UPJOKE
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A man is buying a banana, an apple and two eggs. The female cashier says: "You must be single." The man answers: "Wow, how did you know that?"

Cashier: "Because you're ugly:"

A weasel walks into a bar. Bartender says “WOW I’ve never served a weasel before what can I get for you?”

“POP” goes the weasel

My boss arrived at work in a brand new Lamborghini. I said “wow that’s an amazing car.”

“If you work hard, put all your hours in, and strive for excellence, I’ll get another one next year.”

Two nuns were riding their bicylces down the backstreets of Rome, one old one and one young one. The young one sighs and says "wow, I've never come this way before"

The other nun said “It’s the cobblestones.”

My wife beamed at me with pride and said, “Wow! I never thought our son would go that far!“

I said, “This catapult is amazing! Go get our daughter.”

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My cake day joke - A man goes to a bar and orders 10 shots of jaeger. The bartender says wow, thats a lot, you celebrating?

The man says yes! My first blowjob!

The bartender says congrats! Why 10?

The man says *if that won't get the taste out, nothing will.*

A friend of mine said, “Wow! Your wife and your daughter look like twins.”

I said, “Well, they were separated at birth.”

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We should have a TV show where illegal immigrants hunt down sex offenders for a chance at citizenship

We can call it "Alien vs Predator"

\[EDIT\]: Wow I can't believe the amount of people who would want to make it a reality. *Netflix if your seeing this post you know what to do.*

**If you want, you may follow this post - I may update it in the future if something exciting happens.** <...

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I though‌‌t t‌‌o myself‌‌, "Wow‌‌! Tha‌‌t coul‌‌d hav‌‌e bee‌‌n me!"

The‌‌n ‌‌I remembere‌‌d ‌‌I don't know how to driv‌‌e ‌‌a bus

[Old Indian Joke] Rinky :"Wow,you went on a 3 week honeymoon to Milan,Barcelona and Paris. What did you see?"

Pinky :" Ceiling fans"

Guy is at the doctor.

He says "Doc. I can't fart. I feel like I'm gonna explode because I'm so full of gas, but I just can't fart."

So the Doc says "Okay show me."

So Guy pushes really hard and tries his best to make a fart. Eventually he makes a little fart that goes "Pfft, honda."

The doc has a l...

"Wow! It's your cake day, repost your favorite joke!"

"No thanks. I won't be doing that today."

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans

A redneck is hiking through the woods with two Native Americans. They happen across a cave. one of the Natives yells, "Whoop! Whoop!"

Another voice calls from the cave. "Whoop! Whoop!"

The man strips naked and runs into the cave.

"What was all that about?" The redneck asks...

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a good one from my dad

A guitar player walks into a bar trying to score a gig.
He meets with the bar owner for his audition, and proceeds to play a beautiful melodic song.

"Wow!" Said the owner, "that was amazing! Whats it called?"

"Its called 'You're slapping my wifes titties with a belt'" replies the gu...

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A blind girl was giving me a handjob once

She says "Wow, this is the biggest dick I've ever layed my hands on!"

I'm like "Nah, you're just pulling my leg"

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My favorite sex position is called WOW.

It’s where I flip your MOM over.

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One day a man, who had been stranded on a desert island for over ten years sees an unusual speck on the horizon.

"It's certainly not a ship", he thinks to himself.

As the speck gets closer and closer he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.

Suddenly, emerging from the surf, comes a drop dead gorgeous blonde woman wearing a wet suit and scuba gear.

She appr...

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Wow, that's possible?

Apparently a man in Australia, who was so drunk that he was kicked out of the bar,
decided to go to a local zoo where he climbed into the enclosure of a
5m saltwater crocodile and tried to ride it.

It almost defies belief.

I mean, how fucking drunk would you have to be to get kic...

Everything's Big in Texas

A Texan goes to a bar and buys everyone a round of drinks, exclaiming that his wife has just given birth to their first child "a Texas sized" baby boy weighing 24 pounds.

Congrats came from all over the bar and folks saying "Wow"

Two weeks later, the Texan returns to the bar. The bart...

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[NSFW] A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there was sex after death.

After a long life together , the wife was the first to die and true to her words, she made first contact.

W: "Darling. Darling."

H: "Is that you my love?"

W: "Yes , I've come back like we agreed"

H : "That's wonderful! What is it like in the afterlife? Is there sex?"<...

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A father buys a lie detector that slaps people when they lie. He decided to test it out at dinner one night.

