This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Mr. and Mrs. Potato had three daughters who were as upstanding as they were lovely. One day the first daughter came home and exclaimed, “I have an announcement to make.”

“And what might that be?” said Mother, seeing the obvious excitement in her eldest daughter’s eyes.

“Well,” replied the daughter, with a proud but sheepish grin, “I’m getting married!”

The other daughters squealed with surprise as Mother Potato exclaimed, “Married! That’s wonderful! An...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NSFW - A mother was walking down the hall when she heard a humming sound coming from her daughter's bedroom. When she opened the door she found her daughter naked on the bed with a vibrator.What are you doing?" she exclaimed. The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents an

What are you doing?" she exclaimed.

The daughter replied, "I'm 35 and still living at home with my parents and this is the closest I'll ever get to a husband."

Later that week the father was in the kitchen and heard a humming sound coming from the basement. When he went downstairs, he ...

At the steak house my wife exclaims, "Stop playing with your knife! You'll hurt yourself!" I reply, "These knives are so dull ...

A Rabbi would be furious and a foreskin would be irritated."

I cheerfully exclaimed “el mundo” to my Hispanic neighbor

... it meant the world to her

Exclaiming that this is what people will remember him by, pirate beardy beard hollowed out his peg and filled it with water.

It was his leg o’ sea.

Four Friends Are Out Golfing When One Of The Guys Exclaims He Has A Golf Ball That Is Impossible To Lose.

“What if you hit it in the water?” asks the first guy.
“The ball floats”
“What happens when you pound it into the deep woods?” asks player #2.
“It has a GPS and I can track it with my cell phone.”
“What about late evening golf when sunset has past?” ask the third player.
“The ba...

Two parents are taking their newborn son for a stroll. A passerby looks into the carriage and exclaims, "What a beautiful baby!". The father thanks the passerby, and added, "Yes, my son here is some of my best work!"

The mother, slightly miffed, asks her husband, "Why did you take all the credit? I carried this baby for none months. I delivered him after 10 hours of labor. All you did was have10 minutes of fun!"

The husband replied, "When you have a good meal, who do you thank? The chef or the oven?"<...

A newly wed couple are in bed together

A newly wed couple are in bed together.
The wife reaches over to grab her husband.

"Oh my God, it's so big" she said.

The husband gave a pleased hum.

"Are they all this big?" She asked.

"More or less," he said.

"It's halfway down your thigh!" She exclaimed.
<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nun asks a class of teenage girls what they want to be when they grow up. An anxious girl stands straight up and proudly exclaims that she wants to be a prostitute.

The nun promptly fainted.

After the other sisters help the nun back to her feet, the nun asks, “What did you say?!?”.

With a bright smile smeared across her face, the girl replied, “When I grow up, I want to be a prostitute!”.

The nun breathed an enormous sigh...”OH, THANK GOD! ...

After my friend poured ketchup in his eyes for a dare he exclaimed, “This was a terrible idea.”

Heinz sight is 20/20

“It’s a boy!”, I exclaimed, tears rushing down my face.

It was that precise moment I decided to never visit Thailand again.

I called work this morning and whispered, "Sorry boss, I can't come in today. I have a wee cough." He exclaimed, "You have a wee cough!?"

I said, "Really?! Thanks boss, see you next week!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my wife to dress up as my favourite Star Wars character for some sexy birthday fun

I walked into the bedroom that night and I was shocked,

"Babes, **Jabba the Hutt** is not my favourite Star Wars character" I exclaimed,

"Fuck you asshole" She shouted "I haven't got dressed yet"

My wife left me yesterday. She turned to me, and exclaimed “I LOVE JESUS”

And then she ran off with our gardener.

A Chinese fella bursts out of the janitorial closet and exclaims

Supplies!

Whenever I encounter a broken pipette in the lab, I exclaim...

This pipette doesn't suck.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"A teenager jumps into the bus and exclaims 'I've lost my virginity!'"

An old man says "Super! Sit down and tell us about it all."

The boy replies "Nah, my ass is still sore!"

In his grandfather's overcoat pocket, a man finds a ticket for shoes left for repair in 1955

A man is cleaning out his grandfathers home after the grandfather passed away at 90.
In one of the grandfathers old overcoats pockets he finds a ticket for some shoes that the grandfather had left to be repaired, dated from 1955.
In curiosity the man checks online and is surprised to see t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A horny gorilla sees a lion bent over a small stream, taking a drink

The gorilla runs up behind the lion, grabs on, and has his way with him. The gorilla then takes off running, with the very angry lion on his heels. As they run through the jungle, the gorilla gets a bit of a lead, and sees a British safari camp ahead.

The gorilla enters the camp, grabs some k...

