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Hug Jokes

Always hug your enemies

Then you'll know what size the hole needs to be in your garden

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A man with no arms and no legs is sunbathing on the beach

A beautiful woman walks over to him and says “awww you poor thing! I bet you’ve never been hugged before have you?”

He replies: “well, no actually I haven’t!”

She leans over and gives him a big hug.

“I bet you’ve never been kissed before either, have you?” she asks.

Once ...

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Two bored male casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blond woman arrives and bets $20,000 on a single roll of the dice

She says, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.” With that, she strips down, rolls the dice, and yells, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!” As the dice come to a stop she jumps up and down and squeals, “YES! YES! I WON, I WON!”

She hugs each of the de...

What's the circumference of a hug divided by the diameter of a hug?

Grapple Pi.

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A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach...

A woman with no arms and no legs was lying on the beach as a fit, handsome man walked by.

"Sir," she said, "Would you do me a favor? I'm very lonely here. Would you give me a hug?"

"Certainly," he said, and knelt down to give her a hug.

She blushed and said, "That was wonderful....

The Ancients spoke of a wise healer who hated to be hugged. He lived by one rule.

Don't squeeze the shaman.

I see now that not being hugged enough as a child was just preparing me....

....for social distancing.

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I hug my girlfriend really tight after sex.

That way she deflates quicker.

When someone calls me ugly, I get sad and hug them

I know life can be difficult for those with weak vision.

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A man with no arms and legs was sun baking on the beach.

A gorgeous blonde was walking past him, stopped for a second with a tang of pity in her eyes.

“Have you ever had a hug?” She asked.
“No.”
So with an “aww”, she gave him a big hug.

Two minutes later, another beautiful woman was walking past the man.

“Aw look at you honey. ...

Walking through the woods a man comes up to another man hugging a tree with his ear firmly against the tree.....

Seeing this he inquires, "Just out of curiosity, what the hell are you
doing?"

"I'm listening to the music of the tree."

"You gotta be kiddin' me."

"No, would you like to give it a try?"

"Well, OK..." So he wraps his arms around the tree and presses his ear up against ...

A little girl says to her mother: "Mummy, when you were away at work a strange lady came around"...

"Not now," says Mummy. "Wait until Daddy gets home."

So they wait until Daddy gets home, and then Mummy says "Now dear, what were you saying about Daddy and the strange lady?"

And Daddy starts to say something but Mummy says, "You keep quiet - I'll be talking to my attorney in the mo...

As a good deed, I leaned over and hugged someone who looked disappointed.

The guy at the urinal didn't seem to appreciate it, though.

I need a hug.....

..e amount of money

Sometimes, I will squat to the floor, hug my legs, and lean forward.

That's just how I roll.

Snakes can't hug.

They just ssssssssnuggle.

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A limbless woman crying on the beach.

A limbless woman is sitting on the beach crying as a man approaches her.

“What’s wrong?” He asks.

“I’ve never been hugged before...” she responds.

The man hugs her and she stops crying for a second. Then the man walks away and the woman continues crying.

A little whil...

Some people just need a hug...

Around the neck...with a rope

2 boys were talking...

2 boys were talking and one said to the other, "There is an easy way to earn money..The other boy said, "How?" the boy replied, "Tell people you know their secret."The boy jumps up to his dad, "I know your secret!" dad replies, "Please don't tell your mom heres $10."The boy then runs to his mom, "I ...

Little Johnny was told by his friends that adults have a deep dark secret and can be easily manipulated.

Johnny decides to test it. He comes home, goes up to his mother and says, "Mom, I know everything." Mom shushes him and gives him $10.

"Just don't tell Dad" she says.

*Hey, it's working* thinks Little Johnny.

An hour later, Dad comes home from work. Johnny goes up to him and ...

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My girlfriend invited me to her house to watch Netflix.

She says “Stay here, I have to do laundry really quickly.”

Out of nowhere, her sexy sister comes in and sits by me.

She asks “Do you want to have sex before she gets back?”

I got up and went straight to my car.

My girlfriend was outside the door and hugged me, and said ...

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Son: "Daddy, I fell in love and want to date this awesome girl."