The father asks his son what he did that afternoon. The son replies “I just did some homework.” The robot slaps the son. The son then says “Okay, okay. I was at my friends house watching a movie.”

Dad asks “What movie were you watching?” The son replies “Finding Nemo”. The robot slaps th...

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A man asks a farmer if he can work for a night's lodging and a meal.

Farmer gets a knock on his door, it's a man in his mid-thirties who looks like he's been traveling a while. The man asks if he could earn a meal and a place to stay for the night.



"Do you have any skills?" The farmer asks.



"Well, I do have a rare gift -- I can communica...

Magic Frog

A man takes the day off work and
Decides to go out golfing.

He is on the second hole when he
Notices a frog sitting next to the green.

He thinks nothing of it and is
About to shoot when he Hears,

Ribbit 9 Iron.'

The man looks around and doesn't
See a...

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A man walked into a bar and bet the bartender he could amaze him

The bartender says “I’ll take that bet!” and slaps down $20

The man reached into his pocket and pulls out a really small chef. This little chef starts cooking some food.

The bartender says “Wow! He’s got to be less than a foot tall! I am amazed” and gives the man his 20

The bart...

A guy starts working at a bakery

He's handed his rota and his eyes lighten up: "Great, it's dinner-roll day!". The supervisor is puzzled to see such enthusiasm for so mundane a task as baking dinner rolls, but sure enough, the new guy goes to it with zest and panache and is soon turning out dinner rolls the like of which the superv...

The Queen and her protection officer were walking through the park in Balmoral (TRUE STORY as told to me by a close source)

As they walked they were approached by an older American couple. “Afternoon, isn’t it lovely here, do you come often?”

“As I matter of fact I live nearby actually.” replied her majesty as her PPO shifted uncomfortably.

“Wow, have you ever met the Queen?!” asked the eager tourists.
<...

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Disabled legless Parrot. With a bargain.

A guy is browsing in a pet shop and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, "Jeesh. I wonder what happened to this Parrot?"

The parrot says, "I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot."

"Holy shit," the guy replies. "You actually...

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God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

A Montana cowboy was overseeing his herd in a remote mountainous pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of a dust cloud toward him.

The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, Ray Ban sunglasses and YSL tie, leans out the window and asks the cowboy, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?" The cowboy looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his peacefu...

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Nate and the chicken

Nate had just gotten out of prison, after serving a 5 year sentence for drug possession. He wanted to get laid, so he went to a brothel. The rates were well out of his price range, as he only had $20, but the madam of the brothel said, "Ok. I'll cut you a deal. We have a chicken you can fuck. Now, I...

jokes about the war in Ukraine I heard in Romania

Putin dies and goes to hell, but a few years later he gets permission to leave hell and to visit Moscow for a day -

Goes to a pub in Moscow, orders a few drinks and asks the bartender:

Crimea is still ours ? - Yes, bartender says

Donbas is still ours ? - Yes, ours

Is Kiev...

A man having a chat with a barman says 'My wife made me a millionaire'. The barman replies 'Oh wow, what were you before that?'

'A multimillionaire' replies the man

An electrician gets tired of being looked down upon for his profession

so he uses the money he has saved up to become a doctor.

As a resident, he always stood out amongst a crowd that was still mostly younger rich kids who could afford medical school somehow right out of high school and undergrad.

One day in particular, the hospital fire alarm got yanke...

Wow, this vein is full of ore!

That's probably why he died.

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A depressed man walks into a bar.

He approaches the bartender and says, "I'll have six double brandy." The bartender replies, "You must've had a really tough day!"

"Yeah, I found out that my dad is gay", the man replies.

The following day, the man returns to the bar looking much sadder than before, ordering another six...

When my next door neighbour started throwing chunks of chicken, lamb, beef & pork off his roof, I thought “Wow...

...a meatier shower”.

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A girl was a prostitute, but she didn’t want her grandma to know.

One day, the police raided a whole group of prostitutes at a sex party in a hotel and the girl was among them.

The police took them outside and had all the prostitutes line up along the driveway when suddenly, the girl’s grandma came by and saw her granddaughter.

Grandma asked, “Why ar...

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On a fine Monday morning Dave the postman was walking around his usual root, delivering mail.

He saw that at the next house both cars were in the driveway, he’s a bit shocked by this but he sees the homeowner, Greg, walking out with a ton of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles to go into the recycling bin.

Dave looks for a moment and then says “We’ll damn, you guys sure had one hell o...

What did the Reddit user say after setting the bomb off in a bank?

