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Thank Jokes

Thank goodness Reddit is back up

I was almost productive for a second there!

Kyle Rittenhouse has a lot of people to thank for his acquittal.

I suggest he start with the prosecution.

Thank you, student loans, for helping me get through college.

I don't think I can ever repay you.

"No thanks. I am a vegetarian."

is a fun thing to say when someone hands you a baby.

Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me.

It means a lot.

"Thank you for calling the NSA..."

"The only government organization that **actually** listens to you!"

Jesus writes a letter to the three wise men years later, and thanks them for the gifts they gave him.

"Hello Wise Men,
Thanks for the Frankincense, first wise man, I will make great use of it, perhaps not now, but far later in life. As for you, second wise man, I am very pleased with the Myrrh, it smells lovely and I have been scenting my house with it. However, third wise man, I am travel weary ...

Right after takeoff, a pilot comes on the microphone to welcome his passengers. “Thank you for flying with us. The weather is....”

Then he suddenly starts screaming while still on the mic, “OH MY GOD! IT IS BURNING!!, IT IS BURNING!”

Then silence.

A few seconds later, he comes back on and says, “I’m terribly sorry about what happened. I spilled some scorching hot coffee on my lap...you should see my pants!!”
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A guy says to his wife: "Thanks to that new scale you bought, I always know how much I poop!"

Wife: "So you step on the scale before you poop, go to the toilet, step on the scale again and the difference is the weight of your poop?”

He: “Oh, yeah, I guess you could also do it that way...”

Threesome? No thanks

If I wanted to disappoint two people in the same room, I would have dinner with my parents.

My grandpa called to thank me, but forgot what for.

I said, "dementia it."

In which profession the service providers never receive thanks from the people being served?

Executioners

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My wife just gave birth today and after thanking the doctor, I pulled him aside and sheepishly asked, "How soon do you think we'll be able to have sex?"

He winked at me and said, "I'm off duty in ten minutes - meet me in the parking lot."

I want to thank everyone here for teaching me the word "Plethora"

It means a lot

We can thank the Arabs for 9/11.

Without them, it would still be IX/XI.

I'd like to thank my legs for supporting me

My arms for always being by my side and my fingers... I could always count on them.

“Son, I found a condom in your room.” “Gee thanks, Grandpa!”

“Why are you calling me Grandpa?”

“Because I couldn’t find it yesterday.”

I'd like to thank everyone who taught me the definition of 'many'

it really means a lot

Let's all take a moment to Thank Amber Heard's team of Lawyers for their efforts and hard work

to prove Johnny Depp's innocence.

Johnny sits at the bar staring at his drink when a large, trouble-making biker steps up next to him, grabs his drink, gulps it down in one swig, and menacingly says, “Well thank you! Whatcha gonna to do about it?"

Johnny burst into tears. "Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can’t stand to see a man crying. What’s your problem?"

"This is the worst day of my life," Johnny says. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot...

I picked up a hitchhiker last night. He seemed surprised that I'd pick up a stranger. He asked, "Thanks but why would you pick me up? How would you know I'm not a serial killer?".

I told him the chances of two serial killers in a car would be astronomical.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A pastor asks if anyone in the congregation would like to express thanks for answered prayers.

Susie Smith stands, walks to the podium, and says, “Two months ago my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating, and the doctors didn’t know if they could help him.”

You could hear a mumbled gasp from the men in the congregat...

Thank God lent is over....

not using condoms was definitely getting nerve-wracking.

If I bring you breakfast in bed, just say, "Thanks."

Not "Who are you?" and "How did you get in my apartment?"

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Thank god for nipples

Without it, boobs would be pointless.

We should really thank the guy who invented Venetian blinds

Without him it would be curtains for us all.

Thanks to a very healthy lifestyle, a married couple live well into their 100s

One day they are both killed in a tragic accident, and go to heaven.

On the first morning, they go up to God and ask where the gym is. "Gym?" God replies, "you don't need to go to the gym here, you'll always be in perfect shape even if you never exercise." The wife says how nice that is, but...

