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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

Did you hear about the new Silence of the Lambs sequel that's set to take place in Newfoundland?

It's going to be called Ewes Be Quiet.

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

"Baa" is a fun thing to say.

That's what ewe think.

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What does a ram do with his free time?

Fuck ewe.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

Why did the ram go off the cliff?

Because he didn’t see the ewe turn

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scottish Highlander?

Mick Jagger sings, "Hey you, get off of my cloud . . ", while the Scottish Highlander yells, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with ewe..

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What did Gandalf say to the sheep farmer that wanted to cross his land?

Ewe shall not pass.

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

If I told you that I had carved a female sheep from a tree stump...

Wood Ewe believe it?

I was showing an Aussie mate around the back blocks of New Zealand’s fabulous South Island.

We came across a ewe with its head caught in a fence. Not one to waste an opportunity, I got in behind and did the business (as you do). The I turned to the Aussie and said, “OK, mate, it’s your turn.”

So he got down and stuck his head in the fence!

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

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I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

It’s easier to take Wales out of the EU...

...than it is to take a Welshman out of the ewe.

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

Him: All my female sheep ate some fermented berries and have gotten drunk and passed out, should I tell the coroner?

Her: No, that's a ewe problem; not a ME problem.

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

What's the ram's favorite letter?

Double ewe.

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

What was the ram’s favourite Christmas carol?

All I Want for Christmas is Ewe

Why did the scotswoman divorce her husband?

She found out he was really saying "I love ewe".

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Sheep are grass.

Ewe are what ewe eat.

Poseidon, God of the Sea, wanted to take one day off...

"Zeus" he says, "I'm tired of this whole 'God of the Sea' business."

Zeus says he can take a day off and give his powers, for just one day, to the first animal he sees when he goes ashore.

He puts his powers into a sheep.

Suddenly, the sheep levitates, and walks out into the s...

A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".

"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams

"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

What did Dolly the Sheep’s friend say to her right after her clone was born?

“Look, it’s a little ewe.”

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

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The Jamaican restaurant informed me that they're getting low on lamb meat.

Or in other words:

THE JERK STORE CALLED AND THEY'RE RUNNING OUT OF EWE.

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A ship goes down at sea and two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.

The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.

The man eventually comes to the realization that he will never be rescued. Sadly he beg...

What did the fat sheep say to her husband?

"I love being a round ewe"

Donald Trump hired a group of drag queen sheep...

They were called the “Fake Ewes”

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A man is shipwrecked on an island

A man is sailing off the coast of Australia when a storm hits. He ends up shipwrecked on a little island.

There are just pastures and a few farms, so he goes up to one of the farms and asks if he can stay. A couple of grizzled old shepherds are there, and they give him lodging.

The ne...

What's a sheep's favourite band?

Ewe 2

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