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Goodnight Jokes

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A guy in a bar bets the bartender $50 that he can lick his eyeball

The bartender agrees

The man takes his glass eye out, and bites it

The bartender angrily gives the man his money

The man bets the bartender $500 dollars that he can bite his other eyeball too

The bartender agrees to the bet, because the man was not blind

The man pu...

Goodnight my fellow Redditors.

I leave you with the words of advice from a great Chinese philosopher.... *A passionate kiss, like the spiders web, leads to the undoing of the fly.*

Goodnight mommy! goodnight daddy!

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! Goodnight grandma! BYE grandpa!
(the next day, grandpa died)



A week later...

Little Timmy: Goodnight mom! Goodnight dad! BYE grandma!
(grandma died the morning after)



Another week passed by...

Little Timmy:...

What is an old person's favorite flavor of gum?

Retire-Mint


^Thank ^you, ^goodnight

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Goodnight Kiss

One night a guy takes his girlfriend home. As they are about to kiss each other goodnight, the guy starts feeling a little horny.

With an air of confidence, he leans with his hand against the wall and, smiling, he says to her "Darling, would you give me a blowjob?"

Horrified, she rep...

Goodnight Mom, goodnight dad.

A father was tucking his youngest daughter to bed one night after he finished reading her daily bedtime story. Just as he finally kissed her on the forehead, she said - "Goodnight Mom, goodnight Dad, goodbye forever Grandpappy"

The father was a little disturbed by the last part but shook it o...

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How my Husband and I Terrified a Taxi Driver

My husband and I were dressed and ready to go out for a lovely evening of dinner and theatre.

Having been burgled in the past, we turned on a 'night light' and the answering machine, then put the cat in the backyard. When our cab arrived, we walked out our front door and our rather tubby cat ...

How do cops say goodnight to their kids?

"...YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN silent."

A father sees his 5 year old son praying in the middle of the night

He finds it odd but listens closely to it. The kid was praying 'Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night granny, bye bye grandpa'. The father finds it weird but doesn't think much about it. The next day he hears that his father in law is dead. The father finds it abnormal but thinks that it is...

Sleep is for the weak

So I'm going to bed, goodnight

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A young man goes on a date with a very short girl.

Despite her stature she is pretty sweet and beautiful. The date is going well and after a long walk he decided to walk her home.

As they are walking they start holding hands, kissing and finally they start making out against a wall in a dark alley. The man is getting horny so he sees a hook u...

Why didn't the chicken get a kiss goodnight?

Because she had fowl breath.

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True facts....

\*\*\*\*True Facts\*\*\*\*

1. IN the 1400s, a law was set forth in England that a man was allowed to beat his wife with a stick no thicker than his thumb, hence we have 'the rule of thumb'.

2. Many years ago, in Scotland, a new game was invented. It was ruled 'Gentlemen Only, Ladies Fo...

Every hotel room was taken.

By the time John pulled into the little town, every hotel room was taken. "You've got to have a room somewhere." he pleaded. "Or just a bed--I don't care where."

"Well, I do have a double room with one occupant," admitted the manager, "and he might be glad to split the cost. But to tell you t...

A father was putting his daughter to bed...

"Goodnight sweetie" he said

"I love grandma" she said back

The father thought how sweet that was and closed the door

The next day he finds out his mother in-law has died, his wife is distraught.

The following night he says the same thing to his daughter.

"Goodnigh...

Dad becomes freaked out over sons ability to make people die then he gets another surprise

So a dad and his family are praying one night and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight daddy and goodbye Grandpa”, next day grandpa dies. The dad is a little freaked out but is convinced this was just a tragic coincidence. Next night they are praying and his son says, “Goodnight mama goodnight da...

Fighting Couple

A married couple were fighting. Deciding it was time to go to bed, the husband says, "Goodnight, mother of six!" to which she replies Goodnight father of two!"

What do you do If you encounter a bear

If It's brown, lie down.

If It's black, fight back.

If It's white, say goodnight

If It's black and white, you kung fu fight.

What one word really makes a woman open up and want to talk about everything on their mind?

"Goodnight."

Every night, before bed, a little girl prays...