I told the bartender he could borrow my blowup doll any time he wanted. "Eugh! That's disgusting!" he exclaimed.

"Yeah..." I said. "But you were pretty quick to jump on my ex-girlfriend weren't you?"

What did the bald man exclaim when he received a comb for a present?

Thanks I’ll never part with it!

After his wife passed away, he stopped wearing his glasses. His sister saw him and exclaimed: “Aww it must be so hard for you, nothing is worth seeing anymore after she’s gone?”

He said: “What? No, I sold her jewelry and paid for a Lasik surgery.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into a bar...

...he approaches the barman and asks for a whiskey and coke.

"Take this apple."

"I don't want an apple. I want a JD and coke."

"Trust me, try the apple."

The man takes a bite, and exclaims "Christ! This tastes like Jack Daniels!"

"Yup. Turn it around."

"Wow!...

The Greatest Dad Joke: Moses goes to the top of the mountain and encounters the Heavenly Father, bewildered Moses exclaims “I’m confused, I don’t know what to call you?”

Gods voice booms back “HELLO CONFUSED, I AM”

A calm, respected woman walks into a Pharmacy

As she walks in, she goes right up to the pharmacist, looks him straight into his eyes and said;

"I would like to buy some cyanide,"

The pharmacist asked her:

"why in the world do you need cyanide?"

She said:

"I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmaci...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man inherits a small fortune and vacations in the LA nightlife where he meets a gorgeous young woman.

He asks her out for a night on the town with him and she says:

"You can't afford me."

"Try me, how much for a strip show?" He replies.

"$10,000 dollars even." she says.

"You can't be serious?!" He proclaims.

"Let's take a walk outside." She replies. He agrees and t...

A smartphone user is browsing Reddit at a funeral. He asks the priest sitting next to him, "do you have the wifi password"? Looking at him in disgust the priest exclaims, "Respect the dead"!

The smartphone user replies, "all lowercase"?

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is having an affair on his wife with his secretary

One day after work they lose track of time while making love in his office. In a panic the man exclaims he must get home now or else his wife will surely know. Worried, the secretary asks what he will say. The man has an idea, and tells her to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass while h...

A man exclaims, "I would die to fulfill my quest.. to create the perfect grain blend. I would make..

..the ultimate sack of rice."

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, and go to Hell.

Ole and Sven die in a snowmobiling accident, drunker than skunks, And go to Hell. The Devil observes that they are really enjoying themselves. He says to them 'Doesnt the heat and smoke bother you?' Ole replies, 'Vell, ya know, ve're from nordern Minnesooota, da land of snow an ice, an ve're yust ha...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A farmer with one cow lives in a tiny farm with his wife, and three sons.

One morning he stepped outside to milk the cow, only to find it stiff and unmistakenably dead in its meadow. The farmer drops down in despair.

'How am I supposed to support my family without our only source of income?', he exclaims. In utter disbelief he walks to the shed, grabs his shotgun, ...

Corporal Bread is patrolling through the jungle when suddenly his squad gets ambushed. An incendiary grenade lands by his feet and explodes in a ball of flame. Private Panini exclaims, "Is he dead?!"

The sergeant sombrely replies, "He's toast"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two statues (one nude male, one nude female) sit beside each other at the entrance of Central Park…

One day, very early in the morning, an angel comes down from heaven. He looks the statues up and down, and with a flick of his wrist, \*POOF!\* he turns the statues into real people.

The man and woman stare at each other in amazement, but their attention soon turns to the angel, who's quite s...

Catholic parrots.

A lady goes to her priest one day and tells him,



"Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots, but they only know how to say one thing."



"What do they say?" the priest inquired..



They say, "Hi, we're hookers! Do you want to have some fun?" ...

A man was driving down the road and ran out of gas. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.

The bee said, 'What seems to be the problem?'

'I'm out of gas,' the man replied.

The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away. Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his gas tank. After a few minutes, the bees flew out.

'Try ...

A professional boxer has to fight a rookie. Right before the match begins, the rookie exclaims ''I think I can take that guy blindfolded!''

His coach replies "But what if he is not blindfolded?"

A blonde girl walks into a library and loudly exclaims, "I'll have a cheeseburger with fries"

The librarian stares at her questioningly and says, "Madam, this is a library."

The blonde turns red with embarrassment and apologizes.

She leans in and whispers, "I'll have a cheeseburger and fries."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England was touring an American hospital.

During her tour, accompanied by doctors, nurses, and hospital board members, she passed a room with a man furiously masturbating.

"OH MY! HOW INAPPROPRIATE!" she exclaims

"Your majesty, he suffers from a medical condition where he generates so much sperm his testicles will explode if t...

4 comrades go to a Soviet hotel for a night during a business trip...

