UPJOKE
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Bono started clapping slowly between songs during a U2 concert. "Every time I clap my hands a child in Africa dies from starvation", he told the audience

Some guy at the front shouted, "Well stop fucking doing it then!"




^actually ^a ^true ^story

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

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George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.

A circus performer is late to his next gig

Driving as fast as he can, he is soon pulled over by the police. The cop asks for his license, registration, and proof of insurance, and then asks him where he was going so fast.

"Well, officer, I'm a circus performer, and I'm headed to Springfield to do my juggling act, and I'm late."
...

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Hole-y Golf

Jesus, Moses and an old man are playing golf one day.

The hole is a par 3 with a huge lake in front of the tee.

Jesus steps up, takes his swing, BOOM, the ball flies up and lands on the edge of the opposite side of the lake.

Jesus walks across the water, hits his ball to land ...

A boy asked his mom "Mom, What is dark humor?"

The mom said to the boy "See that man with no hands? Tell him to clap."

The boy then said to his mom "But mom, you know I'm blind!"

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Same sound as a G.I. Jane joke apparently

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Szechuan STD

Guy goes to the doctor and says "Doc, I've been having a bit of trouble urinating and it's getting sore, more sore every day."

Doctor told him to undress and lie on the bench. So he did, and the doctor came back, examined him and shook his head. "You been to China recently?"

"Well, y...

Who claps for Christmas?

Santapplause.

Why can’t the T-Rex clap his hands?

He’s extinct.

A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator and loudly announces, “I’ll place my genitals inside this alligator’s mouth…

…the gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed,” he says.

Now, he has the full attention of the bar!

Here’s the deal, he continues, “If this works, everyone buys me drinks.” There is a murmur among the patrons, and after a moment, they a...

Everyone clapped when the boy was rescued from the well.

But I'm waiting to see if he found my phone.

11 People on a rope

11 people were hanging on a rope, under a helicopter.

10 men and 1 woman

The rope was not strong enough to carry them all, so they decided that one had to leave.

Because otherwise they were all going to fall.

They weren't able to choose that person, until the woman gave a...

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

A musician is hired to perform at a home for the elderly

When he arrives, there is a comedian already on the stage. The comedian says "Number seventeen!" And the crowd chuckles. Then he says "Number thirty-one!" The crowd laughs. Then he says "Number fourty-four!" And the crowd roars and claps.

The musician is naturally confused, so he asks t...

Impressive

I was at a hotel in Vegas and called the front desk to send up their cheapest female companion. When we got down to business she said "want to see something impressive?" I said sure, so she tells me to stick a finger in. And I do, then 3, I follow. Now she says stick the whole hand in. I'm like wow ...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

Clap on and off lights are okay,

unless they’re in a bedroom.

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

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(sorry if this is a repost) what is the sound of one hand clapping? Masturbating

Sorry if theres a issue with this joke it is my first post on this subreddit

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If two people with clap have sex,

Is it considered a round of applause?

Baby mosquito came back after 1st time flying

His mom asked him "How do you feel?

He replied: It was wonderful,Everyone was clapping for me!

Joke for economics nerds

A physicist and an economist are invited to a classroom to make a presentation to get the children interested in their field of study. The physicist goes first.

He produces a ball and announces, “I will time this ball falling to the ground and, without looking at the stopwatch, tell you how l...

Can someone please clap?

That way I'm not the only one touching themselves tonight

A Zen novice called for an electrician.

Upon arrival at the monk's apartment, the electrician asked how he could be of assistance.

"I'm having trouble with this brand-new lamp that I just bought," the novice said. "I've tested the outlet, I've flipped every switch, and I still can't get it to work."

The electrician examined ...

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.


Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

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Bono and u2 were performing at a gig in scotland

And as you all will know, bono is a cause celebre for all sorts of charity aid, world peace, ending hunger, heal the world etc that sort of thing. He jets around the world having concerts and all that for the benefit of others and frequently raises this at his concerts.

He begins this concert...

Dark humor

A kid asks his mom, “Mommy what is dark humor?”

Mom replies: “You see that beggar over there with no arms? Ask him to clap”

Kid: “But….. Mom you know that I’m blind!!!”

Mom: “Exactly…..”

This girl have me the Clap so bad..

...my doctor called it an applause.

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

Most people think that t-rexes can’t clap because they have short arms

Actually it’s because they are dead

What has two hands but can never clap?

A T-Rex


-courtesy of my boss

If you're procrastinating and you know it, clap your hands!!!

I'll clap later...

Lottery

Guy is sitting alone in his house watching tv and envious of the latest person who just won the lottery.

" God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another few weeks goes by and again someone else wins the lottery.

"God, I wish I could win the lottery"

Another month goes by a...

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people can appreciate public displays of affection.

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