A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.

He seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested.The case came up in court. The Judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.The man replied..."Well your Honor, it was like this: When the l...

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He was in ecstasy, with a huge smile on his face, as his wife moved forward, then backwards, forward, then backwards again, back and forth, back and forth...in and out...in and out. It was going on 20 minutes at this point...

Her heart was pounding...her face was flushed...then she moaned, softly at first, then began to groan louder.

Finally, totally exhausted, she let out an almighty scream and shouted:

"OK, OK! I can't park the damn car! You do it, you smug bastard!"

Why did Bruce Willis die with a smile on his face?

Because he died hard.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

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Remember, you're somebody's reason to smile.

Because you're a fucking joke.

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My friend gave me a smug smile and said, 'Your slut of a wife came over last night and was my chef for the night.'

'Don't call her that, it's offensive,' I replied. 'She can't cook to save her life.'

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Every Valentines Day, I bring a smile to my wife’s face.

By taking down the Christmas tree.

This morning I made sure my wife woke up with a big smile on her face

I'm not allowed Sharpies in the bedroom anymore.

What do you call a woman who smiles at you when you leave the house and smiles again when you come back?

Neighbor's wife!

Today a woman told me that I have a beautiful smile and asked me what I use on my teeth.

I looked at her and said "Polygrip".

Why does Santa Claus have a smile on his face?

He has a list of all the naughty girls

A blonde and brunette rob a bank

A blonde and brunette decide to rob a bank. "So you remember the plan?" the brunette asks. The blonde smiles and nods. "I'll keep the car ready.. Good luck!"

The blonde runs in, mask on, and pistol in one hand. 5 minutes pass and nothing. The brunette glances at her watch nervously. 10...

How do Europeans smile?

They don’t. They skilometre.

You know what really makes me smile?

Facial muscles.

If it takes 13 muscles to smile…

...and 33 muscles to frown, how can I tell if this girl is flirting with me and not just being lazy?

Whenever you get caught stupiding in public just smile, laugh,

And say you work for Buzzfeed.

Whenever I see a woman driving a bus, I smile thinking about how far we have come as a society

And then I wait for the next bus to come

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Man in hospital bed wearing an Oxygen mask "Nurse" he mumbles "are my testicles black?" Nurse raises his penis and checks his testicles..she takes a close look and says, "They are fine Sir" Man takes off oxygen mask, smiles and says very very slowly, thanks for that, but listen very carefully,

"Are-my-test-re-sults-back?"

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Little Sally came home from school and with a smile on her face and told her mother, "Frank Brown showed me his willy today!"

Before the mother could respond, Sally went on to say, "It reminded me of a peanut."

Relaxing with a little smile, Sally's mother asked, "Really small was it?"

Sally replied, "No...salty."

Tax inspector: You should pay your tax with a smile.

Tax Payer: I have tried several times, but every time they insist on cash.

It always makes me smile when people suggest switching to the metric system.

Or should it rather make me skilometer?

Apparently a girl likes you if they make eye contact, face towards, or smiles at you.

I think my mom likes me...

Smile. It works like a charm! :)

I just made this up. Not a repost.

Your smile

I couldn't resist looking at him anymore, and told him. "Every time you smile, I feel like inviting you to my place."
He was delighted, and said. "Thank you. You are pretty as well. Are you single?"
"No, a dentist" I replied.

Even people who are good for nothing have the capacity to bring a smile to your face,

For instance when you push them down the stairs

Wanna hear something that'll make you smile?

Your face muscles.

People I Know, For As Long As I Can Remember, Have Always Come Up To Me With A Smile On Their Faces, Slap Me Playfully On The Shoulder, And Inform Me That I'm A Real People Person, And That's Always Bothered Me...

Because I Think It's A Very Demeaning Way To Refer To My Multiple Personality Disorder.

3 dead bodies turn up at the mortuary, all with big smiles on their faces.

