Four insurance companies are in competition.

One comes up with the slogan, "Coverage from the cradle to the grave."


The Second one tries to improve on that with, "Coverage from the womb to the tomb."


Not to be outdone, the third one comes up with, "From the sperm to the worm."


The fourth insurance company re...

A gynecologist had become fed up with malpractice insurance and HMO paperwork, and was burned out.

Hoping to try another career where skillful hands would be beneficial, he decided to become a mechanic. He went to the local technical college, signed up for evening classes, attended diligently, and learned all he could.

When the time of the practical exam approached, the gynecologist prepar...

I saved a bunch of money on my car insurance by switching

To reverse and leaving the scene

How much is Trump's life insurance payout?

One pence

What are Batman's insurance policies called as?

Dark Knight Returns

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The military is testing new life insurance policies.

So one doctor decided to measure from one point on the body to another and give the recipient 1,000 dollars for each inch.
After explaining this to 3 test subjects they ask the first one to come in. It's a low ranking private. "Where would you like us to measure?" The doctor asks. "From the top ...

A nervous passenger decided to purchase flight insurance at the ticket counter. She had some time before the flights departure, so she stopped in a Chinese restaurant in the concourse.

She started to shake as she read her fortune cookie:

today’s investment will pay big dividends!”

Hats off to all of the insurance companies helping out with the crisis!

Oh, I guess all of our hats are staying on.

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man writing to his insurance

I am writing in response to your request for additional information.  In block number three of the accident reporting form, I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident.  You said in your letter that I should explain more and I trust that the following details are sufficient:

I am a bric...

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"The car insurance company down the road wouldn't give me an offer because I'm gay. Will you guys help me?"

"Of course we will. We're Progressive."

‌‌A m‌‌a‌‌n i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g r‌‌elease‌‌d f‌‌ro‌‌m a‌‌‌‌ U‌‌‌‌S h‌‌ospital.

A‌‌s h‌‌‌‌e i‌‌‌‌s b‌‌ein‌‌g e‌‌scorte‌‌d o‌‌u‌‌t b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ n‌‌urse‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e p‌‌asse‌‌s b‌‌‌‌y a‌‌‌‌ p‌‌atient’‌‌s r‌‌oo‌‌m w‌‌it‌‌h t‌‌h‌‌e d‌‌oo‌‌r o‌‌pe‌‌n a‌‌n‌‌d s‌‌ee‌‌s t‌‌ha‌‌t t‌‌h‌‌e m‌‌al‌‌e p‌‌atien‌‌t i‌‌‌‌s m‌‌asturbatin‌‌g f‌‌uriously‌‌. C‌‌onfused‌‌, h‌‌‌‌e t‌‌urn‌‌s t‌‌‌‌o t‌‌h‌...

My health insurance lapsed, and my doctor amputated my leg

Now I don’t have a leg to stand on

Do Transformers get car insurance or health insurance?

Neither, they are illegal aliens.

Airman Jones was assigned to the induction center, where he advised new recruits about their government benefits, especially their GI insurance.

It wasn’t long before Captain Smith noticed that Airman Jones had almost a 100% record for insurance sales, which had never happened before.
Rather than ask about this, the Captain stood in the back of the room and listened to Jones’s sales pitch.

Jones explained the basics of the GI Insur...

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Just renewed my car insurance over the phone, and as I was about to hang up the lass on the other end asked if I had a pet.

I said, "I've got a dog."

She said, "Would you like to insure him too?"

I said, "Fuck off, he can't fucking drive!"

My health insurance company refused to pay my bill because I believe in reincarnation.

They said I had a pre existing condition.

A man and his wife are looking for a job

The man, unable to find any employment in his field, decides to apply for anything he can find in the hopes of earning enough to feed his family.

A few days later, he comes home overjoyed. His wife enquires, and he happily said he found a job as a stuntman in a circus! The pay is good, he ha...

Ethel was a bit of a demon in her wheelchair and loved to charge around the nursing home, taking corners on one wheel and getting up to maximum speed on the long corridors...

Because the poor woman was one sandwich short of a picnic, the other
residents tolerated her and some of the males actually joined in.

One day, Ethel was speeding up one corridor when a door opened and
Kooky Kevin stepped out with his arm outstretched.

"STOP!" he shouted in a fi...

A man with a list of symptoms goes to the doctors office

A man shuffles into the doctors office, hunched over, wheezing, and clutching his stomach.

