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Safety Jokes

What is it called when you poke your eye while putting on safety glasses?

Eyerony

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I just failed a fire safety course when they asked what steps I would take in case of an explosion.

Apparently “Fucking large ones” wasn’t an acceptable answer.

I tried to make a joke about safety scissors...

But it was pointless.

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My roommate was going out on a blind date so I told her about this phone app for her own safety.

I said: "It's called *Mum! Are you OK?* and what is does is, it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring and the display will say MUM. So if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away,...

A radiologist had fallen on hard times. Looking around for what he could eat, he saw that his keyboard didn't have safety warnings suggesting it wasn't edible. After getting so far, he began having stomach pains, so he decided to take an X-ray. He found an asterisk...

...blocking the colon.

i told my kids that at their age i had to watch VHS tapes on school safety

and they said: "what's school safety?"

Safety is a terrible lover

Safety always comes first

Today I was learning about electrical safety.

I was shocked.

Did you know that koi fish will travel in groups of 4 for safety?

>!When in danger, kois A, B, and C will flee and escape, leaving behind the Decoy.!<

In Jerusalem, a female journalist heard about a very old Jewish man who had been going to the Wailing Wall to pray, twice a day, everyday, for a long, long time. So she went to check it out.

She went to the Wailing Wall and there he was!

She watched him pray and after about 45 minutes, when he turned to leave, she approached him for an interview.

“Sir, how long have you been coming to the Wall and praying?”

“For about 60 years.”

“60 years! That’s amazing! Wha...

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LPT: For your safety, try not to mess with asexual people.

They don’t fuck around.

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After the safety talk in the airplane the pilot forgets to turn off the microphone... He turns to his copilot and says: "I'm gonna take a dump and then I'm gonna fuck that smoking hot stewardess."

When the stewardess realizes what's going on she starts to sprint to the front to warn the pilot that his mic is still on but trips and falls. A passenger turns to her and says: "Calm down, he's taking a dump first."

This is a discussion about the safety of 4-wheelers/ATVs.

I'm sick and tired of hearing about the deaths and serious injuries related to these vehicles. In fact, if you plot those terrible outcomes against speed and operator inexperience, you can see that those events are clustered in the top right corner of the graph.


In other words, this is a ...

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My boss asked for helpful safety advice in a meeting today

Apparently "don't stick your hand where you wouldn't stick your dick" isn't good work place safety advice

Can you believe that only 40% of American homes have a safety switch?

I was shocked!

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A DEA agent stopped at our farm yesterday.

“We are going to need to search your land for illegally grown drugs.”

I said, “that’s fine, but don’t go into that field over there. You won’t like it.”

Agitated by this, the officer explodes saying, “do you see this god damn badge son?! This badge means I can go where I please, when I...

Three redneck friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. The other two were in the back.

They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

For safety, if you're turning a power supply on at work, just say hey

Watts going on

A Safety warning notice in a factory for female workers:

A Safety warning notice in a factory for female workers:
"If your skirt is long, stay away from the engines
and
If it is short, stay away from the engineers.

Safety critical software

I am a software engineer and I work on safety critical software (I design autonomous vehicles). I travel around the world, speaking at various software engineering conferences. I was recently invited to speak at the premier aviation conference in the world on the subject of writing safety critical s...

This power washer says you're supposed to wear safety goggles when you use it.

I can't see why.

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A dirty joke told by 85yo grandpa to the whole family by memory

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at...

I have a friend that does maintenance work on television transmitter towers, some of which are more than 1000' in height. He doesn't always wear a safety harness when climbing.

I don't think he grasps the gravity of the situation.

East Texas Roadside Safety

There was this-here feller from East Texas who had a flat tire. He pulled off on the side of the road, jumped out of his car, walked down the hillside and picked a bunch of wildflowers. He proceeded to put one bouquet of the flowers in front of the car and one behind it. Then he got back in the car ...

I know it's lockdown, but if we both wear protection and take other safety protocols...

