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Aids Jokes

Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

There was a German, an Italian and an Irishman on death row.

The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die:

1. To be shot
2. To be hung
3. To be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death.

So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head.". Boom, he was dead instantly.

Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead...

“What do we want!?” “Hearing aids!”

“When do we want them!?”
“Hearing aids!”

What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy that gave it to him.

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

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How did humanity discover AIDS?

They fucked around and found out.

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Doctor, I came to pick up my wife’s results…

- Well… I had a little problem with the results. I accidentally scrambled them with another patient, we don’t know if she has aids or alzheimers.

+ What should I do now?

- Leave her in the middle of the forest, if she comes back, don’t fuck her.

If life gives you AIDS...

Make Lemon-AIDS.

Hearing aid

Having lost most of his hearing a number of years ago, this elderly man goes to the doctor to be fitted with hearing aids which promise to allow him to hear 100%.

A month later, he returns to the doctor for a check up on his progress. The doctor tells him that his hearing is perfect and asks...

I sent my hearing aids for repair 2 weeks ago

Haven't heard anything since

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

I've a joke about AIDS.

Hope no-one gets it anymore.

Doctor: You have AIDS and alzheimer...

Patient: At least I don't have AIDS

There's only one problem with North Korea's miracle cure for AIDS and Ebola:

The directions say the medication must be taken with food.

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Doctor : Your wife has either AIDS or Alzheimer's

Husband : Doc! Is there anything I can do!!
Doctor : Drive her 2 miles from home and drop her off, if she comes back, don't fuck her.

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Aids or Alzheimer's

A man takes his wife to the doctor. The doctor says "Well, its either aids or alzheimers."

"What do you mean?" the guy says, "You can't tell the difference?"

"Well, the two look a lot alike in the early stages." said the doctor, "Tell you what, drive her way out into the country. Once ...

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

I got hearing aids last week

I shouldn't have used that q-tip I found on the men's room floor.

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What the first symptoms of AIDS?

A pounding sensation in the ass.

AIDS, herpes, syphilis, and a timeshare. Which one doesn't belong?

Syphilis. You can get rid of that.

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Got Aids

This guy is banging this girl, the girl asks "You haven't got aids have you?" He replies "No" she responds "Oh, thank fuck for that! I don't want to get that again!"

Some idiot bet me $50 that I couldn't name an illness worse than aids.

I said "I definitely *can sir*".

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My friend sells hearing aids over the phone (he really does) my favorite joke is:

"Hello, can you hear me?"

"Yes."

"Shit"

Click

I have AIDS and Alzheimer's

Thank goodness I don't have AIDS

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my boyfriend has hearing aids.

i asked him, “how did you get hearing aids?” he replied, “phone sex, darling.”

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

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Girl: “Forgive me Father for I have sinned”

Priest: “What did you do dear?”

Woman: “I called a man a son of a bitch.”

Priest: “Why did you call him a son of a bitch?”

Woman: “Because he touched my hand.”

Priest: “Like this?” (as he touches her hand)

Woman: “Yes father.”

Priest: “That’s no reason to ca...

Hear about the baby with AIDS?

It never gets old...

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Aids or Alzheimers

A woman noticed her husband wasn't quite the same as he used to be. So she takes him to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the woman into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The woman says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I go...

Your parents in 1996: Don't trust ANYONE on the Internet.

Your parents in 2017: Freedom Eagle dot Facebook says Hillary invented AIDS.

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Alzheimer’s or AIDS?

A man brings his wife to the doctor. At the end of the appointment, the doc tells him “we can narrow it down to one of 2 diagnoses: it’s either Alzheimer’s or AIDS.”

The man responds “doc, I gotta know which it is. How do I find out?”

The doctor responds “drive her out into the woods...

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.

I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.

Get AIDS from a toilet seat

A patient says, Doctor, can I get AIDS from a toilet seat?


The doctor replies, Yes, but only by sitting down before the last guy gets up.

Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal!

Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?

Paul: It is half past 9.

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

What do you call an old man with his hearing aids turned off?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

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Aids...

-What would prevent AIDS from spreading in Africa?
-Sex only after lunch

What's meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him.
Via shared needles.

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?

Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

So my ex called me this morning, and said “Jason, I have aids.”

And I called her back and said, “I know.”

My uncle just died of AIDs...

I should probably get myself checked out

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Most people get AIDS from sex.

Bill Clinton got sex from aides.

What's more fearsome than a Grizzly bear with AIDS?

The guy he got it from.

What do successful businessmen and aids patients have in common

They both take risks and get positive results

Right next to aids.

My dad often tells me im his least favorite STD

An Irishman is diagnosed with incurable cancer.

An Irishman named O'Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O'Malley in the eye and said, "I've some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can't be cured, you'd best put your affairs in order."

O'Malley was shocked and sad...

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Cure for AIDS

Doctor : Eat lots of raw peppers, and spicy food.

Patient : How will that cure my AIDS?

Doctor: It won't, but now you know what your asshole is for.

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

Which is worse having AIDS, or dying in a plane crash?

I think it's probably worse having AIDS, in fact I'm positive.

What has aids and flies?

Africa.

Tell them I died because of aids...

Dad: Son when I finally die, tell them that I died because of aids.
Son: Why aids dad? You're dying becuase of cancer!
Dad: So that when i die nobody would date your mom! She is now wearing skimpy shorts I aint even dead yet!

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Billy's diagnosis

Billy was just diagnosed with a terminal cancer. The doctor gave him 3 weeks to live.

Billy came home and called his son upstairs. With a heavy voice, Billy said “I have cancer and I only have 3 weeks left to live. It is in our family’s tradition to drink ourselves out in such events.” The s...

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Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.

Just Undo It.

I got an email from my ex, telling me that she has AIDS.

I didn't know how to comfort her, so I just wrote back "I know."

I was so worried about my AIDS test...

so I crammed the night before.

I've decided to start a buisness selling hearing aids to pirates

I'm going to charge a buccaneer

What STD do sailors get the most?

Merm-aids


(Inspired by a Family Guy joke)

I told my doctor I have hearing aids...

... but he insists it's just an ear infection...

Just found out my gramps has aids.

Apparently they are in his ears??

What type of AIDS virus only Jewish people can get?

H Oy Vey

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

How did the tugboat get AIDS?

It was rear-ended by a ferry.

I got aids in prison..

Hearing aids. I should've used them though, I might've been able to hear the guy that snuck up on me in the shower and gave me HIV.

What's easier to get, aids or lung cancer?

Depends what you smoke.
(Not native speaker, sorry if it doesn't make sense)

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