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What would happen if Uranus collided with earth?

It would be a pain in the ass.

What did a tectonic plate say to another tectonic plate after they accidentally collided?

Sorry, my fault.



(I'm sure it's been said before, but I still giggled at that one)

A red and a blue ship have just collided in the Caribbean.

Apparently the survivors are marooned.

Two ships collided. One was carrying a load of red paint, and the other a load of blue paint.

All the passengers were marooned.

A truck loaded with Worcestershire sauce is driving through Saskatoon, Saskatchewan when it collides with a Nissan Qashqai.

The truck then careens down the road and hits a car from Massachusetts, injuring the two otorhinolaryngologists inside.

A bystander quickly calls to report the accident on his Huawei.

The emergency operator asks the bystander, "What happened?"

"It's hard to say."
.
. ...

Two hydrogen atoms decide that they want to ride on the Large Hadron Collider.

They jump on a plane to Switzerland and sneak in while no one is looking. As they start to speed up one of them realises that they have both lost their electrons. It mentions it to his friend who asks "Are you sure?"

It replys "I'm positive."

Wife crashed the car again today. She told the police the man she collided with was on his mobile phone and drinking a can of beer.

Police said he can do what he likes in his own living room.

What if someone were to steal the Large Hadron Collider?

It would be a matter of 'great con-CERN'.

What do you call two universes that collided?

Diverse.

A cement mixer has collided with a prison van.

Motorists are asked to look out for 16 hardened criminals.

A snail witnessed two turtles collide and have an accident. He was asked what he saw....

He said, "I'm not sure, it all happened so fast."

A skunk and a rabbit were running through the woods and accidentally they collided with each other.

They both got amnesia from the crash.

"Who am I? What am I?" said the rabbit confused.

"Well, you're one such... with a short tail, long ears..."

"I guess!" shouted the rabbit, "I'm a rabbit!"

"And what am I?" asked the skunk.

"Ah! Yes. You're one such hairy, smell...

What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.

(Sorry)

Two guys, one old, one young, are pushing their carts around the supermarket when they collide.

The old guy says to the young guy:

"Sorry about that. I'm looking for my wife and I guess I wasn't paying attention to where I was going."

"That's okay," the young guy says. "It's a coincidence really because I'm looking for my wife, too."

"Well, maybe I can help you find her. W...

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Three families are driving along a mountain road, all collide and die in a wreck of twisted metal and fire. (Long)

All of them end up in a line standing before St. Peter and the pearly gates.

St. Peter motions the first head of the family forward. "What have you done to deserve to get into heaven?"

The man dressed in a business suit said, "My family never wanted for anything and I provided whateve...

What did the fish yell as it collided with a wall mid-swim?

DAMN!

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What's it sound like when a water truck and a vinegar truck collide?

DOOSH!

I saw on the news that a truck carrying almonds collided with another truck carrying glitter.

Apparently the road was covered with with almonds and glitter.

And I thought, "That's pretty nuts"

Do you know what sound two 747’s make when the collide mid air?

Boeing!

A Man and A Woman Both Collide in A Car Crash.

The man quickly rushes out of his car to help the woman out.


The woman says "Wow, we both got into a car crash yet we both survived. This calls for a celebration."

The man slowly nodded his head in agreement.


The woman takes a bottle of whiskey out of her car trunk, star...

Did you hear about the cheese trucks that collided in France?

The only thing left at the scene was debrie

The lady who had crashed her SUV complained to the Police that the man she collided with was on his mobile and drinking beer from a bottle at the time.

The Police said that the gentleman was entitled to do what ever he wanted in his own garden!

Did you hear about the Large Hadron Collider going down?

They are gonna have to bring in a quantum mechanic.

Two Cheese Trucks collide on the freeway

De-brie flew everywhere

I read that the Large Magellanic Cloud is going to collide with the Milky Way in 2 billion years.

Maybe the government shutdown will be over by then.

LeBron James yelled "F&%@# YOU!" as he collided with the opponent while driving to the hoop with the ball. However the opponent had both feet planted.

The refs found the foul to be offensive.

After I stole the priceless statue and turned the corner, I collided into the female security guard's chest...

...It was a huge bust.

There are two boats (tankers) about to collide at sea.

One is filled with purple paint, the other with red paint.

They collide...

All the survivors were marooned.

An old professor of Particle Physics and his assistant were having beers at a pub in London when the conversation drifted to the experiments with the Large Hadron Collider near Geneva, Switzerland.