...can I come over and get a haircut?

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At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter announces that due to overcrowding, only extremely gruesome deaths will be admitted into heaven today, sorry for any inconvenience.

The first man comes up and Pete says, "How did you die?"

"Well, I's been suspicious that me wife been cheating on me, so I comes home early from work today to catch her, I does. She acts all innocent, she does. She says, 'Go ahead, search the apartment if that will make you feel better,' she ...

What did the Janitor call his safety warning inspired metal band?

Slip not.

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Bicycle Safety Violation Ticket

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his shiny new bike.
The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?"
The kid says, "Yeah."
The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tai...

An elementary teacher was talking to her class about safety when crossing the street.

"I used to have a little brother, and on his eighth birthday my parents got him a brand new red bike. He was across the street at his grandmas' when dad wheeled it outside. My brother was so excited that he ran across the street without looking, right in front of a car. The car hit him and he died."...

Did you hear the one about the roofer with a perfect safety record?

He never had a shingle accident.

There were 11 people hanging on to a single rope that suspended them from a helicopter trying to bring them to safety. Ten were men; one was a woman.

They all decided that one person would have to let go because if they didn't, the rope would break and all of them would die.

No one could decide who it should be. Finally the woman gave a really touching speech, saying how she would give up her life to save the others, because women were use...

I was on a plane recently and the flight attendant was doing the safety announcement 'In the event of an emergency please put your head between your knees" and a voice at the back of the plane shouted out..

" If I could do that I wouldn't be flying to Thailand"....

I have a great safety tip for Halloween this year

Wear a mask!!!

Why is vaccinating before proper safety testing can occur such a bad idea?

Nobody likes Premature Inoculations.

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Fire safety

I was at the Senior Center today and failed a Health and Safety course that was put on for us old folks...

One of the questions was: "In the event of a fire, what steps
would you take?"

"Fuckin' big ones" was apparently the wrong answer.

A husband and his wife were always fighting each other.

When they had a confrontation, screaming and yelling could be heard deep into the night. The woman would shout - 'When I die, I will dig my way up, out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life..' Neighbours feared her and the woman liked the fact that she was feared.. To...

Why did the safety manager avoid the pile of LSD in the middle of the floor?

He felt it was a tripping hazard.

I started researching the safety of elevators.

They have their ups and downs.

On a river rafting trip in Egypt, a couple began to sink. The husband urged his wife to swim to safety before the water got too deep, but she refused to believe she was in any danger.

She was too deep in de Nile.

Airline passenger safety brief

In the event of a loss of cabin pressure, oxygen masks will drop from above. If you're traveling with a child, please fit their mask first. If you have more than 1 child with you, please pick your favorite now.

If The Safety Dance comes on, are we obligated to dance?

I mean, I know we can dance if we want to

What's a safety supervisor's favourite pick-up line?

"Keep your knees bent and your back straight."

TIL that Neopagans love "Safety Dance"

I say, Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everything is out of control
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
We're doing it from pole to pole
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everybody look at your hands
Wiccan dance, Wiccan dance
Everybody's taking the chance

As a kid, I was less concerned about Goldilock's safety

than I was about Mama and Papa bear not sleeping in the same bed anymore.

BMW recalls 300,000 due to one safety hazard...

The drivers.

Im currently doing my dissertation on the safety of a new handheld device for the world health organisation

New phone WHO diss

What does music have to do with road safety?

C sharp or B flat

How many resumé writers does it take to change a lightbulb?

Only one:


Single-handedly managed the successful upgrade and deployment of new environmental illumination system with zero cost overruns, and zero safety incidents, increasing workplace safety and productivity.

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A Health and Safety Christmas Message

Please be advised that all employees planning to dash though the snow in a one-horse open sleigh, going over the fields and laughing all the way are required to undergo a Risk Assessment addressing the safety of open sleighs. This assessment must also consider whether it is appropriate to use only o...

Donald trump said he cares more about the health and safety of the American public than he does about money.