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The kids asked what was for dinner and I told them "Scraps". They started crying. Spoiled brats, it's really hard to get food at the moment thanks to the panic buying.

And it was a stupid name for a dog anyway.



(Obligatory thank-you edit for the silver!)

(Narwhal! Narwhals are cool!)

I once thanked a French guy to death

It was a merci killing

A religious man was thinking about how good his wife was to him, so he prayed to god to give thanks.

To the man’s astonishment, the booming voice of god spoke to him.

**Man:** God, I’m so grateful that you gave me my wife. If I may ask, my Lord, why did you make her so beautiful?

**God:** I made her so beautiful so that you could love her, my son.

**Man:** And why did you mak...

Thanks to Daylight Savings Time . . .

My girlfriend thinks I lasted an hour and two minutes.

Thank God we don't need to hunt for food anymore

I mean, I have no idea where pizzas live in the wild

If I make you breakfast in bed a simple "thank you" will do.

None of this "how did you get in my house" nonsense.

Thank you Reddit

For helping me feel like Dark Helmet on the bridge of Spaceball One.

Thank god I'm an atheist

Wait...

Thank God

Sam was driving down the road and was pulled over by a policeman. Walking up to Sam's car, the policeman said, "Your wife fell out the car five miles back." Sam replied,

"Thank God for that. I'd thought I'd gone deaf!"

I bought my friend an elephant for his room. He said "thanks"...

"I said don't mention it"...

Thankfully no one was hurt

A man and a woman get in a terrible car wreck.

Both of their vehicles were completely destroyed, but fortunately, no one was hurt.

Thankful, the woman says to the man in a flirting tone,

"We're both okay, we should celebrate."

So the woman gets a bottle of wine out of...

Thank you everyone! As the newest mod of /r/news, I would like to say

[removed]

Thankful shark

There is this atheist swimming in the ocean. All of the sudden he sees this shark in the water, so he starts swimming towards his boat.

As he looks back he sees the shark turn and head towards him. His boat is a ways off and he starts swimming like crazy. He’s scared to death, and as he turns...

Be thankful for midwives

They really help people out

An old man thanks Stalin

"Thank you, comrade Stalin, for giving me a wonderful childhood!"

One of Stalin's aides interrupts: "What are you talking about? When you were a child, comrade Stalin wasn't even born yet!"

The old man replies: "and that's why I'm thanking him!"

Thank you President Trump..

..for improving my vocabulary. I would have never known the meaning of sedition, insurrection, quid pro quo, colluding, etc without you!

Me: “Thank you for that glass of milk earlier”

Sperm bank employee: “What glass of milk”

Me: “The glass of milk that was sitting on your desk”

Sperm bank employee: “Oh my god”

Me: “What?”

Sperm bank employee: “You drank my glass of milk!”

A thankful Spanish man falls on his rear and slides down a hill.

Gracias

Good Evening and thank you for flying with us.

If you look out the left side, the engine there is on fire. If you look out the right side, the engine there has fallen off. If you look out the window straight down, you would see a speck on the ocean. That's the copilot and I on a raft. This is a recorded message. Have a safe flight.

Dear Lord, thank you for these noodles

Ramen.

The French surrender even when saying 'Thank you'

They beg for mercy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for calling the Psychiatric Institute of Mental Health

If you have an obsessive-compulsive disorder, please press button 1. Again. And again. And again.

If you have a multiple personality disorder press in rapid sequence keys 2, 3, 4, 5, and 6.

If you suffer from paranoia, we have to inform you that we already know who you are, what you d...

Thank God!

I sneezed into my hand, and when I looked I thought I saw boogers, but itsnot

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

My eleven year old still doesn't know how to add, thanks to this shitty education system.

Seriously, who thought letting me homeschool him his whole life was a good idea?

Thank goodness it's April 2nd

I had 4 pregnancy scares yesterday. They all turned out to be pranks. Please don't tell my wife.

Thank you, thank you for always sticking up to me, thank you for always being there, thank you for always coming back to me even though I pushed you away and thank you for always sucking up to me.

Thank you mosquitoes!!!

