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Helps Jokes

The stork is the bird that helps deliver babies. What bird helps prevent pregnancy?

The swallow.

What do you call someone who helps you learn to fart?

A Tooter (my 9yo daughter made it up)

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Presence of mind helps

In a store in US, a man asked for 1/2 kg of butter.

The salesperson, a young boy, said that only 1kg packs
were available in the Store, but the man insisted on buying only 1/2 kg.

So the boy went inside to the manager's room and said
"An idiot outside wants to buy only 1/2 kg o...

I heard a banana a day helps clean out the colon

I then found out you’re supposed to eat the banana.

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Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

Remember: Having sex on regular basis helps keep your memory alive

I wish you all a great 2017.

Scientists say that talking to dairy cows helps them to produce more milk

>!It's in one ear and out the udder!<

What is round and helps against athlete's foot?

A landmine.

Sleeping next to someone you love makes you fall asleep faster, reduces depression, reduces anxiety and helps you to live longer.

Until they start to fart in their sleep.

What do you call a webpage that helps your eyes feel better?

A site for sore eyes!



My dad made this up and wanted me to post it lol

White girl : So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth : YES!!!

What is someone who helps women achieve higher education called?

Goinacollegist

What kind of instrument helps you catch fish?

Castanets

Dr. Oz says rubbing coffee grounds on your naked body helps prevent cellulite.

Apparently you can’t do it in Starbucks.

And now the cops are here…..

Did you hear about the Italian chef how created the popular Italian dish that actually helps you lose weight?

He was awarded the No-belly pizza prize.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I found a drug that helps me sleep when I have a sunburn

It’s called viagra. It doesn’t help with the burn, but it keeps the sheets off my legs

I invented an item that helps you stop smoking, drinking, and gambling.

It is quite the de-vice.

Wearing your mask pulled down beneath your nose actually HELPS other people...

...estimate your IQ.

What's the name of the band who's music helps people sleep?

ZZZZ Top.

Who helps little pumpkins cross the street?

The crossing gourd

My aunt always helps whenever I have an upset stomach.

My Aunt Acid

They say milk helps babies grow,

But I’ve poured two gallons of milk on this baby already and all it’s done is cry.

I wear a mask. Not because I want to, but because it is considerate of others and helps stop the spread of particulates.

I also wear underwear. Not because I want to, but...

What do you call an Appalachian Person that helps women give birth?

A Mountain Doula

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What kind of window helps you poop?

Fiberglass.

A woman helps a man who is having a heart attack.

The woman asks the gathering crowd, "Any doctor here?" One man answered, "I'm a doctor, what's going on?" The woman says, "He's having a heart attack, can you help?" The man says, "I'm a doctor in philosophy." The woman says, "He is going to die!!". The doctor replies, "We are all going to die."

My GF always helps me with difficult tasks

She's my right hand

I’ve failed my electricians exam 3 times. I’ve decided to try meditation to see if that helps.

Ohmmmmm

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A lady helps her husband to set up a new laptop.

Once it is completed, she tells him to select a password, selecting a word that he’ll always remember.

As the computer asks him to enter it, he looks at his wife and with a macho gesture and a wink in his eye, he types “mypenis”.

As he hits “enter” to validate the selection, his wife c...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call a guy that helps a lady clean up after sex?

A fucking gentleman.

God helps those who help themselves.

To other people’s money.

Did you know alcohol helps if you can't sleep?

It doesn't help you sleep, but it makes the lying awake much better!

Asparagus is an interesting meal, not only does it affect your diuretic system, it also helps with hunches and gut feelings.

When you eat asparagus, you can trust urine stinks.

What artist helps you with your workout?

Cardi O

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A man goes to the doctor and complains that no medicine helps with his migraines.

"When I have a migraine," says the doctor, "I go home and
soak in a hot bath. Then I have my wife sponge me off with
the hottest water I can stand, especially around the
forehead. Then I take her into the bedroom, and even if my
head is killing me, we have sex. Almost immediately, th...

smoking cigarettes helps the environment...