As they walk into their room, 3 of them, whip out some vodka, food and cigarettes and begin to make jokes about the government and be very loud indeed. The 4th one is trying to get some meaningful sleep and knowing that it would be fruitless to ask them to stop, hatches an ingenious plan.
He goes...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is driving when he notices a new bar has opened up

He decides he could use a drink, so he walks in and takes a seat at the bar. He is greeted by the bartender who promptly asks him what he would like to drink. “I’ll take a... I’ll do a Crown and 7-Up,” the man says. The bartender nods his head in acknowledgement, does a quick search under the counte...

Eric is looking for a new desk for his office and he spots one that looks perfect in an antique shop window. He goes inside and asks the shopkeeper how much it is.

“That desk is going for £2000,” says the shopkeeper.

“$2000 for an old desk? That’s outrageous!” exclaims Eric.

“Ah,” says the shopkeeper, “but this is a magic desk.” He turns to the desk and asks, “Desk, how much money do I have in my pocket?”

The desk taps one of its legs on t...

Trump is visiting a class in an elementary school where they are talking about words and meanings

The teacher asks Trump if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word “tragedy”.

So he asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers, “if my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A depressed man walks into a bar

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my older brother is gay", the man replies.

Next day comes and the man returns to the bar, once again ordering six double brandy....

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend exclaimed, "Congratulations on your new job! How did you get it!?" I grumbled, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "What, a miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A biologist specialized in bovine excrement found a specimen and exclaimed

"This is bullshit!"

The Sun looked down at me, smiled and said, “Good morning. Want some light?” I exclaimed, “What a beautiful day! Thanks Sun!" The Sun chuckled, “Here’s some heat as well." Sweating, I groaned, “Wow, it's getting hot now." Menacingly, the Sun roared...

“It’s going to get hot when I expand and destroy your planet in a few billion years!"

I shot back, “Not if we destroy it first!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A priest hooks a huge fish

A priest hooks a huge fish

Helping him reel it in, a sailor says "Whoa, look at the size of that fucker!".

"Hey, mind your language!" says the priest.

Embarrassed, the sailor thinks quickly and blurts out, "Sorry father, but that's what this fish is called, it's a Fucker fish".<...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My therapist pleaded with me, “You need to go out more! Take up a hobby! Stop doing weird things!” I replied quietly, “Well, I went to the zoo." The therapist exclaimed proudly, “That’s what I mean! Did you get anything from that?!”

I slowly opened my coat and whispered, “I got this penguin..."

The perfect woman

An extraordinarily handsome man decided he had the responsibility to marry the perfect woman so they could produce beautiful children beyond compare.

With that as his mission he began searching for the perfect woman.

Shortly there after he met a farmer who had three stunning, gorgeous ...

Bob goes for a docter visit

The doctor says, “Bob, everything looks great. How are you doing mentally and emotionally? Are you at peace with God?”

Bob replies, “God and I are tight. He knows I have poor eyesight, so He’s fixed it so when I get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom, poof! The light goes on....

Credit to u/Draiu

John got a job at the local prison. On his first day, he saw a large, muscular man cranking a shaft inside of his cell. He turned to one of his fellow guards and asked, “Who’s that guy?”, referring to the man cranking the shaft.

“That’s Khan Drea. He’s in here for life, but the warden decided...

The Scotsman

An older Scotsman is standing on the sidewalk while visiting Edinburgh.
Soon enough two young Lassies approach him and say, "Good Scotsman, is it true what they say about what a Scotchman doesn't wear beneath his kilt?
"Well have a look" replied the Scotsman.
So she leans over and slo...

A soldier runs up a hill and around a corner before slamming into an officer.

“Where do you think you’re going, son?”
“Sorry, Captain! It’s crazy out there and the firefight was so heavy. I got scare and tried to go AWOL.”
“Who you calling “Captain?” I’m a general!”
“Wow!” exclaimed the soldier. “I didn’t realized I’d run that far back.”

"Theres an elephant in the room!" exclaimed my friend by surprise

"Don't mention it" I said

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A prostitute gets hit by a car...

Luckily a doctor was nearby and comes over.

"How many fingers am I holding up?" Says the doctor

"OH FUCK I'M PARALYZED" the prostitute exclaims.

A man and a woman, who had never met before, but were both married to other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the clo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man walks into an empty bar

The young male bartender greets him and the old man says "Give me a margarita, virgin"
The bartender makes for him a margarita with no alcohol.
The old man spits it out and exclaims "What's this, virgin? Where's my tequila?"
Bartender says "well sir, a virgin margarita has no alcohol"
Ol...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

According to my mom this is the first joke I ever told [NSFW text]

It's a warm summer day and an elderly gentleman and his wife are driving down the highway. They are in the midst of a heated argument; his wife has accused him of adultery. Although he is vigilantly defending his honor she is convinced that he has been cheating on her. Back and forth they shout, get...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A father got called into his sons school.

