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Laugh Jokes

Tell a man a joke, he will laugh for a day

Tell a Redditor a joke, he will repost it for a lifetime

Edit: Thank you kind Redditor for the Gold

My Hawaiian HOA passed a noise ordinance so strict that I can't even laugh out loud.

All i can do is a low ha.

My dentist reminded me of my wife's sensitive gag reflex. We laughed & laughed.

Then I remembered that my wife & I have different dentists.

My girlfriend and I often laugh about how competitive we are.

But I laugh more.

What did Neil Armstrong say when no one laughed at his moon jokes?

“I guess you had to be there.”

How do you make a blonde laugh on a Friday night?

Tell them a joke on Monday.

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My first ever dirty-ish joke I ever heard, still makes me laugh….. A man is visiting his elderly father in a care home

The man asks how his father is settling in.

“Oh, it’s wonderful son, I’ve made some great friends, I’m well rested and at night the nurses give us a hot chocolate and a viagra before bed every night”.

When, leaving, curious to know about the viagra, he asks a nurse.

“Excuse me,...

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten-tickles.

Of course it only has 8 of those.

So the first two were test-tickles!

Why did no one in the King's court laugh when the king farted?

Because noble gases don't cause a reaction.

I used to make jokes at work during meetings, and I could really get people laughing. Then COVID hit, and all our meetings were online. I'd still make jokes, but no one would laugh...

Not one. At first, I thought it was just because everyone was muted. It turns out, they didn't find me remotely funny.

If you boil a funny bone it becomes a laughing stock.

That's pretty humerus.

My daughter just told me this and it made me laugh more than it should have...

Teacher: What was that noise?

Student: Sorry, my jacket fell on the floor.

Teacher: Why was it so loud?

Student: Because I was wearing it when it fell.

Why couldn't the chemist laugh at the queens fart?

Because noble gases are nonreactive.

Why did Leonardo DiCaprio laugh at the Oscar joke?

Because he finally got it

Do they allow laughing in Hawaii?

Or just a low ha

From my niece, who doesn't know why grownups are laughing at her joke...

All of Snow White's seven dwarfs were in a hot tub, feeling happy.

So Happy got out.

She's six. Don't know where she heard this.

When she was growing up, everybody laughed when Amy Schumer said she wanted to be a comedian...

Nobody's laughing now.

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A good bar joke that always makes women laugh

Jack woke up with a huge hangover after attending his company's Christmas party. He didn't even remember how he got home from the party.

As bad as he as feeling, he wondered if he did something wrong.

Jack had to force himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he saw was couple of ...

I told a joke about miscarriage to a group of women, but none of them laughed.

I guess it was a bad delivery

I told a joke about Coronavirus and nobody laughed

Except that Chinese kid in the back. He got it.

How many times do redditors laugh at a joke?

Twice: once when they read it, once when they post it.

My friends laughed at me when I told them I had a hot date and they said she was imaginary...

Well the jokes on them – they’re imaginary too...

My wife laughed when I said I still had the body of an 18 year old.

Until she checked the freezer.

Make her laugh and you’ll have her heart.

Unless she’s laughing at your bank account……

r/jjokes

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"Of course I won't laugh," said the nurse

"I'm a professional. In over 20 years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Ok then," said Bob, and he proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the smallest male part the nurse had ever seen. In length and width it was the same size as a AAA battery.

Unable to control herself, the nurse...

At ten feet I told the the joke and everyone laughed. At twenty feet, same result. At fifty feet no one heard me...

Guess I went a little too far with that joke.

Two Canadians die and end up in Hell. Satan decides to pay them a visit, so he walks into their room and sees them talking and laughing. Confused, he asks them why they're happy.

They tell him, "Well, we're so sick of the cold where we're from, and this place is nice and toasty."

Satan, annoyed, storms away and goes to Hell's boiler room, where he turns up the temperature.

He goes back to the Canadians' room, along the way being begged by all sorts of people to...

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Tomorrow I'm having skin grafted from my butt onto my hand and I cope with humor. Make me laugh.

I'm going to have to ask my girlfriend if she wants to try butt stuff just so we can hold hands.

The surgeon's going to hand my ass to me.

If I high five someone did they technically smack my ass?

