The 34+ Best Clap Jokes

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

George raises his beer mug in the air and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life having sex with my wife!" The bar is filled with whistles and claps, and the bartender even gives him a ribbon that says, "Best Toast of the Month".

When George gets home, he shows his wife, Linda, the ribbon. "And what exactly was your award-winning toast?" she asks.

George thinks for a while and says, "Here's to spending the rest of my life going to church with my wife."

The next day when George is at work, Linda is walking down ...

Why can't dinosaurs clap their hands?

Cause they're dead.

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I love that clapping sound during sex.

It's nice when people appreciate public displays of affection.

Why can’t T-Rex clap their hands?

Because they’re extinct.

At a U2 concert, Bono started clapping his hands slowly.

At a U2 concert, Bono started clapping his hands slowly, about once every two seconds. The audience started to join in.
And Bono says:

"Every time

Clap*

I clap my hands

Clap*

A child in Africa

Clap*

Dies of hunger"

A guy in the front row ...

I recently bought clap-on lights.

Ever since then, my wife's room keeps flickering on and off.

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A soldier who has recently been promoted to corporal is taken to a bar by his sergeant.

The sergeant orders ten shots of tequila. The corporal is about to order the same, when the sergeant says, "Are you sure about that?"

"Of course I'm sure!" replies the corporal. "I am no longer a private. I am a corporal now!" So the sergeant lets him order ten shots of tequila.

Afterw...

Why didn’t Beethoven clap upon the ratification of new legislature ensuring protection for deaf individuals?

You don’t applaud at the end of a movement.

Why can’t groups of Tyrannosauruses clap together..?

They have no rhythm

What is the sound of one hand clapping?

Same sound as a G.I. Jane joke apparently

Who claps for Christmas?

Santapplause.

Everyone clapped when the boy was rescued from the well.

But I'm waiting to see if he found my phone.

A contestant made a meringue on Australian Masterchef and the crowd started clapping and cheering.

The host said, "This is very unusual for an Australian audience. They normally Boo meringues!!"

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I asked a mute girl if she'd have sex with me. Told her to clap once for "YES" and twice for "NO"

She said "YES" "YES"

Clap on and off lights are okay,

unless they’re in a bedroom.

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A man invites some of his fetish club over for breakfast....

They are catching up on life and swapping stories about work, their grandkids’ birthdays, their recent stock market fortunes, and so on, when the subject of what they’re most proud of comes up.

Gerald, a 35 year old dentist, proudly exclaims, “Of everyone here, I by far, have the larges...

What is the sound of a one hand clap 13.8 billion years ago?

bang!

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If two people with clap have sex,

Is it considered a round of applause?

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(sorry if this is a repost) what is the sound of one hand clapping? Masturbating

Sorry if theres a issue with this joke it is my first post on this subreddit

Can someone please clap?

That way I'm not the only one touching themselves tonight

This is a Mean joke.

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go on a hunting trip, they are walking through the woods when they spot a deer in a clearing. The physicist calculates the distance of the target, the velocity and drop of the bullet, adjusts his rifle and fires, missing the deer 5 feet to the left. The e...

A man is walking home alone late one foggy night when behind him he hears: Bump! BUMP! BUMP! Walking faster, he looks back and through the fog he makes out the image of an upright casket banging its way down the middle of the street toward him!!

BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

Terrified, the man begins to run toward his home, the casket bouncing quickly behind him.

FASTER! FASTER! BUMP! BUMP! BUMP!

He runs up to his door, fumbles with his keys, opens the door, rushes in, slams and locks the door behind him.

However, the casket...

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Joe wanted to buy a Harley motorcycle. He didn't have much luck until one day, he came across a Harley with a 'for sale' sign on it ...

The bike looked better than a new one, even though it was 10 years old. It was shiny and in great condition.

He buys it and asks the seller how he kept it in such great condition for 10 years.

'Well, it's quite simple,' says the seller, 'whenever the bike is outside and it's gonna rain...

How do you make 5 drug addicts clap?

Tell your server it’s your birthday

Two men are stranded on a deserted island. One despairs, but the other one claps him assuredly on the back and says, “Don’t worry, they will definitely find us, and soon.” “Really? Why do you think so?”

“I owe the IRS five years’ worth of taxes.”

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The lockdown is getting to me...

Now, when I see a nurse in a porno, I stand up and clap.

(Credit: Eddie Della Siepe)

This girl have me the Clap so bad..

...my doctor called it an applause.

A man suddenly appeared at the gates of Hell… (Story Joke)

He looked up to see the Devil sitting at a chair.

“Hello my friend,” The Devil said kindly, “How are you this fine eternity?”

“A bit confused,” the man replied, “I didn’t realise that I was dead.”

“I understand,” the Devil said sympathetically, “Why don’t you tell me how you go...

Now clap....

So this joke comes from my once was uncle...

A guy and a girl meet at a bar.

She asks him to come to her flat.

They begin to engage in coitus.

She asks him to finger her.

He does.

She tells him "harder... faster.... more"

So he puts a third finger in....

Did you know that T-Rexs can't clap their hands?

That's because of their short arms and the fact that they're all dead.

Most people think that t-rexes can’t clap because they have short arms

Actually it’s because they are dead

A Muslim dies and finds himself before the Pearly Gates...

He is very excited, as all his life he has longed to meet the Prophet Mohammed.

Having arrived at the Gates of
Heaven, he meets a man with a beard.

"Are you Mohammed?" he asks.

"No, my son. I am Peter. Mohammed is higher up." And he points to a ladder that rises into the c...

Do you think if Jesus clapped hard enough..

The holes in his hands would whistle?

My parents bought that light that turns on or off when you clap

They must be so happy about it that they can't stop turning it on and off in the night.

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