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Health Insurance Jokes

Whats the best health insurance in America?

Go Fund Me

A doctor, a health insurance agent and a lab tech walk into a bar. Who pays the tab?

The patient

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

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NATO is like a health insurance...

You want to have it before shit happens, but they wouldn't let you have it because of the pre-existing conditions.

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The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

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Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

I asked my wife to dress up as a nurse tonight to fulfill my fantasy...

That we have health insurance.

American kid: Mommy, what's a "Canadian"?

Well, dear, that's an unarmed citizen with health insurance.

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Three people arrive at the gates of Heaven

St Peter is processing them in. "Name and occupation, please?"

The first one says "Andrea Smith, I was a doctor."

"Of course. Doctors who save lives are allowed. Come in. Next?"

The second one says "Megan Jones, I was a nurse."

"Of course. Nurses who care for the sic...

Good comedy is like health insurance

Some just can't get it

Got this new Italian Health Insurance.

Not only am I covered if, god forbid, someone were to break my kneecaps. But they'll also make it quick.

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

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Health Insurance

A new medical intern was touring the hospital he would be working at, being shown around by the chief of medicine. Walking and talking down the hall they stop at one of the rooms and open the door. They see a man getting a hand job from a female nurse. "What's going on in there?" asked the intern. "...

I told my parents that they should pay for my health insurance

As they are the main contributers to my health issues.

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

Cowboy Insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never."


"Well, ...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

(Long) A man is forced to get a checkup by his health insurance. The doctor excitedly says “we just got this new machine that can accurately diagnose any condition you may have - you just need to pee in this cup…”

The man is like, “what the hell” and pee’s in the cup. The doc comes back with the results and says: “you have a strained elbow.” The man is enraged and says how THE HELL can you say I have a sprained elbow from my PEE?? The doc says, the machine is always accurate. The man “leaving the office fumin...

A health insurance company is offering a cheaper deal to anyone who ticks a box that says they promise not to eat shellfish.

They call it their No Clams Bonus.

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

Hospital bill

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store. The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.
The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.
He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care ...

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

A man collapses on the street and wakes up to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic hospital.

As he was recovering, a nun holding a clipboard came into his room and said she was from the billing department and asked how he was going to pay the bill.

The man said, "I don't have health insurance."

The nun asked if he had money in the bank. He shook his head and replied, "I don't....

I wanted to learn karate, so I walked into a karate studio

But the first thing the receptionist asked me was 'do you have health insurance?'... I do, but.... End of my karate learning.

Well, if that receptionist works at the DMV, I believe the first thing he will ask a driver's license applicant will be 'are you willing to donate your organs?'

Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

Did you hear they're remaking the show, 6 Million Dollar Man?

It used to be about an enhanced human. Now it's just a story about a guy who visits the ER without health insurance.

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Which one?

A man’s wife had some lab work done by their doctor but couldn’t get in to pick up the results so she asked her husband to stop at the clinic for her.

He goes in and tells the receptionist that he’s Mr. Smith and he’s here to pick up his wife’s lab results.

The receptioni...

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A little medical joke

The South African Medical Association has weighed in on the new National Health Insurance proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thoug...

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So Trumpcare will make health insurance harder for the working class & will give the super-rich a huge tax cut, but hey it's time to look at the bright side.

Those old cunts who voted for Trump won't be alive to vote in the 2020 election.

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

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A man is touring a hospital to see how they operate

before potentially donating a large sum of money. The director giving him the tour is taking him around and showing him all of the different rooms. As they're walking, they run into a man who's masturbating. The director apologizes to both the masturbating man as well as the potential donor. Once th...

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New Job!!

A young guy living in Boston recently became unemployed and he immediately went to the nearest job center where he noticed a flyer pinned to the job board seeking a "Gynecologist's Assistant to work at a newly-built 'Soothing Approach Gynecology Center', no experience required".
He was very inter...

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Now that I'm almost 30, there is nothing more sexy to me, than a girl who is fully covered...

...By her health insurance provider.

A husband and wife are out to dinner for their anniversary...

The husband raises his glass and toasts “To 50 wonderful years together. It may not have always been easy, but I have always loved you and been honest with you, and I hope you have always loved and been honest with me as well”

The wife replies, “Well, remember when we were first married and y...

An American walks into a bar and is charged $150,000.

Guess he couldn't afford health insurance.

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Hospital humour

A doctor was doing his rounds on the ward and came across a male patient masturbating. He said to the Nurse in charge, surely you shouldn’t be allowing this to happen on the ward, it’s most inappropriate. The nurse replied, he has HSC (high sperm count), he has to do this daily to bring the count do...

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Doc

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman."That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'...

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A donor is being given a tour of the hospital wing he helped fund...

a young doctor is showing him around and suddenly they open a door and see a nurse giving a man a hand job. The donor furiously demands to know what's going on. The doctor says "oh, that man has a prostate issue and the nurse is doing that as part of the examination". They move along and a short...

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Tennis Elbow (You might have heard it, but it's my personal favorite [worth the read])

Jerry walks into work after a three day weekend. He's complaining about his right arm hurting. He's new, and his health insurance hasn't kicked in yet, so he wants to avoid going to the doctor.

His coworker tells him not to worry.. "There's this new machine down at the pharmacy. You bring...

Why doesn't the United States have universal healthcare?

Because paying for health insurance should give a sense of pride and accomplishment

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Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton are in a bar. Donald leans over, and With A smile on his face, says, "The media are really tearing you apart for That Scandal."

Hillary: "You mean my lying about Benghazi?"

Trump: "No, the other one."


Hillary: "You mean the massive voter fraud?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "You mean the military not getting their votes counted?"

Trump: "No, the other one."

Hillary: "Usin...

A man goes into a job interview

A man, fresh out of college, goes into a job interview and presents himself well. The employer is shocked at how professional he is.

"Wow, you have an incredible resume, and you present yourself fantastically," he says. "Your present lack of experience in the professional world is unconcernin...

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