A man stumbles upon a magic lamp with a genie willing to grant him one wish.

Man: I wish your name was "Burger King".

Genie: Wait, what? Why?

Man: It's for a joke, trust me.

Genie: You'd waste a wish, something with the power to change the cosmos itself, for a joke?

Man: Yes.

Burger King: Have it your way.

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A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night.

A drunk stumbles into an upscale bar on a slow night. He asks the bartender for a drink and says, “I can’t pay you, but I’ll play you a song on that piano.” The bartender says what the hell and gives the man a shot of cheap whiskey. To his surprise, the drunk sits down at the piano and plays one of ...

Three dinosaurs stumble upon a lamp in the desert.

One of them rubs the lamp and out pops a genie. "In exchange for freeing me, I shall grant each of you one wish," said the genie.

Excited and clamoring amongst each other, the dinosaurs began to dream of meat.

The first one piped up, "I wish it would rain pepperoni and drumsticks!" The...

Three dinosaurs stumble across a magic lamp.

They rub it, and a genie appears.

"I have three wishes, so I'll give one to each of you," the genie announces.

The first dinosaur thinks hard.

"Alright," he says, "I'll have a big, juicy, piece of meat."

Instantly, the biggest, juiciest piece of meat he'd ever seen appear...

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A drunk man stumbles out of a bar.

He smacks into a priest while walking home. He looks up and slurs,

“Father, pardon me, but I’m Jesus fucking Christ.”

The priest says, “no my son, you’re not.”

The drunk responds, “I can prove it.”

So the drunk stumbles back into the bar with the priest in tow. The barten...

So a dwarf stumbles out of a bar...

...because he's a little drunk.

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A police officer pulls over a car he spots swerving all over the road, and asks the driver to step out of the vehicle. A clearly inebriated man reeking of beer stumbles out of the car...

The officer tells the man that he pulled him over because of his erratic driving and strongly suspects that he is under the influence of alcohol.

"No way, offisher. I just came from work and I am \*hic\* good-to-go," the man slurs and stumbles a little.

"Well just to be safe, would you...

A bartender is sitting behind his bar when a well dressed but obviously drunk man stumbles in.

"Bartender! A drink for everyone, a drink for me, and a drink for yourself!" The man yells as he approaches.

The bartender pours all the drinks, the whole bar cheers, they all drink. The bartender hands the bill to the man, and he just shrugs and says, "Oh I didn't bring my wallet with me ton...

6 months ago a man stumbles across a genies bottle and is granted three wishes

He tells the genie "I am a simple man. All I wish for is to spend more time with my family, have a shorter commute and a case of Corona"

Two guys are walking through the woods one day when they stumble across a big deep hole.

The first guy peers into it and says, “Wow! That looks deep.”

The second guy says, “It sure does. Let’s throw a few pebbles in there and see how deep it is. We’ll be able to tell the depth by how long it is before we hear the noise of the pebbles landing.”

So they pick up a few pebbles...

Cow stumbles into pot field

The steaks have never been higher.

Credit to indian hills puns check them out they're great

At 3’o’clock in the morning, a wife hears her husband stumble in through the door,

She goes down stairs and sees him standing in the doorway drunk.

she says “Have you been drinking?”

the husband laughed and said “No honey, I drove home.”

The wife’s face drops and she begins to panic.

The husband then starts to freak out and says “What’s wrong?!”
...

A farmer and his brand new bride were riding home from the chapel in a wagon pulled by a team of horses, when the older horse stumbled.

The farmer said, "That's once."A little further along, the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer said, "That's twice."After a little, while the poor old horse stumbled again. The farmer didn't say anything, but reached under the seat, pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse. His brand new bride ...

An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.

The bear rears up to full height and gives a roar as it leans in toward the man. The atheist screams in terror,‟ Oh God,help me!!!”
An atheist is hiking in the woods when he stumbles across a huge hungry grizzly bear.
Suddenly,everything--the bear,the trees,the birds,everything but the man--...

