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Nutrition Jokes

My nutrition store ran out of protein powder today

I was like “no whey”!

Have you read the nutritional information on a box of Fruit Loops?

You're better off eating the toucan.

According to this nutrition label...

I am a family of four

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The final word on nutrition and health.

The final word on nutrition and health.


1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than the English.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attac...

I put my Dobermans on a vegan diet and I'm worried about their nutrition.

Between the five of them, they're getting through a vegan a week - am I overfeeding them?

Johnny is at it again.

Johnny's teacher is giving a lesson on Nutrition, and she
decides to ask her students what they had for Breakfast.
To add a Spelling Component, she asks the students to also spell their answers.
Susan puts up her hand and says she had an Egg, 'E-G-G'
'Very good', says the tea...

Are we really expected to eat three square meals a day?

I'm sure triangles and circles provide equal nutritional value.

I bought some Boost nutritional supplement. The bottle said: “shake well before using.”

What are you supposed to do if you have city water?

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A buddy of mine told me he gets great nutritional value from eating poop.

Really, I just think he's full of shit.

What do you call a food fight that's been going on for years?

A war of nutrition

It turns out scientists have found a cure for weeaboos. It was a nutrition problem all along!

Too much manganese.

I was at the supermarket the other day...

I was at the supermarket the other day, buying dog food. As I was standing in line for the cash register, there was a lady behind me asking me if I had a dog (beacuse why else would I be buying dog food, right?!) Anyway, my inner demon woke up, so I told the lady that I don't have a dog, but that I ...

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New Diet

So I’m at Walmart picking up a bag of dog food for my dog. Waiting in the long line the lady behind me strikes up a conversation. She asks if I have a dog, and I think, why else would I be carrying this big bag of dog food?
Then I said “No, I’m starting the dog food diet again. Even though...

If a biologist studies biology and a nutritionist studies nutrition

Trump must be an expert at studying races.

A husband and wife who own a circus walk into an adoption agency looking to adopt a child.

"Are you sure the circus is the best place for a child?" asks the social worker. "I mean, all those dangerous animals, the constant traveling..."

"The animals are trained," says the wife. "And we have a state-of-the-art 55-foot motorhome equipped with a large nursery."

"How will you ed...

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If scientists perfect our nutrition so that our bodies metabolize 100% of what we eat with zero waste, we may evolve to a pinnacle of civilization. Why?

There will be no more assholes in the world.

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Buying dog food

One day I was at Wal-mart buying a bag of dog food. While in the check-out line, a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. Why else would I be buying dog food, RIGHT???So on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog. "I'm starting the dog food diet again. I probably shouldn't because I ended up ...

What does a woman want?

Equality
Safety
Education
Independence
Nutrition
Love

What does a man want?
Woman

Happy Woman’s Day!!

Medical Checkup

GP: You have too much sugar in your diet. I recommend swapping desserts for appetisers. They’re much better for you nutritionally.

Patient: Ugh do I have to?

GP: Doctor’s hors d’oeurves.

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An elderly man was having a stroll on the boardwalk when he came by a fisherman yelling..

"Damn fish for sale, only $5. Damn fish for sale, only $5!"

The elderly man walked up to the fisherman and exclaimed "That fish is the source of your livelihood. You shouldn't disrespect it by calling it a damn fish." The fisherman was taken aback and told the elderly man that he meant no di...

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Russian Military Rations

Several generals from different countries are sitting together in a bar. After a some while of small-talk, the american general starts bragging about how the US Army was recently able to improve the nutritional value of their field rations to 4000 Calories. To which the russian general replies: "Bul...

Tide is fully embracing their new consumers with their new Tide Pod containers...

They just changed their “active ingredients” to “nutrition facts”.

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Jizz Swallower

A professor is teaching a food nutrition class and stumbles onto the topic about the high glucose content in semen. Midway through the lecture, a student raises her hand and asks a question.

She asks, if there is so much glucose content in semen, why is it salty and not sweet?

The whol...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

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Happy Dog Chow

Last week at Walmart I had a big bag of Happy Dog Chow in my cart, and as I passed a woman shopper she asked me if I had a dog.

What did she think I had, a giraffe?

Well, I’m retired and always on the lookout for fun, so I told her I didn’t actually have a dog, but I was starting on ...

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Coffee and a Blowjob.

A friend of a guy in the Nutrition School at Tufts was one of the lucky passengers on board a Northwest Airlines flight to Boston during our recent hurricane “Bob”. The captain did his best to skirt the edge of the storm, but it was a pretty rough ride just the same – rough enough that the flight at...

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Weight loss program

An overweight guy is begging his doctor to help him lose weight. After some discussion, the doctor understands how desperate he is, so he offers to tell him about an unconventional technique.

"Anything, Doc! I'll do anything!"

"Well, the human body can absorb enough nutrition from the ...

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The Gym (at 40) - Try and read this without laughing out loud!

Dear Diary

For my fortieth birthday this year, my wife (the dear) purchased a week of personal training at the local health club for me.

Although I am still in great shape since playing football 24 yrs ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.

Called ...

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