The coroner calls the police to tell them what has happened.
"First body: Frenchman, 60, died of heart failure while making love to his mistress. Hence the enormous smile, Inspector", says the Coroner.
"Second body: Scotsman, 25, won a thousand pounds on the lottery, spent it all on whisky. Di...

Stevie Wonder calls Tiger Woods and asks, "How do you fancy a round of golf?" Tiger smiles to himself and responds, "I didn't know you were able to play, Stevie."

Stevie explains how he had a caddy put a device in each hole that emits a constant high pitched tone and he can wear an earpiece which tells him the direction and distance to it.

Tiger says, "You have to understand Stevie, I'm a pro golfer, the best in the world! It will be too much of a mism...

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A groom waits at the altar with a huge smile on his face.

His best man asks, "Why do you look so excited?" The groom replies, "I just had the best blow job I have ever had in my entire life, and I am marrying the wonderful woman who gave it to me." The bride waits at the other end of the aisle with a huge smile on her face. Her maid of honor asks, "Why do ...

Why did the Roman have a smile on his face after eating out his wife?

He was gladiator.

I told a girl she had a radiant smile

I didn't know she was from Chernobyl

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An anti-semite is drinking in a bar

An anti-semite is drinking in a bar. He notices a Jew sitting at a table nearby and doesn't like it.

"Bartender!" he says, nodding at the Jew, "A round of the good stuff for everyone except him!"

Everyone happily receives a glass of premium scotch.

The anti-semite looks over at ...

And out of the chaos, a voice spoke; "Smile and be happy, for it can always be worse"

And I smiled, and I was happy, and it did get worse.

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Why do brides smile so much at the wedding ?

No more blow jobs.

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Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face.

Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"

"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'

I said 'Sure you can have a ride in m...

Three men die with a smile on their faces.

The Vicar (V) speaks with the widows (W*) of the deceased men during the service. He walks up to the first widow.

V: “What happened to your husband?”

W1: “Well we always dreamed of winning the lottery and we finally won after 15 years of playing. He suffered a heart attack but died ha...

I always punch psychics when they smile

Its important to strike a happy medium

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An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money.

She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.


After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office.


The pres...

A lawyer saw a bunch of homeless people eating grass... He goes over and asks them why are they doing that and they tell him that they are homeless and have nothing to eat. Eager to help them out he escorts them to his mansion.. They are very happy and thankful.. He takes one look at them, smiles

And tells them "this is my yard, eat as much as you want, i won't charge you."

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A guy goes to Las Vegas to gamble And he loses all his money. He doesn't even have enough for a cab, but he flagged one down anyway. He explained to the driver that he would pay him back next time and gave him his phone number, but the driver told him, "Get the fuck out of my cab."

So he walked all the way to the airport and got home. Some times rolls by and he decides to go back to Vegas again and this time he wins BIG.
He gets his bags and is ready for the airport with all his new winnings. There are a line of cabs and at the very end he sees the driver from last time th...

A woman joins a country club and when she hears the guys talking about their golf round, she says, "I played on my college's golf team. I was pretty good. Mind if I join you next week?" No one wants to say 'yes', but they're on the spot.

Finally, one man says, "Okay, but we start at 6:30 a.m."

He figures the early tee-time will discourage her.

The woman says this may be a problem and asks if she can be up to 15 minutes late.

They roll their eyes, but say, "Okay."

She's there at 6:30 am. sharp and beats al...

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With a very seductive voice, a wife asked her husband, “Have you ever seen $20 all crumpled up?”

“No” said her husband. She gave him a little smile, unbuttoned the top three buttons, reached into her bra and pulled out a crumpled $20 note.

She then asked “Have you ever seen $50 all crumpled up?” “No, I haven’t” he said with an anxious tone in his voice. She seductively unzipped her skirt...

