A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

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What kind of insurance do strippers carry?

Labia-ility insurance.

My girlfriend absolutely HAD to call me and tell me this nugget of an original joke that popped into her head while driving. Clearly, she’s a keeper.

Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"

Man: "In the United States."

Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"

Man: "My entire body."

How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one Pence

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Three insurance salesmen were each boasting about there service.

The first one said, "Last month, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. A check was mailed to his wife the next day." "That's nothing," says the second salesman. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within forty-five minutes. That afternoon...

I have a driver's license but it's at home, I accidentally left it with my license plate and proof of insurance.

....I don't get it either but when I told it to the cop he laughed and said that's funny.

I'd much rather live in Norway than Denmark so I don't have to switch insurance providers.

Denmark doesn't have a Blue Cross as far as I know.

What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

I went to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown off, you won’t be covered.”

Insurance money

This is a true story. Stop me if you've heard it before.

Two guys are sitting on the beach, enjoying the tropical environs, sipping their fancy drinks and watching the sun set over the beautiful blue sea.

1st man: Man this is the life.2nd man: Yup, it sure is.

1st: Mind if I...

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Whats a communists favorite insurance company?

Allstate

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap?

NO COLLISION.

Hospital Gown

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you’re covered, but you’re not.

What is Mario's favorite type of insurance?

DentalDentalDental

Why do salmons need no health insurance?

Because they get cured for free.

How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?

The Mexicans start buying car insurance.

My insurance wouldn't cover the my Viagara prescription, so I had to get the generic brand.

Mydixadril

A man and a nun

A man suffered a serious heart attack . The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awoke from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the Catholic Hospital he was taken to. A nun was seated next to his bed holding a cl...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.

"The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.

They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more p...

Cowboy insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never." ...

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits



I'll leave now

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

A priest walks into an insurance office

Priest: "Can you insure against acts of God?"

Underwriter: "... As long as there's no children involved."

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What’s the difference between prostitutes and insurance companies?

Insurance companies can fuck you much harder.

What's a good name for an insurance salesman?

Justin Case

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

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Penis Insurance

An extra smart guy was trying to pull the leg of insurance agent, and asks him: “Do you do Penis Insurance?”

Agent: “Yes sir, we do Penis Insurance.”

Man: “You replace with a new one?”

Agent: “No sir. Once it stops to work, we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of you...

I asked my aging Father why he doesn’t have life insurance.

“Because Son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”

Seems a guy in Texas makes a rolling stop at a stop sign, and gets pulled over by a local policeman.

Guy hands the cop his driver's license, insurance verification, plus his concealed carry permit.

"Okay, Mr. Smith," the cop says, "I see your CCW permit. Are you carrying today?"

"Yes, I am."

"Well then, better tell me what you got."

Smith says, "Well, I got a .357 revolv...

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

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A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

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The Queen of England take a diplomatic trip to the United States....

While there, she visits one of New York's best hospitals. As she is being shown around the hospital by a doctor, she comes across a man furiously masturbating in the hallway. The queen turns beet red and exclaims, "Doctor! Do you see what that man is doing?" The doctor looks then very nonchalantly s...

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...

They assured him he would be covered.

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

Burka Insurance

Did you know that Arabic women can get 100% coverage on burka insurance?

I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

What do you call Batman insurance policies?

Dark Knight returns.

What’s a Canadian?

An unarmed American with health insurance.

Why couldn’t the 3 speed mixer get insurance?

He was high whisk.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the...

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Pulled over by the cops.

I was driving down the i5 late one evening when a cop pulled me over.

Officer: "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"

Me: "Nope."

Officer: "Well, it was pretty fast. License and registration please?"

Me: "I don't have insurance or registration. Plus I stole the c...

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Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

A blonde is driving down the highway

She is applying make-up in her rear view mirror. Her car drifts into the next lane and trades paint with a pickup truck. They pull off to the side of the road, the driver of the pickup truck gets out and he’s fuming. He asks the blonde if she has insurance and she just stares at him blankly... So he...

I just got life insurances

It makes me happy knowing that now my life is worth something.

Three American men are sitting on a beach in the Caribbean sipping their rum and they get to talking...

Soon they happen to inquire about each other's backgrounds.

The first man says, "I used to own a matchstick factory back in California. But one day there was a fire and the entire factory was burned to the ground. I collected my insurance money and decided to retire here in the Caribbean." <...

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So there was this recently separated guy...

So there was this recently separated good looking guy, he was just driving to the movies to watch a film that he’d been waiting to see for ages. Anyhow, as he crosses a junction in the road a car came flying out and t-boned him good. ‘Christ sake’ he thought to himself, ‘I’m just getting over losing...

Florida Woman Stops Alligator Attack Using a Small .22 cal Beretta Pistol

ST PETERSBURG, FL -- This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While out walking along...