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(NSFW) Two rednecks, Junior and Billy, are walking through the forest and stumble upon a sheep with Its head stuck in the fence

Junior Looks at Billy and says, “Ima fuck that sheep!” So he runs up behind the sheep, pulls down his pants and starts fuckin it. After a few minutes he steps back, pulls up his pants and walks back to Billy. Junior looks at Billy and Says “I’m sorry, do you want a turn Billy?”

Billy looks a...

A man is walking through the woods when he stumbles on a suitcase with some puppies inside

He calls up the local veterinary centre to ask for advice.

"Hi, I was walking through the woods and I found a closed suitcase, when I opened it there were 5 little puppies inside" said the man

"Oh no, that's horrible. Are they moving?" Asks the receptionist

"I'm not sure" replie...

A Drunk Man Stumbles Out of A Bar...

...and sees two priests walking across the street. He staggers towards the two priests and stops in front of them.
He turns to the first priest and proudly says, “I’m Jesus Christ!” The first priest shakes his head and replies, “No, son, you’re not.”
He then turns to the second priest and say...

drunken man stumbles out of a bar and, gets on the greyhound late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman. She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you. You're going straight to hell!" The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts,

"Man, I'm on the wrong bus!"

A 60 year old husband and wife were walking along the beach when they stumbled upon a lamp in the sand.

They picked it up and upon wiping the sand away a genie popped out.

"Because you have freed me, I'll grant you each one wish." The genie said.

The wife thought for a moment and said "Years ago I found an old clock washed up on the beach, it's beautiful but never worked."

The ge...

A rabbi, a priest, and an imam were walking down a deserted road when they stumbled upon a pot filled with gold coins

After a few moments they all agreed that being men of God, they can't take all the gold for themselves. They have to give something back to God. The Priest said: i'm going to draw a square on the ground and throw the pot high in the air. Whatever fells inside the square is mine to take, whatever ...

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A bear and a rabbit stumble upon a fairy

"You both get three whishes granted", says the fairy. The bear does not need to think for long and says: "I want to be compelling to all female bears in this entire forest!"

"Ok," says the fairy, "and what is your wish, little rabbit?"

"I'd like a beautiful and strong helmet, which fit...

A wealthy, but stingy father was trying to put a birthday party together for his 16 y/o daughter.

He wanted the party to be extravagant but wanted to spend as little money as possible. He had finished all of the other decorations, and he was left to work on the cake.

"Why not get it ordered from an upscale bakery?" his wife said.

So the father visited a ton of different bakeries an...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp...

He rubs the lamp and a genie pops out!

The genie says that he will grant the man only one wish, and that he has to pick from three choices. He can either be the richest man in the world, the most popular man in the world, or the wisest man in the world. The man says "We all know that money do...

A man stumbles upon a lamp on the beach, rubs it, and a genie comes out.

"I shall grant you three wishes- but keep in mind that anything you wish for, your mother-in-law will get the same, two-fold."

The man thinks. "OK. For my first wish, I'd like to have a villa with an ocean view."

The genie says "OK, but your mother-in-law will have two."

"That's...

A woman wanted to know how her husband would react if she left him. She wrote him a letter saying she is tired of him and didn't want to live with him anymore. She put it on the table in the bedroom and then climbed under the bed to hide until her husband got home.

When he eventually came back home, he saw the letter on the table and read it. After a few moments of silence, he picked up the pen and added something to the letter. Then he started to get changed, whistling happy tunes and singing and dancing while he did so. He grabbed his phone and dialed a numb...

Two guys stumble out of the bar and want to fight.

One draws a line in the dirt and says, "If you cross this line, I'm gonna punch you!"


That was the punch line.

A drunken man stumbles upon a baptism in the River Jordan

The priest is standing there, dunking people's heads underwater,and when they emerged he would ask if they'd found Jesus.

The drunk wanders down to the river to join in, and when it gets to his turn, the priest dunks his head under the water. when he gets back up, he asks the man if he had f...

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A black man, mexican man and a redneck are walking down the beach one day when they stumble upon a magical lamp.

They rub it and a Genie pops out. "Thank you for freeing me from 1000 years inside! I will grant each of you ONE wish!"

