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Told my wife I was so stressed that only a blowjob would help.

She asked me where I was going to find a dick to suck at this time of night.

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Masturbation is perfectly normal and healthy. It releases dopamine and reduces stress. Improves prostate gland and cardiovascular health.

Still got thrown off the bus.

My mate Dave's always been the kind of bloke that gets stressed over everything

...but lately he doesn't seem like he's got a care in the world.

"Why are you so laid back all of a sudden?" I asked him.

"I've hired a professional to worry about all my problems for me," he replied. "Only costs me a grand a week."

"A grand a week? How the hell are you going to...

For the first time in history, a US president haven't grown old, gray haired and tired by the stressful tasks of his presidency ...

... Instead everyone else did.

Dogs are getting stressed and confused because they’ve noticed their owners are now wearing masks

Cats are unaffected though as they’re yet to notice their owners at all

What did one guitar say to another guitar when it was feeling stressed out?

Hey man, don't fret.

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Why was working in the butter factory such a high stress job?

Because there was no margarine for error.

The Covid19 situation has been especially stressful for the Flat Earth Society.

They fear that the social distancing measures could push people over the edge.

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My ex used to have sex with fruit when she was stressed.

When we broke up she went fucking bananas.

My son was getting super stressed learning about decimals.

I guess you could say it was getting pretty tenths.

What's the difference between a stressed and an unstressed syllable?

Vacation.

do NOT— and I cannot stress this enough

wake me up before you go-go

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Things you can burn for stress relief

Sage

Lavender

Racists

Marijuana

Paedophiles

Frankincense

Apparently the first dog in space died of stress

It was probably because of the vacuum

A guy walks into a bar after a stressful day at work and gets a beer for himself

As he sits there, alone in the bar, he hears a high-pitched voice say, "That shirt looks great on you!”
The man looks around, doesn’t see anyone, and returns to his drink thinking nothing more of it. But then, a moment later, the voice returns, this time offering, “You seem like a really cool guy...

Half an year ago, a middle-aged man, walking home after a long and stressful day of work, found an old, crusty lamp in an abandoned alley.

"What harm could it do," he said out loud, and gave it a rub.

A genie emerged, exclaiming, “All behold, I, the most powerful genie!! My might is unparalleled, my power is incomprehensible, and I shall grant you 3 wishes for freeing me from my prison...”

"I am a simple man with a simpl...

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Studies suggest that masturbation is twice as effective as sex for dealing with stress.

So one in the hand really is worth 2 in the bush

A South American man has died due to stress over COVID-19.

Nobody could control Hispanic.

One day, Pete complained to his friend, “My head really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor.”

His friend said, “Don’t do that. There’s a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply tell it the problem, put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose it and tell you what you can do about the issue you’re having. It only costs $...

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Tom had been in the liquor business for 25 years. Finally, sick of the stress, he quits his job and buys 50 acres of land in Alaska, as far from humanity as possible

. He sees the postman once a week and gets groceries once a month. Otherwise it's total peace and quiet.

After six months or so of almost total isolation, someone knocks on his door. He opens it, and a huge, bearded man is standing there.

"Name's Lars, your neighbor from forty miles up...

Why do fish gets stressed ?

Current events

I'm so stressed that I'm going to try that Chinese thing with the needles, what's it called?

Oh yeah, heroin

Why are math books always so stressed?

They have a limitless amount of problems that need to be solved.

So I asked a bomb defusion specialist about the stresses of his job...

...he said there aren't any because either he's right or it's suddenly not his problem.

My wife is stressed out not being allowed to leave the house or socialize.

And now, with this coronavirus thing...

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A man goes to the doctor because his penis has turned orange.

After a thorough physical examination:

Doctor: "We can't find anything physically wrong with you that would turn your penis orange. I'll be honest, I've never seen anything like this, perhaps it's a psychological issue. Have you been under a lot of stress lately, maybe at your job?"

Ma...

Covid 19 has been realy stressful for Flat Earthers

They fear that quarantine could push people off the edge

>!I apologize cause I completely ripped this off someone else's twitter!<

Stressed because you finished Avatar: The Last Airbender?

We call that Aangxiety.

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Whenever my wife gets stressed, she likes to have sex with fruit. Ever since this pandemic started...

She's fucking bananas...

I wasn’t doing great in school, I was stressed out and acting up, so the school tried this new technique on me.

