What do you say to a 20 year old with no legs, one eye and no health insurance?

“Thank you for your service”

Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?

Just leave the scene of the accident

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

A local Game Stop burnt to the ground. An insurance adjuster came out to inspect the damage

After looking at the rubble, he asked the manager if the building was a new structure. The manager said, "I don't think so, it was built in the 1970s."

The adjuster said, "I that case, the best payout I can give you is $50,000. If it was a new building I could have given you 95,000.

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Neither, they are illegal aliens.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis!

Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

Why does John cena have the worst heapth insurance plan ever?

No matter how many appointments he makes to get his ailments cured, the doctors can't see him.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insur...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Just renewed my car insurance over the phone, and as I was about to hang up the lass on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "I've got a dog."

She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "Fuck off, he can't fucking drive!"

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

Into reverse and then leaving the scene.

I tried to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you... won’t be covered.”

Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"

Man: "In the United States."

Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"

Man: "My entire body."

Got this new Italian Health Insurance.

Not only am I covered if, god forbid, someone were to break my kneecaps. But they'll also make it quick.

Do you know what medical insurance Tommy Wiseau is covered under?

Oh, Highmark

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doctor had a very st...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair,

and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors. Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other residents tolerated her, and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding ...

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

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Penis Insurance

A guy was trying to pull the leg of an insurance agent and asks him “Do you do Penis Insurance ?”

Agent : “Yes , sir , we do Penis Insurance”

Man : “You replace with a new one ?”

Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of you...

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Three insurance salesmen were each boasting about there service.

The first one said, "Last month, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. A check was mailed to his wife the next day." "That's nothing," says the second salesman. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within forty-five minutes. That afternoon...

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What kind of insurance do strippers carry?

Labia-ility insurance.

My girlfriend absolutely HAD to call me and tell me this nugget of an original joke that popped into her head while driving. Clearly, she’s a keeper.

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

I'd much rather live in Norway than Denmark so I don't have to switch insurance providers.

Denmark doesn't have a Blue Cross as far as I know.

How much is Donald Trump's life insurance?

Just one pence.

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gecko

So the other day I saw a homeless guy holding a frickin Geico sign. Seriously, dude, dirty as fuck, obviously nothing going on, holding a sign that says "You can save 15% on your car insurance by switching to Geico" with the stupid lizard on it. I walk up to the guy and say "Is geico actually paying...

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

I have a driver's license but it's at home, I accidentally left it with my license plate and proof of insurance.

....I don't get it either but when I told it to the cop he laughed and said that's funny.

What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

Whats a communists favorite insurance company?

Allstate

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

- Mommie, what is a Canadian?

\- It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.

Why do salmons need no health insurance?

Because they get cured for free.

You donate to God's house as a sign of faith and

you buy insurance as a sign of lack of it.

What is Mario's favorite type of insurance?

DentalDentalDental

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

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What’s the difference between prostitutes and insurance companies?

Insurance companies can fuck you much harder.

Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap?

NO COLLISION.

Insurance money

This is a true story. Stop me if you've heard it before.

Two guys are sitting on the beach, enjoying the tropical environs, sipping their fancy drinks and watching the sun set over the beautiful blue sea.

1st man: Man this is the life.2nd man: Yup, it sure is.

1st: Mind if I...

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Doc

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman."That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'...

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

I've got the worlds greatest wife

For our anniversary, she got me a life insurance policy and a trip to China.

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits



I'll leave now

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.

“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t...

25th Anniversary

A loving couple celebrated their 25th wedding anniversary privately at home with a couple of bottles of champagne. Tipsy and feeling very intimate, the husband asked, "Tell me truthfully, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"

"Hmmm," she replied. "Since you ask, I have been unfaithful on th...

I asked my aging Father why he doesn’t have life insurance.

“Because Son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”

What's a good name for an insurance salesman?

Justin Case

I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

A priest walks into an insurance office

Priest: "Can you insure against acts of God?"

Underwriter: "... As long as there's no children involved."

A programmer walks into a bar.

He gets a seat, and starts to whine about his day. He does it in a civil manner, so the bartender doesn't mind, but he whines.

First his girlfriend ditched him.

"I think the reason was I wasn't putting out enough. Still hurt." Said the programmer.

"That can be tough." Said the b...

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A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

Cowboy insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never." ...

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.

A nun was s...

Why couldn’t the 3 speed mixer get insurance?

He was high whisk.

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...

They assured him he would be covered.

Old man goes to the pharmacist...

Pharmacist: Hey Bill, what's goin' on?

Bill: Oh, not much Frank, wife's birthday was a few weeks ago, didn't know what to get her, so I bought a 100,000 life insurance policy.

Pharmacist: Not very romantic, but practical I guess.

Bill: Yeah, she really liked the idea and securi...

Burka Insurance

Did you know that Arabic women can get 100% coverage on burka insurance?

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

What do you call Batman insurance policies?

Dark Knight returns.

I just got life insurances

It makes me happy knowing that now my life is worth something.

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A little medical joke

The South African Medical Association has weighed in on the new National Health Insurance proposals.

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves.

The Gastroenterologists had a sort of a gut feeling about it, but the neurologists thoug...

An insurance-guy knocks on the door. 5-year old Timmy opens up.

Insurance-guy: Can i speak to your dad, please?

Timmy: No, he’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: Oh. I’m so sorry. Can I speak to your mom then?

Timmy: No, she’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: OMG that’s awful. Are at least your grandparents home, or a s...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

Insurance shopping

Insurance agent: how many accidents have you had sir?
Dad: 1
Insurance agent: when was that?
...puts phone on hold...
Dad: Son, what is you birthdate again?

How do you know if Asians are moving into the neighborhood?

The Mexicans start buying car insurance.

I recently got a call from a bank asking me if I would be interested in buying an insurance. Here's how the call went.

Guy on the phone:- Would you be interested in an insurance?

Me:- Oh geez, I can't tell you right now, can you give me your home number so I can call you back?

Guy on the phone:- I'm sorry but we're not allowed to do that.

Me:- Oh I guess you don't want people calling you at...

Why are Americans so obsessed with Apple Products?

Because they can't afford health insurance in the US

I like my friends like I like my insurance...

With benefits.

Insurance companies are warning

Campers if you get your tent stolen in the middle of the night, you won't be covered.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

My wife is amazing

She just bought me a $500,000 life insurance policy and a free all-inclusive trip to the Dominican Republic!

Hospital Gown

What do hospital gowns and insurance have in common?
You think you’re covered, but you’re not.

I really laugh at all the commercials that companies show me when I'm online. Makes me want to drive over there and tell them in person that they're wasting their money.

Good thing I saved 15% on car insurance.

I sat next to a insurance women through a robbie williams concert

And through it all she offered me protection

Elon Musk's Car Insurance

must have skyrocketed today

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! H...

I ran across some douchbag millennial in the store running his mouth, calling me a boomer and blaming me for ruining the world. Then he acted like he wanted to fight me.

I said "That's pretty big talk for a guy with no health insurance."

I heard Eddie Vedder hates every insurance mascot out there...

Even Flo.

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

Why did the stripper need more insurance?

She had little to no coverage.

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