The black man goes first : "I wish all black people could be returned to Africa to live peacefully and happily with all the resources to guarantee a great life for many gene...

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A bear and a rabbit stumbled upon a magical lamp in the forest...

They rubbed it and guess what, a genie appeared. He granted both of them 3 wishes each. The rabbit asked the bear to go first, becuase he knew the bear's playboy nature.

Bear: I wish to be the most handsome bear in the whole world.
Genie: Granted.
Rabbit: I want a motorbike.
Genie (...

Depressing pickup lines.

Are you suicide?
Because I think about you every day.

Are you a toaster?
Because I really want to take a bath with you.

Are you a noose?
Because I really want to hang with you.

Are you a gravestone?
Because I really wish you were on top of me.

Are you anti-...

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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar

The first mathematician orders a beer

The second orders half a beer

"I don't serve half-beers" the bartender replies

"Excuse me?" Asks mathematician #2

"What kind of bar serves half-beers?" The bartender remarks. "That's ridiculous."

"Oh c'mon" says mathematician #...

A man is walking along the beach with his wife when he stumbles upon an oil lamp poking from the sand...

Intrigued, the man picks it up and begins to rub the sand off it. To his surprise, a genie emerges from the lamp!

The genie says in a mighty voice, "As a reward for releasing me, I shall grant you three wishes. However, your wife shall receive double of what you ask for."

Without hesit...

Two hunters are walking through the woods when they stumble upon a large hole in the ground.

The first hunter says to the other, "That looks really deep. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how far it goes."

To find out how deep it really is, the hunters toss some nearby pebbles into the hole and try to listen for when the pebbles hit the bottom. None of the pebbles make a sou...

A mathematician stumbles home drunk at 3 a.m.

...and his wife is livid.
“You SWORE that you’d be home by 11:45!”
"No," slurs the mathematician...
“I said I’d be home by a quarter of 12.”

An atheist dies and goes to hell

The devil welcomes him and says:"Let me show you around a little bit." They walk through a nice park with green trees and the devil shows him a huge palace. "This is your house now, here are your keys." The man is happy and thanks the devil. The devil says:"No need to say thank you, everyone gets a ...

Three drunk guys stumble upon a magic lamp

Inside, there was a Genie who gives each one of them one wish, anything they want to.

The first guy said "Hic-I want a bottle of beer please", and the first guy got a beer

Second guy said "Give me, hic-one more please", and the second guy got a beer

Lastly, third guy said "Give ...

A pirate awkwardly stumbles into a bar.

Bartender: What's wrong?

Pirate: Aye, a scallywag shoved me boat's steering wheel down me pants and it's stuck there in me crotch!

Bartender: That sounds painful.

Pirate: Aye, it's a driving me nuts.

A russian village has a tradition...

...where each year they they hold a very unusal contest, that consists of 4 challenges: First, the contestants must down a bottle of vodka, then they must swim across an icy lake, third they must shake hands with a chained up wild bear on the other side, and finally they have to run to the closest v...

A man stumbles out of a bar just before closing time.

An officer was already outside, waiting for drink-drivers. She watches as the man nearly trips down the stairs outside the bar, stagger over to his car, and fumble in his pocket for his keys.

Looks like I've got one, the officer thinks to herself.

15 minutes later, closing time finally...

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3 men are walking through the desert when they stumble across a lamp. They dust it off and a Genie pops out, the genie says "I will grant each of you 3 wishes!"

The first man says "I wish for a million dollars!" "Alright" says the Genie and just like that a million dollars appears at the man's feet.

The second man says "I wish for unlimited money" "Alright" says the Genie "Check your bank account" The man checks on his phone and sure enough there's a...

An elephant stumbles upon a naked man in the savanna. As he has never seen a naked man before he thinks to himself, pitying: "That poor man."

"How is he going to get food in his mouth?"

Three blondes are walking around. They suddenly stumble apron some tracks. The first blonde says "those are deer tracks" the send blonde says "those are wolf tracks!" The third blonde says" no, those are bear tracks!"

And then the train hit them

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Two men are walking through the desert and stumble across a big rock

- Hey, what a weird rock!

