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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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An old woman took her husband to the doctor. The doctor checked the husband's pulse, then told the woman, "I'm sorry, your husband is dead."

The woman was shocked. "I don't believe it. Are you sure? I want to be absolutely sure, are there any other tests you can do?"

The doctor responded, "I'm quite sure, but if you'd like we do have some alternative tests that we can perform."

"YES! I have to be absolutely certain."
...

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Cockroaches are found to be capable in surviving a nuclear holocaust, but if you swat it with a newspaper it would die instantly

This shows how toxic the media is

American SWAT teams are like a box of chocolates.

They’ll both kill your dog.

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A man goes bear hunting in the woods

He finds a rather large bear and it spots him. He tries to shoot it but misses. The bear swats the gun out of his hands and trows him to the ground. Then rips his pants off and fucks him in the ass.

A few days later the now very sore hunter come back with a much larger rifle and attempts to s...

Had to call the SWAT team for backup today...

... There was a fly in my car.

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A farmer got pulled over by a state trooper for speeding...

...and the trooper started to lecture the farmer about his speed, and in general began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the trooper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his h...

A guy in my glass has a habit of breaking my glasses

His name is Dwayne, and I hate him. I have really bad eyesight, so without my glasses it’s basically impossible for me to see anything, and it was negatively affecting my grades.

Dwayne broke my first pair when I left them on my desk and he “accidentally” sat on them.

He broke my secon...

A tractor salesman shows up at Joe's farm...

The salesman approaches the farmer and says, "Good day to you sir! I'd like to tell you about our top-of-the-line tractor. You will not find a better tractor than this anywhere and I can see that you are a man of discerning tastes. Tell you what -- "

Old Joe interrupts the sales pitch and wit...

A man awakens in the middle of the night to find that his house was being robbed.

He calls up the local police to ask for someone to help stop them.

"Help, my house is being robbed!" He says to the dispatcher.

"We're sorry, but there are no cars available to help you right now. Please lock yourself in your room and we will send an officer by in the morning to take a...

The FBI, CIA, and Los Angeles Police get into a bragging war about their tracking skills.

To settle the matter they agree to a contest between their best units. Whoever can track down an elusive white rabbit in a ten thousand acre forest wins the contest.

The FBI organizes a vastly complex operation with dogs, forestry experts, sharpshooters, the works.

The CIA takes sate...

What’s every SWAT team leader’s favourite chess move?

C4

You know how cats always swat at each other for seemingly no reason? Turns out it's in their DNA.

I'm sure somewhere in their genome it reads CAT TAG

Let’s not forget the main victims of swatting

Houseflies

What do you call a SWAT team with Snoop Dogg?

A Blunt force

How did the chief of police solve his fly infestation problem?

He called the SWAT team

What does the president do when he finds a fly in his office?

He calls in the SWAT team!

There is a new book required for Swat Teams to read

Its called "How to quickly open doors" by Bree Ching

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Family brain storming of dad jokes, feedback wanted.... why didn't the fly like the police?

Because of the SWAT.

#2 What did the therapist mug say to the cup?

You need to get a handle on that.

Spanglish joke

A lady in a tight skirt is at the front of a line of people trying to get on a bus. She starts to climb the stairs but stops, apparently unable to lift her feet high enough due to the restrictive skirt.

A man behind her attempts to pick her up, and she swats his arms away, saying "ya lo pues"...

I was in the kitchen with a fly swatter...

... when my wife walked in.

"What are you doing?"

"Swatting flies."

"Get any?"

"Three males, 2 females."

"How can you tell the males from the females?"

"Three on a beer can. Two on the phone."

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder

A guy is sentenced to 10 years in prison for murder.

Prior to his incarceration, he worked on a farm helping his father dig and prepare the land for plants.

His father wrote to him:” Oh, how I miss when you were here to help me prepare the fields. Now I must do everything alone.”
...

A joke I heard while visiting an Amish community

A farmer gets pulled over by a police man, and as the cop writes the ticket, he is swatting at flies that are swarming him. When he goes to hand the ticket to the farmer, the farmer asks “Having some trouble with ground flies ?”

The officer responds “Yes, but why do you call them ground flies...

You're police with Special weapons and tactics Harry

I'm a SWAT?

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Franz was reading his book on death row...

It was the ‘storm of the century’. On death row, Franz was reading his religious texts, looking for God, even as the inmates of the neighbouring cells were having an explosive argument about who should get to shower first. ’14 days to execution’, Franz thought, as he physically and mentally trembled...

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One morning two brothers, 4 and 6, decide they are old enough to start cursing...

The younger asks his brother, "What should we say?"

"You say ass, and I'll say hell," replies the elder of the two.