Well *I* laughed when he said it.

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People say there is safety in numbers

Tell that to 6 million jews.

In 1969, the Beatles originally wrote one of their hit songs for a Broadway version of Peter Pan. Captain Hook’s right hand man wanted to Broker a truce that would give Hook the ability to fly and give Peter and the Lost Boys safety from pirates. It ended with a big event where Hook and Peter flew..

Come together, right now... over Smee.

How many bureaucrats does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Six.

One supervises;
One arranges for the electricity to be shut off;
One checks safety and quality standards;
One monitors compliance with government regulations;
One fills out paperwork;
And one who screws the lightbulb into the water faucet.

Important safety warning:

An ancient Babylonian general was once involved in a plot to overthrow the king. His plot included a number of followers in the upper ranks of the army. However, his plot was uncovered, and the king threw him in jail. The king sentenced him to death without a trial.

However, from the jail he ...

Yall know the one with the airplane safety instruction ?

A business man has to go over sees on a business related trip so he has to take a plane for the firs time in his life . He goes through the whole process and boards the plane sitting down . The safety instruction begins and the flight attendant begin to explain " If any of the engines fail , do not...

Home safety

I took my name off the Neighborhood Watch List.
I've got two Pakistani flags raised in my front garden, one at each corner and the black flag of ISIS in the center.
The local police, and multiple intelligence services are watching my house 24/7.

I've never felt safer in my entire Life!

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Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition...

It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday.

On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink.

So when Paddy's 18th birthday came 'round, he and his p...

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You know how they say there's safety in numbers.

Tell that to six million Jews.

When people ask why I have a "Trump 2016" sticker on my car I say it's for safety.

When i'm pulled over, it's the quickest way to tell the Cop i'm white.

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My girlfriend always calls me Mr. Safety

Unfortunately it's not because I practice safe sex, it's because I always come first...

I don't know why there is a baby brand called Safety 1st..

I mean, if they used safety first they wouldn't have to buy their products in the first place

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Dear Son

Dear Son,

I'm writing this slow 'cause I know you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left. Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within twenty miles of home, so we moved. Won't be able to send you the address as the last Arkansas family that lived her...

In the motorcycle safety course they tell you that target fixation is bad, where your eyes are looking is where you usually end up.

Must be why I keep running over female joggers.

Safety brief: Bears

If you know you will be in an area where bears may be, it will be helpful to bring a couple of items with you.

First, attach little bells to your belt so that as you walk it makes noise. This will ensure that a bear will hear you from a distance and you will not startle it.

Second, car...

Looking back on 10 years of marriage

Wanted to save this story for one of my favorite subs.

When I first met my wife we went on our first date and I was pretty nervous. I wanted to take her somewhere different to break the monotonous “first date” vibe of coffee or drinks so we decided to go to a local apiary to help transpla...

AI learns that Jesus was crucified to save everyone from their sins and he'll. AI believes in redundant safety.

AI clones 1000 jesuses and crucifies them all

Safety in Snowplows

A blond gets into her car while an incredibly powerful winter storm surrounds her. She starts the car and puts it in drive when suddenly her anxiety sets in. The horrible weather begins to worry her; she fears that she won't ever get home in it.

It's at this time (and through a stroke of luc...

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The other day I went for a safety test...

The other day I went for a safety test and you have all of the usual questions, 'what would you do with a broken microwave?' And 'What type of steps would you take in the event of a fire?' Etc...

Anyway, I received my results today and I scored 43/44... So now I flicked through to see what I ...

Did you hear about player safety in the super bowl?

Both teams suffered from blackouts

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A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse fall's into a mud hole and is sinking.

He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety.

The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's BMW back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper.

He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, ...

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(NSFW) A horse and a baby chicken were playing in the barnyard...

...when the horse fell into some quicksand. The baby chicken, wanting to help his friend, goes to find the farmer for assistance but he’s nowhere to be found. The baby chicken finds the farmer’s Aston Martin in the garage, however, so he backs it up to the quicksand. He then ties some rope around th...