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It was getting crowded in Heaven one day, so Saint Peter decided for one day to only accept people who could make him laugh.

A man came walking up to the pearly gates and Saint Peter said to him:

“Alright bud, you’re only getting in today if you can make me laugh, so why don’t you tell me about how you died”

The man looked at Saint Peter and said

“Oh man it was awful, I was absolutely SURE my wife wa...

What do you call a laughing motorcycle?

A Yamahahaha.

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My Patient just told me this joke and i can't stop laughing

George was turning 90 this week and his friends thought of doing something special for him. So they planned to contact a high class Escort service and send him a nice surprise.



On his birthday, around 9 pm, when he was alone at home, the doorbell rang. George thought - who could it b...

The pregnant lady sitting across from me laughed

"What is it?" I asked.
"Oh its nothing, just my baby doing standup."
"Really?" I inquired. "What did he say?"
"You wont get it." She laughed.

"It's an inside joke."

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My friend said, "Congratulations on your new job. How did you get it?" I replied, "The same way the Virgin Mary got Jesus." He laughed, "A miracle?!"

I said, "No. Sex that I can't tell anyone about."

This time next year you guys will be laughing about all the Coronavirus fears of today...

Not every one of you, of course.

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If they say girls like guys who can make them laugh,

Then I shouldn't be single because my life is a fucking joke.

Please laugh

What's a thousand times better than Instagram?















Instakilogram

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You meet a man on the Oregon Trail. He tells you his name is Terry. “Terry?!” you say laughing, “Terry’s a girls name!” Without any hesitation, Terry pulls out a gun and shoots you dead.

You have died of dissin’ Terry :(

I work in retail, a married man made me laugh

Me: Hi sir, can I help you?
Him: Nah I'm just looking for my wife
Me: Oh sorry, we don't sell wives here
Him: Good! Else you'd get a lot of returns!

"I own a small allotment...", So far I'm the only person I've heard laugh at this joke.

I own a small allotment. Every night someone throws soil in on top of in. I've absolutely no idea why.

The plot thickens.

My friends laughed at me

when I told them I have a girlfriend. They said she was like the square root of -100, a solid 10 but imaginary.

Well, joke is on them. They are also imaginary.

A comment made in retort to my wife this morning made her laugh through the day

Not really a joke, but see if you people think its funny.

We got a young puppy atm and myself an wife usually get up at same time early each morning to sort her out. As she hasn't seen us for a few hours as she sleeps downstairs with cats, she gets excited and clingy first thing, so one of u...

My boyfriend and I always laugh about how competitive we are

But I laugh harder

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha­­! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

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First joke I've ever come up with. So far nobody has laughed

I went to the opticians and they were telling me about revolutionary technology to allow us to see out of different parts such as our arms, nose and even our ass. Intrigued, I asked "when will this technology would be available?" The optician replied "arm and nose is coming in 2019, hindsight is 20...

If you can make a woman laugh, you're almost there.

If you're almost there and then she laughs, that's a different thing.

My coworkers laugh at my jokes in in-person meetings, but never in online meetings.

When I asked them why, they said that my jokes weren't remotely funny.

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A pregnant woman boards a bus. After taking a seat, she notices a man smiling at her. She feels self-conscious and changes her seat, but he seems even more amused. She moves a third time, and he starts to giggle. On her fourth move, he bursts out laughing.

They both get off the bus at the next stop. The pregnant woman is furious and demands an explanation. "What exactly is so damn funny?" "I'm sorry, ma'am," replies the giggling man. "But I couldn't help noticing you're pregnant, and when you first sat down, you sat under an advertisement which read '...

An Easter laugh

Moses & Jesus were walking along the shore of the sea.

Moses asked, “You ever wonder if you can still do “it”?”

Jesus replied, “Sometimes. How about you?”

“Yeah. Let’s see if we can!”

Moses turned to the sea, raised his hands and spread them apart. The sea parted and ...

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Priest, nun, camel, laugh.

A nun and a priest were traveling across the desert and realized halfway across that the camel they were using for transportation was about to die. They set up a make-shift camp, hoping someone would come to their rescue, but to no avail. Soon the camel died.

After several days of not being r...

