My dad got in a HUGE fight with my mom. He accused her of smearing glue on his firearms. She denied it.

But he’s sticking to his guns.

The other day, my girlfriend asked me to pass her lipstick, but I accidentally passed her a glue stick.

She still isn't talking to me.

I once met a girl who had confused Krazy Glue for KY Jelly.

I asked her how she did it, but sadly, her lips were sealed.

What does glue from Greenland do?

Igloos

My friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

But that’s his story, and he’s sticking to it.

I think my wife is putting glue on my weapons collection

She denies it , but I'm sticking to my guns

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

This is a traditional Scottish joke. I heard it from my dad, he heard it from his dad, and he had it shouted at him by a guy called Johnny Glue-bag

There was once a Russian wrestler with the stage name Ivan the Terrible. His name was well earned for every man who stepped into the ring with him would be killed. He had two infamous moves: the half pretzel which would cripple you for life and the full pretzel which would break your neck and kill y...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Prostate massages are like stickers with excessively strong glue.

It’s a pain in the ass to get off.

What's the difference between a piano, a bucket of glue and a tuna fish?

You can tune a piano but you can't tune a fish.

Oh the glue you ask. I knew you'd get stuck on that.

Girl are you gorilla glue?

Cause I can’t get you outta my head

I really bonded with the guy at the glue factory.

We have been inseparable ever since we met.

Did you guys hear about the lady who put Gorilla Glue in her hair?

She asked for a refund, but they won't give her silverback.

What do you call it when a person using glue as hair spray gets into arguments with people online who are laughing at them?

Gorilla Warfare.

My wife holds grudges over the smallest things. She asked me to pass her the lip balm, and by mistake, I gave her a tube of Super Glue.

Even after a few weeks, she's still not speaking to me

What's the worst part about accidentally using glue instead of lube

Deciding whether to go to the hospital or the vet

Whats the difference between a piano, a keyboard and a bottle of glue?

The piano doesnt need electricity, the keyboard does.

A professor, a CEO, and a janitor are in a forest when they discover a magic fairy

The fairy says "I will give you what you most desire if you do someone else's job for a day."

The professor says "I'll be an elementary school teacher. What can be so hard about teaching a bunch of 6-year-olds how to read?" so he is teleported into a classroom. After a few minutes, all the ki...

I replaced my best friend's lipstick with super glue.

She's not speaking to me.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Woman visits the antique store

And find a beautiful wardrobe. She decide to buy, but says, that it is too big and won't fit through her door.

The clerk tells her that they can disassemble it, deliver to her house and then assemble it again. She accept so they do just that.

Next day woman calls to the store explainin...

Noah's wife: the ark is falling apart Noah: glue might work, I have an idea

Horse: it's weird he brought 3 of us

So a dart player came up to me and said "Why did u put super glue on my dart? '...

I said "You can't just let it go can you"

Glue-sniffing drug addicts

A group of experienced glue-sniffers was teaching a newcomer to sniff glue.

But instead of sniffing the glue, the glue sniffer poured it into his mouth, and had to go to the hospital emergency room.

"Hey," reminded one of the glue-sniffers. "Don't expose our glue-sniffing group."
...

What's the difference between a hippo, a zippo, and a stick of glue?

One is a heavy mammal and one is a little lighter.

A husband is divorcing his wife coz she poured glue all over his firearms...

He says "She denies it, but I am sticking to my guns"

My friend made a puppy out of glue!

I thought it was cool until it bit a mailman. He’s a viscous dog.

I stopped sniffing glue last week and I regret it.

I should've stuck with it.

I was rushed into the ER because my son squirted glue into my eye.

It was an eye-opening experience.

I heard that sperm is the strongest glue ever.

It might be true : I've never seen a baby falling apart.

If you ever need to look like you have a beard, glue a rabbit to your face.

And presto-chango, facial hare!

