Why can’t T-rexes clap?

Cause they’re extinct

What do you call Bill Clinton's VP programmatically tapping his foot and clapping his hands?

Algorithm

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The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

This girl have me the Clap so bad..

...my doctor called it an applause.

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

Why can’t dinosaurs clap?

Because they're all dead.

My parents bought that light that turns on or off when you clap

They must be so happy about it that they can't stop turning it on and off in the night.

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

Why can’t a T-Rex clap?

Dinosaurs went extinct many years ago.

Most people think that t-rexes can’t clap because they have short arms

Actually it’s because they are dead

Some think T. rex’s never clap because their arms are so short.

I think it’s because they’re extinct.

Now clap....

So this joke comes from my once was uncle...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

She asks him to come to her flat.

They begin to engage in coitus.

She asks him to finger her.

He does.

She tells him "harder... faster.... more"

So he puts a third finger in....

Ocean full of beer

Two men are adrift in a lifeboat for days. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, one of the men stumbles across an old lamp. When he touches it, a genie comes forth. This particular genie, however, states that she can deliver only one wish, not the standard three. Without giving much though...

If you're procrastinating and you know it, clap your hands!!!

I'll clap later...

Want to clap some alien cheeks?

The Border Patrol is hiring.

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

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Once at a gig, Bono stopped everything and asked the crowd for complete silence. He started slowly clapping his hands and he said “every time I clap my hands, a starving child in Africa dies....”

....and then one man in the crowd shouted “well then stop clapping your hands then you cunt!”

What do you call a disabled girl with gonorrhoea?

Handi-Clapped....

I don’t know if it’s an actual joke or I have created a masterpiece but here we are boys.

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Fap, fap, fap

What has two hands but can never clap?

A T-Rex


-courtesy of my boss

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Four nuns are killed in a car accident and find themselves outside the gates of heaven.

God greets them at the gates and informs them that as they have devoted their life to his service, they get an automatic pass into heaven.

He does require however, for them to confess if they have ever touched a man on the penis before they enter.

All of the nuns start giggling. God a...

With Zeus being quite the prolific fornicator, it was only natural he ended up getting an STI

Poor guy got the Thunder Clap

I’ve had the clap so many times now...

It’s more like a round of applause.

A miner rests his bones after a very long shift.

"I don't think I can keep doing this for much longer," he tells his buddy at the bar.

"You just need a little pep in your step," his friend says, handing him a prescription bottle. "Take one of these twice a day and then see how you're feeling tomorrow."

Hesitantly, but without much t...

A boy asks his mom what is dark humor

Mom: Son , do you see the guy with no hands standing there ? Go and ask him to clap .

Son: But mom , I'm blind !

Mom: son , this is dark humor.

Yo mamma so fat

Thanos had to clap

You let a sloth give you gonnorhea?!

*slow clap*

What STD do Ross, Rachel, Chandler, Joey, Phoebe, and Monica all share?

The *clap clap clap clap clap.*

I was in an airport

A woman was taking my temperature because of the coronavirus

I was 1.8 meters and she was 1.5 meters, so I got down in knee just for her to take my temperature , and everyone started clapping


They thought that I was proposing

My friend asked me to explain dark humor to them

I pointed at a guy sitting on a park bench and said "See that guy with no hands on the bench? Tell him to clap".

They replied "Austin, you know I'm blind", to which I replied "Exactly"

Why is it that when other people wear their uniforms in the airport people clap?

But when I wear my uniform people shout things like

"It's an escaped convict! Run!"

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Joe wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it.

The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years. "Well, it's quite simple, really," says the seller, "whenever the bike is outside and i...

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

Blondes are tired of people making fun of them.

Blondes across the world set up a convention to prove to everyone that they aren’t dumb. Thousands show up.

The main event begins. The announcer on stage goes, “We are tired of people thinking we’re dumb, so we’re here to prove everyone wrong!”

He points to a random blonde woman in the...

Italian Wedding Test!

I was a very happy man.

My wonderful Italian girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married.

There was only one little thing bothering me....It was her beautiful younger sister.

My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight m...

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U2 are holding a concert in Scotland.

Halfway through the show, as the other band members take a break, Bono takes to the stage and begins clapping his hands. A steady, rythmic clap. He leans into the microphone and addresses the crowd:

"Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies".

From somewhere in the crowd, a v...

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Bono, whilst playing a gig in Glasgow, got the whole crowd to be silent and then began slowly clapping his hands

He got the crowd to clap along for a while, the stadium quiet except for the rhythmic clapping.

After a short period Bono spoke, saying that every time he clapped his hands a child in Africa died.

Suddenly, from the front row of the venue a voice broke out in thick Scottish brogue, end...

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New HR policy

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduced budget, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.


Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase...

I've had the clap at least 12 times

At this point it should really be called the applause

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I was at the bar the other day and I saw the most beautiful women ever .

I’m on reddit so as you can tell I’m a virgin and nervous as hell to even approach her
. I just sit across the bar and give a couple glances here and there .

Then I see someone put something in her drink and I’m stunned , I Had to do a double take . But I notice they have the most beaut...

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Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?"

80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.

"Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"

"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.

"Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" ...

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