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Yesterday I took laxatives and laughing gas at the same time

For shits and giggles.

Laugh and the world laughs with you,

snore and you sleep alone. [from personal experience.]

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said...

"That's a whisk I'm willing to take!"

Did you know it’s illegal to laugh loudly in Hawaii?

When you’re there you gotta keep it to a lo ha.

They laughed at my crayon drawing...

...now I laugh at their chalk outline.

A German man walks into a McDonald's in the United States...

After waiting in line, he finally gets to the counter, and he orders a pint of beer, because you can get beer at McDonalds in Germany.

An American customer overhears the man's order, and he approaches the German man and says, "How could you be so stupid? you cannot order beer here." while lau...

Jokes about cocaine do not make me laugh

But a good one liner will make me snort

What makes zombies laugh?

Dad jokes.

My little daughter came to me all excited, shrieking, “Daddy! Daddy! Guess how old I’ll be in October!” Playing along, I laughed, “Oh I don’t know princess, why don’t you tell me?” She gave me a huge smile and held up four fingers...

It’s now three hours later, the police are annoyed and she *still* won’t say where she got them...

A baby's laugh is one of the most beautiful things a person can hear...

...unless it's 3 a.m., and you're home alone, and you don't have any kids.

I can laugh in color

Hue hue hue hue

Can a joke about dinosaurs make you laugh?

You bet jurassic can

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joke everyone laughs at

A single old woman in her 70s was bored alone in her home so she decided to look for a husband, she put up posters saying "i want a husband in his 70s, doesn't cheat, won't hit me, and be good in bed." Two days later, the doorbell rings, the old woman opens a door and finds a grey haired man with no...

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Childish but made me laugh

How do you embarrass an archaeologist? Show him a used tampon and ask, "What period is this from?"

Definitely a repost but it will make some people laugh.

At Penn State University , there were four sophomores taking chemistry and all of them
had an 'A' so far. These four friends were so confident that the weekend before finals, they
decided to visit some friends and have a big party.

They had a great time but, after all the hearty partyi...

My grandpa never laughs at my erection jokes.

I guess he doesn't get them.

My wife told me a joke that I actually laughed at.

A women was in bed with her husbands best friend when suddenly the phone rings. She answered the phone and said to the person have a wonderful time and hung up. The man asks her who was it and she replied that it was her husband, he said that he was at a bar with you.

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how do you tell if your dick can laugh?

Test tickles

What does a window do when it laughs?

It cracks up.

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Have you ever laughed so hard you've pooped yourself?

That'll be self defecating humour.

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Puns are the only form of humor where a groan is high praise and a laugh is a fair attempt.

Well, that and sex.

They laughed at me when I said I wanted to become an optician

But they'll see, they'll all see.

Got my seven year old cousin to laugh at this one

What do you call a mailman who’s on fire?

Dead

Hope You Get a Laugh

Three elderly men were relaxing on the beach in Florida.

One said “I owned a factory in New York state. One winter, the heat didn’t come on, the pipes froze and got water everywhere, and everything was ruined. I decided I was too old to start over, so I took the insurance money, sold the plac...

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A Woman goes to buy a Parrot. The prices are $100, $200, and $15. She asks why the last one is so cheap?

"Because he used to live in a brothel" says the shopkeeper. She pays $15.

When she gets home the parrot says: "Fuck me, a new brothel!" The woman laughs.

When her daughters get home the parrot says: "Fuck me, 2 new prozzies!" The girls laughs too.

When the dad gets home the parr...

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A chemist has invented a laughing gas that's also a laxative...

It was mostly for shits and giggles

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Why was the washing machine laughing?

It was taking the piss out of your pants.

Clean English jokes, you must laugh!!!

Little Johnny wanted to be an accountant, so he went for an aptitude test:
Tester: If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and another two rabbits, how many rabbits have you got?
Little Johnny : SEVEN!
Tester : No, listen carefully again. If I give you two Rabbits, and two rabbits, and ...

My dad doesn't really like puns, so we told him our top 10 to see if any could make him laugh...

No pun in 10 did.

every time I hear this, I burst out laughing.

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson were going camping. They pitched their tent under the stars and went to sleep. sometime in the middle of the night, Holmes woke up Watson and said: "Watson lookup in the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied: " see millions and millions of stars." Holmes said: "...