It’s called a de-tension.

Stress is when you wake up screaming

and you realize you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Life on Earth is pretty stressful.

We are all under a lot of pressure atm.

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The little known legend about Attila the Hun

The story goes that Attila used to collect exotic animals that he found during his conquests. He particularly liked dangerous or fearsome animals, and his favourite was a giant snake. He was so fond of it, it was said that he brought it with him on every campaign.

But his snake lost its appet...

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A gambler gets a notice from the IRS that he is being audited.

The gambler calls his tax attorney and they go to see the IRS agent. As they are waiting in the office, the IRS agent looks over his paperwork and says: “The reason for your lifestyle is that you have a relatively lavish lifestyle but not much income to justify it, can you tell me what you do for a ...

Are you a word with stress on the second syllable?

Because iamb

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And then the fight started . . .

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, 'What's on TV?'

I said, 'Dust.'
  
And then the fight started...

----------

My wife and I are watching "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do yo...

Why did 10 have post traumatic stress disorders and night terrors?

Because he was smack dab in the middle of 9 11

My doctor suggested yoga to reduce stress.

I told her that sounded like a stretch.

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I was recently in a car accident and had to have both my legs amputated.

After the crash pretty much everything went to shit. I started getting nightmares from the stress, I lost my job from being unable to work, even my wife left me.

Honestly it feels like I dont have a leg to stand on at the moment.

A woman gets her husband's test results

"Well", the doctor says, "your husband could get very old, but you have to keep an eye on him. He must not get agitated, for the least worry could worsen his heart condition. He needs to have a strict diet that you'll have to prepare for him, and you have to make sure he exercises. Keep anything awa...

A man suffering from terrible stress goes to a psychiatrist for help...

He sits on the couch and jitters nervously.

"What seems to be the problem," the Psychiatrist asks.

"Well Doc, I've been having these two reoccurring dreams for months, and they're really starting to worry me. I'm sleeping less because I'm scared and it's taking a toll on me"

"I...

Working at the unemployment office is extremely stressful

Even when you get fired you still have to come into work the next day.

So i bought some of that Anti-stress shampoo.

Don't know why people like it so much, I drank the whole bottle, I feel worse if anything.

The Last Day

All arrivals in heaven must go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.

The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a...

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After a stressful takeoff

The pilot forgets to turn off the mic and says to the co-pilot, "Damn, i could really use a hot cup of joe and a blowjob right about now!".

The air hostess quickly runs back, panicking to the cockpit to warn the pilots.

As she is running a passenger yells "Dont forget the coffee!".

Actual conversation today. My wife: "i'm tired of anaesthesiology. What other area of medicine should I try?"

Me: I don't know. Emerg?
Wife: Nah, I want something lower stress. Hey, what about sleep medicine?
Me: Sleep medicine?
Wife: Like, helping people with sleep disorders and such. I wonder what sort of education i'd need?
Me: Probably night school.

Wait a minute

Serious answer, here's the longest joke I know by heart.

Three men die and go to heaven. They meet St. Peter at the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at his notebook, then back to them and says "we have something interesting here. All three of you died at roughly the same time and in roughly the ...

I was under a lot of stress my height changed

I found it strainge.

2 people are talking after something stressful happens...

Guy 1: "Describe how you are feeling in 1 word."

Guy 2: "Good."

Guy 1: "Describe how you are feeling in 2 words."

Guy 2: "Not good."

Wife drives husband to the doctor....

Husband goes in and comes back out and says, "The Doctor wants to see you alone.". Wife walks in the private office. The doctor tells her, "Your husband is under incredible amounts of stress. You have to help reduce it. You have to lay out his clothes for him the night before. Fix him a healthy, war...

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A man goes to Japan for a business trip

The night before he meets a very important executive he's extremely nervous. So he hires a prostitute to help him relieve some stress. As they're having sex in his room, she moving around a lot and keeps yelling "machigata ana!" The man doesn't know what this means, but he figures that she's enjoyin...

To who ever stole my stress ball

I WILL SLASH YOUR THROAT!

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Mr. Johnson walks into a doctor's office and says to the doctor, "My penis has turned orange."

The doctor asks to see his penis, and sure enough, Mr. Johnson's penis is as orange as a carrot.

"What's wrong with my penis?" asks Mr. Johnson.

"When someone's penis turns a strange colour," says the doctor, "it's usually because of stress. Have you lost your job recently?"

