Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Nether. They’re immigrants in America.

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance.

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

Insurance money

This is a true story. Stop me if you've heard it before.

Two guys are sitting on the beach, enjoying the tropical environs, sipping their fancy drinks and watching the sun set over the beautiful blue sea.

1st man: Man this is the life.2nd man: Yup, it sure is.

1st: Mind if I...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I asked my girlfriend to dress up as a nurse during sex

To satisfy my fetish of having a health insurance.

How much does presidential impeachment insurance cost?

Just one Pence

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

Why do salmons need no health insurance?

Because they get cured for free.

Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap?

NO COLLISION.

I'd much rather live in Norway than Denmark so I don't have to switch insurance providers.

Denmark doesn't have a Blue Cross as far as I know.

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A man is at work when he receives a call from the hospital informing him that his wife's been in an accident.

He rushes to the emergency room where he's met by the doctor. They sit down in the waiting room and the doctor, with a very solemn look on his face, says:


"Sir, I have very bad news. We did all we could. Right now she's in a vegetative state, which is likely where she'll remain for the ...

What is Mario's favorite type of insurance?

DentalDentalDental

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

Three insurance salesmen are having drinks and boasting about each company’s service.

The first one says, “When one of our insured died suddenly on Monday, we got the news that evening and were able to process the claim for the wife and mailed a check on Wednesday evening.”



The second one says, “When one of our insured died without warning on Monday, we learned of it i...

Whats a communists favorite insurance company?

Allstate

Cowboy insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never." ...

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits



I'll leave now

I was trying to get storm insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown away, you won’t be covered.”

What's a good name for an insurance salesman?

Justin Case

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis Insurance

An extra smart guy was trying to pull the leg of insurance agent, and asks him: “Do you do Penis Insurance?”

Agent: “Yes sir, we do Penis Insurance.”

Man: “You replace with a new one?”

Agent: “No sir. Once it stops to work, we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of you...

I asked my aging Father why he doesn’t have life insurance.

“Because Son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...

They assured him he would be covered.

Burka Insurance

Did you know that Arabic women can get 100% coverage on burka insurance?

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What’s the difference between prostitutes and insurance companies?

Insurance companies can fuck you much harder.

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

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Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

Why couldn’t the 3 speed mixer get insurance?

He was high whisk.

An insurance-guy knocks on the door. 5-year old Timmy opens up.

Insurance-guy: Can i speak to your dad, please?

Timmy: No, he’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: Oh. I’m so sorry. Can I speak to your mom then?

Timmy: No, she’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: OMG that’s awful. Are at least your grandparents home, or a s...

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance

It wasn't long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones was having a staggeringly high success-rate, selling insurance to nearly 100% of the recruits he advised.

Rather than ask about this, the Captain stands in the back of the room and listens to Jones' sales pitch. Jones explains the...

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

I just got life insurances

It makes me happy knowing that now my life is worth something.

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

Insurance shopping

Insurance agent: how many accidents have you had sir?
Dad: 1
Insurance agent: when was that?
...puts phone on hold...
Dad: Son, what is you birthdate again?

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

I sat next to a insurance women through a robbie williams concert

And through it all she offered me protection

Insurance companies are warning

Campers if you get your tent stolen in the middle of the night, you won't be covered.

I like my friends like I like my insurance...

With benefits.

I recently got a call from a bank asking me if I would be interested in buying an insurance. Here's how the call went.

Guy on the phone:- Would you be interested in an insurance?

Me:- Oh geez, I can't tell you right now, can you give me your home number so I can call you back?

Guy on the phone:- I'm sorry but we're not allowed to do that.

Me:- Oh I guess you don't want people calling you at...

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The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."






Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal cl...

I suffered a work-related injury on the set of the latest "The Land Before Time" movie, but my insurance refused to cover it

I asked them why but the rep. just said "we don't cover pre-existing conditions."

Elon Musk's Car Insurance

must have skyrocketed today

I heard Eddie Vedder hates every insurance mascot out there...

Even Flo.

