Doctor: You have AIDS and alzheimer...

Patient: At least I don't have AIDS

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A homosexual couple is having sex for the first time

one says to the other "we need to practice safe sex so i brought condoms."

He first puts a condom on his tongue

the second man says to him "why do you need one on your tongue?"

the first one responses with "its for if i do a rimjob"

he then puts 5 on his fingers


I had to present a speech about STDs today.

Unfortunately, to get my point across I had to give everyone visual aids.

Did you know you can catch aids from a New York toilet seat?

If you sit down before the other guy gets up.

A Horse walks into a bar...

Bartender says, “why the long face?”

Horse says, “because I’ve got AIDS”

Q: What's the first symptom of AIDS?

A: A steady pounding sensation in your ass.

My dad told me he just got one of the best hearing aids money can buy.

So I asked him "what kind is it?"

He said "about 4:30".

What do you call a bee with AIDS?

HIVE Positive

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A girl goes to a Chruch to confess

Girl : "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

Priest : "What have you done my child?"

Girl : "I called a man a son of a bitch."

Priest : "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

Girl : "Because he touched my hand."

Priest : "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

What's more fearsome than a Grizzly bear with AIDS?

The guy he got it from.

A vampire was about to attack a woman in a dark alley. She screamed and said "please don't, you wouldn't want me, I have AIDS"

"Don't worry, I have a condom" the vampire replied.

What's more dangerous than a pit bull with AIDS?

The guy who gave him AIDS.

A man goes to his male doctor after several tests and tells him, "Give it to me straight doc!"

The doctor replies, "That's impossible, we're both male." They both laugh and the doctor says, "Besides, I don't want AIDS"

Three weeks ago I sent my hearing aids off for repair.

I've heard nothing since.

I never watch Ted talks about aids

Some ideas are not worth spreading.

Right next to aids.

My dad often tells me im his least favorite STD

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An elderly couple go to the doctor. The doctor says the wife either has Alzheimer's, or AIDS.

"Well, how do we find out which one?"
"Is there a market in your town?"
" the middle of town. Is that relevant?"

"Very relevant! What I want you to do, is take her to the market, and abandon her there!"
"Abandon my wife? But she might have Alzheimer's! What do I do then...

What is the worst thing a doctor can tell an AIDS patient?

Q: What is the worst thing a doctor can tell an AIDS patient?

A: Stay positive.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

AIDS or Alzheimer’s

A man noticed his wife wasn't quite the same as she used to be. So he takes her to the doctor. The doctor does a bunch of tests. He calls the man into the office. He says, "Well, I've narrowed it down to two things. It's either Aids or Alzheimers." The man says, "Oh, My God!!!! What am I going to do...

Son leaves a note

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up. Then he saw an Envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Dad.'

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the...

Guy goes in for a checkup...

... Doc says, "Mister, I've got bad news, and I've got worse news. Which do you want first?"

The guys says, "Jeez Doc, I guess give me the worse news first."

Doc says, "You've got AIDS. You're gonna die."

"Oh man that's terrible! What's the bad news?"

Doc replies, "You've...

A group of deaf people get together to protest

The group begins chanting

“What do we want?”

“Hearing aids!”

When do we want them?”

“Hearing aids!

Statistically, older people are the most common carriers of AIDS...

Hearing Aids, Walking Aids, Seeing Aids...

Which is worse having AIDS, or dying in a plane crash?

I think it's probably worse having AIDS, in fact I'm positive.

What's big, black and loaded with aids?

A new Cadillac Escalade with cruise control, lane alert, navigation, downhill descent control and parking assist.

What do we want?

Hearing aids!

When do we want them?

Hearing aids!

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A man takes his wife to the doctor

A man takes his wife to the doctor and frantically says,

“Doctor, doctor, doctor! You gotta help my wife! I think there’s something wrong with her!”

The doctor checks out his wife, and then finally says, “Alright, you are definitely right. She definitely has something wrong, and I’ve ...

I've decided to start a buisness selling hearing aids to pirates

I'm going to charge a buccaneer

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

A guy picks up a beautiful blonde girl and takes her back to his place...

They have wild passionate sex and lay there panting when it's all over. All of a sudden, she sits up all scared.

"Wait! We should have used a condom! You don't have AIDS, do you!?"

The guy says, "No. I'm clean."

"Whew," the blonde girl says. "Good thing. I sure wouldn't want to ...

A man has been sleeping around and was worried he may have contracted AIDS. He goes to the doctor to get a check up. The doctor returns and says “I have two good news for you”

The man perplexed but hopeful asks: “what’s the first good news?”

Doctor replies, “you don’t have AIDS!”

The man relieved but now even more curious asks the doctor, “then what’s the other good news?”

Doctor responds, “we found a new strain of STD and they’re going to name it aft...

Tell them I died because of aids...

Dad: Son when I finally die, tell them that I died because of aids.
Son: Why aids dad? You're dying becuase of cancer!
Dad: So that when i die nobody would date your mom! She is now wearing skimpy shorts I aint even dead yet!

I was pretty sure my girlfriend didn’t have AIDS...

but now I’m positive.

Life expectancy of AIDS patients can be 30-40 years.

No wonder all the africans want to get it, it could triple the length of their lives.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

An older gentleman goes with his wife to the doctor.

The doctor asks to see the man alone in the hallway.

Once they're alone the doctor says to the man, "There's been a mix-up in your wife's test results. It might take a few days to a week to clear up. What we do know, though, is that she either has AIDS or Alzheimer's."

The man cries ou...

I love volunteering at the AIDS clinic.

Everybody is so positive.

Nike has come out with a bra that aids virgin boys.

Just Undo It.

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

Most people get AIDS from sex

Bill Clinton got sex from aides

What type of AIDS virus only Jewish people can get?

H Oy Vey

This joke may contain offensive words. 🤔

All those years of phone sex has caught up with me...

I now have hearing aids

Kids in class were asked to write 3 diseases

One kid wrote:

2. Cancer
3. /

The teacher asked what's '/' ?

Student replied it's a stroke.

My doctor said he could give me some aids for my erectile dysfunction.

I told him that didn't sound like a good trade.

I told my doctor I have hearing aids...

... but he insists it's just an ear infection...

I was so worried about my AIDS test...

so I crammed the night before.

What's the difference between having AIDS and having kids?

Everyone considers you a hero if you beat AIDS.

What's the hardest part about hearing your sister has AIDS?

Acting surprised

How did Aids originally jump from chimpanzees to humans?

Tarzan was not a virgin when he met jane

TIFU by sending the wrong thing to Africa

After working for the UN for awhile, I discovered that I was supposed to send aid to Africa... not AIDS.

Just found out my gramps has aids.

Apparently they are in his ears??

My uncle just died of AIDs...

I should probably get myself checked out

What do you not say to someone going on for an AIDS test?

Think positive

John: Doctor I heard you can get AIDS in the public toilets. Is this true?

Doctor: I mean... yeah, but it's uncomfortable.