UPJOKE
embraceclinchlovekisscuddlegreetingbosomsqueezearmgoodbyekissingsmilelaughchuckletears

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the urinal didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

I told my wife she needed to start embracing her mistakes.

So she gave me a hug.

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

Son : "Daddy, I fell in love & want to date this awesome girl!"

Father : "That's great son. Who is she?"

Son: "It's Tina, the neighbor's daughter".

Father : "Ohhh I wish you hadn't said that.I have to tell u something son, but you must promise not to tell your mother.Tina is actually your sister."

The boy is naturally bummed out, but a coupl...

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A no arm no leg guy is tanning in the beach....

When three hot babes walk by. The bosomy blonde walks up to him and ask " You poor man, have you ever been hugged? "
" No I haven't" he replied.
The blonde proceeds to hug him pressing her soft large bosom again him. He uncontrollably sports an erection.

The smoking brunette noticin...

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

I see now that not being hugged enough as a child was just preparing me....

....for social distancing.

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Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman from South Alabama arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of dice. She says, "I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I play topless."

With that, she strips to the waist, rolls the dice, and yells, "Come on, Southern girl needs new clothes!" As the dice bounce and come to a stop, she jumps up and down and squeals, "Yes! Yes! I won! I won!" She hugs each of the dealers, picks up her winnings, and her clothes, and quickly departs. Th...

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Onestone

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The wor...

I think this one was here but saw it a few years ago so i decided to post it.

Little Jimmy was once playing with his dinosaur toys on the backyard, when his older brother Tony walked towards him with a brand new baseball bat, ball and glove.

Jimmy noticed it and gasped "Tony, how did you get all those cool toys?!"

"Simple" Tony chuckled "Just go to an adult, and...

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On a beach

Man sat on a towel on a beach. He had no arms or legs. 3 Women walked past & felt sorry for him. 1 said “U ever had a hug?” He said “No” so she hugged him & walked on. 2nd said “U ever had a kiss?” He said “No” so she kissed him & walked on. 3rd said “U ever been fucked?” He said “No” as...

Hey I've got 70 ways to cheer you up. First is a big hug.

The rest is 69.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

The Politician and the Afterlife

While walking down the street one day, a high ranking politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official a...

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He’s armless

A man with no arms or legs is sunbathing on the beach. He is approached by three beautiful young women who take pity on him. The first says to him, ‘Have you ever been hugged?’

The man shakes his head, and she leans down and gives him a big hug.

The second says to him, ‘Have you ever b...

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An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her Father cursed her heavily. 

'Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?'

The girl, crying,...

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

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(Long) The Amputee

A woman is walking down the beach when she spots a man with no arms and no legs crying.

"What's the matter honey?" she asks.
"I was just thinking about love and life, and how I've never really been hugged before." He replies with tears in his eyes.

Feeling bad for him, she decide...

Bachelor shopping

A man, enjoying bachelorhood while his wife was away visiting her parents, lived like a typical bachelor, living on whatever was in the pantry.

Cauliflower in the fridge? Fry them with the eggs found there and that's lunch and dinner. Don't want to cook? Open up the cans of soup in the pantry...

Three nuns died in a fiery bus crash....

St. Peter met them at the Pearly Gates and welcomed them to heaven. "Welcome, my dear sisters. We are glad to have you here, but unfortunately, we are having some issues with restructuring at the moment, so all souls that come here for the next week will be allowed to live a week in the life of a pe...

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A man goes to the beach and sees a woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline.

He walks up to her and asks her what's wrong.

She says, "I've never been hugged before."

The man hugs her, says, "There, now you've been hugged," and leaves.

The next day, another man goes to the beach and sees the woman with no legs and no arms, crying by the shoreline. He walk...

Some people just need a hug...

Around the neck...with a rope

I wanted to improve my physical affection skills, so I went down to the library and took out a book called “How to Hug”...