What kind of insurance do you buy for a horse and buggy?

Foal coverage

Two retired business men sitting on a beach.

Mike: Nice to meet you. I'm a retired businessman. When my store burned down, rather than rebuilding I took the insurance money and retired here.

John: You know, I'm a retired businessman, too. When a flood washed away my store I took the insurance money and retired here, too.

Mike is...

I told my parents that they should pay for my health insurance

As they are the main contributers to my health issues.

Did you hear about 24 million Americans' health insurance?

[removed]

What kind of health insurance does Steven Hawking have?

AVG Antivirus

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! H...

What do you call a stripper with no health insurance?

Uncovered

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Why do men pay more for car insurance?

Women don't get blowjobs while they're driving.

Why did the stripper need more insurance?

She had little to no coverage.

I can’t believe the way they used the Childrens Health Insurance Program during the budget debate...

It was like a bargaining CHIP.

My 2018 health insurance premiums went up 40% but I'll be paying 30% less than the previous year.

Because I won't have any money left for food or rent so I'll probably die half way through the year.

A man who thinks he is invisible decides to get help. He walks into a psychiatrists office and tells the receptionist he would like to speak to a doctor, but has no insurance.

The receptionist looks up at him and says, "I'm sorry, the doctor can't see you right now."

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

So Trumpcare will make health insurance harder for the working class & will give the super-rich a huge tax cut, but hey it's time to look at the bright side.

Those old cunts who voted for Trump won't be alive to vote in the 2020 election.

Someone offered me skydiving insurance - "If something goes wrong, you'll get a big payout."

I told them "I'm not falling for that one again."

A 76-year old walked into an insurance office...

and asks to buy a life insurance policy. The salesman asks him how old he is, and he says that he's 76. The salesman replies that you can't buy a policy over the age of 75.

The old man replies "But my 99-year old father came here last week and bought a new policy"

The salesman replies ...

I should start selling life insurance for ISIS members.

I'm sure it's gonna be a booming business.

Three men find themselves at a beach-side resort in the Caribbean...

... and they soon begin to discuss their lives and how they came to be there.

The first man says, "I use to run a successful business in the Mid West. One day unfortunately there was a huge fire and my entire warehouse burned to the ground. I collected the insurance on it and decided to move ...

The Perfect Military Life Insurance Salesman

A military life insurance salesman has a perfect record of sales. His supervisor was amazed and wanted to know his secret, so he secretly went to one of the meetings the saleman was hosting. He saw a whiteboard with a long bar and a far shorter bar drawn on it.

"This," said the salesman, poin...

What’s a Canadian?

An unarmed American with health insurance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A man wakes up in a hospital, bandaged from head to foot

The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and the paramedics couldn't find it.”...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The benefits of good health insurance

Queen Elizabeth II is taking a tour of a state of the art hospital. About 15 minuets into her tour she see's a man masturbating in one of the rooms. "What is the meaning of this?" she yells out. The nurse guiding the tour says "He has a medical condition where semen builds up rapidly and if he doesn...

Progressive and allstate used to be one insurance company..

.. but nobody wanted prostate insurance.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

An insurance salesman knocks on the front door

A young boy answers the door, wearing a bath robe. He has a glass of scotch in one hand and a cigar in the other. The salesman asks "Hi there, are your parents home?". The boy replies "what the fuck do you think".

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second.

"You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they’ll need – a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc.
They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the ...

Why did the redditor have a hard time getting life insurance?

It's hard to insure what you don't have.

Health insurance is rare for exotic dancers.

Most strippers have little or no coverage.

Good comedy is like health insurance

Some just can't get it

Motel insurance scam (x-post /r/Unexpected)

A few years ago, I lived in a small rural town in southwestern Texas, near the border with Mexico. My town had a few rich people living in it, and among these was my neighbor. He was a doctor, and also owned a little motel called the Spanish Inn. It was a nice place, and the doctor enjoyed keeping u...

Ole the Norwegian Insurance Salesman

Ole, the smoothest Norske in the Minnesota National Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty. Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center. Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the ...

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