The first night she prays: “Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodnight Grandma. Goodbye Grandpa”
The next day the grandfather dies

The second night she prays: “Goodnight Mommy. Goodnight Daddy. Goodbye Grandma”
The next day the grandmother dies.

The next night she prays: “Goodni...

This is a long one so stay with me (Not my joke my friend just told me)

One day a girl was saying her prayers. She said, “Goodnight Mom. Goodnight Dad. Goodnight Grandma. And GOODBYE Grandpa.” The next day the grandpa died. A few months later the daughter is saying her prayers. She says, “ Goodnight Mom. Goodnight Dad. GOODBYE Grandma.” Grandma dies the next day. Anothe...

Boy says goodbye instead of goodnight

So a boy and his family are praying, and after they finished praying, it’s their tradition to say goodnight, and go to sleep.

So the boy says, goodnight mama, goodnight papa, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma.

At the time, they didn’t really think much of it, and the boy didn’t even ...

One night, Sally was saying goodnight to her parents and grandparents.

“Good night Mom, good night Dad, good night Grandma, goodbye Grandpa.”
Her dad asked her, “Why goodbye?”
“Oh, I dunno, I just felt like it.”

The very next day, her grandpa died.

That evening, Sally was saying goodnight again.
“Good night Mom, good night Dad, goodbye Grandma...

Thank you and goodnight!

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ''Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen!'' The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ''The driver just insulted me!'' The man says: ''You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold ...

Sarah and Isaac were lying in bed one night. Isaac was tossing and turning, unable to sleep. Sarah asks him "Isaac, Isaac, why do you fret so? " to which Isaac replies "Oy vey, Sarah, you know that 20 kopeks I owe Ishmael across the way? Well, I have no idea how I will repay him!"

Sarah nods her head, gets out of bed, throws open the window and yells for Ishmael "Ishmael! Ishmael! Wake up!"
Ishmael opens the window and cries "Sarah, what is the matter? It is the middle of the night!"
Sarah replies "Ishmael, you know that 20 kopeks my husband owes you?" He replie...

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A man his putting his daughter to bed one night

Before she goes to sleep, she begins to say her prayers. She starts and says "Goodnight Mum, goodnight dad, goodnight grandpa, goodbye grandma." The man is startled for a second and asks his daughter, "Why did you say goodbye to grandma but goodnight to the rest of us?" She then shrugs and replies "...

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Loud Mick

SLEEPING WITH MICK

The guys were on a bike tour. No one wanted to room with Mick, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns. The first guy slept with Mick and comes to breakfast the next morning with...

I've never actually been caught smoking weed.

But I'm pretty sure my parents know sober people don't give goodnight handshakes.

Jack, a renown atheist, dies...

... and to his utter surprise ends up in hell where he's greeted by Satan himself.

Completely shocked he talks to the devil and says: "Welp, I've been wrong all my life and I guess I'm now to pay the price for my lack of faith"

Satan laughs and replies: "Awh it's not so bad down here, ...

As I was telling my grandfather goodnight over the phone, he proceeded to tell me "the height of conceit."

Which in his own words:

"You know the height of conceit son? A flea floating on his back down a river, sporting a hard-on, yelling 'OPEN THE DRAWBRIDGE' "

That man.

I Wrote a Haiku

I wrote a Haiku

It was very hard to make

Now I hate haikus

A man is tucking his child into bed at night.

The child says "Dad I'm scared. I think our house is haunted. "

The dad laughs and says "What makes you say that? I've never seen a ghost in my life."

The child says "Well, sometimes when you're not home I hear noises coming from mommys room and see a strange man in the hallway."
...

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Have you ever wondered?

If your mom kissed you goodnight after giving your dad a blowjob?

You are now.

The Old Macaw

A man goes to a pet store looking for a fun pet for his family. There are the typical candidates, kittens, puppies, fish, hamsters, but off in the corner is an old macaw. He asks the owner what the deal is, and the owner replies that the macaw has actually been adopted several times, but he always g...

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A woman’s elderly husband dies...

At first the woman was hysterical because she had gotten used to having sex multiple times a week and the man had been very good. She comes up with the idea to preserve her husbands memory and she would cut off his penis and stick it in a hole in her floorboards to continue pleasuring herself even a...

My diabetic friend had a serious emergency last night.

My bad.

