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There was a mouse that used to stop by a neighborhood tavern every night…

Like clockwork, at 5:15 pm that screen door would kick open and if you looked closely you’d see that crazy little mouse. He’d sprint to his bar stool, spin around the pole on one arm and hop right up to the cushion with a big shit-eating grin. High fives with the bartender. “Gimme a beer, Sam!” “Sur...

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Dave's wife is out for the night and he decides to eat some shrooms. He passes out and wakes up at the pearly gates of heaven.

St Peter greets him and explains that he's actually died from eating some bad shrooms. However, if he makes dinner for Jesus and his 12 disciples *AND* they happen to like it, he'll be revived back on earth.

He enters a huge kitchen, packed with every kind of ingredient imaginable. Dave coul...

Went golfing with my Grandpa yesterday..

We were on the 12th hole and I hit my tee shot a bit to the left. When we got to my ball there was a big 40ft tree right in my way and I was just going to hit around it when my grandpa chimed in:

"Ya know, when I was your age I could hit it right up and over that tree"

Well not to be ...

Wife comes home late at night.

Susan had been away on business all week, but was able to come home a day early due to catching a red-eye flight. When she gets in, she tiptoes up to the bedroom, being as quiet as possible to not wake her husband.

Then, she notices something odd. Where there should only be one set of legs, ...

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What's the difference between a bad golfer and a bad skydiver.

One goes *THWACK*, oh fuck. The other goes oh fuck, *THWACK*.

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Marines' Early Morning Drill

A drill instructor had just been assigned a bunch of new recruits that he had to help train and introduce into the Marine Corps.

On the first morning after moving into the barracks, the DI woke everyone up at 0430, and ordered them to take a cold shower to break them in. Then, after 8 minutes...

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Two young brothers were up in their room...

They were three and five years old, and had just decided that they wanted to say a swear word for the first time that morning.  The older brother hatched out a plan, "When we walk downstairs, I'll say the word 'hell' in a sentence, and you say the word 'ass'."  Once the giggling and excitement waned...

Moses, Jesus and an old man are playing golf...

Moses tees up at a par 3 with a large lake in front of the green. He gives it a solid thwack. Plooop, a little short into the water. He walks up to the water's edge and dramatically shoves the end of the club into the water. The waters part, and he walks through the lake and chips his ball in for a ...

The hungry man in church

A hungry man goes to church and kneels down altar and starts praying. He prays out loud "Lord, please give me food"..and *THWACK* a piece of meat drops before him. The guys was so pleased and happy, he took the meat and off he went.
The second day, he comes back, and prays "Lord, please give me m...

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