...because it kills humans.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Science has found that honeybee venom helps kill aggressive breast cancer cells.

They've updated their name reflecting their new job to Boobees.

Jesus and Moses are relaxing on a boat and talking about the good old days.

The subject of miracles comes up, and they decide to see if they can still perform them.

"It's been almost 4000 years since I did this one" Moses says, then raises his arms. The water parts, revealing the floor of the lake.

Jesus claps His hands and says "Good one! It's only been abo...

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Remember, having sex on a regular basis helps keep your memory healthy and functioning properly.

Here’s to an unforgettable new year!! Happy 2018, everyone!!

What do you call a dog that helps out in a Spanish law firm?

A perro-legal.

What’s the difference btw an Onion and an Englishman?

No one cries when you cut up an Englishman

Note: don’t know if the context helps, but a friend heard this from a Scottish tour guide on a trip to Britain.

I hope this abacus helps me pass my math test.

I'm counting on it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Got sacked from work because my boss caught me masturbating in my cubicle. I did it because it helps me focus.

Goes without saying - I regret cumming to work today

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The Doctor tells the 90 Year Old Man that he needs a semen sample. "Bring back the specimen tomorrow."

The next day the old man comes back with the jar in hand. It's as clean and empty as it was the previous day.
"Did you have a little trouble?" asked the doctor.
A pause, then he says, "When I got home I tried, you know? First, with the right hand. Next, with the left hand. Nothing. That I ask...

What's a Republican policy that helps the middle class instead of the .01%

<Removed.>

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man helps his friend out by taking his shift at the dildo store

One customer comes in says, "how much for the red one" he says "50 bucks"
2nd customer comes in says "how much for the big black one with the veins" he says "120 dollars"
Final customer comes in says "how much for the plaid one" he says "500 bucks" the customer says "ok teehee only live once"...

Who helps me most when I need to relieve stress?

My right hand, man.

What rodent helps reduce your risk when trading livestock futures?

A hedgehog

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A friend told me masturbating before important decisions helps..

You should've seen the look on my recruiter's face when I was jerking off before signing my employment contract..

This mnemonic joke helps you remember the alphabet...

Acronym


Based


Comedy

Doesn't

Ever

Feel


Good

Honestly,

I

Just

Keep

Lamenting

My

Negative

Opinion,

Perhaps

Questioning

Reality


Serves

The


U...

Fantastic exercise that really helps you to lose weight:

Turn your head to the left. Good. Turn your head to the right. Very good. Repeat this exercise whenever you are offered any food.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If uncle Jack helps you off an elephant

...would you help your uncle Jack off an elephant?

I donated $100 to a charity that helps the blind.

Too bad they’ll never see a dime of it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to a recent medical study, masturbation helps to ease congestion.

The traffic cops on my afternoon commute did not agree, however.

A friend of mine always helps me out with maps and diagrams, pointing out all the little symbols and what they mean ...

The guy is a legend.

If you're cold, it actually helps to stand in a corner.

They are usually around 90 degrees.

I wanna be a fish that helps people walk again...

An orthopaedic sturgeon

I heard that milk helps babies grow but I don't think it's true

I've poured three cartons over mine and all it's done so far is cry

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue - NSFW, Language

A woman goes to the doctor, beaten Black and Blue.

**Doctor:** "What happened?"

**Woman:** "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

**Doctor:** "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just...

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over for dinner

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner. The girl tells her boyfriend that she would like to "do it" for the first time.

The boy is ecstatic but he has never done it before so he goes to the pharmacist to get some protection. The pharmacist helps the boy for over a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Study: 'Masturbation helps cure the common cold'

Hope so, I've got no tissues left.

Although fiber helps pass stool, you need to be careful about the type of fiber you ingest.

From my experience, T-Shirts work well but Jeans are a big no.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I told my therapist about my reoccurring dream where I crash my car because it’s missing the pedal that helps me stop

He said he thinks I need a brake

My dog has to wear this cone till he heals from surgery. It helps with the biting, but the barking?

He sounds like a sub-whoofer.

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