Greet Jokes - 89 Hilarious Greet Jokes

A life-long atheist dies and is surprised to find himself before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter sadly shakes his head and tells him that because of his non-belief, he must be sent to Hell. The Devil greets him there and shows him where he will now spend eternity,

a lovely cozy cottage set on a beautiful hillside where the sweet smell of flowers fills the air. The Devil tells him he will want for nothing and to feel free to walk the grounds. One day, while he is out strolling through the idyllic gardens, he comes across a tall wall. Curious, he climbs one of ...

A shy priest greets the wedding guests to the Chapel. He's very nervous and doesn't say much.

As the couple approach the altar the priest steps up and gives the best speech anyone has ever heard. He's full of confidence, incredibly expressive and has everyone in fits of laughter!

After the vows, the priest is extremely shy and barely says a word to anyone.

The groom approache...

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A school principal greets a new student and asks his name.

The kid answers, “D-d-d-dav-dav-david, sir.”

“Do you have a stutter?” the principal asked.

The student answered, “No sir, my dad has a stutter. The guy who registered my name was an .”

Two English gentlemen are commuters, using the Tube to the City. They get on and off at the same stations, and having done it for years they occasionally nod greetings or even exchange a “good morning.”

One of them looked really unhappy one day and the other said “I know we haven’t been introduced but if you don’t mind me saying it you do look a bit peaky.”
“My false teeth are killing me.”
“Hmmm. If you let me have a good look I may be able to help you.”
“Oh please do...”
“Give me a da...

How do you properly greet a very fancy duck as you walk by?

M’lard

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

The day after a man lost his wife in a scuba diving accident, he was greeted by two grim-faced policemen at his door.

“We’re sorry to call on you at this hour, Mr. Wilkens, but we have some information about your wife.”

“Well, tell me!” the man said.

The policeman said: “We have some bad news, some good news and some really great news. Which do you want to hear first?”

Fearing the worst, Mr. Wi...

How do Chinese Cowboys greet each other?

They say, "NiHowdy!"

how do tiny people greet each other?

With a microwave!

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A man walks into a bar. The bartender greets him and says, For 5 bucks, I’ll show you something amazing...

The man agrees and hands over his 5 bucks.

The bartender pulls out a small piano and a guy who is only about a foot tall. The guy sits down and plays an amazing tune on the piano.

“Wow he’s amazing. Where did you get him!?!”

He bartender replied, “There is a genie on the corner,...

How do you greet German Bread in the morning?

Gluten Morgen

A man comes up to the drive thru window, and the attendant greets him:

Attendant: Welcome, how may I help you today?

Customer: I'd like a burger and a vanilla ice cream cone

Attendant: Sorry, the ice cream machine is broken again today, and we don't know how long it'll be down, so we don't have any ice cream today.

Customer: How about fries and ic...

Why do Americans shake hands as a greeting?

To show they're only holding one gun

How do you greet a terrorist on a plane?

Hi, Jack!

"Diana!" I said greeting my mother-in-law as she walked through the door...

She said, "My name's Anna."

I said, "Yeah, I know."

Greetings. I am Buzz Aldrin the second man to walk on the moon.

Neil before me.

Three women die enter hell, and Satan greets them at the doorway.

"Welcome, sinners!" he says with a grin. "In heaven, your rank would be based on your purity, but not down here! Your mode of transportation will be decided by the number of MEN you have hooked up with." He turned to face the first woman. "How many men have you hooked up with?"

"Around five I...

Why don’t the lobsters in those tanks at restaurants and grocery stores ever greet us or ask us how we’re doing?

Because they’re shellfish.

How does a girl greet Bill Cosby on their second date?

"Hey Bill, nice to meet you."

How do German cowboys greet people?

Haudi

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Farmer Bill goes into a bar and is greeted by the bartender.

Joe: "Hey bill, what’s up? You look awful"

Bill: "Oh it's really bad. I don't wanna talk about it."

Joe: "Come on. You know you can tell me anything."

Bill: "No, there are things you just CAN'T explain."

Bill talks a little more to Joe and after two beer he finally ...

How do Germans greet their toast?

Gluten tag

What do you call a vehicle that just wants to greet people?

A hellocopter

How do dried fish greet each other?

«Long time, no sea»

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Sisyfos and Oidipos meet in hell and they greet each other:

"hi rolling stone!"

"hi !"

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[] So my wife thinks it's to greet me home wearing just my shirt..

But when I did the same wearing her dress, I now need a 'talk' with a psychologist....