The assistant mentioned one of the wonderous things the famous particle collider can do. "The Collider can accelerate protons," the assistant began.

The professor smiled and said, "Yes, I've seen it do that, personally."

Surprised and intrigued that his mentor had worked with ...

You hear about the paddy wagon that collided with cement mixer Ed?

12 hardened criminals escaped.

Two Ford Fusions collided head-on on the highway.

The good news is that the reaction released enough energy to light up New York City for 3 hours.

A man is lost in the back roads of Vermont when he collides with a local at the intersection...

He and the local got out to examine their bent fenders.
"Well, don't look like much," observed the local. "Why don't we just take a little pull to steady our nerves." He grabbed the jug from his battered pickup, removed the stopper and handed it to the tourist.
After taking a good slug, the to...

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What do physicists call their penis?

A hard-on collider.

Two bicyclists collided in India...

Ten thousand people died.

Why did the physicist at the Hadron Collider get thrown in jail?

Because he was a mass murderer

Two turtles collide in an intersection.

When the police come, they look around to see if there are any witnesses, they only see a snail on the sidewalk. The police approach the snail and ask him if he could tell them what he saw. To which the snail replied, "well, it happened so fast..."

Why is it difficult to make fun of the Large Hadron Collider?

Because it's hard to discern.

What do you get when 2 giraffes collide?

A giraffic jam

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A doctor and a lawyer collide in traffic

During the afternoon commute, a doctor and a lawyer collide, and go hurtling off the road into the ditch. Both emerge unhurt but badly shaken up.
The lawyer says, "Are you okay?"
The badly rattled doctor replies, "Yes, I think so. I'm a doctor & I can tell nothing's broken."
The l...

An English man and an Irish man are driving head-on, at night, on a twisty, dark road. Both are driving too fast

for the conditions and collide on a sharp bend in the road. To the amazement of both, they are unscathed, though their cars are both destroyed. In celebration of their luck, both agree to put aside their dislike for the other from that moment on. At this point, the Englishman goes to the boot and fe...

Did you hear about the truck full of sugar that collided with the truck full of strawberries?

Created one hell of a jam.

What do two atoms argue in the hadron collider?

Higg no rants

I hit a huge milestone!!

I finally bought a car!

Then I drove about 1.6km and collided into a huge boulder.

LHC (Large Hadron Collider)

When LHC discovered Higgs Boson, it literally became deus ex machina.

Posting my school jokes day#2

What happens when two frogs collide?
They get tongue tied

If we could put bread in a particle collider...

We could discover new quarks and glutons.

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A professional fighter and a seamstress walk into a bar

The bartender asks them how their day is going. The seamstress says her day has been sew-sew. The fighter just looks beat.


The bartender takes their orders.
The seamstress orders a thimble of gin.
The fighter asks for something with some kick.


The bartender tells them a j...

A person goes for a job interview

The interviewer says: "your resume lists just a single employer?"

The person says: "yes, I was a switchman for the railroad. I got fired when I forgot to switch the tracks and two passenger trains collided."

The interviewer says: "OMG, you had *one* job!"

The person says: "yes, ...

Irish Vs. English

An English naval vessel is called to attention by an Irish Guard.

Irish: Aye, approaching vessel, I advise ye turn 15 degrees south to avoid a collision.

The English Captain replies: "Negative, sir. We advise you redirect 15 degrees north to avoid said collision."

Irish: I repea...

A magician is doing well with his shows on a cruise ship until the Captain buys a parrot as the ships mascot.

From then on every night the magician does any of his tricks the parrot squawks out "He's got a card up his sleeve" or "he had the dove in his pocket" or "there were two pieces of string". Every night the parrot ruins his shows. One night the ship collides with something and all the alarms go off. L...

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The cocky exponential function e^x is strolling along the road insulting the functions he sees walking by.

He scoffs at a wandering polynomial for the shortness of its Taylor series. He snickers at a passing smooth function of compact support and its glaring lack of a convergent power series about many of its points. He positively laughs as he passes |x| for being nondifferentiable at the origin. He smil...

When a space telescope hits debris...

...it becomes a collide-oscope.

I once put rum and pineapple into CERN's particle accelerator

Discovered the Piña Collider

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Two liars went for a swim.

Now these two were a dad and his son. The dad climbed a boulder and proceeded to dive into the water. He got his foot stuck between some rocks and struggled to release his feet for around 2 minutes before swimming back to the surface.

Son: You were under for quite a while there. What happene...

