UPJOKE
sheepudderlambbagbenintogoghanaafricanhocksuetketoflockzeddemeterslingers

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Went for a walk with my new girlfriend

and we saw dogs mating.

She said: "How does the male know when the female is ready for sex?"

I replied: "He can smell she is ready . That's how nature works."

We then walked past a sheep field and the ram was mating the ewe.

Again my girlfriend asked: "How does the ram kn...

Husband doing crossword with his wife

Husband: Emphatic no, five letters.

Wife: Never

H: Pistol, 3 letters.

W: Gun

H: Disgust, 3 letters.

W: Ugh

H: Charity, 4 letters.

W: Give

H: Female sheep, 3 letters

W: Ewe

H: Pixar movie, 2 letters

W: Up

What's the difference...

between a Scotsman and the Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones sing "Hey, you, get off of my cloud."

A Scotsman sings "Hey, McLeod, get off of my ewe."

What's the difference between heaven and Scotland?

In heaven you might hear somebody say "Hey you, get off my cloud" in Scotland you might hear somebody say "Hey McCloud get off my ewe"

What's the difference between a Scotsmen and The Rolling Stones?

The Rolling Stones would yell 'Hey! You! Get offa mah cloud!"

But a Scotsmen would tell 'Hey! McCloud! Get offa mah EWE!'

A man, his sheep and his Vet girlfriend…

Farmer Sam is tending to his flock and notices one of his sheep is bumping into things in a clumsy manner.

He inspects the sheep and can’t find any reasonable explanation for the sudden lack of coordination.

Fortunately, Farmer Sam has recently started dating Veronica, who happens to...

Why did Russia assemble an army of female sheep and wading birds at the border?

They were preparing for a ewe-crane invasion.

What did the ram say to Santa?

All I want for Christmas is ewe.

Did you hear about the farmer who left her sheep out in the blizzard?

She had to take them to the Icy Ewe ward.

My wife tells me that she can't stand sheep.

I told her that I think that's a ewe problem.

Why did the ram go off the cliff?

Because he didn’t see the ewe turn

Did you hear about the new Silence of the Lambs sequel that's set to take place in Newfoundland?

It's going to be called Ewes Be Quiet.

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An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week.

An amateur woodworker moves to a new neighborhood and makes some friends at a local bar he goes to every other week. As a way to say thanks to the community, he offers to take down and rebuild a brand new deck at the bar. The bar owner, who practically lives at the bar day-in day-out, doesn't want t...

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A farmer goes to the vet about his sheep

It's coming into lambing season, but the ewes aren't getting pregnant, and he doesn't know what to do. The vet suggests artificial insemination.



Our friend the farmer is a bit dim, and doesn't know what that means, and takes it that it falls on \*him\* to do the deed.

So that ...

"Baa" is a fun thing to say.

That's what ewe think.

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What do you call a deer with no eyes?

What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no genitals?
Still no fucking eye deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no g...

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What does a ram do with his free time?

Fuck ewe.

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What did Gandalf say to the sheep farmer that wanted to cross his land?

Ewe shall not pass.

What is a New Zealanders favourite love song?

I cant help falling in love with ewe..

You want to know why I have a sheep skull on my bathroom scales?

Weigh a head of ewe.

I consider you a female sheep

Gotta say it aloud.

*ewe

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I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating

I accidentally walked in on my daughter masturbating with a cucumber and I immediately shut the door.

"Ewe gross, I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like a cucumber"

You ever heard a "Montana proposal?"

"Will ewe marry me?"

It’s easier to take Wales out of the EU...

...than it is to take a Welshman out of the ewe.

Meta-meta-joke

# Joke

A joke is something funny because unpredicatable that makes people laugh, giggle or smile. This is a a joke :



>I met a shepherd, we talked about ewe.



The fact that it takes a second to realize that "we talked about ewe" sounds like the well known sente...

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A sheep calls a sex line...



Sheep: I'd ram you so hard. Operator: Ewe are a baaaaaad boy!

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Mick Jagger had a little pet sheep

Mick was very fond of her, and played with her all the time in his garden. One day, to his horror, he came outside and found his Scottish gardener vigorously fucking her. Furious, Mick yelled, "Hey, McCloud! Get Offa my ewe!"

Everyone’s heard The Rolling Stones song that says “Hey, you, get off of my cloud”

Less well known is the Irish version, that goes “Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe”

A group of monks have an encounter with the almighty while tending their flower garden.

The experience so transforms them that they decide to form a new order, with a monastery, dedicated to growing flowers as a form of worship. Two years into the venture they realize that they are running out of funds and decide to begin selling some of their flowers as a way to raise funds to support...

A cornea, a female sheep, a tire and a nerd walk into a haunted house

The cornea bounces in first, making plenty of noise all throughout the house, and leaves terrified and satisfied.

The female sheep prances in next, and terrified bleeting can be heard by all, before she leaves in fear.

The tire rolls in next, making loud, frightened rubbery noises insi...

Where do sheep go to watch funny videos?

EweTube

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A girl caught me pissing on a sheep this morning.

“Ewe!”

Same thing.

I was showing an Aussie mate around the back blocks of New Zealand’s fabulous South Island.

We came across a ewe with its head caught in a fence. Not one to waste an opportunity, I got in behind and did the business (as you do). The I turned to the Aussie and said, “OK, mate, it’s your turn.”

So he got down and stuck his head in the fence!

Turns out shepherds don't like being referred to as

'ewe people'

A female sheep walks into a bar with a baby cow and a baby goat

Bartender says: Ewe Calf to be Kidding me!

What's the ram's favorite letter?

Double ewe.

A group of sheep walk into a buffet.

The waiter approaches the group and says, "the ladies can eat, but the men will only be able to order drinks".

"Baaa... care to explain yourself?" asks one of the rams

"I'm sorry Sir, but as the sign stated on the door, this is an all ewe can eat buffet".

Why did the scotswoman divorce her husband?

She found out he was really saying "I love ewe".

What did Dolly the Sheep’s friend say to her right after her clone was born?

“Look, it’s a little ewe.”

I lacked confidence in my ability as a sheep shearer....until I started shearing female sheep....

Ewes make me feel like a natural woolman....

What was the first thing the farmers daughter said after watching a sheep give birth for the first time?

Ewe

Scientists have determined that it's impossible to change a female sheep into a male.

They'll never make a man out of ewe.

What did the fat sheep say to her husband?

"I love being a round ewe"

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