what do you call a 145 million year old swine carcass?

Jurassic Pork

Ill show^myself^out

Two guys are walking through a field in Montana

when they stumble across a well. The men look down the well and notice it is so deep, they can't see the bottom. One guys says to the other, "throw a stick into it, see how deep the well is." So the man finds a stick, tosses it in the well, the men wait for the splash...nothing. No sound. Curious to...

A priest finds a dead hog in a ditch by the wayside...

Figuring the poor animal has been killed by a careless driver, he calls up the police for someone to come pick up the carcass.

The officer on the other end, not without humor, chucklingly mentions that he thought it was the church's own business to take care of the dead.

"Yes indeed, ...

Text response from a confused carcass:

I decay.

So, have you guys heard of a chicken cannon?

Used by US Federal Aviation Administration, it's a unique device for testing the strength of windshields on airplanes. The device is a gun that launches a dead chicken at a plane’s windshield at approximately the speed the plane flies.



The theory is that if the windshield doesn’t crac...

A man walks down the streets of New York dragging a dead horse.

A passer by sees the scene and intrigued goes and asks "What are you doing dragging a dead horse in the middle of the city streets?"

Man says "Help me cross it the street and I'll tell you."

Passer by helps him out "Now will you tell me?"

Man says "Help me get it up to the 5th f...

Two Army Rangers are on vacation in New Orleans....

when they both get the idea to catch an alligator, skin it and get shoes made out of its carcass.

They go to an outfitter to get a boat and all the gear they’ll need, and during the conversation they mention they are army. The outfitter tells them that two Marines with the exact same idea pas...

I was on a beach once, roasting a seagull over a small fire

I heard footsteps on the rocks, and looked up to see a Conservation Officer approaching.

"Hey there, bud, whatcha cookin' there?"

I turned the bird slowly on its stick, then looked at the pile of feathers. "Western Gull, I think."

The officer widened his eyes, "Oh, ya can't be e...

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Bears in Bars in Butte, Montana

One beautiful springtime day, a bear wakes up after a long winter's sleep, smacks his lips, and decides he's going to go to town to get a beer.

Just so happens that this bear's home is nearby Butte, Montana, and he found it pretty easy to find a bar. He walks on in, takes a stool, lays his bi...

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A bear goes into a bar in billings

And asks the bartender for a beer. The bartender replies “we don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.”

The bear is outraged and once again demands a beer. The bartender again says they don’t serve beer to bears in bars in billings.

The bear sees a woman drinking at the end of the...

A hunter goes to the woods

One day a hunter goes in the woods to hunt bears, sees one walking by and BOOM! Shot the bear down. He goes to check if the bear is dead and starts his celebration dance. All of a sudden he feels a tap on his shoulder, turns around and sees a huge bear. "You've made a big mistake Jake" at which the ...

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My nan's cat died last week, and I wanted to do something a bit special for her to remember him by.

So I called up a local taxidermist.
"How much to have my nan's cat stuffed and on a wooden plinth, pouncing on a terrified mouse?" I asked.
"About £1,500," came the reply.
"FFFFifteen **hundred** quid?! That's a bit steep, how about curled up like he's sleeping peacefully?"
"Abou...

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Three friends went hunting in the woods.

After not seeing any deer for several hours, they decided to split up, hoping that at least one of them would be able to bag some venison. They agreed that if anyone shot a deer, he would shoot three times in the air so the others could come help with the carcass.

Some time passed, and one of...

Cow Jokes

What do you call a cow with only two legs? Lean Beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground Beef.

Two cows are grazing in the field. One cow says to the other, "Hey Dorris, you worried about this Mad-Cow Disease epidemic?" The other cow turns and says, "Why would I be? I'm a chic...

Deer Hunter

A hunter was stalking a deer on the ridge across from him when he noticed the deer was somewhat wobbly and seemed to be squinting. Looking carefully through his rifle scope, he soon realized that the big buck was standing in the middle of a patch of marijuana, happily chewing away. Taking careful ...

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War camel.

So a plane goes down in the Sahara in WW2.
The survivors are a lieutenant, a sergeant, a corporal and a private. They have a days rations and are many days out from the nearest town.

The looty sends the corporal to scout around for anything to help in their predicament. He returns with a...

Vegan cooking instructions

How regular people read cooking instructions: dip the chicken breast in whisked egg.

How vegans read cooking instructions: dip the flayed carcass of the mother in the embryonic fluid of the child.

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Three Hobos...

...are walking along a railroad track in the early morning. It's been days since their last meal, and they are quite hungry. They came upon a dead rat. "Breakfast!", exclaimed the first one, and he gobbled it up. A short time later, they found a half-eaten raccoon carcass. "Oh, boy! Brunch!", yelle...

There was a contest to see who can...

...stand in a room with a decaying goat carcass the longest. There were 4 contestants representing their respective countries: an American, an Englishman, a Russian and a Chinese man.

The contest was held in front of a capacity crowd of 500,000 people of different nationalities and all walks ...

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A hunter comes back home after a long day of hunting......

Upon seeing him holding an animal carcass in his hand, his daughter jumped up from her chair. His daughter said," Is that for dinner?" The hunter quickly replied," It is for dinner. Can you guess what it is?" The daughter, being at the tender age of five, did not know what it was, and replied," I do...

So a vulture is in line to board a plane...

and he's got a deer carcass in his claws. The TSA agent turns to the vulture and says, "That deer carcass smells horrific, surely you are going to check it on?" The vulture looks at the agent, smiles and says, "Nope, it's carrion."

A blonde a brunette and a red head go camping...

They set up camp and go to sleep for the night. The next morning they wake up to find the red head preparing a deer and cooking it up. Amazed, the blonde and brunette ask where she got it.

"Simple" says the red head. "I followed the tracks, followed the tracks, and BOOM, caught a deer!"
...

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Hunting Trip

Four guys were out hunting. Three of the guys were completely healthy. One guy, Art, had diarrhea the whole trip. When they got to there hunting site, Art picked one tree to shit on the whole time. When his buddies finally got a deer, he wasn't there. He was shitting. So they cleaned the carcass and...

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Billy visits his grandfather, who used to hunt large game.

The grandfather gives Billy a tour of his house, showing him all of the mounted heads and carcass of animals he's shot. Deer, boar, fox, etc. When they enter the study, there stands a 6'2" stuffed grizzly bear. "Grandpa, did you kill that bear?" Billy asked. "I sure did, Billy." "That's amazing! How...

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