Father: "That's great, son! Who is she?"

Son: "It's Sandra, the neighbor's daughter."

Father: "Ohhh, I wish you hadn't said that. I have to tell you something, son, but you must promise not to tell your mother. San...

Truth

At school, a boy is told by a classmate that most adults are
hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very
easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth" even when you don't know anything.

The boy decides to go home and try it out. As he is greeted by his mo...

Don't know why everyone freaked when I tried to hug them at the covid center

I was just trying to spread some positivity.

Putin, Zelensky and Biden are on board a plane.

Suddenly, the plane is losing altitude and they are about to crash. On board there are only two parachutes.


Immediately, Putin snatches a parachute and jumps out to save himself.


Biden takes the remaining parachute and gives it to Zelensky: "Save yourself, my friend. I am m...

I mistook another man for my dad and hugged him

...what a faux pa.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

She gave me a hug.

What’s the difference between my washing machine and my wife?

I don’t have to hug my washing machine after I put a load in it

Free hugs

Who is this person and why are people trying to get them free?

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I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy...

and my face smashes right into the mirror.

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A son comes home from school and hugs his mother crying

He says: I don't want to go back to school and I'll give you two reasons why.



The mother says: Ok, what are your reasons?



Son: All the kids hate me and all the teachers hate me.



Mother: You're going to go back to school, and I'll give you one reason ...

I go to hug my girlfriend..

She asks me "What do you have on that smells so good?"



I said I have a hard on but I didn't know you could smell it.

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People always say Hugs not Drugs

But whenever i call my dealer he calls me gay!

P.S: I regret nothing.

It is 30 years today since the unlawful imprisonment of John Hugs!

Unfortunately my 'free hugs' campaign isn't going well right now.

My 10 yr old was hugging the cat

, & whispering to him "I love you so much that you're the 2nd most loved thing in my life." Aww, I thought, she's still dada's little girl. Then she finished her whisper with "But spaghetti is my favorite thing."

What happens when you are hugging Dwayne Johnson and a pig?

You’re stuck between The Rock and a lard place.

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Hot Irish Blonde at Casino

A sexy Irish blonde at a Casino, seemed a little intoxicated
She bet 20,000 Euro on a single Roll of dice.
She said - "I hope you don't mind, but I feel Luckier when I'm nude."
With that, she removed her clothes, rolled the dice and yelled-"Come on baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the D...

A student at a management school came up to a pretty girl and hugged her without any warning.

The surprised girl said, “what was that?”The guy smiled at her, “Direct marketing!”The girl slapped him soundly.“What was that?!” said the boy, holding his cheek.“Customer feedback.”

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Never been hugged

A man and his girlfriend were walking on the beach one day and sees a woman with no arms or legs sitting by the water looking sad. "What's wrong sweetie?" He asks. "I've never been hugged before." She replies. His girlfriend whispers to him "she's so sad, just make her happy." So he leans down and g...

Just did some crunches while hugging my cat

Just trying to get purrfect abs

What aquatic animal likes hugs and kisses?

A cuddlefish

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An Irish Daughter...

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her.
Where have ye been all this time? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old mum thru?
The girl, crying, replied, "Sniff, sniff....dad.....

What did Qatar get after spending billions of dollars to stop LGBTQ+ actions in FIFA 2022?

Half naked Argentinian Men Hugging and kissing each other in the end.

Three writers, Al, Ben, and Carl, who were attending a writing convention, booked a 3 bedroom suite on the 75th floor of a hotel.

When they arrived back at the hotel from the convention, the receptionist told them, "I'm terribly sorry, but all the elevators are broken. In the meantime, you will have to take the stairs."

Now, Al was a writer of funny stories, Ben was a writer of scary stories, and Carl was a writer of sa...

Everyone should go out right now and give ten random people a hug.

I did this earlier and it's lonely in this holding cell. I want someone nice to talk to.

How do you call three hippies hugging a tree?

A treesome.

And God said unto Adam, "Adam, my son, go and give your wife a hug"

And Adam said "Lord, what is a 'hug'?"

And God told Adam, and Adam went to do as God told him.