He enters the principles office, and takes a seat across the desk. The principle says to the dad, “I’m afraid I’m going to have to inform you about your sons actions today in class. Your son was caught blowing bubbles today in class.”
The father kind of sinks down into his seat. But then he real...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two Priests and Two Nuns have dinner with His Holiness, the Pope.

Two priests are fishing on lake outside of Rome. It's a beautiful day, the sun is light, and the water is smooth. Suddenly the first priests fishing rod bends alarmingly; he has hooked a huge fish! It's a struggle but he managed to reel it in. It's a beautiful rainbow coloured fish and big enough to...

A man walks into a car dealership.

A salesman greets him at the door and after some chatting they end up taking a car for a test drive.

“This car is so quiet sir” exclaims the salesman “the ride is calm and relaxing”.

The man shakes his head “No, I’m buying this car for my wife and I certainly wouldn’t describe her as...

Jack and Jim are busy stocking the aisles at Sams Club...

They're stacking pallets of Lipton's. They're about to put the last pallet on top when the forklift breaks down.
"Oh NO!", Jim exclaims, "How will we get this last pallet on top without killing ourselves?"
"Don't Worry", says Jack," just go pick up one of those disposable Bic's on the sh...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl was a prostitute, but she did not want her grandma to know.

One day the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and she was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway.

Suddenly the girl's grandma came by and saw her. "Why are you standing in line, dear?" she as...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wedding night

One guy is playing tennis and gets hit hard on the penis, causing 'penile muscle trauma'. In agony, he addresses the doctor:

\- Doctor, see what you can do for me ... I will get married at the end of the week; my fiancee is a virgin and I cannot disappoint her.

\- Don't worry, I'll t...

Little Johnny was a notoriously bad speller

He would always misspell words and just write them the way they sounded to a young child's ear. This was particularly embarrassing to his father, whose boss would always brag how clever his own son, Pete was.


One evening, the boss visited Little Johnny's house for dinner, bringing litt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Harold is 95 and lives in a Senior Citizen Home.

Every night after dinner, Harold goes to a secluded garden behind the Centre to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life.

One evening, Mildred, age 87, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed.

After a short lull in their co...

"It's a boy! " Frank exclaimed. "It's a boy!"

And he never visited Bangkok ever again.

Mike Pence walked in to the Oval Office earlier with some bad news for President Trump.

"Mr. President, unfortunately 3 Brazilian tourists in New York have been diagnosed with coronavirus."


"That's terrible!", exclaimed Trump. "What are we going to do?!"


"Wait...how many is a Brazilian again?"

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change.

The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your ...

Two guys are driving together late at night

They notice a stake in the ground on the side of the road with the letters “RE” on it. “Hmmm” they ponder, “what’s that about?”

They continue on, and they notice another. Then one more.

At this point, the passenger merely sighs out of boredom, and then passes out, exhausted.

Mea...

Jesus and Satan were arguing over whom should be able to walk the Earth...

God stepped in and told both of them to draft a detailed, 7 page, 10 font, MLA format, report as to why they deserve it. He gave them 1 day to complete the report.

As they both were furiously typing and conducting web searches, and citing away, the final hour was upon them. All of the sudd...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man comes home late in the evening, drunk and horny.

He sees a woman bent over in the living room trying to pick up something from the floor.

Unable to hold himself he proceeds to f\*\*k the woman.

Afterwards, he goes back to his bedroom and sees his wife already in bed.

Amazed at how quickly the wife came back up to the bedroo...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Mississippi boy ran to his father

A Mississippi boy ran to his father, crying with his pants pulled down and an obvious boner. “Daddy, Daddy,” he cried, “My pecker is hard and won’t go soft!”

“Don’t worry, Son, I know how to fix it,” the father replied. “Go out to the barn and get two big handfuls of cow shit and rub on it. T...

Long Joke

Ever since he was a little kid, Bob always had one goal in life: to become a train conductor. Finally when he grew up, he achieved his goal and became the conductor of the Happytown train. He was so excited to conduct the train that he decided to see how fast he can go. He went faster and faster unt...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My friend Bob hurt his back and asked me to go upstairs and get his slippers....

When I get up there, I see his wife and his sister naked laying in bed. I tell them,

"Bob told me to come up here and fuck both of you."

"No way did Bob say that!" they exclaimed.

I yelled down the stairs, "Bob! both of them or just one?!"

"Well what good is fuckin one o...

A 60 year old billionaire marries a hot 24 year old...

During the wedding party, his friends ask him, “How’d you land someone that young?”

“It’s simple,” said the billionaire, “I faked my age!”