UA new safety briefing

Life jacket, seatbelt, mouth guard

Why did the guitar shop fail a fire safety inspection?

No Stairway.

My safety supervisor asked me why I wasn't done filing the hazardous material documents...

I told him I was doing asbestos I can

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They say you have safety in numbers...

Sure, tell *that* to 6,000,000 Jews.

[Source](http://youtu.be/Rzb_p1mRW1M?t=4m48s)

I really recommend watching the entire video though, it's hilarious.

Four professionals are interviewing for a math-intensive position in a company

The shortlist of applicants includes a mathematician, a physicist, an engineer, and an accountant.

To begin each interview, the representative from HR poses a simple math problem to warm up the candidates. What is 45+18?

The mathematician immediately responds "63".

The physicist...

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Three men arrive in heaven at the same time. St. Peter comes out to greet them.

"Sorry about this guys," says St. Peter. "God didn't realize just how many people would get into heaven, so we have a new policy. You now have to tell me the story of how you died, and if I think it's sad or interesting enough, I'll let you in."

He walks up to the first man who is a nerdy, bo...

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4 college students are having a great time on spring break.

So they decide to spend an extra week away from class. One of the students calls his professor, and says "prof, we are stuck in Daytona beach. We won't be able to make it back in time for exams because the tire on our car blew. We need to get it fixed before we head back".

The prof says "no p...

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Dear Son,

Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast. We are all doing very well. You won't recognise the house when you get home - because we have moved. Your dad read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from you...

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits

One day an old dog lost his way while chasing rabbits. Soon he noticed a lion in the distance running towards him with a hungry look in his eye.

Noticing some bones on the ground close by, the dog immediately settled down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the ...

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When he was a little boy, Jonny loved tractors.

His wallpapers? Tractors. His toys? Just tractors? His clothing? All tractor-themed. Until one day, he was given the chance to ride in the cockpit of a tractor on his 6th birthday. He was sadly nearly crushed by the tractors wheels when he fell out of the cab, and the experience so traumatised him, ...

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an elephant is walking through the jungle when he realizes he's stuck in quicksand and sinking

He reaches out with his trunk and grabs a branch. He attempts to haul himself in but the branch brakes and he begins sinking even quicker. The elephant begins yelling for help and a Mouse runs up
"What's wrong Mr elephant?" said the mouse
" I am stuck in quicksand and sinking to my Doom.pleas...

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Russian elementary school assignmen: "please tell us an anecdote that demonstrates the kindness of our great leader Putin"

On the due date, the teacher has some students stand up and read their assignments in front of the class.

Little Igor goes first : "one day President Putin was walking down the street when he noticed a crying little girl. He asked what was troubling her, and she told him that her cat went up ...

A Sargent in the army is out fishing with a navy sailor

A big gust of wind hits their small boat, and it capsizes. The Sargent starts to swim to shore, but he notices his friend is sinking and panicking in the water, so swims back, and pulls him to safety.

“Please don’t tell anyone about this.” The sailor says, “If people found out I can’t swim I’...

Mt favorite naval joke!

**Americans**: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.









**Canadians**: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.






**Americans**: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship....

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I actually got to live through a classic joke!

**This is 100 percent true. **

Yesterday I was using electric hedge trimmers on my front bushes. My right hand was holding the safety handle. My left was holding a knob on the front right by the blades. That hand slipped and I reached out to stop it..... And grabbed the blades, still going....

A blonde decides to learn and try horse back riding unassisted without prior experience or lessons...

She mounts the horse with great effort, and the tall, shiny horse springs into motion.

It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle.

Out of shear terror, she grabs for the horse's mane but cannot seem to get a firm grip.

She tr...

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I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary

I, the Penis, hereby demand a raise in salary for the following reasons:
I do physical labor.
I work at great depths.
I plunge headfirst into everything I do.
I do not get weekends or public holidays off.
I work in a damp environment.
I work in a dark workplace that has...

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