UPJOKE
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My nutrition store ran out of protein powder today

I was like “no whey”!

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.

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Dear Diary,

Dear Diary,

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called...

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

Asked my girlfriend who’s into fitness and nutrition, to take a break and have a cheat day

She slept with her best friend

According to this nutrition label...

I am a family of four

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An elderly man was having a stroll on the boardwalk when he came by a fisherman yelling..

"Damn fish for sale, only $5. Damn fish for sale, only $5!"

The elderly man walked up to the fisherman and exclaimed "That fish is the source of your livelihood. You shouldn't disrespect it by calling it a damn fish." The fisherman was taken aback and told the elderly man that he meant no di...

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The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attac...

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Purina Dog Food diet

Yesterday, I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Chew-Barka, the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out.

A woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? Since I'm retired, with little to do, I told her that No, I didn't have a dog, and that...

I bought some Boost nutritional supplement. The bottle said: “shake well before using.”

What are you supposed to do if you have city water?

What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?

A war of nutrition

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

It turns out scientists have found a cure for weeaboos. It was a nutrition problem all along!

Too much manganese.

A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant traveling..."

"The animals are trained," says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55-foot motorhome equipped with a large nursery."

"How will you ed...

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A buddy of mine told me he gets great nutritional value from eating poop.

Really, I just think he's full of shit.

I don't know what all these "Nutrition Facts" competitions are on the back of all my food.

But Fat is always winning.

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There was a vulture who had a rebellious son.

He would preen his feathers so they stood up, hang out with raccoons, and generally be a nuisance to the rest of the flock. Thinking that it was just a phase, his father didn't worry too much about it and hoped that one day his son would grow up.

However, one day his son came home with terrib...

What does a woman want?

Equality
Safety
Education
Independence
Nutrition
Love

What does a man want?
Woman

Happy Woman’s Day!!

Medical Checkup

GP: You have too much sugar in your diet. I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers. They’re much better for you nutritionally.

Patient: Ugh do I have to?

GP: Doctor’s hors d’oeurves.

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

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Coffee and a Blowjob.

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane “Bob”. The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight at...

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Happy Dog Chow

Last week at Walmart I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, a giraffe?

Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on ...

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

The Fruit Revolution

So humanity progresses enough in technology to create super genetically modified fruit. These fruit are ten times larger than their natural counterparts and contain fifty times the nutrition. Obviously, this becomes a great success and scientists continue to make and improve the genetically modified...

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Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

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