Walking down stairs their mother asks them what they would like for breakfast.

"Oh hell," replies the elder, "I'll have some Cheerios."

Their mother loses ...

A man is pulled over by police for speeding

Police 1: do you know how fast you are going?

Man: no, but I do know I am escaping a bank heist.

Police 1: Really?

Man: yes, I robbed the bank and the loot is in my car's trunk

Police 1: is that everything?

Man: no sir, I have a dead body in my backseat and a gun i...

A Terminator walks into a bar...

He notices a fly and swats it, killing it immediately.

The bartender goes "I thought you only killed people."

The Terminator replies, "Negative. I am an Ex-Terminator."

An old man is at home on his deathbed...

The doctors have given him only a couple of days to live and he no longer has even the strength to stand on his own. He lays in bed, thinking back on his life - his children, his parents, and his beautiful wife of 55 years. As he lays there, remembering the good times, he begins to feel himself drif...

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God and Jesus were hashing out the final details of his life on earth.

"The only thing remaining is to decide upon your mode of death," said God. "Which do you prefer, crucifixion or killer bees?"

Jesus thought about it for a few minutes and said, "I think I will go with crucifixion."

And that's why Catholics around the world make the sign of the cross in...

Go away bee, don't bother me.

A wise man once told me, if a bee is bothering you, don't swat or run away, just stand still and look right at it, because seeing is believing.

An amputee woman was having a drink in a bar...

...when a man comes up and asks about her missing leg.

"Oh, it's really quite an amazing story," she said. "I used to love surfing! I rode waves all day and all night, rain or shine. One morning, after just an hour or so of surfing, a great white shark came and knocked me right off the bo...

I won’t be posting any jokes over the next few days. I've got to revise for a practical exam in pest control.

I'll probably be up all night swatting.

The Zoo Joke

A man had an uncle who happened to own a zoo. One day, the uncle unfortunately passes away. When the man speaks to his uncle's lawyer, the lawyer offers to give him the zoo. The man willingly agrees. The zoo has an aquarium, a lion cage and a bird cage but it is in horrible condition. The man pays t...

What's the differnce between donuts and dead kids?

A swat team doesn't break down my door over donuts.

[1st day as a cop] Captain: "why did you call for back up? " Me: "There was a fly in my car!"

Swat team leader: "what exactly do you think we do!?"

The story of Tym

There once was a guy named Tym (Tim spelled T.Y.M.)



Anyways, in a casual conversation with his boss, Tym says,

"I will bet you $100 that I personally know anyone in the world, anyone you can name"

The boss, obviously did not believe this and replies with Lebron James....

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There was a farmer who had two sons

tldr :

His wife died as soon as she gave birth to the second son. Because of this, the farmer always blamed his second son for his mother's death. But he did not fail in his responsibilities as a father. The farmer was poor but he worked really hard to get his two sons in grad school. They ...

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Little Johnny is in class giving a test.

He gets done with it way before everyone else, and now gets to sit in silence while everyone else gets done with theirs. Having nothing else to do, he idly begins doodling on the corner of his paper to kill time, and when the time's up, he hands his paper in with everyone else.

Later during t...

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One day, legendary fencing master Maximilian Lee is looking for a new challenger

After decades dedicating himself to his art, he finds there is no one worthy of fighting anymore. He travels to the farest corners of the world looking to reinvigorate his love of the blade.

He travels to France and challenges their most skilled and famous fighter, but to his disappointment,...

Jacques and Pierre were bitter enemies

So one day, Jacques challenged Pierre to a duel. Swords were chosen. They faced off and drew their weapons. Jacques struck first, thrusting his sword toward Pierre, but Pierre daftly swatted his sword to the side and returned a thrust, piercing Jacques in the shoulder. They circled each other a few ...

A swindler Passes by a bird in the stairwell of an appartment building

The swindler was headed upstairs to visit his friend, the forger. The bird he passed along the way was the forger's homing vulture, which was en route to the forger's publisher to make a delivery. Unfortunately, the poor bird had to fly down the stairwell to ground level and out the open terrace sin...

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An old woman gets pulled over for speeding..

The cop says, do you know why I pulled you over? You were speeding! She replies.. oh thank god! I thought it was for the drugs, guns and dead bodies in my trunk... oops. The cop, surprised, immediately calls for backup and dogs and swat.. the whole 9 yards. After about an hour of searching and discu...

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These Goddamn Flies (NSFW)

There's a little boy standing outside of a church swatting at some flies. The priest looks outside to see what the boy is doing when he see's the boy swat at the flies again and say "These goddamn flies!" So the priest walks outside to talk to the boy. He says, "You know son, God put everything on t...

