What do you call the Mental Health class at Hogwarts?

Defence against the Dark Thoughts.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Welcome to the Mental Health Helpline. Please listen carefully to the following options:

* If you are obsessive-compulsive, please press 1 repeatedly.
* If you are co-dependent, please get someone to press 2 for you.
* If you have multiple personality disorder, please press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
* If you have Tourette's Syndrome, please say "CUNT!" after the tone.
* If you have sch...

I hate the stigma around mental health

Immediately when I got medication for schizophrenia, my friends won't talk to me anymore.

The UK is officially changing its name in honor of mental health awareness.

The new name being "U.O.K.?"

If you care so much about my mental health...

...then gimme some brain

My school had a mental health fair

But I didn’t have any to give, so I didn’t bother going.

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Therapist “how’s your mental health?” Me “well lets just say there is no health anymore”

Im just mental now.

Hello, and Welcome to the Mental Health Hotline:

If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5 and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you ar...

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We all have to be careful because people are facing mental health issues from being isolated for so long

In fact, I have been discussing with the microwave and toaster during coffee break and we all agreed that things are getting hot.

I spoke with the window this morning cos it was very open about it.

I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she puts a different spin on every...

I told my friend that I was feeling suicidal. He told me to talk to the mental health clinic for help

They seemed totally against the idea, I guess I’ll do it myself!

I've been doing my psychology PhD thesis on the mental health and wellbeing of little people. After 4 long years and multiple studies, I've concluded...

6 out of 7 dwarves aren't Happy.

The problem with treating mental health

Is that it's all in your head.

Do you really care about somebody else’s mental health...

...if you don’t post on your story about it?

My mom wanted me to see the doctor for my mental health

but the couch convinced me not to go

Apparently people who exercise have been shown to recover better and be less at risk from mental health issues...

So who said you can't run away from your problems.

During this lockdown, please think of the confidence level and mental health of your companies IT person.

They have gone more then three months without being able to look you in the eye without smirking, while first turning your computer off and then on again, before accessing the admin profile to delete then add the wireless printer again so you can print your emails.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Hi, I'm a mental health therapist helping people to be more at peace with their lives. Check out my Instagram!

I'm a content creator.

Hello, welcome to the mental health hotline.

If you are Obsessive Compulsive, press 1 repeatedly. If you are codependant, have someone press 2 for you. If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5,6. If you are paranoid, we know which one you want.

My mental health is like a rainbow

All over the spectrum

Recent research shows that horses tend to have much better mental health than other farm animals

Due to their stable environment

Did you hear about the doctor who sent a group of crows to a mental health institution?

He committed a murder.

At the mental health clinic.

A fresh patient arrives and is being guided around by a staff member.


"This right here is John" sais the staffer "he is a paranoid delusional"


"Oh dear!" speaks the newbie "do you really think they are out to get you?"


"No!" shrieks John, tears running down his eyes,...

A blonde woman goes to the doctor

She says "Doctor, I recently started talking to myself a lot and I'm worried about my mental health"

He calms her down and says "Don't worry, people talk to themselves all the time, I do it too"

So then she responds "Yeah but you're talking to a doctor, I'm just talking with this dumb ...

I have a weird mental health issue where I have to get out and pull my car every time I go through a tunnel.

It's car-pull tunnel syndrome.

New study shows procrastination is as harmful to mental health as alcohol abuse

To combat this, I've decided to form Procrastinators anonymous, please consider joining it!

Why can't you hear a psychiatrist go to the bathroom?

Because the 'P' is silent.


I work in mental health and a patient told me this one the other day

Little Jimmy is in first grade...

All his art work he has been bringing home from school is in black and brown. Fearing this may indicate a mental health problem, his parents take him to a psychologist for evaluation.

The psychologist says "First I would like to see a sample of your art work" and hands him a sheet of paper...

While on a road trip, an elderly couple stopped at a roadside restaurant for lunch. After finishing their meal, they left the restaurant, and resumed their trip.

When leaving, the elderly woman unknowingly left her glasses on the table, and she didn't miss them until they had been driving for about forty minutes.

By then, to add to the aggravation, they had to travel quite a distance before they could find a place to turn around, in order to
retur...