A German Shepherd, Doberman and a cat die and go to heaven. God greets the three and asks each what they believe in. First God asks the German Shepherd who replies, "I believe in discipline and loyalty to my master." God says, "This is good, you can sit here at my right hand."

Next, God asks the Doberman what he believes in. The Doberman replies, "I believe in love and protecting my master." God says, "Wonderful, you can sit here at my left."

Finally, God asks the cat what he believes in and the cat replies, "I believe you are in my seat."

How does an Australian toilet greet you?

Bidet, mate!!

How does a pirate greet a sea monster?

What's Kraken?

How do Russians greet officers?

If it's a russian officer, they throw up one hand at the top, if a Ukrainian officer, then two.

In honour of Canada Day: How does a beaver greet another beaver?

Ma'Dam

A UFO landed in the Vatican and the friendly Aliens where greeted by the pope

Pope: What a great honour having the first sign of foreign life in the Univers visiting my humble home. Now, let me tell you about our saviour and king in heaven, Jesus Christ, who saved us all and currently we await his return to us.

Alien Leader: Jesus Christ you say? Long hair, beard, alwa...

I was in a new IT themed restaurant the other day...

When I walked in I could see the place decorated like the inside of a computer. The tables looked like motherboards, the placemats looked like keyboards, and the glasses looked like giant USB sticks. The host was there to greet me and he was dressed in the usual "nerd" attire - glasses, pocket prote...

(OC) How do you greet a Greek Muslim?

“As salaam malaka”

While walking down the street one day, a senator is tragically hit by a truck and killed.

His soul arrives in Heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let ...

When I greeted my boss in the morning, he told me to have a good day...

Who am I to argue? So I thanked him and went back home.

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On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers.

He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, “What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a .” All the...

How do Jewish skiers greet each other?

Slalom

How does Darth Vader greet visitors to Disneyland?

Welcome to the Park side.

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A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her husband. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded:

"Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"
"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"
"Continental?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, th...

I greeted the mailman at the door naked

He freaked out. Not so much because of my appearance, more because I knew where he lived.

A farm worker greets Josef Stalin at his potato farm...

“Comrade Stalin, we have so many potatoes that, piled one on top of the other, they would reach all the way to God,” the farmer excitedly tells his leader.

“But God does not exist,” replies Stalin.

“Exactly,” says the farmer. “Neither do the potatoes.”

How do you greet people at a funeral?

"Good mourning!"

How do you greet a very clean woman?

Hi Jean

How do people from Columbus greet each other?

Oh, hi yo!

How does Snoop Dogg greet the French?

Bong jour.

A HTML developer was walking down the street when he was greeted by a donkey.

"Hello Mr Programmer", the donkey said, "how are you?".

"mighty fine, thank you donkey", the HTML dev replied.

Immediately the donkey started crying.

"What's the matter little friend?" the HTML dev asked.

"I called you a programmer, at least you could call me horse" t...

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Just beyond the Gates of Hell, an alcoholic, a womanizer, and a stoner find themselves standing in front of three identical doors.

There to greet them is none other than Satan, who tells them a secret method to getting into Heaven: Each man must spend 1,000 years in a room with their greatest vice. If he does so, he will be allowed to enter Heaven. The catch? At the end of the 1,000 year period, if the man asks to be let out of...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

How do vegetables greet each other

Onion-hasayo

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What's the traditional greeting among prostitute-accountants?

Tally ho!

Three guys die and Saint Peter greets them at the Golden Gate.

He tells them, "How faithful you were to your wife will determine what kind of car you drive across the Golden Bridge to heaven."
First guy says, "I was married 10 years and only cheated three times."
Saint Peter says, "That's OK I suppose. Here, take this older model pick-up truck." ...

[Long] Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth."

His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father." Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."

Very pleased, the b...

How do the crows in Texas greet each other?

Yee-caw

How do you greet a friendly laptop in the mountains?

Yo Dell

An antivaxx mom dies and goes to heaven. She notices that it was God himself walking to greet her, along with her two kids. They’re all smiling. Feeling real smug about herself,

She runs toward them but Is suddenly stopped by an invisible force.

As God and her two kids got nearer though, they stopped smiling and had a puzzled look on their faces. Suddenly, they burst out in joyful laughter, just as St. Peter materialises beside them all.

“Oh Pete, you really...

How to mountain climbers greet each other?

Hiya!

A guy walks into a bar, and is greeted by a robot.

The robot says, “What’s your drink”? The man replies, “Whisky”. The robot then says, “What’s your IQ”? The man says 150. The robot then pours his whisky and proceeds to talk to the man about the space time continuum, time travel, and the multiverse. The man finishes his drink, and leaves the bar. ...