“I mean, I’m 43, and there’s no way I could land her!”, a friend exclaims. “What age did you tell her you were?”

Smiling mischievously, th...

My favorite Finnish joke

Pekka is at a party in a tall building in the great city of Helsinki, which is quite different from the small timber cabin in the forest he is used to as a lumberjack. Pekka is enjoying the party, but after a few bottles of the moonshine he brought, Pekka finds himself in the need of a toilet. He as...

An Irish Republican Army soldier lies on his death bed.

One day, an IRA soldier lies on his death bed, dying of cancer. It's spread too far and couldn't be stopped. The doctor gave him his diagnosis, and only three days to live.

"Quick Moira," he says to his loving wife. "Enroll me as a member of the Ulster Volunteer Force."

"But why?" She...

A Scot and an Englishman walk into a bar.

The Englishman orders a large whisky. The Scot says "I bet you a quid I can drink your whole whisky without touching the glass or using a straw". The Englishman is intrigued at how the Scot could possibly do this, so he agrees. The Scot takes the glass and finishes it in one swig. "But... you did to...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work"...

A woman went to the doctor and said "I'm not sure what the problem is, but my vagina doesn't work".

The doctor had a thorough examination and was amazed.

"I've never seen anything like this" he said. "You can't have sex, you couldn't give birth, and it doesn't look like you can even us...

So aliens from Mars comes down to Earth...

...And they're friendly! The leaders of the world and the aliens plan a huge televised event where the leaders can ask questions on whatever they want.

During this event, the pope is up to talk to the aliens.

"I know this question may sound odd to you gentlemen," the pope starts to ask...

During Soviet times, an elderly woman was waiting for the bus.

When it finally arrived she exclaimed "Finally, glory to God!" The driver said, "Comrade, you must not say that. You must say 'Glory to comrade Stalin!'." "Excuse me, comrade," the woman replied. "I'm just an ignorant old woman. From now on I'll say what you told me to." After a while, she continue...

A man walks into a bar and sees a sign that says, "Free Beer For Life If You Can Pass Our Test!"

He asks the bartender, "What's this 'test' you have?" The bartender says, "Well first, you gotta chug a gallon of pepper tequilla. Next, you have to go out back and pull the sore tooth out of our angry alligator. And finally, we have a girl up stairs who's never slept with a man, and you gotta go ma...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man in the USSR goes shopping

He wants to celebrate with his wife the beginning of the nineties and want to organize a big meal.

He asks the butcher for some beef to which he replies.

"Sorry comrade, we do not have any beef"

The man then decides to go to another butcher down the street but he also tells him ...

A plane was about to crash, and a woman stood up, took off her top, and exclaimed "Before this plane goes down, is there a man on board who will make me feel like a woman before I die!?"

A man stood up, took off his shirt and threw it at her, and said

"Here, iron this!"

The Legend Of The Bacon Tree

The year is 1541 and the French have just begun colonization in North America. Young Jean-Luc is in his newly crafted home when suddenly his friend Jean-Pierre bursts through his front door. 'Jean Luc!' he exclaims. 'You weel nevar believe! I 'ave 'eard word of a bacon tree!'. Jean-Luc looks confuse...

Two Frenchmen are going for a walk one day, when they happen upon a swimming pool filled entirely to the brim with loaves of bread.

The first, who happens to be a baker, exclaims "Mon amie, what a beautiful sight! I'm going to dive into this pool."

The second says "I'm not sure that's such a good idea. If you hit the bottom, you're going to be in a lot of pain."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Legless Parrot

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any legs."What happened to this parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm defective."

"Wow," the guy replies. "You actually understood and answered me!"

"I happen to be a highl...

I was cutting up a homemade pizza and exclaimed "wow, this cheese is stringy"

My four year old daughter's reply

"Stringier than a yo-yo"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Write it down, folks. It's a good one!

From the legendary Hal Roach:

Paddy Flanagan is the first man in his small country town to buy a motorcycle and he takes his friend Seamus for a ride.

They are buzzing along through the glens and hills when Seamus begs for a break. "The wind is coming through my jacket and cutting me ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Soon after 9/11, an Arab leaves behind a suitcase at a train station

Standing nearby is a blond-haired blue-eyed white man who immediately notices this. He walks up to the suitcase and the zipper's not completely closed, so he takes a peek inside.

He sees electronic gizmos, what looks like a timer, and a huge pile of cash. He grabs the suitcase and chases down...

An old Latvian anecdote

Part 1:

So a Latvian, Russian and Englishman are on a plane and as the plane is circling around the airport they are beginning to get a little nervous when the pilots voice suddenly sounds "the plane is too heavy to land we need to drop some weight or else we won't make it to the airport" and...