I have my own blood on my hands and I am satisfied with it...

Finally swatted that mosquito.

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An American tourist had visited all the usual sights

An American tourist had visited all the usual sights. He'd seen the Sydney Harbour and everything else but he wanted to see the real Australia. So there he was on the weekly rail motor out to Thargomindah. There wasn't much to see. There was a drought, it was hot and the wind was blowing dust ever...

What do you you call a group of people running around with fly swatters?

SWAT team.

A man is pulled over by a rookie cop...

When the cop approaches the window, the man produces his papers then says “I’m sure you’re going to ask about the body in the trunk since you obviously smell the weed.” The cop nearly fell back, but before he could utter a word, the man said “just be careful, the knife is under my seat.” The rookie...

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Two Mexicans riding a bicycle

Two Mexicans are riding a bicycle on a road about 15 miles outside of Lafayette , LA. One of the bike's tires goes flat and they start hitching a lift back into town. A friendly trucker stops to see if he can help and the Mexicans ask him for a ride. He tells them they can ride in the trailer if th...

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So a woman wakes up one night to the sound of breaking glass.

She looks out the window and is shocked to see three men breaking into her garage. Quietly, she calls 911.

"911, what's your emergency?"

"Some men are breaking into my shed."

"Alright, sit tight. No officers are available now, but we'll send someone as soon as we can" the opera...

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A businessman returns home early from his business trip...

...and calls out to his wife. Hearing no answer, the businessman thinks that she must be out, and decides to go to his room to unpack and wait for her. However, when he reaches his room and opens his wardrobe, he discovers his wife inside, barely clothed. Suddenly, a naked man bursts out from behind...

Why can't house flies stream on twitch?

Because they would immediately get swatted.

Barack Obama and Vladimir Putin went fishing...

After a couple of hours, Obama was flinging his arms around, swatting mosquitos away, while Putin sat there, watching the pond, unbothered.

"How is it, that these bloodsuckers only target my blood reserves?" Asked Obama. "They don't bite you at all!"

Putin smiled knowingly and replied:...

Annoying Youtubers are like flies

They bother you for too long, you SWAT them.

Who you gonna call when attacked by a swarm of mosquitoes?

The Swat Team

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Little Johnny's Opinion of Mosquitoes...

Little Johnny is standing on a street corner swatting mosquitoes.
Every time he sees a mosquito he utters, "fucking mosquitoes, fucking mosquitoes."
Just as the boy says it, a shocked priest walks up and says, "You should not curse the mosquitoes because every one of God's creations has a purp...

Why will the internet never replace newspapers?

You can't swat a fly with the internet.

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Why don't black people get 'Knock Knock' jokes?

Because SWAT teams don't knock.

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed

George Phillips, an elderly man from Walled Lake, Michigan, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in  the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window.

George opened the back door to go turnoff the light, but saw that there were people in the shed...

My grandpa Lloyd was 5'5", and his brother Chris was 6'3". When they were growing up...

...and it became clear that they were going to have a significant difference in their heights, Lloyd asked Chris if he was doing anything special to become so tall.

Chris leaned in close and quietly said, "It sounds silly, but every night before I go to bed, I sneak into the pantry, take a ha...

A man was speeding down the road...

A man was speeding down the road when a cop pulled him over. The cop says, "son, do you know why I pulled you over?"

The man responds, "well, gee, officer. I don't know. Is it the dead body in my trunk?"

The officer is shocked. "There's a dead body in your trunk?" The officer runs bac...

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There is a moral to this story

So there was once this fly flying around above the great lakes with no real destination, There was also this salmon stuck forever doomed to a fresh water lake, but it was one of the great lakes so it could have been worse. The salmon had noticed the fly flying around above the lake and thought to i...

Dog Knows Baseball Trivia

Man brings his dog to trivia night at the local bar....

"How can your dog possibly compete if he can't talk?"

"Oh, he can talk, watch this: Duke, which player was the first to hit 60 home runs in a season?"

ROOPH....ROOPH!

"C'mon man, he didn't say Ruth, he just barked."...

Difference between a newspaper and a TV.....

Have you ever tried swatting a fly with a television?

A child brings his hamster to the vet...

and the vet says 'i'm sorry, your hamster died'. the child started crying and the mother asked if he was sure and if there was anything he could do.
The vet went to the back brought out a black lab, which proceeded to bark at the hamster with no response.
still not convinced, they requested...

The fishing trip

A grandfather and grandson are away on a fishing trip. They get up early in the morning and go out in the boat. They manage to catch a few nice sized bass before going in for breakfast.

While eating breakfast the boy turns to his grandfather and says, "Grandpa, these plates are kind of dirty....

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