- Yes, it looks like a pyramid!

They both dig and discover a huge pyramid.

- Shit! It's a giant pyramid!

- What do we do with this?

- We should notify the American archaeological team. These people are professional and I'm sure they'l...

Two men are walking when one suddenly stumbles.

Man 2: That was a nasty fall, are you alright?

Man 1: Oh no, I'm just looking for something I lost.

Man 2: What did you lose?

Man 1: My balance.

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A drunk old man stumbles into a bar . . .

It’s the roughest bar at the end of the roughest street in town. It’s full of the scariest, meanest bikers you ever saw. Swaying slightly, he scans the room and stops when he finds the biggest, toughest-looking guy in the place. He stumbles over to the guy’s table, points at him and says in a loud v...

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So I stumbled across a new genre of porn... Circus Porn...

Turns out it’s Fucking In-Tents

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A Couple Has a Dog That Snores.

Annoyed because she can't sleep, the wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog's testicles, and he will stop snoring. "Yeah right!" she says.


A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring, as usual. The wife tosses and t...

Two men stumble across a hole in the woods.

They want to see how far down it goes, so they look around for something to drop inside.

One man notices an old rusty anvil.

With great effort, they drag it to the hole and push it inside.

The watch the anvil drop into the hole, and even after it disappeared into the blackness, ...

Two hunters are tracking a deer when they stumble upon a deep hole...

They can’t see the bottom of this hole and were wanting to see how deep it went. One of the hunters found an anvil next to the hole and threw it down. They were waiting to hear the thud of the anvil hitting the ground but they didn’t hear anything. Suddenly, the hunters heard a charging sound. The h...

A man was walking along a beach in California when he stumbled across an old lamp.

As he rubbed it, a genie popped out and granted him a wish.

‘Let me see,’ said the guy. ‘I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I’m scared of flying and get seasick. So could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can go there on vacation?’

The genie scratched his head. ‘A bridge f...

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I drunkenly stumbled into the back of a taxi.

I burped a few times and the driver looked at me in his rear view mirror.

"It's £40 if you throw up on my seats."

I burped again.

Thankfully I was able to hold it down until we stopped outside my house. Another enormous burp escaped my lips.

The driver assessed me once mo...

A man walking on the beach stumbled on a bottle.

He picked it up and pulled the cork and a genie jumped out.

Genie: Thank you for freeing me. I will grant you one wish.

Man: I've heard this one, whatever I wish for will come back and bite me.

Genie: Nah man I won't do that. In fact if that happens I'll give you unlimited wishe...

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A bear is chasing a rabbit through the forest when they stumble across a magic lamp.

The rabbit picks up the lamp, and rubs it. Out comes a genie, and it grants them both 3 wishes.

The bear, now focused on the wishes, decides to test the genie’s limits. He says, “I wish every other bear in the forest were female!”

The rabbit simply says, “I wish for a motorcycle helmet...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp and rubs it, revealing a genie that claims to grant the man three wishes.

The genie says "I can grant you three wishes, but your worst enemy gets twice what you wished for."

The man agrees. He says, "My first wish is to have 20 billion dollars.

The genie agrees, reminding the man once again the rules, to which the man is still fine with.

The man then ...

Two cannibals stumble upon a corpse

They decide to eat the body. One started at the head while the other began with the feet. As they were eating, the face eater asks the other, “How's it going?”

The foot chewer replies “I am having a ball.”

“Slow down, you're eating too fast”

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A man is walking by a bar one evening

When he sees a sign in the window with the words “FREE Beer for a year! Inquire within!”
The man, having nothing better to do, decides go in:

“Hey, you’ve got a sign out there talking about free beer, what’s that all about?”

(The bartender)”Oh yeah, I put that up a couple of days ...

A zookeeper stumbles across a man throwing five-dollar bills into the monkey cage.

“What the heck are you doing?” the zookeeper asks.



“The signs says it’s cool,” the man answers, pointing to a sign in front of the cages.



“No, it doesn’t,” the zookeeper replies.



“Sure it does,” says the man, tossing another bill in the cage. “It says, ‘D...