Edit: Wow! This blew up , thanks for the Gold!!

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A guy walks into a bar and sees a jar of 100$ bills on the counter

He asks the bartender "Hey, what's with the jar?"

The bartender replies "Well, we have a running challenge here in the bar. It has three parts. If you look at the end there, you'll see Big Jim. Big Jim is the baddest motherfucker in town. You have to knock Big Jim out."

The guy looks d...

Two idiots go on a fishing trip

They rent all the equipment - the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune.

The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this u...

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Wow! I had amazing sex for an hour and 40 seconds last night!!

Thanks daylight savings time!

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Little Johnny’s teacher was starting a lesson on multi-syllable words.

She thought it would be a good idea to ask a few children for examples of words with more than one syllable. Jane, do you know any multi-syllable words? After thinking for a while, Jane proudly responded, “Monday”. Great, Jane, that has two syllables, Mon-day! Does anyone know any other words? I...

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A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer...

A man goes into a bar and orders Kingfisher Beer.

Lady next to him - What a coincidence, I also ordered the Kingfisher.
Man - I'm celebrating.
Lady - Me too.
Man - What a coincidence! Why are you celebrating?
Lady - My husband & I have been trying 4 yrs for a baby. Tod...

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The World's Oldest Golf Joke

Joe and his buddy go golfing every Saturday.

One day, while they are on the third hole, a funeral caravan passes by on the adjacent street. Joe stops playing, takes off his hat and stands quietly as the procession passes.

His buddy says, "Wow, man, I didn't know you cared about funera...

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First time i had sex, when the girl pulled my pants down she yelled "WOW THAT'S LIKE A HORSE"

Very proud i said: "It's that big huh?"

She replied: "NO IT FUCKING STINKS"

A couple celebrate their 25th wedding anniversary by staying at a hotel.

The couple walk up to the front desk to check-in.
Receptionist: Hello, how can I help you?
The husband holding his wife's hand: I would like your most beautiful room please.
Receptionist: Sure! For how long would you like to stay?
The Husband: 1 night please.
Receptionist: One whole n...

A bodybuilder takes off his shirt and starts flexing in front of a blonde woman. She exclaims...

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

"He says, "Solid dynamite, babe."

He then takes off his pants and the blonde says, "Wow, what massive calves you have!"

He flexes his leg muscles and says, "Like I said, pure dynamite, sweetheart."

Then he removes his underwear and the ...

A policeman was interrogating 3 guys who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first guys a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The first guy answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!"

The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture I showed is his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second guy and ...

Wife: what are you getting me for our 10 year anniversary?

Husband: Im taking you to Africa

Wife: wow that's amazing I always wanted to go there. Then what you would get me for our 20th?

Husband: I will pick you up

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A Blonde woman is walking two dogs, one White and the other Black.

An Old lady walking down the same street notices them and since it's a breed she's never seen before, she's curious and walks up to the woman. "Wow, these dogs are adorable. What kind are they?". The Blonde smiles and goes "Which one, the white one or the black one?".

The old lady is a little...

A couple is taking a tour through the Natural History Museum. They ask the tour guide: "How old is this dinosaur skeleton?"

He replies: "It is sixty five million and fourteen years and three months old."

"Wow! It's amazing that you can tell this precise. How do you do that? Is it with carbon dating?"

"I don't know" says the guide. "But when I first came here they told me it was sixty five million years old....

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I asked a Chinese girl for her number.

She said, "Sex! Sex! Sex! Free Sex Tonight!". I said, "Wow, you're easy". Then her friend said, "she means 666-3629".

A guy goes in to join the circus.

The ringmaster looks at him and says, "This isn't like the old days, kid. We don't just take anyone off the street anymore. You have to have some kind of unique talent."

The guy pleads with him, "Just give me a minute and I'll show you what I can do."

The ringmaster says, "Ok, you have...

A woman goes to the store to buy a parrot as a family pet.

As she walks into the pet shop, she asks the owner, “How much are your parrots?” The owner replies, “The orange one is $150, the yellow one is $150 and the red one is $30.” The woman asks, “Why is the red one so cheap?” The owner replies, “He used to work at a strip club.”


The woman decid...

A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow! Your gorgeous, how come your still single?"

"It's spelled 'you're'," I replied.

Wife: Honey, what will you give me for our 25th anniversary? Husband: A trip to Paris. Wife: Wow! That’s wonderful! How about for our 50th?

I’ll pick you back up.

