The saying "say no to drugs" has always made me laugh.

If you're talking to drugs, it's probably too late to say no to them.

Two people were walking home after a Halloween party and decided to take a shortcut through the cemetery just for laughs. Right in the middle of the cemetery they were startled by a tap-tap-tapping noise coming from the misty shadows.

Trembling with fear, they found an old man with a hammer and chisel, chipping away at one of the headstones.

"Holy cow, Mister," one of them said after catching his breath, "You scared us half to death -- we thought you were a ghost! What are you doing working here so late at night?"

"...

My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

What did Neil Armstrong say when people didn't laugh at his moon jokes?

I guess you had to be there

Why do Dwarves laugh when they run?

Because the grass tickles their balls!

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Can a crappy dinosaur joke get a laugh?

You bet Jurassican.

Can a Mongolian make you laugh?

Genghis Kahn.

(No idea if this is an old joke or not. I told it in a dream I had last night so I'm claiming as original).

Three guys are at the bottom of God's 100 steps stairs. He tells them that he will say a joke at every step: if someone laughs, this person goes to hell; if someone gets to the top, he goes to heaven.

The first guy laughs at the 10th step, he goes to hell

The second guy loses at the 51st step, he goes to hell

The last guy starts laughing at the 99th step, before God even said the joke, so God asks him why he laughs and the guy answers:I just understood the first joke.

Today, I tested 10 people to come up with a pun and see if they could make me laugh

No pun in ten did

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

How many tickles does it take to make a squid laugh?

Ten-tickles!

How many tickles does it take to make a male octopus laugh?

Eleven.

It's usually ten-tickles, but an extra one is counted for the test-tickle

Why didn't the cow laugh at my joke?

He wasn't very amoosed because it was udderly lacking in humor, he had herd it before, it wasn't very mooving, it was cheesy and I milked the punchline a bit too much. Definitely wasn't moosic to his ears. He still gave me a pat on the back though, which put me in a better moood.

I was at a j...

My son asked me why I was whispering all quiet.

I told him I thought the CIA was listening. He laughed. I laughed. Amazon Echo laughed.

A clown bets an old man $100 he can make him laugh. Man says "Sure, it won't happen"

Clown asks: "What do you call someone posing as a fake Italian chef? An im-pasta"

Man doesn't laugh

Clown asks: "What do you get when you cross a tiger and a bear? A tiger and a bear seeking revenge."

No response

Clown asks: "Which super hero asks the most questions? Wond...

How do you make a blond laugh on monday?

Tell her a joke on tuesday

Jokes about Peter Pan will always get a laugh

Because they never get old.

I don’t often tell Dad jokes.

But when I do, he laughs.

So I saw a guy get hit by a car today and I couldn’t help but laugh

It was ironically a Dodge

I told my friend 10 jokes to get him to laugh.

Sadly, no pun in 10 did.

Why does no one laugh when Queen Elizabeth farts?

Coz noble gases got no reactions!

Omg! My first gold. Thank you so much.

Why did the atom not laugh at his friend's joke?

It was no laughing matter...

My friends probably don’t think I would hit them in the face with an obscure vegetable just to get a laugh

Let’s just say they are in for a rutebega’ning

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An old holocaust survivor dies and goes up to heaven....

He asks God,
"How do you get a girl's number in Auschwitz? Roll up her sleeve."
God doesn't laugh.
The Jew shrugs and says, "Eh. I guess you had to be there to understand".

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck..

and everyone inside dies. They then get to meet their maker, and because of the grief they have experienced, he decides to grant them one wish each before they enter paradise. They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what the wish is. "I want to be gorgeous," and so God snaps his fingers, an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

Why does water never laugh at jokes?

It isn’t a fan of dry humor.

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A Woman goes to buy a Parrot.

The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays the $15.
When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.
When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me,...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Opposite word for 'laugh' is 'sex'.

Laugh is 'ha ha ha'.

Sex is 'ah ah ah'.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A bear walks into a bar...

The bear says: “I’d like a whiskey and............................coke please.

Bartender says: “Why the big pause?”

Bear replies: “I was born with them.”

Edit:
Thanks for the upvotes! I actually lived this joke right before posting while making dinner for my kids (changed t...

When Amy Schumer was growing up and she told people that she wanted to be a comedian, people laughed at her.

No one is laughing now.

You know I read a wild statistic the other day that said like a woman is 70 percent more likely to laugh if she finds the dude attractive

At least I know I’m funny

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A political joke that makes everyone laugh.

One day, North Korea decides that they wish to invade America by destroying it from the inside. They decided to scrap the idea when they realized that there is an entire political party already trying to do that.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

They say to win a girl’s heart, you need to make her laugh.

That’s why my first move is always a dick pic.

People always laugh at my car because it looks like a fruit...

But at least I avocado!

Kevin had just gotten a new car and was out for a drive

when he accidentally cut off a truck driver. Truck driver motioned for Kevin to pull over.

When Kevin did, the driver got out of his truck and pulled a piece of chalk from his pocket. He drew a circle on the side of the road and gruffly commanded to Kevin, "Stand in that circle and DON'T MOVE...

Whenever you get caught stupiding in public just smile, laugh,

And say you work for Buzzfeed.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man walks into town and offers anyone $1000 if they can make his horse laugh.

People line up and try to make the horse laugh, they tell jokes and make a fool of themselves, but to no avail.

As the man is preparing to leave for the day a mysterious man walks up and asks if he can try, the owner agrees. The mysterious man walks up to the horse and whispers something int...

Tell a man a joke and he'll laugh for a day.

Tell a redditor a joke and he'll repost it for a lifetime

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A woman walks into a pet store..

She sees a beautiful parrot with a sign on its cage: $10 OBO The lady asks the pet shop owner, "Why so cheap?" The owner says "This bird used to live in a brothel, so he says a lot of inappropriate things." The lady can't pass up the deal and decides to get the bird anyway. She gets the bird home an...

How do candy lovers laugh?

They snicker

Hey! Vsauce, Michael here.. What is.... a joke?

There are dozens of people reading this joke at any one time. And some will upvote, most will downvote, and some will comment about, well, anything.... and everything. But why are they here?

You see, most people on r/Jokes have never actually laughed at a joke on this sub. They expect someon...

Why did the mountain laugh?

Because it was hillarious!

A hitchiker is taken by an elderly couple in an RV. During the trip, the husband, driving the vehicle, says "152", and the couple laughs. Then the wife says "365" and they also laugh.

The hitchhiker then asks "What's the deal with these numbers?"

The old man replies: "We've been telling each other jokes for such a long time that we memorized and numbered them all, and now only refer to them by numbers."

A few minutes after hearing that, the hitchhiker says "984", an...

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes...

A fisherman walks into /r/jokes where he meets a bartender. The bartender offers him a drink. The fisherman says he does not have money to pay, so instead he offers a trade-- if he can get the bartender to laugh at his joke, then the bartender should provide a drink for free. The bartender, a smug, ...

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

Only Scandinavian Joke they will laugh at

What’s the difference between Norway and Sweden?



Sweden has a nice neighbor.

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

How does a graphic designer laugh??

Hue, hue, hue