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

An insurance-guy knocks on the door. 5-year old Timmy opens up.

Insurance-guy: Can i speak to your dad, please?

Timmy: No, he’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: Oh. I’m so sorry. Can I speak to your mom then?

Timmy: No, she’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: OMG that’s awful. Are at least your grandparents home, or a s...

Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

Insurance companies are warning

Campers if you get your tent stolen in the middle of the night, you won't be covered.

I like my friends like I like my insurance...

With benefits.

Michael Jackson invited a young boy for a sleepover.

Everytime the boy would begin to drop off to sleep, he'd hear a noise, he'd look up and Michael would slink off out of the room and then behind the door. The boy grabbed the pillow and forced his eye to remain open. As soon as the boy fell asleep Michael came back in the room. In the end he could ta...

Insurance shopping

Insurance agent: how many accidents have you had sir?
Dad: 1
Insurance agent: when was that?
...puts phone on hold...
Dad: Son, what is you birthdate again?

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Family reunion with Dad and stepmom

Dear Mom,


We are having a great time here at Camp Hazardous Hills. Grandpa is making me write to you in case you saw the flood on TV and worried. We are OK. Only 1 of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away.


Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on th...

I sat next to an insurance salesman during Robbie Williams performance at the World Cup opening ceremony

And through it all, he offered me protection.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?" The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

A couple, both age 67, went to the doctor's office.

The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man stated, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"

The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There's nothing wrong with the way...

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

I recently got a call from a bank asking me if I would be interested in buying an insurance. Here's how the call went.

Guy on the phone:- Would you be interested in an insurance?

Me:- Oh geez, I can't tell you right now, can you give me your home number so I can call you back?

Guy on the phone:- I'm sorry but we're not allowed to do that.

Me:- Oh I guess you don't want people calling you at...

Elon Musk's Car Insurance

must have skyrocketed today

I heard Eddie Vedder hates every insurance mascot out there...

Even Flo.

What kind of insurance do you buy for a horse and buggy?

Foal coverage

I told my parents that they should pay for my health insurance

As they are the main contributers to my health issues.

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

I always wanted to spend money lavishly.

I just never expected it to be on groceries, insurance, and gasoline.

#ihatebeinganadult

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! H...

Son: what’s a Canadian, mommy?

Mom: it's an un-armed North American with health insurance, honey.

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

A man who thinks he is invisible decides to get help. He walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the receptionist he would like to speak to a doctor, but has no insurance.

The receptionist looks up at him and says, "I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now."

Why did the stripper need more insurance?

She had little to no coverage.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men pay more for car insurance?

Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

When I resigned from my job HR offered me a Cobra...

I turned the offer down because I don’t think it’s safe to own a cobra, especially during a lapse in health insurance.

I love my wife.

She just surprised me with a all-inclusive vacation to the Dominican Republic, and full access to the mini-bar! She even just got me a million dollar life insurance policy.

Hell Yeah!

A husband and wife are out to dinner for their anniversary...

The husband raises his glass and toasts “To 50 wonderful years together. It may not have always been easy, but I have always loved you and been honest with you, and I hope you have always loved and been honest with me as well”

The wife replies, “Well, remember when we were first married and y...

Sales pitch

Bubba Joe's first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the ind...

A 76-year old walked into an insurance office...

and asks to buy a life insurance policy. The salesman asks him how old he is, and he says that he's 76. The salesman replies that you can't buy a policy over the age of 75.

The old man replies "But my 99-year old father came here last week and bought a new policy"

The salesman replies ...

Boudreaux was called up to the Louisiana National Guard. Because he was a smooth talker the CO put him in charge of explaining benefits to new recruits.

After a week the CO noticed Boudreaux had a 100% sign up rate for supplemental insurance. Impressed, the CO sits in on one of Boudreaux’s sessions.

“If you boys goes to Afghanistan and you gets yoself kilt, the gubmint pays you benefishary $50,000. But if you gets the supplemental insurance, ...

Someone offered me skydiving insurance - "If something goes wrong, you'll get a big payout."

I told them "I'm not falling for that one again."

The Perfect Military Life Insurance Salesman

A military life insurance salesman has a perfect record of sales. His supervisor was amazed and wanted to know his secret, so he secretly went to one of the meetings the saleman was hosting. He saw a whiteboard with a long bar and a far shorter bar drawn on it.

"This," said the salesman, poin...

I should start selling life insurance for ISIS members.

I'm sure it's gonna be a booming business.

The billionaire and the architect

Los Angeles has always been a place for these massive feats of human accomplishment. Case in point, in 1989, a local billionaire spent millions of his own money to create a unique building of fantastic architecture, one that would draw people in for thousands of miles. He hired a small time architec...

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