No one is allowed to congregate for funerals; instead, people drive by the cemetery and honk their horns in respect. One man drives by blasting “Another One Bites The Dust”

The family wanted to be mad, but then another car drove by playing the same song, and another one does, and another one does, and another one drives a bus.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an audiofile that listens to his music at full blast?

A basshole

As soon as Don Cappelli and his thugs entered Mario’s restaurant

...all of the guests immediately stopped what they were doing and quietly left. Don Cappelli’s face was very well-known around the city, and while he was ‘saving’ business after business from going bankrupt and helping families at their time of need, nobody dared ask where his money came from, nor d...

Last night I played a blank cassette tape at full blast.

The mime next door went nuts.

What do you call a time-traveller's fart?

A blast from the past.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A New Yorker goes hunting in the Alps...

... he’s never hunted in his life, so he gets a local guide to show him.

The guide explains “Is very easy, up the mountain, Pierre will make the sound of an elk in heat, the elk will come out of his cave, you point the shotgun at it and shoot. Got it?”

“Yeah yeah, this’ll be easy” say...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Moe’s Saloon in the Old West was seeing a lot of customers lately...

It was getting busier and busier by the day, so much so that there was barely a seat left in the whole joint. The hotshots were playing poker, the 49-ers were drinking and cat-calling the dames. The piano was playing, the whiskey was flowing, everyone was having the time of their lives. Suddenly, th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl’s invited to his boyfriend’s family dinner. But she made a mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans.

When she is on her way, she feels the need to fart, but she figures she can wait until she gets to his house.

When she arrives, his parents are so happy to meet her. His parents immediately invite her to the dining table. Since dinner is almost ready, she feels bad to step out. She figures s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest and his friend are golfing.

The priest is ahead because his friend keeps missing easy putts. He watches in amusement as his friend misses another two-footer.

"Goddamnit! Missed! These just won't drop today," says the friend.

"Now, now, Jon," the priest said. "You shouldn't don't take the Lord's name in vain."
...

A man gets into a taxi at JFK

And asks the driver to head to the corner of 74th and Amsterdam.

The driver takes off at top speed, flying around cars. He approached a light just turning yellow and never lets off the gas.

The passenger asks the driver, "Wow, you didn't even blink at that yellow."

"Yeah, I ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer buys a young cock (another version)

He puts him out in the yard with the rest of the chickens and the old rooster he's supposed to replace. The older rooster starts to bargain with the younger one: "How 'bout we split the harem 50/50," he says. The younger rooster isn't having any of it.

"OK, then let's have a race around the h...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

The last batch of suicide bombers were very tight knit.

They used to sing together, dance together, laugh together. True brethren. At the end they had a blast doing their job.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The horse, the cow, and the chicken[LONG]

So a horse, a cow, and a chicken live on a farm. One day their owner goes on vacation but accidentally leaves the TV on. The animals peek in the window and witness a rock concert on the TV, theyre inspired.

So the horse calls up guitar center, and asks “hey I want to learn the guitar, but the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An ad man is overwhelmed with work...

An ad man is overwhelmed with work so he contracts our his easiest account, for Acme Nails, to his brother in law, who is a professional animator, to produce the ad.

Two days before it's due he still hasn't heard anything so he calls his BIL.

"Hey man, you must be done by now, right? I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A sailor walks into a bar

The barkeep asks, "How did you end up with that peg leg?"

And the pirate replies, "A cannon ball blasted out the deck and took me leg with it."

"Why do you have that hook?"

"Arrrgh! We was looting a ship and lost me hand in a sword fight."

"And the eye patch?"

"I l...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Fucking a time traveler.

*"A blast from the past!"*

What happens if you blast Soviet national anthem in a private school?

It becomes a public school.

I blasted the Soviet Union anthem in my private school

It's now a public school







Credit to a YouTube comment

A sobbing little boy sat near me.

"Little boy, why aren't you sitting next to your mom?" I asked.

He cried even harder.

Funerals are a blast!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two whales are swimming along in the ocean...

When one whale spots a fishing boat. So he says to the other whale "Hey, that is the boat that harpooned Frank, we should get back at them"

The other whale says "Oh yeah? What should we do?"