Man: “hi doc, I’ve been in constant pain.”

Doctor: “What’s the matter? Tell me the most prevalent symptoms.”

Thinking, the man slowly replies

Man: “ I have aches all over, I have a...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Penis Insurance

A guy was trying to pull the leg of an insurance agent and asks him “Do you do Penis Insurance ?”

Agent : “Yes , sir , we do Penis Insurance”

Man : “You replace with a new one ?”

Agent : “No , sir . Once it stops to work , we ensure free service to your wife for the rest of you...

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What kind of insurance do strippers carry?

Labia-ility insurance.

My girlfriend absolutely HAD to call me and tell me this nugget of an original joke that popped into her head while driving. Clearly, she’s a keeper.

Do you know what medical insurance Tommy Wiseau is covered under?

Oh, Highmark

A man, sitting in a hospital bed, sits up attentively when the nurse walks through the door.

“Hello,” he greets her. The nurse smiles, handing him and pice of paper, and says “Your insurance will cover your expenses.”

Insurance clerk: "Where were you born, Sir?"

Man: "In the United States."

Insurance clerk: "OK, and which part?"

Man: "My entire body."

Want to save 15% or more on car insurance?

Just leave the scene of the accident

vacationing in the caribbean

An engineer and an attorney were fishing in the Caribbean.

The attorney said, “I’m here because my house burned down and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

"That’s quite a coincidence," said the engineer. “I’m here because my house...

Of Mayhem from Allstate Insurance and Flow from Progressive Insurance had a baby...

They would name it Aggressive Prostate Insurance.

I'd much rather live in Norway than Denmark so I don't have to switch insurance providers.

Denmark doesn't have a Blue Cross as far as I know.

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Three insurance salesmen were each boasting about there service.

The first one said, "Last month, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within six hours. A check was mailed to his wife the next day." "That's nothing," says the second salesman. "Last week, when one of my insured died suddenly, I got the news within forty-five minutes. That afternoon...

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The director of a hospital was making rounds...

She asks the head nurse to accompany her.



They pass a ward where a man was vigorously stroking himself. The director asks "Why is that man masturbating?". The head nurse replies "Ma'am, that man has very rare condition. He has to cum every 4 hours to stay alive."



They d...

I went to get tornado insurance for my campsite, but the company refused.

They said, “If your tent gets blown off, you won’t be covered.”

My insurance wouldn't cover the my Viagara prescription, so I had to get the generic brand.

Mydixadril

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A woman recently lost her husband.

A woman recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him. "Darling, you know that fur coat you promised me? I finally bough...

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A hospital administrator, an inspector and a few other important people were touring the local hospital to see how it rated compared with others in the state.

So far they'd been very impressed with the hospital, especially the bedside manner of the staff.

They approached a patient's room, and the curious inspector looked inside. He found a patient jacking off on the bed.

"What the hell is this?" she yelled.

The doctor had a very st...

Pinata joke, not mine but thought it was funny. Sorry if you have heard before

Two guys are bungee-jumping one day. The first guy says to the second. "You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico."

The second guy thinks this is a great idea, so the two pool their money and buy everything they'll need - a tower, an elastic cord,...

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A man is told by his employer that he has to go see the company doctor in order to keep his insurance...

He reluctantly goes, and is amazed to find no examination table, just a wall full of computer equipment. The doctor walks in and says, "Just place your hand on the scanner here" and shows the man a screen. Bewildered, he places his hand on the screen and immediately the panel glows beneath his hand,...

What type of insurance does a florist provide?

Wife insurance.

Florida Woman Stops 12' Alligator with a .22 cal Beretta Pistol

\[Long\] This is a story of self-control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.

What's the smallest caliber that you would trust to protect yourself?

Here's her story in her own words:

"While walking along the edge of a pon...

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I'm role-playing as a doctor with my girlfriend

She takes off her pants and I tell her that a vaginal exam isn't covered by her insurance; then I dress up as an insurance salesman and fuck her over the phone for five hours straight.

A man is laying in the hospital, waiting to be the first person in history to receive a brain transplant...

A doctor comes in and says "Congratulations! But unfortunately since this is a new procedure your insurance isn't going to cover it all. So we're going to give you 3 choices for brains and you can decide which you can afford"

The man says to the doctor "Ok, what are they?"

The doctor s...

Why is Trump's car insurance so cheap?

