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cool funny jokes that i can copy and paste on to reddit

wait this isn't google



shit

5 year old: Mommy, do you know how long a tooth paste tube lasts?

Mother: No honey?

5 year old: 2 laps around the TV table, and one around the couch

I got an e-mail from a buddy of mine. He always has trouble spelling certain words. He said he quit his job at the glue factory. Upper management wanted everyone to put out 2,500 tubes per hour

I guess he's not the type to work in a fast paste environment.

I couldn't tell if I brushed my teeth with tooth paste or shamoo last night

I hope it was the former, not the lather.

The best days of my life.....

An Inspirational speaker said:
"The best days of my life were the days I spent with another man's wife".
Audience were in shock and silence.
He added: "and she is my mother".
A big round of applause and laughter followed.
One Man who listened to the speech decided to crack this at h...

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4 years ago today, I shared the worst joke I ever created. Here it is again for those that missed it.

There are two identical twin brothers that live together. One happens to be a well-respected dentist, and the other can't seem to keep a job. Instead of actively looking for work, he likes to sit around at home. One Saturday, the dentist is hungry, and puts his brother on the spot. He tells him to g...

Yesterday Reddit, Hulu and Xbox live was down

Must have been a boring day for the staff at BuzzFeed. They couldn't play Call of Duty and insult each other, watch cartoons or even copy and paste more stories for their website.

How many redditors does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Well technically they don’t actually screw in the light-bulbs, they only copy and paste them.

Want to hear a reposted joke

never mind i dont know how to copy and paste

A Foreign man wishes to buy land.

\[Long\]

A Foreign man named "Paste" is looking to invest in a plot of land but is short 1/2 of the total cost.

The land he wants and feels is right for him is in the town of "Ugh" but unfortunately he lives in "Um".

He walks into the local Bank and talks to an employee with the...

What do you call a racehorse who's too old to race?

Fast paste.

There was an accident at the toll booth

The driver of a huge trailer lost control of his rig, and plowed into an empty toll booth, smashing it to pieces.

Some time after the driver had reported the damage, he watched as a repair truck pulled up and discharged a crew of workers. They picked up each broken piece of the wreckage and...

After a brief, bloodless gunfight,

Prickly Bob and his Saddlesore Gang have managed to capture Dan Hollings, Deputy of Tombstone. Prickly Bob, not wanting a murder warrant on his head, has decided to let the desert take care of his latest problem with the law.

Now, I won't lie to you. Alone and buried up to his chin in red des...

Making mobile phone games is similar to posting jokes on reddit.

Just copy it from somewhere, reorganize/repackage and paste, et voilà.

How do you fix a broken tomato?

Tomato paste

It doesn't matter what you post.

It is all about how you paste it.

Trying to help my grandad use the computer

and he asks me how to print something, told him to control P and he said he hasn't been able to do that for years!

A joke is like a frog...

When you dissect it, it dies.
Get it? Just like a frog dies when you dissect it, so does a joke when you explain it.
Basically, the frog is used as an analogy, to help people understand that jokes shouldn't be explained, because the joke will die, or more specifically, become unfunny. So, just...

Ugh... Why isn't it working...

Damn it, it isn't letting me paste for some reason.

The beauty industry:

For men: This can be used as a shampoo, body wash, face wash, lotion, mouth wash, tooth paste, engine degreaser, spackle, or sunscreen


For women: We've specially formulated this moisturizer for your left elbow

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I'd been a bit of a shut in computer nerd for a long while before I lost my virginity...

My parents forced me out on a date they arranged. To my surprise I manage to bring her home.

Still, I didn't know the first thing about women, completely clueless.

However, like a good nerd I was prepared. Right before the date I wrote a list of questions about sex on my laptop should...

Right Click!

My dad, who is trying to learn how to use a computer, calls me to help him apply for a job online. It was one of those online applications where you can fill in the forms or just paste your resume in a box. I'm at work so, in the essence of saving time, I attempt to walk him through pasting his resu...

A man smashed his car into a tollgate.

He really totaled the booth, there was bits of wood everywhere. As he was wondering what on earth to do his friend happens to drive up and has a look at the damage.

"I've got some glue in my car that will fix this in no time" says the friend.

"No way" says the first man, "this booth is...

My graduation Speech

"I want to thank Google, Wikipedia, and whoever the hell invented copy and paste. Thank you."

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Vernon Koekemoer

A British man on safari walks into a bar far out in the reaches of a game reserve in Southern Africa, he stays at the bar for a while shooting the shit with the bartender and drinking like a fish, he offer to buy the barkeep a round and since no one else is within 2km of their small oasis of liquor ...

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A new doctor in town

A little long but funny:

So a new doctor moved to some town and put up this sign on his clinic, "Guaranteed to fix any medical problem you have". So one of the douchebags in that town bet his friends that he can come up with something that the doctor will never be able to fix. So, the next d...

A Social Media Consultant walks into a bar and orders a drink.

He copies-and-pastes the drink to five other bars and requests that they become a fan of it, then bills the first bar for six drinks.

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