I write songs about sewing machines

I'm a Singer Songwriter

According to my sewing instructor, I'm easily the worse student She's ever had..

Oops... sorry, wrong thread.

I hired a hitman to clean up my sewing

He has been tying up all the loose ends.

(NSFW) Little Jonny is in sewing class

when all of a sudden, he clumsily catches himself with the sewing needle. Seeing that he is bleeding, the teacher offers him a plaster. ‘That won’t do Miss’, says Little Jonny. ‘What I need is some cider’. ‘Don’t be ridiculous’, says the teacher. ‘What on earth for?’ Little Jonny replies, ‘My sister...

Two sewing machines walk into a bar.

One says ‘Are you a singer?’

The other says ‘Sure, janome?’

I’m repairing my Quidditch equipment with some glue and a sewing kit. Quaffles I can usually fix by gluing them,

but Snitches get stitches

I got a C- for my high school sewing project. The teacher's only comment was....

Seams reasonable.

What were the monster's first words after Dr. Franksenstein brought him back to life after sewing together different body parts?

Thanks for re-membering me.

Pablo Picasso was once mugged in the street...

When the police questioned him on the appearance of the culprit, he did the reconstruction sketch himself.

The investigation went rather quickly. On the first day, the police had already arrested 3 handicapped people, 3 elderly women, 2 fish, and a sewing machine.

My wife recently started sewing what she calls "quarantine skirts".

They look best when lifted.

Why are Christmas trees so bad at sewing?

They keep dropping their needles!

My mother just got a sewing machine

Needles to say, she was sattisfied

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

That's how the fight got started...

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.

I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'

'No,' she answered.

I then said, 'Is that your final answer?'

... She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'

So I ...

Two old women are sitting on a porch smoking cigarettes.

Ask they are smoking, it begins to rain. The first woman's cigarette gets wet and goes out. As she looks at her friend, she sees something fascinating unfold.


Her friend has brought out a condom and a pair of small sewing scissors. She unrolls the condom, cuts off the end of it, and sl...

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

What do you call a gangsta sewing group?

Nittas With Attitude

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

There once was a man with an extremely high-pitched voice

(For retelling, ^(superscript) is high-pitched/falsetto voice)

He had since long passed puberty, but while his friends got deep, manly voices, his remained so high that he ^(spoke like this). Ever since then, it had been a tremendous source of insecurity. Now, he was in his thirties, and he r...

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling.

I needle the help I can get.

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

How can you tell if a sewing machine is trustworthy?

If it seams legit

What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine?

Make it sew!

Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children...

Whoops, wrong thread.

Faithful

After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to St.Pierre and asked:
“Where is my husband?”
“He i...

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole...

Sewing machine factory

This is a Soviet joke that was told to me recently. It takes place during a war.

---


A woman at a sewing machine factory has worked there for 40 years, working at an assembly line. A party is held to celebrate her 40 year work anniversary.

At the party, the director of the f...

Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut.

After I left, they were humming my praises.

My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.

"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

I think my wife's sewing machine is on the blink.

I'm not sure what's wrong, it just doesn't seam right.

Ole & Sven go to the unemployment office

Ole and Sven were just laid off from the lingerie factory so they went to the unemployment office to collect their checks.

Ole goes up and rings the bell. The lady asks, "What can I do for you?"
Ole replied, "I vas just laid off from vork and I vant to collect my unemployment"
Lady - "W...

Yard work

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed.

But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me.

Finally she thought of a clever way to make her po...

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

“I’ve been licking it for ages but it still isn’t stiff enough to get it in!” said the exasperated wife to her husband,

“Darling, maybe sewing isn’t for you if you can’t even thread a needle...”

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

I come from a very musical family

Even the sewing machine's a singer

A nun was losing sleep over whether or not to take up sewing

She heard it could be habit-forming

This joke may contain profanity. 🤔

I may have a needle dick.

But I fuck like a sewing machine.

"Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill."

"What? Why do you need a $50?"



"I want to buy a thimble."



"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?



"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet."

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are...

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