And God said unto Adam, "Adam, my son, go and give your wife a kiss"

And Adam said "Lord, what is a 'kiss'?"

And God told Adam, and Adam went to do as God told him.

And G...

Today, my son came to me and gave me a hug – out of the blue.

I was very pleasantly surprised – that is, until I heard him tell his father, “You’re right. She did gain weight.”

While walking down the street one day a female head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies.

Her soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance. . “Welcome to Heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”


“No problem, just let me in,” s...

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There's a beautiful blonde woman on the beach, no arms no legs...

A man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, could you please hug me? I've never been hugged before." The man, feeling bad for her, picks the lady up, hugs her, and puts her back down and goes on with his day.

Later that day, a second man walks passed her and she says, "Excuse me, I've ne...

My girlfriend was being very suspicious so I followed her, and now I have a huge problem

I need some advice guys. Recently my gf has been receiving too many calls during very odd hours of the night. She has also been coming home very late saying that she was at a team building meeting at work. I called her boss, and he said they've not had any such meeting for the past month. So yesterd...

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One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug

A mother is in the kitchen making dinner for her family when her daughter walks in. “Mother, where do babies come from?” The mother thinks for a few seconds and says, “Well dear, Mommy and Daddy fall in love and get married. One night they go into their bedroom, they kiss and hug.” The daughter look...

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Three beautiful young girls are walking along the beach when they come across a man sunbathing.

He has no arms or legs. The first girl goes up to him and says, "Have you ever been hugged?"
The man shakes his head, so she bends down and gives him a big hug.

The second girl asks him if he has ever been kissed. Again he shakes his head so she bends down and gives him a long lingering k...

I was thinking of joining the Hug-A-Cactus foundation but

I hear they deal with alot of pricks.

Sometimes I just want someone to hug me and say "I know it's hard, but you'll be okay.

But then I got pregnant.

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A young man tells his Mom he’s gay

A young man decides that the upcoming holiday is a good time to tell his Mom that he's gay. He's in college, making new friends, and will eventually want to bring one of them home to meet the family. He spends the drive home going over the conversation, what he'll say, what she'll say, how he'll ans...

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A monkey walks up to the lion and starts taunting him

"You stupid jerk! You cannot do anything to me", the lioness looks at the lion hearing that and gets surprised of his lack of reaction.

The monkey goes on "Imma fuck your momma you stupid lion!", the lion keeps ignoring the monkey, so the lioness asks "honey are you going to allow this peasa...

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"I'm so lucky to have you." I said. "You support me, take my shit and let me hug you when I'm drunk."

I love my toilet...

a father and his son are having a heart-felt talk.

“my boy”. the father started. “you are now about to became the old coot that i had been, so thus i entrust you with this book, and i hope it would be useful as it was to me.”

the son, curious on the present his father gave him, looked at the title of the book:

“1001 best dad jokes, eve...

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Two Chicagoans die in an unfortunate car wreck.

Tragic, especially considering they didn’t exactly spend their days helping old ladies cross the street or volunteering at the Boys and Girls club. Nope, these fellows went straight to Hades.

The Devil, as is his custom, goes to greet hi...

Three friends, a turtle, a mole and a bear are drafted and have to join the army.

But neither of them want to go, so they need to provide medical proof why they can’t join.

“It’s easy for me”, says the turtle “I am slow.”He enters the examination room and when he comes out, he happily tells his friend that he is in fact too slow.

“Well”, says the mole next, “I am ...

Permits required A woman from Sydney who was a tree hugging, vegetarian and anti-hunter purchased a piece of native bush land in northern N.S.W.

There was a large gum tree on one of the highest points in her property.

She wanted a good view of the natural splendour of her land, so she started to climb the big gum.

As she neared the top, she encountered a koala that attacked her. In her haste to escape, the woman slid down the t...

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The Indian With One Testicle

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle
And whose given name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment,
Onestone finally cracked and said,'
If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!'
The wor...

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Poor mermaid

Paddy English man, Irish man and Welsh man are on the beach. They see a mermaid sitting on a rock. The most beautiful creature they had ever seen.

