My wife is not happy with me and said that I’m ‘too formal’.

I’ve sent her a letter of complaint...

A married couple leaves a formal event

He's in a tuxedo, she's in a gown. He's been drinking. He starts the car but doesn't put on his seat belt.

"Please, darling," the wife says, "you've been drinking. Put on your seat belt."

"Not when I'm wearing a tuxedo," he says.

They drive to an intersection. Across from them i...

What’s more formal than a birthday suit? NSFW

A fuxedo

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I’m formally taking a hard stance against the human body.

Until it can be consistent that a fart is just a fart, I’m not trusting it with shit.

[Prop comedy] When you're at a formal event,

roll up both ends of your tie and ask, "Which end do you think's gonna unfurl the fastest?"

After they make their guess (or sarcastic remark)--pause for effect--create the atmosphere-- and let them drop!

They'll look at the tie first, then slowly pan up to your goofy grin..

and ...

What do you have to pick in order to embarrass yourself during a formal dinner, when given a choice of four different utensils for eating fish?

Your nose.

(I made this up when trying to go to sleep at 3 a.m., please don't judge me)

What kind of fruit always has big formal weddings?

The cantelope

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.


"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."


"No problem, just let ...

LPT: An easy way to make money is to take pictures of salmon dressed in a formal outfit.

It’s like shooting fish in apparel.

The opposite of formaldehyde is

casualdejekyll.

A man who was traveling for work had a formal dinner to attend but didn't know how to tie a bow tie for his tux.

After a half hour of unsuccessfully trying to tie the tie, he suddenly realized he was going to be late. He ran out of his hotel room and into the hall and asked the first person he saw walking towards him if they knew how to tie a bow tie. The man said he did so the business traveler invited him in...

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A man comes home from a formal party with two black eyes

His roommate looks at him surprised and asks him how on earth it happened.

The man says there was a beautiful young woman wearing a formal gown at the party, and he noticed that her dress was riding up the crack of her butt.

"Obviously", he said, "that's embarrassing and I don't want ...

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In order to identify the body formally, the Los Angeles County medical examiner called in Bubba’s two close friends Jim-Bob and Joe-Bob

The medical examiner showed Jim-Bob the body and he responded with a sharp intake of breath and then said, “Oh jeez, he’s burnt to a crisp. Could you roll him over please sir?”

So the medical examiner rolled the body and Jim-Bob responded immediately saying, “No sir, that ain’t Bubba.”
...

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A US Navy cruiser anchored in Mississippi for a week's shore leave. The first evening, the ship's Captain received the following note from the wife of a very wealthy and influential plantation owner:

"Dear Captain, Thursday will be my daughter's Debutante Ball. I would like you to send four well-mannered, handsome, unmarried officers in their formal dress uniforms to attend the dance. They should arrive promptly at 8:00 PM prepared for an evening of polite Southern conversation. They should be e...

Decided to go to the gym.

I noticed a hole in my trainer, just big enough to get my finger in...


Anyway, she's made a formal complaint, and I'm now banned for life.

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Interviewer: Very impressive. Now, this is just a formality...

But how are your MS office skills.

Me: Well, you can take my Word for it, I Excel in MS office.

Interviewer: Son of a bitch, I was this close to hiring you.

So excited! Months after we formally parted ways, my ex-wife and I are getting back together!

Our divorce didn't work out.

I’m glad # is not called pound anymore.

Otherwise, the #metoo movement would be sending the wrong message.

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What should you do right after you have sex in a large formal dining room?

Tablespoon

Batman has designed a tuxedo version of his crime fighting costume so he can attend formal occasions.

It's a class action suit.

Why is knotted string formal?

It wears a tie.

A young man goes to a formal ball in Boston.

He parks his car, goes up to the venue, and he has a great time. He meets a young woman there, and the two of them hit it off.

“I came here on the bus,” she says, “Would you mind giving me a ride home?”

So obviously he says yes, and the two of them leave the venue together. When the...

What do you call the formal study of pasta?

Linguinistics.

I'll show myself out.

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A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

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A Newfie Applies for a Job.

A foreman at a construction site in Ontario is screening new applicants.

In walks a man with an odd demeanor and accent and says, "I'm after gettin this job here, I've be's findin yer ad!" and the foreman, stunned for a moment, thinks in his head 'Oh no, it's a Newfoundlander..' and while giv...

What do uou call a formally dressed fighter?

A tie-fighter

If you are wearing formal wear, try this: Roll up the big tongue and small tongue of your necktie and let them go at the same time, guess which tongue would roll out completely first?

It's a tie.

What does a formal argument and a worm on a hook have in common?

De bate.

I speak two different languages

Formal and informal

What do you call the extra fees on formal wear?

The Taxedo!

