I need help with my sewing

Whoops, wrong thread

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Everyone in my sewing class thinks I’m the worst they have ever seen.

Shit, wrong thread.

What do you call a gangsta sewing group?

Nittas With Attitude

What's the difference between a sewing machine and a female jogger?

A sewing machine only has one bobbin.

What do you say to an angry woman sitting at a sewing machine?

You seem stressed.

I recently started sewing myself a sweater but I didn't have all the proper equipment...

...needle-less to say, I didn't get very far.

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I may have a needle dick

But I fuck like a sewing machine

My friend writes songs about sewing machines.

She’s a Singer songwriter.

What did Jean-Luc Picard say when Engineering offered to fix his electric sewing machine?

Make it sew!

Last night I ran out of sewing needles.

I should go to the supermarket and grab myself a punnet.

I'm trying to think of a sewing pun but I'm really struggling.

I needle the help I can get.

Today i made a mistake while sewing.

Oops, wrong thread.

Two sewing machines were walking down the road...

As they pass by each other one says to the other "Hey are you that Singer?".

The other replies "Janome?".

How can you tell if a sewing machine is trustworthy?

If it seams legit

The sword swallower went to a sewing store to buy pins and needles

He was on a diet

An old lady is looking to buy a condom...

At a nursing home, two elderly women, Ethel and Vivian, are smoking outside on their balcony.

It starts raining, and Ethel pulls a thin rubber tube out of her purse and carefully slips it over the lit end of her cigarette.

“What is that?” Vivian asks her.

“A condom. I just sn...

Tragic sewing accident kills woman and three children...

Whoops, wrong thread.

My wife got a prick in her hand while sewing.

"Stick it in cider," I said.

"What good'll that do?"

"I dunno, but there's this woman at work who says every time she gets a prick in her hand she sticks it in cider."

I think my wife's sewing machine is on the blink.

I'm not sure what's wrong, it just doesn't seam right.

Sewing machine factory

This is a Soviet joke that was told to me recently. It takes place during a war.

---


A woman at a sewing machine factory has worked there for 40 years, working at an assembly line. A party is held to celebrate her 40 year work anniversary.

At the party, the director of the f...

Everybody in the village agreed that I did an excellent job of sewing their mouths shut.

After I left, they were humming my praises.

A nun was losing sleep over whether or not to take up sewing

She heard it could be habit-forming

"Hey, bro, I need a 50 dollar bill."

"What? Why do you need a $50?"



"I want to buy a thimble."



"A THIMBLE?? What do you need a thimble for? And since when were you into sewing anyways?



"Thewing? I need it for my drumthet."

NSFW You lick it, aim it, and put it in. Yet I fail miserably every time.

Sewing is very hard sometimes.

A monk got a stitching job in a submarine.

The captain, after showing the basic things required for the young tailor, left to him torn fabrics and uniforms of soldiers. As part of his job, he had brought his own sewing kit and he asked to left alone while doing his work.

The monk's work was nothing less than stellar, but sometime...

When a family's lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, the wife kept hinting to the husband that he should get it fixed, but somehow, he always had something else to take care of first - the shed, the boat, making beer...

Finally, she thought of a clever way to make her point.

When the husband arrived home one day, he found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. The husband watched silently for a minute, went into the house and came out again with a toothbrush. ...

Mike Tyson in Egypt

So mike Tyson is vacation in Egypt. He is having a great time but slowly begins to run out of things to do. A few days go by and he even grows tired of gawking at the pyramids. He’s searching for something to do! He heads to his local marketplace. There he finds a book on ancient Egyptian hieroglyph...

My tailor became a lawyer.

Now he's sewing everyone.

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I got fired from my job at the toy factory

I was sewing two furry balls on tickle-me-elmo

When the boss asked why, I told him he'd emailed me telling me to do it.

"Please give the Elmo's two test tickles before shipping"

I come from a very musical family

Even the sewing machine's a singer

A new employee is hired at the Tickle Me Elmo factory...

The personnel manager explains her duties, and tells her to report to work promptly at 8:00 AM.

The next day at 8:45 AM, there's a knock at the personnel manager's door. The assembly line foreman comes in and starts ranting about this new employee. He says she's incredibly slow, and the whole...

My pillow

I designed my own pillow. The pillow to rule all pillows. The perfect dimensions, the perfect stiffness, the perfect material. I sought the finest fabrics from around the globe and set to work on my grandest creation. It took months, but I finished. The last step was to transport it from the se...

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Pinocchio.

What would happen to Pinocchio if he said "my nose is going to grow" he would be telling a lie so his nose would then grow,but because it is growing it would make Pinocchio's statement true which would mean that his nose won't grow or might stop growing, but then again because it will stop growing i...

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And that's how the fight started

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery
plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_________________...

A lady moves to a new town

She needs a job and the only place to work within 50 miles is a tickle me Elmo factory.
So she drives there the very next day. She is immediately sent to the head honchos office, and he says to her "this is your lucky day, we just lost somone in the factory and you would be perfect for the j...

Some Christmas jokes!

**What is the best Christmas present in the world?**

A broken drum – you just can’t beat it

**What did Adam say to his wife on the day before Christmas?**

It's Christmas, Eve!

**What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?**

Frostbite!

**Why are...

Some funny pick up lines

Do you have a map? Cause I just got lost in your eyes.

If your left leg is Halloween, and your right leg is Christmas, CAN I COME IN BETWEEN HOLIDAYS?

My love for you is like diarrhea, i just can't hold it in.

If i said you had a hot body, would you hold it against me?

Ni...

Signs you drink too much coffee

- You answer the door before people knock.

- Juan Valdez named his donkey after you.

- You ski uphill.

- You grind your coffee beans in your mouth.

- You haven't blinked since the last lunar eclipse.

- You lick your coffeepot clean.

- You're the employee of ...

A scientist is studying a trained frog.

This frog has been trained to jump on command. Any time it hears the phrase "Jump, frog, jump!" it leaps with all its might.
The scientist prepares a scalpel, sewing kit, and measuring tape and begins his experiment; he says "Jump, frog, jump!" and as soon as the frog hears his voice, it jumps....

Faithfull

After having died, a couple souls flied to the heaven gate, St.Pierre opened the door and informed that for one time of unfaithfulness to each other in their life they will be prod by a needle.
After being prod 5 times, the wife turned to ST.Poerre and asked:
“Where is my husband?”
“He is l...

An American, Englishman, & Australian were arguing which of their versions of football were the toughest.

An American, and Englishman, and an Australian were discussing which of their particular brands of football were the toughest.

The American said, "We've got this quarterback Peyton Manning who's just won his second Super Bowl ring. Well, one day Manning was sacked so hard, his front split op...

Coffee

Coffee: you haven't had enough until you can thread a sewing machine needle while it's running.

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Joining a church.

Three couples (young, middle aged, and older) walk up to their local priest and ask him if they may join the church. The priest tells each couple that they may only join the church if they may show abstinence for one month. The couples return to the church one month later and the priest asks them if...

Tickle Me Elmo Factory

The Tickle Me Elmo factory has just hired a new employee, and today's her first day on the job. The plant manager gives her a quick tour of the assembly line, then shows the employee her station at the end of the line where she will be operating. The morning whistle blows and production on the line ...

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