Neighbor: “I’ll have you know our lawyer has a $50,000 retainer!”

Me: “Wow, how bad are his teeth?”

You can't lose this ball

Two golfers are about to play 18 holes when one of them says he's going to the pro shop to buy some golf balls, and asks his friend if he needs any balls.

His friend says, "No thanks, I have a ball."

The golfer says, "You only have ONE ball?? You're going to lose that, and then what w...

3 Alien leaders are discussing the fate of humanity

After a successful invasion of earth, the leaders of the armada joined together to discuss the ruling of the planet. Each of the leaders had a different idea on how what they should do with the surviving humans.

"These humans are dangerous," said the first. "We all know the losses we took to ...

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A man is driving down the highway at 60 mph when a three legged chicken passes right by him.

In shock, he decides to follow the chicken down this dirt road. He sees the chicken run onto this farm and into barn. The man gets out of his car and goes to the front door to speak with the farmer.

“Sir, I’m sorry to bother you, but I was driving down the highway doing atleast 60 mph when I...

A guy walks into a bar

A guy walks into a bar and orders a glass of red wine. The bartender's therapy dog leaps to his feet, races across the room, runs down the stairs to the wine cellar and within moments returns with a lovely bottle of cabernet savignon in his jaws which he drops gently at the bartender's feet. "Wow, t...

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So Liu Kang faces Shang Tsung in Mortal Kombat…

After a long, brutal battle, Liu goes to the bar to celebrate his victory with his buddy Kung Lao.

Kung Lao asks: What happened to you? Why are you covered in red?

Liu Kang replies: Ah, it is the blood of Shang Tsung! He is defeated!

A week later Shang challenges Liu to a remat...

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Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope..

Two young guys appear in court after being arrested for smoking dope.

The judge says, "You seem like nice young men, and I'd like to give you a second chance instead of jail time. I want you to go out this weekend and try to convince others of the evils of drug use. I'll see you back in court...

My girlfriend just yelled at me: "You weren't even listening just now, were you?!" I thought,

"Wow. What a weird way to start a conversation."

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Three vampires are having a competition to find out who's the most vicious vampire amongst them.

The first one says, “Watch this,"


  
He flies fast, at about 100 miles/hour. After 10 minutes, he comes back with blood all over his mouth.


 

“What happened?" asked the other vampires.


  


“Did you see that house over there?" he inquired....

Guy meets a Pirate in a bar.

He is missing an arm, a leg, and an eye. I mean stereotypical pirate.

Guy asks, "I got to know, how did you lose the leg?"

Pirate says, "arg, I was hunting a big-ol whale and a rope snatched 'round me leg and tore it clean off."

Guy says, "Wow, so- so how did you lose the arm."...

A Woman Goes To Buy (Another) Parrot

A woman goes to buy a parrot. The shopkeeper brings her three parrots to see.

"This parrot is a marvel. It toured with the Royal Shakespeare Company. It can recite any play by Shakespeare on command, doing different voices for each part. It's yours for only $200"

"That's amazing, but I...

A man dies and arrives at Heaven

As he's standing at the Pearly Gates, he notices a huge wall of clocks behind St Peter.

He asked, "What are all those clocks?"

St Peter replied, "Those are lie clocks, every time someone tells a lie, the hands on their clock move."

"Oh! Whose clock is that?" He says pointing....

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It's the 50th wedding anniversary for this elderly couple. The wife says. "Honey what did you think the first time you laid eyes on me? He says "I thought, wow. I want to suck her tits dry and fuck her brains out!" She says..

"What do you think now"
He replies.. "I think I did a pretty good fucking job!"

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On Air Confession

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this. Many Chicago folks DID hear this on the WBAM FM morning show in Chicago. The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes. The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or serio...

I said, "You're welcome", as I put a plate in the dishwasher. My wife said, "Wow, thanks for doing the bare minimum."

I responded, "Hey, it's the least I could do."

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"Wow, this is interesting." I said to the wife, as I scanned the web page...

"It says here that although less than half a dozen giant squid have ever been seen alive, scientists believe there may be over five hundred million of them in our oceans."

"Why the fuck are you telling me this?" She snapped. "You're supposed to be looking up some cool tattoo designs for my ar...

A young man watched as an elderly couple sat down to lunch at McDonald’s.

He noticed that they had ordered just one meal, and an extra drink cup. As he watched, the old gentleman carefully divided the hamburger in half, then counted out the fries, one for him, one for her, etc, until each had exactly half. Then the old man poured half of the soft drink into the extra cup...