Joe Biden formally announcing his run for president

Bernie Sanders: I am running

Andrew Yang: I am running

Kamala Harris: I am running

Elizabeth Warren: I am running

Joe Biden: Me too

A bunch of insects are having a formal get together and decide to invite a simple drone worker whose sole function is to carry whatever the queen wants back to the colony...

Becoming all excited at the prospect of doing something different he decides to dress himself in the best suit there is but he cannot seem to complete the look with a half-windsor knot.

Such a complicated task required more skilled mandibles so he goes over to his boss but suddenly gets crush...

Last week I went to the AT&T headquarters in Dallas to file a formal complaint about their poor wireless coverage

When I walked into the lobby no one was there. There was a front desk with a few phones and computers. Taped to the back of one of the monitors was a note:

"Currently no receptionist in this area"

What is the most formal vegetable?

Collard greens.

what do you eat at a formal event in thailand?

black thai curry

Mark Zuckerberg refuses formal appearance before Parliament

Couldn't find a tux with a hoodie

The FCC has just made a formal announcement

If anyone keeps complaining about Net Neutrality they'll pay for it.

Pope John XXIII is going to formally become a saint on Sunday (27 April 2014). Here is a sample of his humorous quips:

1. Visiting a hospital he asked a boy what he wanted to be when he grew up. The boy said either a policeman or a pope. "I would go in for the police if I were you," the Holy Father said. "Anyone can become a pope, look at me!"

2. "It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think ab...

How did Isaac Newton formalize calculus?

He went out on a lim.

What's the difference between a formally-dressed man riding a unicycle and a casually-dressed man riding a bicycle?

Attire.

Formal chicken.

Also known as penguin.

What do you call an Italian's semi-formal shirt?

Marco's polo

I know she wanted to be cremated, and I know she didn't want a formal funeral...

...But was a "Family Barbecue" really the best idea?

Lo Siento Sir

I hate being greeted formally in Spanish because it makes me feel like I'm having a señor moment

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A young man wants to be a farmer.

He is walking around looking to start his farm. He comes across someone selling roosters. "Excuse me sir, can I purchase one of your roosters?" "Of course!" Replied the seller, "but to let you know, around these parts we call them by their formal name, a cock". The young man buys his rooster, ho...

So, as everyone knows, two different species (flavors) of cheerios cannot mate, right?

That is, if one is honey-nut and another is blueberry, they cannot mate. Anyway, there is this one normal cheerio that is in love with a blueberry cheerio. Unfortunately, he cannot mate with her. He can't even communicate with her because they are of different species. So, he invents a machine that ...

Once upon a time there were three kingdoms.

They all bordered a large lake, which created trade and travel for all three kingdoms. Eventually, the ruler of the first kingdom decided that it wanted to control the whole lake. With his superior navy, he took control. In the generations to follow, his kingdom prospered. The second kingdom tried i...

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So John can't take it anymore, so abandons society and makes to the hills.

He's happy as months go by. One day, a large, gruff looking Hill-Billy type man knocks on his door. "The name is Lars" he said. "I'm having a party tonight... wanna come?"

John: "well... I've been alone for months now, I like it but I do get lonely... Sure, I'll come"

Lars: nod. "Just ...

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The Party

When I was 8, my parents were throwing their annual formal dinner party. After much pleading, I was finally able to convinced them to let me greet and welcome everyone to the party.

One day, my parents got into an argument about the seating arrangements. The argument ended when dad called mo...

The year 2192

The year is 2192. The British Prime Minister visits Brussels to ask for an extension of the Brexit deadline. He leaves a ceremonial letter. For reasons lost in time, this letter is always unsigned. Ceremonial garb includes a suit that looks like it was made for a someone of an entirely different si...

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Wanna hear a dick joke?

Or maybe something more formal? A Richard joke?

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A science teacher takes his young student aside...

A science teacher takes his young student aside in the lab one afternoon and tells him he wants to teach him a new way of discovering knowledge and developing understanding. He is an excellent student but tends to get caught up in the strictness of the scientific method.

"It's all very well t...

After Quasimodo died, Notre Dame Cathedral needed a replacement bell ringer, and after several fruitless months a strange little man approaches one of the priests...

"I'd like the bell ringer job if it's still available." says the man. Confused, the priest says "Of course, but I'm afraid there might be some confusion. I can't help but notice that you don't have any arms, so ringing the bells would be quite impossible." The little man smiles and says "I come from...

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Three nuns die and go to heaven... [NSFW]

.. Peter welcomes them at the gate and says:

"Before I can let the three of you enter Heaven, I have to ask you a question. It will simply be formality for you, but I have to anyways". He approaches the first nun and asks "Do you have any sin to confess? " The nun looks down and confesses, sh...

A husband, wife, and son arrive at the entrance to an English royal palace for an evening dinner...