"Y...

Another long and stressful day of work for the doctor is coming to an end

He really is at the end of his patients

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

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What do you say about someone holding a poo emoji stress ball?

Somebody who knows how to handle their shit.

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My therapist asked me if I was a stress eater. I said of course I'm not a stress eater.

If I could eat stress, I wouldn't need to eat all this food when I'm stressed out!

Why was Gandalf hunched over and stressed out?

He was short-staffed.

The T-Rex waiters and waitresses at the restaurant seemed really stressed out

I guess they must have been short-handed

I just bought a book about combatting stress-eating.

It was delicious.

Stop telling me to wear a mask!

It's stressing me out so much that I can barely breathe and I'm getting a fever.

A kid is playing video games in his room, minding his own business.

His mother walks in. "Tommy, I want you to meet my new boyfriend".

"I've got a 3 kill streak leave me alone" he cries, eagerly gripping his controller.

A minute or so later, her boyfriend walks in. "Hey champ, how you doing?"

Tommy ignores him.

"Don't like champ, huh? How...

It was funnier in my head...

A man covered in blood limps into a hospital with a missing arm and yells, "I NEED A DOCTOR NOW!"

They rush him to a doctor and the doctor says, "I understand that you are stressed out but I need you to calm down and answer a simple question. Have you had an apple today?"

The man is no...

Why was the playboy stressed?

He had a lot of thots in his mind.

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The empress was stressed.

The empress was stressed. Her servant suggested that maybe she could use a little sexual relief. Agreeing to the plan she sent the servant into the city to fetch her a suitable man. The servant returned with three men.

First man stepped forward. "Beneath me," the empress scoffef.

Secon...

I used to rub and tie my hair together whenever I got stressed.

Now I’m dreading the consequences.

What does a webpage do after a stressful day?

Refresh

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Having sex whilst camping is stressful

It's fuckingintents

A girl from work was stressed out that her ride couldn't pick her up, so she asked if I'd drive her home because it was raining heavily and she didn't want to walk home. I agreed.

Once in the car, we got to talking, mainly about everyday things, what we
liked doing, eating, then about work for a bit.

With the conversation flowing, we got to her house fairly quick. She thanked
me, went to get out of the car, stopped for a moment, looked at me and said,
"How the...

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she's had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she's leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that, the moment she walks through the door, the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

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Blonde Helping a Trucker

A blonde lady motorist was about two hours from San Diego when she was flagged down by a man whose truck had broken down……

The man walked up to the car and asked, "Are you going to San Diego?"

"Sure," answered the blonde, "do you need a lift?"

"Not for me. I'll be spending th...

OC- A man goes to the psychiatrist.

A man goes to the psychiatrist and says, "Doctor, my job is so stressful, I can't sleep, I think I'm depressed!"


The psychiatrist listens and says, "Ah, yes, I have a prescription for that," and sends the man on his way.


A month later the man comes back and the doctor asks how ...

I was stressed and unhappy with my life, so I moved to Los Angeles

Now I have SoCal anxiety

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A guy who works in a big city has been feeling super stressed so he decides to ask for some time off in the countryside.

He goes to his boss and asks for 5 days off so he can relax and enjoy a countryside vacation, just him and his dog. His boss says that's ok, so he goes home, packs some stuff, puts his dog in the car and starts driving.

After a couple hours of driving he finds himself in one of those "endless...

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A plane crashed in the Pacific Ocean and only three people survived.

Eventually, with the tide, they luckily got carried to shore on a deserted island. These three people, two men and a woman, were smart enough to gather everything they could to set up camp.

After three months of surviving and a long discussion with the other man, the first one went to the gi...

I suspect there is some truth in this...

Doctor : The patient died due to the coronavirus

Relatives : It wasn’t the virus,he had a heart attack

Doctor : Really, why did he have a heart attack?

Relatives : He was really upset and was continually under a lot of stress

Doctor : I see. Why was he upset?

...

A guy goes to a hooker for the first time

So he doesn't know what to do.
After the woman undresses, she sees the guy laying on the bed, stressed out with his clothes on, so she says

- Let me take off Your pants, and I will suck it

And the guy replies

- My pants are dirty, You can suck my shirt instead

Why was the meteorologist so stressed?

The job is full of high pressure.