Laugh all you might but

the most watched sports in the World involves kicking, handling and slamming balls

I did a gig at statistics seminar. Told 100 jokes to try and make people laugh.

No pun in ten did.

My friend and I were finally able to laugh off how competitive we are with each other.

But I laughed harder.

My mom used to tell me not to laugh at other's condition because we may be in their position one day.

So I laugh at Bill Gates' condition everyday.

Deficiency

A noted psychiatrist was a guest at a blonde gathering, and his hostess naturally broached the subject in which the doctor was most at ease.

"Would you mind telling me, Doctor," she asked, "how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?"

"That's easy," he...

A guy is jailed for the first time...

A guy is imprisoned for his first time


On his first night, a few minutes after lights-out, his cellmate moves closer to the cell-bars.

A while later, someone from another cell shouts "Number 13!". His cellmate and the entire block bursts into laughter. The new prisoner finds this s...

My wife asked me why I carry a gun around the house...

I told her, "Fear of the CIA".

She laughed, I laughed, the Amazon Echo laughed. I shot the Amazon Echo

Why do seven dwarves laugh as they run a race outside?

Because the grass tickles their balls

No one laughed at my joke I made in school so maybe you guys will like it

What do you call an english teacher who knows how to code

A pro-grammar

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A man playing on a new golf course got confused as to what hole he was on. He saw a lady playing ahead of him, so he walked up to her and asked if she knew what hole he was playing...

She replied, “I’m on the 7th hole and you’re a hole behind me, so you must be on the 6th hole.”

He thanked her and went back to his golf.

On the back nine, the same thing happened and he approached the lady, again with the same request.

She said, “I’m on the 14th, you are a hole...

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A Spartan, a Samurai and a Viking are summoned to Outworld for Mortal Kombat.

Their first opponent is the dread-sorcerer Shang Tsung.
  

The Spartan goes first, and quickly overpowers Shang Tsung, but is unsure of what to do next. Shang Tsung then speaks a word of power and the Spartan trips over his own cape and impales himself headfirst upon his own spear. Sha...

Three vampires sit in a cave in the black of night, sharing a drink, laughing, and generally having a good time that one would not associate with the undead.

The night grew longer, and an observer, should they be careful enough, would learn that vampires can indeed get drunk.

Eventually, the three begin to bicker about which of them is the most powerful and deadly.

The youngest suddenly gets up, and flies off into the night. Almost instantl...

My wife found me in the kitchen naked holding a gun

"What the hell are you doing?" she screamed, shocked at my appearance.

"Quiet woman! I'm hunting decepticons!" I whispered back harshly.

She put her hands on her hips. "You've been sleep walking again! There are no such thing as decepticons!"

I blinked, realizing how stupid I lo...

My wife asked me why I carry around a gun in the house.

And I answered, because of the decepticons!

She laughed, I laughed, Alexa laughed, I shot Alexa.

It was a good time.

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Edit: Thank you all for the upvotes and yes, this is a adaption to an old joke, i thought it was fitting regarding todays article about Alexa "laug...

A guy goes to jail. First night after lights out he hears someone yell out, "49!", then the entire cell block bursts out laughing.

A few moments later, someone else yells out, "88!", and everyone laughs again.

The new inmate turns to his cellmate and asks, "What's with the numbers? Why is everyone laughing?"

His inmate replies, "Well, we've all been here so long we've heard every joke. Instead of telling the entir...

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My grandma used to tell us this joke. She’d say, “knock knock,” we’d say, “who’s there?”

Then she’d say “I can’t remember!” and start to cry. And we’d laugh and laugh to make her feel better, but she was shit at telling jokes.

My new girlfriend asked me how many girls I've slept with. "Eleven," I replied. "Wow! You must be a player," she laughed.

"No," I said, "I'm their coach."

My wife asked why I was whispering.

I told her that Mark Zuckerburg might be listening.

Then she laughed, and Siri laughed, and Alexa laughed.

When do peanuts laugh?

When you crack them up.

Laugh... and the world laughs with you

Disrobe n public while rubbing Velveeta all over your body... and you are pretty much on your own.

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