Thank you for calling the constipation hotline...

Please hold.

Thank you Alexa

Burglar: *points gun at me* Alright buddy just show me your valuables and nobody gets hurt

Me: Haha sure thing dude - ALEXA CALL THE POLICE

Alexa: “Shuffling songs by The Police”

*Roxanne plays as I get shot 16 times*

Every morning, a very religious woman stands on her front porch and says, "Lord, I thank thee for this day."

The woman has an atheist neighbour who is driven up a wall by this, so one day he comes up with a plan to teach her a lesson.

That night, when the woman is fast asleep, the atheist buys a huge basket of food and leaves it on the woman's front porch.

The next morning, when the woman ste...

Thank you r/jokes. I read this sub every morning at the beginning of my work day, laughing like a maniac till my hands and legs shake uncontrollably.

I just wish the kids on the school bus I'm driving would stop screaming in fear once in awhile.

English lord to his servant: James a glass of water please. Here you are sir. Thank you James. Another glass of water please. Sure sir, here you are. Thank you, James.

James, please call the firemen, I don't think we can put out this fire on our own.

She said, "Thank you so much!" And I said...

"Not at all. But I find knitting very relaxing."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

What do you call an angry but thankful japanese Cat?

Domo Aggrocato

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Dear Madam, Thank you for the order at the Sex Toy Shop,

You asked for the big red that is featured on our wall. Please re-select, that is our fire extinguisher.
Sincerely.

Thank god for Barnes & Noble

Said Doctors Without Borders

Thank god for dollar shave club

Now I can afford to put razors in all the Halloween candy.

After years of Investing and Careful Trading I finally have a Six figure Portfolio thanks to Crypto.

Current Balance: $10.0001

Thank you hand

Thank you hand for getting me through hard times

I’d like to thank.....

Whoever told my Mom that WTF means Wow that’s fantastic. Her texts are so much more fun now.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Twelve Thank-You Notes of Christmas

Dearest John:

I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a pear tree. What a delightful gift. I couldn't have been more surprised.

With dearest love and affection, Agnes

December 15th

Dearest John:

Today the postman brought your very sweet gi...

We should thank Trump and Biden

For giving this great standup comedy night.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank you for flying Philippine Airlines.

(Disclaimer, original joke was in Filipino, imma roughly translate it for y'all)

So John and Peter were riding a flight on Philippine Airlines, everything was going smoothly, and then something went wrong with the engine!

Sirens were blaring in the cockpit, and the pilot issued a PSA t...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A lucky husband

A lucky guy married a girl who ended up being a virgin. He was so excited, he went to his father in law and told him, "thank you for raising such an amazing girl for me to marry."

The wife's father replied with, "Don't thank me, thank her mother."

So, he goes to his mother in law and...

I wanted to thank everyone for sticking with me while I figured out the meaning of “many”

It means a lot

A baby whale told his mother thanks for making me.

She said your whale cum.

Thank the Lord!

When I was a child I had a condition where I had to eat mud three times a day in order to survive. It’s lucky my older brother told me about it, really.

"Thank you for your service"

"Sir, the Salvation Army is not a part of our armed forces"

Thanks New Hampshire…

Your the reason 49 other states have to buy signs saying “Buckle up, its the State Law”

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thank God, women exists!

Because a world without women would literally be a pain in the ass...

Call me a racist if you want, but south of the border is a sea of violence, corruption and stupidity I wouldn’t touch with a ten foot pole.

Thank God I'm Canadian.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

To whoever invented the mini skirt, you are a good person, thank you.

My balls have never felt so free.

Thankfully it's not another virus we have to worry about.

The police have found a large number of dead crows on the 101 just north of
Ventura early this morning, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu
A Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed
the problem was NOT Avian Flu.
Th...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I want to try translating an Iraqi joke to English and see if it works. A man is sitting in a cafe...

A man is sitting in a cafe when suddenly someone he knows comes running to him in panic shouting "Quick, your wife is cheating on you with your best friend in the forest". The man runs out of the cafe angry and furious to see for himself and returns after a short while and sits back down on his chai...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why did the pornstar say thank you?