A beautiful blonde goes out with a bodybuilder.

Things go well and by their 4th date, she wants to take it to the 'next level'.

They reach her apartment and, after a nice dinner, begin to kiss and take their clothes off. The blonde says,

"Wow, what a great chest you have!"

He says, "100lbs of dynamite, babe!"

He ta...

Two women who recently died were waiting at the Gates of Heaven

Woman 1: “So, how did you die?”

Woman 2: “I froze to death.”

Woman 1: “Wow, that must’ve been so painful. I’m so sorry.”

Woman 2: “It was, but after a while you go numb & don’t feel as much. How did you die?”

Woman 1: “Well, I thought my husband was cheating on me. So...

Patient: Doc, every time I open my eyes, I have this weird urge to throw up!

Doctor: Wow. This is the worst case of see sickness I have ever encountered.

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I told my buddy I was getting married.

I told my buddy I was getting married and he said, "Welp, no more blowjobs for you."

And I said, "Really dude?! Wow... Just because I'm getting married you're not gonna suck my dick anymore?!"



Source: Rob Stant

A woman goes to the doctors complaining of stomach cramps. She gets sent off for some test and comes back a week later. "Well, I hope you're ready for endless sleepless nights of crying and changing dirty nappies!" the doc says. "Wow, you mean I'm pregnant?" the woman replies thrilled.

Doc says, "No, you've got bowel cancer."

My 9 year old son asked "Daddy... why is mummy called Teresa?"

Me: "Oh, well that's easy! You see, your mummy really really, REALLY loves Easter... Teresa is an anagram of Easter, see?"

Using a pen and paper I showed him once more - Easter....Teresa.

Him: "Wow dad that's SO cool! Thanks dad!!"

Me: "Hey, no problem Alan"

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Two guys lost in the woods

Two hunters are lost in the woods and looking for a way back to town. As they wander through the forest they come upon train tracks. It's decided that one would follow it south, the other would follow north. If neither found civilization after five miles, they would turn around and meet back up.
...

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An retired elderly couple visit London..

They get picked up from the airport in a london black cab and head off into the city for some adventure.

The cab driver say "where you from guvnor?"

Husband. "we're from South Africa"..

The wife is a little hard of hearing asks her husband.

"What did he say?"

The ...

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Sitting in a bar

enjoying a drink a man is surprised when a stunning blonde sits down next to him and says "Hi Steve!"

"Well hello, gorgeous. How did you know my name? I'm certain I'd remember meeting you!"

"Steve, don't you recognize me? It's DAVE!"

"Dave?! Dave the quarterback from high school...

Temptation (Severe pun warning)

My best friend was getting married to his long time partner Edith.

Some of his friends took him to a bucks/stag night away. While at a bar he was approached by a beautiful woman who whispered in his ear.

He smiled and whispered back in her ear.

She frowned and walked away. ...

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A genie grants a man one wish

"Budget cuts" said the Genie.
The man knew he had to make it count.
He said, "I wish I knew the answer to every question I'm asked."
The genie gave a nod then disappeared into a cloud of smoke.

The man didn't want to immediately melt his mind with the answers to the universe. Startin...

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Two boys walk into a crowded store...

They wait patiently for their turn until the shopkeeper asks them loudly,

"How can I help the young gentlemen?"

"A box of rat poison, please."

"Many rats, right?"

"Yes."

"Are they big?"

"Mostly."

"How big are they?"

"Like this."

"Then yo...

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Karate Dog

A man walks into an exotic pet shop and is surrounded by animals he would not consider as normal pets: foxes, tigers, tarantulas, monkeys. He sees a dog in a crate in the corner.

He asks the shop owner, "why is there a regular dog in an exotic pet shop?"

The owner replies, "it's actual...

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Three men in a bar were bragging about their performance

The first man says “I’m so good at satisfying my wife, she floats an inch above the bed afterwards”

The second man quickly responds, “That’s nothing. After sex, my wife floats a full foot above the bed”.

The third man snort laughs, “I’m so good that after sex, my wife hits the ceiling”...

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A priest was fishing in the old country when he caught a really big fish...

He hauled it up on the bank and this guy walked up and looked at it. He looked over at the priest and said, "Wow, that's a big son of a bitch!" The priest looked over and said, My son, I'm a man of the cloth. You shouldn't talk like that." The guy looks at him and says, "That's what we call those fi...

A couple of blondes got lost at the mall.

So, they go to the map, where they see a red arrow that says, "YOU ARE HERE."