Before each guest enters the palace, a butler formally introduces each family to the guests with an announcement. As the family approaches the butler at the entrance, the butler asks:

Butler: “And your family name, sir?”

Husband: “Bates”

The butler opens the door and with loud ...

An entomologist..

Recently, a world renowned entomologist was invited by the Queen of England to a gala in honor of the top minds in science. As this was an extremely formal event, the dress code was (obviously) "white tie." The entomologist was flattered beyond belief, and, in attempt to look his absolute best, he w...

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A lawyer gets his first visitor in his new law firm.

To give the visitor an image that he is an impressive lawyer, he picked up his landline phone, pressed a few buttons and said into it, "Yes, Mr. Jones, I get the impression that you are desperate to get your house back, so can we set up an appointment tomorrow to discuss the formalities? …How about ...

A crying women walks up to man selling fruit on the street,

Man: Hey what’s wrong?

Women: My boyfriend and I tried to run away and get married but we were caught by my parents. My parents wanted a big formal but we don’t want to do that.

Man: Oh I’m so sorry, can I offer you some fruit on the house?

Women: Oh thank you, I would love some...

How does a logician explain why long lines tend to form at the restroom after a movie?

If a lot of people have to urinate, a long line will tend to form. A lot of people *do* have to urinate after a movie, and thus there is a long restroom line. Put a bit more formally:
Pee implies queue. Pee, therefore queue.

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A Young Man

Has dreams of being a sailor but has no formal education. One day a magnificent ship docks at the harbour and the man rushes to the first mate.

"Please sir, I wish to become a sailor. I have no skills or experience but I'm the most honest, trustworthy man you'll ever meet!"

The first ...

Joan Collins forced to flee fire:

The funeral director has had to make a formal apology as he could have sworn she was dead.

**Suggestion for you**

At a formal event, roll your tie up into a little bundle right below the knot. Then ask someone, "Which of the 2 flaps do you think will unravel first?" After they guess, let it unravel and go "It's a tie!".

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This guy Arty....

So there was this guy Arty. Arty always wanted to be in the mafia. This was his dream since he was young. Henry Hill was his role model. Arty had watched every mafia movie known to man, he was just waiting for the day to meet them and get in.

One day Arty sees 4 mafia members sitting around ...

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Brian is lonely and decides to hire a hooker.

He drives around until he sees a lady of the night who catches his eye. After going through some formalities she gets in the passenger seat and he asks how much she charges.

"For starters a handy is $375."

"Wow, that seems like a lot of cash for a handjob lady."

"Mister, do you...

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Jim made millions making and selling microbrew beer, and retires very rich on a farm away from the city...

...he happily lives alone for about 8 months when his closest neighbor, Mr. Johannsen, knocks on his door one evening in November.

"HELLO JIM, WANTED TO TELL YOU ABOUT A HOLIDAY PARTY I'M HAVING"

"Hey great, Mr. Johannsen, it's about time I get out and meet some people."

"WELL, ...

A young lad decided to ask his girlfriend to prom.

It was the end of the year, and a young lad decided to ask his girlfriend to prom.

Of course she wanted to go; dressing up, music, dancing, and showing off her boyfriend.

So he went to wait in line to buy tickets.
He needed some formal wear, so he went out shopping, found the right ...

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Ethiopian and French ministers of transport

The Ethiopian minister of transport visits the French minister of transport for a diplomatic and trade mission. The French minister invites the African diplomat to his house for a formal dinner and the African minister is astonished to see how big his homologue’s house is. He asks him:
“You are ...

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LAWS FOR ENGINEERS

Engineering is a science that runs on the laws of physics. We have all studied these laws in our formal education. There are other laws that are equally powerful, however. These are found through experience in the classroom of applied technology. Here is a summary of the laws of physics for your ent...

I don't get all these themed weddings you see now a days

My wife and I have just been invited to a Game of thrones themed wedding. Where the hell do I find 'formal chain mail'? And do you know how expensive it is staying in a castle!
My friend keeps telling me how much fun it's going to be. Think about what it's going to be like when everyone is dres...

It's finals week and the only question on the test is "what is 2+2?"

A philosophy major writes a long eloquent response but doesn't bother to actually answer the question.

A math major makes a formal proof that 2=2 and that addition is commutative before using the squeeze theorem to prove that 4≤2+2≤4.

An engineering major knows the answer is 4 but writ...

The Priest and the Politician

A priest and a politician arrived at Heaven's gate one day together. And St. Peter, after doing all the necessary formalities, took them to show them where their quarters would be.

First, he took them to a small, single room with a bed, a chair, and a table and said this was for the priest. A...

A joke about a guy's first day in prison, from the first joke book I ever owned.