"I say we both go under their boat, and blow our blowholes as hard as we can, that will knock o...

In school we had a friend named Gustavo.

He was a blast to be with, but he had an odor. If I had to describe it, fun Gus had a musky scent.

Band most likely to be blasted out of the speakers at your local beehive?

Pollen Oates

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 horny nurses were tending to a dying patient...

But no matter what they did, and all they tried, he ended up dying.

"That's so sad!" said the first nurse.

"Poor man!" said the second.

"I cannot believe this!" said the third.

"WHY!?!?" said the fourth.

After the short while, the four horny nurses got even hornier...

A rich man buys a new Lamborghini.

It's the most expensive car in the world, and he wants to show it off, so he takes it out for a spin.

At the first stoplight, an ancient Moped pulls up next to him. The elderly cyclist stares at the sleek, shiny surface of the automobile and asks, "What kinda wheels ya got there, sonny?"
<...

Do you know how terrorists reassure others?

come on, this will be a total blast!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was this guy who was going on a date to the movies with a beautiful girl.

-Edit my dad told me this joke and I just got some of the parts I remembered but I’m pretty sure this is all it

Before he went, he made the mistake of eating a jumbo can of beans. Right after he picked her up, he felt the need to fart, but he figured he could wait until they got to the movies...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If you start having sex at 11:58 tonight, you might start off the new year with a blast

if you make it that long

(True story) one time my school was flooded with explosive gas. They canceled school for the next three days.

We had a blast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So this guys goes to the doctor because he is often delirious

The doctor says;

“Listen, take this syringe, go home, and inject some anti-bacterial dish soap RIGHT into your veins”

The guys says “Ok” then goes home and does exactly that.

The next day he returns and says “Doctor, i did what you said, and it made my penis shrivel into a lit...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A mom shark is teaching her son how to hunt swimmers properly.

"So, first you go and circle them making sure your fin is showing. And then you go at them full blast and eat them.”

“OK, but why don’t I just go at them full blast and eat them right away?”

“I guess you could, son, but would you really want to eat them with all that shit in their inte...

Best part about finger blasting a gypsie?

Get your palms red for free.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I’m planning on donating my organs when I die.

Microbiology students are going to have a fucking blast with my penis.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Pretty meta bro

Cake day posts are annoying and uncreative, so many people make anti cake day posts. These can be just as bad, and are only rarely funny if they are posted on the poster's cake day, (aka: anti cake day cake day posts). This possess a bit of a conundrum, as here in Reddit, we make fun of things, but ...

Tried a bidet for the first time today

It was a blast!

How big is a nuclear blast?

*YUGE*

I was really hesitant about going to Hiroshima for vacation

but it was a blast!

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers.

One day, Deadpool joined the Avengers. They traveled to a Hydra base surrounded by four barriers.

When they got to the first barrier, Hulk smashed it.

When they got to the second barrier, Tony Stark fired up his Iron Man suit and blasted a hole through it.

When they got to the t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I'm well pissed off with my neighbour today. Yesterday he kept playing the same Lionel Richie song over and over at full blast.

I wouldn't mind normally, but it was all night long.

Astronauts must be having a blast

Because now they can say:
"Houston YOU have a problem"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man gets hit by a bus, dies and goes to Hell..

Upon his arrival, he is greeted by Satan's secretary who begins to process his paperwork and give him the run down on what it's like for eternity.

Secretary: "Hell really isn't all that bad, buddy. We have themed daily activities to keep our residents occupied. Were you by any chance a drinke...

After a long career of being blasted into a net, the human cannonball was tired. He told the circus owner he was going to retire…

"But you can't!" protested the boss. "Where am I going to find another man of your calibre?"

What do you call it when the preacher farts during his sermon?

A blast from the pastor.

(Now don't make any Jimmy Swaggart/sermon-on-the-mount references, this is a family-friendly forum)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young man is in need of a job,

And he looks through the classifieds to see what's available. He finds an ad from a farmer in need of some extra hands, so the man calls up the farmer and agrees to meet the next day to see what work he'd be doing.

The farmer greets him at the gate and begins to show the young man around. Fir...