...You can imagine my disappointment when it turned out to be volume six of the Oxford English Dictionary

A man walks in his front door, and is confronted by his wife, friends, parents. Everyone he loves is in this room. His wife comes up and hugs him...

“Honey. We all love you, but we need to talk to you.” She says gently.

“About what?” He asks, still in a bit of shock.

“You’re addicted to gambling.” She lets a single tear trickle down her cheek, forcing a weak smile.

He pauses for a long moment...

“FIVE BUCKS SAYS I’M ...

So, last semester I met this guy in my business class

He was cool & an international student. His name was Ving and was from China. His English was really good for a second language, better than I could ever be learning a second language. We’d often hang out and I show him the sites and tourist destinations in my city. He's much cooler as well as b...

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

It is 30 years today since the unlawful imprisonment of John Hugs!

Unfortunately my 'free hugs' campaign isn't going well right now.

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This is a joke don't get butt hurt

A Beer is always wet, a woman is not..1 point for beer!

Beer is horrible, when it is hot..1 point for women!

A cold beer satisfies you..1 point for beer!

For a beer, you pay taxes..1 point for women!

If you take a second beer, the first one doesn't get angry..1 point ...

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A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying

He says: I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why.



The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons?



Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me.



Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason ...

I need a hug.....

..e amount of money

A man walks up to a widow at her husband's funeral

"Would you mind if I said a word about your husband?"

She nods, so he walks up to the podium and says "Plethora".

Returns to the widow and she hugs him and says, "Thank you, that means a lot."

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A Valentine’s Day Story

A boy was walking home from school when he passed by a stray cat. The cat was trying to drink water that had spilt on the tarmac near it. The boy saw that the tarmac was dirty, and was worried that the cat would get sick if it kept drinking the water. He started to slowly walk towards the cat while ...

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

Heavy Petting Zoo

Wife comes home to hearing disturbing squealing noises from the upstairs bedroom. She hesitates for a minute as her mind jumps to the very worst horrific possibility of her already shattered excuse of a marriage; then proceeds to venture up the stairs closer and closer to the sloppy wet splashing an...

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue.

I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home...

Pointing a knife at me...He asked me "your money or your life!"
I told him I am married...so I have no money and no life...
We hugged and cried together
It was a beautiful moment...

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A man is about to marry a woman with a beautiful younger sister

A week before the wedding the younger sister invites him over, under the guise of discussing something for the wedding.

Once he arrives, she proposes that they should have sex as he’s still a free man and she knows he finds her more attractive than her sister that he is to wed.

The man...

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

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A man goes to see a doctor about his stuttering problem.

The doctor enters the exam room and says "Good afternoon! What seems to be the problem?"

"Ww... wwh... well," says the man, "I ha... have have thissss... t.. t... terrible stutter alm...most mh... mh... mh... my wh... who.... whole l.. life. P..P..People make... fu...fu..fun of me. I ca.. ca....

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

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40 years settled

*A woman goes to prison to visit her husband who has just been sentenced to 40 years in jail.*

*As soon as she enters the visiting room, she hugs him and exclaims with tears in her eyes: - "Oh! Roger, 40 years, Roger.?"*

*And the husband replies:*
*"Well, my love, what are you goin...

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I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy...

and my face smashes right into the mirror.

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A Russian moves to America

(Mild swearing at the end)

A young man from the depths of Siberia, Dmitri, moves to America hoping to start a new life. He buys a nice apartment, lives comfortably and integrates himself into the community, as a fine, upstanding citizen of New York.

6 or 7 months later, his old friends...

I go to hug my girlfriend..

She asks me "What do you have on that smells so good?"



I said I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it.

Lovelorn

I was very shy when young, so to help me I searched for books on the subject.
I bought a book called ‘How to Hug’. Unfortunately it turned out to be part of an encyclopaedia collection

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.”

Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out. Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.”
Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I kn...