NO COLLISION.

Grandpa - why don't you have life insurance?

Asks the grandson. Grandpa laughs and says: "I want you guys to be really sad when I die."

Why is car insurance higher for lap dancers?

They run a higher risk of being rear-ended.

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[NSFW] A doctor is giving a tour of a local hospital

One day a public health official goes to visit a local hospital. The doctor is giving them a tour around the hospital, bragging about what an outstanding reputation it has. He claims that they are the leading hospital in treating rare disorders and afflictions.

As the doctor and visitor pass ...

Why do salmons need no health insurance?

Because they get cured for free.

What is Mario's favorite type of insurance?

DentalDentalDental

How to retire when business is poor

Two elderly men met in a town in Florida, and began to talk to each other. It turned out both of them were from Oregon, and had owned small factories, and had now retired and moved to Florida.

"I had a factory that produced high-end furniture," said the first man. "Was successful for many yea...

What do you call friend who works for an insurance company?

A friend with benefits



I'll leave now

What's it called when you're still on your mom's health insurance?

Yomamacare

Just had an insurance cold caller on the phone.

Told him I had had an accident and broke a leg, but I wasn't sure it's fixable.

He sounded more excited than me when he said I could get upwards of £20k in compensation, and he's sending me the forms.

Not bad seeing as I paid £15 for that table.

Why was the high wire artist denied insurance?

Outstanding balance.

Insurance money

This is a true story. Stop me if you've heard it before.

Two guys are sitting on the beach, enjoying the tropical environs, sipping their fancy drinks and watching the sun set over the beautiful blue sea.

1st man: Man this is the life.2nd man: Yup, it sure is.

1st: Mind if I...

Whats a communists favorite insurance company?

Allstate

Cowboy insurance

The cowboy was trying to buy a health insurance policy. The insurance agent was going down the list of standard questions.


"Ever have an accident?"


"Nope, nary a one."


"None? You've never had any accidents."


"Nope. Ain't had one. Never." ...

I sure like that my car insurance requires a 10 character password.

I sure would hate it if someone ..... paid my car insurance?

This really hot chick in my apartment complex told me she wants us to be "friends with benefits".

Does anyone know where I can purchase a group health insurance plan?

I asked my aging Father why he doesn’t have life insurance.

“Because Son, I want you to be truly sad when I die.”

What's a good name for an insurance salesman?

Justin Case

A cigar smoker bought several hundred expensive cigars

And had them insured against fire. After he'd smoked them all, he filed a claim, pointing out that the cigars had been destroyed by fire. The company refused to pay, and the man sued. A judge ruled that because the insurance company had agreed to insure against fire, it was legally responsible. The ...

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gecko

So the other day I saw a homeless guy holding a frickin Geico sign. Seriously, dude, dirty as fuck, obviously nothing going on, holding a sign that says "You can save 15% on your car insurance by switching to Geico" with the stupid lizard on it. I walk up to the guy and say "Is geico actually paying...

Why don't Arab women need Insurance?

Because they are already covered.

A priest walks into an insurance office

Priest: "Can you insure against acts of God?"

Underwriter: "... As long as there's no children involved."

My roommate got a job with health insurance.

Now I finally know what it feels like to be in a friends with benefits situation.

- Mommie, what is a Canadian?

\- It's an unarmed North American with health insurance, sweetie.

Why couldn’t the 3 speed mixer get insurance?

He was high whisk.

A man in his late twenties was in a car accident... (Long)

The windshield shattered and a piece flew into his eye, blinding him and causing irreparable damage to the eyeball itself. As this man had substantial student loan debt, his doctor could only find one prosthetic eye in his price range and it happened to be made out of wood. To help him deal with thi...

A man phoned to find out whether he could get insurance if the nearby volcano erupted...

They assured him he would be covered.

I just got life insurances

It makes me happy knowing that now my life is worth something.

Burka Insurance

Did you know that Arabic women can get 100% coverage on burka insurance?

Two men are waiting for appointments with their insurance claims adjuster.

They chat and learn they have a common bond. The first one says "My restaurant was wiped out by a fire, everything inside was wrecked."

The second one says "Mine was taken out by a flood, total loss too."

The first one thinks a bit then asks "How do you start a flood?"

We should raise insurance rates on drivers who have never crashed their cars.

They're driving wrecklessly.

"Your wife's test results indicate she has either Alzheimer's or aids, however..."