I shouldn't have texted her "Goodnight, sweet dreams" before going to bed yesterday.

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Oh, Little Johnny

Little Johnny's teacher began the school year by announcing a new contest. Every Friday, 30 minutes before the final bell, she would ask the class a question. The first student to answer it right could leave early, and the rest of the class would take a quiz.

The first Friday, the teacher a...

A man goes into his son's room

to wish him Goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies. One week later...

Husband & Wife Diary Entries

Wife's Diary

Bob has been acting so weird lately. Yesterday, we had made plans to meet at a nice restaurant for supper. I’d been shopping with Jenny all day, so I thought he was upset because I was a bit late, but he didn't say anything about it.

Conversation over supper wasn't flowin...

*Tucks in shirt*

"Goodnight, shirt."

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How many astronauts have probed Uranus?

Zero... there's too much gas.

THANK YOU ALL AND GOODNIGHT!

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I think my cell mate is gay...

He closes his eyes when I kiss him goodnight.

My wife can’t wrestle..

But you should see her box.









Thank you goodnight.

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A hunchback and his lame buddy are drinking in a bar...

A hunchback and his lame buddy are drinking in a bar. It's getting close to midnight and the hunchback says he needs to get home to the wife. He finishes his drink and says goodnight to his mate.

Realizing the wife will cuss him out for coming home drunk and late he decides to take a shortc...

My wife says I have a problem with alcohol abuse.

I politely told her I don't. I managed to stay calm and kiss her goodnight even though I was getting so angry.

When she went to bed I punched my bottle of Jack Daniels.

Kcpd got me with a dad joke

I deliver gas(context). The officers were standing out front of the gas station. I was walking back to my truck.
Me: "Yall have a goodnight and be safe"
Officer:"Thankyou you too. Good luck with
Your gas problem"
Made my night and I laugh about it at work alot.

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A boss is confronted with the difficult decision of downsizing one of his employees.

He spends all week reviewing employee files and records and finally narrows it down to two candidates, Jack Wilson or Betty Sims.

Friday comes around and he still hasn't made the decision. They're both equally qualified in every way, and neither has any real black marks on their record. Final...

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Always loved the awful jokes on The Two Ronnies.

"Well, that's all we have time for tonight, but before we go, here are a few items of late news:

"Roughhouse Row, Tower Hamlets, which is London’s toughest street, held a party today for its oldest inhabitant. He’ll be twenty-three on Monday."

"F. C. Rawls, the train conductor, who has...

how do socks reproduce?

they have socks. goodnight folks

The joke my great-grandpa told me about 15 years ago

A man kisses his wife goodnight and goes to sleep one day. After he wakes up, he notices an old man in white robes lying next to him instead of his wife.
- Who are you and why are you in my bed?! - he asks.
- This is not your bedroom. I am St Peter and you're in Heaven.
- What?! I'm d...

Little Johnny

On the night of inflatable little Johnny's 10th birthday as he was getting ready to go to bed and sleep off the days excitement his Inflatable father came to his room to talk to him, he explained that now he was 10 he was just too big to sleep in mum and dads bed and even if he was scared he was a b...

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A police officer is returning home drunk..

A police officer returns home drunk in his car from a colleague's house. He is driving safely, until suddenly a patrol on the side of the road motions him to stop by for a check. He quickly draws out his badge, confident that his colleagues will believe it and says: ''Don't worry colleagues, I've dr...

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Momma knows best.

Two little black boys, brothers, are in bed but they are up late talking. They start telling Yo Momma jokes. Yo momma so fat, yo momma so poor, etc....They get laughing so loud their mom comes to their room.
She says "Boys you will have to quiet down your daddy is asleep."
She tucks them bot...

The Little Magic Frog [Long]

One day I'm out golfing and find myself stuck in a sand trap, when I hear a high pitch voice telling me to use my 5 iron. I look around and I don't see anyone nearby. I use my 5 iron and get an eagle! I then spot a little frog that tells me it is a magic frog and everything it says is the best thing...

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A woman wants to spice up her love life (long)

They have been married for a long time now and their love life is rather rusty, so the wife wants to spice things up a bit.

So she buys some revieling lingery and takes a sexy pose on the bed.

But the husband comes in the bedroom al pyjamad up. Gives her a short good night, goes to b...