Three guys are walking their dogs and they see a bar

"I could really go for a drink," says the first guy. The two other guys agree, but as they get closer to the bar they see that there are no dogs allowed inside.

"I guess we can't go in, as there is nowhere to tie up our dogs," the second guy says.

"That's where you're wrong," the first...

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3 men are walking through a forest on their way back home, when they stumble upon a lamp...

...One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact ...

Canoe (NSFW)

One day three explorers venture out into a jungle.
They stumble across a very hostile tribe and get captured.

Next the chief of the tribe comes to them and says “We are going to kill you and use four skin for canoes, but you get to choose how you die.” So all of the explores begin thinki...

I stumbled upon people arguing about trains in my town.

I told them, what’s the lo-commotion?

A drunk stumbles into a library and says: "I'll take a double gin and tonic!"

The librarian leans forward with a severe whisper: "You are in a library!"

The drunk, all manners and apologetic leans over the counter and whispers slow: "I'll take a double gin and tonic."

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A rabbit and a bear stumble upon a magic lamp.(some of you may have heard it)

They rub it and a genie appears. The genie promises each of them three wishes each but they'd have to take turns making the wishes.
It's the bear first, so he goes "I wish all the bears in this jungle were female with the exception of me."
The wish was granted.
The rabbit's turn. He goes" I...

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A man was trying to lose weight

A man was trying to lose weight and stumbled upon an advertisement by a company that advertised weight loss of 10 pounds over the course of just one week. He decided he had nothing to lose so he decided to give it a try.

The very next day his training sessions started. He was greeted by a stu...

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A juggler gets pulled over for speeding...

The cop approaches and asks “what’s your hurry?”

“Well”, explains the juggler, “I’m running late for a juggling performance”

The officer looks into the empty car, “I don’t see any juggling equipment... how do I know if I can believe you?”

The juggler perks up “well all my stuff...

A Police patrol car parked outside a local neighbourhood pub late in the evening. The officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing. After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles. The man managed to find his car, which he fell into. He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off....

A frazzled looking doe stumbles out of the woods at night

And thinks to herself "I'm never doing that for two bucks again".

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A man walks into a bar

*Please just keep reading*

He orders a drink and notices a jar of money sitting on the bar table. He then asks the bartender

“Hey bartender, what’s with that jar full of money?”

“It’s prize money” the bartender replies

Puzzled, since the man was not aware of any current c...

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A group of soldiers are walking in the woods, lost and in need of shelter

After hours they stumble across an old shack, with smoke coming out of it. The leader goes inside to check and hopefully find someone who can help them. Inside is an old woman, all dirty. The man explains their situation and she makes a deal with him. She says: “I haven’t had a good fucking in a lon...

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So a cowboy is riding his horse through the desert

When he comes across an Indian laying on the ground butt-naked with an erection.

“Howdy! Whatcha doin?” the cowboy asks the Indian.

“It’s an old trick we use to tell the time of the day” the Indian says.

“Boy that seems like a nifty trick! What time is it, then?” the cowboy inqu...

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At a wedding party in Mexico, the inebriated groom stumbles into the bedroom and finds his bride getting fucked by the best man.he laughs uproariously and calls his his friends to the doorway to have a look. They say to him "Juan, you are drunk!"

"You think I'M drunk?" he yells. .
"Take a look at Manuel. . He's so drunk, he thinks he's ME!"

A white man visits a rural tribe in Africa

A white man wants to take the trip of a lifetime, and decides on a trip to Africa. He is in a go nowhere job, with no friends or family, and is feeling down. He quits his job and decides to travel to a remote area, far from civilization. He does not like the touristy vibe that some places give off, ...

Three christian missionaries stumble upon a cannibal tribe in a tropical jungle

They are immediately captured, and taken back to the village.



The first missionary is brought in front of the chief, who amazingly speaks good English.

He tells the first missionary, "head out into the jungle, find a single fruit, and bring ten of its kind back. Don't think of ...

A man feels burnt out by his busy city life, and decides to vacation as far away as possible from the hustle and bustle.