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

Guy 1:"Tell me a bad pun" Guy 2: "Alright What’s the difference between a tuna fish, a piano and a tube of glue" Guy 1: "Ok that last one was random as heck what is the difference"

Guy 2: " you can tuna a piano, but you can’t piano a tuna" Guy 1: "Ok where does the glue come in" Guy 2: “Ah i knew you’d get stuck on that”

Asians made the first ever edible glue.

Rice

Glue Book

Once read a book on the history of glue.
I couldn’t put it down.

So I'm covered in glue and that was a mistake?

I thought I was supposed to shelter in paste!

Everyone hates making-out with Gorilla glue

Its gets so clingy afterwhile.

British Joke

I remember waking up one morning, and my wife asked me, "Honey, give me the lipstick." I accidentally gave her a glue-stick! She hasn't talked to me since...

I almost lost my job at the glue factory...

It seemed like everything was falling apart. But I stuck with it, and have managed to hold it all together.

I just needed to adhere to the rules

I accidentally put a glue stick in my wife's purse and she thought it was Chapstick

She hasn't said a word to me since

My friend has been reading a book about glue a lot

I guess it’s hard to put down

I tried model glue the other day

She still got away

It’s okay for me to use gorilla glue but as soon as I start using horse glue everyone gets all angry

Aren’t gorillas like, super endangered? WTF

Two friends are arguing...

"Look, I have a colony of ants!"

"Well, I have taller ants than you"

"Oh, well I have a tube of glue"

"Hah, I have an entire tin"

"I got bread!"

"Argh, you win! I can't handle that bread with my glue tin 'n' taller ants"

I covered all my weapons in glue.

I questioned it at first, but I decided to stick to my guns.

How does a bottle of glue named Ed answer the phone?

Ed here

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I was walking through an arts and crafts shop when I saw a sign saying, "Glue Sticks."

I thought, "No shit..."

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

My friend used to boast about how much super glue he could eat

He now keeps his mouth shut

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Another hooker from Crewe limerick

There was a young hooker from Crewe
Who filled her vagina with glue
She said with a grin,
"If they pay to get in -
they can pay to get out again too".

I'm here all week.

I’m reading this hot new book on the power of super glue.

I just can’t make myself put it away now, I'm too stuck on it.

The other day I've mixed my wives lipstick with a glue stick

My model plane fell completely apart!

My dad rubs Elmers Glue on his hands like lotion before he goes hunting. I know, it's weird, and I've tried talking him out of it...

But he's sticking to his guns on this one. Stubborn man.

I used to work in a messy munitions and glue factory

I asked for a pay rise, but the management stuck to their guns

Did you hear about the cowboys who deny robbing the glue factory?

They're sticking to their guns.

Boss told me to glue 2 pieces of wood together

Totally nailed it

Two friends were comparing their belongings

The first guy goes: 'i have ants'

The second guy : 'well i have taller ants'

The first guy : 'well i got a tube of glue'

The second guy : 'and i have an entire tin of it'

The first guy: 'i got bread as well'

The second guy: 'ugh you win, i can't handle that with my...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Came home from work to find my husband panicking because he'd managed to glue his cock to a shoe.

I instantly started panicking too then started rushing about looking for solvents and medical supplies. It was only when he started laughing that I realised he was just fooking aboot.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Jerking off with glue was fun at first...

But now it just feels like I’m beating a dead horse.

Last night I read all 800 pages of 'The History of Super-Glue'

...I just couldn't put it down!

I confused a tube of super glue with a tube of lube

It was horrible. My model airplane kept slipping apart.

My boss Fred keeps trying different brands of glue.

I think he should just pick one and stick with it.

I ate a bottle of glue and they say I’ll probably die but I haven’t yet so...

I’m sticking with my guts on this one

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

Did you hear about the guy who accidently used super glue instead of lube while having sex?

He's now a man trapped in a woman's
body..

What's the difference between an actor and useless glue?

One is Brad Pitt

The other is bad Pritt

So I nutted in this girls hair a few weeks ago....

I know Im black, but she didnt need to call it gorilla glue ):

Wood glue

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Wood glue.
Wood glue who?
Wood glue marry me?

Note: Neckbeards, DO NOT try this on your girlfriends.

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