What do you call

What do you call a Sumo fight between two guys with erections?

"Large Hardon Collider"

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My friend works as a scientist where they have a giant underground ring which smashes cocktails together at very high speeds...

...it's called the Pina Collider.

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Hannibal Lecter escapes his prison, and begins a cannibalistic killing spree.

Bodies turn up all over the city, mutilated and butchered like livestock. The livers are missing from the bodies, as is muscle from the shoulders, legs and back, the tongues, a variety of human flesh all carved out and eaten by Lecter after killing his victims.

Not only that, but he escapes t...

What's the only thing that can pleasure a supermassive black hole?

A Large Hard-on Collider

BREAKING NEWS!

Two tanker ships collided and sank in the southern Pacific Ocean yesterday. One was filled with red paint and the other, smaller tanker, was filled with blue paint. All crew members survived but now are marooned on an uninhabited island.

(Thanks to The Two Ronnies for this oldie)

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I want to create a machine that would smash two boners together at nearly the speed of light.

I'll call it the Large Hard-on Collider

THE BIG CRASH

It is the middle of the night in the middle of nowhere, two cars both slightly cross over the white line in the centre of the road. They collide and a fair amount of damage is done, miraculously neither driver is hurt.

They both get out. One is a doctor, one is a lawyer. The lawyer calls the ...

Nuclear Physicist Bartender

How did Nuclear Physicist mix drinks at his party?

With a Piña Collider.

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A nun is doing her rounds around town. . .

. . .when she turns the corner near a bar, only to collide with a mean-looking, stumbling drunk. The drunk flies into a rage, and punches her in the face. He then kicks her square in the gut, and begins to brutally pummel her head and face as she doubles over.

Within a minute, she is reduced ...

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Bear , Rabbit & Genie

One afternoon, a bear was chasing a rabbit through the woods. As the rabbit dove through a bush in an attempt to escape, he collided with an old dusty genie lamp. This tripped him up, which in turn tripped up the bear, and the both of them tumbled down a small hill along with the lamp, which promptl...

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Always drive in reverse when you're drunk (True story)?

This is a true story. Many many years ago, before drink driving laws were as strong as they are today, a friend of my Dads, lets call him Dave, was leaving the pub, keys in hand and a hefty number of pints on board.

"Jesus, am I all right to drive" he wonders as he misses the ignition with th...

3 hours in the crucifixion of Jesus one of his disciples, Andrew, is wandering the streets of Jerusalem still trying to fathom what just happened

with no specific end destination Andrew just walks around in a somewhat foggy state of mind. Suddenly he hears a distant and very silent cry:

"Andreeeeew..."

First he thinks it´s his own mind playing tricks with him or maybe somehow just the wind but then he hears it again..:

"A...

Tim the Conductor

Once upon a time there was a train conductor named Tim. Tim greatly enjoyed conducting his train around every day, and even though he had relatively poor pay, all was well in Tim's world. There was only one issue; Tim was a flat out *awful* conductor. He reduced the overall efficiency of all of the ...

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Three surgeons are chatting.

They start talking about which one of the three is the best at surgeries.

One said,

"I once performed a surgery on a man who lost all ten of his fingers. I put them all back on, and now he can play the hardest songs on the piano perfectly."

Then another said,

"Wow, that's...

The Glue Truck

A truck owned by a commercial glue company is driving through London when it accidentally collides with a lamp post, causing it to swerve out of control and flip on its side. During this collision, the tank holding the glue explodes and 1000kg of glue falls upon a poor pedestrian. He's firmly stuck ...

A red ship and a blue ship...

A Red ship and a Blue ship were sailing towards each other at full speed in the middle of the ocean and collided resulting in a horrible mess. What happened to the sailors?

...they were Marooned.

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An Irishman, A Welshman and a Scot are on a boat carrying sheep and potatoes.

They have just got out to sea when a rock collides with the ship and it begins to sink. There are three life jackets, enough for everyone to escape safely. The Irishman grabs as many potatoes as he can carry and stuffs them under his life jacket before throwing himself over the deck and attempting t...

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In Memory of Ronnie Corbett

Here's some of his best jokes

- A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston by-pass. Motorists are asked to be on the look-out for 16 hardened criminals.

- We will be talking to an out of work contortionist who says he can no longer make ends meet.

- A man was maro...

Yo momma's so fat,

she uses the Large Hadron Collider as a hula hoop.

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So I heard they built a gayporn production facility on the CERN-compound...

Apparently it's called the "Large Hardon Collider".

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