He finds himself in a cozy cabin just outside of a small, remote Alaskan town. For a few days he marvels at the serenity of the forest. He fishes, he hikes, he naps blissfully while listening to the trees sway. But by the middle of the week, he begins to get bored, and goes to town.

Checking...

Three best friends stumble upon a genie lamp.

As a joke, the first one begins to rub it, and all three are surprised when a genie pops out in full Arabian gear. The genie eyes all three of the awestruck men and nods regally.

"I am a Jinn of the Somali. As you have allowed me to see the outside world once again, I shall grant each of you ...

The town drunk stumbles over to a parking meter, stands in front of it, and reads that there are sixty minutes left until it expires.

“I don’t believe it!” he cries out. “I’ve lost 100 pounds!”

A group of gap year students meet in a bar in Thailand. [LONG]

A group of gap year students from around the globe meet up in remote bar in the mountains of Thailand. They get to drinking and getting to know each other. Mark was from the Scotland, John was from the US, Anya was from Russia, Roberto was from Italy, Sett was from Finland.

They start shari...

So this drunk guy stumbles up to a cop...

And says, “excuse me officer I lost my car” and the officer says, “well where did you see it last?”
Guy: “it was right here on the end of my key”
Officer: “Alright well head down to the station and they’ll set you up with the proper paperwork, but before you go, you might want to zip up your ...

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It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life...

Author's note - Wrote this from memory. When you tell this joke in person, act out the stuff in brackets.

\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_\_

It’s World War II, just before dusk. And a Native American Code Talker named Grey Beaver was running for his life from a German patrol. One of the benefi...

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The moonshine, the pitbull & the old lady.

John walks into a bar. As he orders a beer he sees a jar filled with 100$ bills on the counter. The bartender tells him that in order to win the jar of money, he has to complete 3 challenges, but the entry fee is 100$.

After some thinking, he decides to enter the contest. The bartender t...

The low brass section decides to grab drinks during a performance of Beethoven's 9th symphony

The tubas and trombones only play during the end of Beethoven's 9th symphony. During the first several movements they have a famously long period of rest.

One performance, the low brass decide to sneak out to a local bar and grab a few drinks during the beginning of the piece. They quietly du...

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A woman is desperately looking for a husband, but she happens to stumble upon a stores that sells men.

The woman can't believe her luck, and runs inside. On the first floor, there is a sign that reads:

"Welcome to the Husband Store! There are 9 floors in all, but be warned: once you go past a floor, you're not allowed to go back down. You either make a purchase, or leave empty handed."

...

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3 men die and go to heaven

So, they are waiting outside of the gates of heaven, when a flustered St Peter appears.

He loudly announces that due to overpopulation in heaven, only people who died in tragic ways will be allowed in until further notice.

A look of concern washes over the faces of some of the people ...

A Texan, Donald Trump, and a New Mexican are walking along when they stumble upon a gold lamp...

They all immediately grab for it, and each get a hand on it.

As they each struggle to take it from the other two, a genie pops out. The genie says, "You have woken me from my slumber, and I shall give you three wishes. Since you each have a hand on the lamp, you will get one wish a piece."...

In an alternate universe, Aladdin stumbles upon the magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it and out pops the genie. In this universe, however, the genie only grants you *one* wish and it’s from three pre-selected items of the genie. Aladdin, who obviously doesn’t know about the original story and therefor have no objections, happily accepts these ridiculous rules....

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William Stranahan heads to the village for a pint or two...

The old Scotsman is greeted at the pub by his aged mates for their weekly bender. And, aye, they are shameless. They leer at the young lassies. They gripe about the fleeting virility of the young men. They curse the government. They reminisce about the days of yore. But mostly, they drink well throu...

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A man walks into a bar and says to the barman, "Give me five shots of vodkas."

The bartender brings the drinks, raises an eyebrow and empathetically asks, "What up, man. Rough day?"

The man downs his first shot and says, "Just found out my eldest son is gay. I ain't prejudice, but I was raised how I was raised. I just need a bit of spirit to accept it."

Two night...