Jim arrives at the prison where he has to serve out his 10 year sentence. After the formalities involved in processing, he was shown to his cell, which he had to share with another inmate. Overwhelmed by the thought of spending the next ten years in this miserable place, he spends most of the day in...

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So I moved into the country...

far away from civilization. At first I enjoyed the solitude; the city was over an hour away, and the night sky was magnificent!

Then I started getting lonely. It was a relief when, one afternoon, a knock came at the door.

"Ah'm yer naybor frm down t' way. Gonna be a party t'naht, yer i...

Donald Trump is so keen on his new Border Patrol Squad he recruits them all personally.

Donald Trump is so keen on his new Border Patrol Squad he recruits them all personally. A young applicant comes in and Trump greets him. 'There's no formalities here,' Trump assures the nervous young man, 'it's just a simple test. Here's a gun with six bullets. I want you to go out, shoot five M...

A police officer sitting in his car on coffee break see's a car full of penguins drive by...

He throw's his cruiser in gear, calls it in on the radio and immediately pulls the penguin stuffed vehicle over. He walks up to the drivers side door, and being far too curious for formalities and protocol bluntly asks: "What in the hell do you think your doing driving aroud with all these damn peng...

After a heavy night at the pub, a drunken man decides to sleep off his drunkenness at a local hotel.

He approaches the reception desk, takes care of the formalities and heads off to his suite. Several minutes later, the drunk staggers back to the reception desk and demands his room be changed. "But sir," said the clerk, "you have the best room in the hotel." "I insist on another room!!!" said the d...

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A blond walks in for a job interview...

She is kind of hot and the boss thinks of hiring her without the formalities. But decides to just ask her a few simple questions anyhow. "Could you tell me how old you are?" The blond starts to count on her fingers until she reaches 19. "19," she replies with a smile. The boss is taken aback and de...

will you enjoy some humour?

Q: Why doesn't law permit a man to marry a second woman?
A: Because as per law you cannot be punished twice for the same offense!

------------ --------- ---------

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long li...

The London Philharmonic is getting set up to play Beethoven's Ninth Symphony.

Everybody's practicing their parts, except for the bass players - they barely have any notes at all, just at the very beginning and the very end. So they hatch a plan: during the performance, they'll all sneak out and go to the pub for some brews. The lead bassist ties a string to the last page of t...

Compilation of short "jokes"

☐ There should be TL;DRs on Terms and Conditions

☐ I never click the top Google result if it's an advert even if it's exactly what I want

☐ The amount of battery left on my phone is proportional to how hard I've been working that day

☐ Smart watches should be able to delete your...

An altar boy goes into the confessional and says "Forgive me Father, for I have sinned."

To which the priest replies "No need to be so formal. Just call me Daddy."

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The Ambassador to England

Just after the war of 1812, an ambassador to England from the United States had been dispatched in order to maintain the peace with the English. The diplomat was invited to a formal dinner with many important members of the English Government as they discussed peace talks and opening diplomacy.
...

3 nuns die in a bus crash

St. Peter greets them in heaven, “you’ve all lead exceptional lives resisting sin and serving the Lord. It’s merely a formality, but I have to give you a short quiz before allowing you into heaven. I’ll make it quick and easy.”

To the first nun he asked, “who was the first man?”

She an...

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Alternate meanings

From The Washington Post

1. Coffee, n. The person upon whom one coughs.


2. Flabbergasted, adj. Appalled by discovering how much weight one has gained.


3. Abdicate, v. To give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.


4. Esplanade, v. To attempt an explanati...

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Elderly Scottish Jew

An elderly Scottish Jew decides to slow down and take up golf.

So he applies for membership at the local club.

After a week he receives a message that his application has been rejected.


So he goes down to the club to inquire why.

Secretary: You are aware that this is ...

This joke is my uncle Pedro's 3rd favourite...

A teenage boy is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the school formal. First he goes to rent a tux, but there's a long tux line at the shop and it takes forever.

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there's a huge flower line there. This also takes foreve...

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The Golden Toilet

A guy was invited to this lush party by his boss, a very wealthy man. He is very excited as he was born an raised poor and in poverty and had never been to a formal party before. He borrows a tux from a friend and heads to the party. The booze was flowing free of charge so the guy has more than h...

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A coachload of nuns is driving along...

When suddenly there's a huge crash and there are no survivors. All the nuns ascend to Heaven, where they are told by St. Peter to stand in a line to go through.
"Hello ladies, I'm sorry but before you go through there's a slight formality. Sister Anne, please come forward. Have you ever touched a...

An elite club in New York City hosts its annual banquet...

It is known for upholding a number of very picky rules, notably a strict dress code.

Justin Timberlake walks to the door wearing a sports coat and khakis. The bouncer says, "You didn't meet the dress code. Please leave."

Leonardo Dicaprio walks to the door wearing a collared shirt, for...

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