One rainy, windy night, a man was walking home alone, down a dark, deserted street that ran right by the local cemetery.

As he passed the gates, he heard a bump in the darkness behind him. Not daring to look back, he quickened his pace. But, the bumping noise continued behind him.He stopped and turned to see what it was. Coming down the road behind him was a coffin, standing on end, bumping from side to side -

...

An ant colony

I was gardening in my backyard. Then I saw an ant colony and blasted water at it. Guess you could call it the sunken city of ant-lantis.

The Pope is saddend that he never sees much of the countries he visits and decides it's time for a change

After a visit to Berlin, the Pope decides he wants to travel to Rome by car. Off course, he didn't bring a car and so the German government seizes the opportunity to impress him with German engineering. They lend him the most powerful car they have available, with a German driver/bodyguard. And off ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There’s this fly.....

There’s a fly hovering six inches above the surface of the water.
A fish below the fly says to himself “if that fly drops six inches, I can leap up and catch the fly for dinner.”
There’s a bear on the bank of the water.
The bear says “if that fly drops six inches, that fish is going to go...

Nasa was experimenting with different animals in space.

Monkeys were an obvious choice, but they had no patience. Mice chewed all the cables, dogs were too stupid and chickens were always scared. It seemed the only animal that could cope with the intense stress of space travel was a chilled out alley cat.

After a few months of testing and training...

You could say that...

World War 2 ended with a blast.

Did you hear about the bomb blast in Pakistan?

Apparently the terrorists were tired of the commute and wanted to work from home for a while

How do you know if you'll like sailing?

Put on a thick yellow raincoat, and stuff it with hundred dollar bills. Step into the shower, turn it on full blast and it's coldest temperature, and just start stuffing those bills down the drain. If you've managed to somehow enjoy yourself doing this, you might just be crazy enough to enjoy sailin...

What did the new recruit think of his assignment as a minesweeper?

It's a blast!

Some pallbearers are carrying a coffin at a funeral.

Suddenly they stumble and drop it. It slides down a hill, gains speed and shoots out of the cemetery toward the street. It goes down the road gaining more speed. It veers onto the highway. It goes several miles and gets off after three exits. It goes across town through three intersections and final...

Everyone knows the story of the three little pigs... here's another version:



The first little pig was playing in the forest, when the big bad wolf

spotted him and chased him back to his straw house. The pig hid inside,

peeking out at the wolf, who looked at the house, laughed, then huffed

and puffed and blew the house down. The pig, scared witles...

Did you hear there was another blast?

This time in a movie theatre. The movie playing was You, Me and Debris.

BREAKING NEWS: hole blasted into women's restroom

Officers are looking into it

I always wondered why Pikachu's electric shock blasts off team rocket but not Ash.

I guess Ash is just better grounded.

An 85 year old couple is going on holiday, when they suddenly die in a plane crash...

They had been married for 60 years, and kept in good health due to their healthy diet and regular exercise.

When they reached heaven, St. Peter took them to their mansion, decked out with a fully stocked kitchen, master bath suite, and their very own jacuzzi. As his wife 'oohed' and 'aahed' a...

Irony will be the death of me.

What my mate said just before he fell into a blast furnace.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Diary of an Englishman after he moves to South Africa....

**August 1**: Just got transferred with work from London, UK to our new home in Phalaborwa, Limpopo, South Africa. Now this is a town that knows how to live! Beautiful, sunny days and warm, balmy evenings. I watched the sunset from a deckchair by our pool yesterday. It was beautiful. I’ve finally fo...

A pious priest is taking a tour of the Glen Canyon Dam...

A pious priest is taking a tour of the Glen Canyon Dam when, suddenly, a hole blasts out of the side of the dam and water starts to pour out.

The priest knows that if the reservoir is emptied, the people downstream will be flooded and have to leave their homes.

He turns his attention t...

Winds of 108mph, structural damage, flying debris, massive depression, icy blasts, communication difficulties, untold misery and suffering...

Yes, I forgot our anniversary again.

Genesis does what Nintendon't

16-bit graphics.

blast processing.

...

...

...