It's so hard to remove Trump from the White House.

Because it's difficult to remove a mental health patient from government housing.

Depression in Mexico

There are been a sharp increase in depression in Mexico since Trump got into office on the platform of building a wall between the two countries.

Leading mental health experts have said that sadly many Mexicans will never get over it.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the ranger?

Once, there was a ranger who took care of the local parkland. Everybody liked the guy, and he was dedicated to his job - stopping people from shooting the deer in the park, maintaining fences and gates, that kind of thing. He was really good at it, too. During the time the ranger served there, no an...

A man believed that he was a grain of wheat.

As much as Eric’s family would try, they could not convince him that he was in fact a human man, and not a grain of wheat.

The worst was when Eric even sensed a bird was around. Because he thought he was a grain of wheat, he would completely panic and run as far as he could. He figured that b...

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A woman brings her elderly husband to the doctor for his annual check-up.

A woman brings her elderly husband to the doctor for his annual check-up. After the examination, the doctor pulls the woman aside.

"Your husband is in good physical shape," he says, "But I'm concerned about his mental health. He told me that when he gets up to go to the bathroom at night, G...

A mental health facility offers supervised hobbies for its patients.

They have access to painting, exercise, a small library, cooking, all sorts of stuff.

When they paint, they are often instructed to paint their mood, or something they would like to see or do when they are released. Some paint melancholy things, dark with depressive imagery and muted colors. ...

The one about the Pakistani Mental Health Hotline

*Hotline*: Pakistani Mental Health Hotline, how can I help you?

*Caller*: My life sucks, I see no way out.

*Hotline*: Do not worry, we are here to help you.

*Caller*: I'm feeling suicidal. What should I do?

*Hotline*: How close are you to India?

*Caller*: Don't kno...

How do you talk to a COVID denier

Without raising your voice so you do not disturb the other patients in the mental health ward.

In a bid to entice republicans, Biden vows to pick up right where Reagan left off...

With rapidly detiorating mental health.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things have gotten so bad in The US that during the last parade they surrounded Donald Trump with bullet proof glass.

Just because he's a White guy with mental health issues doesn't mean he's gonna start shooting up the crowd

So my friend sent me an invitation to this club

He said that they arranged taco Tuesday at the club. I didn't really feel up to it so I initially declined. He said it was fine but then kept inviting me every week. Every week I kept declining until I eventually gave in and agreed to come.


"Why do you want me to go so badly?"

...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day

I hadn't spoken like a pirate all day, but I work in the ER for mental health and thought it appropriate today to tell the following joke. (An old one of some of you, I'm sure.)





A pirate walks into a bar with nothing but a steering wheel on his dick. The bartender asks,
...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A 90 year old man was having his annual checkup while his family was standing by in the waiting room.

During the checkup, the doctor asked the man if he was having any issues with wetting the bed at night.

The man responded, "No doc, no issues at all with that. On the contrary, when I go to the bathroom, a fairy or something turns the light on when I open the door. And after I finish going ...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There was once an artist in San Francisco...

Every Saturday he would visit Pier 39 and silently sculpt statues of sea animals. But at the end of each session instead of selling these statues he would splash colorful paints on them and then brutally attack the pieces with various tools and only THEN open the items up for bid.

On one Satu...

[Long] Trying to find a date had been really difficult for me recently

I’d been having some mental health issues lately and so my doctor prescribed me with some pills to help treat them. Unfortunately they had the unavoidable side affect of making me hallucinate.

My daily routine didn’t change that much, but it did have a huge affect on my dating game. Every da...

Love him or hate him at least President Trump is raising awareness of one of the greatest challenges facing America.....

....Mental Health. 'Cause either that dude is crazy or I am and my best guess is before all this is said and done we're all going to need a little therapy.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The truckload of penguins

A traffic cop is parked up by the side of the road, watching traffic pass. To his surprise, a flatbed truck crawls by, and the back is filled to the brim with penguins. Unsurprisingly, he wanders what the heck is going on, and immediately pulls out, tailing the truck.

He signals for the drive...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

NEW OFFICE POLICY 2013 Dress Code

ALL EMPLOYEES

1) You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.

2) If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.

3) If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manag...

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