It had been raining non stop for weeks

A fellow was stuck on his rooftop in a flood. He was praying to God for help.

Soon a man in a rowboat came by and the fellow shouted to the man on the roof, "Jump in, I can save you."

The stranded fellow shouted back, "No, it's OK, I'm praying to God and he is going to save me."
...

A guy walks into a psychiatrist's office and exclaims "I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam! I'm a teepee! I'm a wigwam!"

Psychiatrist says "Calm down! You're two tents!"

A politicain wanted to confirm that his son was really his son or had his wife been unfaithful.

He creates a setup. He places a $1000 bill, a glass of whiskey and a gun on a table. He then calls his son in. His son barges in "Hey Dad"

He shows his son the setup and tells him to choose.

The son without a second thought picks up the bill, puts it in his pocket. Without further ado,...

A wise old gentleman retired...

...and purchased a modest home near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment. Then a new school year began.

The very next afternoon three young boys, full of youthful, after-school enthusiasm, came down his street, beating merrily on every...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Piano Bar Needs a Piano Player NSFW

A man is walking down a busy street in St. Pete and see a chalk board sign out front of a pub that reads “Piano Player Wanted”.

The man walks into the bar and it’s empty other than the bar owner setting up chairs in front of the stage with a piano on it. The owner says “sorry sir we don’t o...

A woman goes out boating one day...

A woman takes the boat out one afternoon, but does not come back. The next day, her husband answers a knock at the door to two grim-faced State Troopers.

"Good afternoon sir, regarding your wife we have some bad news, good news, and really great news. Which do you want to hear first?"
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man walks into his bedroom to find his wife having sex with another man

Shocked, he exclaims “What the hell are you two doing?”

The wife smiles, looks at her lover and says “See, I told you he was stupid!”

A man comes home drunk from the bar and realizes he doesn't have his house key

So he knocks on the door and his wife answers. She looks him up and down and exclaims, "Drunk again!"

"Don't worry, Honey," he says reassuringly, "I am, too."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man find himself feeling really, really, very horny but also short on money.

Nevertheless, he heads to his local bordello in search of some relief.

He walks in, goes to the nice lady at the front desk, and slaps a $5 dollar bill on the counter. "Lady, this is all the money I got, but I really need some satisfaction, if you get my meaning. What can you do for me?...

A patient wakes up from surgery and exclaims 'Doctor! Doctor! What's wrong with me? I can't feel my legs!'

The doctor replies: Yes, well I'm afraid we had to amputate both your arms.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two old friends see each other in town

“Fred? Is that you?” Dave exclaims. “I haven’t seen you in years! How are you?”

They have a conversation and soon Fred brings up another friend they haven’t seen in a while.

“I saw Jane the other day,” Fred says.

“Who’s Jane?” Dave asks.

“You know, Plain Jane. Small, thin...

A kid is with his mom at the checkout lane at a store...

All of a sudden a fat guy gets in line, so huge he can barely squeeze his way through the lane. The kid starts tugging on his mom's shirt and loudly exclaims "mommy mommy look there's a fat guy!" And the mother quickly hushes the child.

Then some time goes by, and the fat guy has an alarm se...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gambler gets a notice from IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says:

"The reason for your audit is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle, but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do fo...

A hairlip gal at the prom

A hairlip gal at the prom was sitting waiting anxiously for someone to ask her to dance. Jimmy, who had a wooden eye was having problems of his own getting a dance. It was getting late so Jimmy sheepishly walked over to the gal and asked, "do you want to dance"? She stood up and exclaimed , "would i...

Sweet dreams

Three homeless men wake up beside eachother on a park bench. The man on the left exclaims, 'I've just had the most wonderful dream, I dreamt I was given a handjob by the most beautiful brunette!'. The man on the right, surpised, says, 'What a coincidence, I had a similar dream but in mine it was t...

A little boy who was overweight because he loved eating more than anything in the world asked his dad at the dinner table: ”Dad, where does sausages come from?”

Dad replied: ”Well son, there’s a machine that takes a pig and makes a sausage.”

The son remained unimpressed. Annoyed he exclaimed ”That’s stupid. It would be cooler with a machine that takes a sausage and makes a pig.”

Pondering his life choices, the dad sighed. ”My son, that’s not a...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father...

After Mrs. Jacobs found out her husband was sterile, the couple decided to hire a proxy father to start their family. On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Jacobs kissed his wife and said 'I'm off to work, Lydia. The guy should be here soon.'

Wouldn't you know it, a door-to-door baby...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Missing Cock [nsfw]

The village priest went out to collect his freshly laid eggs on Sunday morning and realised his cockerel was missing.
At morning service he decided to ask his parishioners if they had seen it.
"Has anyone got a cock?" the priest asked.

