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Loves Jokes

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"

He said, "Yes."

I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?"

He said, "A Christian."

I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?"

He said, "Protestant."

I said, "Me, too! What franchise?"

He said, "Baptist."

I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Bap...

"Jesus loves you" is a wonderful thing to hear in church.

But a horrible thing to hear in a Mexican prison.

I read on Facebook there is a Canadian political party leader that everyone loves

It's probably not tru-deau

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Bob loves tractors…

Bob’s wife threatens him with divorce if he doesn’t seek help for his obsession with tractors.

He fucking loves tractors. He has tractor-branded t-shirts, ties, socks, bags, glassware, posters, multiple subscriptions to various tractor magazines. You name it, he’s got it.

Fearing losin...

I think my wife loves yoga more than she loves me.

When I want her to do something, she'll only do it if it fits into her schedule. Meanwhile, she'll bend over backwards for yoga

My son Luke loves that I named my children after Star Wars characters.

My daughter, Chewbacca, not so much.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What gets long when you jerk it,fits between boobs,slides in a hole and loves to be pulled?

A seat belt you pervert

Me at age 10: "I wish I was a dog. They're always happy, get to run around all day, and everyone loves them!"

Me at age 24: "I wish I was a dog. I'd have died by now."

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My grandpa loves jokes and over quarantine he sent us an extensive list of jokes. He called these ones groaners. Please enjoy. ( NSFW warning I don’t know how to tag it)

I lived in a houseboat for a while and started seeing the girl next door. Eventually, we drifted apart.



My boyfriend tried to make me have sex on the hood of his Honda Civic. I refused. If I’m going to have sex, it is going to be on my own Accord.



A man tried to sell ...

She LOVES her husband

Jack wakes up with a huge hangover after attending his company’s party.
Jack is not normally a drinker, but the drinks didn’t taste like alcohol at all. He didn’t even remember how he got home from the party…
As bad as he was feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.
Jack had to force...

My wife loves making pickles

She has asked me to grow some of the ingredients for her recipe in the garden to save money, but they haven't been producing very well.

It's been a real up dill battle.

God Loves Drunks Too

A man and his wife were awakened at 3:00 am by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3:00 in the morning!"

He slams the door and returns...

Jesus loves you!

Great if you're Christian!
Not so great if you're an inmate in Mexico...

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I told my wife that I would like to get a penis tatoo that says "My wife loves this long schlong"

She told me to stop putting words in her mouth

Mikey loves tractors

It's coming up to little Mikey's 5th birthday and his dad asks him what he'd like as a present. "TRACTOR" says Mikey. Makes sense, thinks his dad, kids love tractors. So he buys him a little toy tractor and Mikey is over the moon, takes the little tractor with him everywhere.

Coming up to Mik...

My wife loves deserts!

At a party, a young wife admonished her husband, “That’s the fourth time you’ve gone back for ice cream and cake. Doesn’t it embarrass you?”

“Why should it?” answered her spouse. “I keep telling them it’s for you.”

I met a girl who is a solid 10 but she loves Stranger Things.

Now she is an 11.

My wife loves doggy style.

I sit up and beg. She rolls over and plays dead.

What Do You Call a Young Pirate Who Loves to Play Music?

A Cee Minor!

My girlfriend used to smoke after we made love

so we started using lubricant

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Jesus Loves Fish

God went to Adam one day and said:

"Hey man, who has been shitting near the Durian fruit I created last week. I told you guys not to disturb new creations for a week, at least. Now they will smell like shit for all eternity. They need a week undisturbed. Anything you add to them before that c...

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Everyone loves birds, but men and women have different favorite species of birds

For instance. Men have falcons, eagles, vultures etc as their favorite

But women have great tits.

Your dog loves you more than your wife does.

Want proof? Lock them both in the trunk of your car. Let them out an hour later and see which one is happy to see you.

What do you call a weatherman who loves steak and watches?

A meaty horologist

What do you call a mandalorian who loves cheese?

Feta Bob

My epileptic son loves our new Christmas tree.

You should see how excited he gets when we turn on the lights.

What do you call a fish that absolutely loves washing itself?

Cod in a bath romance

The polar bear loves ice...

The bipolar bear sometimes love, sometimes don't

I finally understand why everyone loves Gal Gadot

She Israeli hot.

Son: why is my sister called Teresa?

Dad: Coz your mum loves Easter - it's an anagram

Son: Thanks dad

Dad: No problem Alan

It’s great that Turkey is providing heavy armoured vehicles to Ukraine.

Everyone loves tanks giving turkey.

What country loves EVs?

Madagascar

Mad a(t) gas car

What mom loves...

Son: Mom, why is my cousin's name rose?

Mom: Well son, your aunt really loves flowers!

Son: Mom, what do you love?

Mom: Richard, stop asking so many questions!

What would be the best compliment to someone who loves running?

"You look dashing." lol >w<

What animal loves and hates the Arctic?

The Bi-polar Bear

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Galactus loves his planets

I bet he enjoys eating Uranus

What do you call a well behaved dog that loves cheese?

A Gouda-Boy.

What do you call a dinosaur who loves synonyms?

Thesaurus

Every body loves guns!

Everytime I show them mine, they give me free stuff.

Did you hear the joke about the dentist who loves tooth extraction?

[removed]

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Karen loves astrology

Karen: Doctor, I've not been feeling well lately

Doctor: Well, I've looked at your lab reports and I'm afraid I have some bad news...

Karen: Don't give me this lab nonsense, you bureaucratic paper pusher! I don't believe Western medicine anyways! I've been following homeopathic medicin...

She loves me... She loves me not... She loves me... She loves me not..

Happy Ambivalentine‘s day!

A girl is waiting for a letter from her soldier boyfriend.

Finally, she gets it. Excited, the girl opens the envelope. However, instead of a letter, a small note falls out. She picks it up and reads:

*Your boyfriend loves you, but babbles way too much.*

***Security.***

What do you call a genie that loves to gamble?

A djinnerate.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Gay parents are awesome!

* "Hey dad, why is my sister named rose?"
* "Because your other dad loves roses"
* "Thanks dad"
* "No problem, Richard"

Jesus loves you

Great thing to hear in church...

... not so much in a Mexican prison.



(heard in the tv-series Flesh and Bone)

My new girlfriend loves bees.

She's a keeper.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A Man Who Loves His Wife... [NSFW]

A man who loves his wife decides one day to get a tattoo to commemorate their love.

He decided to get a tattoo on his penis of his wife's name, Wendy. So he goes down to the tattoo parlor and gets a big WENDY in all capitol letters down the length of his shaft. He goes home, and his wife love...

What do you call death who loves jokes?

The grin reaper

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you know Bill Cosby loves pudding?

Pudding his dick where it doesn't belong

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

4 tips for guys for successful relationships

It’s really important to find a woman that you love and who loves you the same.

It’s really important to find a woman that sexually excites you and that she feels the same about you.

It’s really important to find a woman who will care for you and that you will care for her, in sickne...

My friend loves playing Roulette, so I figured I would introduce him to Russian Roulette.

Blew his mind.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca and his brother Boba Fett are less amused.

I hear that Chad Kroeger from Nickelback, absolutely loves to take part in Nativity plays. He's played a shepherd, the inn keeper and one year, he even played the rear end of the donkey...

But he never made it as a wise man

My wife loves Call The Midwife but she recently discovered The Crown...

It's just the last ten minutes of the pregnancy

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