Heard someone say this and it made me smile

‘Thank God I’m an atheist’

There's a monkey sitting up In a tree with a big ole smile on his face

Down on the jungle floor a gecko passes by the tree and sees the monkey up there smiling real big and calls up to him and says "Hey monkey! Why you smiling so big??" The monkey calls down and says "I got this great weed, gecko! Come on up you can have some." So the gecko climbs his way up the tree a...

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A man walks into work with a smile

Every morning, he walks in and passes the security guard with a great big grin on his face. One day, bleary eyed, the security guard asks him why he's so chipper every morning.

"Well, it's simple. Every morning when my alarm goes off, I rub my wife on the shoulder and say 'Blondie, Blondie, e...

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A Nazi walks into a bar...

A Nazi walks into a bar, looks around, and notices an older orthodox Jewish man seated at a nearby table.
Barman, he says, "A round on me, for all your patrons, but not for the old Jewish geezer right there."

As everyone in the bar receives their drinks, he looks directly at the Jew with a...

A shy guy goes into a pub and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar.

After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”.

She responds by yelling, at the top of her voice, “NO! I will not sleep with you!”.

Everyone at the bar is now staring at them. Natural...

A vampire walks into a blood bar with a big smile on his face....

The bartender looks at him confused and the vampire says, "Always B positive!"

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives.

To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that'...

This made me smile for days

Absolutely devastated.
A very sad day today. After 7 years of medical training and hard work, a very good friend of mine has been struck off after one minor indiscretion. He slept with one of his patients (they were good friends) and can now no longer work in the profession he loves. What a wast...

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How old am I? I need to feel your breast..

A woman decides to have a face lift for her 50th birthday. She spends £15,000 and looks sensational.

On her way home, she stops at a news stand to buy a newspaper. Before leaving, she says to the clerk, ‘I hope you don’t mind my asking, but how old do you think I am?”.

‘About 32,’ ...

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Read this.. It will put smile on your face * GUARANTEED *

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?" "Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much a...

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A Cop Saw a Car in the Ditch.

A police officer was driving down the road when he saw a car in the ditch.

The crash appeared to pretty bad so he took a close look, when he got to the car and looked inside he saw an entire dead family. The husband, the wife, and two kids but there was an alive monkey sitting in the car.
...

A depressed person opens r/Jokes to smile a little bit...

...WORST IDEA EVER

A university student wanted to sit next to one of his teachers at lunch

However, the teacher looked at the student with an arrogant face and said:

'A swan shan't be friends with a pig.'

'Then I shall fly on,' answered the student with a smile.

The teacher was clearly vexed by the cheeky reply and decided to make sure to do everything in his power to...

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An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather Abdullah in a nursing home.

All the Arab Facilities were completely full, so they had to put him in an Italian home.
After a few weeks in the Italian facility, they came to visit Abdullah.

"How do you like it here?" Asked the grandson.
It's wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful," said Abdu...

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A young man walks into a bar, asks the barman to pour him three shots of whisky.

The barman pours them, the youth drinks all three straight down.

“Whoa” says the barman, “are you celebrating something?”

The guy smiles at the barman, “Yeah, my first blowjob”.

“Well”, the barman says, “in that case, have another one on me”.

“Thanks”, replies the youth,...

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The Italian Lover, a virile middle aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favorite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blond woman.

Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he fucked her senseless.

After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, “So, you finish?”
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied. “No.”
Surp...

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Different Boobs and Dicks

**A family is at the dinner table.**

The son asks the father, “Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?”

The father, surprised, answers, “Well, son, a woman goes through three phases. In her 20s, a woman’s breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s and 40s, they are like pears,...

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A woman goes to confession with a big smile on her face ...

She tells the priest that she and her boyfriend just had sex 10 times in a row.

The priest says "I want you to go home, squeeze the juice of 10 lemons into a cup and drink it."

The woman says "Will that absolve me of my sins, Father?"

The priest replies "No, but it'll sure take ...