All the men stood up!
"No, no," said the priest,...

I walked into the doctor's office the other day.

He told me to sit down; I obliged.

He then told me to pick a star sign, any star sign, which was slightly weird but I obliged.

"Capricorn!" I exclaimed until he quickly responded with:

"Nah you have cancer!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A vampire walks into a bar.

A vampire walks into a bar, he goes over to the bar and says"Bartender I would like two shots of blood." The bartender reaches behind the bar, and pours him two shots of blood.

Another vampire overhears, and decides he would like two shots of blood. The bartender once again pours him two shot...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The magic hand. (Long)

A man was going to be going out of town for a while on a work trip, and wanted to make sure his wife didn’t cheat on him. So he decided to go to a sex toy shop to get her something to entertain herself with while he’s away. He enters the store and describes his predicament to the shopkeeper. “If you...

A parrot flies into a bar and says "I'll have a coconut rum, please." A patron nearby exclaims "Hey look, a talking parrot!"

Then he realizes, "Oh yeah, parrots can talk."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"Do you want to see a nice clock?" I said, lowering my trousers, "That's not a clock!" She exclaimed when she saw my dick...

It will be when you put two hands and a face on it!

My first original joke. Feel free to critique

Prince William, Catherine, and their children were all enjoying dinner one evening. The food did not sit well, and everyone but Catherine was experiencing gas later that night.

“I’m surrounded by a bunch of tooters!” exclaimed Catherine.

William said, “Dear, we’re not Tudors - we’re WI...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy has lost his eye in an accident

He can't afford to get a glass eye, so his doctor says,

"Well, I have an old wooden eye I could put in. I could paint it to look like the other one."

The man agrees and lets the doctor implant the wooden eye.

Later, he decides to "test" his new eye and goes to a club.

He ...

Four Moles Are Burrowing Under A Bakery

As they get closer to the surface, the first mole in the line sniffs deeply and says, "Mmmmm, I smell cookies!"

They dig a big further, and the second mole raises his noise and says, "Wow, I smell cake!"

The dig goes on another few minutes, and the third mole finally smells something a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A young muslim boy asks his dad " what are you wearing on your head?"

The father said: "Why, my son, it is a 'chechia.' In the desert it protects our heads from the intense heat of the sun.”

"And what is the long flowing robe you are wearing?” asked the boy.

“Oh, my son!” exclaimed the father “It is very simple. This is a 'djbellah.' As I have told you, ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Some jokes never get old... (Not mine)

Some jokes just NEVER get old LMAO

An Irishman, a Mexican and a blond guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the 20th floor of a building. They were eating lunch and the Irishman said, "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and cabbage one more time for lunch I'm going to ...

Husband and wife in the car , the husband was driving , the wife exclaimed loud : I'm so mad at you , I won't talk to you ever again .

The husband replied : Promise ?

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race

It's the end of the 2016 presidential race and the people of the United States hated the candidates so much that nobody voted. The government is in a panic trying to figure out what to do to decide who the next president will be. Finally, Barack Obama comes up with an idea: a literal presidential ra...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There are 2 farmers, Jim and Bob, sitting in a Bar having a beer..

Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is met with the Dean of Administration, who is explaining to Jim what classes he is going to take.

"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," t...

A man walks into a bar and exclaims...

"I bet anyone here five dollars that I can bite my own eye!"

The man receives a multitude of five dollar bills but to the annoyance of the givers of the five dollar bills, the man grins and pulls out his glass eye. After biting the eye, the man buys a drink and exclaims for a second time......

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Brushing 3x a day

Mom walked into the bathroom one day and found young Mickey furiously scrubbing his dick with a toothbrush and toothpaste. “What the hell do you think you’re doing, young man?!” she exclaimed.

“Don’t try to stop me!” Mickey warned. “I’m going to do this three times a day because there’s no w...

A German named Lars and a Korean named Wan-Wan travel to America.

As they’re walking the streets of New York, Lars gets hit by a car.

Wan-wan exclaims “Lars! Do I need to call the emergency!?!?”

“*Nein*, Wan-Wan.”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy walks into a bar.

He says to the barman, is that Trump and Cruz over there? Bartender says, "Yep that's them" so the guy walks over and says,wow this is a real honour! What you guys doing here? Cruz says, We're planning World WW111, guy says, really what's going to happen? Trump says, We are gonna kill 140 million Mu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Wrong place

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good “house of ill repute.” He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St., the office of a chiropodist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised bu...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A paternity test

A friend of mine were called in to a paternity test.

So he went to the local doctors office and did a blood test.

He was later called back in for the results.

When he heard he wasn't the father he smiled brightly and exclaimed : it isn't important to win, but to participate!