Three of a kind

Coral turns white when it gets stressed. What could coral be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Eletrical engineers make mistakes when they get stressed. What could an eletrical engineer be stressed about you ask? Current events.

Berry farmers are seeing a drop in productivity du...

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I majored in Exercise Science in college..

In one of my earliest classes, my professor explained the principal of "use it or lose it". Basically, if you don't work out and stress your muscles and nervous system on a relatively frequent basis, as you get older your muscles, reflexes, and overall abilities will diminish over time. She tells th...

Why does the Mexican Air Force stress out Donald Trump?

Bc he can’t stand the sound of twenty Juan pilots.

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My therapist says my job is too stressful and driven by competition, so she recommended meditation.

I think I'm a natural talent. I finished my first 5 minute meditation in under 2 minutes 49 seconds.

Bro how do you manage your stress

Bob: Mike, I've a personal question. How do you manage the stress that comes with this work.

Mike: Bob that's very simple. When I reach home, I take my wife to a nice fine dining. I get her a nice bottle of wine, good food and amazing dessert. After that, my wife gives me so much pleasure in ...

Police found a man dead, hanging from the rafters, in an apparent suicide.

Inside the pocket of his trousers was a note explaining the reasoning behind his suicide. The note explained that he lead a straight edge life style and that he was suffering from PTSD for three months, ever since his friends forced him to smoke weed with them.

He was unable to handle the st...

My mom entered my room and found me all stressed out facing my PC.

"Having trouble with your computer?" she asked.
"Yes, it seems not to find the new printer," I replied.

My mum looked round my room then replied, "I'm not surprised. Look how messy your room is."

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Not sure if this joke is originally from my language or if it is an old joke which is stolen then translated to my language but thought I’d share it

Three man were lining up to heaven when st. peter explained that their death was not planned and that it has happened due to unforeseen and unknown circumstances. Because of this heaven wasn’t prepared for their coming and would need them to wait outside for a long time. However, pitying their early...

Best things to say if you're caught sleeping on your desk...

“They told me at the blood bank this
might happen.”


“This is just a 15 minute power-nap as
described in that time management course you sent me.”


“Whew! Guess I left the top off
the White-Out You probably got here just in time!”


“I wasn’t sleepin...

I once worked with a very musically talented Jamaican who, after years of auditions for various instruments, got a gig in the local orchestra playing the triangle - not his first choice. One day he came in super stressed looking. I said "What's up? Can't handle the pressure of performing on stage?"

He says, "You have no idea mon, I be responsible for every ting."

After a stressful day, one man comes home and sits in his backyard, drinking a beer.

As he's getting up to get a snack, he stops and asks, "Jesus, what is the
meaning of life?"

To which Jesus replies, "You slave in the sun to support the ones you love.
You make money so you can buy things for your family to keep them happy."

The man asks, "Jesus, why is life so h...

On a flight from Dubai to NYC, I met a cheerful gentleman from Pakistani. He stressed that Pakistan is now a new country, peaceful & totally against terrorism

To prove his point, he decided not to hijack the plane.

A goodbye before you die

Clarification: this is a pretty popular joke, so sorry if you've already heard it.

A little girl is laying down in her bed, with her parents at her side, about to go to sleep. As she does every night, she says a prayer:

"Good night mommy, good night daddy, good night grandma and goodb...

Anthony arrived home from work one day, only to find his wife totally stressed out because their kids had been running wild all day...

She asks him if he would please take them out for a pizza.

He agrees, tells the kids to go out to the garage and to wait in the car, following behind them.

A few moments later, the wife hears two loud bangs.

Tony comes back into the house and asks, "Where's my pizza?"

My parents keep complaining that I'm unemployed. I don't know why all the stress, I already made my resume.

Companies are welcome to come and take it. I'm home 24/7.

I saw a job posting for an Astronomer and it sounded pretty stress free.

I’d just do a bunch of light reading all day.

I got fired for getting stressed and kicking the project I was working on.

I'm sorry, but defusing bombs just makes me really anxious sometimes.

Copy-editing is a very stressful line of work

Every time one of us misses a period, we get really nervous.

Harry has been having heart issues for sometime now but he kept procrastinating a doctor's visit until his wife finally forced him to go.

After a thorough physical exam, the doctor walked in with the results but he said he wanted to talk to Sally first and asks Harry to wait outside.

Sally asks "How is my husband?"

The doctor said "Your husband's heart condition is a result of years of stress. If things continue this way...