Because she was well-cummed.

Why did Julius Caesar never say thank you to anyone?

He didn’t speak English.

I thankfully wasn’t close to my father when he died..

He stepped on a Land Mine.

Thank you for calling the 2020AD customer support line

All of our natural disasters, plagues, and political upheavals are currently busy. If you are not experiencing a natural disaster, plague, or political upheaval, one will be assigned to you shortly. Please stay on the line, and thank you for choosing 2020.

Thank goodness for COVID-19

Cuz COVID-18 left me and I almost went to jail for spreading COVID-17

What was the turkey thankful for on Thanksgiving?

vegetarians!

Thank God I finally quit exaggerating

I used to do it at least a hundred times a day

Thank you, true crime show,

for saying that
was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your
Camera person didn't stop that murder.

Thank you weight loss surgeons

What you do takes guts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Children who are unvaccinated are less likely to have autism. You know why?

You have to be alive to have autism.

Thank you God

for giving me food to sustain my body, TidePods to clean my clothes, & wisdom to know the difference.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was told that masturbating too much can make me blind (thanks, mom). Then later I overheard that carrots are really good for the eyes.

So now everytime I masturbate I put a carrot up my ass.

Dear Sir, On behalf of Channel Four may I thank you for your application submitted on behalf of your wife for our new reality show

Also the charming photograph you enclosed. Whilst agreeing that she could make a worthy contribution to the program if selected, I would point out that the correct title of the series is actually "Fact Hunt".

Kind regards
Channel Four.

I am a man who loves to give women breakfast in bed. All I want to receive in return is a simple "Thank you!"...

...not "Who are you?", "How did you get in here?", and "I'll call the police!"

Thanks to these vaccination cards...

I'll never lose my v card

Thanks to your donations, we've completely transformed this homeless man...

Into a homeless woman.

Thank god.

A man is at a looking to buy a horse, the horse trader leads him to a majestic white stallion.

The horse trader said: "This horse can understand three commands, if you want it to walk, say 'Praise God', if you want it to gallop say 'Thank God' and if you want it to stop say 'Oh My God'. "...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

If Korean Pop is KPop

Is Chinese Rap Crap?

EDIT: I just got on and looked at this post.....
THANK U SO MUCH!!!! This was my first post and it got all the way to the top!! Thank you sooo much!!

Thanks to the person who helped me translate 'mucho' earlier!

It means a lot.

Doctor to the wife: "I think we can save his leg." "Thank God!"

"Where do you want us to send it?"

Thank you for calling...

... the predatory animal lifting agency, we’ll be with you in a minute. Please hold the lion.

I'd like to thank /r/jokes for teaching me so many jokes!

I've always hated the sound of laughter...

"Thank you Bob Kraft!"

-Jussie Smollett

How do you say thank you in mathematics?

Sin(Q)/Cos(Q)

Amber alert has a new meaning now thanks to Amber Heard

It's what the city sends to men when Amber is seen at a bar.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Thanks Google Nest....

I get a notice on my phone saying a unknown person was seen walking in the house early morning...shows a picture of me.... well.. fuck you to you judgmental asshole lol

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

God decides it’s finally time to send Jesus back to Earth.

*poof* All of a sudden, Jesus finds himself on the side of a road in the middle of rural America. He sticks out his thumb for a ride and before long a man in a truck stops to give him a lift.
Not revealing his true identity, Jesus thanks the man for stopping.

Jesus: Wow thank you sir, so ...

What do you call Andrew Tate in a Romanian prison?

In-cell

EDIT: I don't have time to reply to all the great comments here but THANK YOU ALL for the lols! Seriously, laughed out loud at a bunch of these, I'm rolling!

EDIT EDIT: Thanks as well to the kind Redditor who referred me to the suicide helpline over this. I'm fine, but clearly ...

Interviewer: Would you mind explaining this 4-year gap on your resume?

Me: I went to Yale during this time period.

Interviewer: Wow, excellent! You’re hired!

Me: Thank you! I really needed this yob!

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