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man at a Bar Throws Up All Over Himself

A man was at a bar, drinking beer after beer until he was sick and involuntarily threw up on himself. Disgruntled, he went to the bartender for help.

"Man, my wife is gonna kill me if she finds out I got so drunk that I threw up on my shirt. Is there anything you can do to help me?"

"I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A nurse puts her hand in her pocket, finds a rectal thermometer and exclaims....

"Some arsehole's got my pen!"

A guy goes fishing out of season and gets caught

So this guy goes fishing out of season for some delicious endangered fish he read about.
After a long day with no luck he finally snags one on the line. He gets it in the boat and sure enough the fishery officer who was watching from afar puts on his lights and motors his police boat over.
“I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Two guys wander into a bar...

One of the men shouts to the bartender, “Hey Mike - set ‘em up for me and my pal here.” Then he turns to his slightly dim-witted friend and boasts “This is a great bar. For every two drinks you buy, the house gives you one. And the pinball machines in the back are free!” That’s not so great”, re...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Canadian drove into the US in hopes of visiting Orange County.

He stopped at the first gas station he saw and asked the attendant for directions.

“Orange County?!” exclaimed the attendant. “You’re in fucking New York! Get out of my station, you crazy son of a bitch.”

The Canadian left, puzzled by the attendant’s impoliteness. He decided to drive ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An old man was feeling horny, but the nursing home he was in never allowed any of the residents to be left alone with one another...

One day the nursing home manager announced that all the residents would be going out on a day trip and all but a couple of the nurses and staff would be going too. This was his chance!

The old man had his eye on a particular lady resident and he took her to one side and told her that if she ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man and his wife are at home working on gardening and landscaping ...

The husband looks over and sees his wife bent over and exclaims, "Damn, honey! Your ass is huge! I bet it's as big as our gas grill!"

The husband quickly runs and grabs his tape measure. He measures the width of the grill and then measures the width of his wife's ass, "Yup. Just as I thought....

A man is nailing siding onto a house, but he throws away every second or third nail he picks up.

The boss says "you're wasting nails, why are you throwing so many away!?"

"They are pointed on the wrong side" says the employee.

"You idiot" the boss exclaims, "those are for the other side of the house".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man suspected his wife of cheating on him. (A long one, but a good one)

He suspected his wife was having an affair and cheating on him during her lunch hour at work. One day, he decided to leave work at lunchtime to try and catch her in the act. When he arrives at his apartment he yells out “honey! Are you here? I thought we could have lunch together!” Sure enough, the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This man figured his wife was cheating on him

So he decided to go to the pet store and find an animal that could somehow tell him what was going on while he was at work.
He asked the pet shop keeper if he had anything of interest. “I’ve got these talking grey parrots, but they’re 5000 dollars each” the shop keeper said. “Way too much” as the...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So a ventriloquist is on stage telling jokes at a local bar with his dummy on his leg. He asks if the audience wants to hear a blonde joke and the audience cheers with general enthusiasm...

“Ok” he starts, “how many blondes does it take to screw in a lightbulb?”

But before he can finish, a blonde woman from the audience stands up, outraged.

“How dare you! How dare you generalize us like that just based on our hair color!”

The ventriloquist apologizes profusely ex...

Forrest Gump dies and goes to Heaven.

He is at the Pearly Gates, met by St. Peter himself.
However, the gates are closed and Forrest approaches the Gatekeeper.
St. Peter says, "Well, Forrest, it's certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we've been ad...

Feel old yet?

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that old.". Well . . . you'll love this one..The stuff is from a lady called Amy

"My name is Amy. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.

I noticed his ...

So there were 3 Mathematicians and 3 Engineers...

... and they were all traveling to the same conference. At the train station, the mathematicians each bought a train ticket, and the engineers only bought one to share between the three of them.

"What a bunch of idiots," the mathematicians said. "When the ticket master comes through, they'll ...

A man with dentures goes to the dentist.

He explains to the dentist that his dentures don't feel right anymore. The Dentists sits him down, does a brief examination and exclaims, "what in the world? Your whole partial plate is corroded and like it was eaten away by some chemical. " The Dentist asks, "are you on a weird diet or somethin...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, "Hang on! You're a duck."
"Yep," replies the duck.
"And you can talk!" exclaims the barman.
"Yep again”, says the duck, "Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?"
"Certainly, sorry about that”, says the barman as he pulls th...

Three guys die and go to heaven

St. Peter meets them at the pearly gates, and announces "welcome to heaven. it is a vast and holy place. I will assign you a vehicle based on how faithful you were to your spouses"

The first man walks up and is given the keys to a beat up 1989 Honda Civic and St. Peter says to him "you cheate...

Please note that this site uses cookies to personalise content and adverts, to provide social media features, and to analyse web traffic. Click here for more information.