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Ewe Jokes

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What's the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?

Mick Jagger says, "Hey you, get off of my cloud," but a Scotsman says, "Hey McCloud, get off of my ewe."

Why did the ram go off the cliff?

Because he didn’t see the ewe turn

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What did Gandalf say to the sheep farmer that wanted to cross his land?

Ewe shall not pass.

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I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

It’s easier to take Wales out of the EU...

...than it is to take a Welshman out of the ewe.

Couldn't fall asleep so I started counting sheep ...

Couldn't fall asleep, so I started counting sheep and everything was great as I was drifting off to dreamland THEN one of the sheep said "Hey pal - I think you forgot to make your car insurance payment 7 days ago!" - and I sat up ... wide awake and said "Ewe have got to be kidding me!"

The Swiss have an ancient Valentine's Day tradition of giving their crush a pregnant sheep

In Swiss German, this animal gift is known as "fond-ewe".

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A man walks into a Bar and tells the bartender "I just fucked a sheepess"

The bartender responds "Ewe"

You know what's the favourite holiday song in Wales?

All I Want For Christmas is Ewe

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Two shepherds are hanging out watching their flocks...

One says to the other, "my wife is angry at me for shagging all my female sheep."

The other, not feeling particularly sympathetic, replies, "sounds like a ewe problem."

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

What's Little Bo Peep's favorite song?

Never Gonna Give "Ewe" Up

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

A farmer and his daughter move to a new farm ...

A boy from a neighboring farm comes over to welcome his new neighbors and is immediately smitten. The next day the boy returns with a gift of a baby deer. The day after that he gives the daughter a pure white bird. The following day he delivers a healthy female sheep. After the third gift, the ...

What's the difference between a Scotsmen and The Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones would yell 'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"

But a Scotsmen would tell 'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!'

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

Got chatting with a farmer in a pub once.

He was telling me that every sheep he's ever owned has run away, almost as if they don't like him. He said it's hard not to take it personally.

"Every sheep?" I asked.

"Yes", he said. "Every single sheep I've ever owned has run away."

"Well, that sounds like a ewe problem."

My wife tells me that she can't stand sheep.

I told her that I think that's a ewe problem.

What did the crooner sing after hearing about the extinction of goats?

"There will never be another ewe."

(yes, it's a groaner, but i'm willing to bear the embarrassment because I made up the joke myself!)

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A ship goes down at sea

Two survivors wash up on the shore of an island--a man and a Chihuahua.
The only other inhabitants of the island are harmless native sheep that roam and feed aimlessly on the lush grass. Conditions are primitive, but the man and Chihuahua coexist peacefully for several years.
The man event...

Did you hear about the new Silence of the Lambs sequel that's set to take place in Newfoundland?

It's going to be called Ewes Be Quiet.

"Baa" is a fun thing to say.

That's what ewe think.

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Sheep are grass.

Ewe are what ewe eat.

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with ewe..

You ever heard a "Montana proposal?"

"Will ewe marry me?"

If I told you that I had carved a female sheep from a tree stump...

Wood Ewe believe it?

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

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Mick Jagger had a little pet sheep

Mick was very fond of her, and played with her all the time in his garden. One day, to his horror, he came outside and found his Scottish gardener vigorously fucking her. Furious, Mick yelled, "Hey, McCloud! Get Offa my ewe!"

Why did the scotswoman divorce her husband?

She found out he was really saying "I love ewe".

What did Dolly the Sheep’s friend say to her right after her clone was born?

“Look, it’s a little ewe.”

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

I was showing an Aussie mate around the back blocks of New Zealand’s fabulous South Island.

We came across a ewe with its head caught in a fence. Not one to waste an opportunity, I got in behind and did the business (as you do). The I turned to the Aussie and said, “OK, mate, it’s your turn.”

So he got down and stuck his head in the fence!

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

What did the fat sheep say to her husband?

"I love being a round ewe"

Smokey the Bear was relaxing in his new house.

He'd just moved to the neighborhood, and was enjoying retirement after years of working for the U.S. Forest Service. He was sitting in his favorite easy chair, reading a particularly engaging book, when the doorbell rang.

Smokey sighed, set the book face down (his sister was always so mad at ...

A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".

"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams

"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

Donald Trump hired a group of drag queen sheep...

They were called the “Fake Ewes”

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