That awkward moment when at the end she wanted a handshake, but you went on for a full french kiss

That job interview wasn’t really going anywhere, anyway.

The CDC advises to avoid handshakes.

Jeffery Dahmer: AWWW

News Anchor: The CDC has advised no handshakes at this time.

Cannibal: "Aww..." *STOPS BLENDER*

Jeffery Dahmer is in his kitchen, using his blender...

... when his phone goes off in his pocket. It was a notification from the CDC:

"The public is still advised to avoid direct contact from others through cordial gestures during this pandemic, such as hugs or ***handshakes.*** "

"Awwwwww..." Jeffery mopes, as he turns off his blender.

Interview with the Pope and a Rabbi.

I am a reporter for a major monthly publication.
Generally I write human interest articles.
Last year I was given the privilege and granted an interview with the Pope.

Upon entering the Pope's office I was greeted warmly with a handshake and a hug.
The pope and I had an amazing conve...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Both President Trump and his handshake can be described the same way

An inappropriate and overly-aggressive yanky jerk that baffles foreign heads of state

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Gunny's Gun (a military joke)...

U.S. Armed Services recruiting efforts are slipping. They've advertised, offered college money, granted large bonuses to new recruits... all to no avail.

So, the Joint Chiefs of Staff all get together one day at a tavern in Washington D.C. to brainstorm a solution. After many hours of back an...

Experts have decided on a caption for the famous photo of Trump and Putin's first handshake

They settled on "Grabbing America By the Pus*y"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

When celebrating with porn stars handshakes are best....

High fives can give you the clap

What do cannibals serve at the beginning of a dinner party?

Handshakes.

man coronavirus is real..

you gotta start using UDP over TCP to avoid handshake

I take my wife goes to Hooters.

I found out my wife had never been to Hooters before so I thought I would take her there and let her see that it wasn’t all that it was made up to be. So one early afternoon we headed over to the Hooters restaurant to get a few wings. It was crowded like it always is and we were ushered to a table i...

What is a cannibal's favourite shake?

Handshake

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.

The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom, and said "Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”

“But I'm a college graduate!” the young man replied indignantly.

“Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realize that" said the manager. "Here, give me the broom - I...

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Different sayings same thing

1. Having a threesome with a couple of no-shows.

2. DJ the VJ.

3. Dopamine farming.

4. Double clicking your mouse.

 5. Badgering the witness.

6. Summoning the semen demon.

7. Blood bending.

8. Shaking hands with the unemployed.

9. Making Jesus ...

Why did the cannibal die of COVID-19?

Too many handshakes

Why did Jeffrey Dahmer keep a blender on his front porch?

So he could greet visitors with a handshake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my doctor if coronavirus spreads through sex

"if you do handshakes while doing it, yeah"

A blind date

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man was pressured by his parents to attend a formal gathering...

Everything was going fairly well. He was largely being ignored, which was for the best so he avoided saying anything to embarrass himself.
Unfortunately, he had been holding in a nearly full bladder full a while and it could not wait until the end of the party. he had no choice but to walk up to ...

How does a cannibal say hello?

He offers you a handshake.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob knows a lot of people

Bob's a factory worker, and one day, the boss is showing a bunch of Japanese investors around the factory. One of them sees Bob, and they promptly exchange handshakes and start talking like long lost friends. Afterwards, Bobs boss asks him what that was about. Bob just replies 'oh, I know him from a...

How do you make your anti-vaxxer enemy leave you alone forever?

Give them a handshake then show them a picture of snot on your hand

What is a zombies favorite dessert?

A handshake

A man and a woman hailed the same cab at the exact same time…

“Pardon me,” said the man. “You go ahead. I’m only going to the restaurant row. I’ll grab the next one.”

“Restaurant row?” the woman responded. “What a crazy coincidence! That’s where I’m headed as well. Maybe we can split the fare?”

“Oh, no thanks. I’m going to this little hole-in-the...

An elderly man goes to his bank to get a loan.

The associate, a long time friend of his, greets him with a hearty handshake and asks him what the loan is for.

The man replies, "Well, I'm getting a mail-order bride, and I'd like to upgrade my ranch for her arrival."

"Well, how old will your bride be?"

"She'll be 23 when she ...

a man wakes up on a merchant ship after a night of heavy drinking

upon waking, he is greeted by the ship's captain, who offers him a hearty handshake and a loaf of bread.

The man quickly realizes he's been shanghaied and asks when and where he will be able to get back to shore.

the captain laughs and says, "well it's going to be a few months young ma...

I've never actually been caught smoking weed.

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.

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Green Glitter

One afternoon, after another un-exciting day in high school, a girl decides that she wants to start dating. Knowing she needs his approval, the girl goes to ask her dad. Dad responds, "I will test these boys on the first date, somehow, someway, to be sure that they are right for you!" Frustrated, sh...

a cannibal's favorite drink

What drink does a cannibal have after a long day? a handshake!

What do cannibals and politicians have in common?

They both enjoy handshakes.

Heard this one from my trumpet playing band director

Does anyone know the Trumpeteer handshake?
"Hi, I'm better than you"

What do you get when you stick your hand in a blender?

a handshake

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Meta Dick Joke

It appreciated the firm handshake.

Ok not seriously, here's the joke:
A young pre-teen boy understands he will be pubertized in the next few years. He turns to his father, a doctor, for advice. He says "You're a logical doctor. What does it mean to be a man?" The doctor thinks about it a b...

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