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still dada's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

What aquatic animal likes hugs and kisses?

A cuddlefish

There was once a dog who wanted to be a bear...

He wandered out into the forest and befriended an old bear. After a while, he revealed his desire to be a bear.

Okay said the bear, I'll give you the skin of a bear that just died. Wear the skin and act like a bear.

But remember that us bears are not like you dogs. When you dogs greet ...

Trump comes to the fortune teller

Trump comes to the fortune teller and asks how she sees his future.
She looks into the crystal ball and says:
You are travelling down the Constitution Ave. On both sides are cheering and happy crowds with flags and flowers...Go on, tell me more! Jumps Trump.
Everyone is happy, people are ...

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"I'm so lucky to have you." I said. "You support me, take my shit and let me hug you when I'm drunk."

I love my toilet...

And God said unto Adam, "Adam, my son, go and give your wife a hug"

And Adam said "Lord, what is a 'hug'?"

And God told Adam, and Adam went to do as God told him.

And God said unto Adam, "Adam, my son, go and give your wife a kiss"

And Adam said "Lord, what is a 'kiss'?"

And God told Adam, and Adam went to do as God told him.

And G...

Snakes can't hug.

They just ssssssssnuggle.

By mistake his Phone rang in Church during prayers...

The Priest scolded him ...

After prayers, the congregation admonished him for interrupting the silence.

His wife lectured him on his carelessness until they got home.

One could see the shame, embarrassment n humiliation on his face !!

*He has never stepped into the Church...

Married couple after 20 years

The couple goes to a psychologist because after 20 years of marriage the man is depressed ...
Gets them a young and beautiful psychologist and when asked what his problem is, he pours out a long and detailed list of what he had to endure in his 20 years of marriage:
Lack of attention, lack o...

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People always say Hugs not Drugs

But whenever i call my dealer he calls me gay!

P.S: I regret nothing.

Bert and Ernie served as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years.

Bert and Ernie worked together as daytime radio hosts for over twenty years. They'd traded jokes, played pop music and generally made peoples lives a touch brighter as they trundled to their workplace.

Now though, there was a silence on the air. Ernie silently reread the fax from civil defen...

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As you know, last year's Furrycon got out of hand. This year, I'm cracking down. Zero furry porn, and figure-hugging fursuits that are tight against the buttocks will not be allowed. This rule is 100% non-negotiable.

No yiffs, no butts.

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One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

One day a woman was checking her husband's phone.

There were three contacts of ladies saved in it, The Lady that is tender, The lady that is Amazing, and the lady of my dreams.

The wife called the lady that is tender and her husband's mother answered.

Then she called the lady th...

I was waitering the other day and a nice old man asked me for a little spoon

so I gently lay him down and hugged him from behind

I've been craving KFC for weeks...

But due to a COVID lockdown, I couldn't get it delivered.

When the lockdown was finally lifted, I made my usual order of an 8-piece bucket--extra crispy, with a side order of mashed potatoes and gravy.

I waited by the door for 5 minutes...10 minutes...15 minutes... After 20 minutes, I ...

Jesus is back...

Two homeless friends meet in a small british town on a Sunday morning after a long time.

*We must celebrate, let's have a drink, what do you have on you?*

*I only have a few Euros, and you?*

*Me too, hardly enough to have a nice drinking day.*

After a moment of silence, t...

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

This girl asked me If I won a million what will I do with it? I told her: I'm gonna give it to you. She seemed happy and hugged me

the poor thing thought I'm talking about the million.

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Billy was the first person in his small town to go to college.

After he’d been there a few weeks, he lost all his money at a fraternity card game. He thought about his options and had an idea.

His father had just written him to ask how things were going. Billy wrote back and said, “Dad, you won’t BELIEVE what they can do at this school! They can teach...

How do you call three hippies hugging a tree?

A treesome.

Ever Date a Tennis Player?

Remember Love means nothing to them.

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One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug.” The daughter look...