"Your insurance only authorized the one test, so we really can't narrow it down more."
"What should I do Doc?"
"Leave her here and drive home alone. If she shows up do not sleep with her!"

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A girl told me she wanted to be "just friends".

I said "Can we be friends with benefits?".

She said "So, you just want sex?".

I said "No, I want you to add me on your health insurance.".

A man decides he wants to put a hit out on his wife...

So he checks the dark web and finds a hit man who goes only by the name of Artie. The man and Artie meet up to discus the job, and Artie asks for payment upfront.

“Well,” says the man, “I put every bit of money I have into my wife’s life insurance policy, so I only have one dollar on me at t...

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Things where Mechanics and Dentists are similar: drills, fluids, expensive without insurance. Things where Mechanics and Dentists Differ:

Dentists will at least wait until your asleep before they try and fuck you

Insurance shopping

Insurance agent: how many accidents have you had sir?
Dad: 1
Insurance agent: when was that?
...puts phone on hold...
Dad: Son, what is you birthdate again?

An insurance-guy knocks on the door. 5-year old Timmy opens up.

Insurance-guy: Can i speak to your dad, please?

Timmy: No, he’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: Oh. I’m so sorry. Can I speak to your mom then?

Timmy: No, she’s been killed by a tractor.

Insurance-guy: OMG that’s awful. Are at least your grandparents home, or a s...

You donate to God's house as a sign of faith and

you buy insurance as a sign of lack of it.

I recently got a call from a bank asking me if I would be interested in buying an insurance. Here's how the call went.

Guy on the phone:- Would you be interested in an insurance?

Me:- Oh geez, I can't tell you right now, can you give me your home number so I can call you back?

Guy on the phone:- I'm sorry but we're not allowed to do that.

Me:- Oh I guess you don't want people calling you at...

I've got the worlds greatest wife

For our anniversary, she got me a life insurance policy and a trip to China.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Doc

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital. During her tour, she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating furiously.

"Oh my GOD!" screamed the woman."That's disgraceful! Why is he doing that?"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

For the last time, NO! NO! NOOOO!

So, there's this man. He's young, healthy, reasonably attractive, good job, etc.

Only problem is, he has a 25 inch penis. This might might sound great if you're a 12 year old, but it soon becomes the bane of his existence. Every time he meets a nice lady, eventually things lead to the bedroom...

A programmer walks into a bar.

He gets a seat, and starts to whine about his day. He does it in a civil manner, so the bartender doesn't mind, but he whines.

First his girlfriend ditched him.

"I think the reason was I wasn't putting out enough. Still hurt." Said the programmer.

"That can be tough." Said the b...

I like my friends like I like my insurance...

With benefits.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

The Queen of England is taking a tour of an American hospital when she spots a patient furiously masturbating through an open door.

Her Majesty: "What's going on here? This is absolutely appalling."

Nurse: "Actually, Your Highness, it's for medicinal purposes. This patient has a very serious condition, and if he doesn't orgasm at least once every eight hours, his testicles will swell and cause fatal clotting."

Her ...

Insurance companies are warning

Campers if you get your tent stolen in the middle of the night, you won't be covered.

A case of shingles

A good ole boy by the name of Bubba walked into a Doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and as...

I sat next to a insurance women through a robbie williams concert

And through it all she offered me protection

A man suffered a serious heart attack while shopping in a store.

The store clerk called 911 when they saw him collapse to the floor.

The paramedics rushed the man to the nearest hospital where he had emergency open heart bypass surgery.

He awakened from the surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at the
Catholic Hospital.

A nun was s...

An old man wants to get life insurance

The employee working at the insurance company asks:

'How old are you, sir?'

'I'm 102.'

'102?! And you wanna get life insurance at *your* age? You know what? Come back tomorrow.'

'Tomorrow ain't good. We'll be celebrating my dad's birthday.'

'Your dad's birthday?! H...

Old man goes to the pharmacist...

Pharmacist: Hey Bill, what's goin' on?

Bill: Oh, not much Frank, wife's birthday was a few weeks ago, didn't know what to get her, so I bought a 100,000 life insurance policy.

Pharmacist: Not very romantic, but practical I guess.

Bill: Yeah, she really liked the idea and securi...

Elon Musk's Car Insurance

must have skyrocketed today

I heard Eddie Vedder hates every insurance mascot out there...

Even Flo.

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