cold!"

A man seeks cover in a cabin from the winter storm.

Very NSFW!

Allright, so this is a story from Norway.

It is a dark night in the winter. A small cabin is barely visible through the snow drift. A lone man, the cabin owner, sits in front of the fireplace. What little light there is comes from the fireplace and a few dim candles.
...

I’m making a comic book about a superhero toilet.

Billionaire bidet, crime fighter by night.

Two Swedish police officers are patrolling the Norwegian border.

It’s Friday afternoon and they’re in a good mood. They’re talking about how much they look forward to going home to their wives for a nice meal and some fun in bed. But suddenly they see a man who has hanged himself from a tree.

The first officer goes, *Damn it! Now we have to write a report ...

And elderly man was taken to the ER after having a massive stroke...

The ER physician told the family that he was alive but unfortunately brain-dead.

"Oh, God," cried his elderly wife, "We've never had a Liberal in the family before!"

If Arnold Schwarzenegger's tombstone doesn't say "I'll be back..."

Someone has made a grave mistake.

What do you call a can opener that doesn't work?

can't opener!

Why did the chicken cross the Möbius strip?

Because he wanted to get to the .... er ... ... never mind.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For this joke, I'll be using the word "bitch" but first, I want to make it cear that I would never disrespect a woman by calling her that. So no one needs to get offended, as I am simply, in fact, talking about a female dog, ok?

All right, so last night I was fuckin' this bitch and...

Three Dumb ER Stories You’re Allowed To Laugh At

Patient in to ER at 0400 with no complaints: ‘I have been having chest pain for 4 months but I am not having chest pain now. The reason I’m here now is because I heard that 4am is the best time to come cause there are not that many people.’ ”

“Had a woman call 911 because she ‘had déjà vu in ...

A man is in a car wreck and is rushed to the ER.

When he wakes up he tells the doctor: "I can't feel my legs!!!"

The doctor replies: "I know, I cut your arms off."

Where did Suzie go after she got lost in a minefield?



Everywhere.

A friend asked me what the Northernmost American state was. I said I didn’t know, but my wife does…

I’ll ask ‘er.

An Irish Man Walks Into A Bar...

...and stumbles to the bartender. “Barkeep, Oi’ll have a point”, he slurs.

The bartender looks him over critically. “A pint? Sorry sir, but I can’t serve you. You’re clearly too drunk.”

The Irish man scrunches his eyebrows, peers at the barkeep, turns around and trips out the front doo...

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"Dad, what does 'gays' mean?"

Me: You know how mum and dad love each
other? Well, two men can love each other the same
way.

Daughter: So what is 'penetrating gays'?

Me: Er.. read me the whole sentence.

Her: "She stared at him with a penetrating gaze."

Me: Oh.

What happens if a Danish blonde moves to Sweden?

The average intelligence of both countries goes up.

3 dinosaurs find a magic lamp in a river

A genie pops out and says “I will grant each one of you one wish!” The first dinosaur thinks and says “I wish for a huge piece of meat!”. The genie smiles and a big, juicy steak appears in front of him. Not to be outdone, the second dinosaur says “I wish for a shower of meats!!” The genie snaps his ...

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