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What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

I tried to make a joke about safety scissors...

But it was pointless.

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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Memories of my grandma

I grew up with 2 brothers and a sister. Our parents tried their best - but it was difficult for them to make time for each of us as individuals. That's why each of the kids alternated spending a weekend at grandma's every month.

I always looked forward to that Saturday morning breakfast. G...

Moral Of the Story

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. Suddenly the horse falls into a mud hole and starts sinking. He tells the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farmer, but the farmer can't be found.

So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to ...

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

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Cake day repost: Sorry!!!

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier. He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same...

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2 whale friends are swimming in the ocean

After a while, they spot a boat and one of the whales goes 'hey! That's the boat that harpooned my father!'

'We have to avenge him!' said the other whale.

So they decided to swim under the boat and blow out of their blowholes at the same time, so the boat would capsize and the men wo...

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Horse and Chicken

are farmyard pals and take daily walks around a large farmyard. One day after a particularly heavy rainfall, horse takes a miss step and falls into a large hole in the ground. Unable to get out, horse panics and whineys to chicken for help. Chicken realises he's not up to help, rushes off to the far...

Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch?

I was shocked!

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

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The class were asked the question, "If there's a fire, what steps would you take to ensure your safety?"

Apparently, "Fucking big ones!" wasn't the answer they were looking for!

Golfing

Karen loved the golf game but was not very good at it.

She was out on the links one day, playing with her husband John.

As usual, every time she swung at the ball, she made the earth beneath it fly every which way!

“My goodness, John,” she said, blushing at her ineptitude...

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

Today I was learning about electrical safety.

I was shocked.

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A chicken and a horse go for a walk in the woods...

They walk a ways down a path when the horse falls into a deep puddle. The horse flails about and says, "little chick, little chick go get the farmer to bring his tractor and pull me out!" The little chick runs back down the path and tells the farmer he needs to bring his tractor to pull the horse ...

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

Danger is my middle name

but Safety first.

The Knight and the chastity belt

Once upon a time a king was going off to war with his army. But he was worried about his wife's safety while he was away

"Sir Roger, you are my most trusted knight. I'm going to ask you to protect the Queen while I'm away. Here's the key to her chastity belt. It's only to be opened in case I ...

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

ACTUAL transcript of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October, 1995.

This radio conversation was released by the Chief of Naval Operations on 10-10-95.

Americans: "Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision."

Canadians: "Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision."

Americans: "This...

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas and talks with an old rancher.

He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown dr*gs."

The rancher says, "Okay, but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, "Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me."...

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

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LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

Ride

A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience.

She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

In terror, she...

I get being "mysterious" is cool...

But turn signals are for the populations safety...

Three redneck friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back.

They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

For safety, if you're turning a power supply on at work, just say hey

Watts going on

A Safety warning notice in a factory for female workers:

A Safety warning notice in a factory for female workers:
"If your skirt is long, stay away from the engines
and
If it is short, stay away from the engineers.

A man gets pulled over for speeding.

The cop starts lecturing him on road safety and being a responsible driver, to which the man replies, “Officer, I’m incredibly mindful of safe driving and responsibility. That’s why I need to get home fast before all the drinks kick in!”

Memo from Director General to Manager:

Today at 11 o'clock there will be a total eclipse of the sun. This is when the sun disappears behind the moon for two minutes. As this is something that cannot be seen every day, time will be allowed for employees to view the eclipse in the car park. Staff should meet in the car park at ten to eleve...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

The CDC just released their latest safety guideline update

On top of all of their other health recommendations to help prevent the spread they are now recommending that you hold your breath in order to prevent the spread.

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Man goes into a pharmacy

and asks the woman at the counter for a pack of condoms. She asks him what size he needed, and when he answered that he did not know, she directed him go into a room at the side of the counter and try his penis in the three holes in the plywood wall to see which fit the best.

As he made his ...

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes Premature Inoculations.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

A Little Old Lady is Pulled Over in Texas

When the Officer approaches the window, he shines a light into the car and sees that she has a little .22 caliber pistol in the coin tray under her dashboard.

The officer says: "Ma'am, would you please unload and hand me your firearm for the duration of this stop to ensure everyone's safety?...

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it.

I can't see why.

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

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People say there is safety in numbers

Tell that to 6 million jews.

I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year

Wear a mask!!!

Traffic violation

After pulling a farmer over for speeding in an urban area, the police officer starts to lecture him about his callous disregard for public safety. The officer goes on and on, even belittling the farmer saying he must be a "hick from the sticks" and not know how to behave in a civilized area.
<...

Mom's Never Wrong

**Me** : Mom, I'm going to my Girlfriend's house !

**Mom** : Get a Safety Along ! Use contraceptives ;-)

**Me** : Mom, I', Just 15 !

**Mom** : And I'm Just 30 !!!

Man gets lost in the countryside

Drives up a long road to a farmhouse, passing a three legged pig in a field.
Farmer gives him instructions on a route back to the City.
Driver thanks him and before leaving says “what’s with the three legged pig?”
Farmer says bravest pig you’re ever gonna see… burglars attacked our house la...