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office.

After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “Your husband is suffering from a very severe stress disorder. If you don’t follow my instructions carefully, your husband will surely die.

“Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Be pleasant at all times. For l...

A stressed Referee goes to a psychologist

He breaks down in front of the doctor, complaining about feeling depressed, and loathed, always disappointing somebody no matter what he does. The doctor is highly sympathetic, and offers comfort - "It must be so hard, I'm glad you came to me. I can help" The doctor starts writing something on a pie...

I've been feeling really stressed lately, so my doctor advised me that before going to bed, I should drink two glasses of red wine, after a hot bath, but to be honest, it's not really helping at all...

...I can't even finish drinking the hot bath.

A blacksmith is stressed

So he goes into his shop and starts holding a sword straight against the grindstone. His apprentice comes in and asks
"What are you doing?"

"Oh just taking the edge off"

Whenever I get stressed out I cut shapes out of wood with my jigsaw...

A jigsaw is a great coping mechanism.

Stressed? Anxious? Unhappy?

Ask your doctor if alcoholism is right for you.

I'm stressed. Sometimes I identify as a tipi. Other times as a marquee.

My psychiatrist says I shouldn't worry though, I'm just being too tense.

Levels of stress.

1) You pick up a hitchhiker, A beautiful young girl. Suddenly she faints inside your car. You take her to the hospital.

-Stressful

2) But hospital says she is pregnant and you are going to be a father. You swiftly say that you are not the father, but the girl says you are!!

-Ver...

Why was the computer stressed after work?

Because it had a hard drive.

A stressed out young attorney walks into a bar

He was texting

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A Stockbroker moves to Scotland

A Wall Street Stockbroker decided one day he’d had enough of stress and moved to rural Scotland. His cottage was miles away from the next one and he found the tranquility relaxing.

After a few days he answered a knock at the door, before him stood a Scotsman in a kilt; 6’9 tall, ginger hair ...

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What did the stressed-out man say after he finished masturbating?

Well, that's a load off my mind.

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After a night out at the pub with his buddies, Carl came home rather drunk.

He slid into bed, kissed his wife on the cheek and fell into a deep sleep.

He awoke before the Pearly Gates. St. Peter said, “You died in your sleep, Carl.”

Carl was stunned. “I’m dead? No, I can’t be! I’ve got too much to live for. Send me back!”

St. Peter said, “Hmm, perh...

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I was just offered a stressful job being a tester for super strength Viagra.

I’m thinking of taking it. How hard can it be?

Being A Valkyrie would be stressful as all hell:

Everyone would be dying to meet you

This is a short story about Kanye West

After a long day of work, Kanye West goes to his Kanye Nest to take his Kanye Rest. He wakes up feeling his Kanye Best. Then he’ll get Kanye Dressed on his Kanye Vest to go on a Kanye Quest. He goes to church and becomes Kanye Blessed, then to a hotel room to be a Kanye Guest. Then to school to take...

I got home after a stressful and demotivating day to find my wife moving my whisky collection up to a high shelf.

I can always rely on her to lift my spirits.

My wife walked into the house after a long day at work. She looked tired and stressed. I said, " Did anyone tell you, you look beautiful?"

She smiled and said, " No"

I said, "One day, one day"

Husband and wife have trouble conceiving.

So they go to the doctor. By the end of the visit, the doctor determines it’s their stress causing the problem and their constant planning is a major contributor.

He tells them not to worry and as soon as they are in the mood, don’t hesitate and make love.

A month later they come bac...

Whenever I’m stressed, I lay my head on my keyboard and scream.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

I went to r/thanosdidnothingwrong to de-stress.

Now I can't wait for the snap.

I lost my child, and you cant imagine the stress...

that just went away.

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"Doc, you gotta help me. I'm under a lot of stress. I keep losing my temper with people."

Doctor: "Tell me about your problem."

Patient: "I just did, you fucking jackass!"

With how crazy stressful running the US is;

It's amazing Putin has time for Russia.

This is a long one so stay with me (Not my joke my friend just told me)

One day a girl was saying her prayers. She said, “Goodnight Mom. Goodnight Dad. Goodnight Grandma. And GOODBYE Grandpa.” The next day the grandpa died. A few months later the daughter is saying her prayers. She says, “ Goodnight Mom. Goodnight Dad. GOODBYE Grandma.” Grandma dies the next day. Anothe...

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