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Clap Jokes

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.
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Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.
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At a U2 concert, Bono started clapping his hands slowly.

At a U2 concert, Bono started clapping his hands slowly, about once every two seconds. The audience started to join in.
And Bono says:

"Every time

Clap*

I clap my hands

Clap*

A child in Africa

Clap*

Dies of hunger"

A guy in the front row ...
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

I recently bought clap-on lights.

Ever since then, my wife's room keeps flickering on and off.
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A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...
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Why can’t groups of Tyrannosauruses clap together..?

They have no rhythm
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

Who claps for Christmas?

Santapplause.
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What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Same sound as a G.I. Jane joke apparently
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Can someone please clap?

That way I'm not the only one touching themselves tonight
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Now clap....

So this joke comes from my once was uncle...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

She asks him to come to her flat.

They begin to engage in coitus.

She asks him to finger her.

He does.

She tells him "harder... faster.... more"

So he puts a third finger in....
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

At a U2 concert in Belfast,Ireland

Bono asked the audience for total silence.

Then in the silence he started to clap his hands. Once every few seconds.

Keeping the audience in silence he said into the microphone, “every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies.”

From the front of the crowd a broad Irish acc...

Clap on and off lights are okay,

unless they’re in a bedroom.
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Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.
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A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."

The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If two people with clap have sex,

Is it considered a round of applause?

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...
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Everyone clapped when the boy was rescued from the well.

But I'm waiting to see if he found my phone.
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What has two hands but can never clap?

A T-Rex


-courtesy of my boss
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This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dinner etiquette

Chad wanted to buy a motorbike. He doesn't have much luck until, one day, he comes across a Harley with a "for sale" sign on it. The bike seems even better than a new one, although it is 10 years old. It is shiny and in absolute mint condition. He immediately buys it, and asks the seller how he kep...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...
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