Going outta business

Do you know the story of the boy named Bonnie?

There once was a boy named Bonnie who was constantly harassed for his goofy name. He thought he was doomed to never find love because of it, but one day, he met a beautiful girl who didn't care, and they fell in love, got married, and had a child, a beautiful baby girl. But Bonnie was worried. "What...

Attending Jihadi terrorist school

has really been a blast.

Four politicians die in a car accident and they find themselves standing in front of St Peter who says he will give them the tour of heaven and hell and they can decide where they want to stay for all eternity...

Heaven is all people with halo's playing harps on clouds, singing, praying and generally praising God.

Then, a demon appears and takes them down to have a look at hell.

In hell, they meet all their old friends playing golf! They play a round, walk up to the 19th for champagne, fine win...

I'm trying to convince my cousin not to bring a bomb to school.

He thinks it'd be a real blast.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Native American walks into a saloon with a shotgun in one hand and a bucket of manure in the other.

The Native American says to the bartender, "Me want beer!"

The bartender says, "Sure, Chief, coming right up." He then serves the Native American a tall glass of beer. The Native American drinks it down in one gulp, picks up the bucket, throws the manure into the air, and blasts it with the s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So, I got married once..

To a solid 7/10. She wanted kids right away. Gets her wish, so fast forward 9 months, baby is on the way. I am in the waiting room because I couldn't handle it. I see my child for the first time. Told her she could name the baby anything she wanted and she tells the doctor that her name is 'Love'. W...

Italian Police are told to give tickets to anyone, no matter how important

One morning, the Pope comes out of the Vatican and decides he wants to go for a drive. The Pope calls for a limousine, but when it arrives he tells the driver to get in the back, he’s going for a ride.

As he blasts down the road in his limousine he speeds past two motorcycle officers. One of ...

A hunter goes into the woods to hunt a bear.

He carries his trusty 22-gauge rifle with him. After a while, he spots a very large bear, takes aim, and fires. When the smoke clears, the bear is gone. A moment later, the bear taps the hunter on the shoulder and says, “No one shoots at me and gets away with it. You have two choices: I can rip your...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This guy was driving a really top-notch Ferrari on the highway

Speeding as much as he could, there he went, happy with his life. Until an old woman in a beat up Wolkswagen just overtook him, going way faster than he was. The guy in the Ferrari puts the pedal to the metal, but only catches up to the woman in a service station miles ahead.

He comes out of ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Purple Vein

Disclaimer skipping to the end will ruin the joke, but it is best said in person to a group of people. Enjoy!


One morning a young boy was walking to class when three older girls approached the boy and said well aren't you just a "purple vein". The boy asked but the girls giggled as they...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A US senator died and went to heaven.

When he gets to heaven Saint Peter is waiting for him at the pearly gates.
Peter says: "Oh a Senator huh? Well we have a special deal for you! Since you spent your life trying to reach across the aisle to both parties we give you 24 hours in both heaven and hell and at the end of 48 hours you g...

You know why the ISIS terrorist was happy when he was captured?

He thought waterboarding would be a blast!

A golfer stood over his tee shot for what seemed an eternity

Looking up, looking down, measuring the distance,
figuring the wind direction and speed.
Driving his partner nuts.
Finally his exasperated partner says,
"What's taking so long?
Hit the blasted ball!"
The guy answers, "My wife is up there watching me
from the clubhouse. ...

Sonic

I’ve been experimenting with ways to pollinate my greenhouse tomatoes. The best method so far is vibrating blossoms with an electric toothbrush.

My buddy suggested blasting heavy bass to pollinate all of them at once.

He pointed out I would have a soundgarden.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman all die and end up at the Pearly Gates...

St. Peter welcomes them all in.

He says, as per standard Heaven protocol, for your first 100 years you get one of anything you like, unlimited, with no consequences.

The Englishman says "Well I really like sex, can I have 200 horny 18 year old stunners to play around with?". St.Peter...

At Heathrow airport in England...

...a 300-foot red carpet was stretched out and President Putin strode to a warm but dignified hand shake from Queen Elizabeth.

They rode in a silver 1934 Bentley to the edge
of Central London where they boarded an open 17th century coach hitched to six magnificent white horses.