English man goes up and asks, have you every been kissed? The mermaid is all coy and says no. English man gives her a gentle kiss on the cheek.Wel...

A woman's husband dies, and she spends many years as a widow, missing him terribly.

In time, she too passes away, and is excited to see her husband in heaven.

She runs up to him, ready to give him a big hug, saying, "I've missed you so much!"

The husband says, "Hey, hey, hey, not so fast. The deal was 'til death do we part.'"

A man walks in his front door, and is confronted by his wife, friends, parents. Everyone he loves is in this room. His wife comes up and hugs him...

“Honey. We all love you, but we need to talk to you.” She says gently.

“About what?” He asks, still in a bit of shock.

“You’re addicted to gambling.” She lets a single tear trickle down her cheek, forcing a weak smile.

He pauses for a long moment...

“FIVE BUCKS SAYS I’M ...

A mother is helping her son study for a test

She asks him "What is the capital of Germany?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then asks "What is the capital of France?"

He replies "Berlin."

She asks "What is the capital of Russia?"

He replies "Berlin."

She then hugs him and says "Great job Adolf, you'll do so w...

I’ve always been taught to embrace my mistakes

It’s why I hug my kids each night before bed

My car ran out of gas, and then started hugging everyone...

It was on E

Needed some help with romance, so I took the book "How to Hug" out of the library.

Turns out it was volume 6 of an old encyclopedia.

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Go kill that son of a bitch

One fine morning an English billionaire was taking a walk with his dog. Suddenly a Pakistani came out from the bushes and shot the poor dog three times. The dog died.

The billionaire screamed at the killer, “Why did you do that?”

The killer answered, "Your wife gave me £ 50,000 and to...

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On the sixth day

**ON THE SIXTH DAY... **

**God Creating Spiders**

God: Make it have 8 legs

Angel: Seems excessive but OK

God: And 8 eyes

Angel: You need to calm down a li-

God: Give it a bum rope

**God Creating Kittens**

God: make them fluffy & adorable li...

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Three men are walking down the street when they see two attractive women hugging each other

The homosexual looks away, uninterested. The heterosexual takes a glance, but nothing more. The asexual ejaculates.

"I know where babies come from."

After coming home from school and sitting down on the couch, young Jenny proudly proclaimed "Mommy, I know where babies come from!"

Imagining storks and unicorns, her Mom said "OK, then why don't you tell me Honey."

Jenny says "The Mommy and Daddy take off their clothes and start huggi...

This girl asked me If I won a million what will I do with it? I told her: I'm gonna give it to you. She seemed happy and hugged me

the poor thing thought I'm talking about the million.

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He knows it, everything, the whole truth.

While playing in the street, little Johnny's 9-year-old friend shows him his new bike.

\- “Whoa, where did you get that from” Johnny asks.

\- “Well”, his friend tells him: ‘I bought it for a 100 bucks that I made yesterday.’

Johnny, 9 years old and getting 1 dollar per week of p...

With all this controversy about being friend zoned made me nervous,so one day I bent down and hugged my best friend and told her I love her,and she

licked my face and wagged her tail!

i told my girlfriend yesterday, she should learn to embrace her mistakes

she seemed very content, because she instantly hugged me.

A young Italian couple got married but the man had to go to war before they could consummate their marriage.

He returned a year later battle wounded missing part of his foot and burns on his back. The young lady was living with her mother. When he walks in the door he gives her a big hug and goes up stairs to take a shower.

The mom told the daughter “go upstairs and take care of your wifely duties”...

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Joe Bamboozle knows everybody (long)

Ed and his friend Joe Bamboozle were walking along. They're passing by the signs for the big Taylor Swift concert.

Ed says that he would have loved to get a ticket to the show, but the very worst seat was way out of his price range.

Joe Bamboozle said "Oh, hey, no problem. I know Tay...

I can tell how uncomfortable a person is...

...just by hugging them for 18 minutes.

I was mugged by a thief last night on my way home.

Pointing a gun at me, he asked,

"Your money or your life."

I told him, "I am married, I have no money and no life."

We hugged and cried together.

It was a beautiful moment...

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