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*Offensive* A man walking along the train tracks stumbles upon a genie's lamp

The man rubs the lamp & the genie grants him 3 wishes, but a young boy nearby witnesses it all unfold. As the man is about to make his wishes, a train passes by and the curious boy is unable to hear his wishes... when the train is done passing, the genie is gone, but the man is still there, coun...

Three friends are stranded in a desert.

By a stroke of luck, they stumble upon a magic genie lamp.

The genie grants each of them one wish.

The first guy wishes to be back home. Wish granted.

The second guy wishes the same. Wish granted.

The third guy says, "It feels very lonely here now, I wish my friends were ...

A man stumbles to his front steps late one Tuesday night...

He clumsily opens the door to be met by his furious wife.

"Drunk again?!" she asks.

He chuckles and says "Hey, me too."

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A joke that’s got me various death threats

So there was a horse, and this horse was really talented. He was great on guitar. One day he found himself watching youtube and stumbled upon a Jimi Hendrix song which inspired him to start a cover. He practised this cover really hard, eventually becoming inspired to create a cover of a whole Jimi H...

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp

A man stumbles upon a magic lamp. Intrigued by his discovery, he proceeds to rub the lamp and before his very eyes, a genie appears.

"I have finally been released from my slumber and now I shall grant you three wishes in return. choose wisely!" The genie says.

The man considers his de...

Two men are walking through the forest when they stumble upon a large sinkhole.

Guy says, "Woah! This thing looks deep; how deep down do you think it goes?" The two men search around for a long stick or branch to assess the depth, but find nothing of use. They continue their search and they stumble across an old, rusty anvil; and naturally, they haul the anvil over and toss it ...

The snake in the desert

N.B. The joke only works if you use American pronunciation, but it's a long joke and I didn't want people to get to the end and complain there's no punchline.

A man named Steve is stuck in a dead end job, 9-5, 7 days a week in a little run down office in the middle of town. He hates it and h...

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A woman is standing on the edge of the Verrazzano bridge ready to jump

As she's working up the courage to take the last step off, a sailor walks by and sees her. He says, "Ma'am, I can't pretend to know what you're going through but I promise it isn't worth this. Tomorrow my ship leaves for Rome. Why don't I sneak you on and when we get there we can run off and start a...

A drunk guy stumbled upon a genie bottle

He says "hey genie, I get three wishes right? I want ten more bottles of jack Daniels" to which the genie replies "ten more?!?!?!?!? Are yous sure? You're already wasted enough" to which the guy relies " you can't judge me! You're the one that lives in the bottle!"

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Nsfw a rabbit and a bear cross a field and stumble on a green lamp.

The rabbit spoting the lamp instinctively rubbed it and in his astonishment and with a large puff of smoke a genie appeared coughing and splutering...

"Wow thank you both for releasing me its been ages since my last release. As customary i grant you both three wishes of your hearts desire"...

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Not new, but what the hell.

A man steps into a bar on his way home from work, and before you know it, 3 hours has passed and he’s trashed. So much so that he throws up on his own shirt.

“Oh man! M’wife’s gonna kill me!”, he says.

“Hang on.”, says the bartender. “Give me $5, buddy.”

The drunk guy hands h...

A crying jewish man goes to the synagogue

He stumbles to the floor and just lies there, sobbing and crying.

Suddenly he hears a voice from above: "What's wrong my child?".

"Oh", cries the man, "it is horrible. My son got baptized."

"Happened to me too", says the voice. "In the end I had to write a New Testament".
...

Two atoms are walking back home together...

One of the atom stumbles and falls

Atom: ouch, I think I just lost an electron.

Atom 2: are you sure?

Atom: I'm positive.

A man stumbles into his house early in the morning...

after a night of partying and heavy drinking, just as the sun is coming up. His wife is waiting for him at the kitchen table, glaring at him.

"Is there a reason you're coming home at 6 in the morning with alcohol on your breath, lipstick on your collar?" She shouts at him.

"Yes there...

An old Jewish man is walking along the beach when he stumbles upon a magic lamp

He picks it up, rubs it, and--sure enough--a genie pops out.