How did the Jewish onion greet his cousin?

Shallot.

How do tectonic plates greet each other?

They shake lands

How does a Mexican greet Zeus?

Jesus

How does the ocean greet the beach?

It waves

How does a pirate greet his ex wife?

Ahore

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I was greeted by a genie

He says I have only one wish, so I respond, I want to see out of my . Granted, the genie says. That was last week ago, and in hindsight, it was worth it.

What do you call a Korean ham and onion greeting each other?

Onion-ham say “yo”

I don't usually greet working girls

But hey ho

Disneyland will be opened in Chernobyl. As always, at the entrance, the visitors will be greeted by a 7-feet-tall mouse.

But this time, a real one.

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An atheist dies, goes to hell, and finds himself in a lush park with butterflies.

His physical body has transformed back into its prime and he's then greeted by Satan who says "Why hello there! Welcome to hell. Let me show you around, you're gonna love it here."

Satan points to a nice house and says "what do you think of this house?" The atheist replies "It's beautiful, I ...

Prince Charles is visiting an Edinburgh hospital. He enters a ward full of patients with no obvious sign of injury or illness and greets one.

The patient replies:

"Fair fa your honest sonsie face,
Great chieftain o the puddin race,
Aboon them a ye take yer place,
Painch, tripe or thairm,
As langs my airm."

Charles is confused, so he just grins and moves on to the next patient. The patient responds:

"Some h...

Three musicians are killed in an automobile accident. They arrive together at the pearly gates, where they are greeted by Saint Peter.

"Hello," says Saint Peter. "I suppose you'd like to get into Heaven!"

"Yes, we would," says the first musician, a band director.

"Well, there's just a little test you have to take. Nothing too difficult. Related to your earthly profession," says Saint Peter.

"OK," says the band ...

How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?

“Howdy, pardoner!”

Trump is doing a meet-and-greet at a crowded venue

and his security detail is being extra watchful. One of them is a new guy and he’s extra jumpy.
Suddenly, a gunman bursts from the crowd, aiming his weapon at the President. Pandemonium ensues. The rookie bodyguard screams “Mickey Mouse!!!” at the top of his voice and this startles the would be a...

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How do nazi programmers greet one another?

Zip! File!

How do gnomes greet eachother?

"Whats up Gnomie"

A man dies one day and finds himself in Hell, much to his surprise.

The man has never sinned, he has attended church somewhat regularly and often gives to charity.

He asks at the gate if there has been a mistake to which the ferryman gives no answer.

He figures there is little hope for him, but somehow he will make the best of his situation.

He ...

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How do you greet a friendly dog in Japanese?

Konnichihuahua

How do trees greet each other?

They say "Woods-up bro"

How do Hawaiian Muslims greet each other?

"Aloha Akbar!"

Melania Trump greeted the White House Christmas Tree.

First natural wood she's seen in years.

How do psychoanalysts greet each other?

“You’re fine. How am I?”

A man dies and goes to heaven, where he is greeted by billions of clocks and Saint Peter waiting for him.

"What are all of clocks for?" The man asked St. Peter.

"My child, the clocks only move when a person lies. You see that one as only moved twice because that is Abraham Lincoln's clock, and he has only lied twice." St. Peter replies.

"Why has that clock not moved yet?" He asked.

...

How do kitchen appliances greet each other?

They micro-wave.

How did Columbus greet the Native Americans when he first landed in the Americas?

With new diseases.

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An Airbus 380 is flying across the Atlantic

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h at 30,000 feet, when suddenly a jet fighter appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus, boring flight isn’t it? Now ...

How do you greet a German Shepherd in their native language?

Guten Dog!

I went to a bar last night and I was a bit disappointed that the 2 bartenders didn't greet me.

I guess my expectations were two hi.

There were two white Christian men, John and Mike, whose plane crashed into a desert.

Luckily they survived unharmed. As they traveled through the hot desert looking for food and water, they gave up and sat down, thinking of what to do.

As the dust in the air settled, they suddenly could view a mosque ahead. They became very hopeful. But then John said ''Muslims are there. The...

A guy drops his date off outside her house, only to be greeted by her furious father waiting on the curb with a baseball bat...

"Not to worry, sir! I'm not her date, I'm just her guy-in-a-car-logist!"

A CEO went to see his lawyer and was greeted with the following comment:

"I have some good news and some bad news for you.”

“OK, I've had an awful day, so let’s hear the good news first,” the man replied.

“Your wife invested $5,000 in two pictures that are now worth a minimum of 2 million.”

“Well done, very good news indeed!" said the CEO enthu...

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