Nate the Snake

In a large and almost deserted desert, there lives a snake. His name is Nate, he is, Nate the Snake. His one mission in life is to stop a lever from being pushed, because if it is, the world will end. Now, Nate has been the deserts only inhabitant for a while, so he has never had a friend. Then one ...

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

I started researching the safety of elevators.

They have their ups and downs.

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

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I Have No Fear. God Will Protect Me.

In the midst of a heavy hurricane season, a small town in Florida is alerted as likely to be hit very hard by one particular storm. An emergency notice it sent out to evacuate the town in anticipation of major flooding. One man in the town, Steve, refuses to leave his house, claiming, "I have no fea...

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Santa's gifts

A cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street, when a little girl On her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

'Nice bike,' the cop said. 'Did Santa bring it to you?'

'Yes Sir,' the little girl said, 'he sure did!'

The cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket f...

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

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Bicycle Safety Violation Ticket

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tai...

What does music have to do with road safety?

C sharp or B flat

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A Welsh bloke persuades his girlfriend to try anal for the first time.

He says, "If it hurts too much, yell the safety word and I'll stop."

She says, "OK, what's the safety word?"

"Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch!"

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

NSFW construction joke

A young construction laborer who was hired to be be a cut-man gets a little too comfortable with a worm-drive saw and one day he manages to castrate himself. After months of physical recovery, he sets out to try to find a new job. One day he meets with a foreman of a large construction site close ...

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Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

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Hiking advisory

Hikers who visit this forest should be aware that both black bears and grizzly bears can be found here. We suggest the following precautions for your safety.

Please wear small bells on your clothing to alert wildlife of your presence so they stay away. Please have pepper spray with you at all...

Airline passenger safety brief

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from above. If you're traveling with a child, please fit their mask first. If you have more than 1 child with you, please pick your favorite now.

If The Safety Dance comes on, are we obligated to dance?

I mean, I know we can dance if we want to

Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record?

He never had a shingle accident.

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety

than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

Police in Wales (UK) publish results of recent 'Anonymous Offensive Weapon Surrender' scheme.

Cardiff Central Library in which the amnesty took place last night, is already being celebrated as a 'Significant victory for the people of Wales, its safety and security going forward' by its Chief of Police.

Among the 200+ weapons collected in the haul comprised of:

120 knives and s...

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A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

Home safety

I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer in my entire Life!

I've started wearing a bike helmet, cause I find safety important. Now people stare and make fun of me.

I'll never go to that spinning class again.

What's a safety supervisor's favourite pick-up line?

"Keep your knees bent and your back straight."

One hot summer afternoon a police officer pulls into a yard.

The police officer then gets out of the car, and asks an old gentleman, "who owns the property?" The old man tells the officer that he does, and asks what he can do for him.

The officer, “I’m here to inspect your property for illegally grown drugs.” The old gentleman says, “Well, you go righ...

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety.

When i'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the Cop i'm white.

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My girlfriend always calls me Mr. Safety

Unfortunately it's not because I practice safe sex, it's because I always come first...

Yall know the one with the airplane safety instruction ?

A business man has to go over sees on a business related trip so he has to take a plane for the firs time in his life . He goes through the whole process and boards the plane sitting down . The safety instruction begins and the flight attendant begin to explain " If any of the engines fail , do not...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

Important safety warning:

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he ...

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My favorite joke

I went to go visit my friend Chuck on his farm out in Greater Minnesota, and he's showing off his barn, crops, and livestock. When we get to the swine corral, there's an enormous boar... with three wooden legs.

So I ask him, "why does that pig have three wooden legs?"

"Well, Steve, tha...

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They say you have safety in numbers...

Sure, tell *that* to 6,000,000 Jews.

[Source](http://youtu.be/Rzb_p1mRW1M?t=4m48s)

I really recommend watching the entire video though, it's hilarious.

I don't know why there is a baby brand called Safety 1st..

I mean, if they used safety first they wouldn't have to buy their products in the first place

Safety in Snowplows

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luc...

Why did the guitar shop fail a fire safety inspection?

No Stairway.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object.

A Ukranian farmer was out plowing his field when his plow hit a shiny object. The farmer stops, picks up the object, and realizes that it's a tarnished lamp. As he's rubbing his hands across it to clear away the dust and dirt, a genie appears. The genie says "Thank you Mr. Farmer for releasing me...

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

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An American, a Russian and a Brit are travelling in the Amazon…

….when they are suddenly captured by a group of cannibals.
The chief of the tribe walks upto the three men and asks: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
The American asks: “What’s Ungabunga?”
The chief repeats: “Death, or Ungabunga?”
So the American says: “I have a family and have to get back to them...

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Sean is walking the streets of Dublin....

He turns down a street and comes across a crowd.

He goes over to see what all the fuss is about and sees everyone staring at a burning building.

On the top floor is a group of people who are trapped and can't get down, screaming and pleading for someone to help them.

Sean runs t...

Safety brief: Bears

If you know you will be in an area where bears may be, it will be helpful to bring a couple of items with you.

First, attach little bells to your belt so that as you walk it makes noise. This will ensure that a bear will hear you from a distance and you will not startle it.

Second, car...

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