One of the blondes looks at the others and says, "Wow! How do they know that?"

Alice brings her friend Kelly over to her house for the first time

They go into the kitchen where Alice offers her a cold soda and opens the fridge.

Kelly sees a pretty-looking cookie jar on the windowsill and goes to pick it up and admire it. "Wow, this is really beautiful." she muses as she opens the lid. "..but, uh.. what's this stuff inside it?"

"...

A naked cowboy wars into a bar.

Bartender says " I say,...I say boy why don't you have any clothes on ?"

Cowboy says "I found the most beautiful girl in the barn laying in the hay with her legs spread.

Bartender says "Wow! but what's that got to do with you being in front of me with your dingle dangling?"

The ...

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A guy gets put in a nursing home by his son. He doesn’t know if he’s going to like it at first, but he decides to give it a shot for his son’s sake.

The first morning in the nursing home he wakes up with a hard on. Out of nowhere a beautiful nurse's aide walks in, bends over & blows him without saying a word.
The guy gets on the phone with his son and says, "Son, I love this place! Thank you so much for putting me in this nursing home....

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What could possibly wrong with Hitchhiking Nun

Neil is a skilled truck driver and drives the freeway every day. But Neil wouldn't be Neil were it that he sings a song every five minutes: "I'm Neil and I fuck behind the wheel".

And he sings this every five minutes.

At one point, Neil sees a nun hitchhiking along the highway. Neil ha...

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Three guys are waiting in line to get into Heaven.

St. Peter calls out to thee tree guys: "We don't have a lot of space in Heaven, so who ever tells be the most interesting death stories will get in!" The first man walks up and begins his story. "I came home one day from a bad day to find my wife naked on the bed. I suspected that she was cheating w...

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Two dogs are sitting in a field.

First dog turns to the second dog and says damn man you smell like shit! Have you been rolling in shit?

Yep.

Wow. That is foul. Is it like a compulsive behavior?

Nope.

Do you do it to cover your scent up, like to ward off predators?

Nope.

Is it some weird ...

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A man and a woman who had never met find themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper berth and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying,……….

“Ma’am, I’m sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to...

Old lady gets pulled over by a cop for driving slowly

While thinking she's on perscription medication and needing to do a field sobriety test, he asks to have her get out of the car, and almost jokingly asks if there are any weapons in her vehicle. She tells him "Sure, Sonny, as a matter of fact, I do. I have a Kimber 1911 in the center console, a Gloc...

Two old ladies Dolly and Ruby were talking about their grandchildren.

Dolly said, "Each year I send each of my grandchildren a card with a generous check inside. I never hear from them... never receive a thank you message."

Ruby replies, "I too send my grandchildren a very generous check. I hear from them within a week after they receive it. In fact, they each ...

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I was desperate and I couldn't get a date with a girl to save my life until...

I swiped right on a blind date, a profile picture. She asked me to pick her up, so i did, but I wasn't expecting much. I went up to the door expecting 400 lbs of desperation, but she answer the door 5 foot 2 with baby blue eyes, strawberry blonde curls and all the right curves in all the right place...

There was a snail named Sam

He was friends with a worm named Juan.
One day, he told Juan,” You know, I’m gonna buy myself a nice sports car, with an S on the hood, for Sam!”

“No way, you can’t afford that!” Juan said.

That afternoon, Juan couldn’t believe his eyes! Driving down the boulevard was Sam in his swe...

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I went on a date the other day and told the girl “Wow you must be the most beautiful woman I’ve ever seen”

“You just want to fuck me!” She exclaimed

I responded “Wow you’re smart too!”

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It's Catherine and Michael's 15th Wedding Anniversary

>**Catherine:** "You know what, You've bought me enough jewelry the past 15 anniversaries, so this time I'm gonna make it all about you."

*Catherine decides to take Michael to a strip club as a special little gift. They arrive at the strip club, and are greeted by the bouncer at the do...

Jon Arbuckle and Garfield have a serious conversation…

After a particularly satisfying lasagna dinner, Garfield is feeling curious about his life and how he came to be.

“Jon, where did my name come from?”

Jon Arbuckle looks instantly sorrowful and begins to tear up.

“I wondered when you would ask me that, old pal,” he responds, soun...

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Man vs Owl

A man was invited to his best friend’s Bachelor party and told his wife he would be back by midnight at the latest. The wife, who didn’t like him going out by himself with his buddies for a night of fun told him “midnight, not a second later or there will be hell to pay”

But of course there w...

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