As ...

A magician is working on a cruise ship...(long)

A magician is working on a cruise ship where he performs every night right after a circus act. As he amazes the audience, the animals sit on the side of the stage and watch. After months of the same show, a parrot gets bored and decides to have some fun.

At the end of each trick the parrot r...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I visited Japan during WW2

I had a blast...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

One day, a red fruit loop looked at himself in the mirror and said, "I need to become an orange fruit loop."

It was a daunting task. But after working out for two hours a day, with five-gram weights, and getting a degree in economics, *wa-zaam!* he was an orange fruit loop. But he was still hungry.

Again Looking at himself in the mirror, he said, "I need to become a yellow fruit loop." It was a d...

Which president had the most fun during their tenure?

Truman. He had a blast on a few occasions.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife asked me to clean the toilet bowl

So i drank a 6 pack of tall boys in a half an hour. Sure as shit, 20 minutes later i powerwashed that bowl on full blast.

An old woman has done everything she ever wanted in life...

So she decides to commit suicide. She acquired a gun and, unsure of how best to do the deed, she calls her doctor.
“Doctor” she asks, “where exactly would I find my heart?”
“In the left side of your chest, just below the nipple.” The Doctor replies.
She hangs up before the doctor can ask ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A beaver swims in the river and notices a cow smoking on the shore.

"Hey, cow! Whatcha doin?"

"Nothing... Just chillin..."

"And what's this funky smelling cigarette?"

"Oh! That's pot. It makes you chill. Wanna try?"

The beaver took a puff and started coughing immediately.

"Dude! You need to hold it! Inhale... Waaaait... Exhale"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two good friends, a doctor and a priest, are out golfing one fine day.

They step up to tee off at the first hole. The priest drives a beautiful shot down the fairway. The doctor steps up next and fires off a worm-burner straight into the rough.

The doctor grumbles loudly, "Fuck, I missed."

The priest reproves him, "Please, Ted, don't swear in fron...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

He Has No Class

Donald Trump lands aboard Air Force One at Heathrow, and deplanes to a long red carpet. He walks to where Queen Elizabeth II is waiting to welcome him with much pomp and circumstance.

They are ushered into a new silver Rolls Royce, then chauffeured to Buckingham Palace.

After tea, ...

In a far away place... In a small rural town...

There was a boy named john. John didn’t have many friends growing up as he preferred to keep to himself. Johns family were farmers through and through, his favourite thing to do was to drive their tractor around and around the farm, john always adored tractors, the big back wheels and the small fron...

John asks Crystal to prom

Crystal says she would love to go to prom with him. So John starts to get everything.

The first thing he wants to get is a tuxedo. He goes to the local shop and notices the line to get one is extremely long. But, being the kind and loyal man he is he waits and gets his tuxedo

John also...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Holy Shit!

The neighbors had been complaining that my dogs had been barking non-stop. I hate the electric zapping bark collars so I purchased a humane citronella collar. When a dog barks, it shoots a blast of citronella under their nose and apparently they don't like it.

This evening I was getting the c...

Whose going to know?

There was a pastor at a local church who loved to golf, he would try to golf as much as possible whenever he could. He would always watch out for the weather to check if there were any days for golfing.

Now, it so happened that one of the days was the coming Sunday. So, the pastor called in s...

So There's This German Driving Game...

...with all these servers for multiplayer. One server has this automatic cheat-detection system that bans players if it thinks they're hacking at all.

Well unfortunately, there's this one stretch of one particular freeway where the road is so bad it blasts drivers off into the sky. The cheat ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man moves out to the countryside.

A man moves out to the countryside from the big city.

While he is moving in a neighbor up the street stops by and introduces himself.

The two men chat it up for a few minutes and then the neighbor leaves.

These interactions happen several times over the next few weeks until o...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Found an old video I used to watch on pornhub

It was a blast from the past

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My midlife crisis started today...

I met the greatest girl at work, and she was into me, too. When we got off of work I took her to the park, we got carryout and went back to my place, and we were having a blast watching Netflix together.

When it finally came time for her to go she just lay there on my bed, obviously wanting...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.