A couple are going out for the night, but the husband forgets to put the cat out.

So he runs back into the house and the wife gets into the taxi. Not wanting the driver to know that the house will be empty all night, she says, "My husband just went to say goodnight to my mother."

After a few minutes, the husband comes back and gets into the cab, saying, "Sorry, the damn th...

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A little boy is lying in bed, busting to go to the toilet.

So he gets out of bed, runs downstairs into the living room, and finds his mother chatting to a bunch of her friends.

"MUM," the boy yells at the top of his voice, "I GOTTA PISS! I GOTTA PISS!"

Well, needless to say, the mother is mortified at her son's language in front of her guests...

A son has just gotten his report card, it's not good....

"Hello father, here's my report card....", the son says.
"All Cs!" His father is furious. "Son, if you don't improve your grades by next term I will disown you....if you don't get As, I don't want you to call me father any more!"

.....next term comes and goes.....the son gets his ...

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3 guys and a witch....

In a small village there is a long standing rumour that the nearby woods was inhabited by a witch, several missing people and some strange smoke from a seemingly abandoned hut had fuel the rumours for years.
One day three local men decided enough was enough and made way to the woods for a few day...

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A marine, army ranger and navy seal are all on a plane.

The pilot radios in that the plane is experiencing uncharted turbulence. He advises the men to gather their survival gear and prepare for a crash landing. All three servicemen look at each other and decide jumping from the plane would be a better option than going down with it. They all parachute ou...

Julie’s mum and dad had brought her up well...

But now she was off to university and they were worried that their beloved daughter would struggle to maintain their standards once away from parental supervision. Her mum came up with an idea, and extracted a promise from Julie that, before she did anything (eyebrows pointedly raised) for the first...

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How The Government Works

One day, a teacher assigns her kids to do some homework; ask their parents/guardians what the government is, since that's their next lesson. Little Johnny, one of her students, goes home that night and asks his father.

"Well," Dad says, "Think of it this way. I'm the president, Mom is the Con...

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The man who turned into a chicken

John went to bed, kissed his wife goodnight and closed his eyes to sleep.
He suddenly woke up with a jolt and saw an elderly bearded man dressed in a cowl standing next to the bed.
"Who the hell are you, and what are you doing in my bedroom?", John said.
-"You're not in your bedroom", the m...

"Scary Snack" - A joke told like a horror story

After just arriving to his new home, little 7 year old Johnny was so excited. He just couldn't wait to run inside, find his new room and start unpacking all of his toys.

The afternoon passes, dinner is eaten, and the majority of essentials are where they are needing to be. His parents help hi...

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There was a man. An especially unattractive man.

He had sex when he was younger. But the older and uglier he grew the less women wanted to be with him. At present he hadn't had sex in over 30 years. No prostitute would sleep with him. Not even a blowjob or a handjob. Such was his level of ugliness. He had given up on jerking off years ago. He need...

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[Long] One of my favorite jokes from BoJack Horseman

Okay so there's this gardener right?
So the amazing thing about this gardener is that he always knows exactly how many bags of mulch he needs for a job, just by looking. Like he gets it right, every time. He's the best.
So one day, he looks at a yard he's working on and he's like... 18 bags. S...

Band Jokes!

I'm a band geek and love terrible band jokes. Here are some of my favorites!

How do you get two piccolos to play in tune? Shoot one.

What is the best use for a clarinet? Kindling.

What is the difference between a saxophone and a lawn mower? You can tune a lawn mower.

What...

Credit to /u/Poem_for_your_sprog

He sat and sighed beside the road -

His engine's gasket blown.

His car was old and cold and towed.

The man was left alone.

-

'I need to find a place to stay

Until it's fixed,' he spoke -

But as he rose to walk away

Arrived a band of folk.
...

Wally's Wedding Night

At 85 years of age, Wally married Anne, a lovely 25 year old. Since her new husband is so old, Anne decides that after their wedding she and Wally should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may over exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
...

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Drunken reincarnation

James, as usual, came home really late one Saturday night after being at the bar all night drinking. Not only was he drunk, he was sloppy drunk. He carefully crept into bed next his wife, who fell sleep angry hours earlier, and gave her a goodnight kiss on the check in hopes that she wouldn’t wake u...

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