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A guy's wife faints one day, so he takes her to the hospital. After a full day of tests on the wife, the doctor approaches the husband wearing a grave expression. He says: "I'm afraid I have some bad news. We know that it's either AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The husband breaks down, and says "Oh my god, what do I do? What do I do?"

The doctor replies: "This is exactly what you need to do: Drive her home with you now, but drop her a couple of blocks from the house. If she finds her way home *don't fuck her*."

I've a joke about AIDS.

Hope no-one gets it anymore.

“What do we want!?” “Hearing aids!”

“When do we want them!?”
“Hearing aids!”

Common sense is like AIDS.

Some are born with it while others have to get it pounded into them.

What's meaner than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy that gave it to him.

I sent my hearing aids in for repairs three weeks ago

I haven't heard anything since

A Father Notices His Son's Bedroom Is Spotless, Then Finds An Envelope

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

An old guy tells his friend, "Hey Lou. I just bought a new brand of hearing aids. $15,000! But they're worth it!" Lou's impressed and asks, "What kind is it?"

The old guy says, "A quarter past three."

I got hearing aids last week

I shouldn't have used that q-tip I found on the men's room floor.

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How did humanity discover AIDS?

They fucked around and found out.

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"Forgive me father for I have sinned."

woman "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest: "What have you done my child?"

woman: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

woman: "Because he touched my hand."

Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

...

My new hearing aids are so good, they're restored my hearing fully

- That's awesome, how long have you had them?
- About 200$

I'm releasing a new line of sleep aids featuring melatonin-infused almonds, cashews, and pistachios.

They're called Doze Nuts.

British teenager Emma Raducanu has just won $2.5m by winning the US open final

Sadly she needed 2 band-aids and a bandage for a cut on her leg in the last game, so she still owes about $25k

Am elderly gentleman with hearing problems goes to the doctor and gets fitted with hearing aids.

After a month he goes back for a checkup and the doctor asks him how things are going now that he can hear everything and if his friends and family have said anything.

The gentleman replied, "I haven't told anyone yet I just sit around and listen to their conversations. I've changed my will f...

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Aids or Alzheimers

A woman noticed her husband wasn't quite the same as he used to be. So she takes him to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the woman into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The woman says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I go...

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A very tall man walks into a bar...

and a lady recognizes him as a pro Rugby player. They start to talk and eventually go back to his place.


They start to kiss, and the man takes off his shirt. On his arm, he has a tattoo that says REEBOK.
"What's that for?" the lady questions.
"Oh, I have this so that when I'm ...

After I'm gone...

A woman walked outside a doctor’s office after recently being diagnosed with cancer. She was grieving but tried to compose herself in front of her daughter, who was waiting for her outside.

She broke the news to her daughter by saying, “We women celebrate every news, whether good or bad. I ha...

So my ex called me this morning, and said “Jason, I have aids.”

And I called her back and said, “I know.”

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

A woman approached me in the street the other day with one of those charity collection buckets and asked me: do you know how often people die from AIDS?

I said: now I'm no expert, but I think it's only once.

Paul: I got these really nice hearing aids. It was an amazing deal!

Bill: Oh yeah? What kind is it?

Paul: It is half past 9.

You know what’s more dangerous than a Pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him...

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

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[NSFW] Did you hear about the guy who hired a.....

...... male prostitute to fuck him in the ear?

He got hearing AIDS

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Guys wife goes to the doctor

So this guys wife goes to the doctor, a few days later he calls the house and the husband answers.

Doc: so the tests haven't come back yet but she definitely either has Alzheimer's or AIDS

Husband: holy shit doc, is there anything I can do?

Doc: yea drive her a few miles from ...

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Son takes his father to the doctor. The doctor gives them the bad news that the father is dying of cancer.

Father tells the son that he has had a good long life and wants to stop at the boozer on the way home to celebrate it.

While at the pub, the father sees several of his friends. He tells them that he is dying of AIDS.

When the friends leave the son asks, "Dad, you are dying of cancer. W...

One thing at a time.

Once upon a time, a little old lady went to the doctor.

She said, "Doc, I don't know what's wrong, but I've had an constant problem with flatulence for weeks now. It's not much inconvenience, because they're quiet, and they don't stink, but I've farted 4 times just while I explained this to ...

What do you call an old man with his hearing aids turned off?

Anything you want, he can't hear you.

Oh sure, when a white man has HIV; people say he has AIDS. But when a black guy has it...

He has Kool Aids

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my boyfriend has hearing aids.

i asked him, “how did you get hearing aids?” he replied, “phone sex, darling.”

Doctor: You have AIDS and alzheimer...

Patient: At least I don't have AIDS

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There once was a wasp that lived in a jungle.

This was not your ordinary wasp though; he was smart, philosophical even. One day he finally got fed up with his repetitive, insignificant life and decided that he would leave his hive, his family, his entire close-knit wasp community and he would go out into the world and make something of himself,...

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Why do doctors recommend avoiding sexual contact with the ears

Hearing Aids

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You can’t catch aids from a parrot

but you can catch aids from a cockatoo

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A guy and a girl go out on a date..

It's going so well, SHE invites him back to her place. They do the horizontal mambo late into the night. Around sunrise, she leaps up in a panic.

"What!? what!?" says the man.

"I forgot to ask you, you don't have AIDS, do you!?" she asks.

"No!"

"Whew! I don't wanna get th...

What does a broken thermometer and AIDS have in common?

They've both wasted Mercury

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Charlie: "I just bought the most expensive, high-tech hearing aids available."

Eddie: "No shit! What kind is it?"
Charlie: "Quarter after nine."

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Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

What's meaner than a pitbull with AIDS?

The man who gave it to him.
Via shared needles.

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