A married couple were walking through a garden

when suddenly a dog ran towards them.

They both knew it will bite them..

The husband lifted his wife to let the dog bite him rather than his sweetheart.

The dog stopped before them, unsure what to do, barked a little and ran away.

The husband put his wife down, expecting ...

I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she

licked my face and wagged her tail!

Little Johnny and his ball

###

Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, "Mommy, Mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs and my ball got away and into your closet, and when I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door and they started hugging and kissing and the lady next door took off ...

Free hugs

Who is this person and why are people trying to get them free?

Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

What do you call a snuggly rabbit?

Hugs Bunny

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An Irish Tale

The daughter of a poor Irish farmer had not been home for over five years. When she did return, her father cursed her heavily.

“Where have ye been all this while, lass? Why did ye run off and not write us, not even a line? Why? Can ye not understand the pains you've poor ol' mother through? A...

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There was a King who's Queen was horny af

She couldn't last a day without sex and was quite a seductress. He had no problems with this as she was super hot and she was always by her side but one day the king had to go to a nearby village to quell an uprising for a few days. There was nothing he could do to avoid it and taking the Queen with...

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A man is walking down the beach and comes across a girl with no arm or legs crying:

Man: "What's the matter?"

Woman: "I've never been hugged before."

The man moved by compassion leans down and gives her a hug and begins continuing down the beach. Seconds after he leaves, he hears her sobbing once more and turns around.

Man: "What's wrong now?"

Woman: "I...

2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

Just did some crunches while hugging my cat

Just trying to get purrfect abs

Whenever somebody calls me ugly, I get super sad and want to hug them.

I know life is tough for the visually impaired.

A mother and her child were hugging ...

"Mommy," says the child, "am I adopted?"

"No, sweetie," replied the mother. "We haven't managed to find someone who will take you."

Joe saw a man wearing a t-shirt that said "Free Hugs". He was having a pretty bad day so he decided to give the guy a hug.

The guy wrapped his arms around Joe and gave him a firm embrace, then whispered in his ear "$10.00 to let go".

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A man with no arms and no legs sits at the beach pondering his lonely life

3 beautiful women walk by and the first woman taking pity on the man walks up and asks "Have you ever been hugged before?"

"No" says the man. So she hugs him and walks on.

The 2nd woman also taking pity on the man, walks up and asks "Have you ever been kissed before?"

"No" the m...

Mom's Advice

Mom was cautioning daughter, "When your boyfriend wants to kiss you, then say "DON'T" and when he hugs you, tell him "STOP"
The daughter came back home happy.
Mother asked, "So you sure did what I told you to?"
The daughter said, "Yes Mom, I was so excited that I used both words together...

My friend Jack …

… woke up on January 1st 2021, glanced over at his wife Edna and was suprised to see that she looked weirdly pixelated.


“Oh my god!” he yelped with a look of confusion and growing concern on his face, “What happened last night?!”


Seeing his expression, Edna reached over to ...

My car ran out of gas, and then started hugging everyone...

It was on E

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Oldie but goodie. A man with no arms and no legs is hanging out on a bridge, crying.

A lady walks up to him and asks “why are you crying?”. The man responds “I was born with no arms and no legs, and life has been cruel. I’ve never felt the embrace of a woman giving me a hug”.

So the lady wraps her arms around him, tells him it’s gonna be okay, but he’s still crying. So she as...

A couple of cows were smoking a joint while playing cards....

That’s right, the steaks were pretty high.

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

"Do you know my father is a doctor?"

Guy 2: Wow! My father is a doctor too!

Guy 1: Phillip is my last name.

Guy 2 [excited]: Omg! My surname is Phillip too.

Guy 1: I'm 23 years old.

Guy 2: What? Get out of here [laughing], I'm also 23 years old.

Guy 1: Don't tell me that you are born on the 14th of Au...

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a room on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but the elevator is broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sad stor...

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