The genie says to the old man, "I will grant you anything you want."

The old man pulls a map out of his back pocket and points to the Middle East.

"You see this? I would like peace in the Middle East between Israelis a...

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A drunk Scotsman stumbles out of a pub on a windy Saturday night...

...halfway home he passes out on the street, and a gust blows his kilt up, exposing his privates.

Next morning a flock of little old ladies are on their way to church. They see him in all his indecent glory and are aghast. The bravest one pulls a length of blue ribbon from her purse, tent...

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A husband stumbles into his house, drunk as hell...

He barges into his bedroom, clutching a duck under his arm and exclaims "this is the pig I sleep with every night!"
The wife says "that's a duck, dumbass."
The husband replies "Shut up, can't you see I'm having a conversation with my duck!"

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Jack wakes up with a huge hangover...

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company's party. He is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn't taste like alcohol at all. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party. As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

He forced himself to ...

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Two friends are piss drunk at a hotel, and they are looking for a bathroom.

They manage to stumble to a nearby maid and ask for directions. She points to the end of a long hall and says, "Head straight that way and take a right down two small flights of stairs and it'll be right there, you can't miss it."

Both friends begin the slow zigzag shuffle to the toilets, arm...

A man stumbles across an old lamp while he was at his attorney's office

Figuring his luck has to change, he rubs the lamp and out pops a genie.
The genie explains to him that he gets three wishes, and whatever he wishes for, his wife gets double.
The man asks for his first wish.
"The first thing I want is a million dollars."
The genie says, "Okay, but you ...

The owner of a Chinese restaurant stumbled home drunk at 3 am after a bachelor party.

He crawled into bed and, feeling a little frisky, whispered into his wife’s ear, “Hey, honey, how about a little 69?”

His wife rolled over and looked at him. “It’s 3 am,” she replied, “and you want me to make chicken with broccoli?”

The Law Enforcement Test

The President wants to know which of the enforcement agencies is the best at convicting criminals so he sets a test for the CIA, FBI and LAPD. He releases a rabbit into the forest and asks them to apprehend it.

The CIA go in first, using drones to scan the trees, paying the other animals for ...

A man and his wife are exploring the woods

They stumble upon a suitcase. The man opens the suitcase to discover two mice inside that don’t appear to be alive.


“Oh my gosh, are they moving?” exclaims the man’s wife.


The man replies “I don’t know, but that would explain the suitcase.”

A man stumbles upon a group of Redditors

One yells out 58 and they all start giggling. The man is puzzled and asks them what's so funny.

A Redditor tells him that they know all the jokes and instead of telling them, they just say the numbers assigned to the joke and they all remember it and laugh.

The man turns to the reddito...

A diver is walking in full gear in the middle of the desert

Suddenly he stumbles upon a man driving a jeep and asks "How long until I reach the sea?" The driver looks at him in disbelief and says "It's miles away!" The diver then throws his goggles in the sand and says "Well f\*ck you and your beach!".

The ugly baby

A woman is getting on the bus with her baby in her arms. She's fumbling through her purse looking for the fare when the bus driver looks across and says "Gees lady, that's The Ugliest baby I have ever seen!"
She throws the fare at him and stumbles to the back of the bus in a huff.
"What happe...

A man stumbles out of the bar...

A near by cop patiently waits and watches as the man fumbles in his pockets and drops his keys. The man proceeds to spend 5 minutes trying to unlock the door, another 10 turning on and off the headlights, a few more turning the window wipers on and off. About an hour passes and the lot empties. When...

Man walks into a bar with his pet giraffe

After a few hours the drunken pair get up to leave.

The giraffe stumbles and falls to the floor unconscious, the man walks on.

"Oi" shouts the bar man, "You can't just leave THAT lyin' there"

The man turns as says:

"It's not a lion, it's a giraffe"

A man stumbles into r/Jokes

He looks around, refreshing his window, switching from hot to new, from new to top. His face furrows in disgust.

"These aren't even clever, they're just repetitive, poorly executed punchlines with variations in the setup in order to get karma quick."

He calls over his eleven year old s...

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